Róża Lewanowicz's Blog, page 3
August 19, 2019
cPTSD (it's all about the money)
Just as
I didn't know
that my non-mother and other people around me (responsible for me at a certain time) are NPDs, I wasn't either aware that I myself struggle with Complex PTSD (cPTSD) which for instance is not being diagnosed let alone treated in Poland's psychiatric facilities. As I mentioned, no therapist wanted to listen about how the woman who gave birth to me was abusing me since the beginning of my life. My stories are not only beyond their poor medical experience but also beyond social discourse they acquired and obey, saying that deep inside, every parent is a good person and had, in fact, good intentions.
Luckily, nowadays, there are such good inventions available as Pinterest where I found many interesting sources that helped me understand my problems and find some relief. There are many good people, excellent specialists on the web who don't bother annoying medical terminology and are full of compassion toward victims of 'bad parenting'. Their articles and blogs are the best things that happened to me during previous years. I will not exaggerate if I say that they are lifesavers.
Lately, I came across this very interesting article regarding cPTSD problem. There are these couple of lines that drew my attention, for they quite well describe what I had to go through as a baby, toddler, and a teenager:
For those who are older, being at the complete control of another person (often unable to meet their most basic needs without them), coupled with no foreseeable end in sight, can break down the psyche, the survivor's sense of self, and affect them on this deeper level. For those who go through this as children, because the brain is still developing and they're just beginning to learn who they are as an individual, understand the world around them, and build their first relationships - severe trauma interrupts the entire course of their psychologic and neurologic development.
In other words, my sadistic non-mother damaged my brain and I need to live with this ordeal every second of my life.
The worst thing about it was that I was 'unable to meet the most basic needs' without her. I was completely dependent on her. I was the captive. And this is how my brain is working all the time - in full dependency mode.
I won't provide the details right now. Just imagine you are me and you are fired. Losing my job was the moment when I realized this dependency the most, for it refreshed the memories and magnified the feeling of being a 'redundant cost' (this is how my lousy ex-boss called me while firing me and I will never forget him these words, that's for sure). But, as I told him, this is what the Providence wanted for me. I had to come back to this nonsense and to this wound in my nervous system. It was hidden though actively draining me from strength.
This is a huge abuse: implying that the worth of own child is measured by money. And this is pure evil in using the position of bread-winner in order to manipulate others who are under our custody.
Luckily, nowadays, there are such good inventions available as Pinterest where I found many interesting sources that helped me understand my problems and find some relief. There are many good people, excellent specialists on the web who don't bother annoying medical terminology and are full of compassion toward victims of 'bad parenting'. Their articles and blogs are the best things that happened to me during previous years. I will not exaggerate if I say that they are lifesavers.
Lately, I came across this very interesting article regarding cPTSD problem. There are these couple of lines that drew my attention, for they quite well describe what I had to go through as a baby, toddler, and a teenager:
For those who are older, being at the complete control of another person (often unable to meet their most basic needs without them), coupled with no foreseeable end in sight, can break down the psyche, the survivor's sense of self, and affect them on this deeper level. For those who go through this as children, because the brain is still developing and they're just beginning to learn who they are as an individual, understand the world around them, and build their first relationships - severe trauma interrupts the entire course of their psychologic and neurologic development.
In other words, my sadistic non-mother damaged my brain and I need to live with this ordeal every second of my life.
The worst thing about it was that I was 'unable to meet the most basic needs' without her. I was completely dependent on her. I was the captive. And this is how my brain is working all the time - in full dependency mode.
I won't provide the details right now. Just imagine you are me and you are fired. Losing my job was the moment when I realized this dependency the most, for it refreshed the memories and magnified the feeling of being a 'redundant cost' (this is how my lousy ex-boss called me while firing me and I will never forget him these words, that's for sure). But, as I told him, this is what the Providence wanted for me. I had to come back to this nonsense and to this wound in my nervous system. It was hidden though actively draining me from strength.
