Dave Zeltserman's Blog, page 6
June 9, 2024
A Taste of Julius Katz and the Ruined Roast
(an excerpt from Detectives and Spies)
THREEsections. Four different types of mystery and crime stories.
Whether it’s the brilliant Boston detective Julius Katz, orhis sister Julia, the first three stories in the KATZ section are traditionalmysteries. A crime has been committed, the potential suspects are questioned,and the guilty party is exposed. While the fourth story in the KATZ section, Archie’s Been Stolen!, has the samestyle, tone and humor as all the other Julius Katz and Archie stories, it’s acaper. There’s no mystery to solve, only a heist of sorts to commit.
The three stories in the BRICK section are crime thrillersfeaturing investigator Morris Brick, his bull terrier Parker, and the rest ofthe MBI team. These stories and the five Morris Brick novels that I wrote underthe Jacob Stone pseudonym for Kensington have similar humor and style, arefast-paced, and are populated by hardened criminals and mobsters. Where theydiffer is the novels have very bad people committing horrific acts while thestories are lighter. While there’s plenty of danger in these stories,ultimately no one gets badly hurt.
The two stories in the STONE section features Hell’s onlyoperating private eye, Mike Stone, from my novel Everybody Lies in Hell. Evenwith the unique setting and the fantastic elements, such as souls beingtormented by demons and demonic racing horses that bite the heads off ofjockeys, these are hardboiled PI stories. These stories are about strippingaway the self-deceptions and lies we tell ourselves to expose the ugly truthsunderneath, and there’s not much more hardboiled than that!
So given that these are all mystery and crime stories, whythe title Detectives and Spies? Whileall the stories have either detectives or spies acting as detectives, three ofthe stories are a merging of the mystery and spy genres.
JULIUS KATZ AND THE RUINED ROAST
AT ten-fourteen a.m. Julius put downthe daily edition of the Boston Globe, got up from behind his desk and perusedhis bookshelves before selecting a biography of the Word War Two spy, VirginiaHall. He had found excuses to turn down the last five potential clients whowere desperate to hire him, so why not spend the rest of the day loafing justlike he had the past week? Me, I felt a jangling throughout, which I knew frompast experience was a sensation akin to nervousness. The reason? It appeared asif my plans were about to go kaput thanks to a late delivery. My first threetext messages all got the same response, and my last one went unanswered. Sinceall I could do was wait, that’s what I did. Two minutes later I would’ve sighedin relief if I had lungs, but since I don’t, I simply imagined myself doing so.Seven seconds after that the doorbell rang.
Juliusignored the doorbell. He didn’t even bother to ask me to check the outdoorwebcam feed to see who it was. I waited until he turned to the next page of hisbook before telling him that three boxes of pastries had been left outside hisdoor.
Annoyancetightened his lips for all of 110 milliseconds. “Archie, please explain thereason for this,” he said with forced patience.
“Nothingtoo nefarious,” I said. “I ordered them, although they were supposed to havebeen delivered an hour and five minutes ago. You really should retrieve thembefore squirrels, or worse, make a meal out of them.”
IfJulius was curious about my motive, he didn’t show it. Instead he took his timereading another page before telling me in a rather curt tone that I should callaround to find someone who would pick up the food before it attracts pests tohis Beacon Hill townhouse.
“Sure,if that’s what you want, but it would be a shame. The order is from Lenora’sBakery and it includes six of their famous chocolate pecan roses, which aredamned hard to get even though as far as I can tell they’re little more than afancy brioche roll baked into the shape of a rose.”
Thatgot Julius to put his book down. He wasn’t about to give me the satisfaction ofrunning, but still, he moved at a determined pace to retrieve the pastries,which was what I expected given all the recent hullabaloo about Lenora’s aftertheir roses were proclaimed by the Globe’s food critic to be a regionaltreasure. Julius would have ordered some himself, except the bakery’s policywas not to take orders for the roses. Instead it was first come first serve,and they only baked a few hundred each morning and would sell out within a halfhour of their seven a.m. opening. At that time each morning Julius would beengaged in his two-hour martial arts workout, which was something he wasn’tabout to forego even for a morning pastry that the critics called beyond exquisite. I got lucky when Icalled to wheedle a delivery from them. While Lenora Chapel, the owner of thebakery, kept the recipe for the roses a well-guarded secret, she suspected thata recently fired employee had brought her recipe for something called a peach-hazelnut snail to a rival bakeryand wanted to know if this person was working there. A little hacking on mypart proved Lenora correct, which was all her lawyer needed to issue a ceaseand desist letter, and hence the delivery this morning.
