Bill C. Castengera's Blog, page 6
September 21, 2014
There Is No Mad Dash To Publishing
When I finished my book, I thought, "Okay! The hard part is over!" I spent a lot of time writing, refining, editing, rewriting, adding, subtracting, organizing plot structure, characterizing, throwing bits of exposition and dialogue around...the list goes on and on. Believe it or not, and maybe it's akin to self-inflicted pain, a little masochism, but that's not the hard part. That's actually the fun part. Really! That sounds fun right? People that write books NEED to find that fun. If they don't, they won't continue to write.
The point is, I thought I had reached the Mother Land! Everything is downhill now, right? The book has been written, now it's off to the printing press and the amazing word of mouth the book will receive will create sales from the ether! My part in this is done. Let the publishers market it and manage the rest while I get back to the fun part, the creation phase. I guess, subconsciously, I knew there was at least a little more 'post production' work I would have to do, but I did consider, in my wide eyed and child-like innocence, that most of the work was done. Wrong! So here's my experience of the post work that comes after the super fun creation work.
The novel is finished. Well, as much as it can be, because let's face it, we, as novelists, could carry on forever revising and editing, making it just a little better. But we have committed to letting it go, to letting our need for perpetual revising to just end. I submitted my work to many different publishing companies. What a short sentence that was to describe the angst involved it that! It wasn't dealing with rejections that authors seemed to be plagued with. I kept the attitude that submitting my work was half the battle. I even planned on framing my first rejection letter as proof of the effort. The hard part about submitting my work to different publishing houses was the formatting requirements. Each publishing house wants specific guidelines followed for your submitted work and it is vastly varied.
From margins to headers, to page numbers to title pages, here's what I ran into: publishing company "A" wants a header with your last name and email address at the top of each page of your manuscript. Publishing company "B" wants no page numbers and only wants the title of your manuscript at the top of each page. You phone number and email address must be on the title page. Publishing company "C" only accepts manuscripts with one inch margins and your last name should appear on the top of the page, left justified, but only at the beginning of each chapter, etc...the specification went on and on. Because of it, I found myself spending massive amounts of time before each submission reading though the requirements of each house and formatting my manuscript to their specs. After all, I didn't want my book slush piled(can I use those words as verbs?) just because I didn't follow the requisite formatting guidelines for that particular publishing house, right? So I trudged through it, reading the guidelines, formatting, submitting, reading the guidelines, formatting, submitting...oh! And not to mention the time spent before all that finding a publishing house that accepts the genre I write in. No sense in sending a publisher of romance novels a sci-fi, right? The process was grueling, and not fun, especially when all I wanted to do was to get back to that fun creation stage.
Eventually, two publishers wanted to publish my work. I guess they saw my magnificently formatted content and thought, "Hey, if nothing else, this guy can follow formatting guidelines!" Never mind about content! No, I'm sure(telling this to myself, now...) that the content was the driving factor for acceptance. So I was emailed a contract to peruse.
Upon reading the contract, I was simply not impressed. I would make less than a dollar a book sale. I would be required to purchase a minimum of forty books, and I would have to market it on my own. Is this what publishing houses are doing nowadays? So I took a step back for a moment. Here it was, the coveted book contract, the pinnacle of what I was after, and now the feeling was simply flat. It took the air out of my sails, that's for sure! I weighed the options and decided that I would explore the idea of self publishing.
The main thing I was after when I decided to sell my book wasn't money or fame or really any of that. It was a simple thing really. It was simply the confirmation that I was a good enough writer to have my book published one day, at some point, to call myself an author. So after the mad formatting and submittal dash, after I received the contract to simply sign and send back, I realized that the contract itself was confirmation enough. A publisher saw my work and decided that I was good enough to publish. I understand and acknowledge that publishers are taking a huge risk on a new author and spend little of their budget on marketing for first time novelists. I wasn't offended at all, just surprised that that's how it worked.
I decided, after some research, that if I were going to self publish, I would still be responsible for marketing and trying to sell my book. No advantage to having a publisher there. I would make more money on each sale. No advantage to having a publisher there. The only advantage I saw was the professional name behind my book, and the professional formatting service they would provide to make my book look as professional as possible. Unfortunately for them, the process of submitting my work made me an expert at book formatting! I decided to self publish and see how it went.
So four months after I finished my book, I had still not published, and decided to self publish. I mistakenly thought the majority of time to publish a book was the writing! Not true at all! That's the fun part. The next part in the process is what everyone in the self publishing world calls 'discoverability.' The journey was just beginning. I will expound on this process and what I experienced in my next blog. Hopefully, this blog will serve to demystify the publishing and querying process. I hope it will help anyone on a publishing mission to understand the process as I have come to understand it. Subscribe to the blog so you don't miss the process of discoverability. In many blogs of this type, people never tell you the hard sales numbers. As I work through the process, I will be transparent with this.
Buy My Book Here!
The point is, I thought I had reached the Mother Land! Everything is downhill now, right? The book has been written, now it's off to the printing press and the amazing word of mouth the book will receive will create sales from the ether! My part in this is done. Let the publishers market it and manage the rest while I get back to the fun part, the creation phase. I guess, subconsciously, I knew there was at least a little more 'post production' work I would have to do, but I did consider, in my wide eyed and child-like innocence, that most of the work was done. Wrong! So here's my experience of the post work that comes after the super fun creation work.
The novel is finished. Well, as much as it can be, because let's face it, we, as novelists, could carry on forever revising and editing, making it just a little better. But we have committed to letting it go, to letting our need for perpetual revising to just end. I submitted my work to many different publishing companies. What a short sentence that was to describe the angst involved it that! It wasn't dealing with rejections that authors seemed to be plagued with. I kept the attitude that submitting my work was half the battle. I even planned on framing my first rejection letter as proof of the effort. The hard part about submitting my work to different publishing houses was the formatting requirements. Each publishing house wants specific guidelines followed for your submitted work and it is vastly varied.
From margins to headers, to page numbers to title pages, here's what I ran into: publishing company "A" wants a header with your last name and email address at the top of each page of your manuscript. Publishing company "B" wants no page numbers and only wants the title of your manuscript at the top of each page. You phone number and email address must be on the title page. Publishing company "C" only accepts manuscripts with one inch margins and your last name should appear on the top of the page, left justified, but only at the beginning of each chapter, etc...the specification went on and on. Because of it, I found myself spending massive amounts of time before each submission reading though the requirements of each house and formatting my manuscript to their specs. After all, I didn't want my book slush piled(can I use those words as verbs?) just because I didn't follow the requisite formatting guidelines for that particular publishing house, right? So I trudged through it, reading the guidelines, formatting, submitting, reading the guidelines, formatting, submitting...oh! And not to mention the time spent before all that finding a publishing house that accepts the genre I write in. No sense in sending a publisher of romance novels a sci-fi, right? The process was grueling, and not fun, especially when all I wanted to do was to get back to that fun creation stage.
Eventually, two publishers wanted to publish my work. I guess they saw my magnificently formatted content and thought, "Hey, if nothing else, this guy can follow formatting guidelines!" Never mind about content! No, I'm sure(telling this to myself, now...) that the content was the driving factor for acceptance. So I was emailed a contract to peruse.
Upon reading the contract, I was simply not impressed. I would make less than a dollar a book sale. I would be required to purchase a minimum of forty books, and I would have to market it on my own. Is this what publishing houses are doing nowadays? So I took a step back for a moment. Here it was, the coveted book contract, the pinnacle of what I was after, and now the feeling was simply flat. It took the air out of my sails, that's for sure! I weighed the options and decided that I would explore the idea of self publishing.
