Kimberly Nee's Blog, page 5
January 17, 2013
Where is the Sun?
I haven't seen it for a week. This weather reminds me of the one spring, about ten years ago, where it literally rained for three weeks straight. Awful. By the time the sun finally came out, my townhouse was lakefront property and I was ready to kill someone.
I don't mind the rain at night. Actually, I kind of like it. I like to fall asleep to the sound of it pattering on the roof, and I love the way it smells on the air. But during the day? No. When it stretches into many days? Absolutely not.
The last few weeks, though, the weather's kind of been fitting for my mood. This time of the year is never a good one, since you've got that post-holiday let down (and I have to confess, I like Christmas music - well, most of it - and it just stops so abruptly that it makes the post-holiday let down that much stronger.) And it's cold (except for this year. It got real cold for a few days, but then warmed up a little.) I don't mind the cold if there's snow, but when it's just cold? Forget it. Bring on spring.
This holiday season was a little rougher than most for me. My mom's been sick for a few years and now she's beginning the rapid decline. She doesn't recognize me or my brother any longer. So going to see her is draining. Very draining. It's very difficult to talk to someone who has no idea who you are - on so many different levels.
So I'm trying to focus on the new year, and being able to kind of start over. If only the weather would cooperate. I heard a vicious rumor that the sun might come out today, or maybe tomorrow, but I'm not so sure I believe it.
And on that note, it's time to curl up with a hot cup of coffee and the latest WIP.
I don't mind the rain at night. Actually, I kind of like it. I like to fall asleep to the sound of it pattering on the roof, and I love the way it smells on the air. But during the day? No. When it stretches into many days? Absolutely not.
The last few weeks, though, the weather's kind of been fitting for my mood. This time of the year is never a good one, since you've got that post-holiday let down (and I have to confess, I like Christmas music - well, most of it - and it just stops so abruptly that it makes the post-holiday let down that much stronger.) And it's cold (except for this year. It got real cold for a few days, but then warmed up a little.) I don't mind the cold if there's snow, but when it's just cold? Forget it. Bring on spring.
This holiday season was a little rougher than most for me. My mom's been sick for a few years and now she's beginning the rapid decline. She doesn't recognize me or my brother any longer. So going to see her is draining. Very draining. It's very difficult to talk to someone who has no idea who you are - on so many different levels.
So I'm trying to focus on the new year, and being able to kind of start over. If only the weather would cooperate. I heard a vicious rumor that the sun might come out today, or maybe tomorrow, but I'm not so sure I believe it.
And on that note, it's time to curl up with a hot cup of coffee and the latest WIP.
January 15, 2013
Some Thoughts for A Gloomy Tuesday
I'm beginning to wonder if the sun burned out and no one is telling us about it. I haven't seen it since last Friday and it's starting to get to me. I don't like the gray gloom that just seems to hover over us. Blech. And I don't think the sun's coming out any time soon.
So I'm working on a new project. It's actually an older manuscript that I came across while looking for something else and decided that I could probably polish it and get it subbed. A few changes here. A couple of tweaks there. No problem.
Well, one week and ton of red ink later... here we are. It should be ready to go out in the next week or so, but ay yi yi, what a lot more work than I thought. But isn't that the way it always is? But if my editor likes it, it will all be worth it.
Tonight is the Girl's school band's Winter Concert. She plays the drums and considering she doesn't practice nearly as much as she should, she's not half bad. The real challenge will be getting the Boy to sit quietly during the show. Last spring, when the 5th grade did their end of the year concert, we ended up bringing the Kindle Fire and his DS, as well as using my BlackBerry and my husband's iPhone to keep him entertained. I hope this year won't need quite as much, since he's a year older and has calmed down a little. He's come a long way over the last few years - but that's another post for another time.
My spring countdown has begun. Sixty-four days away. I can't wait.
So I'm working on a new project. It's actually an older manuscript that I came across while looking for something else and decided that I could probably polish it and get it subbed. A few changes here. A couple of tweaks there. No problem.
Well, one week and ton of red ink later... here we are. It should be ready to go out in the next week or so, but ay yi yi, what a lot more work than I thought. But isn't that the way it always is? But if my editor likes it, it will all be worth it.
