Asma'u Shaheedah's Blog, page 6

Mourning In My Language

I want to ask you how your heart is
How your soul is coping with your loss
I want to tell you that by God she is at peace
But you are wailing and heaving
And all these words i can think of
Only in my language
My tongue is drowning
With the weight of all the words
That i cannot say in this your language
This restrictive language
Your language that has only one word for love
I want to ask you "Ya hakuri"
But in your English
It says "How is sorry"
Your language has me lost
Trying to grasp at emptiness
To make sense of my thoughts
My heart is breaking for you
Your tears, the words you cannot say
Streaming down your face
The sound of your sob
The only language
In your throat
So i sit beside you
Pat you on the back
And say instead
"There there now"

ReBirth: Le Blog

This is not an actual article about a rebirth or some deep poem :D

Spicing things up a bit on the blog because a. I was bored, b. I have being wanting to change the layout c. I am a nerd.

So, I decided to get a new theme for the blog, how do you all like the new blog layout? Pretty cool right, i think the last one was a bit primitive and i wanted something a bit more matured seeing as i clocked a year older two weeks ago. There are cooler navigation menus at the top below the header Image,you will find that i categorised the menus by type. For poems, you go to poetry and for articles you go to articles(obviously :D),also there is a link to my createspace estore where you can order my book (i know you haven't, yalla go order now), a search widget at the bottom of the page and also an archive widget with a popular widget. Scroll from top to bottom, click on older posts just above the footer below the posts. Click click click...familiarise.
I will probably be writing more now,the thing is, i actually have things to write, just things come up and well, priorities. My head is filled with ideas for articles and i have so much poems just sitting waiting to be published which i could do right now but hey, what is the fun in doing stuff when you can procrastinate :D.

Anyway, come back again and read read read.

Let there be writing, as The CC said.

Sayonara
xoxo

One Type Of Sad

She looks at me, like i am the saddest story she has ever heard
She asks me, to explain to her, why i am sad
That is the thing with my type of sad
it does not need a reason to anchor me
to the edges of my bed like a ship
at bay ready to be disembarked
my type of sad is the guest that comes to your house
unannounced, it does not call my phone
to ask if i am free, or busy
my type of sad is a marching band
stomping loudly in my head
blowing trumpets and beating drums
only i can hear.
She tells me to turn down the volume
but you see, my type of sad is not the ocean sad
the kind sad, my sad is loud and mean
the volume from my bizarre music drowns out
the concert in my head.
She says pretend for my sake to be happy
and i try, i swear i do
but my type of sad does not know
how to pull the strings at the side of my face
to curve into a smile, i am sorry,
it is your birthday and i promised i would come
i wanted to come, i knew i should have come
but my feet felt heavy and my chest felt too wide
to carry my heart, there are empty spaces
between my ribs and i can hear
the splurging of air within my bones, i am sorry,
i know i should not be sorry but i am
i want to be happy
for your sake i want to wake up
and paint my lips blood red but i am tired
my fingers are tired my eyes are tired
i am pretending not to be sad but within your crowd
i am lost, alone
she says i would not be so lonely
if i went out more and called up my mother more
but my mothers lonely lost voice
are fingers chocking my throat
i cannot breath and i love her
but my type of sad absorbs my mothers sad
and i cannot hear her.
The city feels so big and i am a little dead star
trying to shine in a room filled with bright lights
see i want to go to the party
but the bustle of life and energy reminds me
of the emptiness i feel inside
and my bed feels like the only party that would have me
i am sorry,
she says don't be sorry, be better
and i want to be
but i cannot be better when i do not know
how to be better.

3am Thoughts

It is 3:34am...I cannot sleep.

It is true what they say, 3 am is the darkest hour of the night. People tend to find 3 am a time of extreme fatigue, that is the time when for those who are asleep, their sleep is the deepest and for those who are awake, their juice is lowest(meaning they are exhausted). Some people believe at 3am people tend to get very honest and emotional, a study by a group of scientists proved that by adding that because people are exhausted from the previous days activities and they haven't gotten around to sleeping to re-boost, so their brains become less active and it is easier for the brain/heart to be honest than to make stuff up. Anyway, whatever it is, here i am at 3am, bursting with feels. This post will be a roller coaster of thoughts.

