Kristen Nannini's Blog, page 2

"Do One Thing That Scares You Every Day"

"Do One Thing That Scares You Every Day"

I saw this quote today randomly during my quest to find a new job. I stopped and stared at it. I realized how much I've changed lately given a little quiet time and a lot less stress. It's amazing what that will do for a person. Now don't get me wrong, I really do need a day job and I am taking the search seriously. I can see you shaking your head. Why the heck would someone be blogging when she should be out on every website possible making connections, taking the same "Prove It!" Test for another agency, pounding the literal and figurative pavement until something comes her way? 
I can say for certain that I've been doing my best. This is a lousy time of year to find a job, but I've been assured that January will be the answer I've been waiting for so we shall see what happens. In the meantime, I'm going back to that quote because there is only one thing that truly scares me, which is opening up on my blog and sharing my own story. Putting myself out here is terrifying and so much worse than putting my fiction stories on a page. You probably think that's crazy because I love to write, but it's so hard to be vulnerable  Because sometimes, life is terrifyingly undeniably messy.  It's so, so much easier to hide behind the thing that makes you vulnerable. To show concern and compassion for others, while inside you're a mess too. To help people through hard times even though you've been there too, yet you're too afraid to admit it. I've gotten emails from readers telling me that I understood what it was like to be an assault survivor and encapsulated that so well into this character i'd created. Of course I did. Because the truth is, I am an assault survivor too. 
I was a college student. It happened once, in the dead of night. I couldn't move as I was in shock. It was terrifying and life changing and the worst part was, he was like a brother to me. 
I felt alienated and alone. The whole thing ripped a hole through my family. The only person who truly stood up for me from the beginning was my boyfriend (who became my husband much later). His family, in their own way, treated me better than my own. I felt like I was in the middle of a really bad lifetime movie but I was living it. 
I was in the middle of this new reality where everyone took pity on the guy i'd accused. The cops couldn't get anything out of him. I was a mess. A total, total mess. At the end of the mess, six months later, I was given a polygraph test. I had to prove to people that were supposed to love me unconditionally that I was telling the truth. It still disgusts me that I was forced into taking this test but I did, not for me or for the people who were asking me to do it, but for a child who would one day ask questions about their father. I didn't want that child to wonder. Had it not been for that child, there is no way I would have subjected myself to the scrutiny or answering the very personal questions asked by a skeptical stranger. 
I remember when the results were read. It felt like the whole world had finally come back into orbit. I wanted to laugh but also to cry. The truth was out there. In the open. I was finally free. 
The weird truth was, I had not only found my freedom but had found God in the process. See, people often ask about how you found God or how you know that he is real. I usually just give a half-baked answer like I never questioned it. That I always just "knew". That's only half-true. I knew God from the time I was a little girl but as a teen, he became latent, like this mystical guy hanging around in the background of my life, hindering in the shadows, just waiting for me to call on Him. I didn't pray often. I never went to church. I knew he was out there. That was something I never really questioned, but I figured I was doing fine on my own. It took me being unable to move, literally in shock of what was happening for me to pray. It wasn't my first resort. I tried to stop it physically, but my body had literally shut down. I literally couldn't move. I could only focus on noise around me. Anything not to be in my own body actually feeling what was happening. I was completely numb and terrified. There was absolutely nothing I could do. With tears welling up on my throat and without the capacity to move an inch, I prayed. I prayed hard. And in the exact moment, at the exact instant I prayed for God to make it to stop, it did. It was over. Instantaneously. Like a lightning bolt. I don't even know the word, but it was faster than an instant. Like the exact nano-second, I prayed for it to stop, it did. I still couldn't move physically but something inside of me did. God had been there the whole time and was with me even then in my absolute darkest moment. 
From that moment on, I knew I had to make a mark on the world. I had to find a way to tell victims that it wasn't their fault. I'd read some fiction books targeted at teens that dealt with rape. Usually, the main characters were weak and broken but I wanted to know what more there was to their story. Sure, at the end they usually stood up for themselves despite all the odds, but I felt like their story defined them. The assault took the center stage. I wanted to know what happened after that. Could they find love? Could they still be strong, despite everything? So, I invented a character and built her a story. I never dyed my hair or painted my room black like my main character and her story has nothing to do with my own, but, the emotions are not only hers, they were mine, which is why I think people relate to it and that is a really cool feeling. I heard all those stories of victim-blaming and decided that teens needed a book to know it wasn't their fault. In most of the stories I read, it was implied. No one actually came out and told the teen that it wasn't their fault, so I made sure that in my book, someone said those exact words.  
So, in a weird way, had it not been for my assault, I probably would not have found God in such a powerful way. And I wouldn't have found a reason to write No Man Sam or be at work on my next novel and I probably wouldn't have become a writer at all. It is not our scars that define us. It is what we choose to do with those scars to help others that does. 
I was afraid for a very long time that by telling my story that people would look at me with pity. I don't want to be pitied and if you do pity me, there is a very good chance that I won't want to hang out with you. That's not to be spiteful, I just don't want or need your pity. I am strong. I have a great life. I'm happy and excited and so thankful for whatever the future holds. 
I have an amazing husband and have learned to forgive and be stronger as a result of my past. I am unashamed. The reality is, everyone has a story and skeletons in their own closets. Behind the mask we all try to wear is something we wish we could change or something we regret. I challenge you to take some minutes of today to figure out what has happened to your scars. If you're too afraid to let them show right now, it's cool. I get that. But consider this: we are all connected. We all experience pain and joy and sadness and sometimes when you share your scars and show them to the world, that can make others feel a little less alone. This world is made for love and compassion. Your scars are there, regardless, so let them be a source of pride instead of shame. Let your scars be a light to the world instead of something you try to hide away! 
This was the thing that scared me the most, but now it is done. I am not ashamed of my past. I am so thankful that I had the chance to tell my story. Thank you for reading my story and I encourage you to share you to share yours. In your own way, on your own time. It's scary as hell, but remember, no one can tell your own story but you.  
2015 will soon be over. My goal for the next year is to live with fearless ambition. Thank you for being a part of my story and I hope this blog will inspire you to share your story with someone you trust...you don't have share your scars with the world and post it on a blog like me...only a crazy person would do that! :-)  
I wish you a happy and healthy 2016! May this be your very best year yet!!  