Tonight is the Girl's school band's Winter Concert. She plays the drums and considering she doesn't practice nearly as much as she should, she's not half bad. The real challenge will be getting the Boy to sit quietly during the show. Last spring, when the 5th grade did their end of the year concert, we ended up bringing the Kindle Fire and his DS, as well as using my BlackBerry and my husband's iPhone to keep him entertained. I hope this year won't need quite as much, since he's a year older and has calmed down a little. He's come a long way over the last few years - but that's another post for another time.
My spring countdown has begun. Sixty-four days away. I can't wait.
Some Thoughs for A Gloomy Tuesday
I'm beginning to wonder if the sun burned out and no one is telling us about it. I haven't seen it since last Friday and it's starting to get to me. I don't like the gray gloom that just seems to hover over us. Blech. And I don't think the sun's coming out any time soon.
So I'm working on a new project. It's actually an older manuscript that I came across while looking for something else and decided that I could probably polish it and get it subbed. A few changes here. A couple of tweaks there. No problem.
Well, one week and ton of red ink later... here we are. It should be ready to go out in the next week or so, but ay yi yi, what a lot more work than I thought. But isn't that the way it always is? But if my editor likes it, it will all be worth it.
Tonight is the Girl's school band's Winter Concert. She plays the drums and considering she doesn't practice nearly as much as she should, she's not half bad. The real challenge will be getting the Boy to sit quietly during the show. Last spring, when the 5th grade did their end of the year concert, we ended up bringing the Kindle Fire and his DS, as well as using my BlackBerry and my husband's iPhone to keep him entertained. I hope this year won't need quite as much, since he's a year older and has calmed down a little. He's come a long way over the last few years - but that's another post for another time.
My spring countdown has begun. Sixty-four days away. I can't wait.
So I'm working on a new project. It's actually an older manuscript that I came across while looking for something else and decided that I could probably polish it and get it subbed. A few changes here. A couple of tweaks there. No problem.
Well, one week and ton of red ink later... here we are. It should be ready to go out in the next week or so, but ay yi yi, what a lot more work than I thought. But isn't that the way it always is? But if my editor likes it, it will all be worth it.
Tonight is the Girl's school band's Winter Concert. She plays the drums and considering she doesn't practice nearly as much as she should, she's not half bad. The real challenge will be getting the Boy to sit quietly during the show. Last spring, when the 5th grade did their end of the year concert, we ended up bringing the Kindle Fire and his DS, as well as using my BlackBerry and my husband's iPhone to keep him entertained. I hope this year won't need quite as much, since he's a year older and has calmed down a little. He's come a long way over the last few years - but that's another post for another time.
My spring countdown has begun. Sixty-four days away. I can't wait.
January 14, 2013
One Month
Over the weekend, I was thinking about what I was going to blog about for this week, kicking around this idea and that. It was a normal weekend in my house - the kids played, they fought, we laughed, we watched some television together, we watched football (boo, hiss on the Patriots. I so wanted to see them lose.)
And as I was hanging out with my son yesterday afternoon, watching Haunted History (the Boy loves all things ghost related. Ghosthunters is his favorite show. He asked for a K2 meter for his birthday,) it dawned on me. All those things, that I so take for granted, will never be the same for those families in Connecticut. The routine, mundane, just lazing around snuggling with the Boy (at 12, the Girl is far too cool for that kind of stuff now) - twenty families no longer have that to take for granted.
Today marks one month since the tragedy in Newtown. One month since those twenty families have been able to take for granted the fact that their little boy or girl would always be there for some snuggling. I can't, as a parent, even begin to imagine the ache that void must leave. How empty those arms must feel. Something as simple as a hug - gone forever.
This has affected me in a way that no other national tragedy has. In some ways, it's even more painful to me than 9/11 was. I am a parent. I cannot imagine being in the shoes of one of those twenty families. And yes, I know there were 6 adults killed as well, but the loss of one child in so violent a manner is beyond comprehension, never mind twenty. Twenty kids robbed of their right to grow up.