The main thing I was after when I decided to sell my book wasn't money or fame or really any of that. It was a simple thing really. It was simply the confirmation that I was a good enough writer to have my book published one day, at some point, to call myself an author. So after the mad formatting and submittal dash, after I received the contract to simply sign and send back, I realized that the contract itself was confirmation enough. A publisher saw my work and decided that I was good enough to publish. I understand and acknowledge that publishers are taking a huge risk on a new author and spend little of their budget on marketing for first time novelists. I wasn't offended at all, just surprised that that's how it worked.
I decided, after some research, that if I were going to self publish, I would still be responsible for marketing and trying to sell my book. No advantage to having a publisher there. I would make more money on each sale. No advantage to having a publisher there. The only advantage I saw was the professional name behind my book, and the professional formatting service they would provide to make my book look as professional as possible. Unfortunately for them, the process of submitting my work made me an expert at book formatting! I decided to self publish and see how it went.
So four months after I finished my book, I had still not published, and decided to self publish. I mistakenly thought the majority of time to publish a book was the writing! Not true at all! That's the fun part. The next part in the process is what everyone in the self publishing world calls 'discoverability.' The journey was just beginning. I will expound on this process and what I experienced in my next blog. Hopefully, this blog will serve to demystify the publishing and querying process. I hope it will help anyone on a publishing mission to understand the process as I have come to understand it. Subscribe to the blog so you don't miss the process of discoverability. In many blogs of this type, people never tell you the hard sales numbers. As I work through the process, I will be transparent with this.
Buy My Book Here!
September 14, 2014
Inspiration: Create. It.
There is a stark contrast between letting things happen to you and making things happen for you. I think most of us, most of the time, just idly let things happen to us. We are more reactive than proactive. This is not an insult, just an observation of human nature. None of us are always firing on all cylinders. It's just not possible.
This week, I decided to write an inspirational blog. Well, semi-inspirational, since I plan on throwing in a little shot of reality too. I often find that inspirational allegories are so outside of reality, they often work in contradiction to what they're trying to achieve. Nothing can ever be absolute, and one could look at these snippets of inspiration in two ways:
1. Take it for what it is. You know you'll never quite achieve the perfection of whatever inspirational quote you're reading or trying to achieve, but you know in trying to get there, you will at least be a little better off than you were before.
2. The inspirational words aspire to a too perfect view and you are defeated before you even start.
I think most of us try the former, but lately, I've been on the latter. And that's not to say I'm in a deep state of depression or have a defeated worldview. I'm just being realistic. Inspirational quotes or memes or sonnets or blogs--whatever(you get the idea here)--so often serve to remind me what I'm not doing that I should be doing. Granted, that's probably not what the writer had in mind.
Here's an example: "Don't let outside influences halt your personal motivation. You can do anything you desire." Not a great one, but nonetheless, it's meant to inspire and motivate. And let me know if I'm reading too deeply into it, which, nevermind, I know I do that sort of thing on a regular basis already--BUT most people read something like that and gloss over it, never giving it another thought. Most people will read it and go, "Hmmmmm. Well, yes, that's right, I shouldn't let outside influences control me or get me down." But then not another thought is spared about it.
I, on the other hand, consider it, weigh it, analyze it, and quite probably I am thinking way too deeply into it than intended. How can an inspirational quote start with the word Don't? Seems to start off negatively there...
Also, I have a real problem with the idea that some stranger is trying to tell me what to do. But by the suggestion of the quote, I shouldnt let this quote(which is an outside influence) halt my personal motivation. So I guess if I'm trying to follow and enact this in my daily life, and if this quote is serving to demotivate me, should I not allow it? But I think I'm getting off point here.
No one can be constantly productive. That's where I was going. I see so many people yearning for that big break, that one knock of opportunity. They are dying to get out of dead end jobs and poor relationships. They want so desperately to live the life they imagine it should be. We all have had that attitude at some point I suppose. But the real problem I see is that many people that feel that way, sit there, immobile, hoping that the change will come without any sort of action on their part. They want that change so badly, but they don't take steps to create that change. In a perfect world, everyone would be handed their own personal key to happiness without ever having to work for it. It's what we all want, right? Well, sorry, it's most likely not going to happen until you take some action.
I would love to win the lottery. Oh man! Would I self-gluttonize! I sit in my recliner with my tablet in hand checking the numbers week after week to no avail. Success doesn't seem to come. But I'm sitting there, just waiting to win it! Oh, by the way, I never bought a ticket. That's essentially what we are doing: hoping to win a lottery we never bought a ticket for. You must take some sort of action for something to occur. It will not come if you stay actionless. That's the point. You must create your opportunities. But, how then, does one obtain the inspiration?
This, I believe is where almost everyone fails. No one seems to be doing anything. Like zombies they simply trudge on, hope driving them but oblivious of the requirement to take action. Hope, but no action. If you choose to do something, you are already at the top of the class. You exponentially have a better chance at achieving your dream, whatever it may be. To me, that is inspiration enough.
Inspiration cannot come from an external source. You must be inwardly moved. A simple quote can be a catalyst for that inner inspiration, but ultimately, it is your willingness to take action. THAT is what inspiration is. If we can learn to create that desire to take action within ourselves, maybe the dream can become a reality. Until then, like most of society, we dumbly accept our lot in life and take no action to achieve our dreams. Since we--and by 'we' I mean most of the rest of society--since we are squared firmly inside the mediocre bucket, any movement toward the dream will distinguish you away from that mediocrity. That is an encouraging thought. More encouraging than that, though, is realizing that the dream can be within reach, if only you make the move to extend your arm and reach out your hand. Then at least for you, the dream will be closer to your outstretched fingers than the guy standing next to you, with both arms planted firmly at his sides.
Check out my book!
This week, I decided to write an inspirational blog. Well, semi-inspirational, since I plan on throwing in a little shot of reality too. I often find that inspirational allegories are so outside of reality, they often work in contradiction to what they're trying to achieve. Nothing can ever be absolute, and one could look at these snippets of inspiration in two ways:
1. Take it for what it is. You know you'll never quite achieve the perfection of whatever inspirational quote you're reading or trying to achieve, but you know in trying to get there, you will at least be a little better off than you were before.
2. The inspirational words aspire to a too perfect view and you are defeated before you even start.
I think most of us try the former, but lately, I've been on the latter. And that's not to say I'm in a deep state of depression or have a defeated worldview. I'm just being realistic. Inspirational quotes or memes or sonnets or blogs--whatever(you get the idea here)--so often serve to remind me what I'm not doing that I should be doing. Granted, that's probably not what the writer had in mind.
Here's an example: "Don't let outside influences halt your personal motivation. You can do anything you desire." Not a great one, but nonetheless, it's meant to inspire and motivate. And let me know if I'm reading too deeply into it, which, nevermind, I know I do that sort of thing on a regular basis already--BUT most people read something like that and gloss over it, never giving it another thought. Most people will read it and go, "Hmmmmm. Well, yes, that's right, I shouldn't let outside influences control me or get me down." But then not another thought is spared about it.
I, on the other hand, consider it, weigh it, analyze it, and quite probably I am thinking way too deeply into it than intended. How can an inspirational quote start with the word Don't? Seems to start off negatively there...