Juliuswaited until he had brought the boxes of pastries safely back to his office andwas able to examine them and verify that the prized rolls were indeed includedbefore asking how I had managed this.
“Alittle wheeling and dealing on my part,” I said. “Nothing for you to beconcerned about.”
Julius’seyelids lowered an eighth of an inch. He asked, “Who did you arrange to comehere this morning?”
“Is itimpossible to believe that I got you those roses and other treats out of thegoodness of my heart, even though I don’t have one?”
“Archie,please, none of this sophistry.”
“Fine.The four main suspects for the Charlie Lacey murder. They want to hire you.”
Thatbrought a thin smile to him. “Archie, I am grateful for these pastries, but ifyou thought that I would reciprocate by meeting with them, then you need torecalibrate your neuron network.”
Ofcourse, I never thought that even for a microsecond. I fully understand howstubborn Julius is. When the news broke that the comic Charlie Lacey droppeddead of cyanide poisoning during the middle of his roast at a Cambridge comedyclub, Julius claimed that the reputed mob boss Billy Quinn was the murderersimply because the news reported that Quinn was in attendance. It didn’t matterthat Quinn was there only because Lacey was his godson and that the police hadruled him out as a suspect, Julius wasn’t about to admit he had made a mistake.This was sort of like Schrödinger’s cat—as long as Lacey’s murder wasn’tsolved, Quinn could both be the murderer and not the murderer, and Julius couldbe both right and wrong.
“That’snot what I was thinking,” I told Julius. “I wanted to get you those rosesbecause I knew how much you wanted them, especially since they’ll be a nicesurprise for Lily when she gets back from visiting her parents. But I did thinkthe gesture would soften you up enough to listen to reason. Forget thepublicity you’d get from this case, the four suspects coming here are willingto put a hundred grand in escrow for you simply agreeing to take the case,which works out to 57,550 dollars after taxes, and that should be enough for youto make the winning bid for a bottle of 1990 Domaine Georges & ChristopheRoumier Musigny Grand Cru that goes up for auction this Saturday.”
Thatgot Julius’s attention, as well it should since this was a vintage he’d beentrying to acquire for years. He contemplated the matter for all of three pointtwo seconds before telling me that a twenty-five thousand dollar bid should besufficient.
“Thatmight be true,” I said. “That’s what the wine is supposed to be worth, but thelast bottle that went up for auction sold for 52,500 dollars. But whether you’dhave to pay twenty-five grand or more for that fermented bottle of grape juiceis irrelevant since you can’t pay that much and also cover your next twomonths’ expenses unless you cut out your expensive dinners at Le Che Cru withLily and skip the illegal poker game next Friday at Phil Weinstein’s restaurantand its ten grand buy-in.”
Julius’stone held a petulant note as he said, “You’re assuming I’ll be losing my buy-ininstead of walking away from the game with substantial winnings.”
“Yeah,I know, you’re a world-class poker player, and you should clean and fillet theguppies you’ll be playing with, but luck’s a funny thing, especially bad luck,and I remember nights when you’ve done everything right and still busted out.If you’d like I can provide you specifics.”
Juliussat stone-faced while he drummed the fingers on his right hand against hisdesk’s surface, which was always a clear sign that he was annoyed with me.“Blast it,” he said after five point seven seconds of drumming. “I already toldyou who the murderer is.”
“Yeah,I know. Billy Quinn. The video recording of the roast that the police tookcustody of hasn’t helped them make an arrest. Maybe if I were able to find it,you’d pinpoint where it showed Quinn poisoning Lacey’s drink, but I’ve hackedall of the Cambridge Police Department’s computers, and I can’t find the videorecording on any of them. So prove the impossible and earn yourself thathundred grand.”