This is a huge abuse: implying that the worth of own child is measured by money. And this is pure evil in using the position of bread-winner in order to manipulate others who are under our custody.
August 14, 2019
Inadequacy and Unworthiness
I wrote:"(...)in most cases of 'mental health issues', the problem is that we are stuck in our NPD non-parents' or caregivers' minds."
As we can read in the blog of Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi (the Person whose work, along with late Alice Miller's books, saved my life):
"Many victims of narcissistic parents are haunted by feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness as a result of innumerable verbal assaults on them as children and adults." LINK
Inadequacy and unworthiness!
No person is born to have the feeling that he or she is unworthy or doesn't fit any place. This is not part of our 'source code'. Other people, we are depended to, make us feel and think this way. And the parents who are NPDs know exactly how to set up our mindset since the cradle.
Someone told me once that every mental illness is only a matter of the way we are thinking. I'd add that the matter of how we think about ourselves. People who acquired the ability to love themselves have small chances to get sick because they will be strong enough to survive even in the worst situations. For people like me, who were neglected in many aspects of life, even the small problems sometimes are an unbeatable mountain.
Why?
Imagine you are blaming yourself for absolutely everything. Life is harsh and there are more difficult situations than simple ones, but, no matter what is happening, you feel that this is your fault, that you could have foreseen it, know things beyond your knowledge... I feel like this, for my non-mother was constantly implying these lies. This was my fault a classmate was bullying me, this was my fault the bus came too late, this was my fault I was born, this was my fault she was depressed, etc. etc. These are exactly the circumstances as to when blaming rape victims for being raped - she must have done or said something that provoked the perpetrator, she had a short skirt, she was walking alone after dark...
The wrong mindset that is imprinted in our brains and we cannot get rid of this just like that. For if you are guilty, if you KNOW that you are a bad person, then you feel unworthy of better treatment, you don't seek help, you think you deserved everything bad that happened to you, especially the way your vicious parent is treating you.
As we can read in the blog of Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi (the Person whose work, along with late Alice Miller's books, saved my life):
"Many victims of narcissistic parents are haunted by feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness as a result of innumerable verbal assaults on them as children and adults." LINK
Inadequacy and unworthiness!
No person is born to have the feeling that he or she is unworthy or doesn't fit any place. This is not part of our 'source code'. Other people, we are depended to, make us feel and think this way. And the parents who are NPDs know exactly how to set up our mindset since the cradle.
Someone told me once that every mental illness is only a matter of the way we are thinking. I'd add that the matter of how we think about ourselves. People who acquired the ability to love themselves have small chances to get sick because they will be strong enough to survive even in the worst situations. For people like me, who were neglected in many aspects of life, even the small problems sometimes are an unbeatable mountain.
Why?
Imagine you are blaming yourself for absolutely everything. Life is harsh and there are more difficult situations than simple ones, but, no matter what is happening, you feel that this is your fault, that you could have foreseen it, know things beyond your knowledge... I feel like this, for my non-mother was constantly implying these lies. This was my fault a classmate was bullying me, this was my fault the bus came too late, this was my fault I was born, this was my fault she was depressed, etc. etc. These are exactly the circumstances as to when blaming rape victims for being raped - she must have done or said something that provoked the perpetrator, she had a short skirt, she was walking alone after dark...
The wrong mindset that is imprinted in our brains and we cannot get rid of this just like that. For if you are guilty, if you KNOW that you are a bad person, then you feel unworthy of better treatment, you don't seek help, you think you deserved everything bad that happened to you, especially the way your vicious parent is treating you.
August 13, 2019
I didn't know
I was not aware that, all the time, I was writing about NPDs (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). My mother is NPD, whole her family is NPD, the men I loved are NPDs, most of my teachers were NPDs (this is a real misfortune that even at school, I was surrounded by them), my bosses and colleagues were NPDs. I published "Guide for (Ultimate) Losers," and I was completely unaware that I am referring to this kind of 'personality' in it.