Also, I have a real problem with the idea that some stranger is trying to tell me what to do. But by the suggestion of the quote, I shouldnt let this quote(which is an outside influence) halt my personal motivation. So I guess if I'm trying to follow and enact this in my daily life, and if this quote is serving to demotivate me, should I not allow it? But I think I'm getting off point here.
No one can be constantly productive. That's where I was going. I see so many people yearning for that big break, that one knock of opportunity. They are dying to get out of dead end jobs and poor relationships. They want so desperately to live the life they imagine it should be. We all have had that attitude at some point I suppose. But the real problem I see is that many people that feel that way, sit there, immobile, hoping that the change will come without any sort of action on their part. They want that change so badly, but they don't take steps to create that change. In a perfect world, everyone would be handed their own personal key to happiness without ever having to work for it. It's what we all want, right? Well, sorry, it's most likely not going to happen until you take some action.
I would love to win the lottery. Oh man! Would I self-gluttonize! I sit in my recliner with my tablet in hand checking the numbers week after week to no avail. Success doesn't seem to come. But I'm sitting there, just waiting to win it! Oh, by the way, I never bought a ticket. That's essentially what we are doing: hoping to win a lottery we never bought a ticket for. You must take some sort of action for something to occur. It will not come if you stay actionless. That's the point. You must create your opportunities. But, how then, does one obtain the inspiration?
This, I believe is where almost everyone fails. No one seems to be doing anything. Like zombies they simply trudge on, hope driving them but oblivious of the requirement to take action. Hope, but no action. If you choose to do something, you are already at the top of the class. You exponentially have a better chance at achieving your dream, whatever it may be. To me, that is inspiration enough.
Inspiration cannot come from an external source. You must be inwardly moved. A simple quote can be a catalyst for that inner inspiration, but ultimately, it is your willingness to take action. THAT is what inspiration is. If we can learn to create that desire to take action within ourselves, maybe the dream can become a reality. Until then, like most of society, we dumbly accept our lot in life and take no action to achieve our dreams. Since we--and by 'we' I mean most of the rest of society--since we are squared firmly inside the mediocre bucket, any movement toward the dream will distinguish you away from that mediocrity. That is an encouraging thought. More encouraging than that, though, is realizing that the dream can be within reach, if only you make the move to extend your arm and reach out your hand. Then at least for you, the dream will be closer to your outstretched fingers than the guy standing next to you, with both arms planted firmly at his sides.
Check out my book!
May 29, 2014
The Hope Of Perpetuation
Everything, everywhere, builds on a foundation. I've always considered this to be true, but I've never articulated it in writing, verbally or otherwise. I'm think, at one time or another, everyone has at least thought about it. Look around you, and think about everything you have, everything you've learned, and everything you are, currently, as a person. Everything occurs in a series of steps that builds on the foundation you have laid down.
I once thought of the world as a mess, as a hodgepodge of incomplete works, things people began but never finished. Everywhere I looked, I saw unfinished projects: roads in the middle of construction, flip phones, tube TVs, gardens, elementary school children, the NFL draft. All of these things, indeed everything else in this world too, were not finished and would never be finished. They were simply building to a crescendo that would never occur. They were all projects that would continue to be reinvented, redefined and improved upon. But my view of the world, as I get older, is beginning to change.
I dare suspect(as if I know the minds and hearts of others) that I am metamorphisizing backwards in this. I would think that most people initially view the world through the prism of hopeful optimism and evolve away from that into a negative cynicism. As I live on, I think I'm moving away from the idea of an incomplete world and into the idea that there is no technological ceiling. There will never be an end to the incomplete projects of the world, but now I feel a comfort in that, not a brooding sense of failure. It is like a classical masteiece ending on a suspended seventh, and I'm waiting, screaming for that resolution chord to finish the concert but it never comes and we, the audience, sit in our red velvet seats, stuck in suspense for all eternity. But after being stuck on that chord for so long, maybe, just maybe, I begin to recognize the hope in it. It is the idea that we are never finished--not as a negative, but instead as a positive. Things will always improve. And with that idea, comes hope. It is the focal point that changed, I guess. I am no longer focussing on the incomplete, but instead focussing on the future possibilities, and imagining the evolution.
The same is true with everything in this world. End points are an illusion, like the concept of time. Ends are a means constructed by the human mind to force some sort of order on the world in which we live. The idea helps us feel fulfilled. Admittedly, it's hard not to be seduced by it. For example, I mow my lawn. I am finished. Broaden the time frame and I am not finished. If you broaden it enough, I will end up cutting it next week too. Broadened to infinity, I will never fully complete the task. Again, and simply for the fact that it bears repeating, everything is this way.
We define what constitutes the end of something. We make an imaginary stopping point, a point where we say, it will be done when....fill in the blank. But it's never done. We percieve something to be completed when we arrive at this imaginary end point. Everything stretches to infinity, and our minds cannot grasp it. Because of this inability to fully grasp the concept of infinity, we must create absolutes. Instead of negatively viewing a project as never finished, I submit the challenge to view it positively. It is a chance to improve on it, a chance for continuation, a hopeful progression of perpetuation. There are no real end points, no fulfilling victories. The fulfillment comes in improving, in always having that last chance to do it better. It is what has given us what we have today. Everything builds on a foundation and goes on ad infinitum...
http://www.amazon.com/Shift-Bill-C-Castengera/dp/150088703X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1410747499&sr=1-1&keywords=castengera
I once thought of the world as a mess, as a hodgepodge of incomplete works, things people began but never finished. Everywhere I looked, I saw unfinished projects: roads in the middle of construction, flip phones, tube TVs, gardens, elementary school children, the NFL draft. All of these things, indeed everything else in this world too, were not finished and would never be finished. They were simply building to a crescendo that would never occur. They were all projects that would continue to be reinvented, redefined and improved upon. But my view of the world, as I get older, is beginning to change.
I dare suspect(as if I know the minds and hearts of others) that I am metamorphisizing backwards in this. I would think that most people initially view the world through the prism of hopeful optimism and evolve away from that into a negative cynicism. As I live on, I think I'm moving away from the idea of an incomplete world and into the idea that there is no technological ceiling. There will never be an end to the incomplete projects of the world, but now I feel a comfort in that, not a brooding sense of failure. It is like a classical masteiece ending on a suspended seventh, and I'm waiting, screaming for that resolution chord to finish the concert but it never comes and we, the audience, sit in our red velvet seats, stuck in suspense for all eternity. But after being stuck on that chord for so long, maybe, just maybe, I begin to recognize the hope in it. It is the idea that we are never finished--not as a negative, but instead as a positive. Things will always improve. And with that idea, comes hope. It is the focal point that changed, I guess. I am no longer focussing on the incomplete, but instead focussing on the future possibilities, and imagining the evolution.
The same is true with everything in this world. End points are an illusion, like the concept of time. Ends are a means constructed by the human mind to force some sort of order on the world in which we live. The idea helps us feel fulfilled. Admittedly, it's hard not to be seduced by it. For example, I mow my lawn. I am finished. Broaden the time frame and I am not finished. If you broaden it enough, I will end up cutting it next week too. Broadened to infinity, I will never fully complete the task. Again, and simply for the fact that it bears repeating, everything is this way.