Juliusbrooded for the next eight point three seconds, but from the way he grimaced hemust’ve decided that he wanted the bottle of Grand Cru more than the luxury ofspending his time goofing off, and even more than opening up the box with hisown version of Schrödinger’s cat and having to admit that his earlierill-formed opinion was wrong.
Heasked, “Archie, when will that mob be descending on my door?”
Fourcomics were now a mob? I didn’t argue the point and instead told him that theywere scheduled to arrive in eight minutes.
He casta glum look at the box filled with Lenora’s acclaimed roses. “That doesn’tleave me enough time to properly appreciate one of them,” he said.
“Yeah,well, I’m sorry about that. As I told you the delivery was late.” I simulatedtaking a breath and holding it, which for me was pausing my central processingunit for fifty milliseconds, then said, “There’s still time for me to cancelthe meeting if you want.”
Julius’sexpression turned glummer, but otherwise he didn’t bother to answer me. He gotup from his chair and brought the boxes of pastries to his kitchen.
(continued in Detectives and Spies)
May 7, 2024
A poem
I'm going through old papers and found a poem I had written many years. I don't know when I wrote it, but since I had used a typewriter, it would either have been in high school or college. In any case, here's my one and only attempt at poetry:
Tilling the Soil
The beast is in the yoke
And I at the harness
For together through muddy fieldsof hope and ideasWe Plow
Through the hypocrisythe stone strewned bureaucracy We toil
Turning over old phrasesTo reveal implicit mazesWhich dissipate through theTop soil
Man and beast we workScratching the earthPreparing for next season's harvestBut waitThe beast wheezes and sneezes andOh JesusFreezes my glands as
Hairy thorns sproutAnd tales of Germans flow outAmidst this beastly transformationSo with a whirling and chirlingAnd new-born talons churningThe beats-monster is free from my serviceTo debauch my dreamsWith random desire andFrenzied malice deep in mire
February 21, 2024
More Julius Katz and Archie On sale now!
"The puzzles are clever, and Zeltserman plays fair with readers. Stout devotees will be delighted with this loving homage." Publishers Weekly (starred review)
February 10, 2024
Jury Box review of Detectives and Spies
In the March/April issue of Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine, Steven Steinbock offers the following review of Detectives and Spies in his Jury Box column: Zeltserman, who has garnered multiple EQMM Readers Awards as well as the Derringer and Shamus awards, has brought together nine stories, the first four featuring an artificial-intelligence device called Archie Smith, followed by three stories about former L.A. cop Morris Brick and two hardboiled crime stories featuring Hell’s only private eye, Mike Stone. Most of the stories first appeared in EQMM or in its sister publication Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine. My favorites are the stories about Archie, especially relevant with AI constantly in the news. Archie, a “highly-sophisticated neuron network,” serves as Watson to private eye Julius Katz in the first two stories, then is passed on to Katz’s sister, international spy Julia Katz, for the next two. Reading these tales is like playing a lively game of Clue, except with more colorful characters and an AI at your side.
December 12, 2023
Detectives and Spies available now!
December 5, 2023
New mystery collection featuring stories with Julius Katz + Morris Brick + Mike Stone
THREEsections. Four different types of mystery and crime stories.
Whether it’s the brilliant Boston detective Julius Katz, orhis sister Julia, the first three stories in the KATZ section are traditionalmysteries. A crime has been committed, the potential suspects are questioned,and the guilty party is exposed. While the fourth story in the KATZ section, Archie’s Been Stolen!, has the samestyle, tone and humor as all the other Julius Katz and Archie stories, it’s acaper. There’s no mystery to solve, only a heist of sorts to commit.
The three stories in the BRICK section are crime thrillersfeaturing investigator Morris Brick, his bull terrier Parker, and the rest ofthe MBI team. These stories and the five Morris Brick novels that I wrote underthe Jacob Stone pseudonym for Kensington have similar humor and style, arefast-paced, and are populated by hardened criminals and mobsters. Where theydiffer is the novels have very bad people committing horrific acts while thestories are lighter. While there’s plenty of danger in these stories,ultimately no one gets badly hurt.