This very discovery helped much more than any kind of therapy or auto-therapy could do. Because, once I learned about it from academic sources, I stopped believing that I can fix any one of these people, for they are... fixed personalities. They don't want to change although, sometimes, they pretend they want being healed in order to keep their victims close and to continue their torment. Well, I did suspect I cannot change such a person - that's why I stopped contacting my non-mother and her non-family - but there is always this tiny hope of a little child, betrayed by the parents, that if he/she would do or say something in a different way, the family member will understand everything and the things will be better from now on. No, nothing will be better! Never!
I am quite sure that in most cases of 'mental health issues', the problem is that we are stuck in our NPD non-parents' or caregivers' minds. We function in their system of 'values', we constantly operate the terminology they had invented for the purposes of their crooked brains. We are NEVER free. People with anxiety problems, depression, CHAD or schizophrenia are inmates in these prisons of evil people who "were destined to be lost".
This very discovery helped much more than any kind of therapy or auto-therapy could do. Because, once I learned about it from academic sources, I stopped believing that I can fix any one of these people, for they are... fixed personalities. They don't want to change although, sometimes, they pretend they want being healed in order to keep their victims close and to continue their torment. Well, I did suspect I cannot change such a person - that's why I stopped contacting my non-mother and her non-family - but there is always this tiny hope of a little child, betrayed by the parents, that if he/she would do or say something in a different way, the family member will understand everything and the things will be better from now on. No, nothing will be better! Never!
I am quite sure that in most cases of 'mental health issues', the problem is that we are stuck in our NPD non-parents' or caregivers' minds. We function in their system of 'values', we constantly operate the terminology they had invented for the purposes of their crooked brains. We are NEVER free. People with anxiety problems, depression, CHAD or schizophrenia are inmates in these prisons of evil people who "were destined to be lost".
July 8, 2019
The Maze of Oblivion
The memory is a key to mental health. Only those people and the nations who remember their past - and do not deny it no matter how bad it was - have the chance to be completely sane. That's why the movie "Maze Runner" is the best allegory of what exactly mental disease is.
If you didn't see it, spoiler alert.
Becoming a member of the group living inside of the Maze is something scary. Everything is scary, just like while being mentally ill. You don't know what is going on yet you need to survive, adjust, obey the rules.
Right, the rules... Just as I mentioned in the last post, there are many people who will tell you what you should do or think if you are sick. The world of shrinks and therapists is represented by the character named Gally - do not ask, do not try to get out, stay safe where you are, searching for answers may be dangerous, and, of course, follow the rules that make we feel relatively comfortable.
The one thing making that the group members didn't take the risk the main character took right away after showing up in the Maze, is oblivion, and to be more precise, unawareness of whole the situation they are in. Naturally, the nasty creatures emerging after dark are also dreadful but when I was watching the movie I realized that the boys were subconsciously afraid of unknown hidden further, behind the threat they learned to live with. And they didn't have a reliance on any memories. They lacked the base they could stay on. Just as people with mental illnesses.
People who have no idea how it is to live with mental illness, do not understand that the problem with memories do not always concern the events themselves but emotions related to these events. We do not remember the fear associated with violence we experienced, with beating, parents' screams and anger of theirs. We are detached from the pain we felt, from loneliness without limits... Honestly, for most of our lives, we are detached from ourselves. And this is something most of the other people want from us - to stay in terror, to obey the rules, to take the meds, do not ask the inconvenient questions... do not run.
If you didn't see it, spoiler alert.
Becoming a member of the group living inside of the Maze is something scary. Everything is scary, just like while being mentally ill. You don't know what is going on yet you need to survive, adjust, obey the rules.
Right, the rules... Just as I mentioned in the last post, there are many people who will tell you what you should do or think if you are sick. The world of shrinks and therapists is represented by the character named Gally - do not ask, do not try to get out, stay safe where you are, searching for answers may be dangerous, and, of course, follow the rules that make we feel relatively comfortable.
