Mark Rubinstein's Blog, page 41
December 10, 2012
Can We Ever Really Change?
Readers of “Mad Dog House” ask frequently if people can truly change their way of being and dealing with others.
Can people every change their basic personality styles?
The answer is: yes and no.
Most professionals agree that basic personality style (traits and tendencies) are deeply ingrained by the time we’re adolescents. Yes, there can be some minor modifications after that, but our basic way of interacting with others is pretty much set by the time we’re seventeen or eighteen.
So what about someone seeking psychotherapy because of unhappiness with relationships and how life is going? What about the person who repeats endlessly the same maladaptive patterns of behavior leading to frustration, failure, unhappiness, and even deep depression? Or the person whose relationships are tainted by neediness, or dependency, or the wish to dominate others; or any other joy-sapping traits that make life difficult?
The goal of any psychotherapy is to help a person develop a better understanding of one’s self. It’s called insight. Hopefully, by developing an awareness of personality pitfalls, a person can recognize them, nip them in the bud before they ruin a relationship, and therefore, live a more fulfilling life.
For example, a man comes for counseling because he’s been fired from three different jobs. During sessions (to which he always arrives late), he realizes that even going back to elementary school, he undermined his own success by tardiness and by not completing tasks on time. In high school, he received Cs instead of As because he never submitted his work by the deadlines. In business, he repeated the same pattern. He also learns in the sessions, that as a child, it was his way to get attention from his mother. Without realizing it, he’s been repeating this pattern with every authority figure in his life.
I like to think of it in this simple way: imagine personality style as a ninety degree angle. If a person can move that angle a mere three degrees, then a significant change in how one perceives people and interacts with them is possible. This can lead to positive changes.
Mark Rubinstein
Author, “Mad Dog House”
Can people every change their basic personality styles?
The answer is: yes and no.
Most professionals agree that basic personality style (traits and tendencies) are deeply ingrained by the time we’re adolescents. Yes, there can be some minor modifications after that, but our basic way of interacting with others is pretty much set by the time we’re seventeen or eighteen.
So what about someone seeking psychotherapy because of unhappiness with relationships and how life is going? What about the person who repeats endlessly the same maladaptive patterns of behavior leading to frustration, failure, unhappiness, and even deep depression? Or the person whose relationships are tainted by neediness, or dependency, or the wish to dominate others; or any other joy-sapping traits that make life difficult?
The goal of any psychotherapy is to help a person develop a better understanding of one’s self. It’s called insight. Hopefully, by developing an awareness of personality pitfalls, a person can recognize them, nip them in the bud before they ruin a relationship, and therefore, live a more fulfilling life.
For example, a man comes for counseling because he’s been fired from three different jobs. During sessions (to which he always arrives late), he realizes that even going back to elementary school, he undermined his own success by tardiness and by not completing tasks on time. In high school, he received Cs instead of As because he never submitted his work by the deadlines. In business, he repeated the same pattern. He also learns in the sessions, that as a child, it was his way to get attention from his mother. Without realizing it, he’s been repeating this pattern with every authority figure in his life.
I like to think of it in this simple way: imagine personality style as a ninety degree angle. If a person can move that angle a mere three degrees, then a significant change in how one perceives people and interacts with them is possible. This can lead to positive changes.
Mark Rubinstein
Author, “Mad Dog House”
Can We Ever Really Change?
Readers of “Mad Dog House” ask frequently if people can truly change their way of being and dealing with others.
Can people every change their basic personality styles?
The answer is: yes and no.
Most professionals agree that basic personality style (traits and tendencies) are deeply ingrained by the time we’re adolescents. Yes, there can be some minor modifications after that, but our basic way of interacting with others is pretty much set by the time we’re seventeen or eighteen.
So what about...
December 8, 2012
What Will Santa Put In Your Cyberstocking?
For anyone who ever celebrated Christmas, one of the great pleasures on Christmas morning was emptying the stocking. Though the racy bicycle or beautiful dollhouse beneath the tree was a cause for celebration, there was nothing quite as enjoyable as dumping the stocking’s contents and reveling in all the trinkets Santa had left. Pouring forth might have been a Duncan yo-yo, or a Smurf, a set of jacks, a pink Spalding ball, an egg of Silly Putty, and other unexpected delights.