We define what constitutes the end of something. We make an imaginary stopping point, a point where we say, it will be done when....fill in the blank. But it's never done. We percieve something to be completed when we arrive at this imaginary end point. Everything stretches to infinity, and our minds cannot grasp it. Because of this inability to fully grasp the concept of infinity, we must create absolutes. Instead of negatively viewing a project as never finished, I submit the challenge to view it positively. It is a chance to improve on it, a chance for continuation, a hopeful progression of perpetuation. There are no real end points, no fulfilling victories. The fulfillment comes in improving, in always having that last chance to do it better. It is what has given us what we have today. Everything builds on a foundation and goes on ad infinitum...
http://www.amazon.com/Shift-Bill-C-Castengera/dp/150088703X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1410747499&sr=1-1&keywords=castengera
January 30, 2014
Interact, MAN! Be A Part Of Something!
I've always thought of interacting with people as a hassle. I'm not sure why I feel like this, so that's why I've decided to dig in this week and do a little self evaluation. Hopefully, if this works out right, by the end of this narrative foray, I'll at least be a little closer to the answer--and maybe a little closer to understanding myself as an individual. I think we all suppress personality traits. We all hide behind a socially acceptable mask of vanilla opinions and predictable responses. Perhaps we don't want to offend, perhaps we all, deep down, just want people to like and accept us. I have been at this game for a long time, and it's becoming obvious to me now, that I have lost my identity in the process. Maybe there never was a time when I just let it loose, full steam ahead, destroying every preconceived notion of me in its wake. Maybe I never even had an accurate identity to begin with. After all, we are our outward appearance. We are perceived by others how we elect to outwardly appear.
I wonder how many of us really know ourselves. How do we really feel about things? Why do we do things we don't enjoy? I would imagine that the benefit received by doing the joyless act outweighs the misery of doing it. That's the only reason that I can think of. But, and at the same time, I don't really ever recall sitting down and deeply considering the nuances of cause and effect. I have a healthy respect for the human mind and it's ability to subconsciously make many decisions all at once, and maybe we're on auto pilot. I always fear that we flick that auto pilot switch on a little too often. We've become complacent with everything, detached, and we're not quite as self aware as we once were. I'm often haunted by the question: Am I living life, or is life living me? How much control do I take in the results of my own life? Not enough. I am drifting down the lazy river of life on an inner tube, casually taking in the scenery, but most of the time I'm napping. Those of you that know me, know that my naps are not only a metaphor for not stopping to smell the roses, but also a reality that I take extremely seriously.
Who am I? Ah, an age-old question, possibly too complex for a simple, multi-million neuron equipped network of synaptic impulses to determine. Who am I, really? Maybe that's a better question. Who I am is relative to the observer. Who I am really pulls out the relativistic factor and implies that the answer will be a fact, regardless of observer. Strangely, no one could ever know the answer but me, and even that is questionable. Does everyone engage in a societal desire to be accepted? I've heard people say they don't care what others think of them, but I wonder if that's truly the case. Part of being human is to desire interaction, to feel like you belong to something, to be able to relate to someone about anything. There are countless groups and organizations you can elect to be a part of. Most of us belong to more than one. Republican, PTA, car club, book club, Sam's Club, magazine subscriber, movie goer, dancer, writer, blogger, Facebooker, Twitter--ah...tweeter, Christian, drinker, student...the list could go on forever. People want to be a part of something, it seems. But not me. I don't desire interaction. People who know me might find that surprising. People who really know me, know this about me. I loathe the mere potential for interaction.
I find interacting cumbersome. I find meeting new people awkward. I have groomed myself into a passably believable(maybe I'm fooling myself here) extrovert. People often seem surprised when I tell them I could easily be a recluse. People think I'm joking when I call myself an introvert. I have fooled them too well, it seems. I enjoy solitude. I like quiet time. I like to have time alone with my own thoughts. This way, I can get to know myself better. I don't always have to be doing something. I can bask in the silence of solitude indefinitely. But despite that almost depressing fact, I am also pretty charismatic and ridiculously narcissistic. Can these things really go together or define who I really am? Only I can be the judge of it and I'm thinking that this evaluation is spot on.
I think I'm too concerned with how others perceive me. I'm too concerned with the fact that I might accidentally offend someone. Please don't misunderstand me. I have no problem in offending people. I have a problem with accidentally offending someone. If I have a goal in mind, i.e. Offending someone and I succeed--total win! On the other hand if my goal was not to offend, and I still offend--total loss! If I gave up my concerns about how others percieve me, though, would it be an improvement? If I just lived my life, and truly didn't care what other people thought of me, and lived an "I am what I am" existence(wasn't that a Popeye quote??), would I feel like less of a fraud? Because when I'm pandering to people, in the hopes that I can sway a positive opinion from them about me, that's exactly how I feel: Fraudulent. And perhaps that's the main problem with this whole situation. It's the fact that I feel like I am selling a fraudulent personality. And that makes me feel dishonest.
The tough part to swallow then is the idea that there will never be a truly honest portrayal of my personality. One reason is because I honestly don't know who I truly am since I've been faking it for so long. Another reason is because no one would appreciate it to begin with because it would be sinfully self-centered. And yet another reason is because everyone's in the same boat. No one truly knows themselves. People pander to be accepted. People bend their morals to be accepted and people act out of character so that they can manipulate another person's perception of them. It's textbook sociopathy. We are all on that track, I suppose. And despite my advanced ability to think freely, this is a case where I've decided to follow the rest of the cows to slaughter. And I'm okay with it. At least I'm part of something.
I wonder how many of us really know ourselves. How do we really feel about things? Why do we do things we don't enjoy? I would imagine that the benefit received by doing the joyless act outweighs the misery of doing it. That's the only reason that I can think of. But, and at the same time, I don't really ever recall sitting down and deeply considering the nuances of cause and effect. I have a healthy respect for the human mind and it's ability to subconsciously make many decisions all at once, and maybe we're on auto pilot. I always fear that we flick that auto pilot switch on a little too often. We've become complacent with everything, detached, and we're not quite as self aware as we once were. I'm often haunted by the question: Am I living life, or is life living me? How much control do I take in the results of my own life? Not enough. I am drifting down the lazy river of life on an inner tube, casually taking in the scenery, but most of the time I'm napping. Those of you that know me, know that my naps are not only a metaphor for not stopping to smell the roses, but also a reality that I take extremely seriously.
Who am I? Ah, an age-old question, possibly too complex for a simple, multi-million neuron equipped network of synaptic impulses to determine. Who am I, really? Maybe that's a better question. Who I am is relative to the observer. Who I am really pulls out the relativistic factor and implies that the answer will be a fact, regardless of observer. Strangely, no one could ever know the answer but me, and even that is questionable. Does everyone engage in a societal desire to be accepted? I've heard people say they don't care what others think of them, but I wonder if that's truly the case. Part of being human is to desire interaction, to feel like you belong to something, to be able to relate to someone about anything. There are countless groups and organizations you can elect to be a part of. Most of us belong to more than one. Republican, PTA, car club, book club, Sam's Club, magazine subscriber, movie goer, dancer, writer, blogger, Facebooker, Twitter--ah...tweeter, Christian, drinker, student...the list could go on forever. People want to be a part of something, it seems. But not me. I don't desire interaction. People who know me might find that surprising. People who really know me, know this about me. I loathe the mere potential for interaction.
I find interacting cumbersome. I find meeting new people awkward. I have groomed myself into a passably believable(maybe I'm fooling myself here) extrovert. People often seem surprised when I tell them I could easily be a recluse. People think I'm joking when I call myself an introvert. I have fooled them too well, it seems. I enjoy solitude. I like quiet time. I like to have time alone with my own thoughts. This way, I can get to know myself better. I don't always have to be doing something. I can bask in the silence of solitude indefinitely. But despite that almost depressing fact, I am also pretty charismatic and ridiculously narcissistic. Can these things really go together or define who I really am? Only I can be the judge of it and I'm thinking that this evaluation is spot on.
