K. Alex Walker's Blog, page 20

An old story I found, written when I was just a wee thing.

Okay, so I was like 21/22 when I wrote it. Not wee, but it was the first time I let someone outside of family read my books. (I actually wrote it for a friend as “therapy” for something very similar he was going through).

I think I called this story, The One. It’s about a firefighter named Joshua who grew up having a wishy-washy relationship with his father. It’s not until he’s 19 that he finds out why his father never really tried to build a relationship with him—his father is a married man with children…and his wife doesn’t know Joshua exists.

(Although the friend is doing well now, I’m sorry he ever had to go through anything like this.)

I might rewrite and publish it one day.

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“Josh, I’m tired.”

“I know,” I responded with a laugh. “Let’s go home.”

Ian dragged his feet behind me, tired, and was out cold five minutes into the car ride home. My phone vibrated wildly in my console and I picked it up to hear Cherise’s voice.

“Josh, we need to talk,” she said as if I hadn’t been trying to get in contact with her all day.

My response was dripping with sarcasm. “Really.”

“Can you come by later?”

“Of course. I have Ian for the day—”

“You can’t bring him.”

I released an exasperated sigh. “He’s my son. What am I supposed to do with him?”

“Find somewhere for him to go,” she argued. “You already know I don’t want him in my house. I don’t want to have to see him, hear him, or know he exists. I told you this the day he was born.”

“What do you want to talk about?” I redirected.

“You saying that you’re going to file a motion of contempt if I don’t let you see Ethan.”

“I am.” I’d threatened contempt in the past with no intention of going through with it, but times had changed. “We went to court, we agreed on time-sharing, and you’re not following that order.”

“But contempt? Do you know they could put me in jail for that?”

“Yes, I do.” I casually ignored the gasp that came through the phone. “I think you’re getting this mixed up. Everything and anything I do is for my son and if it means sending you to jail so he can live with me, I’ll do it.”

“You’ve…changed…so much.” There as a hint of hurt behind her voice.

“People change,” I said. “But this isn’t about us. It hasn’t been about us for a while. It’s about Ethan and I need to see him, Cherise. He’s my son. We need to talk. I know we do. But, you’re going to have to accept the fact that Ian is going to be with me.”

There was a brief pause and then a rushed, “Whatever,” before the line went dead.

I looked at Ian sleeping in the backseat, his head bobbing from left to right as his lips smacked, and hoped that I would have this issue with Cherise figured out before my date with Leecy. The last thing I needed in my life was unnecessary drama interfering with the new, interesting beauty that had entered my life.

The corner of my mouth turned up a little.

– – – –

Cherise swung the door open almost to the point of tearing the entire thing from its hinges. Her perfectly arched brows–which I’d learned later in our relationship had been expertly tattooed on–were creased, forming a divot the size of the Erie Canal on her face. She looked at me first and then at Ian, back to me and then back at Ian. Seconds later, she shook her head in what looked like resignation and retreated to the sofa without saying a word. Ian looked up at me, an unspoken question in his expression as we both entered the apartment.

It was the same apartment we’d shared years ago, but she’d made a few changes. The walls were now painted grey with white trim except for the dark wine color behind the dining room table. She’d gotten a black leather sofa set and her newest addition was a giant screen television that overlooked the living room.

She crossed her legs while Ian and I eased into the loveseat across from her.

“Where’s Ethan?” I asked, looking around.

Her gaze was still trained on Ethan. “He’s in his room doing homework.”

“Can Ian go see his brother because—”

“Because the last time I saw him was when we went to Sea World,” Ian interrupted. “I was kinda’ scared to go at first because my mom said one of the whales killed that lady, but Ethan told me they couldn’t get to us because we were too far away for them to jump on us.”

Cherise didn’t even crack a smile.

“Go ahead,” I told him, challenging her with my eyes. She didn’t object.

He cautiously made his way to his brother’s room.

“It’s the second door,” I yelled after him and when he opened it, I heard him yell Ethan’s name in excitement.

Ethan came running from his room and over to me.

“Daddy, I didn’t know you were here.” He squeezed me in a tight hug. “I haven’t seen you in a long time. Mommy said you had to stay at the fire station doing overtime work all week. Is it over?”

I glanced at Cherise. She guiltily turned her head to look out the window.

“Yes, it’s over,” I told him.

He cheered.

“Come on, Ian, I have a new game to show you.” He made his way back to his room. Cherise called out, “Homework first,” before they disappeared down the hall.

Eager to hear her explanation about why she’d been keeping my son away from me, I relaxed my hands on my thighs and waited for her to speak for about a minute, but she continued to stare out of the window.

