Nancy Crochiere's Blog, page 3

10 reasons why you might not want this long, cold winter to end:

 1.     You are stuck in a 12-year perpetual hot flash and would do anything for relief.

2.     You actually enjoy the feeling of your nostrils freezing shut.  (You also enjoy the feeling of tetanus shots and a bikini-wax, and may want to get some professional counseling around this.)

3.     You hate mosquitos.  I mean, really hate mosquitos.

4.     You dread even the mention of summer after seeing a co-worker at the beach last summer wearing a thong.

5.     You like being able to stick an arm out the door to chill your bottle of Pinot Grigio in a matter of seconds.

6.     You finally broke down and bought one of those expensive North Face coats and need to get your money’s worth, dammit!

7.     Hearing the words “Polar Vortex” on the news makes you feel like you’re in a really cool sci-fi flick.  As a side note, you are also socially awkward and addicted to “The Big Bang Theory.”

8.     You’ve been spending too much time indoors with your good friends, Ben and Jerry;  you’re praying that the hot color for this spring’s tank tops is camouflage.

9.     You live in Boca Raton.  (In which case, no offense, but we hate you.)

10.  The warm fire, the hot toddies, the snuggling together under an afghan—what can you say? Winter is working for you.  You can’t afford anything messing up your game.

Here’s hoping that #10 is the most common reason!

Any others?  Post them below.
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QUIET: THE POWER OF INTROVERTS IN A WORLD THAT CAN'T STOP TALKING by Susan Cain��

February's pick for The Mother Load Book Club

I know, I know—I won’t shut up about this book.  But that’s because everyone should read it.  Even if you don’t find it life-changing, as I did, it’s full of fascinating and truly important revelations.

And it’s an easy, fun read.  It reads almost like a novel. It was voted the Best Nonfiction Book of 2012 by Goodreads.com.

Early in the book, Cain offers an informal quiz to help you determine where you fall on the introvert/extrovert spectrum.  Here are a few questions—answer true or false.

1.     I prefer one-on-one conversations to group activities

2.     I often prefer to express myself in writing.

3.     People tell me I’m a good listener.

4.     I’m not a big risk-taker.

5.     I tend to think before I speak.

If you answered true to most of these questions, you’re probably an introvert; mostly false answers and you are likely an extrovert.  Ambiverts fall in the middle.

Unfortunately, our present-day society values extroversion over introversion to such an extent that introverts—people who tend to reflect longer before speaking or acting—are often marginalized, silenced, or made to feel inadequate.  This is a great loss.  While extroverted qualities like thinking on one’s feet and risk-taking have great benefits, they lead to disaster when not tempered by the voices of careful reflection and caution. Think Financial Crisis of 2008. We need both kinds of voices in our world.

I found Quiet most compelling when it discussed the everyday circumstance in which introvert and extrovert needs come into conflict.  For instance:

·       You can’t understand why your husband wants to invite people for a party every Friday night, while you desperately need quiet time to recharge at the end of the work week.

·       Your child doesn’t want to participate in group sports or activities after school, preferring to read or draw in his room.

·       Your company is moving to more open workspace with less privacy in order to promote collaboration and team-building.

(Side-note to those folks in the business world:  Cain presents research that absolutely dispels the myth that “group brainstorming” is an effective strategy and that more open office space is conducive to productivity.  Quite the opposite, in fact.)

Regardless of whether you’re an extrovert or an introvert, Quiet will give you amazing insight into what makes you the way you are. In fact, even if you haven’t got an ounce of introversion in you, you should still read Quiet because it will help you understand those who do, whether that person is your partner or sister or employee or child.  
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QUIET: THE POWER OF INTROVERTS IN A WORLD THAT CAN'T STOP TALKING by Susan Cain

February's pick for The Mother Load Book Club

I know, I know—I won’t shut up about this book.  But that’s because everyone should read it.  Even if you don’t find it life-changing, as I did, it’s full of fascinating and truly important revelations.

And it’s an easy, fun read.  It reads almost like a novel. It was voted the Best Nonfiction Book of 2012 by Goodreads.com.

Early in the book, Cain offers an informal quiz to help you determine where you fall on the introvert/extrovert spectrum.  Here are a few questions—answer true or false.

1.     I prefer one-on-one conversations to group activities

2.     I often prefer to express myself in writing.

3.     People tell me I’m a good listener.

4.     I’m not a big risk-taker.

5.     I tend to think before I speak.

If you answered true to most of these questions, you’re probably an introvert; mostly false answers and you are likely an extrovert.  Ambiverts fall in the middle.