The one thing making that the group members didn't take the risk the main character took right away after showing up in the Maze, is oblivion, and to be more precise, unawareness of whole the situation they are in. Naturally, the nasty creatures emerging after dark are also dreadful but when I was watching the movie I realized that the boys were subconsciously afraid of unknown hidden further, behind the threat they learned to live with. And they didn't have a reliance on any memories. They lacked the base they could stay on. Just as people with mental illnesses.
People who have no idea how it is to live with mental illness, do not understand that the problem with memories do not always concern the events themselves but emotions related to these events. We do not remember the fear associated with violence we experienced, with beating, parents' screams and anger of theirs. We are detached from the pain we felt, from loneliness without limits... Honestly, for most of our lives, we are detached from ourselves. And this is something most of the other people want from us - to stay in terror, to obey the rules, to take the meds, do not ask the inconvenient questions... do not run.
May 22, 2019
Non-Mental
There is this huge common misconception among 'healthy' people that mental illnesses are incurable. As a result, they seem to demand from ill persons to behave and think in a certain way. Shrinks express such opinions loudly and without any shade of shame. Others just signalize these expectations in a more concealed way.
Many doctors and therapists, once the diagnosis is announced, list the things the patient should do or think and, above all, they say that this is "for the rest of your life". This approach let them control, not cure, patients. It takes away the responsibility from their shoulders, they can wear their 'normal' clothes and go back home after the shift without guilt.
I experienced this situation only once. And I told myself I will do whatever I can to prove them wrong. It is possible that, when the time is good, I will sue the doctor and whole the ward I was 'treated' in.
I solved my problems. I found the cure. I discovered the truth about myself, about my non-mother, non-family, non-teachers, non-doctors... It took me over six years though it shouldn't have been such a struggle if I only have had a good treatment.
But it is not the time for regrets. Now, it is time to live.
Many doctors and therapists, once the diagnosis is announced, list the things the patient should do or think and, above all, they say that this is "for the rest of your life". This approach let them control, not cure, patients. It takes away the responsibility from their shoulders, they can wear their 'normal' clothes and go back home after the shift without guilt.
I experienced this situation only once. And I told myself I will do whatever I can to prove them wrong. It is possible that, when the time is good, I will sue the doctor and whole the ward I was 'treated' in.
I solved my problems. I found the cure. I discovered the truth about myself, about my non-mother, non-family, non-teachers, non-doctors... It took me over six years though it shouldn't have been such a struggle if I only have had a good treatment.
But it is not the time for regrets. Now, it is time to live.
No-Mental
There is this huge common misconception among 'healthy' people that mental illnesses are incurable. As a result, they seem to demand from ill persons to behave and think in a certain way. Shrinks express such opinions loudly and without any shade of shame. Others just signalize these expectations in a more concealed way.
Many doctors and therapists, once the diagnosis is announced, list the things the patient should do or think and, above all, they say that this is "for the rest of your life". This approach let them control, not cure, patients. It takes away the responsibility from their shoulders, they can wear their 'normal' clothes and go back home after the shift without guilt.
I experienced this situation only once. And I told myself I will do whatever I can to prove them wrong. It is possible that, when the time is good, I will sue the doctor and whole the ward I was 'treated' in.
I solved my problems. I found the cure. I discovered the truth about myself, about my no-mother, no-family, no-teachers, no-doctors... It took me over six years though it shouldn't have been such a struggle if I only have had a good treatment.
But it is not the time for regrets. Now, it is time to live.
Many doctors and therapists, once the diagnosis is announced, list the things the patient should do or think and, above all, they say that this is "for the rest of your life". This approach let them control, not cure, patients. It takes away the responsibility from their shoulders, they can wear their 'normal' clothes and go back home after the shift without guilt.
I experienced this situation only once. And I told myself I will do whatever I can to prove them wrong. It is possible that, when the time is good, I will sue the doctor and whole the ward I was 'treated' in.
I solved my problems. I found the cure. I discovered the truth about myself, about my no-mother, no-family, no-teachers, no-doctors... It took me over six years though it shouldn't have been such a struggle if I only have had a good treatment.