“You wanted to talk, Cherise,” I said, keeping my voice calm and even. I knew that if I approached the subject with caution, the conversation might be able to get somewhere.

She remained silent and I urged no further. We both sat there for a few minutes before her eyes fell to her fingers and she began flicking at her fingernails.

“I’ve been dating and stuff since we split up,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “I’ve been going out with a guy that I’m really starting to like. I didn’t tell him about Ethan right off the bat, which I should have. I waited until our third date to tell him. After I told him I had a son, he said he didn’t mind, but it made me realize something. If we hit it off, there’s a possibility he could want to get married.”

“Isn’t that what you want?” I asked, confused.

“Yes and no. With the way that I grew up, without my father, you know I always wanted a family. If I were to try that with him, my children would have two different fathers.”

I was still confused. “And, what’s wrong with that?”

“That’s not what I want!” Her voice rose sharply, but then she took deep breaths to regain her composure. “I always imagined all my children would have the same father.”

“And I always imagined I would be married before I ever decided to have children,” I shot back. “Life doesn’t always work out the way we want it to.”

We paused.

“Why are you telling me this, by the way?” I asked.

“Because,” she took another deep breath, “I want you to consider trying to be a family for Ethan’s sake.”

I had to physically stop my mouth from falling open. Four years ago, I tried everything in my power for us to work. I did everything and anything she asked, but Cherise had been positive she would never be able to forgive me for what I’d done. I didn’t protest because I was the one who’d messed up, but why was she asking now? So much time had passed since we were together I never even thought it was a possibility anymore.

I’d thought about asking her to take me back on multiple occasions; the urge hit me most whenever we both spent time, together, with Ethan. I knew he deserved more than what he was getting, but she’d made up her mind. She wanted to move on and take her chances on being a single mother and over the years, I’d also grown to accept living apart from Ethan for half the time, but still being an active part of his life.

“Why now?” I asked, leaning forward. “Like I said, sometimes things don’t always work out in the ways we want them to. If this guy likes you and wants to be with you, what’s wrong with that?”

She snapped her fingers next to her ear. “Didn’t you hear what I just said? I don’t want my kids to have different fathers. I think, above all else, Ethan deserves to have both his parents in the household.”

“I agree it would help. But, would you still be unable to accept Ian?”

She immediately shook her head. “I’m sorry, I just can’t accept him.”

“Then, it will never happen.”

She stood with her fists clenched at her sides. “You’re just using him as an excuse. What difference would it make if I accepted him or not?”

I stood with her, towering over her medium-sized five-foot-six frame. “Because my father had an entire other family,” I explained. “His wife didn’t even know I existed until I was nineteen years old. She couldn’t accept the fact that he’d kept me a secret all those years but, unwilling to give up on thirty-nine years of marriage, she didn’t leave him. All she told him was that I was never allowed at the house or around her children, and he listened to her. My son is not going through that same kind of hell.”

She returned to the loveseat, but I remained standing.

“That’s just one reason,” I went on. “The other one is, as much as I would love for Ethan to have a family like the one I wish I had growing up, it’s not practical for him. You and I don’t love each other anymore. We haven’t even taken a chance on a relationship in over four years and he’s still a wonderful, well-adjusted little kid. As much as we’d love to live a fairy tale, it’s just that…a fairy tale.”

She folded her arms and returned her gaze to the window.

“Give the guy a chance,” I urged. “He likes you and wants to be with you in spite of you neglecting to tell him you had a child the very first time around.”

She said nothing else. I stared at her, but she refused to meet my eyes. I could see the glimmer of tears in their corners and it tugged on my heart a little, but I didn’t budge on my decision.

I called Ian so that I could take him home and gave Ethan a tight squeeze, promising him I wasn’t going to be gone so long again. Cherise watched our interaction and hung her head a little, still without words.

“Bye, Ms. Cherise,” Ian called as we headed out the door.

She made eye contact with him and forced a smile. I hoped this naivete was strong enough to write her expression off as genuine. When he smiled back, I knew it had.

Christmas In July

For those of you who have been readers and fans from day one, this story will be familiar to you. If you started later, then maybe you’ve never met Morgan and Noah.

And Then Came You was originally published as A Very Special Christmas in 2014. It has now, officially, been re-released for those who would like to enjoy a cool, cute Christmas short while we bake in these summer months, or for those of you who would like to revisit Morgan and Noah.

Let’s set the stage for Gio and Mo.

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The Dark Knight – Playlist

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Hi Loves!