I've never been much of an activist. I belonged to NOW for a long time in my late teens and early twenties, but it never went beyond writing a check for the membership fee. But now, I'm thinking maybe it's time to do something a little beyond just writing a check.
I firmly believe in gun control (and no, gun control does NOT mean banning all guns. Anyone who thinks that is a prime example of why we need gun control, as they are obviously too stupid to realize the difference and really probably shouldn't be allowed near a Nerf dart gun, never mind the real thing.) The ban on assault weapons needs to be reenacted. There needs to be a ban on high-capacity ammunition clips. There needs to be background checks and access to better mental health care in this country for anyone in the same house as a gun.
I'm not against guns, only certain ones. No one on the face of this earth beyond the military or law enforcement needs semi-automatic assault weapons to protect their home. No. One.
For the first time ever, I'm writing my senators, urging them to have the balls to stand up to the NRA and do the right thing. It's something extremely small, but it's a start.
And as I was hanging out with my son yesterday afternoon, watching Haunted History (the Boy loves all things ghost related. Ghosthunters is his favorite show. He asked for a K2 meter for his birthday,) it dawned on me. All those things, that I so take for granted, will never be the same for those families in Connecticut. The routine, mundane, just lazing around snuggling with the Boy (at 12, the Girl is far too cool for that kind of stuff now) - twenty families no longer have that to take for granted.
Today marks one month since the tragedy in Newtown. One month since those twenty families have been able to take for granted the fact that their little boy or girl would always be there for some snuggling. I can't, as a parent, even begin to imagine the ache that void must leave. How empty those arms must feel. Something as simple as a hug - gone forever.
This has affected me in a way that no other national tragedy has. In some ways, it's even more painful to me than 9/11 was. I am a parent. I cannot imagine being in the shoes of one of those twenty families. And yes, I know there were 6 adults killed as well, but the loss of one child in so violent a manner is beyond comprehension, never mind twenty. Twenty kids robbed of their right to grow up.
I've never been much of an activist. I belonged to NOW for a long time in my late teens and early twenties, but it never went beyond writing a check for the membership fee. But now, I'm thinking maybe it's time to do something a little beyond just writing a check.
I firmly believe in gun control (and no, gun control does NOT mean banning all guns. Anyone who thinks that is a prime example of why we need gun control, as they are obviously too stupid to realize the difference and really probably shouldn't be allowed near a Nerf dart gun, never mind the real thing.) The ban on assault weapons needs to be reenacted. There needs to be a ban on high-capacity ammunition clips. There needs to be background checks and access to better mental health care in this country for anyone in the same house as a gun.
I'm not against guns, only certain ones. No one on the face of this earth beyond the military or law enforcement needs semi-automatic assault weapons to protect their home. No. One.
For the first time ever, I'm writing my senators, urging them to have the balls to stand up to the NRA and do the right thing. It's something extremely small, but it's a start.
January 11, 2013
For Sandy Hook
Today marks four weeks since the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School. I still think about Noah Pozner and his family, pretty much every day, and I still tear up when I do.
A friend of mine on Facebook shared this awesome song by Chris Cornell - "I Promise it's Not Goodbye." It's probably one of the most beautiful, most haunting songs I've ever heard. Now it's my turn to share -
January 10, 2013
Reading Goals
When I was a kid, lo so many moons ago, I used to read like a fiend. The first time I read Gone with the Wind, I read it in about a day and a half, around classes. I used to read three or four books a week. But then I had kids and time became a little more precious (and a lot more of my reading consisted of Goodnight, Moon and Winnie the Pooh.) Little by little, I stopped reading (EEK!)
But then last year I got a Kindle. Since then, I've rediscovered my love of reading. I love that I can slip it into my purse and I've got some fifty books to choose from on it - I'm building my Kindle library slowly, but it's getting there. And it's been a godsend when I go to get my hair colored.
