Alexis Rose's Blog, page 32

Two Roses

Two roses stand strong

within their protective thorns.

Entwined by years of friendship 

they share secrets, thoughts, laughter, and tears.

They sway with the whispering breeze

as they bloom and grow.

Mesmerizing all with the wisdom of their ageless beauty. 

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©Alexis Rose; image: pexels.com

 

Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

 

 

Meet The Author: Alexis Rose- Non Fiction Author #amreading #health #author

Thank You, Kim. I’m so excited to be one of the author’s that Kim interviewed this month on her blog. Check out the interview and be sure and follow her blog too!

Author, Kim Knight

Okay we’re on a roll, the final author for this month is Alexis Rose! Alexis touches on very important issues that many people face in life. It’s a pleasure to interview her. Let’s get to know her style… over to you Ms. Rose

Hello nice to meet you! Tell us a bit about you where are you from and other than writing what else do you enjoy?

Hello, Thank You for including me in your author spotlight, Kim. My name is Alexis Rose and I live in Minnesota. Besides writing, I love to be with my family and friends. I unwind by practicing yoga and spending time outside. I work part-time doing the marketing for a couple of wellness centers, and enjoy teaching beginning writing classes.

How did you start writing? What was your inspiration to create?

Writing came into my life purely by accident. I had never written anything…

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Monday Mantra

Your inner beauty, your strengths

and your talent

Far outweigh any deficits

you   may have. 

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©words/photo: Alexis Rose

 

Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

 

 

Alone or Lonely

Am I learning to be alone

or am

I drifting into silent loneliness

Are my mindful days, lack of thoughts, and constant urge for change considered resting 

or am

I drifting into an abyss of blackness

Is my contentment to be okay with a sparsely filled calendar, an awakened new period of self-discovery and growth 

or am 

I retreating into stasis. 

Is my lack of desire to control the dust on my shelves, or obsess about the number of times I exercise living with ease 

or am 

I lazy

I wasn’t well enough to be alone the past nine years as I was combatting my symptoms of PTSD. Now, I’ve been allowing myself to be unscheduled, rest, write, read novels, look forward to things, and finally acknowledge how hard Ive worked to get to this place. 

I yearn to be alone for long periods during the day. To sit, rest, and if it happens, deal quietly with the triggers when the skeleton hands of the past try to pull me back down. 

Yesterday I wondered aloud if although content, I was feeling lonely. Today I wake up and understand that yes, Im content, and also for the first time I’m  learning to be okay, being alone with myself. 

[image error]image source: Pixabay

 

Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

The Expanse of the Sky

For a moment today

Turn your face to the sun

Let it warm you from the inside out.

Feel the gentle wind blow away any doubts

And imagine that the expanse of the beckoning sky

Is reminding you that your dreams

Lay just beyond the next cloud.

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©words Alexis Rose, Image Source: Pixabay

Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

Why I Write

It’s been two weeks since I finished collaborating on a new writing project. Since then,  I have allowed myself precious time to sit on my deck and reflect over the whirlwind of the past year. Releasing Untangled, emerging from the shadows of silence, blogging, speaking to groups, and now preparing to pitch our project, I ask myself, Why do I write?

When I speak to groups and open it up for questions, I’m almost always asked, what made you write a book, or have you always been a writer? The answer to both is, “no!” I never wrote anything beyond copy for ads, or random newsletter articles for my jobs before 2011. I didn’t keep a journal, never was a huge letter writer, I really never gave writing a thought.

When I began therapy my therapist suggested that I journal. Most of us have been told by our therapist’s to journal our thoughts and feelings. I despised journaling. I would become so emotional, because often, the pages looked like one big opus for wanting to end my life. I would literally tear up the pages after I wrote them, despondent because I couldn’t separate my feelings from what I wanted to write about. It was all emotion and no substance, no thoughts, no depth and it felt destructive. So I refused to continue to journal.

But, I found myself writing emails to my therapist and we would talk about them at our next session. It was becoming evident that I was looking for a way to write down my thoughts. My therapist went to a conference on PTSD. At the conference, he learned that when clients journaled on a keyboard, (not pen and paper) that it was easier for them to keep journaling. The act of using a keyboard was incorporating bilateral stimulation which helped put some distance between the terrible trauma and intense feelings and they were able to keep writing longer. That made perfect sense to me, so I began to use writing as a healing tool.

Writing gave me the courage I needed to address the pain I was feeling. I would write even when I thought I had nothing to write about. At first, I strictly used it for bilateral stimulation. I would write and send what I wrote off to my therapist. I started to find that I was able to write down what I couldn’t say aloud.  At first, I think it provided distance from having to use my voice, but then I found it actually gave me a voice.  When I still couldn’t speak a truth, I found if I read it out loud to my therapist, that I was speaking the truth.

Eight years after that first assignment to journal on a keyboard, I have written four books, had a number of published articles and enjoy engaging on my blog. I reflect on writing from a different perspective. Now, I write because I love to share what I’m thinking, feeling or musing over. I write because I’ve had feedback from others, to help give them a voice, to put feelings into words that they may be unable to describe. Writing is a way to be seen and heard, especially by a group who suffers from mental illness and are often marginalized.

I write because I will no longer be shamed into silence. But, I also control the volume of my voice. I want to be effective in destigmatizing mental illness, invisible illness, for me, PTSD. I know that I’m a quiet word of mouth writer. It fits my personality. I love the writers who are more vocal, and speak with confidence and often, they know the volume of their voice and can reach a much wider audience.