That was then; this is now.
Today, we have Cyber-Stockings, and you’re never too old to download gifts on Christmas morning. This year, Amazon will sell to Santa, its e-books, which can be delivered as gifts for a Kindle owner to enjoy. So, your cyber-stocking can be filled with good books to read throughout the year.
I wonder if Santa will put a virtual candy cane in the cyber-stocking, too.
Mark Rubinstein,
Author, “Mad Dog House”
That was then; this is now.
Today, we have Cyber-Stockings, and you’re never too old to download gifts on Christmas morning. This year, Amazon will sell to Santa, its e-books, which can be delivered as gifts for a Kindle owner to enjoy. So, your cyber-stocking can be filled with good books to read throughout the year.
I wonder if Santa will put a virtual candy cane in the cyber-stocking, too.
Mark Rubinstein,
Author, “Mad Dog House”
December 5, 2012
R.J. Julia: A Magical Place in Madison
I was dropping off a poster to promote a December 10th appearance at R.J. Julia bookstore. I’d never been to Madison, Connecticut, and was looking forward to exploring the town and seeing the store.
Madison is a charming, shoreline town on Long Island Sound. It’s main street, Boston Post Road, is reminiscent of the old time main streets of long ago. The store, housed in an early 20th Century building, has an old-fashioned cast iron façade, and a window festooned with books and gifts for the holidays. From the street, the store seems to call for you to enter.
And enter, I did.
Once inside, I felt transported back to the 19th Century, circa Charles Dickens. The two-story store has many curved nooks, and floor to ceiling mahogany shelves holding thousands of books. The predominantly youthful staff exuded interest, enthusiasm, and an obvious joy in working there.
The enticing aromas of freshly brewed coffee and fragrant pastries drew me to the rear of the store, where a charming tea room was located. The entire experience was simply magical. I wish every bookstore was this way.
I feel privileged to have been invited to talk there on Monday, December 10th at 7:00 PM and to have “Mad Dog House” on sale in such a lovely setting.
Mark Rubinstein
Author, Mad Dog House
Madison is a charming, shoreline town on Long Island Sound. It’s main street, Boston Post Road, is reminiscent of the old time main streets of long ago. The store, housed in an early 20th Century building, has an old-fashioned cast iron façade, and a window festooned with books and gifts for the holidays. From the street, the store seems to call for you to enter.
And enter, I did.
Once inside, I felt transported back to the 19th Century, circa Charles Dickens. The two-story store has many curved nooks, and floor to ceiling mahogany shelves holding thousands of books. The predominantly youthful staff exuded interest, enthusiasm, and an obvious joy in working there.
The enticing aromas of freshly brewed coffee and fragrant pastries drew me to the rear of the store, where a charming tea room was located. The entire experience was simply magical. I wish every bookstore was this way.
I feel privileged to have been invited to talk there on Monday, December 10th at 7:00 PM and to have “Mad Dog House” on sale in such a lovely setting.
Mark Rubinstein
Author, Mad Dog House
December 3, 2012
I Used To Change A Ribbon
I Used to Change a Ribbon
How things have changed. Writing on a computer or some other technological tool is de rigeur these days.
In the old days (like 15 years ago) I wrote on a typewriter, or legal pad. If I needed to communicate with someone, I wrote a letter or made a phone call.
But now, the computer is the center of this writer’s life. E-mail communication with the editor, copy editor, art department, publicity people and others is crucial. If there’s an e-mail glitch, most communication stops. Or I must revert to the telephone, which is a jangling intruder in other people’s lives. How effortless is the e-mail, while the telephone call is cumbersome.
Sometimes, the computer freezes, or some insane gremlin seems to have invaded the machine. Files get locked, a manuscript is inaccessible, words and sentences get distorted, and I have to suspend writing until my computer guru straightens things out. Now, I’m at the mercy of technology beyond my comprehension.
In the old days, I simply would have changed a ribbon.
Mark Rubinstein,
Author, Mad Dog House
How things have changed. Writing on a computer or some other technological tool is de rigeur these days.
In the old days (like 15 years ago) I wrote on a typewriter, or legal pad. If I needed to communicate with someone, I wrote a letter or made a phone call.