Last winter, I plowed through Sabrina Jeffries Hellions of Halstead series. Come summer, I devoured Julia Quinn's Bridgerton series. On vacation, I brought something like twenty books with me, and didn't have to worry about them weighing my luggage down. Ahh... I missed reading and I'm so glad I came back to it. :D
And it's not just limited to ebooks. I buy Janet Evanovich's Plum series in hardcover - although this year, my daughter gave me the nineteenth book for my birthday. I coveted the Bruce Springsteen bio for weeks, showing remarkable restraint in not buying it because I was sure I'd get it for Christmas. And my husband came through. It took me more than a day and a half to read it, but I savored every last word of it.
I'd forgotten how much reading carried me away. And honestly, part of my reason for getting away from it was simply that I didn't read as a reader any longer. I read as a writer. Plot holes. Grammar problems. Typos. Faulty research. It all jumped out at me until reading became more of a chore than a joy. But somehow, I've managed to rediscover reading as a reader. And while I won't set a goal for number of books I read, I do hope that it will top last year's, which came in around 75 books. That's not a lot for some people, and once upon a time, I'd have scoffed at such a low number, but not now.
So I'm starting off this year with Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse novels. I'm about halfway through the first one and even though it isn't a genre I usually read, I'm enjoying it. My husband is a fan of True Blood and he's the one who suggested the first book, so I have him to thank. Just like I have to thank my Kindle for rekindling (no pun intended) my love for books. :D
But then last year I got a Kindle. Since then, I've rediscovered my love of reading. I love that I can slip it into my purse and I've got some fifty books to choose from on it - I'm building my Kindle library slowly, but it's getting there. And it's been a godsend when I go to get my hair colored.
Last winter, I plowed through Sabrina Jeffries Hellions of Halstead series. Come summer, I devoured Julia Quinn's Bridgerton series. On vacation, I brought something like twenty books with me, and didn't have to worry about them weighing my luggage down. Ahh... I missed reading and I'm so glad I came back to it. :D
And it's not just limited to ebooks. I buy Janet Evanovich's Plum series in hardcover - although this year, my daughter gave me the nineteenth book for my birthday. I coveted the Bruce Springsteen bio for weeks, showing remarkable restraint in not buying it because I was sure I'd get it for Christmas. And my husband came through. It took me more than a day and a half to read it, but I savored every last word of it.
I'd forgotten how much reading carried me away. And honestly, part of my reason for getting away from it was simply that I didn't read as a reader any longer. I read as a writer. Plot holes. Grammar problems. Typos. Faulty research. It all jumped out at me until reading became more of a chore than a joy. But somehow, I've managed to rediscover reading as a reader. And while I won't set a goal for number of books I read, I do hope that it will top last year's, which came in around 75 books. That's not a lot for some people, and once upon a time, I'd have scoffed at such a low number, but not now.
So I'm starting off this year with Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse novels. I'm about halfway through the first one and even though it isn't a genre I usually read, I'm enjoying it. My husband is a fan of True Blood and he's the one who suggested the first book, so I have him to thank. Just like I have to thank my Kindle for rekindling (no pun intended) my love for books. :D
January 9, 2013
Looking Ahead
Three posts in a row - holy carp, maybe the planets are aligning and the world is coming to an end. What other explanation can there be?
Normally I don't make many New Year's Resolutions (aside from the one I make EVERY year, to get to the gym, blah blah blah. I really do love the gym, it's psyching myself up to get there that's usually the problem. Sigh) but yesterday's post got me to thinking about what I want from myself on a professional level this year. There aren't many, and I may add to the list as the year progresses, but for now, here they are:
1. Blog at least three times a week.
2. Start commenting on other blogs on a more regular basis.
3. Get better at promo. This one is going to be tough, as I'm more of a lurker than a joiner on all of the loops I'm on (does that sentence even make sense??) But this year, I'm going to try to be more active on said loops.
4. Try to write a minimum of five pages at least five days a week. Even if the idea really does suck. Sometimes, I manage to salvage the trainwreck of a storyline. Sometimes.
5. Not be as distracted by the internet. Lately, I've been keeping away from all things internet. It wasn't a conscious choice, it just sort of happened. But I found I didn't miss it nearly as much as I thought I would. So if I can just keep that up, I might be able to write those five pages at least five days of the week.
Okay, so those a few of my goals for the coming year. Let's see how many I can cross off my list - or how many more I can add and reach - before December 31st?