There is a lot of things that need to be addressed but nobody is addressing, this is the job of writers. We must learn to discuss the undiscussed.

I am coming to understand recently that all you need in this life is yourself, yes you need other people but basically, you have to be there for you. Always. We must learn to put the physical,mental and spiritual health of ourselves first.
There are so many quotes on the internet telling us how to act in our relationships, what to do and what not to do. Some of us follow these quotes literally, like they are not written by some lonely twenty-something year old girl/boy/alien at 3 am in a dark room. What we need to understand is, nobody can tell you how to be you, nobody can teach you how to love or be loved. A quote on the internet says, "you don't call him, you have to wait for him to call you". I call that bull-shit. If you want to talk to him, pick up the damn phone and give him a call. What is the worst thing that could happen? God forbid he gets happy you called. It is serious that some of us end up desperately googling things like "how to make him/her like you", what happened to being you? being simply and unapologetically you? they may like you or hate you when they know the real you but at the end of the day, you were honest with them and yourself and believe me, you deserve the honesty.

So much annoyance on the internet really.

Do not waste your time wondering if someone cares about you or not. Listen to me, take this from me, if someone truly gives a crap about you, you would know. They would make an effort to let you know, to show you. Words are just words, a mad man can spew words. People who go out of their way to do simple nice things for you, those are your people, those are the people you need to give a crap about. If he tells you repeatedly that he cares about you but doesn't do anything to show you, not even the littlest of things, probably because he doesn't. Don't waste time and energy worrying and wondering if someone cares. If they care, they will show you, you just have to pay attention. Also, we are quick to assume things. We are quick to create these images in our heads about how things are which are probably wrong 100% of the time but we believe them and we stress about them. If you are like me and you are someone who does that, please stop. Life is too short to stress about imaginary things.

Some people just don't want to be loved. Don't waste your time on those people. Take your love some place it would be appreciated. There are 7 billion people in this world and everyone needs love. Throw your love some place else. Do not do the mistake of repeatedly knocking on a wall. It is not a door, it will not open for you. If someone is not smart enough to want to be loved, you cannot do anything for them. They need to help themselves.

We all need to pay more attention to the people in our lives. Some people just want to be heard, want to be seen. Be there, be present. Do not mistake her silence for stupidity, do not mistake her smile for ignorance, do not mistake her kindness for weakness. She is probably doing all that because she cares, not because she doesn't have anything to say, but because she is afraid of saying the wrong things, waiting for you to be honest with her, her silence is not because she doesn't know you are an asshole, she knows, she's probably waiting and hoping you would soon realise how much of an asshole you are. Be there, she wants to be heard. Listen to her, pay attention to the people in your life. A simple "are you happy?" message can make someones' entire day. Be present.

I have no idea where this post is going so it is best i stop here. It is 3:57am.

Short Poem

We were like parallel rails
On a train track
Always side by side
Our paths never crossing
Running towards
The same destination.

The Feelings We Hold On To

I find it rather puzzling that the emotions we tend to hold on to the strongest are the dark ones. Pain. Pain is something people usually hold on to, anger, sadness. I find it strange that we don't hold on to love which is supposed to be this glorious thing but we hold on to darker things more. When we are in love, we tend to enjoy it for the period of time when we think we are in love but once it passes (because of course love doesn't last) we tend to hold on to the pain more than we held on to the love.

Most people get creativity from negative emotions. I, for one am a living proof that you can write an entire book while in pain. Creativity is never gotten from love or happiness. Usually, for some weird reason, the most beautiful paintings, sculptures, poetry are from people whom have being going through emotional distress at the time they were working on their master piece. Isn't it strange that people then love this master piece regardless of the fact that pain/sadness/heartbreak/suffering gave birth to it.

