Andy Peloquin's Blog, page 5

When Your Brain Just Won’t Shut Up

Have you ever found that the best ideas come at the worst time?

Even worse, once they start, they just keep on coming!

More times than I can count, I’ve been kept up late at night writing down one story idea after another. No matter how hard I try to sleep, the only way to shut my brain up is to write down everything that comes until the flow of ideas finally stops.

But why is that? Why is it that those creative ideas come at any time of day or night?

One study found a particularly interesting link between creative types (artists and writers among them) and an inability to suppress the precuneus. The precuneus is a part of the brain linked to memory retrieval, self-consciousness, self-rumination, and deep pondering of ourselves and our experiences.

This part of the brain is usually most active during periods of rest or inactivity—like when we’re on a stroll through nature or driving down a highway in silence.

For the “average” person, this section of the brain is really only lit up when there’s no focus on daily tasks or work, when they’re letting their brains take a break. However, for writers and creative types, the precuneus is ALWAYS on.

Basically, this part of the brain is always making associations between the external (the world around them) and the internal (thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, and experiences). This creates a stream of ideas that never really shuts off, and can make it hard to focus on one thing at a time.

For writers (like myself), it’s a pretty clear explanation as to why an idea will suddenly pop into our heads at the worst possible times. Because our brains are always active and trying to link external and internal, the ideas will crop up as soon as those associations are made.

THAT is why your brain won’t shut up, and why you’ve always got more ideas running through your mind in a flow that literally won’t stop.

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F**k Normal!

For the last few years, since I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (on the autism spectrum), I’ve become much more aware of mental, psychological, neurological, and emotional health issues.

I’ve noticed the signs of depression in friends who I might have once thought were just“having a bad day”.

I’ve spotted telltale indicators that someone else might, like me, be on the spectrum.

I’ve come to look beyond the immediate to find the underlying causes—physiological or psychological—that alter people’s moods and behaviors.

And in doing so, I’ve come to a simple conclusion: these abnormalities or aberrations are a lot more common than I realized!

Here are some statistics from the World Health Organization:

Depression affects 300 million people around the globe each year—women more than men
Bipolar disorder affects roughly 60 million people
Schizophrenia affects close to 23 million people
Dementia affects close to 50 million people
In low- and middle-income countries, 76 to 85% of people with mental disorders receive no treatment. That number only drops to 35 to 50% in high-income countries.

These are just some quick-and-dirty facts pulled from ONE source. Some deeper digging would quickly prove my point: there are A LOT of people out there suffering from some sort of mental, emotional, psychological, or neurological condition that affects their wellbeing.

One psychologist put it a way we can all understand: “In over forty years of clinical psychiatric practice I have not found anyone who is ‘normal’. Every person has skews in his or her personality. These run the gamut from mild to severe in degree. Large groups of normal people are not found.”

I love that!

Not because it means a lot of people are suffering as a result of issues they’re struggling with.

No, what makes that an awesome statement is the fact that “normal” doesn’t really exist. There’s no baseline for us to aspire to, no “gold standard” of mental health that we can somehow fail to reach.

Normal doesn’t exist, so f**k it! We need to stop trying to live up to some misguided idea of what “normal” is, and instead find the balance in our lives.

As I’ve been living with Asperger’s Syndrome for the last few years, I’ve come to understand that I will never approach anything with the same range of emotions, feelings, thoughts, and opinions as my wife, my brothers, my sisters, my parents, my friends, or my kids. It’s just not going to happen.

It’s taken me a while, and I still struggle with it, but I’ve tried to accept that. Tried to be okay with that fact, and to not let it stop me from doing it anyway.

The more I realize there’s no such thing as “normal”, the easier it becomes to work on being the best version of me I can be. To find that balance in my life and my personality between all of the various elements that make up my personality.

Stop worrying about being “normal” or not. F**k normal! It doesn’t exist, and the voices that tell you that you’re living up to that standard are 100% wrong.

F**k normal, and anyone who tries to hold you up to some nonexistent standard.