Unfortunately, our present-day society values extroversion over introversion to such an extent that introverts—people who tend to reflect longer before speaking or acting—are often marginalized, silenced, or made to feel inadequate.  This is a great loss.  While extroverted qualities like thinking on one’s feet and risk-taking have great benefits, they lead to disaster when not tempered by the voices of careful reflection and caution. Think Financial Crisis of 2008. We need both kinds of voices in our world.

I found Quiet most compelling when it discussed the everyday circumstance in which introvert and extrovert needs come into conflict.  For instance:

·       You can’t understand why your husband wants to invite people for a party every Friday night, while you desperately need quiet time to recharge at the end of the work week.

·       Your child doesn’t want to participate in group sports or activities after school, preferring to read or draw in his room.

·       Your company is moving to more open workspace with less privacy in order to promote collaboration and team-building.

(Side-note to those folks in the business world:  Cain presents research that absolutely dispels the myth that “group brainstorming” is an effective strategy and that more open office space is conducive to productivity.  Quite the opposite, in fact.)

Regardless of whether you’re an extrovert or an introvert, Quiet will give you amazing insight into what makes you the way you are. In fact, even if you haven’t got an ounce of introversion in you, you should still read Quiet because it will help you understand those who do, whether that person is your partner or sister or employee or child.  
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My Brave Struggle with Post-Traumatic Dance Disorder: (PTDD)...and How a Flash Mob Just Might Save Me

Julia Louis-Dreyfus from Seinfeld It should feel like a safe place: the aerobics room of my gym, surrounded by women in t-shirts and yoga pants sipping SmartWater and occasionally stretching a quad.

But we aren’t here to do downward-facing dog or endure squats with rubber tubing; no, this is much scarier. We’re here to learn a dance.

Just the word “dance” causes sweat to form on the back of my neck. 

You see, I have PTDD—Post-Traumatic Dance Disorder.  I was scarred by the dances of my youth and still suffer flashbacks.

It started with that dance in junior high, where I—the gawky, long-legged girl with braces—was invited to dance with a circle of cool girls, only to watch them roll their eyes at each other and smirk. 

It continued with the sock-hop in high school, where I fell off my platform shoes while doing the bunny hop and bruised my…um…tail. 

Then there was the time I auditioned to do the can-can in the French Club Variety Show, only to have Madame Tibbetts suggest that perhaps I should try out for emcee instead. “More talk; less dance,” was, I believe, the exact translation.

Yes, I was the Elaine Benes of my hometown.  You remember Elaine—the Julia Louis-Dreyfus character on “Seinfeld” who thought she was a pretty hot dancer, while in reality, she was pretty appalling. 

Only unlike Elaine, I know I’m appalling. It’s been a life-long struggle.

Even today, all it takes is a few chords from “Free Bird” to call forth several cringe-worthy prom memories.

So, you may wonder, why am I here at the gym, learning a dance?

I’m hoping a flash mob can save me.

The flash mob is for a good cause—the “One Billion Rising” movement—and a good cause can give us courage to face down our fears—even if our fear is just of bumbling a box step.  “One Billion Rising” and the Jeanne Geiger Women’s Crisis Center—who is sponsoring the flash mob on February 15th at the Newburyport Tannery—help people with fears far more serious than mine.  Their goal is to end violence against women.

I’ve decided that supporting their cause is worth embarrassing myself through dance one more time.

Plus, I remind myself, a flash mob requires no Julia Louis-Dreyfus-like innovation; it simply asks me to follow. Assuming I don’t trip over my feet, I’ll look—mostly—like everyone else.

And so, that afternoon at the gym, follow is what I do. I carefully imitate the instructor as she shows us the moves.  Sometimes when she sambas left, I samba right, but I manage not to injure the person next to me, so I guess it’s all good.

I make it through the dance several times and also practice at home with the “One Billion Rising” videos on YouTube.  It’s a really simple dance, but given my history, really, no amount of practice is too much. 

I hope those folks local to Newburyport will join us at the Tannery at 4 pm on the 15th.  Or go to the website www.jeannegeigercrisiscenter.org and donate or buy a t-shirt.  Or sponsor someone—sponsor me, if you like—and help us unite to end violence against women.

We all want to dance.
The Mother Load can be found on Amazon by clicking HERE .
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The Power of Embarrassment

By now you’ve probably seen photos of the middle-aged, slightly pudgy father from Utah waving to his teenaged son as he boards the bus for school.  You know the dad I mean:  he’s the one dressed as The Little Mermaid. 

Apparently, about a year ago, the teenager had asked his (then normally dressed) stay-at-home dad to please stop waving goodbye to him each morning as he caught the bus in front of their house.  It was embarrassing, the son said. 