I think I'm too concerned with how others perceive me. I'm too concerned with the fact that I might accidentally offend someone. Please don't misunderstand me. I have no problem in offending people. I have a problem with accidentally offending someone. If I have a goal in mind, i.e. Offending someone and I succeed--total win! On the other hand if my goal was not to offend, and I still offend--total loss! If I gave up my concerns about how others percieve me, though, would it be an improvement? If I just lived my life, and truly didn't care what other people thought of me, and lived an "I am what I am" existence(wasn't that a Popeye quote??), would I feel like less of a fraud? Because when I'm pandering to people, in the hopes that I can sway a positive opinion from them about me, that's exactly how I feel: Fraudulent. And perhaps that's the main problem with this whole situation. It's the fact that I feel like I am selling a fraudulent personality. And that makes me feel dishonest.
The tough part to swallow then is the idea that there will never be a truly honest portrayal of my personality. One reason is because I honestly don't know who I truly am since I've been faking it for so long. Another reason is because no one would appreciate it to begin with because it would be sinfully self-centered. And yet another reason is because everyone's in the same boat. No one truly knows themselves. People pander to be accepted. People bend their morals to be accepted and people act out of character so that they can manipulate another person's perception of them. It's textbook sociopathy. We are all on that track, I suppose. And despite my advanced ability to think freely, this is a case where I've decided to follow the rest of the cows to slaughter. And I'm okay with it. At least I'm part of something.
November 20, 2013
Small Talk Is Vampiric
I think I'm personable. I think I get along well with others. I outwardly accept most situations, even though sometimes someone throws a serious curveball and I'm ill prepared to mask my surprise. Most of this may seem intangible so I'm prepared to back it up with examples. But before the example backup, ask yourself how well you roll with the punches. I guess it's not necessarily even punches I'm talking about, because that implies a hardship, and even though that's a portion of what I'm talking about, it's more frequent. Ask yourself how well you can make someone feel that you relate to them. How well do you put people at ease, allowing them to feel safe enough to give you a glimpse into their twisted lives? I feel that I have, in some scope, refined an ability to do this. It sounds sociopathic. It sounds like social engineering or psy ops. I suppose it is on its most basic level. It's social guerrilla warfare, a manipulation of perception swayed in your favor to gain an insight not just anyone can gain.
As a general rule, I'm not a "small talk" kind of person. It's awkward and irrelevant. Small talk is, at best, a disengenuous act of feigning compassion about someone else's concerns. I'm more of a "say what you need and then let's shut the hell up" kind of person. This may sound a bit harsh, and maybe I don't mean it quite as harsh as it seems to sound. Basically, I want my conversations to stay relevant. I have been known to tell people that I think their story is too long. I can fake interest in brief sections of time. But when someone's story drags on and on, I get antsy. Gotta keep moving. I liken it to someone telling me what they dreamed. This is so irrelevant, it makes me want to cry vomit. Yes, cry vomit, since it's so sad and nauseating at the same time. What happened in your dream is pointless and holds no bearing on real life(I'll not get into a debate about psychic phenomena or future predictions from dreams, here). Often, when someone is explaining their dream, it is an ill-constructed, plotless, weird recount of events that have no structure or climactic payoff. They all end with "then I woke up." There is no character development, and no plot line resolution. Its a waste of time. The only format in which dream recitation is acceptable to me is in two to three sentence explanations. "I dreamt that you had a goats head, then we hunted you and ate you for dinner. Pretty weird, huh?" Quick, to the point, and a breath of fresh air. So, I'm getting off the dream stump now, and back to what I'm trying to convey.
Since I get bored with small talk and everyone seems to want to do it, I have no choice but to engage in it so I can fit under the societal umbrella of normal. So I often play a game. I roll with what people tell me. I feign interest. I ask follow up questions and I listen way more than I talk. If you ever get a chance to watch two people engage in small talk, I recommend that you look at it through this prism: Every intention that the two people have during the interaction is to twist the conversation into something meaningful and relevant to them. It's a struggle for floor time, a struggle for each of them to keep the conversation about themselves, to gain control of the spotlight. If I get stuck in a small talk situation(which is not that often, since I'm easily put off by it), I allow it to be about the other person. I don't grapple for the focus. It's interesting to me because it makes people really feel that I care. But it's also exhausting because I am loading up on someone else's emotional baggage. If I could come up with a way best to explain it, I would call it "emotional energy transference." I am letting someone use me to unload their emotional energy and so I absorb it, making them feel better and me feel like I now have their emotional weight. These people are energy vampires, off-loading their negative energy and corrupting my positive energy. That's why I don't like to engage in it. It's exhausting.
You'll find that when you don't wrestle for the focus in conversations, people will tell you way more than you expect to hear. And also, your reaction will alert them as to wether they feel safe to continue or if they feel that they've said too much and back off. I always try to handle whatever people tell me as normal and not too far off the beaten path, even when it is way outside the grid. "Oh, you killed your girlfriend last night? Hmmm. Sounds reasonable. How'd you do it?" This makes them feel safe and they will continue, knowing now, that you are not judging and are sympathetic to their point of view.
So, I'm obviously and constantly thinking inwardly. Outwardly, I accept what people tell me. Inwardly, I'm thinking crazy thoughts about this killer I'm talking to and how I hope they don't kill me, and how can I get out of this conversation without getting kilt. (Decided to use the vernacular of "killed." I don't know, maybe now I'm getting bored with my own story)...
So anyway, I guess this post is about holding a reaction to get more insight because it makes people feel more comfortable. And I guess it's about how if I can avoid it, I will, but also, if I can't avoid it, I try to seem genuinely interested to build that trust to see how much I can get out of them. Mostly it's about how bat-shit crazy my mind is, and how long conversations suck the life out of me.
As a general rule, I'm not a "small talk" kind of person. It's awkward and irrelevant. Small talk is, at best, a disengenuous act of feigning compassion about someone else's concerns. I'm more of a "say what you need and then let's shut the hell up" kind of person. This may sound a bit harsh, and maybe I don't mean it quite as harsh as it seems to sound. Basically, I want my conversations to stay relevant. I have been known to tell people that I think their story is too long. I can fake interest in brief sections of time. But when someone's story drags on and on, I get antsy. Gotta keep moving. I liken it to someone telling me what they dreamed. This is so irrelevant, it makes me want to cry vomit. Yes, cry vomit, since it's so sad and nauseating at the same time. What happened in your dream is pointless and holds no bearing on real life(I'll not get into a debate about psychic phenomena or future predictions from dreams, here). Often, when someone is explaining their dream, it is an ill-constructed, plotless, weird recount of events that have no structure or climactic payoff. They all end with "then I woke up." There is no character development, and no plot line resolution. Its a waste of time. The only format in which dream recitation is acceptable to me is in two to three sentence explanations. "I dreamt that you had a goats head, then we hunted you and ate you for dinner. Pretty weird, huh?" Quick, to the point, and a breath of fresh air. So, I'm getting off the dream stump now, and back to what I'm trying to convey.