Lessons Learned and Re-Learned

Over these last few weeks, I've found myself unexpectedly unemployed for the first time in many years and, although I've been interviewing and testing and all those good things, nothing has stuck as of yet. It is no surprise that no one is actively hiring during the last two weeks of the year. It is somewhat stressful, but I've got a wonderful, supportive husband and I'm just working to get something flexible enough to allow me to get back to school at night, with enough free time for writing and family. As we're near the start of a brand new year, it's a great time to reflect. In reflecting on what lead me to recently leave a shiny brand new job, I've learned and re-learned a few life lessons I'd like to share.

1. No one, no matter what title, status, or social standing they have deserves to be treated like garbage. Bullying is something that should never happen to our kids, to our co-workers, or to our friends. Until just recently, I never knew what being bullied actually felt like. I was ignorant. I figured it was something that could be shrugged off or ignored, but when it's tolerated and allowed in a school or work setting, no amount of shrugging it off will work. Bullies can be relentless, so if you see it happening, say something. Lauging along with a bully makes the person being bullied feel even more alienated. Bullies should not be tolerated. Find your voice and say something.

2. Find what you love and love what you do. I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and that we're all on our own journey when it comes to finding and living out our passions. When working with others, find something good about your work, each day. Asking at the end of each work day these four questions will give you a guage to know if you're working effectively, to inact change, and to be an effective leader (even if you're not in a leadership capacity): Have I learned something? Have I taught something? Have I complimented someone? Have I fixed something? I believe if you truly care about what you do, you'll be able to answer each of these questions almost every day with a YES.

3. Stand up for something...Even if you feel like you're standing alone and naked in a blizzard. Don't sacrifice your morals or your values for anything, but also don't be afraid to let in new ideas and hear challenging viewpoints.

