HastyWords's Blog, page 9

SO THEY SAY

The world says

Emotion is ugly

So…

You cut out your eyes

So tears can’t fall

You cut out your voice

So the words can’t come

You cut off your hands

So you can’t wring them

You cut off your legs

So you can’t crumple

Only then will they say

Wow

You’re so beautiful

I wrote this a long time ago when I was hurting and alone. I’ve learned a lot about Emotional Intelligence since I wrote this poem.

I’ve always been emotional. Wore every single one for everyone to see. And some of them were ugly. Too ugly for the world. I had to learn that emotions could be scary for some. Unkind to share sometimes.

Instead of trying to cut out my emotions I strive to manage them. Learning to manage your own emotions while also searching to understand the emotions of those around you requires self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and new social skills. It helps make communicating “how you feel” far more productive.

And THAT is beautiful.

DEATH TO PAGES

I kept beating it down

My voice and its words

To murder it into silence

No thoughts, no thoughts

Empty the passions

Empty the knowledge

Empty the fat ego

Light the matches

Then

Let those things burn

I’ve always been a super emotional person. Too much. Too much. It took years to train my external person to show far less. I’m not sure the insides can follow. If I could burn the intensity into ash I would. To write them and let them go.

IT MATTERS

The moment

You realize

Something

You thought

Mattered

Doesn’t really

Matter

Because the

Mattering

Only became a

Matter

In the sense

That it

Mattered

To them

And now

That it

Doesn’t really

Matter

To them

You realize

It became

Something that

Matters

Deeply to you

Because

It reminds you

How much it

Matters

That you

Care about

Each other’s

Matters

INSIDE FABRIC

Caught in fabric

Trying to escape

Threads tangled

And fraying

Inside patterns

That can’t speak

That can’t feel

That will never

Breathe the same

Ever again

Ever feel there is just too much happening and you can’t move? Like you’re stuck in a pattern weaved long before you existed? I remember the first time I felt this way. I’d gone through all the emotions and had nothing left.

It’s part of the cycle of depression. And the best thing to know about a cycle is that it will pass after a stitch or two. And the second thing to know is that fabric can be mended.

THE BEST JOY

Sometimes

I feel like the ghost

Whispering ideas

That take root

Pushing you

Like a gentle breeze

To feel better

To be better

To continue on

Forward and back

Rocking you

When it’s dark

Singing into you

Comfort and joy

Until the sun rises

Sometimes I feel

Like a ghost

Fully visible

Yet wholly unseen

And it’s okay

Because you

Exist

And your life

Is the best joy

I’ll ever need

I’M SO SO SO CLOSE

Music ( Zedd Beautiful Now ( feat..Jon Bellon )

I’m so close to opening the online art store I’ve been working on for the last three years. I mean yes I’m slow and well… I had to make the art.

Right now I’m looking for specific support.

-If you love art.

-If you know anyone who loves art.

-If you just like looking at pretty things.

-If you like supporting people.

Please follow me on Instagram if you have it.

Thank you so much in advance.

My new website will be HastWordsArt.com

OUR FIGHT

I can feel you

Balling up

Like dry lint

Collecting

Bits of yourself

Tiptoeing

Around

Gathering

Strength

But my brain

Has creaky

Well used

Floorboards

Mostly

Because of you

And I know

Every single time

I experience

Self-doubt

Or self-loathing

You’ll be there

To devour

The scraps

And I’ll be

Fighting you

Once again

Someday soon

*It’s important to note that you don’t defeat depression. It’s a part of you that must be discovered and managed. Always. Forever.

CHANGING GROUND

You can’t see it

But I’m shaking inside

If my body were earth

You’d feel the quaking

Tremors are splitting

My insides are flayed

I’ve been sitting alone

For weeks now

No

For months now

And the landscape of me

Has changed drastically

Whoever I was, destroyed

Whoever emerges

I hope she’s free

* I wrote this poem years ago and I wanted to answer the person who wrote this.

I’m still here
Planting
A new world
Learning
To navigate it
Making
New rules
The sun
Shines more
It’s quieter
I’m stronger
Maybe harder
Less kind
But
Kinder to myself
More protective
Of this ground
I’ve nurtured
And thankful
For parts
Of you
You’ve left
For me to find

NOT FANCY

I was alone and depressed

Picking up pieces of glass

A broken candle, shattered

On my fancy bathroom floor

I was in my fancy house

Living my fancy life

Trying to be a fancy wife

Wearing fancy clothes

And I’ve never been fancy

Not fancy enough anyway

I’m the clumsy kind

That drops candles on floors

And then finds a fancy piece

To carve all the feelings away

So I can pretend to be fancy

Just one more fancy day

*sometimes I have to remind myself exactly how far I’ve come in my journey. That I have come a long way from where I started.

NO GOODBYE

I let my soul

Slip out

And it floated

Like balloons

Toward the sky

And I cried

Because

It didn’t even

Linger

Didn’t care

To say goodbye

And that

Is the story

Of my life