Since I get bored with small talk and everyone seems to want to do it, I have no choice but to engage in it so I can fit under the societal umbrella of normal. So I often play a game. I roll with what people tell me. I feign interest. I ask follow up questions and I listen way more than I talk. If you ever get a chance to watch two people engage in small talk, I recommend that you look at it through this prism: Every intention that the two people have during the interaction is to twist the conversation into something meaningful and relevant to them. It's a struggle for floor time, a struggle for each of them to keep the conversation about themselves, to gain control of the spotlight. If I get stuck in a small talk situation(which is not that often, since I'm easily put off by it), I allow it to be about the other person. I don't grapple for the focus. It's interesting to me because it makes people really feel that I care. But it's also exhausting because I am loading up on someone else's emotional baggage. If I could come up with a way best to explain it, I would call it "emotional energy transference." I am letting someone use me to unload their emotional energy and so I absorb it, making them feel better and me feel like I now have their emotional weight. These people are energy vampires, off-loading their negative energy and corrupting my positive energy. That's why I don't like to engage in it. It's exhausting.
You'll find that when you don't wrestle for the focus in conversations, people will tell you way more than you expect to hear. And also, your reaction will alert them as to wether they feel safe to continue or if they feel that they've said too much and back off. I always try to handle whatever people tell me as normal and not too far off the beaten path, even when it is way outside the grid. "Oh, you killed your girlfriend last night? Hmmm. Sounds reasonable. How'd you do it?" This makes them feel safe and they will continue, knowing now, that you are not judging and are sympathetic to their point of view.
So, I'm obviously and constantly thinking inwardly. Outwardly, I accept what people tell me. Inwardly, I'm thinking crazy thoughts about this killer I'm talking to and how I hope they don't kill me, and how can I get out of this conversation without getting kilt. (Decided to use the vernacular of "killed." I don't know, maybe now I'm getting bored with my own story)...
So anyway, I guess this post is about holding a reaction to get more insight because it makes people feel more comfortable. And I guess it's about how if I can avoid it, I will, but also, if I can't avoid it, I try to seem genuinely interested to build that trust to see how much I can get out of them. Mostly it's about how bat-shit crazy my mind is, and how long conversations suck the life out of me.
November 5, 2013
5 Life Lessons In 36 Years
Here's a list of lessons that took 36 years for me to learn. While I understand that just reading this list is no substitute for actual experience, hopefully it can allow one to arrive to the conclusions a little more expediently than it took me.
1. People are selfish. Big deal, you knew that already, right? People want to feel important. People's worlds revolve around themselves. Obvious lesson, right? I think I knew that early on, but maybe not quite to the extent that it realistically is. There are subconscious subtleties to this lesson that I never considered or even fathomed. It starts at one's desire to hear their own name to wanting money, fame, etc. We, even me, want it all. Everything. It's a deeply rooted, base feeling inside us all. It's the human condition and can lead to pretty substantial problems. A surface word for it is greed. But it's more than that. It's a subconscious fear of inferiority. None of us are confident. We hide it through arrogance and vanity. But it's there.
The lesson, I guess, wasn't that people are selfish. As I said, I knew that early on. The real lesson was how to deal with this fact. It was the 36 year long struggle with how to interact with people in a world of selfishness that was the eye opener. So here's the secret,if you haven't figured it out yet in your own journey through this tangled world: Play into it. Very simple. Use people's names. Ask questions from the perspective of what's important to them. Remember details. Stop talking and listen. Do this, and your desire to feel important will be fulfilled, because you'll find that people suddenly want to be around you. You'll become likable. Funny how that works.
As a manager, I've hired many people. More applicants than you might realize speak in terms of what they want. Instant interview killer. Without being too insensitive, here, I just don't care what they want. I'm interviewing people to find qualities in someone that I want. "So, Mr. So-and-so, why do you want to work for our company?"
"Well, I'm ready for a change of pace. I need to make a higher salary. I wanted better hours than my previous job and I just had a baby so I need the benefits...." Blah blah blah. How about speaking in terms of what the employer might want?
"I feel that I might be a good fit for your company because I have experience doing x,y,z. Also I'm really impressed with the operation of your company. (A little ego stroke). I feel that I can add value to your organization because blah blah blah." Speak in terms of what other people want. You will instantaneously become a desirable person to be around and a breath of fresh air to the selfish monotony of other people. Not just in interviews--that was just an example--but in life. Talk less, listen more. And when you do talk, speak in terms of the other person's desires instead of your own.
2. Nothing is free. There is a cost to all things. If a deal seems too good to be true, it probably is, and if there is a truer cliche, I don't know it. We all wish for free things, but there is no substitute for working hard to get it. Working hard for things adds value to the thing you got and builds confidence when you succeed. It's not our fault that we feel like sometimes we should catch a break on something. We are indoctrinated. As kids, most of us lived with parents who provided for us and for a long time, things truly did seem "free." It wasn't. Our parents worked for the "freebies" we enjoyed. We know that now, as adults, but we still don't fully consider it. I see it with my kids, too. We want to provide the very best for them and we do, but there will come a time when we unleash the real world on them and the realization that nothing is free will come to them. Despite this realization, we desperately want the free ride. We want a taste of that innocence again, the worry-free attitude of the hand out. It's a natural feeling but understand that it's gone and it will not come back.
There has been a lot of debate recently about government filling that cavity of emptiness we all have. And it is a tempting notion. But remember, nothing is free. Whatever it is, must be paid for by someone, somewhere.
3. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. We have all done some things we are not proud of. We have all made mistakes and have had to live either with the guilt of not getting caught or the consequences of what we did. We all have embarrassing moments. We all have memories of something that happened to us that still makes us cringe with regret. We have all lied about something at some point, and we all have all of that hanging over our heads at all times and the stress of it has made us into who we are presenting to the public today. Baggage. Emotional baggage. I have a theory about this. In life, we start out with no property, no emotional baggage. As we age, we accumulate a bag, a small one. Eventually that bag turns into a suitcase and later still, that suitcase turns into a forty piece luggage set that you carry with you everywhere. We cannot let go of our past mistakes. We will carry that baggage with us everywhere until our death. That's not my theory, though. My theory is this: If you get married young, the other person will have less emotional baggage for you to have to deal with. The older you get, the more emotional baggage and the less likely you'll be to get past it all. Like going on vacation, it's a lot easier to travel with two bags than it is with three. You see where I'm going here. The theory is only a theory so unbunch those panties! It's simply an idea I've had about people and relationships for a while and there's no way to prove its accuracy. There's WAY too many variables for a controlled experiment to occur. But know this simple lesson. Everyone is dealing with a personal past and it shapes who we are today. It is the reason that someone has trust issues. It is the reason someone adjusts the rear view mirror every time they get behind the wheel and it's the reason someone is doesn't take no for an answer. It is trivial, and it is gigantic. It doesn't matter how small or big, it is the reason we are who we are.
4. Do things you don't want to do. Obviously, I'm not talking about killing someone or anything even remotely harmful or illegal. All I'm saying is to get out of your comfort zone from time to time. I don't know many people that like doing things that they're not already comfortable with. It is awkward, uncomfortable, humiliating, maybe. You cannot do something confidently until you've had practice at it, or at least have done it a couple of times. We don't like feeling unsure. I get it. We don't like that we might look foolish. But really, who cares all that much if you look foolish? Just you, that's who. I made a decision a while back to just charge in and try it. If there's something I haven't done before, I refuse to go in meekly or timidly. I will either surprise myself and do whatever it is well, or I will fail miserably and look like the biggest fool ever. And I have decided to be okay with the latter. I'm already dragging a few tons of emotional baggage around anyway, load me up. I have found, and I guess here's the real lesson behind the scene, is that when I charge into things head on like that, and even when I aggressively fail, my emotional baggage stays the same size. It's a mental preemptive choice, to accept that I might fail, and that if I do, to take it in stride.
