Devon Volkel's Blog, page 57
July 25, 2014
The Cough of the Whoop
So I’ve been kinda laying low these days, as it seems my life is just one rain storm after the next. I’m beginning to think I have been given my own personal rain cloud to walk under. Oh well, life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain, right?! So, with my whooping cough that has been plaguing my life for going on six weeks now, I am going to, yet again, try to find some good in it.
First, let me tell you a little about it. After I recovered from my broken back (and gallivanting around Mexico with it =) ) I was given this wonderful little cough of whooping. It is the most terrible cough that you can think of and then times that by pi. It feels like you are using every muscle in your body to cough your guts out and still not quelling the cough at all. I have been reduced to throwing up every day because this wonderful little delight they call pertussis. For a while I’ll be fine, and then a tickle at the back of my throat bids a fit of coughing out of me that is likened to be a cough from Satan himself, (if you believe in him that is, I didn’t but after this cough it might just be true ;) ) As I am heaved into a bout of coughing that uses every muscle down to the tips of my toes, a red hot feeling of poison crawls down my throat and steals my very breath away. As I am still coughing, I gasp for air and make the “whoop” sound the cough is infamous for. When the fit ebbs, I am either left with throwing up or, providing that I haven’t heaved up my stomach’s contents, watery eyes and broken breath. Yeah, it’s that wonderful! So, I haven’t had the desire to do anything other than sit on my couch, as the residents of Larimer County are sure to think I have some sort of plague the way that the cough sounds. Sounds awesome, doesn’t it!?
So, I have to come up with some good that comes out of being robbed an entire summer right? Here is five things I have come up with:
One: Maybe there was a team of bandits loose in the city on one of the days that my cough held me hostage in my own house. Maybe I would have to have given up my identity as a super hero to save the good people of Fort Collins and then I would be out of the proverbial super hero’s closet. There is never a good day for that, as the job of being the town’s super hero is very demanding and I’ve my own things going on right now!
Two: Maybe there was one too many old grannies on the road on one day and I would have been rear-ended by a little old lady who was too senile to see that I was stopping. And as I don’t usually like to bust out my ninja skills on old grannies, (I save those for bad guys!) I would have to refrain from stomping little old ladies and refraining from using one’s ninja skills is never a fun day!
Three: One day there might have been a rabid dog loose on my block and instead of a peaceful little walk with my son to the park it would have been turned to being attacked by said dog and having left my sword at home—cause who takes their swords to parks?!—and having to be the hero, I would have had to wrestle said dog to the death and mess up my brand new dress, and possibly even being bitten by him! Again, never a good day for that!
Four: There could have been a day when an evil villain started terrorizing the city. I would have to had grabbed my wand—cause I always have that on me—and challenged him to a duel of the magic kind. Now, there is always a good day for defeating a foe, the problem is I would’ve had to have shown the good people of Fort Collins that I am magic and I’m just not ready for that kind of celebrity yet!
And Five: The torrential rain that has been inundating our beautiful city might have caused some flooding, leaving people stranded. One of the days I was in I could have been out for a mountain drive and spotted some people stranded. I would’ve had to have bust out my wings and whisk them to safety. Now, there is always a good day for that, it is just I would have revealed the fact that I have magic wings and again, the celebrity that comes with that would just be too much for me right now! I have a very demanding job of running my household, not to mention my son and I started school again next month.
So, that is the reason I have been given the Cough of the Whoop. So I can remain a normal person and not have to reveal my abilities and secret jobs and skills. While the cough is one of the worst things I have gone through, I have to thank it because I can still live a normal, un-famous life! Thanks whooping cough!
All joking aside, do not get Pertussis. Not. Ever.
That is all.