The two stories in the STONE section features Hell’s onlyoperating private eye, Mike Stone, from my novel Everybody Lies in Hell. Evenwith the unique setting and the fantastic elements, such as souls beingtormented by demons and demonic racing horses that bite the heads off ofjockeys, these are hardboiled PI stories. These stories are about strippingaway the self-deceptions and lies we tell ourselves to expose the ugly truthsunderneath, and there’s not much more hardboiled than that!
So given that these are all mystery and crime stories, whythe title Detectives and Spies? Whileall the stories have either detectives or spies acting as detectives, three ofthe stories are a merging of the mystery and spy genres.
Kindle and paperback editions of Detective and Spies will be available in one week!
November 18, 2023
My Julius Katz paperback collection
With 'Detective and Spies' coming out Dec. 12th, I gave a hard look at the paperback versions of my other Julius Katz books and ended up redoing 'Julius Katz and Archie' and 'More Julius Katz and Archie.' The change to 'More Julius Katz and Archie' was simply changing the font to Garamond 12-pt, which I'm using for all of these books, and which I decided is (for me) the ideal font for a book. Along with changing the font for 'Julius Katz and Archie', I also changed the size of the paperback from 6in x 9 in, to 5 in by 8 in, which I think is a much more attractive size. I also a cover designed as opposed to using Amazon's cover creator for the original paperback. The new paperback design:
This new version will be available for purchase on Dec. 1st. With these changes, I now have a set of paperbacks that Julius Katz fans will be proud to put on their shelves, and will have (in my opinion) the perfect font and size for reading.
November 14, 2023
Coming Dec. 12th -- Detectives and Spies
Katz. Brick. Stone. Traditional mysteries. Crime thrillers. Hardboiled PI. The Katz section has 4 stories, including a new novella, "Julius Katz and the Ruined Roast." The Brick section has 3 stories, including the new story "James & Bond." The Stone section has two PI in Hell stories starring my PI from Everybody Lies in Hell.
Detectives and Spies will be available as a kindle ebook and paperback on Dec 12th.
November 11, 2023
My horror+crime novel Blood Crimes on sale for $0.99
Blood Crimes is a genre-bending collision of dark urban fantasy and crime that rides shot-gun with Jim and Carol as they carve a homicidal path cross-country. Jim is infected with the vampire virus. Carol isn't. Yet. But they're united in their hunt for society’s most dangerous predators for Jim's dinner -- so he can feed without harming the innocent. What they don't know is that they're not alone. There are others on their trail, and the climax of Blood Crimes is a shocking jolt of pure mayhem and rock 'n roll violence.
October 8, 2023
For this Halloween season
I might be better known for my crime and mystery fiction, but I've also written a few horror novels should provide the necessary chills and atmosphere for this upcoming Halloween season:
"Classic pulp, noir, and horror--think James N. Cain and Bukowski and Palahniuk--are all ground up in a blender and the result is a nasty, wild, and ultimately redemptive novel that only Dave Zeltserman could write." Paul Tremblay
"A superb mix of humor and horror...Zeltserman orchestrates events perfectly...Readers will keep turning pages to see how the ambiguous plot resolves." -- Publishers Weekly (starred review)
"Zeltserman's monster is every bit as eloquent as Shelley's, though his rage is more focused. This is juicy material for Franken-fans, and Zeltserman is just faithful enough to the original that his many fresh contributions feel entirely normal. Well, abnormal, to be accurate, but deliciously so." Daniel Kraus, Booklist (*Starred Review*)
"The story is at once tender, brutal, fantastic, and vibrantly real. A unique and splendid novel" ― Booklist Starred Review
"The sympathy that Zeltserman invokes on behalf of Henry is heartbreaking, and readers will fully believe in both the madness and the greatness of his tragic young hero." -- Publishers Weekly (starred review)
"Dave, has managed to meld the two genres of crime and horror into one hell of a ride, PI's, crime lords, drug gangs, sultry babes and more low life scum than you can count all collide with explosive results in this genre bending masterpiece. If you like crime buy this book, if you like horror buy this book, if you like well written books, buy this book." Jim Mcleod, Ginger Nuts of Horror
"This fast-paced, gritty psychological tale balances the fine line between mystery and horror" Library Journal