4. Embrace Change. It is inevitable, so embracing it becomes exciting, regardess of whether you're clutching it with your teeth gritted and your eyes closed. :)

5. Never, ever, ever underestimate the power of love and friendship. There is immeasurable power in loving others and being loved.

6. Death is a guarantee. We're all going to die someday, hopefully very far in the future. But, knowing we're going to die should mean we're living for something. If you're not sure what you're living for, reevaluate your priorities right now. Know makes you happy and if you're not doing it, decide why not and what you need to do to get to whatever happy looks like for you. Don't wait for tomorrow as it is not guaranteed.

7. Give to others. There is always a need. Do whatever you can do to help those in need or less fortunate. Make a tiny mark whenever possible. This will perpetuate one of the most powerful things in the world: hope.

8. Words are powerful. They can become weapons or inspire peace. Your words are meaningful and should be chosen very wisely. Think before you speak or before you hit that send button. Some things are better left unsaid, and some things need to be said before it's too late.

9. "Just because something shines doesn't mean that it's gold." Someone recenly said this to me when I was explaining what a great opportunity I had been given that I wasn't able take advantage of. I mulled this comment over for a few minutes and smiled, realizing this person was absolutely right.

10. Starting over takes courage and gumption. It's easy to become complacent and sit in an environent you hate because it's scary to step foot into the unknown. Sometimes you will stumble and fall and have regrets and anxiety. Sometimes nothing will come easy and everything will feel like pulling teeth. However, if nothing else, starting over will cause you to step out of your comfort zone and find a little more about yourself and your true character. And walking through that kind of experience, is invaluable.

I wish you a happy and peaceful 2016. May the best year yet be upon you!

Kindness: The Insurmountable Power You Possess

I wonder how many people clicked this link thinking the title of this blog is an oxymoron. Kindness is easily confused as weakness. The truth it, it’s just the opposite. When someone is evil to you, it’s so easy to repay anger with anger or dissention with dissention. A true test of character, strength, and power is to show kindness to those who betray, hurt or ignore you.

The amazing thing is, no matter who we are, where we live, whether we’re rich or poor, we have the power to be kind to others, regardless of who they are. Smiles and grace are free and don’t need to be returned to make a difference in someone’s life. We never know what impact a small act can have on someone’s life, even if we never see that person again.

I’ve been really fortunate to have been treated with kindness by people in my life. I choose not to focus on those who have been unkind or who have violated me. I can definitely say that I am who I am because of the people who treated me with kindness. Sometimes kind words can mean everything. I sat on a novel I wrote for a long time because I didn’t think anyone would read it or would have anything nice to say about it. It was because of the kindness of others that I dared to put it out there. Every time I get an email or message from someone who has read it, or see a new positive review, I think of those people who showed me the kindness to encourage me to keep at it. Their encouragement cost nothing, but meant absolutely everything to me.

Kindness also has a tendency for perpetuating itself. My husband and I have been sponsoring a child in Haiti for several years now. He’s eight now, but I still remember his fifth birthday. We had the option to give him a bit extra for a birthday gift. I was thinking the organization would purchase a soccer ball or something he could play with. A few weeks later, a letter came. It explained that four of his family members had passed away, but that he had had a good birthday and that the funds I had sent had been spent on a hen. They were so appreciative of the gift, but it really put the value of our sponsorship into perspective for me. In that moment, I realized child sponsorship is one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. This year, we’ve begun sponsoring a little girl from Haiti as well. I can say with certainty that I’ve gotten more out of sponsoring these children than the monetary amount we give to them. I received a letter recently saying the family of one of our sponsored children is praying for us. A prayer costs them nothing, but has immeasurable power. I’m so humbled by the fact that these people who don’t even know us are willing to pray for us that I am beyond words.
It is easier to stay within your comfort zone. It’s safe living in our own little worlds. Why step out? Why do something for someone else without expecting something in return? Why make the world a better place by showing someone a little grace, or a little love. I think the better questions are: Why not step out? Why not do something for someone else without expecting something in return? Don’t we need a kinder, better world? Why not show more love and grace? There is so much hurt and anger and violence in this world, but kindness is free. It can truly change the world and perpetuate goodness. Mark Twain said, “Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see,” and it’s absolutely true. By showing love and compassion for others, especially those who chastise or hurt us, it shows the power we truly hold. Loving your enemies does not make you weak. It gives you strength. It makes you a fighter and shows your enemies that you will not give in to their anger or hate. You will not sink to their level. You will rise above and be kind, not because you are weak, but because you can see past their anger or their past transgressions and be a bigger person.