I have admittedly been wanting to do this for a while, but I can’t always find all the songs I like on Spotify. So I made a universal list filled with the songs that made me cry, made me happy, and made me feel like kicking ass while I was writing. I left my obsession with Elton John off…this time.

MUAHAHA.

 

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Virtual Movie Night

Hi loves!

I’m just writing to let you know that this Friday, July 19th, I’ll be hosting a virtual movie night in my Facebook group, Love and Lit. I’m trying a new Netflix watching…process??? (can’t find the word) where we should all be able to view a movie together.

Unfortunately, it’s link-based, so you have to watch via PC or Mac. However, many laptops have an HDMI connection. What I’ll be doing is moving my HDMI cord from my monitor to my TV for the night et voila! Real movie night.

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The movie I picked for this trial is called, The Holiday Calendar. It looks cute and simple, and there shouldn’t be too much disappointment if Netflix Party can’t pull off this virtual movie soiree.

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As you can see, there is a link where it says “Love and Lit” above. If you want to join us, request to be added to the group and you’ll see the event info.

I really hope this works out well!

xoxo,

Alex

Note: This is a Friday, and I’m assuming most of you have more of a life than I do. You’re not required to join us if you want to watch something else, or if you have something else to do.

Blog Post: # I’m actually not keeping count

Hi loves,

Dreams are as weird as they are beautiful.

In high school, my psychology teacher told me that if I wanted to remember more of my dreams each night, keep a dream journal next to my bed and write them down once I wake up. But, because it’s 2019, I do this in the Notes or OneNote app on my phone.

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I don’t record them all. I have a track record of not being very good with routines. Or remembering. Or remembering routines (a bit of a paradox. I hear it now).

But everyone once in a while, one stands out. Reason being, there’s an ex somewhere in it.

I don’t have many exes, which should come as no surprise. I bought peel and stick tile for a backsplash because actual tile was too heavy a commitment.

Technically, I have 2. The third is “technically” not an ex, but that’s my fault. We still had a lot of good times, we loved each other, amazing smex…so I count him. Hopefully, none of their wives are reading this now but, oh well. It’s not like there’s been smex during their marriages. I see no point in sharing men when, statistically speaking, there are at least 6 more guys in the world who look like Chris Hemsworth, and at least 1 more as sweet as Tom Hiddleston (#futurebae because I adore his face and kindness).

…lost my train of thought…

Oh, the dream.

So, in this dream, I’m “in town.” I don’t know where this is and I don’t know what I’m in town for, but I’m there because my ex invited me to stay at his place. Also there is a friend of his and this friend’s sister. In my dream, she had a name (with a hyphen) but I can’t recall it now.

Throughout the dream, and my going back and forth to this mysterious event, I get the sense that my ex has feelings for this girl. And it’s not because he always wants to go with her, wherever she’s going, every time she leaves the house. It’s just a feeling he’s trying to tap into feelings he’s had for her ever since they were young.

This makes me hella uncomfortable because, in my dream, he IS married. And I immediately start to pack to leave because I feel myself wanting to interfere.

So, while him, his friend, and the friend’s sister are out, I try to pack quickly so I’m not there when they get back. Unfortunately, it’s not quick enough and while I’m still packing, he comes through the door.

I tell myself, “Don’t say anything. Don’t interfere.” And I’m almost successful until, in the middle of walking through the door, I turn back, grab his attention, and say, “No.”

And it’s a firm, “No.”

He nods.

I say, “No,” again and in that no, he understands that I know he still has feelings for the friend’s sister, but that I’m reminding him he’s married and is in a good marriage so don’t fcuk this up.

After that, I leave. But because I’ve already released the cock-blocking demon, I find the girl. I refer to her by all three names. I tell her my theory about his feelings. Then, she starts shaking her head. She starts to scream. I get the sense she has/had feelings for him too, never acted on them, and now realizes he’s married.

Now, this is the part of the dream that is the most accurate representation of my personality.

As she’s screaming, I slowly walk backwards, away from her, toward the woods. And I keep walking, innately knowing there’ll eventually be stairs on the other side where I’ll be able to take a train to get home.

I get there. The train comes. But, because I’m standing in an area on the platform where there is no access to the train’s door when it stops, I can’t get on.

And I wake up.

I hope I have entertained you on this episode of Alex’s TMI Chronicles.

xoxo,

 

Alex

Let Me Explain That Password Post

Hi loves!

I know you’re probably wondering, “What’s up with that last ‘Password Protected’ post???”