Normally I don't make many New Year's Resolutions (aside from the one I make EVERY year, to get to the gym, blah blah blah. I really do love the gym, it's psyching myself up to get there that's usually the problem. Sigh) but yesterday's post got me to thinking about what I want from myself on a professional level this year. There aren't many, and I may add to the list as the year progresses, but for now, here they are:
1. Blog at least three times a week.
2. Start commenting on other blogs on a more regular basis.
3. Get better at promo. This one is going to be tough, as I'm more of a lurker than a joiner on all of the loops I'm on (does that sentence even make sense??) But this year, I'm going to try to be more active on said loops.
4. Try to write a minimum of five pages at least five days a week. Even if the idea really does suck. Sometimes, I manage to salvage the trainwreck of a storyline. Sometimes.
5. Not be as distracted by the internet. Lately, I've been keeping away from all things internet. It wasn't a conscious choice, it just sort of happened. But I found I didn't miss it nearly as much as I thought I would. So if I can just keep that up, I might be able to write those five pages at least five days of the week.
Okay, so those a few of my goals for the coming year. Let's see how many I can cross off my list - or how many more I can add and reach - before December 31st?
January 8, 2013
Day to Day
So I'm trying to get back into the swing of blogging (and catching up on the ones I read as well. I'm always looking for new ones to read as well, so throw out any suggestions!) But coming up with topics isn't always that easy for me. I've tried creating lists of topics I think might be interesting, but I'm more of a pantser than a plotter, so I've looked over my list and thought, "meh" to most of the stuff on it.
And since I'm trying to swing this blog away from being strictly writing focused (which can be boring and I'm no expert, so I'm not the least bit qualified to give out much advice), to a little more personal, hopefully that will open up a whole new world of topics. Keep your fingers crossed.
Now that the holidays are behind us, and the kids are back in school, it's time to get back into a routine. Vacations are great, since I get to sleep in and we aren't tied to any schedule in particular, but at the same time, having the kidlets home (the Girl is twelve and the Boy is now seven) means a lot less free time for me.
But now they're back in school and since the Boy is in first grade, (here, kindergarten is half-day sessions. This is the first year he's gone all day) I now have almost the entire day free. You'd think that I'd have thrown myself into writing like a fiend, wouldn't you?
Shame on me. I haven't. Well, not yet. I'm so undisciplined. I've always worked well under pressure (which is why I was able to write Windemere in a matter of weeks) but that can be exhausting. In some ways it's easier, because I'm not gluing myself into my chair for 8 hours a day/5 days a week, but at the same time, it's also easier to let things slide. One of my goals for 2013 is to become a little more disciplined. I have a project I'm revising to get ready to send to my Musa editor, and once that's done, I'm finally going to get back to the Western I've been dying to write. It started out as my NaNo book, but when I was looking it over in the beginning of December, a new direction for that story began to take shape. And then of course, the Newtown shootings happened, and as I said in my previous two posts, it really hit me hard. Add the holidays, and a little more personal stress, and BANG! Story got shelved.
But now, once I get Dance with the Devil out the door - which should only be a few days from now - I think I'm ready to get back to my Old West bounty hunter. And that will be the test for me and my one New Year's resolution (which I seldom make and seldom keep.) Oh, I think I just hit upon a topic for tomorrow. Goals for 2013.
Hmmm... this may be a little easier than I expected. Maybe I should be scared. :D
And since I'm trying to swing this blog away from being strictly writing focused (which can be boring and I'm no expert, so I'm not the least bit qualified to give out much advice), to a little more personal, hopefully that will open up a whole new world of topics. Keep your fingers crossed.
Now that the holidays are behind us, and the kids are back in school, it's time to get back into a routine. Vacations are great, since I get to sleep in and we aren't tied to any schedule in particular, but at the same time, having the kidlets home (the Girl is twelve and the Boy is now seven) means a lot less free time for me.
But now they're back in school and since the Boy is in first grade, (here, kindergarten is half-day sessions. This is the first year he's gone all day) I now have almost the entire day free. You'd think that I'd have thrown myself into writing like a fiend, wouldn't you?