I write because it fills my cup, it satisfies my creativity and it keeps me connected to the world. I care deeply about what I write and share, hoping that the connection between us continues to grow. Sometimes that starts with a simple written word.

Why do you write?

 

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Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

 

 

 

How Would You Describe Wisdom?

I think to myself how would I describe wisdom if I were asked? I understand how vague that term has become, but still, if I were asked to define what that word means to me, I would say wisdom is the ability to be present. When possible, to try and take a holistic view of a situation and see it from a well-rounded, compassionate perspective without initial judgment.

Of course, there may be, or have been situations in our lives, where we need to trust that what’s happening is dangerous, listen to our innate wisdom and protect ourselves so we can survive. That’s the beauty of inner wisdom, our survival mechanisms, and I, for one, am grateful every day for the wisdom I employed to survive my past.

The times when people have said to me, “you are wise” it was because I was responding to them in a fully present state. I was listening to what they were saying both verbally and nonverbally. I wasn’t thinking ahead to what I was going to say next, I wasn’t distracted by the noises that were external or internal. I was simply able to hear what they were saying and/or asking and respond in a way that was thoughtful and respectful. And truthfully, sometimes the wisest thing I have said to another person, and to myself is, I’m simply not able to be objective, or helpful. There are still some topics that when placed in front of me, I will react from a purely emotional place. No objectivity, compassion or understanding anywhere in my realm of consciousness. I understand that’s an effect of my trauma.

There are times that I still have to work hard at staying present. There are times when that is one of my most frustrating and biggest challenges. When I’m dealing with flashbacks, and triggers, staying present is often that elusive tool, that I know I have to employ. I think a lot of people, especially those of us who have been through trauma would say that staying present is a constant work in progress. Besides the normal monkey mind we all contend with, I also experience the challenge of climbing out of the vortex’s of the past, that pull me away, sometimes many times a day.

I believe as time goes on, I’m able to be present more often. I notice the birds singing outside the window, the wind gently blowing, the lawn mower of my neighbor, the noise of kids playing at the nearby playground and the sky. I love the sky!  It’s paying attention to the present that keeps me grounded in the wise place where I continue to heal, grow, change and live.

What does wisdom mean to you?

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Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

 

 

The Steps of Innocence

As she dances the steps

of beauty and innocence

even the waves and birds

stop and watch in awe. 

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©collaboration, Of Earth and Sky: Alexis Rose, Photographer: Shelley Bauer

 

Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

 

The Fluidity of Acceptance

It seems I have a pattern. I’m continued to be shocked that I have PTSD! I’m not sure if it’s mental gymnastics that I perform with gold medal perfection or it’s normal when living with a chronic illness to have a fluidity of acceptance.

The past year has been a whirlwind of powerful and positive changes in my life. I just came back from a wonderful remote camping/canoeing trip where I experienced a total reset.  I have come to a place where I have processed and accepted my past (most of the time). I have a huge toolbox of distress tolerance tools and have gotten the answers to the big questions that were tamped down in a dark repressed past. I graduated from therapy and have been able to incorporate the tools my therapist helped me accumulate with pretty good success. My children are in places in their lives where they content, and I’m very fortunate to work for two wonderful small business owners who understand my limitations, knowing that sometimes I can only work a couple hours per week. I have taken wonderful, exciting, sometimes painful strides, that have propelled my trajectory of healing.

So, why do I still have symptoms of PTSD? Why do I still have flashbacks, why am I still triggered by certain sounds, why can’t I make my brain concentrate for more than two hours at a time, without it shutting down and becoming so overwhelmed that I begin to decompensate? And, why am I still shocked that I experience these symptoms?

Driving home from the Boundary Waters, I thought, wow, I am so relaxed, I bet after 4 days in the wilderness, I’m cured.  As I was performing my mental gymnastics routine, I thought; I was sick, I worked hard in therapy, I incorporated all the tools, I just spent four days in relative silence, (except for nature sounds and my camping companions) I bet I’m fine. I’ll wake up tomorrow, find a full-time job, and re-enter the life I knew before I was disabled by my illness.

I have some long-lasting effects from the trauma I endured. From the reading that I’ve done, and the understanding I have about the extent of my trauma, I’m still going to have PTSD. I’m not intimating that this is a forever illness, I don’t know what the future will hold. Most days, I’ve accepted that even though therapy ended, I’m still going to suffer from symptoms. When I was talking to my son about this yesterday, he looked at me and said, “you wouldn’t expect someone in a wheelchair to stand up and walk just because they are done with physical therapy, would you?” I replied, “of course not!” I wonder, is it the invisibility of my illness that makes me so uncomfortable, or is it that I have an illness that makes feel me so uncomfortable and disappointed. Maybe both.

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m working hard to heal and it’s not anything I did or am doing to cause these symptoms. I’m not perpetuating them, I am living with them.

When I lose sight of this I find myself getting very angry at my PTSD.  When the anger and frustration well up, and starts to boil over, I make myself stop, sit down, reflect, rest, and try to focus on the goal of what I want for my life. I can acknowledge my progress, watch my children fly from the nest and make adult lives for themselves, and feel good about my ability to contribute to a life I want to have, and still, understand that I have this invisible illness of PTSD. The fluidity of my acceptance has me revisiting, once again that some wounds are extremely slow to heal, but they will heal.

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Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph

 

Reset Button

Sometimes we need to press our Reset Button

To experience and not think

To listen and not speak

To let ourselves play and laugh with glee

To rest and not judge

To connect with the trees, water, fire, and land

To leave worry and doubt behind

To Just Be

The Reset Button in all of us

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©words and photo: Alexis Rose

Thank you for reading my memoir, Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph