Sarah Robinson's Blog, page 5

2017: The Year of ‘Me First’

Burlington Earth Clock, Vermont

 

On the last day of 2016, I stood in the center of the Burlington Earth Clock and thought about time. Seems obvious, I know, but stick with me. In (corny) truth, it really was the perfect setting for considering the time behind me and the time stretched out ahead.

2016 was, by far, one of the hardest years of my life. I lost myself so entirely, and hadn’t even seen it coming. By the time I realized I was lost, there were nothing around to help me find my way back.

At first I looked for who was to blame. My job. My marriage. My husband. My town. My house. My “friends.” My family. My anything that wasn’t me. This wasn’t my fault. Someone else gave me bad directions and now here I am, lost and angry.

So goddamn angry. But the anger is good. Really good, actually, because it fueled me. First, in the wrong direction, but at least I was moving, at least I was changing. When I finally realized that lashing out at the world around me wasn’t making me feel any better, I started looking within. I realized that despite all the shitty breaks I’ve had and crappy circumstances (or people) I’ve been forced to deal with, none of those controlled my happiness. Nothing that was happening to me had anything to do with who I was or what would make me happy.

Only I could do that.

And then, I wasn’t so lost anymore. When you are the one drawing the map, it’s impossible to get lost. Everything is in your control…everything is in my control. I can choose to be happy, even in an unhappy place, unhappy time, or with unhappy people. Those things and people aren’t in charge of my soul, my spirit, my mood.

I am in charge.

2017 is going to be the year of “me first,” and I won’t apologize for that selfishness. I’m no good to anyone until I’m good to myself first. Years of putting my needs on the back-burner for other people has taught me that, and taught me that it’s time for a change.

In the coming year, I’m drawing my own map. I’m slowly going to find myself again, and revel in everything that I forgot I once loved about myself.

I’m going to fall in love again, but this time…with me.

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Best of 2016: Sarah’s Favorite Reads & “Writes”

Two days until Christmas, and only a few more after that until 2016 is over (thank freaking goodness because this year has sucked–see why on my blog here or here), so it’s time to share some of my favorite reads of the year! And tell me your favs in the comments!





 


Top Favorite Read of 2016:

 

Born with Teeth by Kate Mulgrew


This is a memoir from Red from OITNB, or Captain Jane from Star Trek Voyager (where I first met her) & it has all the feels. It’s so eloquently, beautifully written that even the sad parts are wonderful. It’s an amazing story of being a young actress in a pre-tech, all-glam Hollywood world. 


 




Other “Read in 2016” Top Favs:


 

Moonshot by Alessandra Torre

This book is ‘MERICA. I loved, loved, loved it. It’s heartwarming and sweet, but sexy and unexpected. In fact, Love, Chloe and Hollywood Dirt by Alessandra Torre were also some of my favorite reads this year so you should probably just buy them all.


 










The Entire Off Campus Series by Elle Kennedy


This whole series is perfect college, new adult romance. I adored the characters, the connected plots, and the alpha males. Easy, happy, wonderful reads. Highly recommend.


 


The Calendar Girl Series by Audrey Carlan


I literally devoured these. How could you not? They were quick, sexy, steamy, and made me seriously want to be a call girl for a hot second. From book one I was like, how is she going to pull this off with 12 books and 12 dudes and make it romance…yet, she did and it was amazing!


 


One More Thing by B.J. Novak


This is a collection of short stories and essays that I listened to on Audible, and man, I loved it. They are laugh out loud funny, very quirky, and take a ton of imagination. It’s so different and unusual, and made me smile. Highly recommend!!!


 


Wifey 101 by Jamie Otis


Aside from being a wonderful friend, Jamie has graced my life this year with a heartfelt, honest memoir about her life. It’s beautiful, eye-opening, and brutally real in a way that makes you reflect on your own life. For anyone who loves memoirs, The Bachelor, or Married At First Sight TV show!


 


Technically, I had a lot more favorites this year, but I can’t list them all! I read over 55 books this year (plus, I wrote 5!). I’m super excited about what’s coming in 2017, and can’t wait to show you guys, but for now, there’s a little recap below with the books I published this year, plus my holiday novella that you can all pick up now!






 


HOLIDAY NOVELLA





Rocker Christmas

by Sarah Robinson

(Only $1.99 & #Free on KU)


From the bestselling FORBIDDEN ROCKERS series (http://amzn.to/2iaosNp) comes the sweet conclusion to Logan Clay’s musical journey to find love. In this holiday novella, Logan and Caroline figure out life after fame, while the rest of Logan’s band members begin to take center stage.


 


 



PUBLISHED IN 2016 BY SARAH ROBINSON





Saving A Legend

by Sarah Robinson

(standalone!)


Ex-con gets out of jail only to fall in love with a florist who is the sole guardian for her special needs little sister.

If that doesn’t sound complicated enough, add in a chaotic Irish family and secrets from the past to make this book one of my all-time favorites!


This is the second book in the Kavanagh Legends series, but all can be read as a standalone!
 





Becoming A Legend

by Sarah Robinson

(new release!)


This is the fighter romance to end all fighter romances.

An MMA National Championship in Vegas, a surprise wedding, a enemies-to-lover favorite, tacos (yeah…), and even some mafia action?

This is part of the Kavanagh Legend series but can be read as a standalone since each novel is about a different Kavanagh brother.

 





Not A Hero: A Bad Boy Marine Romance

by Sarah Robinson

(standalone)


8 years in the Marines, Miles is coming home to care to be with his ailing father…and bringing a lot of secrets, pain, and PTSD with him. When his former high-school classmate turns out to be his father’s new nurse, things get interesting fast.

 

Subscribe to my newsletter to make sure you don’t miss my next release!! Two secret projects coming soon, plus the 4th Kavanagh Legends novel, CHASING A LEGEND!  

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I Have No Answers…But I’ll Find Them

I want to start this post by saying…I’m sorry. You deserve better from me, as my readers and my friends and my family. I also want to say that this post is going to be long, maybe sad, and there isn’t an “I’ll try harder” or “I’ll do better” at the end.

There’s just me saying “this is all I’ve got” and “I have no answers, but I’ll find them.”

[warning for those with triggers, this post gets real]

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

Every December since 2010, I’ve spiraled. Hard. Anxiety hits me like a truck, and depression swoops in to feast on what’s left. I told you all this in my blog post on my website in November about my long struggle with depression. What I didn’t tell you was why or…why now.

I didn’t tell you that at a New Year’s Eve party, only 3 hours into 2010, I was raped and assaulted by a man I trusted. A man I’d considered a best friend. A man I’d considered safe.

For a long list of reasons I may or may not talk about one day, I dealt with this alone. I turned the police officers away in the emergency room when I was being stitched up, and I kept it to myself. I put that night away in a little box and never touched it again.

I spent every year since avoiding New Year Eve celebrations like the plague, always finding an excuse to stay busy. And as the years past, I thought I’d dealt with it. I thought I was okay.

For the first year since, I’m struggling to find the reasons why I’m okay. I’m struggling to remember the distractions I used or what I focused on instead, and for the first time, I’m realizing…I’m not okay. Not even a little bit. I’ve never dealt with this piece of me and never realized that it had already crept out of its box and infected so much of my life. I’m not okay because I’ve never healed, and that is okay. I wasn’t ready then, but I think…I think I’m ready now.

I had a book release ten days ago and I’ve struggled to keep up. I’ve struggled to promote this book the way I normally would, to be online as much as I should, to be as jovial as I should, and I know that’s reflected in how the book is doing. You, as my readers, deserve better than that from me and I’m so sorry.

I know this entire post is different than my usual comedic ramblings or upbeat optimism, but everyone is their own fighting battles and I want to show you both parts of me. I want to be real and open because I need to be, for me, and because I want to be, for you. Because maybe one person will read this post and think…”I’m not alone. I was hurt, too. I haven’t healed, too. I need to heal, too.”

If that’s you, walk this road with me. Feel with me. Heal with me.

I don’t have the answers, but I’m looking for them. I want to feel the same *stars in my eyes* excitement over this book release (because this book is so great and it so deserves that!) that I’ve felt before, but the reality is I’ve closed everything off–both the good and the bad. I can’t feel…anything. And I need to find it again–both for myself, and for my writing.

I need to find me, and I’m going to. I’m going on a trip alone for New Years Eve (thank you Digit Savings for helping me afford it!). I’m spending it by myself in total silence, and not letting a single distraction get between me and healing the parts of me I’ve left broken for so long.