Shame on me. I haven't. Well, not yet. I'm so undisciplined. I've always worked well under pressure (which is why I was able to write Windemere in a matter of weeks) but that can be exhausting. In some ways it's easier, because I'm not gluing myself into my chair for 8 hours a day/5 days a week, but at the same time, it's also easier to let things slide. One of my goals for 2013 is to become a little more disciplined. I have a project I'm revising to get ready to send to my Musa editor, and once that's done, I'm finally going to get back to the Western I've been dying to write. It started out as my NaNo book, but when I was looking it over in the beginning of December, a new direction for that story began to take shape. And then of course, the Newtown shootings happened, and as I said in my previous two posts, it really hit me hard. Add the holidays, and a little more personal stress, and BANG! Story got shelved.
But now, once I get Dance with the Devil out the door - which should only be a few days from now - I think I'm ready to get back to my Old West bounty hunter. And that will be the test for me and my one New Year's resolution (which I seldom make and seldom keep.) Oh, I think I just hit upon a topic for tomorrow. Goals for 2013.
Hmmm... this may be a little easier than I expected. Maybe I should be scared. :D
January 7, 2013
A New Year
I know I've been away for a while. Hopefully there are still some who come by, on the off chance that I've posted, but I certainly can't blame anyone who's stopped entirely. I've been horrible about posting, just as I've been horrible about updating my website (although in all honesty, there isn't anything really to update) and keeping my Facebook page current (my professional one. My personal page is still about as active as it's always been.) I tweet on occasion, but days can and do go by without my so much even thinking about tweeting. I've lost a few followers, although not nearly as many as I probably should have lost.
But it's not just social networking that's gone by the wayside for me. I haven't written much these last few months, not really since I was pushing to get Windemere written. I do have two projects out on submission and am waiting to hear back on them, but other than that, I've done almost nothing as far as new words go. I know I'm not supposed to admit that, because who knows who's reading (such as an editor or an agent. Hey, you never know,) but the truth of the matter is that I've taken an very unexpected break. I just don't have the urge to write. There are a few ideas rumbling around in my brain, but I just haven't been able to make myself put them down on paper. And even if I did, the words just don't come.
The events of December 14, up in Newtown, have really gotten to me. I can't explain it. I don't know why. But I have to confess, I've cried at some point ever day since the shootings. I've avoided the news because I just don't want to hear the endless rhetoric on gun control - which would have been a moot point in Newtown. Those guns were legally purchased and a background check would have been on the killer's mother, not the killer. And I will NOT name him. Ever.
My heart breaks for each one of the families of the 26 gunned down by that man. But, there is one little boy in particular who has grabbed hold of me and wrapped around me in such a way that I choke up just thinking about him now.
Noah Pozner was six years old and in so many ways, reminds me of my own boy. And for whatever reason, the moment I saw Noah's picture, my heart broke in a way that I cannot explain. I hurt so much for him, for his family, that I felt sick reading his obituary, and yet, I've read everything about him that I can find. And the more I read, the more real he becomes. And the more real he becomes, the more I wish with everything I have that I could go back and somehow keep the tragedy from happening.
How can one little boy, whom I've never met, affect me the way it has? How can you cry for someone you've never met, someone you'd probably never meet? Why does this one little boy stand out from all the others for me? I can't explain it. Maybe I have no right to cry over him, but I do. Even today. I look at my own little boy and I think, "He and Noah would have gotten on like a house on fire." They are so much alike.
I remember the Oklahoma City bombing. I remember Columbine. I remember VA Tech. But none of them hit me the way what happened in Newtown did. I think it's mostly because I have a seven year old son, who is in first grade, and I've never once really worried about his safety in school. I now do. When he went back that Monday, there was a police car in the driveway of his school. And I wasn't at all sure I even wanted to send him to school.
It's taken me a while to come out of the funk I've been in. I found a blog written by Noah Pozner's grandmother, and her stories, her recollections, of Noah make me feel as if I know him. They make me tear up, as do the pictures she posts. He was such a beautiful little boy. My heart still aches for his family, but the stories make me smile and bring back a little light into a world that feels like it'd been so much darker. And it's helped in so many ways. I know I will never forget him, nor will I forget his impact on my life.
