Al Daltrey's Blog: View from the Top , page 2

TPE versus 'bedroom' submissive

Today's comments are about living the lifestyle 24/7 (some call it Total Power Exchange or TPE), versus what others call a ‘bedroom’ submissive or a ‘scene’ submission. I have met some amazing couples who live TPE and it works perfectly (for them). The Dominant comes home from work and the submissive serves him or her like a King or Queen. Some live it openly, some privately. They live their daily lives around the clock with a power exchange always there. For me personally, I don’t want that. Never did. I prefer what is often called a ‘bedroom’ submissive. That doesn’t mean that sex is literally restricted to the bedroom...it just means the power exchange happens during sexual play, not 24/7.

Day to day we live like other couples, but when it’s time for sex, I become Dominant, and she becomes submissive. For example, decisions such as where we go for vacation, whether to buy a car or not, which movie to see, etc., are all made jointly. Both opinions equally valid. If we discuss politics, or friends, or anything – our opinions carry the same weight. She is not submissive to me with matters that relate to finances, family, children, careers, etc. She is only submissive to me sexually.

In my case, this has worked best when I, as the dominant, can turn on the power exchange simply by using a certain tone-of-voice. We might be driving the car on a long road trip, and I will suddenly say “put your seat back, put your legs up on the dash and get those fucking panties off.” With nothing more than a tone of voice we instantly transition into play mode. We might be in a restaurant, and I will look over and whisper, “you dirty little slut, I bet you could finger-fuck yourself right here, and no one would notice.” We are immediately in play mode. I might randomly call her from the office and say, “bring yourself to the very brink of orgasm three times in the next hour, but don’t you dare cum.” My tone of voice does it all. Lastly, of course, anything and everything that happens in the bedroom is controlled by the dominant.

A Week in the Life

Recently I was asked, “Do you whip your sub every night?” Before I answer the question, my usual
caveat: all I can tell you about is my experiences.  This is how it works for me, both now and in past D/s relationships.  Here is a typical 'Week in the Life'.

Monday: Errands. Groceries. Finally at 11:10 we get alone-time. But one or both of us have an early morning meeting. On a night like this, there are no whips, floggers or even bondage. There are almost always subtle ‘elements’ of BDSM - but otherwise, it’s quite similar to vanilla sex.  I might pull and twist her nipples while we kiss, standing up.  Basically using some pain and control as foreplay.  But it’s late, and we have sex like any couple would.

Tuesday: Friends drop by unexpectedly. They stay longer than they should, leaving after midnight. We both work in the a.m., so sex might be something as simple as mutual masturbation.  Quick and easy. Fun. After all, as you know, it’s easier to fall asleep satisfied.

Wed: The Air Conditioner (or whatever) breaks. Repair guy is over. Finally he leaves, but someone needs to be picked up at the subway in 20 minutes. We have just enough time to squeeze in a quick fast fuck.

Friday: My sub is out with her girlfriends, for a girl's night out. I might surf some porn.  In the morning, she might take a bath, and rub out a quickie while she reads in the tub. 

Sunday: Finally - two hours alone. Two whole hours!  This might be the one night where I can tie her up, pour hot wax on her tits, use some new toy we bought, use a flogger on her tits, etc. etc.

The point is this - the average or typical BDSM couple probably:
1. Have sex more often than vanilla couples. (BDSMers love sex).
2. Are not doing hardcore domination nightly (just not realistic).
3. Typically, BDSM people love variety.
4. There are often soft elements of BDSM, but great sex can be quite vanilla too!
5. If we have one pure dedicated BDSM session per week, that’s about right.

So, back to the original question:  Do I whip my sub every night?  Ahhhh, that would be no!

"Do you wield a whip?"

I was asked a common question recently which was, “Do you wield a whip?” My answer was, “yes and no.” Let me elaborate. First, I should say – I have never, and would never strike a sub with a bullwhip. That is dangerous stuff, besides the fact that I’m a Dom, not a sadist. Bullwhips are great for ‘show’. It’s cool to curl up a bullwhip and make a sub kiss the whip, to signify her surrender. Now, I’m not saying more experienced Dominants don’t use bullwhips. I think there are some that do. I’m just saying, I personally don’t have the skill to use one and would never risk it.