Instead, find your balance. Take your strengths and weaknesses, your neuroses and mental deficiencies, your dreams, thoughts, habits, and opinions, and find the healthy balance in your life.

Balance will make you happy; “normal” will make you feel even worse because there’s no way you can live up to that imaginary standard.

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What the Heck is My Purpose?

Why?

That’s probably a question most of us ask ourselves at some point in our lives.

“Why do I exist?”

“Why was I put on this world?”

“Why do I act, think, and feel the way I do?”

Recently, as I was struggling through a particularly difficult part of Steel and Valor (The Silent Champions Book 3), I found myself asking the same question.

“Why am I pushing myself so hard at this?”

Why was I stressing myself out, pushing myself beyond the limits of my endurance, and risking burnout over something that is, for all intents and purposes, simply a story?

Yes, a very visceral, real story that I’m highly passionate about, but at the end of the day, “just one more” story among millions.

As usual, that led to the bigger-picture question of “Why do I believe I’m the one to tell this story—or any story? Why would people listen to what I have to say?”

Of course, that’s just the lovely voice of anxiety and self-doubt that comes with being an artist. I’ve learned to shut that voice down pretty quickly—usually by throwing myself fully into whatever project I’m working on until I forget about those feelings—but this time, I stepped back and examined it.

I didn’t give in to the anxiety or self-doubt, but I DID take a look at that question.

Why?

Do I believe I was called to be a writer? I do believe my stories will bring good into this world, but I don’t expect them to be literary gold or bring about some spiritual or cultural enlightenment.

Do I believe I deserve to be an author? I work as hard at it as anyone else—harder than many, I’ll admit—but I’m honest enough to acknowledge that there are many vastly more skilled than I am.

Do I believe it’s my purpose in life? I want to say yes, because when I write, I feel like I’m doing the right thing. Like everything is right in the world because I’m sitting down and writing. But I’m not ego-centric enough to believe that some higher power put me on Earth for the sake of telling stories.

It’s a strange thought journey to go on, but it led me to the real question: what is my purpose?

The same question most of us have asked at some point. The one that doesn’t really have an answer.

The word “purpose” means “the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists”. Or, put in other words, your reason for existing. That thing you were MEANT to do.

Explained like that, it sounds a lot like fate or destiny. While those concepts are fun on the pages of a story, they’re far less “realistic” than I’d like to believe for myself.

Was I really put on Earth to achieve something? Was I brought into existence by some higher power—or pure random chance—for a specific purpose?

In all truth, I can’t really find an answer to that question.

But you know what? I’m actually okay with it!

I don’t need to have some pre-determined purpose or reason for existing. I don’t need something telling me that I “should” do this because it’s why I was created. I don’t need a calling or something to make me special.

It’s enough to know that I’m here, that I’m alive, that I exist. Perhaps not for some specific purpose, yet here I stand, as existing as the coffee mug on my desk or the computer clacking away beneath my very real fingers.

As I dive back into the project that sparked this momentary existential crisis, it’s enough to know that I have something to look forward to, something to impel me onward.

I can stop asking “what’s my purpose in life?” Instead, I can focus on doing whatever it is that makes me passionate and brings me joy, and make those things my purpose.

In the end, I’d consider that a win!

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The Many Faces of Loss

After a year of waiting, I FINALLY got to go to the cinema to watch Avengers: Endgame last weekend.

Boy, was it worth it!

Some heart-breaking moments, some huge laugh-out-loud scenes, some spine-tingling thrills, and a whole lot of comic book goodness.

But you know what really struck me the hardest: the grief.

As (I really hope) you know, half of the world’s population was evaporated by “The Snap” at the end of Avengers: Infinity War. Half the world’s population—brothers, sisters, parents, children, friends, loved ones.

Grief is the #1 emotion at the beginning of Endgame. Grief over lost family and friends.

Each of the characters in the movie had lost someone. (Don’t worry, no spoilers!) And each of them dealt with grief in their own way. Some “imploded”, internalizing their grief and carrying it in silence. Others lashed out or found targets upon whom to unleash their anger and sorrow. Still others tried to channel it into something productive, something to help others.