So, I think where I used to concentrate this blog on writing, I'm going to write about a little bit of everything, let everyone in a little more. Share a little more of myself. I've begun to feel the urge to write again, although I'm not exactly sure what I want to write. I'm not sure what my next book will be, but I'm looking forward to writing it, whatever it turns out to be.
But it's not just social networking that's gone by the wayside for me. I haven't written much these last few months, not really since I was pushing to get Windemere written. I do have two projects out on submission and am waiting to hear back on them, but other than that, I've done almost nothing as far as new words go. I know I'm not supposed to admit that, because who knows who's reading (such as an editor or an agent. Hey, you never know,) but the truth of the matter is that I've taken an very unexpected break. I just don't have the urge to write. There are a few ideas rumbling around in my brain, but I just haven't been able to make myself put them down on paper. And even if I did, the words just don't come.
The events of December 14, up in Newtown, have really gotten to me. I can't explain it. I don't know why. But I have to confess, I've cried at some point ever day since the shootings. I've avoided the news because I just don't want to hear the endless rhetoric on gun control - which would have been a moot point in Newtown. Those guns were legally purchased and a background check would have been on the killer's mother, not the killer. And I will NOT name him. Ever.
My heart breaks for each one of the families of the 26 gunned down by that man. But, there is one little boy in particular who has grabbed hold of me and wrapped around me in such a way that I choke up just thinking about him now.
Noah Pozner was six years old and in so many ways, reminds me of my own boy. And for whatever reason, the moment I saw Noah's picture, my heart broke in a way that I cannot explain. I hurt so much for him, for his family, that I felt sick reading his obituary, and yet, I've read everything about him that I can find. And the more I read, the more real he becomes. And the more real he becomes, the more I wish with everything I have that I could go back and somehow keep the tragedy from happening.
How can one little boy, whom I've never met, affect me the way it has? How can you cry for someone you've never met, someone you'd probably never meet? Why does this one little boy stand out from all the others for me? I can't explain it. Maybe I have no right to cry over him, but I do. Even today. I look at my own little boy and I think, "He and Noah would have gotten on like a house on fire." They are so much alike.
I remember the Oklahoma City bombing. I remember Columbine. I remember VA Tech. But none of them hit me the way what happened in Newtown did. I think it's mostly because I have a seven year old son, who is in first grade, and I've never once really worried about his safety in school. I now do. When he went back that Monday, there was a police car in the driveway of his school. And I wasn't at all sure I even wanted to send him to school.
It's taken me a while to come out of the funk I've been in. I found a blog written by Noah Pozner's grandmother, and her stories, her recollections, of Noah make me feel as if I know him. They make me tear up, as do the pictures she posts. He was such a beautiful little boy. My heart still aches for his family, but the stories make me smile and bring back a little light into a world that feels like it'd been so much darker. And it's helped in so many ways. I know I will never forget him, nor will I forget his impact on my life.
So, I think where I used to concentrate this blog on writing, I'm going to write about a little bit of everything, let everyone in a little more. Share a little more of myself. I've begun to feel the urge to write again, although I'm not exactly sure what I want to write. I'm not sure what my next book will be, but I'm looking forward to writing it, whatever it turns out to be.
December 18, 2012
Newtown, Connecticut
By now, everyone knows what happened at the Sandy Hook Elementary School, in Newtown, Connecticut last Friday, December 14.We've all sat in horror and shock and sorrow, grieving alongside the families and friends of those who were killed.
Since that awful day, I've been trying to make some sort of sense of it all, trying to understand what drove one individual to kill twenty innocent children and six innocent adults. My mind just cannot comprehend it. I don't understand it. And my heart aches for those families, especially the families of the children. Since last Friday, I've cried what seems like buckets of tears, for children I didn't even know, but who've touched my life in a horrible and beautiful way. I cried for them as if they were each my own child.
My son is seven. He is in first grade. And I suppose that's why this particular story has hit me the way it has. Any one of these kids could be him. He could be any one of those kids.
I've written and rewritten this same post in my mind a thousand times since Friday. No words seemed right. I'm a writer, why was I struggling with this so badly? Why couldn't I find those right words?