So, this whole post is just me saying I might be stepping back from social media a bit, or seeming a bit off. I might even be a little quieter than before, and I hope you’ll understand. I’m on empty, and I can’t really find where it all went, but it’s gone and I feel, in a way, so am I.

The only thing I do know is I won’t be lost forever. I will find me. I will come back with a roar, beating my chest like a warrior who fought her way out and triumphed. All I really hope for this post and this message is that you’ll be here waiting when I do.

Don’t give up on me. Please.

I haven’t given up on myself.

Above content originally posted on Sarah’s Facebook page here.

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NEW RELEASE: Becoming A Legend, A Kavanagh Legends Novel

From the author of Saving a Legend (“A deep and moving story about family, acceptance, and love.”—Katy Evans) comes another smoldering MMA romance titled BECOMING A LEGEND featuring the Kavanagh brothers, the chiseled alpha males whose real legacy is love.

Kane Kavanagh has always had one goal: being the best mixed martial arts fighter alive. With the MMA National Championships in Las Vegas fast approaching, the man they call “Killer” has no intention of letting anyone or anything get in his way. Somehow, though, a feisty opponent has slipped beneath his guard—and stolen his heart. Fiery and passionate, Nora Hannigan is harder to pin down than any rival Kane has faced in the ring. And she isn’t afraid to tell Kane that she wants nothing to do with him.

With her best friend about to marry into the Kavanagh family, Nora has been resisting Kane’s shameless attempts at flirting for months. But after their undeniable chemistry finally takes over, leading to the hottest night of Nora’s life, she’s running scared. There’s a lot about her life Kane doesn’t know, and she won’t be responsible for ending his career. Now Kane’s out to prove that he’s ready for commitment by winning her heart—and he’s never lost a fight.

Purchase Becoming a Legend:

Amazon US | Amazon UK | Amazon AU | Amazon CA

iBooks | Books a Million | Barnes & Noble

Kobo | Google Play

Penguin Random House

Listen to Becoming a Legend on Audio!

Preorder: Tantor Media | Amazon | Audible

Amazon Whispersync | Barnes & Noble Audio

Add Becoming a Legend (Kavanagh Legends, #3)

to your TBR on Goodreads here!

Read the first 2 chapters of Becoming A Legend here!

Fan-Made Teasers! 

Check out some of these awesome teasers for Becoming A Legend made by book bloggers and readers! Thanks to Prisoners of Print and Collectors of Book Boyfriends & Girlfriends.

Purchase Becoming a Legend:

Amazon US | Amazon UK | Amazon AU | Amazon CA

iBooks | Books a Million | Barnes & Noble

Kobo | Google Play

Penguin Random House

Listen to Becoming a Legend on Audio!

Preorder: Tantor Media | Amazon | Audible

Amazon Whispersync | Barnes & Noble Audio

Check Out the Entire Kavanagh Legends Series!

Read the first two books in the series today! See it here!

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CYBER MONDAY SALE ALERT! Saving A Legend is $0.99!

First Time Ever At Only $0.99!

If you’ve followed me for a while, you know that I only do one or two $0.99 sales a year (mainly because it takes a LOT of work and is exhausting lol!). Well, for the first time ever SAVING A LEGEND is only $0.99 on all retail platforms! And the audio version is only $2.99 if you have the ebook! I’ve never had a sale this good, so grab it while you can!

Ebook➜ $0.99 

Audiobook➜ $2.99

Grab your copy today!

Purchase Saving a Legend as an E-Book for $0.99 This Week Only:

Click on the desired retailer below to purchase!

Amazon US | Amazon CA | Amazon UK | Amazon AU

Barnes & Noble | Kobo | Google Play | Books a Million | iBooks

Penguin Random House

Purchase Saving a Legend on Audio for $2.99 This Week Only:

Amazon CD | Audible | iTunes | Tantor Media

Praised by New York Time Bestselling Author Penelope Ward as “a unique story line with multiple layers to it,” Sarah Robinson’s Saving a Legend goes another round with the brooding Kavanagh brothers: MMA fighters who won’t call it quits in the ring, or in romance.

His family’s gym has produced a roster of mixed martial arts legends, but so far Kieran Kavanagh hasn’t followed in their footsteps. After a brawl lands him in jail, Kieran is assigned to work at a center for at-risk youth. Though given a second chance, Kieran’s simply going through the motions—until he meets one very special kid, Shea Doherty, and falls hard for her very beautiful, very grown-up big sister, Fiona. The trouble is, Kieran’s best opening moves are getting him nowhere fast.

Fiona Doherty has too many responsibilities to fool around, especially now that she has custody of Shea. Sure, she’d love to find a devoted partner. But she won’t jeopardize her sister’s happiness—or risk revealing her tortured past—on a love-’em-and-leave-’em type of guy like Kieran . . . so it’s up to him to prove her wrong. As Fiona spends more time with Kieran, she starts to see a softer side of the reckless warrior. Now she must admit that when it comes to the possibility of real love, well . . . there’s a fighting chance.

Add Saving a Legend (Kavanagh Legends, #2) to your TBR on Goodreads now! 

Already read Saving a Legend?

Preorder the next book in the series here coming in 2 weeks! 

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Sarah’s Top 5 Favorite Apps That Cost $0

Everyone who knows me knows that books are my favorite thing of all the things, because…books. However, in the spirit of Black Friday and Cyber Monday and all the shopping happening this week, I’m going to tell you some of my favorite things that won’t cost you a gosh darn penny and really have nothing to do with writing or reading, because why not?

Here’s a list of my top 5 favorite apps or programs that I use literally every day and kind of make my life. Everything on here, I’ve tried so you can be assured I mean it. However, keep in mind that for some of these I’m also using affiliate links which means I get a little credit, or some times a couple dollars.

TL, DR: We’re talking Digit Savings, theSkimm Daily News, Shine Daily Texts, Breaking News App, and Starbucks Rewards (because, duh).

Anywho, check it out and tell me in the comments which apps you use and love on a daily basis!

When I Can’t Save $ For Sh*t

A friend introduced me to Digit last Spring and it’s seriously been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself (aka, I’ve saved $2,000 without even trying). This is a real bank account (yes, real bank account with FDIC insured and the whole nine yards) that saves for you without you having to do a thing. It basically automatically pulls a few dollars here and there from your checking account and puts them in a Digit Savings Account.

How It Works: Set up the Digit app (also done via text) with your checking account and start saving! That simple! You’ll get weekly alerts (or more/less frequent if you want) and you can set how aggressively it saves for you. You can also transfer $ back to your checking account in 1 business day, and you get $5 if someone signs up with your link (Hint!). It won’t overdraft you either, but if on the off chance it does, it will reimburse you everything including the bank overdraft fee (you can also set it so it doesn’t save if your account is below a certain $ amount just in case this makes you nervous!). Now you’ll have a nice cushion of money for emergencies, or a fun goal like a vacation fund or car fund or whatever else you’re saving for! We’re saving up for a car (or maybe that mythical honeymoon we never had *sigh*).

Learn more about Digit at https://digit.co.

When I Don’t Know What’s Up In The World

Thankfully, a team of snarky, smart, sweet millennials is at the ready to give me the latest news in a less-than-2-minute read in my daily Skimm that goes out to millions of readers, including big-time celebrities like Oprah. Yes, this is Oprah approved! Also, this is bipartisan, so whoever you voted for, you can feel safe reading this!

How It Works: Every Monday through Friday, you get an email about the latest current events happening all around the world. You’ll sound a lot smarter at dinner parties and family gatherings because of it, plus Amazon Echo’s Alexa can read it out loud to you (set that up here) so you’ll feel knowledgable as hell during your morning pee! Side Note: They do have an app that’s $2.99/month and totally awesome and more in depth than the free email, but hey, free is free!

Subscribe to theSkimm today at theskimm.com.

When I Need A Happy Start To My Day

The Shine text has been my lifeline through this election season, and hell, every season. Every Monday through Friday at around 8:30am, I receive an uplifting text message about life, motivations, and positivity.

Here’s an example of the last text I got:

“It is not happy people who are grateful, but grateful people who are happy.” Love. Connectedness. Stretchy pants. Take it all in today, Sarah. #ShineOn

I Didn’t Get Out Of Bed Today, And I Might Not Tomorrow

Trigger Warning: If you’re familiar with my blog, you know things are about to get real AF. You also know you’ll probably feel better at the end of this post than you do now when you realize you’re not alone…or maybe I’m just hoping I’m not alone. Either way, take care of yourself. 

PS: I also curse a bit…because who doesn’t?

 

I didn’t get out of bed today, and I might not tomorrow. I might not the day after tomorrow either, and I’m trying to be okay with that.

I’m being slightly dramatic, since obviously I went to the bathroom and the fridge, then wound up on the couch wrapped in blankets with my laptop…but the feelings are the same.

When I first considered writing this post a few weeks ago, I was going to wait until I was “all better”. Until I was out on the other side, after I’d already reached the bottom and climbed my way up to the top. Because I will be up on my feet again…eventually. That’s how living the last two decades with Major Depressive Disorder works.

For a while, everything is okay. It’s tolerable, and some days, it’s even amazing. You’re happy and chill and things seem like they finally have all worked out. And you’ve earned it because you’ve been there, you’ve been at the bottom, you’ve gone through the worst, and you’ve paid your dues. This is your moment. This is what you were striving for during all those tears. It’s delicious and intoxicating…but it’s also fleeting.

Next come the days that aren’t so great, but not horrible, and that’s okay because it’s still not a depressive episode. It’s still tolerable, and you’re still managing your life.

But even that melts down over a few weeks, or months, or years that are hard. Really fucking hard. Your defenses are knocked down and one day, you just can’t put them back up again.

A little over a year ago, my walls started crumbling. My life suddenly didn’t look anything like I’d anticipated, or wanted. But I’m a strong woman–really damn strong, actually.

So, I powered through and tried to keep a smile on my face, and humor in my words.

I powered through a car accident. Through a miscarriage, then another, then another. I powered through losing people I loved, supports I’d come to depend on, and even the very basics of life–my home, my car, my income, my finances. I powered through losing my freedom, my weekends, or even remembering what a full fridge looks like.

Because I’m a strong woman, I powered through.

And then one day, I didn’t. My walls fell for the last time, and I scrambled like hell to find a way to build them back up, but found myself empty-handed.

I had nothing left.

I know the exact second it happened a little over a month ago now. I remember the feeling…one second I was there, then the next second I wasn’t. There was no specific trigger or reason or traumatic event that deserved this.

I’d  given the very last of what I had, and now I was empty.

It was that simple. It was that fast.

I knew my next depressive episode had started…but no one else did. How could they? I still went through the motions, and met the bare minimums, and smiled when people asked how I was doing. Only my agent saw the pages I wasn’t turning in or the phone calls I wasn’t answering. Only my husband saw the daily tears, or found me  crying curled on the shower floor unable to stand. Only my closest friends saw the emptiness in my eyes and probed further. Only I felt the physical pain of seemingly unbearable heartache throbbing in my chest.

People continued to love and laugh with my online posts or pictures, because they didn’t see that things had changed. I didn’t let them see. They cheered me on, and a few women have even told me they wish they were just like me. I’d smile and laugh it off, because they didn’t really know what they were asking for.

Sometimes I wish I was like the me they saw, too. But it felt like a lie….how could anyone want to be me?

I don’t want to be me.

They just love the online me. They think I’m great because they see the me who’s smiling and tells funny stories and writes sexy books and is always there to help other authors when they need it and so much more.

But that me…is me. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that I am both. I am all of those parts put together, and how could I want anything else?

I can be the woman laughing about a silly encounter with a stranger at the local coffee shop and the woman who feels everything is falling apart and she doesn’t know how to put it back together. I can be the author who helps her friends with their books and the author who didn’t write any words today because depression stole her motivation. I can be the happy fur-mom who posts a thousand pictures of her dogs and the almost-mom who’s lost three babies before she ever could hold them and tell them just how much I’ll always love them.

I can be both, and all of the above, because humans are so many puzzle pieces mashed together and it doesn’t always fit. The picture is sometimes blurry, but it’s all still me. I’m still me.

Someone told me once that I should always be striving to be my best self. Fuck that noise. 

My best self is a full life, and that has to mean I won’t always be at “my best.” There will be tears. There will be grief and sadness and anger and hatred and an ache that feels it may never go away. And that’s okay, because my best self is also joy and love and kindness and celebration and everything else combined.

I’m choosing to live my full life, not my best life. To accept the down days and celebrate the happy ones. To appreciate the laughter because I’ve been best friends with the tears. To mope in self-pity where everything is horrible because the world is vicious and at the same time, be overwhelmed at the genuine kindness of strangers who only wanted to remind me this world can be so wholly beautiful.

My full life is wonderful and painful and joyful and devastating.

I am a strong woman…even when I’m not. I am kind, and loving, and difficult, but worth the trouble. I am all the things people tell me I am even when I don’t believe them. And in the same breath, I’m in so much pain that every breath feels like a question.

But, one day I won’t be. One day, I’ll smile and feel it in my chest, in the beat of my heart, and the lightness in my soul.

But not today. And maybe not tomorrow.

And that’s okay. That’s a full life. 

Author’s Note: If you’re someone struggling with depression or feelings of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also text the Crisis Text Line if you need someone to talk to in a non-life threatening crisis by texting START to 741-741. Please seek help if you need it. You are strong. You are brave. You deserve to be here. 

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Download A Free Forbidden Rockers Novel… 5 Days Only!

 

FREE FOR 5 DAYS!

Logan’s Story: A Forbidden Rockers Prequel is FREE for the next 5 days on Amazon and Kindle Unlimited! Download your copy today!

DOWNLOAD LOGAN’S STORY:

Amazon US | Amazon UK | Amazon AU | Amazon CA

(Currently available on Amazon and Kindle Unlimited only)

 About Logan’s Story:

The first book in a brand new series from bestselling author Sarah Robinson, Logan’s Story is a glimpse into the famous rockstars past and how he achieved his fame. Before the lights, stage, and music, Logan Clay struggles to figure out who he can trust and whether or not love comes with guitar strings attached. 

Logan Clay has the talent, and he’s put in the time.

All he needs is that one big break,

just one chance to prove he has what it takes to be a rockstar.

But his musical dreams are further away than ever…

And then she walks in to his life,

offering him everything he’s ever wanted – fame, fortune, and music.

There’s no question that he’s going to take the chance,

or that he wants to take her at the same time.

But everything is not what it seems.

Will it be too late when he realizes his one big break

was actually a deal with the devil in a short skirt and neon colored hair?

DISCLAIMER: This story is for 18+ years old. This is a Forbidden Rockers prequel novella about Logan’s past. This book was originally titled Logan’s Story: A Sand & Clay prequel and published June 2014. It has since been re-edited, re-titled, and given new covers. It is still essentially the same book, but with a few additional scenes and some improvements. 

See the other books in the

Forbidden Rockers series here!

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Shout Out to The Mom I Didn’t Come Out Of

Literally my favorite photo ever.

The ridiculously tiny woman in the photo above is my mother.

You won’t find her on my birth certificate, or in the delivery room. She can’t complain about how big my head was or how long labor was. She didn’t hold my hands when I took my first steps, or teach me how to tie my shoes. She missed every cute baby smile and giggling little girl moments when everything was easy and happy.

No, I met my mother when I was a pre-teen and she began dating my father. The happy little girl was a distant memory, and in her place was an angry, bitter young woman who had no idea what anything meant or why her biological mother hadn’t loved her enough to…stay.

For years, I fought her being a part of our family. Imagine the worst behavior a pre-teen, then soon, a teenager, can possibly display, then double it. Maybe even triple it. I threw everything I had at her, but for some damn reason, this new woman stayed.

 

Despite my best efforts, this woman was happy. A LOT.

 

She didn’t push me to be her friend, or call her mom, or even like her. Yet, she also didn’t let me walk all over her, or ignore her, or disrespect her–though I gave it a real college try! When I pulled back, she reached out and reminded me that she was there and that she loved me and that she also wasn’t going to take my shit.

This woman loved me, and she wanted to be my mother.

She may not have been there for my first steps, but she was there for every school function. She was there for every birthday party and comforted me when only one friend showed up (bitter child doesn’t equal tons of friends, y’all). She was there when police dragged me back home, and principals called home complaining, and for every other time I messed it all up and everything came tumbling down around me.

She encouraged me to write, turning my moods and penchant for beating up my siblings, into journaling my feelings with angsty poems written while wearing all black with thick eyeliner inspired by raccoons. She put up with Avril Lavigne at full blast as my 13 yr-old self sat and contemplated how unfair everyone was, how no one understood me, and how lonely and unloved I was (reminder: I was 13, guys.)