Every reaction felt genuine. Everyone bore that burden of grief, the pain of loss, but their way of coping with it was so different that together they portrayed a fascinating picture of how we, as humans, process grief.

In Steel and Valor (The Silent Champions #3), the main character, Captain Aravon, deals with some serious losses of his own. He is very much the “implosive” personality type, the one who internalizes his anguish and emotions and tries to deal with them inside his heart and head.

Perhaps that was why the grieving scenes in Avengers: Endgame stuck out so much. I was thinking about grief, walking myself through the character’s process of coming to terms with those losses, and it was fascinating to see other perspectives on how people cope with it.

That, of course, led me to doing a bit of research into grief and the grieving process, all so I could better write my Captain Aravon character. And as I was reading up on grief, I found that there are a lot of different types.

Or, more accurately, we grieve over a number of different losses.

First and foremost, of course, is the loss of a loved one. When someone we love dies, that leaves a hole in our hearts and lives. It fills us with sorrow at their absence, at the life that could have been but now never will be.

But a big one that most of us never think about is a loss of identity. Divorce (losing the identity of “husband/wife”), being fired (losing the identity of “employee”), and having your children leave home (losing the identity of “parent”) are all losses of identity that can bring on that sort of grief.

As someone who is watching their teenaged children get jobs, start their own lives, and move out of my house, that’s one I’m very familiar with.

Loss of safety is another huge one. Our massive car accident in 2009 still has my wife feeling nervous when we drive on the highway, or when we have to hit the brakes for a sudden stop. She lost that feeling of safety in the car, and even 10 years later, it’s still a loss that she’s coping with.

Eviction, housing instability, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, trauma from violence, and romantic infidelity can all shake our feelings of safety and security, causing that feeling of loss that may never fully go away unless we process it.

For people with degenerative health illnesses, sudden disabilities, declining health, or serious financial setbacks, loss of autonomy is another one. Sometimes from one day to the next, you lose the feelings of control and independence you once had, and you feel the ability to manage your life slipping from your grasp.

One example that springs to mind is Terry Pratchett. One of the greatest fantasy writers of all time, yet his mind was being slowly eroded by Alzheimer’s. I can only imagine the horror he felt, the pain of knowing that one of the most important things in his life—his creativity and imagination—was being destroyed by an inexorable illness.

A very disorientating type of loss is the loss of dreams or expectations. The actor who fails in Hollywood and has to head home to work a “normal” job. The student who realizes they’re not suited for that career they’d believed their first choice. The athlete who suffers a career-ending injury. People who have always wanted children, yet who struggle with infertility. People horrified at watching their country go to hell in a handbasket because the wrong people took control (sound familiar?).

All of these losses can trigger the same feelings of grief as the loss of a loved one, and they should be treated similarly. Understanding that these are very real, very emotional losses can help you put life into perspective, and set you on the path through the mourning process.

Only by going through will you be able to come out the other side. Perhaps not happier for the loss you’ve sustained, but with a deeper knowledge of yourself and the reasons behind your actions and feelings.

 

 

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For Your Voting Consideration…

I am honored to once again have a book in the running for the RONE Awards!

This year, it is Queen of the Night Guild that’s up for an award for Best Fantasy Fiction.

The end of Ilanna’s story–the final episode of vengeance, justice, and the desperate fight for survival in her grim, dark city–brings closure to her journey through the world of the Night Guild and her life as a thief. It’s the consummation of everything she schemed, fought, and bled for in her previous two books, all come full circle in one glorious clash against fellow criminals, cutthroat enemies, and the most powerful men in her city.

If you’d consider voting for it in the nominations, I’d be eternally grateful. Of course, there are so many amazing books to choose from, so just get over to the page and vote for your favorites!

Voting is Here

Thank you for taking the time!

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The Bad Side of “Good” Personality Traits

According to many schools of thinking, there are five main traits that determine our personality. Also known as “the Big Five”, they are:

Extraversion/Intraversion
Emotional Stability/Neuroticism
Conscientious/Disorganized
Agreeableness/Disagreeableness
Open-mindedness/Closed-mindedness

At a glance, it’s probably pretty easy to see which side of these personality traits are the “good” ones.

It’s easier to succeed in life as an extrovert, thanks to a better ability to interact with and relate to people. Emotionally stable people always have an easier time in life than the more neurotic types. And being agreeable and open-minded just makes good sense.

We all find ourselves wanting to be closer to the “good” end of the personality spectrum. Sadly, many of us end up on the “bad” side—the neurotic, introverted, disorganized, often disagreeable, sometimes closed-minded side.

But are these sides really all that bad? Yes, they may not be the positive traits we as a society have come to see as “ideal”, but you’ll find that the “good” isn’t always all that good, either.

How is that the case?

Open-minded people tend to be more creative, and they are more open to new experiences and encounters. Good, right?

Well, did you know they’re also more susceptible to gullibility and being deceived? Not only that, but some experts believe there’s a correlation between open-mindedness and vulnerability to certain mental illnesses.

Emotional stability is all the rage—after all, you can have more stable romantic relationships, have less stress and anxiety, and tend to live happier lives.

But it’s not all good. Emotional stability can come at a cost of vigilance. More neurotic types are more sensitive to cues that could alert them to relationship desertion, infidelity, and the things in life that could trigger anxiety and stress. Their neuroticism makes them more aware of the potential for things to go wildly wrong.

Extroverts get a pretty good reputation, as they are more prone to be charming, have higher social status, benefit from a larger social network, have more sexual partners, and tend to be more attractive as potential mates than introverts. All things we want, right?

Here’s a downside: they’re also at higher risk of accidents, tend to suffer from harsher dissolutions of their relationships, and are more likely to die young—all the result of their extroverted tendencies.

Conscientiousness is definitely a good thing, both in potential romantic partners and in the workplace. Not only does it mean they are more faithful and trustworthy, but they are more organized and focused on the task at hand.

On the other hand, higher conscientiousness is often linked to reduced mating opportunities. Not to mention the higher levels of stress and anxiety that come with trying to be an organized person in a highly chaotic world.

Agreeable romantic partners and professional coworkers will always be well-liked among their peers. They have smoother social interactions and experience better cooperation from their counterparts. All good!

But, on the flip side, they’re far less likely to get ahead at the workplace, and they tend to have lower social status than more disagreeable types. Nice guys/girls finish last, remember?

What’s the point I’m trying to make with  all this?

Simple: just because you’ve got a “good” personality trait, it’s not always “good”. The same holds true for personality traits considered “bad”.

We are who we are. Whether we were created this way or just came to be the way we are. While it is possible to change ourselves to our cores, there may be no need to. Or, at the very least, you may not need the “total personality overhaul” you believe you do.

Think of your personality the way the Chinese approach the concept of yin and yang. There is a bit of bad in every good and a bit of good in every bad. And because of that, there is balance in the world—balance in who you are as a person!

Accept those traits, good or bad. Because, in the end, they are what make you who you are.

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Embrace All Your Emotions: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

You ever have those REALLY bad days?

You know the ones: the days where everything just seems to go from bad to worse, and you just can’t catch a break. The days when you find yourself feeling stressed, overwhelmed, angry, or frustrated.

I’m pretty sure we’ve all had days like that!

On those bad days, it can be tough to feel any sort of positive emotion. Happiness is out the door, and contentment is a distant memory beneath the irritation, anger, helplessness, stress, or the feelings of being utterly and totally overwhelmed.

Those are the days when the “bad” emotions really stand out. We snap at others. We’re short-tempered. We can’t even bring ourselves to smile through the tears that we’re crying because we’re emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted.

We all have a tendency to tell ourselves that those emotions really are “bad”. There’s this little voice in our heads—our inner voices and the voices of society at large—telling us that we need to be happy, that we can’t let those emotions get to us.

But that is absolutely not the case!

One article on Psychology Today compared our moods and emotions to the weather:

“Just like our minds, on the earth it rains, then the sun comes out, then it gets foggy. There are many more changes and they will continue to flux and cycle. The key is that there is no inherent goodness or badness about each of the earth’s weather states. Sunshine isn’t inherently better than rain whether we prefer it or not; both sunshine and rain are simply passing states the earth cycles through.”