Well, it’s July and it’s time for a Gift-Away! However, I do the majority of my giveaways via my email list to ensure only those who are interested get bugged join. So, if you are interested in this month’s giveaway—a signed copy of Angels and Assassins 1, 2, and 3—look no further. Well, a little bit further…down below.

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I’ve also got some awesome collaborations coming down the pipe (as well as my next exciting release after The Dark Knight) so if you like more than books—beauty products, gift cards, freebie boxes, and more…come on down like it’s the Price is Right.

Thanks for the heads up, Golda!

Protected: The Dark Knight – Playlist

This post is password protected. You must visit the website and enter the password to continue reading.

An Entrepreneur and her Comfort Zone Walk into a Bar

“You cannot thrive in the same environment that hurt you.”

For a significant portion of my life, I thought there was something wrong with me. I have anxiety; that’s not a secret. So, sometimes, it makes sitting still a little bit of a challenge. My brain needs a high level of stimulation, at times, in order for me to be “satisfied.” Translate this to a structured working environment, and you get issues.

I had never really challenged myself, simply resigning myself to the idea of, “You would never be successful at that anyway.” But what I’ve learned is that most of us are no strangers to self doubt, even the most successful of us. It’s the price of being human.

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I have never been a good “worker.” I’ve never been comfortable in an environment that I couldn’t structure, myself. As an employee, I often got fidgety, under-stimulated, bored out of my mind. This often translated to high levels of anxiety, depression, and discontent which affected my work performance. Last July, I made the leap into taking this writing thing full time. Into establishing an LLC and diving headfirst into full-time entrepreneurship.

And it really is damn difficult.

Comfort is something we often strive for. Our comfort zone is often the tightest of the concentric circles that make up our personal environment. Mine is lined with barbed wire, an electric fence, and lizards (because I’m terrified of them). Therefore, there are many days where this venture feels heavy, feels like a mistake. Like walking blindfolded through a maze with no true exit.

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I love it, mistake or not, because I don’t walk around in a fog. I don’t have new health issues plaguing me every month. And, the number one reason? I do not spend time crying in the bathroom.

There are some things that are not quite perks. Right now, it’s the lack of a steady paycheck. The fear that one day, everything might crash. Also, because of your irregular income, you have to make some sacrifices. One of my biggest, for a multitude of reasons, has been moving back home.

There’s that saying: “Trust the process.” Sometimes, however, that process is difficult. I want things that I can’t have or handle while living here—a life, a guy in my life. I spend nearly every night on Zillow looking at the cutest little homes and wondering if, at any point, I will be able to have one of my own (since rent is ridic in Tampa). If all this “working with housing agencies” is for moot. If I’ll get that dog, finally, after twenty-five years of wanting one. If I’ll ever stop running from men, from relationships. Find a reason to stop running.

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I said all this to say, you are not alone in your struggle. Yes, society has this focus on filters and contrived happiness. Snapshots of perfection. But, what I’ve learned is, behind it all, many of us are scared. We doubt ourselves. Our confidence wavers. In short, we are human yet oftentimes forget to be. Even worse, we vilify those who have the nerve to be.

I’ll keep fighting the good fight if you promise to do the same. Just don’t ever feel like, when things feel a little bleak, you’re alone in this. We are all together, you-me-he-she-they-them. Regardless of filter.

The Woman He Wanted

She was the woman he wanted.

This wasn’t something Kellen Edwards believed; it was what he knew. It was what he felt the first moment he laid eyes on Bailey Green. It was like they’d known each other in a previous life and their souls had sought each other out, hers moving to Atlanta from Barbados at a young age, and his moving back to Atlanta after a hiatus in Baltimore and Louisiana. But despite knowing that this woman is his, fate won’t make their union an easy one.

His family life begins to unravel as tensions rise between him and his brother, and a dark secret shadowing Bailey’s life tries to interfere with their “happily ever after.”

It’s not until a trip back to Barbados, back to the house where she grew up and where a mysterious man still walks the halls at night, do they begin to unravel the mystery that will either make their relationship last, or destroy it altogether.

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Hi Loves!

I’m going to resurrect Kellen and Bailey because this is one of my favorite written books to date. I’m Caribbean so I love ghosts and folklore. I could literally hear my grandmother’s voice in my ear in some of these sections. My parents still tell childhood stories. Do you have any family stories that you grew up on?

I have another one of these planned in my future, God-willing.

xoxo,

Alex

 

Quick Note

The Angels and Assassins series is published in partnership with Jessica Watkins Presents. Because of this, JWP sets the release date; that decision is not left up to me in this regard.