5. Be honest, and give bad news. No one I know enjoys having to give bad news. In fact, most people try to dodge it at all costs. It's difficult to do and emotionally painful, but do it anyways. Most people will be surprised by your honesty. Don't mistake what I'm trying to say though. Don't seek out bad news just so you can inflict an emotional breakdown on someone. That is ethically defunct, and mean for no good reason. But if you must give someone bad news, don't avoid it. On top of that, it has been my experience that the sooner the bad news is delivered, the easier it is. In counterpoint, the longer you avoid it, the harder it becomes. Get it out of the way so it's not sitting heavily on your shoulders for any length of time and so that whoever is going to receive the bad news can begin to accept whatever it is and move on from it.
I have witnessed a lot of people pass the buck when it comes to bad news. The buck stops here! People appreciate the honesty in most cases. And even when they aren't gracious enough to not take it out on the messenger, well at least you're not carrying that burden around any longer. In all cases, it is necessary to deliver the news with a certain level of tact. I fear a misinterpretation on this one.
Five steps to major life lessons in 36 years of life. I'm not perfect by any stretch, and often it is a struggle to remember even simple lessons I've learned in life. For some, I'm doomed to repeat for a long time to come. For others, I have them mastered. We make mistakes to learn, but when the mistakes get made, we also have to be in the right frame of mind to receive it as a lesson, and that may be the most difficult lesson of all.
1. People are selfish. Big deal, you knew that already, right? People want to feel important. People's worlds revolve around themselves. Obvious lesson, right? I think I knew that early on, but maybe not quite to the extent that it realistically is. There are subconscious subtleties to this lesson that I never considered or even fathomed. It starts at one's desire to hear their own name to wanting money, fame, etc. We, even me, want it all. Everything. It's a deeply rooted, base feeling inside us all. It's the human condition and can lead to pretty substantial problems. A surface word for it is greed. But it's more than that. It's a subconscious fear of inferiority. None of us are confident. We hide it through arrogance and vanity. But it's there.
The lesson, I guess, wasn't that people are selfish. As I said, I knew that early on. The real lesson was how to deal with this fact. It was the 36 year long struggle with how to interact with people in a world of selfishness that was the eye opener. So here's the secret,if you haven't figured it out yet in your own journey through this tangled world: Play into it. Very simple. Use people's names. Ask questions from the perspective of what's important to them. Remember details. Stop talking and listen. Do this, and your desire to feel important will be fulfilled, because you'll find that people suddenly want to be around you. You'll become likable. Funny how that works.
As a manager, I've hired many people. More applicants than you might realize speak in terms of what they want. Instant interview killer. Without being too insensitive, here, I just don't care what they want. I'm interviewing people to find qualities in someone that I want. "So, Mr. So-and-so, why do you want to work for our company?"
"Well, I'm ready for a change of pace. I need to make a higher salary. I wanted better hours than my previous job and I just had a baby so I need the benefits...." Blah blah blah. How about speaking in terms of what the employer might want?
"I feel that I might be a good fit for your company because I have experience doing x,y,z. Also I'm really impressed with the operation of your company. (A little ego stroke). I feel that I can add value to your organization because blah blah blah." Speak in terms of what other people want. You will instantaneously become a desirable person to be around and a breath of fresh air to the selfish monotony of other people. Not just in interviews--that was just an example--but in life. Talk less, listen more. And when you do talk, speak in terms of the other person's desires instead of your own.
2. Nothing is free. There is a cost to all things. If a deal seems too good to be true, it probably is, and if there is a truer cliche, I don't know it. We all wish for free things, but there is no substitute for working hard to get it. Working hard for things adds value to the thing you got and builds confidence when you succeed. It's not our fault that we feel like sometimes we should catch a break on something. We are indoctrinated. As kids, most of us lived with parents who provided for us and for a long time, things truly did seem "free." It wasn't. Our parents worked for the "freebies" we enjoyed. We know that now, as adults, but we still don't fully consider it. I see it with my kids, too. We want to provide the very best for them and we do, but there will come a time when we unleash the real world on them and the realization that nothing is free will come to them. Despite this realization, we desperately want the free ride. We want a taste of that innocence again, the worry-free attitude of the hand out. It's a natural feeling but understand that it's gone and it will not come back.
There has been a lot of debate recently about government filling that cavity of emptiness we all have. And it is a tempting notion. But remember, nothing is free. Whatever it is, must be paid for by someone, somewhere.
3. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. We have all done some things we are not proud of. We have all made mistakes and have had to live either with the guilt of not getting caught or the consequences of what we did. We all have embarrassing moments. We all have memories of something that happened to us that still makes us cringe with regret. We have all lied about something at some point, and we all have all of that hanging over our heads at all times and the stress of it has made us into who we are presenting to the public today. Baggage. Emotional baggage. I have a theory about this. In life, we start out with no property, no emotional baggage. As we age, we accumulate a bag, a small one. Eventually that bag turns into a suitcase and later still, that suitcase turns into a forty piece luggage set that you carry with you everywhere. We cannot let go of our past mistakes. We will carry that baggage with us everywhere until our death. That's not my theory, though. My theory is this: If you get married young, the other person will have less emotional baggage for you to have to deal with. The older you get, the more emotional baggage and the less likely you'll be to get past it all. Like going on vacation, it's a lot easier to travel with two bags than it is with three. You see where I'm going here. The theory is only a theory so unbunch those panties! It's simply an idea I've had about people and relationships for a while and there's no way to prove its accuracy. There's WAY too many variables for a controlled experiment to occur. But know this simple lesson. Everyone is dealing with a personal past and it shapes who we are today. It is the reason that someone has trust issues. It is the reason someone adjusts the rear view mirror every time they get behind the wheel and it's the reason someone is doesn't take no for an answer. It is trivial, and it is gigantic. It doesn't matter how small or big, it is the reason we are who we are.
4. Do things you don't want to do. Obviously, I'm not talking about killing someone or anything even remotely harmful or illegal. All I'm saying is to get out of your comfort zone from time to time. I don't know many people that like doing things that they're not already comfortable with. It is awkward, uncomfortable, humiliating, maybe. You cannot do something confidently until you've had practice at it, or at least have done it a couple of times. We don't like feeling unsure. I get it. We don't like that we might look foolish. But really, who cares all that much if you look foolish? Just you, that's who. I made a decision a while back to just charge in and try it. If there's something I haven't done before, I refuse to go in meekly or timidly. I will either surprise myself and do whatever it is well, or I will fail miserably and look like the biggest fool ever. And I have decided to be okay with the latter. I'm already dragging a few tons of emotional baggage around anyway, load me up. I have found, and I guess here's the real lesson behind the scene, is that when I charge into things head on like that, and even when I aggressively fail, my emotional baggage stays the same size. It's a mental preemptive choice, to accept that I might fail, and that if I do, to take it in stride.
5. Be honest, and give bad news. No one I know enjoys having to give bad news. In fact, most people try to dodge it at all costs. It's difficult to do and emotionally painful, but do it anyways. Most people will be surprised by your honesty. Don't mistake what I'm trying to say though. Don't seek out bad news just so you can inflict an emotional breakdown on someone. That is ethically defunct, and mean for no good reason. But if you must give someone bad news, don't avoid it. On top of that, it has been my experience that the sooner the bad news is delivered, the easier it is. In counterpoint, the longer you avoid it, the harder it becomes. Get it out of the way so it's not sitting heavily on your shoulders for any length of time and so that whoever is going to receive the bad news can begin to accept whatever it is and move on from it.