Here’s what I do use: Let’s start with spankings, since that’s a great way for those new to the lifestyle to start. Yup, I use my hand. Spankings are great. A Dom/me could deliver quite the serious spanking with nothing more than his/her hand. The pain on my own palm lets me gauge how painful it must be for the sub. And trust me, sometimes my hand is stinging! Next is a paddle. Even a ping pong paddle works well. They are nice and broad, so very safe. Recently I used a beautiful olive wood paddle (it was designed as a cutting board). Wood paddles hurt like hell, as there is no give or flex to the wood. A hairbrush is, in effect a small paddle. Let’s move on to belts. Belts are awesome too. Keep in mind the width of the belt: the wider the safer. I strike harder with a wide belt, and softer with a narrow belt. Also, a leather belt makes a great sound when it lands, which adds to the drama of the scene. Floggers are very cool and easy to use. Deer skin floggers are the softest, and perfect for the breasts. The pain builds nicely, and this works well as far as getting a sub into subspace (strike rhythmically, not sporadically). After that, you start getting into the more dangerous stuff, which is not my thing. Single tail whips or even riding crops can be very nasty. As a responsible Dom, you should always try it on yourself first. You can strike your inner calf. If it’s too painful for you, it’s too painful for her!

There’s an expression: ‘the business end of the belt’. That’s way past my limits. I’d never do that. I have also never truly used a cane, except for ‘theatre’. A cane is ideal to gently poke at the nipples, or to slide along the folds of her pussy…but I have never used a cane to strike with any real degree of force. It’s very easy to break the skin with a cane. Back to the original question: have a wielded a whip? If you consider a flogger or a belt a whip then yes; but if you mean a real whip – like a bullwhip, then no – never did and never will.

Being Released

I think it’s fair to say women with a submissive side tend to be highly loyal. Consider what a sub does – she gives up control to her Dom. Seriously, think about that for a minute. There is a real sacrifice on the part of the sub, and this creates a special bond that cannot be taken lightly.

Therefore, it only makes sense; it’s not easy when that bond is broken. Let’s say that at some point in a relationship, a Dom decides that a particular sub is not the right girl for him. He releases her - the equivalent to a break-up. However, because of the very nature of submission, the heartache is even MORE INTENSE than with vanilla relationships.

Here she was, giving up all control willingly – and even after such a sacrifice, she gets dumped.
By the same token, if the Dom wasn’t truly feeling it, you can’t blame him. One week a Dom is taking a belt to a sub’s ass, and the next week he has to explain “this is not really going to work.” Often, there’s a feeling of betrayal on the part of the sub, and feeling of guilt on the part of the Dom.

Break-ups suck. Being released, or asking for release is never easy.

Tricks of the Trade

The good news is – society has come a long way, as far acceptance of BDSM. The bad news is – there’s still a long way to go. Twenty years ago things were even more conservative than they are today. In my 20s, I had to be careful about divulging my interest in BDSM. Some people confused it with abuse. Therefore I had to find clever sneaky ways to determine if a girl had a submissive side. This way, if she didn’t, she wouldn’t freak out and start a bunch of ignorant rumors about me.

Some people are lucky enough to be ‘open’ about living the lifestyle. Others of us must be discreet, particularly if you need to do so for the sake of your career. Personally, I believe each couple must determine if they want to be open or private about their lifestyle choice.

Okay so this commentary explores a trick for single male Doms to determine if a girl has a submissive side.  And then, a trick for single women to see if a guy has a Dominant side. (This first trick was told to me by a very experienced sub, when I was a Dom in my early 20s, and I used it for years.)

For the guys: when you are having sex with a girl…take a hold of her wrists (not her hands, but her wrists) and bring them up above her head.  Pin them there…very high over her head.  Stretch her arms. It’s that simple. The reaction will be very polarizing.  She will clearly react in one of two ways.  Either, she will look at you with a strange look, as if to say “WTF?”  Or, she will moan, push her breasts up toward you as if to say “take me, I’m yours”.  The difference will black or white.  She will either totally encourage you, or be utterly confused.  If she responds positively the green light is open to explore BDSM. If she looks at you strange, just casually release her wrists, and pretend nothing happened. She’ll forget about it by the time she cums. And you did nothing significant enough to incriminate yourself.

For the girls: (This trick was also told to me by a female sub). What she does is this: early on, when she’s on a date…she intentionally forgets her cell in the house, and just as they are leaving the driveway, she says 'stop'.  Of course, she has to go back in the house to get her phone. Once she returns to the car she says “sorry about that, you can give me a spanking later.”  She says it very playfully, as if joking around.  Now – if the guy is Dom, trust me…he will NOT FORGET her comment. Later, when he drops her off (even if it's many hours later) – he will reference the spanking.  If he has no Dom blood, he won’t remember her earlier comment.  I've been told this trick truly works.  If the guy mentions the spanking at the end of the night, he is Dom.  If not, no luck.