The father decided to show his son what embarrassing really was.  Every day for the entire school year, the dad stood by the front steps, waving, dressed in a new costume.  Batman.  Wonder Woman.  A Jedi knight.  Michael Jackson.  A chicken.

The photos are pretty amusing—my personal favorite is Princess Leia—but more importantly, the situation itself seemed familiar to me.  Because years ago, I had a similar opportunity to embarrass one of my children.  I recall that day clearly because it helped me realize something profound—or at least profoundly useful:  The power of embarrassment is one of the most under-utilized weapons in a parent’s arsenal.

My own story didn’t involve a Wonder Woman costume, but it did involve an incident while waiting for the bus with my younger daughter.

For some reason—and I can no longer recall why, exactly—I was trying to explain to the 7-year-old what “disco” meant.  The explanation led me to mention John Travolta, and after that, I was pretty much compelled (right?) to lunge to one side with a finger pointed in the air like Travolta in “Saturday Night Fever.”  Really—wouldn’t you have done the same?

 My daughter looked panic-stricken.

“Mom!” she whispered, nervously checking down the street for the bus. “Could you stop doing that?”

I chuckled, stopped, and didn’t think too much about it.  That is, until the following day, when the child insisted on stepping into puddles while waiting for the bus.  After the third warning, I suddenly had an idea.  I started with a little swaying of the hips, then made some circling motions with my arms, all while quietly singing, “Stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive, ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin’ alive.”

“What are you doing?” she yelled.

“I’ll stop if you stop,” I said.  (By this point in my--clearly delusional--memory, I’m executing a pretty fine “hustle.”)

“I get the point!” she exclaimed. “Just stop doing that!”

I did.  But my perspective on parenting was never the same after that.

I began to test out this new parenting technique grounded in embarrassment.  Within a week, just a few preliminary arm motions of the Macarena would make my children quit pinching each other and race to set the table.  A little Spanish Flamenco and they turned off the TV when asked.  A bit of Funky Chicken and they cowered in their rooms and put away laundry.

I soon discovered that dancing wasn’t the only talent I could use to extort my children’s cooperation.  Singing worked, too.  If there was too much commotion in the car, I’d join with Britney Spears in a chorus of “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” and suddenly my children had pulled out their backpacks and were doing homework.

For parents new to the art of embarrassment, here are a few applications that never fail:

1.     Public displays of affection.  You can exact a lot of cooperation from your middle-school child by promising never to kiss her goodbye anywhere within a mile of her school.

2.     Mentioning your youth.  Any indication that you once went on dates or thought someone of the opposite sex was “hot” is enough to silence your children for days.  Old prom photos are especially effective here.

3.     Mentioning your current love life.  Enough said.

In what ways have you managed to embarrass your children?  Email me your Awkward Family Embarrassing Moments or post them on The Mother Load Facebook page . 

As for me: even though my daughters are grown now, I’m not averse to launching into a chorus of “Oops, I Did It Again” for old time’s sake.  Just if I need them to set the table.

featured Speaker at Merrimac Mic

This coming Thursday, January 9, I will be the featured speaker at Merrimac Mic, the open mic night at Plum Island Coffee Roasters (54R Merrimac Street, Newburyport—to the left of The Black Cow).  I’ll be chatting about and doing a few brief readings from The Mother Load, from 7:30-8 pm. 
For more information, call the Roasters at 978-465-1444 , Isabel at 978-499-4399 or email merrimacmic@gmail.com .  Sign-up for the open mic starts at 6 pm, and speakers are each given 5 minutes between 6:30-7:30.

Beautiful Ruins - January's Pick for The Mother Load Book Club

Beautiful Ruins by Jess Walter (Harper Perennial, 2013, 386 pages)

I found this book utterly charming.  The story of five characters whose lives become intertwined, Beautiful Ruins takes us from 1960s Italy to current-day Hollywood and is by turns funny, poignant, romantic, ironic, and thought-provoking.  Walter’s characters—from the sleazy movie mogul to the idealistic Cinque Terre inn-keeper—are complex and compelling, and his sure-footed plotting moves the story back and forth in time to create more than enough suspense to keep his readers turning the page.  In the end, I found Beautiful Ruins to be a fascinating testament to the idea that people don’t change, they simply stand more clearly revealed.

Thoughts, questions, comments on Beautiful Ruins? Email me , post on The Mother Load Facebook page or leave your remark in the comment section below.

Awkward Family Christmas Gifts

Do you have a relative who always gives holiday gifts that are a bit, well, odd?