I have witnessed a lot of people pass the buck when it comes to bad news. The buck stops here! People appreciate the honesty in most cases. And even when they aren't gracious enough to not take it out on the messenger, well at least you're not carrying that burden around any longer. In all cases, it is necessary to deliver the news with a certain level of tact. I fear a misinterpretation on this one.
Five steps to major life lessons in 36 years of life. I'm not perfect by any stretch, and often it is a struggle to remember even simple lessons I've learned in life. For some, I'm doomed to repeat for a long time to come. For others, I have them mastered. We make mistakes to learn, but when the mistakes get made, we also have to be in the right frame of mind to receive it as a lesson, and that may be the most difficult lesson of all.
September 6, 2013
Are You A Winner Or A Loser?
Are you a winner or a loser? As I was driving home from the gym this morning, something on the radio got me thinking about this. I really only listen to talk radio, since most of the music stations seem to only get the rights to play the same four songs in a cycle of repetitive monontony (I honestly can't even begin to substantiate this claim, but I've spent a lot of time imagining a back story for how this occurs so in the interest of making myself feel like it was time well spent, I'm going to blindly believe that I somehow correctly guessed how the industry works). Bottom line: I choose to listen to talk radio as an alternative to music radio. It is entertaining, keeps my mind engaged and its different everyday. The reporter was relaying a story about a school somewhere (who cares where, am I right?) that has made the decision to not keep score during their soccer games. We've all probably heard of this scenario at some time or another. They decide not to keep score so that the kids don't get their feelings hurt, they all get trophies, yada, yada. But as I was still coming to terms with the fact that I've become desensitized to this whole line of thought, the story took an additional twist, one for which I was not prepared. Apparently, some of the children couldn't dribble the ball(aha! Are you impressed with my knowledge of soccer terms?? Dribbling in soccer, unlike basketball, simply means handling the ball with your feet to work your way across the field). Well, they couldn't dribble the ball quite as well as some other kids, so they elected to leave the ball out of the game. Are you freaking kidding me? Imagine watching this game of pretend soccer where the kids are running back and forth on the field, no score, no ball, and wait, why am I watching this? This sort of sounds like running around a track, now. Just tell the kids to do some sprints.
Okay, now we're going to play tennis, but sometimes the ball hits the net and that could disappoint someone, so let's remove the net. The tennis racket can get heavy after a while, so let's just pretend we are holding a racket and you don't have to worry your delicate little mind about missing the ball, because guess what?, we are going to just imagine that the ball is there. No need for those pesky out of bounds lines, they can be such a nuisance! I know that some people can get tired of running back and forth faster than other people and that's just not fair, so no running allowed. Alright! Good game! You guys played your hearts out, out there! Good job. Tomorrow, you get a trophy for sitting on the couch and watching TV. Keep up the great work!
This doesn't adequately prepare children for life. In life, producers are rewarded. Laziness is punished. At work, promotions occur because someone is better at something than someone else. People that can produce results get paid more than non-producers, and this makes sense.
"You tried but your results were the opposite of what we were going for, but dammit, you tried. Here's a pay increase for trying." Nope, it would never happen. Can you imagine the shock these kids experience when they grow up, get out into the real world, and never get a trophy for just participating? Everything they learned in school taught them that all they need to do is participate. They've never been subjected to performance pressure and now they are not conditioned to handle it. Freak out. Depression. Confusion.
Here's the truth...Tell as many kids as you can, so they can be prepared for life:
Are you a winner or a loser? Everyone is both. We don't always win. But, on the positive side, we don't always lose. Learn to accept a loss. It teaches you what not to do next time so that maybe, when you are presented with the same situation, you'll make the necessary adjustments to win. We lose to learn. Use it as a learning experience. Everyone's goal in life is to win more than they lose. Produce. Producers are rewarded. Hard work is rewarded with wins. Mediocrity is rewarded with losses. Welcome the loss objectively, even positively, and change the thing that made you lose. We are all trying to beat the other team. Life keeps score. Bosses keep score. Life puts the ball in play and life gives trophies only to the winners. A loss means you need to work hard and practice more. A win means you need to work hard and practice more. Get it? It's the same. There will always be a competitor that worked harder than you, practiced more than you. Acknowledge this fact, it's the natural order of the universe. The goal here is to get good enough to capture a few wins, and then more. Everyone is after the title and no one can stay on top forever. Try to give yourself a few moments up there, because its always brief.
Life makes you play with the soccer ball. Skill level in sports, in everything--in life, is like fingerprints. There is no one that is an identical match. If I were on that scoreless, ball less soccer field, I would still try to be the best damn imaginary soccer player out there, because I want the biggest imaginary trophy ever not given out for not being the team's irrelevant MVP.
Now get out there and produce!
Okay, now we're going to play tennis, but sometimes the ball hits the net and that could disappoint someone, so let's remove the net. The tennis racket can get heavy after a while, so let's just pretend we are holding a racket and you don't have to worry your delicate little mind about missing the ball, because guess what?, we are going to just imagine that the ball is there. No need for those pesky out of bounds lines, they can be such a nuisance! I know that some people can get tired of running back and forth faster than other people and that's just not fair, so no running allowed. Alright! Good game! You guys played your hearts out, out there! Good job. Tomorrow, you get a trophy for sitting on the couch and watching TV. Keep up the great work!
This doesn't adequately prepare children for life. In life, producers are rewarded. Laziness is punished. At work, promotions occur because someone is better at something than someone else. People that can produce results get paid more than non-producers, and this makes sense.
"You tried but your results were the opposite of what we were going for, but dammit, you tried. Here's a pay increase for trying." Nope, it would never happen. Can you imagine the shock these kids experience when they grow up, get out into the real world, and never get a trophy for just participating? Everything they learned in school taught them that all they need to do is participate. They've never been subjected to performance pressure and now they are not conditioned to handle it. Freak out. Depression. Confusion.
Here's the truth...Tell as many kids as you can, so they can be prepared for life:
Are you a winner or a loser? Everyone is both. We don't always win. But, on the positive side, we don't always lose. Learn to accept a loss. It teaches you what not to do next time so that maybe, when you are presented with the same situation, you'll make the necessary adjustments to win. We lose to learn. Use it as a learning experience. Everyone's goal in life is to win more than they lose. Produce. Producers are rewarded. Hard work is rewarded with wins. Mediocrity is rewarded with losses. Welcome the loss objectively, even positively, and change the thing that made you lose. We are all trying to beat the other team. Life keeps score. Bosses keep score. Life puts the ball in play and life gives trophies only to the winners. A loss means you need to work hard and practice more. A win means you need to work hard and practice more. Get it? It's the same. There will always be a competitor that worked harder than you, practiced more than you. Acknowledge this fact, it's the natural order of the universe. The goal here is to get good enough to capture a few wins, and then more. Everyone is after the title and no one can stay on top forever. Try to give yourself a few moments up there, because its always brief.
Life makes you play with the soccer ball. Skill level in sports, in everything--in life, is like fingerprints. There is no one that is an identical match. If I were on that scoreless, ball less soccer field, I would still try to be the best damn imaginary soccer player out there, because I want the biggest imaginary trophy ever not given out for not being the team's irrelevant MVP.
Now get out there and produce!