This week, I challenge you to step out and step up. Be kind to someone who has wronged you. Maybe your grace and compassion will change their lives, but if not, it may very well change yours. Use your inner strength, that insurmountable power that you hold. You have the power and the strength to be kind. Don’t let it go to waste. Let your light shine brightly and share the gift of kindness with everyone around you!

Stand Up!

It's not a coincidence that the most inspiring, amazing people I know have been through the unimaginable. Rapes, drug addictions, depression, and much more have plagued these people's pasts and sometimes creep back into their lives like evil shadows when they least expect them to.

As much as we try to combat them, sometimes the shadows seem to win. Sometimes no matter how far you've gone, or much you've healed or how long it's been since you last spoke to someone, something will trigger that feeling and tempt you to mentally, emotionally, or physically go back into that dark place where you never wanted to, or intended to go again.

My favorite Japanese proverb is this: fall down seven times, stand up eight. The number of times the shadows of your past seem to creep in doesn't matter. What does matter is what you choose to do with them. The best news of all is you always have a choice. Will you let the shadow defeat you? Will you let it make you curl up into a ball, shut out the world, and forget what's important to you? Will you let the shadow take everything away that matters, that you've worked so hard for? Why let a shadow of your past have such a grip on you? Hasn't it already taken away enough? Are you going to let it steal your joy? Your piece of mind? Your happiness? The choice is yours: Stand up to the shadow or let it defeat you all over again.

Standing up to the shadows is never easy. It's harder than letting the shadows consume us. Our shadows are like bullies, waiting in the wings, hiding in the darkness, waiting to pounce. If you ignore the bully, they'll likely be back with a vengeance. If you succumb to the bully, they'll attack until they find someone else to bully. Those are the easy options. If you stand up to the bully, which is scary and hard, your bully will initially get worse. You'll get knocked down. You'll be challenged. You'll slide backwards. You'll get hurt. It will be hard. You will grow. You'll become tenacious. You'll surprise yourself. You'll get some thick skin. You'll get stronger. Standing up will become easier. It will take time and work. Your bully will see that they no longer have the hold on you and will move on.

If we confront our shadows head on, just like confronting a bully, we will grow and learn and change and recognize our own resiliency. We'll be able to stare our shadows down and not let them define who we are or what we do. Our choices determine our actions and our attitude determines our altitude. You have the power to confront any shadows that are waiting in the wings, or those that are on top of you. You've had the power to do it all along. You just need to find some courage and an arsenal.


By an arsenal, I'm not talking about weapons, per se, I'm talking about resources. Resources can come in all shapes, sizes and types. The best resources include counseling, support groups, religious gatherings (depending on your faith), and surrounding yourself with supportive family and friends. Using your arsenal of resources, you will find your strength to stand up.


In addition, we have to remember that others around us are fighting their own shadows whether we know it or not. Something we may say or do could be a trigger for that. We have to recognize that everyone deserves compassion. We all must walk our own roads and make our own choices.


I've noticed I am drawn to people with similar circumstances and experiences. If you have a friend that continues to be bogged down and succumb to shadows, tell your story of how you beat your shadows or let them know how you confront them. There is immeasurable power and healing to be found in knowing you're not alone and that someone has walked that same tough road and conquered the shadows you're still facing.


Today, I challenge you to stand up...whatever that means for you. Celebrate the small victories, and build your arsenal every day. We cannot chose our pasts, however, the future is wide open. Stand up to your shadows. Don't let any of them take away another precious minute, precious moment, precious second of your life. It is our choices that determines who we become. Fall down seven times, stand up eight. Never, never stop standing up! :)

Perspective

I have been at my current job for over 6 years and people have often commented on my positive attitude and the fact that I’m often smiling. I end up with nicknames like smiley, sunshine, and bubbles. One person recently looked at me and told me I must be on some kind of drugs because no one is that happy at work. What she fails to realize is that happiness is a choice and it’s all about perspective.  Prior ending up in my current career, I spent some time working as a 911 dispatcher. This experience changed my life completely.
Imagine working in a room so dark you don't know who is sitting beside you, illuminated by four computer screens in front of you, two more to your right and a phone system that looks like it could help land an airplane. Others sit nearby talking in calm voices, where you hear tidbits of one-sided conversations such as, "where is the gun now?" or "how many times have you tried to kill yourself before?"
A call comes in. A young boy in a terrified voice says, I think my parents just killed each other.
This was my typical day as a 911 dispatcher. Fresh out of college with a criminal justice degree I was idealistic. I was in the hiring process for six months, which is considered a short amount of time. 90% of applicants don’t make it through the process, which included a group interview, psychological evaluation, physical, and a polygraph.  I was in the 10 percent that get hired and I was determined to change the world and make difference. And for a while, I did. I learned 250 codes and signals. I aced the tests and, in a short time, I was beginning to handle the toughest calls without assistance.  But making a difference came at a cost. Over time, the amount of pressure to learn everything quickly began to take its toll. I would get up at 3 or 4 am one week and then get home around 1 or 2 am the next week. Despite this erratic schedule, I no longer felt tired. I have no idea what I was eating, because I wasn’t hungry either.   For weeks at a time, I had very little contact with any family or friends, because my schedule was so unpredictable and often, I was only off of work when they were sleeping. I made friends in the training classes who were going through the same things I was, and that made it somewhat bearable.  I told myself that this was all worth it. After all, this is what I wanted to do. I majored in Criminal Justice to change the world. I couldn’t quit now. I was at the top of my training class. One week I took over 20 calls from suicidal people. I was an expert on talking people down and distracting them until help arrived. I didn’t take into consideration the toll that this job was truly putting on me.  During my last training class, we listened to some recorded calls. One included a dispatcher who couldn’t understand the accent of the screaming woman on the other line. The response was delayed. I knew it wasn’t the dispatcher’s fault but I never considered how I would feel if my lack of understanding or comprehension of what was being said delayed a response.  After hearing that call, I knew in that moment, that despite all of the training, preparation, and time I had put in, that this was not the job for me.
The day that I quit, I drove home with a smile on my face. I had no plan, no job to fall back on, and my family thought I was crazy for giving up my first "real job”.
The reality was, instead of changing the world, the world changed me. The lessons I learned as a dispatcher were invaluable. I learned that things can always, always be worse. The stresses we typically experience in our day-to-day lives are minor. The reality is, our days are numbered and they are precious, so I choose happiness and I challenge you to do the same! :) 

Fault and Blame

"Sam, you were drugged and raped. You were not at fault, not even a little."
"You're wrong," she said as tears spilled from her cheeks. "He told me the whole time it was happening that it was my fault. I should have fought harder and screamed louder. I wore a short dress. I left my drink unattended. I did everything wrong."

This excerpt breaks my heart every time I read it. At the time I wrote it, I thought I understood. God knows I've done my share of blaming myself for things that weren't my fault.  What disheartens me is the sheer volume of people (male and female) I see on the message boards and Facebook groups for survivors of trauma who feel this exact same way.

These survivors become victims of their own minds and often, as a result of something that wasn't their fault, their lives spiral out of control. They lose their sense of security and sometimes their jobs. They lose their families and friends in some instances. They lose all semblance of order in their lives simply because not only are they blaming themselves, society is blaming them as well.

When I see these posts, I try to convince the survivors of trauma that they're wrong. I try to be there for them. I tell them how special they are and that they were made to fill a purpose and that that are wonderful people and nothing will change them. Then I get angry. After being victimized, there should be nothing but an outpouring of love for someone who has gone through a trauma like rape. The bottom line is, something needs to change.

Society as a whole tends to blame the victims of rape and it's disgusting. If you blame the rape victim because her clothes were provocative, using that same logic, you must also blame the bank that was robbed because its contents were provocative.

As simple as it sounds, women do not get raped because they were drinking or dressed provocatively. Women (and men) get raped because someone raped them. There is a place for being proactive and being aware of surroundings. However, we need to flip the script. Instead of teaching our college and high school students how not to get raped, the focus needs to be changed on not raping and the definition of consent. There are two ways to stop and help prevent rape. 1. Don't rape people 2. Don't make excuses for rapists.

I challenge anyone that has ever made a generalization about a survivor of rape or domestic violence to imagine for a moment that you were in the shoes of that person. Imagine what it must feel like to be completely violated and have your support system crumble around you. Think of how helpless the survivor must feel to be blamed and treated like they're lying or at fault. I pray that you never have to experience something like this, but compassion is key. Treat people with love. Hurt people hurt people. They hurt themselves and others. The judgment and blaming of rape survivors needs to end. 

He reached for her hand and she let him slip the ring back on her finger. Tears welled up in her eyes again as he hugged her, but they were tears of relief. He hadn't run away. He didn't hate her. He didn't think she was wrong. Even if she blamed herself, he didn't blame her. She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes.
"Thanks...for being a friend," said Samantha.
"I'll always be your friend," Charlie replied. "No matter what."


I hope and pray that every rape or domestic violence survivor has someone like Charlie Cartwright in their corner. They deserve someone who will listen and be kind and understanding, regardless of what has happened. I pray today that every survivor will find the support system that he or she needs.
We all deserve to love and be loved. A survivor of this type of violence deserves and needs an undeniable and incredible amount of love and support. We have a moral obligation to take care of others who are suffering. You never know when your words of kindness or your simple act of love will have an undeniable or life-changing effect on someone else. It's those simple acts that can mean the difference between life and death. Do something positive with your days. Listen to someone when they tell you something. Believe them fully, even if it's hard or if you're initially skeptical. Give people the love and understanding you would want if you were faced with the same situation. That's true kindness and compassion.


Should you be interested in checking out No Man Sam, don't buy it...it will be on a free promotion from 4/30-5/2 on Amazon.com. The purpose of this blog post was not to promote the book. I just get infuriated when I see all of the rape and domestic violence blaming and shaming that goes on in our culture. Love is so important and should be the focus of all that we do :) Thank you for reading!

No Man Sam by Kristen Nannini Official Trailer

No Man Sam by Kristen Nannini Official Trailer




Check it out! :)

Hunting Rainbows

Within the past few weeks, there have been several battles going on around me. I am learning that I can't control any of them, but that hasn't stopped me from wishing I could. At times, I want to shake certain people and ask them if they're serious. I want to tell them to think for themselves and to stop letting others dictate what happens. I want to make them feel better, make them happy, make others stop taking advantage of them. Then I remember that I can't make anyone do anything.

I have been struggling through a situation that I believe is wrong. Someone I love dearly has made a life choice that I believe was influenced by others who have ulterior motives. I have watched this person suffer and make choices that I know she would not have made, had it not been for the influencers. I pray this person is acting on her own accord, and that her best wishes are truly at heart for the influencers, but I also know the track record of said influences and believe that is not the case. It frustrates me to no end that there is nothing I can do change things. Fighting with the influences will not suffice or make any change. As hard as it is not to fight for someone I love, there is nothing I can do to change it. I have to let go.

I have a choice. I can stand by and watch it unfold before me, being as I have no control, or I can remove myself entirely from the situation. I have to remember God is in control, because I have none and never had any to begin with. However, what I allow into my life is what will continue. Therefore, those people can take a break from my life and my thoughts.

It seems like people perpetuate their own storms and then get mad when it rains. Once it rains (perpetuated or not), we all go hunting for rainbows. When the storms of life get the best of us, we go in search of something better, something to make us happy, something bright, maybe with a pot of gold at the end.

I wish life worked that way. I wish every time there was a storm, everyone would have their own rainbow to look forward to. Not to say it never happens, but we can't expect a rainbow every time. We're given our situations and our gifts and struggles for a reason. But we make choices every day about what we choose to do with all of our struggles as well as our gifts.

There's no sense in hunting for rainbows in places where you can't stop the rain from falling. I guess it's up to all of us to find our own rainbows and choose our own paths. I can only hope to encourage you to enjoy the gifts of friends and families every day because you never know when they will be ripped from your life by death or other circumstances beyond your control. Hold those moments and revel in them. Trust that God knows what he's doing, and focus on what you can control. :)





 

Live Your Dreams

When we were little, things were so much easier. One week you could want to be a doctor, the next an architect, the next a musician, and three days later, you could decide your ambition is to design clothes for the rich and famous. We grow up and eventually choose our paths. Those who are lucky or ambitious find their passions early in life and thrive.

In Gallup’s 2013 State of the American Workplace study, 70% of those who participated described themselves as “disengaged” from their work...This fact makes me sick. Why are walking through our work lives "disengaged?" Because it's easy? Because we don't believe we can make things better or make and impact where we are?

I've been told I inspire people. While this is one of the most flattering things people can say, when some of those same people are the ones who are miserable day in and day out, I honestly want to shake them. I want to say, "Inspire me! Please! I want to see what you can do. I know you're capable of so many things and that you want so much more. So go for it! Don't let anything stop you! I love that I inspire you, but stop watching me and go get what you want!"

Fear is one of the most powerful things in the world. We internalize it and become terrified of change. It's easy to watch someone go after their dreams. It's fun to watch it from the sidelines. I love watching people succeed, however I have greater admiration for the people whose dreams aren't easy and for those who fall backwards over and over again.

I want to say to those people who watch from the sidelines: "I want to watch you fall backward even though I hate to see you struggle." We fall and struggle because we have more to learn and need to grow from our experiences. Falling isn't failing. You only fail when you quit. Reaching a dream is very much like a child who is learning to walk. One step and then the fall, and then comes the tears. Soon, another step, and a collapse, inevitably more tears. Eventually, that child will become so proficient with walking, he or she will start to run. For those people on the sidelines--I want to see you run! I want to see you meet and exceed all of your dreams because I believe in you! Don't tell me I inspire you. Inspire someone else. Inspire greatness, or tolerance, or love, or change. Don't let your ideas fall on deaf ears. Stand at the top of the tallest mountain if you must, do whatever you have to do to work toward your dreams.

Don't be your own worst enemy. It's time for you to believe in yourself! Fear has the power to consume you, but the cool thing about fear is you control everything internally. Everything you do or choose is only as big as you choose to make it. If you let a move or a job stand between you and your happiness, you're letting your fear be too big. Sure, we don't always know what's on the other side of that new job or that new path, but if nothing else, you'll have grown and become stronger. Let your fear shrink and your light become bright. Let it illuminate your path and think about what will make you truly happy. When you do that, you will inevitably inspire others.

One day, the sun will set and you won't see it rise. That day could be today. Imagine never seeing the sun come up again. I'm not trying to be morbid, but this is reality.

What will you wish you have done? Who will you wish you spoke to one last time? Who still needs to know that you love them? I challenge you to take today and do it. It can't wait. Time won't make hard conversations any easier. We only have one life to live. Let's stop filling it with negativity and watching from the sidelines. Get in there! Live your dreams! Do some falling and then I want to see you run. Why? Because I care about you and I want to see you succeed. We may not know each other, but that changes nothing. We need more free thinkers and positivity and people pursuing their dreams now, more than ever. Whatever your dream is, please, I beg you, start working toward it now. It is never too late to get started. This is your chance. This is your moment. What will you do with it? :)

Kindle Unlimited

We live in an exciting time when it comes to the power of the written word. A twitter post with 1 sentence or idea can go viral and ruin someone’s career, increase their "popularity" by 1 million (or more) new followers, or can be sent into oblivion before anyone can give it a second glance.