In our family, it’s my husband.  I’ve written in The Mother Load about some of the “unique” Christmas gifts my husband has given the children or me: 

·       the furry moose slippers with felt antlers,

·       the wooden moose bookends (yes, the man apparently has an affinity for moose),

·       the long underwear in basic black,

·       the backyard bat-house he hoped would attract bats and drive away mosquitos.

Yes, my husband’s gifts are always…interesting.

But I can say with some certainty that he’s not the worst offender out there.  Because I know the legend of Aunt Mim.

Mim is the aunt of a good friend, and here’s a sample of the gifts she has given this friend and his wife over the years:

·       A tie that belonged to Mim’s deceased husband (with his initials still embroidered on it);

·       A package of 3 dirty golf balls, with a huge gash on one of them;

·       A used silk scarf, still reeking of Mim’s perfume;

·       A pen with someone else’s initials engraved on it.

Please note that Aunt Mim is by no means “poor,” though clearly she can be described as thrifty.  Apparently, Mim once wrapped a vase and gave it to her sister, forgetting that the sister had given her that vase the year before.

Still, Mim doesn’t have a corner on the re-gift market.

For several years, my husband and I hosted a New Year’s Eve party that included a “Re-gift Yankee Swap.”  Guests re-wrapped and exchanged the most awkward gift they had received that year.   Memorable re-gifts included a few hideously ugly ashtrays and ornaments; a bottle of chocolate-flavored face-wash; a roll of yellow “CAUTION” tape; and a 6-pack of a half-beer, half-clam juice drink called Clamato.  The Clamato drink was so, um, “unique” that several cans from the 6-pack would return year after year.  It became the very definition of a “gift that keeps on giving.”

Perhaps the next best-selling humor book will be “Awkward Family Christmas Gifts.” What is the oddest holiday gift that you’ve ever received? 

When Choosing a christmas tree, are you charlie brown or lucy?

When you go to pick out a Christmas tree, which are you:  a Charlie Brown or a Lucy?

Being a Lucy means that you will find the perfect tree at any cost.  Neither time nor money nor the pleading of loved ones who have lost feeling in their extremities will get you out of that tree lot without bagging the fullest, shapeliest, award-winning evergreen.

However, being a Charlie Brown doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re like the cartoon Chuck, who chose that sad little tree in need of love.  It just means that you’re not that picky about size or fullness or needle texture.  Hey, it’s green and has some branches—good enough!  Bonus points if it fits in the backseat. 

Does either of these descriptions sound like you or your loved ones?  Based on my family’s experiences (we split evenly: two Charlie Browns, two Lucys), I’ve developed a checklist to determine whether your tree-bagging experience qualifies as cartoon-worthy. 

You’re a Lucy if:

·       You need to examine the freshness of the needles, spacing of branches, and star-top potential of every tree on the five-acre tree farm.  You check for thinning backsides.  You lay on the ground to watch for trunk curvature. Your freezing family members “accidentally” shake branches to drop snow on you.

·       Size matters.  If the tree doesn’t seem to be piercing a hole in the ozone layer, it’s not tall enough.  You gravitate toward trees more appropriate for the Capitol Rotunda than your living room.  One of your past trees had to be supported with cables.

·       Your tree must be not just tall, but also round and full—an enormous Chris Christie of a tree.  You want a tree that requires that all family members work together to raise it, like the Marines raising the flag on Iwo Jima. 

·       Knowing that your family’s patience and good nature will be sorely tested during the long tree-selection process, you make sure that you are always the one carrying the saw.

You’re a less-picky Charlie Brown if:

·       You have already picked out your tree before your car has come to a full stop.

·       Your family has learned to ignore your suggestion that “less-than-perfect” trees—particularly those closest to the tree-farm entrance—need a home, too.

·       You’re held responsible for purchasing The Great Scoliosis Pine of 2002, whose twisted trunk defied efforts to keep it upright, and which toppled over onto your 10-year-old Christmas morning.

·       You dream about a “drive-thru” Christmas tree farm where you could order a 6-foot blue spruce with pine cones, hold the sap.  You wonder if you might be able to get fries with that.

Perhaps you can tell: I fall into the Charlie Brown category—and have picked out some not-so-perfect trees in my time.  How about you?

The Mother Load, A Book by Nancy Crochiere

Welcome to the new book by Nancy Crochiere. A collection of the most popular humor columns that Nancy wrote for The Daily News of Newburyport, Massachusetts, over a 15-year period, The Mother Load is a hysterical look at family life in the 21st century.  

Find The Mother Load on Amazon by clicking HERE.