In one way or another we are all attracted to broken things i think. That is why the saddest love stories sell so much, e.g The Fault In Our Stars (yups, i am a Hazel-Augustus fan). Forget what science told you about opposites attracting, pain attracts pain. We are all little broken people and we are always trying to find broken pieces of ourselves in these broken paintings,sculptures, poetry etc.

All in all, i don't know if it is a bad thing that we are all a the risk of getting addicted to pain and sadness. Personally i think it is good. I feed off of my pain. As much as i would like to believe in a happy Utopia where everything is perfect, i know that would be the worst thing for humanity because then we wouldn't have all of these broken creativity and i don't know about you reader but i don't want to live in a world without cheesy movies like the notebook and sad sad very sad poetry.

Sayonara
xx

6 O'Clock Train Chronicles

I am on this bus
Riding to nowhere in particular
It's just like my life
Heading nowhere
On a steady course
The train does not hunk
The couple in front of me repulse me
They remind of John before the booze
Before he decides
To give himself over
Arms outstretched to the cuff of drunk

See John was a man
Before the day after,
He would pat my back
And comb out my knots,
He would work in the day
And meet me at the train station
Everyday at 6
Like clock work.
A day before the day after
John told me
When he came home that night
Reeking of whiskey
And the smell of the beginning
Of the end,
That he missed the train.
The day after,
I stood by the bathroom
While john threw up
All the leaving
His father has left him
He threw up
All of the moving
From foster home
To foster home
I made ginger-ale
And fed it to him in bed.

Two nights later
I took the 6 o'clock train
Without John
To go pick John up from the station
They said he "exposed himself" in public
I am not sure what John exactly did
But i could see his mother
In his apologetic eyes
John told me that they were overreacting,

"It's a race thing" he said.

When John started coming home
With pupils leaving their enclosing
Taking a train
Up Johns brain and having him say things like
"My stepfather put his hand down my pants"
I listened
I waited for the high to pass
I listened as the drugs poured out
Pieces of him he spent time keeping in
I found traces of white powder
In the back pockets
Of Johns jeans.

Before the day after
John was a man
Trapped in himself
He walks by his mother everyday
She can't tell its him
He brings her breakfast at the corner of the street
And dinner after the 6 o'clock train.

Before the day after
Johns mother had died
Maybe the madness took her
Or her soul was tired of being lost
John found her hugging her knees.

John is still a man
But he used to be my man
Now John comes home every night
He looks like leaving
He smells like cheap female perfume
And local beer.
I hold the door
To let the ghost of a man
Walk into my house
As much as i want to close the door after he walks out
And change the locks
I still stay.

I am on the 6 o'clock train
I know where i must go
But the train keeps moving
The call said a body was found
His id had Johns name on it
I am to identify the body
John has done what his father is good for,
Leaving.

Before the day after
John would hold my hand in the morning
And tell me
In his voice which has being scarred
By years of internal screaming
Yearning for love he never found
Maybe in the end he found it
At the buttom of the bottle
He would say

"My father may have left, but i am still here"

Now that i think about it
Maybe it was more for Johns healing
Reminding himself
The two of him-selves
That he must not give in
To the darkness that tails him
And hangs above his head
Like an angelic halo
Not for me
The train is past my stop for the 10th time
I am not sure

I should keep going.

On Feminism

I apologise in advance, there is a chance that i might spiral while writing this and end up getting angry hence use swear words, for my young readers i am really sorry....hopefully i will be able to keep the hulk in me inside till the end of this.


It has come to my understanding that a lot of people from the male gender do not feel comfortable with "Feminism" and some from the female gender as well, I am here to educate you. A simple definition from Merriam Webster,
Feminism: the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities.

As simple as that. I am going to ask you to do one thing, ask yourself, do you believe a man and a woman should both be equally able to apply for the same job and both of them should only have to worry about being hired because of their qualification and not their gender? If it is Yes, awesome, if it is No, rethink your life and priorities, repeat exercise in 1 month. These are things women have to worry about everyday, because being a woman suddenly limits your ability to be good at a job which you spent years at University training for. Some of you might say, Oh, but men face these issues too and i will ask you, how many times? I am not a fan of statistics because i strongly believe every single statistic out there is a lie so i will not be pretentious on here and call numbers and ratios to you. Ask the people around you. Do a little survey. Women tend to worry more about things like this than men. Why you wonder? Well right from birth, men have being told that the world is theirs for the taking, that during the day, they will go out and conquer the world and they will come home to a nice meal and a warm bed. Women on the other hand are thought, if you do not know how to make a nice meal and keep a bed warm, then you are as useless as a couch potato with a remote control. You see the flaw here?

I was asked why i need feminism, to be honest, there are so many reasons why i need feminism, i will state them as i go along but mainly because i am asked why i need feminism. The moment someone begins to tell you not to do something is the moment you begin to wonder why you are being told not to do that thing, at least that is how i am. Do not blindly obey when told not to think, think. What are they so afraid for you to find out. Why are they so afraid of feminism succeeding, actually striking a change?

Feminism came about to let women all over know they are not alone in their struggle for equality. That they can be so much more than a kitchen staff and a bed warmer. Feminism pushes to let people know that women are so much more. That they can be more and do more. What does feminism hope to accomplish? To create a system that protects the interests of women, to create a system in which a woman gets paid based on her qualification, to create a system in which a woman can run for a political career and succeed. I do not understand how all of this is a bad thing, i will never understand why some women go about saying "oh no i am not a feminist", shut up and sit. You just sound and look ridiculous. Don't you want a society in which you are judged based on the person you are and not based on your gender? Don't you want to live a life filled with opportunities because you are skilled and not have to worry about your gender limiting you? The moment you say something as silly as that then you are contradicting so many things, don't you believe in the anti-racism campaign?

Words are heavy. I noticed. Let us say for now, right now that the word feminism does not exist. The word has been erased from our dictionaries and our minds. There is just a bunch of people on the street holding placards saying, "I want equal pay because i am qualified" "i am more than a house servant" "I am not weak and helpless, i can take care of myself". What would be your first thought when you read those placards. Forget about the people holding them up, just the sentences, also you cannot call them feminists because the word does not exist. They are just several anonymous gendered people telling the world that they demand more. That they are not satisfied. What would you think of that? Would you look at them and ask them why they want equal pay just because they are qualified? It makes sense to want that actually. Like i said, words are heavy. I don't know what some of you understand by feminism but obviously you are misunderstanding what feminism stands for. Think of yourself, you are man, you are paid less than your friend whom you are probably better than at a particular job, wouldn't that piss you off? Wouldn't that make you want to shove your foot up someones ass?

Listen to me, do not misunderstand feminism with "some feminists", believe me, not all feminists understand fully what feminism means. Do not misunderstand these peoples contradictions with that of essentially what feminism is about. You would be confused as hell. You will go "wait, these women want equality but they want me to pay for the date, i thought we were equal". Sit down. That is not what feminism is about, those are personal. Understand that people will bring their personal shit into feminism and there is nothing anyone can do about it, we cannot control the way people think. Keep the main idea of feminism at the back of your mind and you will look educated, not dumb as hell asking stupid questions.
Women are biologically weaker than men, that is something i had a hard time coming to terms with. Physical strength i mean. That is the basis of patriarchy. During those savage ages, during wars, obviously you will not carry someone whom is not physically capable of defending the clan to wars. There were exceptions of course but generally, the women and some of the not so strong men were left to protect the children while the stronger mainly male dominated army goes of to fight the enemies at the front. We are past those times now, it is 2014. Men are not marching off to battle fronts anymore(except obamas army which by the way comprises of both men and women). Women do not need to stay to protect the children while the men battle enemies at the war front. If the man can go off to look for something to sustain his life, so can the woman. We are not fighting clan wars anymore(we have evolved into newer types though).