Speaking sending words into oblivion, I loved the idea of having an agent. I imagined him or her to be someone who could champion my book and help me announce it to the world. Instead, my illusion was quickly crushed and destroyed when, after several full-manuscript requests, it was rejected, time and time again.

About the same time those rejections rolled in, I bit the bullet and entered this year's Amazon Breakthrough Novel contest. I figured if the manuscript sucked, I'd never make it from the ten thousand entrants to the second round (only 400 per category). But, based on the synopsis, it was chosen. It didn't make it to the third round. However, after reading the comments from the impartial people who'd reviewed the first 3 chapters, it was clear they really enjoyed it. They were concerned as to where the book was going and afraid I would start preaching or get on a soapbox or something (which I don't and would never do in a novel). Those comments put me in gear. I realized it didn't matter if I ever sold anything. I wanted to get it out there as fast as I could. At the same time, I was completely and utterly terrified.

I kept thinking about the few comments I'd received from agents. These were people...respected people, with established backgrounds, and bestsellers under their belts. I felt the book wasn't crap, but I wasn't impartial. For me, it took some awesome beta readers who gave me the push I needed to continue forward.

Part of me had always been envious of Indy authors who did everything themselves. With the comments from my beta readers in my mind, I hit that submit button, even though I was scared out of my mind.

Within ten minutes, I had a sale. Then, nothing. For days. I wondered about that rogue sale. What crazy person had read my synopsis and spent a few bucks to read something by someone with no reviews that involved a purity ring, a rapist, and a vendetta? All of those hot-button issues the agents had stayed away from and avoided at all costs? I was stoked and also anxiously awaiting the kindle reader to come to his/her senses and return the book.

A funny thing happened then. I announced the book on Facebook. People I never would have imagined took an interest, while some close friends who were "interested" never gave it a second glance. This is, apparently, not unusual, but came as a surprise to me nonetheless.

Now, a few months later, the Kindle Unlimited Progam has rolled out. Authors who have published exclusively on Kindle have the opportunity to enroll and receive a very small cut of a fund for each book downloaded and read past 10 %. Amazon members pay $9.99 a month to download any title they chose out of 600,000 books. There has been constant debate since the program was announced and some authors apparently feel that Amazon is devaluing their books.

The only reason I didn't make my novel free is because I wanted people to have to "buy" into the story and not just download it and let it sit there, amidst a hundred other free books. However, I will be making it free for a limited time as often as I'm allowed and have dropped it to .99 for a limited time as well.

The reason for making the book cheap is not to devalue the novel or to have it chosen over the other million books on Kindle. I want everyone who is interested to be able to afford to buy a copy. I wouldn't have had a choice on pricing if I'd signed a contract with an agent. I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe the person who needs to read No Man Sam doesn't have a disposable income. Or, maybe they're struggling through their own feelings and need an escape. I understand that. I believe words are like magic and I don't care that they're cheap. I was never in this to make money. In fact, I've given more away to charities than I ever expect to gain, but that's OK. We're all on this rock together. Let's make the most of it and enjoy it! We have to do what we were meant to do. For me, that's writing.

If you're one of those authors who hates Kindle Unlimited, Indie Authors, and/or cheap ebooks, I hope you can see through to my side of the fence, even if you don't necessarily agree with every statement above. I challenge you to put yourself in the shoes of an Indie or new author. Maybe I'm wrong or completely off base...that's ok with me. We're all here to grow and learn and experience new ideas. I'm thankful to Amazon and every other company that sells self-published books. The ebook world should be filled with new books of all genres, daily. We can never have too much knowledge, read too many stories, or identify with too many characters.

I am thankful that in this day and age, readers from all walks of life can have an avenue to publish an ebook. I appreciate the fact that I can self publish a book full of hot-button issues and create something that means something to someone. After all, isn't that what writing is fundamentally about?