Because they don't exist. Or if they do, I am not gifted enough to craft them.
No parent should have to bury their child. Ever. But especially not when that child is only 6 or 7 and whose only crime was being in school at the wrong moment. There shouldn't even be a wrong moment to be in school. Schools are supposed to be safe. Our children are supposed to be safe in them.
I don't know if stricter gun control laws are the answer. I don't know if there is an answer, if this could have been prevented. All I know is that these children should not have died. Twenty-six families should not be having funerals at a time when a good portion of the world is celebrating the coming Christmas holiday.
Twenty children should have been given the right to grow up.
Even now, I cry when I see their beautiful faces. And I'm angry that something so terrible happened to them. That something so terrible destroyed the innocence of every child in the Sandy Hook Elementary School that day.
Charlotte Bacon, age 6 Daniel Barden, age 7 Olivia Engel, age 6
Josephine Gay, age 7 Ana Marquez-Greene, age 6 Dylan Hockley, age 6
Madeleine Hsu, age 6 Catherine Hubbard, age 6 Chase Kowalski, age 7
Jesse Lewis, age 6 James Mattioli, age 6 Grace McDonnell, age 7
Emilie Parker, age 6 Jack Pinto, age 6 Noah Pozner, age 6
Caroline Previdi, age 6 Jessica Rekos, age 6 Avielle Richman, age 6
Benjamin Wheeler, age 6 Allison Wyatt, age 6
Rachel Davino, age 29
Dawn Hochsprung, age 47
Anne Marie Murphy, age 52
Lauren Rousseau, age 30
Mary Sherlach, age 56
Victoria Soto, age 27
Rest in peace, Heaven's newest angels. Soar high.
Since that awful day, I've been trying to make some sort of sense of it all, trying to understand what drove one individual to kill twenty innocent children and six innocent adults. My mind just cannot comprehend it. I don't understand it. And my heart aches for those families, especially the families of the children. Since last Friday, I've cried what seems like buckets of tears, for children I didn't even know, but who've touched my life in a horrible and beautiful way. I cried for them as if they were each my own child.
My son is seven. He is in first grade. And I suppose that's why this particular story has hit me the way it has. Any one of these kids could be him. He could be any one of those kids.
I've written and rewritten this same post in my mind a thousand times since Friday. No words seemed right. I'm a writer, why was I struggling with this so badly? Why couldn't I find those right words?
Because they don't exist. Or if they do, I am not gifted enough to craft them.
No parent should have to bury their child. Ever. But especially not when that child is only 6 or 7 and whose only crime was being in school at the wrong moment. There shouldn't even be a wrong moment to be in school. Schools are supposed to be safe. Our children are supposed to be safe in them.
I don't know if stricter gun control laws are the answer. I don't know if there is an answer, if this could have been prevented. All I know is that these children should not have died. Twenty-six families should not be having funerals at a time when a good portion of the world is celebrating the coming Christmas holiday.
Twenty children should have been given the right to grow up.
Even now, I cry when I see their beautiful faces. And I'm angry that something so terrible happened to them. That something so terrible destroyed the innocence of every child in the Sandy Hook Elementary School that day.
Charlotte Bacon, age 6 Daniel Barden, age 7 Olivia Engel, age 6
Josephine Gay, age 7 Ana Marquez-Greene, age 6 Dylan Hockley, age 6
Madeleine Hsu, age 6 Catherine Hubbard, age 6 Chase Kowalski, age 7
Jesse Lewis, age 6 James Mattioli, age 6 Grace McDonnell, age 7
Emilie Parker, age 6 Jack Pinto, age 6 Noah Pozner, age 6
Caroline Previdi, age 6 Jessica Rekos, age 6 Avielle Richman, age 6
Benjamin Wheeler, age 6 Allison Wyatt, age 6
Rachel Davino, age 29
Dawn Hochsprung, age 47
Anne Marie Murphy, age 52
Lauren Rousseau, age 30
Mary Sherlach, age 56
Victoria Soto, age 27
Rest in peace, Heaven's newest angels. Soar high.