If men feel left out of feminism, then honestly that is another problem for another set of people(men). Men tend to say, but feminism is exclusively about women, what about men getting discriminated, abused, raped and i tell them this. Feminism is about women. Only women. Solely women. A woman can go off to start a movement to protect men whom are getting discriminated, abused, raped. That is cool but it is not and will never be feminism. It will be called something else. Feminism IS exclusively for women, if men feel left out, then they should do something about it. Feminists are not responsible for the ego of men. Women went out and demanded to be heard, men can do the same as well. It is a free world(or so we like to think). Feminism is not here to baby sit you. If men decide to be feminists then that is cool, but they must remember, they are doing it out of humanity, because they are human and they strongly believe in the rights of people to demand equality. It is not a charity case or a pity party. To be feminist is to be human, call yourself whatever you like but feminism is about humanity, it is about civilisation. Nothing more, nothing less.

I am not here to convince you to support feminism. You do not have to. I am here to educate you, to make you understand the basics about feminism and it's contradictions. You can criticise it all you want and pretend women do not have problems that feminism addresses, that is your choice and it is fine. But i am sure you were birthed by a woman and out of respect for the women in your life, you would want them to live a full life, a life that does not limit their capabilities, a life that does not teach them to be good little obedient wives only.

Hopefully you got to the end of this long post and hopefully i did not spiral.

Sayonara
xx

When The Boy You Were In Love With Asks You

When the boy you were in love with
asks you if a poem
is about him,
tell him Yes
if it is,
tell him No
if it is not.
If it is
he will apologise
and he will thank you
for writing about him
laugh in his face
tell him not to thank you
does he thank his lungs
after each breath?.
Tell him not to apologise
he is so full of himself
tell him he did not break you
tell him he gave you poetry,
even if you want to cry
laugh in his face again
tell him not to be silly
you know he is not sorry
(Really he is not)
tell him to read the poem again
tell him it is neither an ode
nor a love song
tell him it is poetry
and then YOU thank him
for giving you
Poetry.

Tutorial 101: How to Digest Poetry.

First of all, a poem can mean anything, i actually depends on you, the reader. A poem holds a lot of meanings and it is open to interpretation, how you digest and understand a poem is up to you.
Fro example, a little poem from my book(Solitude):

"I am still haunted
by the ghosts
of all the words
that died in my throat."

To one person, this is a poem about supernatural forces, about possession and ghosts. To another person, this is a poem about all the things we don't say, the things we keep inside that end up hurting us or just bothering us. To some other person, it is an illogical poem, the person might think, uhh words are inanimate, they can't just die and lodge themselves in your throat.
We all have individual ways of interpreting poetry. My favourite thing to do when i read poetry is to imagine myself as the writer and feel what the writer felt while writing the poem, that way, i get to find true meanings behind the words of the poet. No one interpretation is correct, a poem could mean so many different things. Poets are vague like that, they like the mystery they create when writing. Most of the time, well all the time, poems are stories, they are conveying a message. You just need to find the story behind the poem. Put yourself in the poem, feel the feels lurking around the corners of the poem and just be the poem. Practicing like that will make it easier for you to easily understand the meanings behind poetry.
Mostly, with the rise of contemporary poetry, you can find meanings of them poems in the title. Another excerpt from my book, Solitude:

"For some people,
home is not a physical place
it is a heart
trapped in the body
of another soul.

-places/people we call Home"

The title of this poem says it all i think. "Places/People we call home", i shows that some of us find our idea of home when we are at a particular place and some of us are at home when we are with certain people. Poetry is beautiful in itself. It gives room for a kind of expression that says a lot about the writer. I mean, aren't all writers just writing about themselves in one way or another, or rather, reflecting themselves in their stories.
Personally, i like to read a poem and go, "oh wow, that is exactly how i feel" and i hope when people read my book, they will find poems which will make them go "oh wow, she is conveying my feelings".
This is not exactly a tutorial but a tutorial is such an attractive title...right? :D I hope you all enjoy poetry as much as i do.

Sayonara
xx