But, she was there the whole time, and she loved me. My father loved me. My siblings loved me (okay, there’s still some debate on this one). Everyone loved me, except me.

Maybe that’s why I fought her so much to begin with. And by “begin with”, I mean like 10+ years. She dealt with this for a DECADE, you guys.

 

This was only 4 years ago, and you can see what a delight I am.

 

She gave me something from day one that I couldn’t give to myself–unconditional love. And it was terrifying. I didn’t recognize it and I couldn’t understand it, which meant I couldn’t accept it. From her, or myself.

I’d like to say I grew out of it in a few years, learned my worth, learned her worth, and everything righted itself…but no. My teens came and went, and I was an adult before I could truly look back and see everything for what it was, rather than what I’d wished it had been.

Learning radical acceptance, and to take life and people at face value was a process, but when I finally embraced it a few years ago, my perspective shifted. I realized that my expectations of others were so much higher than my expectations for myself, and that I needed to love myself before I’d know how to accept it from others.

And now that I do, everything is different, even though everything is the same. But the difference now is me. I learned that loving myself meant loving all of me–even the parts that make me cringe.

I also learned she wasn’t perfect, and that I didn’t need her to be to love her. Just like I wasn’t perfect, and she’d never held that against me the way I had against her. I learned that the shame I harbored for my younger behavior was irrelevant, because it was long forgotten in her eyes. She’d loved me…always, and she always would.

I learned that my biological mother wasn’t trying to hurt me when she left, but that it was okay to feel hurt anyways. I learned to stop judging myself based on people who didn’t love themselves, and therefore couldn’t love me.

But most of all, I learned that I was a motherless daughter only because I’d spent so much time refusing to accept the mother who’d been standing by me for the majority of my life without fail. Because the truth is, I had a mother all along, and her name is Lucy and she didn’t give birth to me, but she loves me just the same as if she had.

I did everything I could to get her to leave, because I’d been taught that that’s what mothers do. But Lucy stayed, because that is what mothers do.

❤️

Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you.

I’m so glad she stayed.


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Things I Wish I Knew When I First Published: #1 NYT Bestseller Rachel Van Dyken Talks About Her Biggest Mistakes In Publishing

Sarah Robinson: Guys, I looooooove Rachel van Dyken. She’s been a friend to me since the beginning, and I’m so honored to know her. Not once has she ever let me down, and she often goes above and beyond helping…anyone!

She is an inspiration. Plain and simple. The woman has written ~55 books in 6 years, while somehow managing being a wife, a mother, going to events, and being a cross-fit queen. All of that would be impossible for literally any human being, and yet, Rachel makes it happen!

I’m super excited to announce her as the next author in the “Things I Wish I Knew When I First Published” blog series where bestselling authors confess their biggest mistakes and what they learned from them! If you missed the first article, see it here! 

Buckle up–this is going to get sassy!

RVD Is Here, The Party Can Start!

Rachel van Dyken: I think my tale is pretty much like every other authors out there. I started off completely clueless and most days I still feel that way. What worked five years ago doesn’t work now, and what I thought was so totally AWESOME back in 2011 when my first book was published, has me widening my eyes going NO, NO, NO, DON’T DO THIS, DON’T DO IT!

So here’s a little note to myself and to any new or perhaps seasoned author out there of the Things Not To Do.

Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

1. Don’t Respond to the Negative

Don’t, just don’t, respond to negative reviews. Negative reviews are like bad colds, or the fact that Brussel sprouts, no matter HOW MUCH GARLIC you put on them, smell bad. They just do. It’s a fact of life. And even though it seems justifiable to hop on Amazon and respond in a totally logical way to someone who “just didn’t get the book” or who “clearly didn’t read it right,” or someone who was obviously just having a “really rough day.”

I can guaran-freaking-tee you that no reader is going to be like, “Gee, Rachel, I totally get your point, how could I be so blind? I mean. Am I even existing?” And then I’ll be like, “It’s okay, we all make mistakes. Hey, you want to get coffee.” *Cue joint laughter* End scene.

This is not your reality. It will never be your reality.

Even if you’re super nice, it still feels like an attack and it’s still wrong. Stay away. Stay away from it all. I know Sarah said something similar in her blog post (read here!), but bad reviews make you a better author. Yup, you heard it here too. My worst reviews have helped me write the BEST books, at least in my mind.