But now, the computer is the center of this writer’s life. E-mail communication with the editor, copy editor, art department, publicity people and others is crucial. If there’s an e-mail glitch, most communication stops. Or I must revert to the telephone, which is a jangling intruder in other people’s lives. How effortless is the e-mail, while the telephone call is cumbersome.
Sometimes, the computer freezes, or some insane gremlin seems to have invaded the machine. Files get locked, a manuscript is inaccessible, words and sentences get distorted, and I have to suspend writing until my computer guru straightens things out. Now, I’m at the mercy of technology beyond my comprehension.
In the old days, I simply would have changed a ribbon.
Mark Rubinstein,
Author, Mad Dog House
I Used To Chage A Ribbon
How things have changed. Writing on a computer or some other technological tool is de rigeur these days.
In the old days (like 15 years ago) I wrote on a typewriter, or legal pad. If I needed to communicate with someone, I wrote a letter or made a phone call.
But now, the computer is the center of this writer’s life. E-mail communication with the editor, copy editor, art department, publicity people and others is crucial. If there’s an e-mail glitch, most communication stops. Or I must revert...
December 1, 2012
About a Sequel
“Mad Dog House” has many favorable reviews, even though it’s been out for only one month. I find that very gratifying. Many reviewers comment that it should become a film, while others ask for a sequel. I never wrote the story with a sequel or series in mind; rather, it was written as a stand-alone novel.
But while it has its own power, the novel, leaves plenty of room for a sequel. My concern is that I’ve read many suspense/thriller novels that were followed by poorly written sequels. They were obviously rushed so the novelist could ride the seductive wave of demand. The second book suffers as a result.
I’ve decided to write a sequel.
But I’ll do it only when there’s been enough time for the creative juices to flow. I find that reading reviews and listening to readers’ comments help cement the undercurrents in the novel. They also provide insights about the characters I never willfully thought about. The novel and its characters need time to marinate in my mind. It will all evolve into a new and perilous situation from which Roddy and Danny must extricate themselves, if they can.
The last thing I want is for “sequel fever” to take hold, resulting in a formulaic novel. I want Roddy Dolan and Danny Burns to ride a perilous, fear-filled rollercoaster just as they did in “Mad Dog House.” That will satisfy readers far more than a rushed sequel.
After all, a good story takes time to tell.
Mark Rubinstein,
Author, “Mad Dog House”
But while it has its own power, the novel, leaves plenty of room for a sequel. My concern is that I’ve read many suspense/thriller novels that were followed by poorly written sequels. They were obviously rushed so the novelist could ride the seductive wave of demand. The second book suffers as a result.
I’ve decided to write a sequel.
But I’ll do it only when there’s been enough time for the creative juices to flow. I find that reading reviews and listening to readers’ comments help cement the undercurrents in the novel. They also provide insights about the characters I never willfully thought about. The novel and its characters need time to marinate in my mind. It will all evolve into a new and perilous situation from which Roddy and Danny must extricate themselves, if they can.
The last thing I want is for “sequel fever” to take hold, resulting in a formulaic novel. I want Roddy Dolan and Danny Burns to ride a perilous, fear-filled rollercoaster just as they did in “Mad Dog House.” That will satisfy readers far more than a rushed sequel.
After all, a good story takes time to tell.
Mark Rubinstein,
Author, “Mad Dog House”
November 29, 2012
An Evening With Old Friends
Three nights ago, I met with two friends from the old days in Brooklyn. I knew each of them when I was 15 years old and we were all “blood brothers” as kids. Throughout college and beyond, we periodically touched base, but invariably lost touch with each other for years at a time. There were marriages, divorces, business pressures, and the thousands of ups and downs that go on in life. By the time we got together at a restaurant three nights ago, I hadn’t seen Don for ten years and had last s...
November 28, 2012
Mark Rubinstein
Welcome to Mark Rubinstein’s new blog location!
We're Just Passing Through, Kid...
I recently attended the funeral of an uncle. It was sad, but Irv lived to be ninety five and led a remarkably full life.
He was the youngest of nine children, born in November, 1917. The exact date of his birth was never truly known since records were poorly kept back then. He always celebrated his birthday on Thanksgiving, which was a telling measure of the man.