Now take the word “weather” and replace it with “emotions”.

Just like it can be sunny one minute and raining the next, it’s possible to be happy one minute and angry, stressed, sad, or overwhelmed the next. Does that make it bad? No, just like rain or snow aren’t inherently bad. They simply are.

You have no control over the weather. You have no control over your mood. You’ll have as much luck telling yourself “Be happy” as you would telling the sky “Give me rain!”

Our society is built upon the pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain. In our lives, we want to find the “good” things, anything that makes us “happy”, while avoiding all the “bad” things that make us feel sad, angry, scared, stressed, or helpless.

But, as you well know, there’s really no avoiding all those “bad” things.

So stop seeing them as bad! No matter how irritating that rain is when you want to go have a picnic at the park, it’s crucial for watering the soil and replenishing water sources. No matter how hard it is to feel the “negative” emotions, they’re a crucial part of the changing, dynamic state that is your mood.

Emotions are incredibly fluid. We can shift between one emotional state to the next in record time, but while we’re in each state, those emotions can feel all-consuming. We’ve developed an instinctive desire to quickly get out of the “bad” emotions and into the “good” ones. After all, it feels better to be happy!

But that’s not really the case. Each emotion serves a purpose. Anger allows you to explore the things that frustrate you. Sadness gives you a deeper understanding of the things that hurt you or make you feel isolated, alienated, misunderstood, or forgotten. Stress shows you your limitations. Every emotion is there for a reason—if you’re always running from one to the next, you’ll miss out on their value.

Quit thinking of them as good or bad emotions. Instead, simply FEEL them.

Be aware of each emotion, and treat them as an individual component of your overall emotional makeup. Examine them, dive into what’s triggering them, and use them to help you grow in your understanding of yourself and others.

And trust that the emotional state, no matter how negative and all-consuming it appears to be, will pass. Glean the important information you can from each emotion while it lasts, and accept that soon enough, the sun is going to come out!

 

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Ascension of Death is Finally Here!

I’m so excited, because it means that ANOTHER series is finished.

That’s right, my third full series has come to an end!

I still remember the feeling of overwhelm that came while writing Queen of the Night Guild, the last of the Queen of Thieves novels. I’d never finished any series before, so there was this stress that I had to “do it right” and wrap things up perfectly or else it would be a letdown for the other two books.

Did I still get that feeling with this novel? Absolutely! After all, I’d spent four books building up to this big climax, so I had to get it right.

But there was a certain sense of “I got this!” that I didn’t have with the Queen of Thieves or even the Hero of Darkness series. With Heirs of Destiny, I’d had the experience of finishing two other series, so I knew a bit more of what to expect.

The good news: Ascension of Death isn’t exactly an ending…

While the Heirs of Destiny story—the journey to Shalandra, the mission to steal the Blade of Hallar and the Crown of the Pharus, and the battle to save the City of the Dead from itself—is complete, it’s not the end for all our characters.

On the second-to-last chapter of Aisha’s story, I found myself writing in something that totally blew my mind. Something that solved the Hunter’s dilemma from Darkblade Savior (Hero of Darkness Book 6).

What this means is that SOME of the characters will once again return to the world of Einan in future stories. I won’t spoil it by telling you who, but I will say that once you read this story, you will have a much better idea of how the future Hero of Darkness books might go. And, which of the characters will show up in the Hunter’s journey to save the world from demons and the Great Destroyer.

Ascension of Death is probably one of the most SURPRISING books I’ve written, simply because I went into it planning to write an end to this series, and found myself writing a future for all of the world I’ve created. I still don’t know how big the consequences of this series will be for the world at large—it’ll have a direct impact on the Hunter, that’s for sure!—but I know that something about what happened here will have long-lasting effects on Einan.

And that’s absolutely exciting!

I hope that you enjoy it as much as the rest of the Heirs of Destiny novels, and that it gives you a satisfying resolution to the amazing stories of Evren, Hailen, Kodyn, Aisha, Briana, and Issa. These young characters are very near and dear to my heart, and I thank you for following along on this epic journey with me.

Ascension of Death

Surrounded and trapped, no help in sight. The end of their mission…or the path to destiny?

Shalandra has fallen. Monsters of legend have risen from their graves to claim the City of the Dead.

Kodyn and Evren have only one hope of stopping the evil Iron Warlord: break into the holiest, most secure stronghold in the city and steal ancient relics imbued with world-shattering magics.

Issa joins the ranks of Shalandra’s elite warriors in a desperate clash against the nightmare hordes flooding the streets and slaughtering every man, woman, and child.

Aisha will face her greatest challenge yet, harnessing her mystical abilities to not only turn the tide of battle, but stop the prophesied Final Destruction.

In the epic struggle to save their city, these young heroes will give their all to win the impossible battle—one that could decide the fate of the world!

Find it on Amazon

 

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Cover Reveal: Darkblade Avenger (Defenders of Legend Omnibus #1)

I’ve been sitting on this AMAZING cover for so long, but today is the day I finally get to show it to you!

Let me take you through the creative journey of the spectacular artist Felix Ortiz…

First, he started with a simple sketch:

Pretty epic pose, right? Flared cloak, bad-ass swords, getting ready to kill people. Gotta love it!

But, inspiration led in a different direction for this one…

Ooh, now we’re cooking with gas! Let’s see the Hunter kick guardsman’s ass.

Why Grown-Ass Adults Still Need Superheroes

Last month, Captain Marvel. Now, Shazam. Soon, Avengers Endgame.

I love all these superhero movies! Not only are they a great throwback to my younger days when I was a comic book addict (shh, it’s our not-so-well-kept secret!), but they’re fun, action-packed stories that usually leave me feeling good and happy after watching them.

But it turns out there’s more to it than just the thrill of seeing superheroes punch bad guys, hit stuff with a hammer, or save the world…

It stems from our desire to be exceptional!

We’ve all seen those quotes about “dreaming big” or “making a difference in the world”. Inside each of us, there is an inherent need to leave our stamp on the world in some way.

For some people, it’s having a family to remember them. For others, it’s leaving a professional legacy, like making an important scientific discovery or winning a Nobel prize.

This stems from our “fear of extinction”, one of the five primal fears that every human being has. By leaving our mark on the word, by being exceptional in some way, we will never “cease to exist” even after we die. We will be remembered because of what we did or who we were!

Superheroes are exactly that: exceptional. We remember them because of who they are and what they do. We, as humans, want to be equally exceptional and memorable.

Thus, we look up to superheroes because they embody the qualities we admire.

An article from Psychology Today has an interesting take on the Superhero phenomenon:

“There is in many men a striving for that which is larger than life, for the outsized, the unusual.  At its most basic it’s a need to break boundaries and expand the existing norms. There is an admiration for those who succeed in doing this:  those who break the boundaries of the static and the known and show us what else is possible.”

We, as humans, want to break out of the “norm” and be truly magnificent. We want people to look up at us—during and after our lives—with the same admiration the people of Metropolis look at Superman.

But superheroes are so much more than just food for our egos…

Most superheroes tend to be “mild-mannered” in their daily lives: Clark Kent the reporter, Peter Parker the nerdy kid, and Captain America, the pipsqueak before he was turned into a superhero.

When we read about these utterly normal people doing amazing things, it instills in us the hope that we, too, could harbor a superhero beneath our garb of normalcy. It builds into our identities the belief that, when the time comes, we will rise to the challenge.

And I’d like to think that’s what will actually happen! That when someone has need of me, for whatever reason, I’ll emulate my heroes from movies, comic books, and novels. That I’ll step up and make the right choice, take action, sacrifice myself, or do whatever it takes to make the world a better place.

It doesn’t matter that I’m a grown-ass adult with a family and job—having a role model like that to emulate is, I believe, a good thing.

After all, the world could use a few more heroes, right? Even if Superman and Captain America don’t really exist, there’s a little bit of them in all of us.

And that gives me hope for a better world!

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