But it is not the time for regrets. Now, it is time to live.
March 27, 2019
Invisible Fortress
Nobody knew how I was spending Sunday morning. But it was awesome. The fact that I wasn't noticed didn't spoil my mood. For some time, I have been aware that this is how I want my life looks like - I am invisible, unimportant, forgotten... despite the voice of anxiety says something opposite. I am happy when no one is judging me or even look at me. But the problem is that the only effective cure for my emotional issues is doing things that may expose me to the overall sight. And this is awful.
***
Not so long time ago, I discovered that people who have suicidal thoughts - like me - are those who depend on others' opinion too much and it concerns really serious and essential things. That's why it is so hard to live the life of an invisible person. It is hard to ensure the acceptance for own deeds and decisions internally. I still look around as if someone 'important' would say that I and my actions are important or unimportant, that I deserve for some kind of approval or not...
This very knowledge started changing my mindset. But, paradoxically, only criticism and rejection created proper situations in which I could 'train' my will and change my way of thinking. I could begin building my fortress I should have built as a child.
***
The fortress means a single person doesn't lose the connection with own self. The walls protecting the core of the existence are high and strong. I don't depend on anybody's opinion. Nobody can tell me that I don't deserve to live or to be loved. And this is what I had believed in for a very long time.
In the case of people like me, it is very easy to undermine our strength and self-confidence. Sometimes, banal things can trigger the decision of taking own life. That's why I try as much as I can to be nice and kind (or stay away if I am not able to be), for I don't know the mental state of the person I am talking to. We really never know...
***
Not so long time ago, I discovered that people who have suicidal thoughts - like me - are those who depend on others' opinion too much and it concerns really serious and essential things. That's why it is so hard to live the life of an invisible person. It is hard to ensure the acceptance for own deeds and decisions internally. I still look around as if someone 'important' would say that I and my actions are important or unimportant, that I deserve for some kind of approval or not...
This very knowledge started changing my mindset. But, paradoxically, only criticism and rejection created proper situations in which I could 'train' my will and change my way of thinking. I could begin building my fortress I should have built as a child.
***
The fortress means a single person doesn't lose the connection with own self. The walls protecting the core of the existence are high and strong. I don't depend on anybody's opinion. Nobody can tell me that I don't deserve to live or to be loved. And this is what I had believed in for a very long time.
In the case of people like me, it is very easy to undermine our strength and self-confidence. Sometimes, banal things can trigger the decision of taking own life. That's why I try as much as I can to be nice and kind (or stay away if I am not able to be), for I don't know the mental state of the person I am talking to. We really never know...
March 25, 2019
Up-Side-Down
I'm sure you all know some movies or TV series where the main character struggles with the trauma he or she doesn't remember. It haunts that person though it is hidden deep in the subconscious.
I don't remember what caused my own trauma. I really don't. But it impacts my life every second.
So maybe I'll describe what it does with me, how it changes my mindset.
It is like finding myself in 'up-side-down world' depicted in 'Stranger Things' series. I freeze with terror. I cannot move. Everything I see and experience changes. I feel the fear of being outcasted from the world, the reality we all know. Everyone seems to be against me and I am stupid and unimportant. There is no one who could or want to protect me, backing me and my case.
The situation with losing my job intensified the trauma or just unveiled what I was trying to hide in order to avoid the pain. Except I still don't see what it is...
***
I freeze... Like an animal. Scared to death.
I remember countless times I was frozen because of fear. And I had a good reason for that. I am not ACoA though my experiences are very similar to theirs. Besides, my mother, for a short period of time, had been drinking a lot, not coming back home for hours and, after showing up, being aggressive. I was scratching walls in my room out of unbearable stress.
The main problem I had to face all that time (now too) was loneliness. I had no one. NO ONE! Many people were aware of my situation though. People are still blind to somebody else's pain.
***
The story of my life is searching for a spirit mate, for someone who could be with me no matter what, no matter if I use big fonts or my language skills are poor.
I don't remember the circumstances I felt like this for the first time - the rejection, the feeling that I am being banished from this planet. This is my trauma.
I remember though when I for the first time felt abandoned by God. Priest's words, in ears of a little, very sensitive girl, sound like God's statement. This wound is still bleeding.
I don't remember what caused my own trauma. I really don't. But it impacts my life every second.
So maybe I'll describe what it does with me, how it changes my mindset.
It is like finding myself in 'up-side-down world' depicted in 'Stranger Things' series. I freeze with terror. I cannot move. Everything I see and experience changes. I feel the fear of being outcasted from the world, the reality we all know. Everyone seems to be against me and I am stupid and unimportant. There is no one who could or want to protect me, backing me and my case.
The situation with losing my job intensified the trauma or just unveiled what I was trying to hide in order to avoid the pain. Except I still don't see what it is...
***
I freeze... Like an animal. Scared to death.
I remember countless times I was frozen because of fear. And I had a good reason for that. I am not ACoA though my experiences are very similar to theirs. Besides, my mother, for a short period of time, had been drinking a lot, not coming back home for hours and, after showing up, being aggressive. I was scratching walls in my room out of unbearable stress.
The main problem I had to face all that time (now too) was loneliness. I had no one. NO ONE! Many people were aware of my situation though. People are still blind to somebody else's pain.
***
The story of my life is searching for a spirit mate, for someone who could be with me no matter what, no matter if I use big fonts or my language skills are poor.
I don't remember the circumstances I felt like this for the first time - the rejection, the feeling that I am being banished from this planet. This is my trauma.
I remember though when I for the first time felt abandoned by God. Priest's words, in ears of a little, very sensitive girl, sound like God's statement. This wound is still bleeding.
March 24, 2019
Take Care
Well, maybe my 'suicidal brain' works a little bit better now but I still need to struggle with other problems. The worst of them is anxiety.
The fact that I was fired last Tuesday doesn't improve my state. It reminds me of all these awful situations when I felt like the worst sort of trash. And I don't know if the moment when you hear you are fired is so bad or it is worsened by the suppressed memories.
I realized that I constantly try to find a place with the people who won't disappoint me as if this could heal my wounds. When I read this review of my book where someone called it 'huge disappointment', it occurred to me that the only person who shouldn't do that is me. And the only Person I should never in my life deliberately disappoint is God.
But when someone fires you - especially when you struggle with mental illness - you are more than anxious. You ask yourself the questions whether you could do something to prevent it; whether you could predict it; didn't you see it was coming? You blame yourself...
However, at some point, you know that you're better now when you start thinking about yourself with a concern. The anxiety is no longer the main voice in your head, it is not leading you. You worry that these circumstances may harm you, cause a relapse, ruin the stability you built with such an effort. At first, you are mad at the person who did it to you (in this situation, the boss) but then you need to get a grip and take care of yourself - this time, better than before.
The fact that I was fired last Tuesday doesn't improve my state. It reminds me of all these awful situations when I felt like the worst sort of trash. And I don't know if the moment when you hear you are fired is so bad or it is worsened by the suppressed memories.
I realized that I constantly try to find a place with the people who won't disappoint me as if this could heal my wounds. When I read this review of my book where someone called it 'huge disappointment', it occurred to me that the only person who shouldn't do that is me. And the only Person I should never in my life deliberately disappoint is God.
But when someone fires you - especially when you struggle with mental illness - you are more than anxious. You ask yourself the questions whether you could do something to prevent it; whether you could predict it; didn't you see it was coming? You blame yourself...
However, at some point, you know that you're better now when you start thinking about yourself with a concern. The anxiety is no longer the main voice in your head, it is not leading you. You worry that these circumstances may harm you, cause a relapse, ruin the stability you built with such an effort. At first, you are mad at the person who did it to you (in this situation, the boss) but then you need to get a grip and take care of yourself - this time, better than before.
March 23, 2019
Dear Amazon Customer, I was waiting for you
I rarely (almost never) relate to opinions about my books. But this time is special because I was waiting for this particular 'review' for a very long time. So thank you dear Amazon Customer for your time and sacrifice.
You may read it on Amazon or here:
The book is printed in a very large font, it is double spaced (at first, I looked to see if I had mistakenly ordered the large print for visually impaired; I didn't) and the author uses no articles in her writing whatsoever. It is very choppy reading and she keeps referring to her other "posts"; I wonder if she just took part of a blog she writes and had it printed as a book. I wasted the $8+ for this one. I read LOTS of books and never bother writing a review since I can usually just trudge on through most anything, but this one is impossible. Very incohesive and no pertinent information concerning suicide. Huge disappointment!!
Let's start from the end: 'a huge disappointment'.
Well... I am not surprised. I am a disappointment for everyone around me since I was born and I mentioned that fact not once. This is one of the main reasons I wanted to die since I was six. And that's why I wrote and published the book - to tell about it. It is hard to know what other people expect by reading a book about someone else's suicidal thoughts and mental problems. Honestly, I don't care what people expect. Sorry, that's the fact. This very book - a collection of essays I had been writing for almost a year (yes, they were primarily part of a blog) - helped me cope with the issues that weren't solved in a psychiatric ward by the best (allegedly) shrinks in this country and by the best (allegedly) meds in this world. So, this time, I may have disappointed someone else but, for the first time in my life, not myself.
Second thing: 'big letters'.
Seriously?! Is this a problem? No comment.
Third: 'Waste of money'.
That happened. I feel the same buying many things even books.
Last but not least: 'Language'.
Oh, yes. Let's get back to this topic when you learn Polish and try to publish some books in this language. Besides, I use now Grammarly (which btw underlined one mistake in your review) and my life is much better now ;)
-------------------------------------------------
Anyway, I only today realized that 'the suicidal brain' is something I forgot about. Really! It happened. As I said, my intention while writing and publishing the book wasn't helping anyone else but me. I don't know how it works but every time I wrote a post in English, something in my brain repaired itself. And once I published the book on Amazon... Well, that was a magic experience.
You may read it on Amazon or here:
The book is printed in a very large font, it is double spaced (at first, I looked to see if I had mistakenly ordered the large print for visually impaired; I didn't) and the author uses no articles in her writing whatsoever. It is very choppy reading and she keeps referring to her other "posts"; I wonder if she just took part of a blog she writes and had it printed as a book. I wasted the $8+ for this one. I read LOTS of books and never bother writing a review since I can usually just trudge on through most anything, but this one is impossible. Very incohesive and no pertinent information concerning suicide. Huge disappointment!!
Let's start from the end: 'a huge disappointment'.
Well... I am not surprised. I am a disappointment for everyone around me since I was born and I mentioned that fact not once. This is one of the main reasons I wanted to die since I was six. And that's why I wrote and published the book - to tell about it. It is hard to know what other people expect by reading a book about someone else's suicidal thoughts and mental problems. Honestly, I don't care what people expect. Sorry, that's the fact. This very book - a collection of essays I had been writing for almost a year (yes, they were primarily part of a blog) - helped me cope with the issues that weren't solved in a psychiatric ward by the best (allegedly) shrinks in this country and by the best (allegedly) meds in this world. So, this time, I may have disappointed someone else but, for the first time in my life, not myself.
Second thing: 'big letters'.
Seriously?! Is this a problem? No comment.
Third: 'Waste of money'.
That happened. I feel the same buying many things even books.
Last but not least: 'Language'.
Oh, yes. Let's get back to this topic when you learn Polish and try to publish some books in this language. Besides, I use now Grammarly (which btw underlined one mistake in your review) and my life is much better now ;)
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Anyway, I only today realized that 'the suicidal brain' is something I forgot about. Really! It happened. As I said, my intention while writing and publishing the book wasn't helping anyone else but me. I don't know how it works but every time I wrote a post in English, something in my brain repaired itself. And once I published the book on Amazon... Well, that was a magic experience.