He grew up in a lower middle-class neighborhood in Brooklyn, New York. At nine years of age, he ran away and tried to get to Vero Beach, Florida, the spring training camp location of the Brooklyn Dodgers. An avid (and excellent) baseball player, he wanted to try out for the team. He got as far as Philadelphia, was picked up by the Children’s Aid Society, and returned home. He left school after the 8th grade to help support his family.
He worked hard and in his twenties, was drafted into the army because of World War II. He fought in the Battle of the Bulge.
After discharge, he told his wife Ruth, “I never want to have another boss.” So he opened his own business manufacturing corrugated boxes. He was immensely successful and those who worked with him loved his gregariously jovial nature.
One of my fond memories of Irv was visiting him and Ruth when they lived in the Bronx. I was about 7 years old. We passed a schoolyard where some teen-agers were playing baseball. Irv joined in and began hitting balls to them; they soared high in the air and I saw with my own eyes how far a baseball could be clobbered in an asphalt-covered Bronx schoolyard. The joy he felt in slamming the ball was evident on his face.
At age 57, he had to retire because of a heart condition. But he maintained his optimistic view of the world and his wish to live every moment to it fullest.
Thanks to modern medicine, he enjoyed his life for another 38 years beyond the onset of his illness and forced retirement. He and his wife Ruth often hosted large family gatherings at restaurants, and he frequently booked all-expense paid junkets to Las Vegas where family members were his guests. He still loved baseball (and most all sports), loved going to Las Vegas, playing poker, and loved most of all being with his wife, daughter and grandchildren.
I talked with Irv many times over the years, and if I expressed a negative thought about something in life, he’d say, “Just remember, we’re only passing through, kid…so enjoy it and make the most of everything."
That’s what he did: he made the most of everything, no matter what he faced. He was a joyous presence, and a force of life, always emphasizing that life is filled with chances and you must grab them while you can.
So, after 40 years in psychiatry, I finally grabbed onto a dream and became a full-time writer…because we’re only passing through.
Mark Rubinstein,
Author,” Mad Dog House”
He was the youngest of nine children, born in November, 1917. The exact date of his birth was never truly known since records were poorly kept back then. He always celebrated his birthday on Thanksgiving, which was a telling measure of the man.
He grew up in a lower middle-class neighborhood in Brooklyn, New York. At nine years of age, he ran away and tried to get to Vero Beach, Florida, the spring training camp location of the Brooklyn Dodgers. An avid (and excellent) baseball player, he wanted to try out for the team. He got as far as Philadelphia, was picked up by the Children’s Aid Society, and returned home. He left school after the 8th grade to help support his family.
He worked hard and in his twenties, was drafted into the army because of World War II. He fought in the Battle of the Bulge.
After discharge, he told his wife Ruth, “I never want to have another boss.” So he opened his own business manufacturing corrugated boxes. He was immensely successful and those who worked with him loved his gregariously jovial nature.
One of my fond memories of Irv was visiting him and Ruth when they lived in the Bronx. I was about 7 years old. We passed a schoolyard where some teen-agers were playing baseball. Irv joined in and began hitting balls to them; they soared high in the air and I saw with my own eyes how far a baseball could be clobbered in an asphalt-covered Bronx schoolyard. The joy he felt in slamming the ball was evident on his face.
At age 57, he had to retire because of a heart condition. But he maintained his optimistic view of the world and his wish to live every moment to it fullest.
Thanks to modern medicine, he enjoyed his life for another 38 years beyond the onset of his illness and forced retirement. He and his wife Ruth often hosted large family gatherings at restaurants, and he frequently booked all-expense paid junkets to Las Vegas where family members were his guests. He still loved baseball (and most all sports), loved going to Las Vegas, playing poker, and loved most of all being with his wife, daughter and grandchildren.
I talked with Irv many times over the years, and if I expressed a negative thought about something in life, he’d say, “Just remember, we’re only passing through, kid…so enjoy it and make the most of everything."
That’s what he did: he made the most of everything, no matter what he faced. He was a joyous presence, and a force of life, always emphasizing that life is filled with chances and you must grab them while you can.
So, after 40 years in psychiatry, I finally grabbed onto a dream and became a full-time writer…because we’re only passing through.
Mark Rubinstein,
Author,” Mad Dog House”