©Devon
June 24, 2014
June 18, 2014
June 17, 2014
Little miss lovey and the poofy twins :)
Little miss lovey and the poofy twins :)
June 12, 2014
Walking with grandpa
Walking with grandpa
June 10, 2014
June 7, 2014
Bone Marrow
Today I had a bone marrow biopsy. It is the post-treatment one to make sure the cancer is staying gone since I am not treating it anymore. Transitioning from one to the other was a feat all its own. Since I began this journey, one thing has remained constant; having that safety net knowing I was treating it everyday. I was still getting IV chemo from time to time, but in my maintenance stage it was winding down. I was on a daily oral chemo that would mess with my blood counts and also caused my insomnia. I finished taking the pills on March 11th and on March 12th I was no longer taking any medication. On March 11th it was exciting knowing that I would be done, but throwing out my remaining medicine was only an idea. On March 12th it was an act. I had 12 bottles of medicine filled with different things; antibiotics and antifungals, a steroid that went with a chemo, chemo and different things the doc would prescribe me when random things happened from the toxic stuff they were putting into my body. I set them all up across the counter and eyed them all day. I went into a panic mode. I had talked to my doctor a few times in the past about my fears of it returning. One thing he had said to me a few years ago was that if it was going to come back, it’d come back right after remission induction or right after treatment. So this was ingrained in my brain. Here was this medicine that was saving my life and killing my demons and now I had to move on from it, throw it away. Those bottles sat on my counter all day while I prepared myself for what I had to do. Face my fears, throw it away, and trust in the universe that it was gone for good and not returning. I decided to run some errands and when they were done, I bought myself a nice, juicy cheeseburger and some chili cheese fries to comfort me. When I came home, I ate my food and watched my pills, knowing it was time to let go. When the food was gone and I was full, I began to rip the labels off the bottles and empty the contents into a bag. One by one I did this until I was down to my last one. Ironically, the last one happened to be the chemo that is designed especially for Leukemia. Quick like a band aid, I ripped it off, emptied it out and let out a sigh of relief, which was paired with a side of fear. Coffee grounds were then emptied into the bag and mixed up with all the pills. This has to be done in case some desperate addict goes trifling through my trash. Then I walked it out to my dumpster and threw it away. Slamming the lid was an added effect, to really say goodbye—no no, to boot cancer out for good. As I did I spoke to it—which I did often in the hospital—and told her that she had to go, she was no longer welcome in my world in any aspect, even though she has been gone since that hospital, her ghost was still around by the treatment I had to endure. I stepped out on to the ledge, a ledge where I knew not of a second step, and I took it. As scary as it was, my foot found footing and as I steadied myself on my knew invisible step, I righted myself as I began to tip. As scary as it was, I did it. I moved on. I am still a little wary, weak in the bones and even my blood, but I am doing it. And it feels good.
©Devon Volkel
Leukemia
Leukemia. The word still scrapes at me. Like glimmers of waking up from a fresh nightmare, one where I had been falling from the tallest building imaginable. Remembering that fear, the pitting in my stomach as I plunged to the ground, the knowledge that sudden death was immanent and rapidly approaching. The world hurling against my insides as I insulted gravity. Or the ones when I have been deprived the right to breathe by her majesty, the water in a drowning nightmare. Knowing the waves of sheer height would kill me but knowing there was nothing I could do. I would eventually have to succumb to the aquatic chaos, feeling the briny air strangle me, my weakening muscles forfeiting against the ebb’s fierceness. The dream where I know I am sleeping and have to wake up, but no matter how loud I scream or try and shake my extremities, my voice is silent and my muscles are weak. Knowing that danger was seeking me out, coming for me and that I had to wake up, but no matter how loud I screamed to myself or tried to move, I was paralyzed and mute. The worst kind of nightmares that still scratch at your being when reminiscing on them. The thoughts that this life will be the death of me, an echoing scream that’s silent to the world around you but louder than agony in your heart. Every time I hear that word, I reminded of a nightmare. One that I had long ago but is still young in nature to my being.
©Devon Volkel
June 4, 2014
The Hero That Never Came
Dream of the knight that you think is coming,
wait for the hero you think you deserve.
Watch all the clocks ‘til it seems they’re not running
and drown in the days that are all full of hurt.
Plan out a dream with the lives that create them,
as you wait for the life your dreams are about,
with all of your sorrows, try not to relate them,
as they interlock with hopes that are shadowed by doubt.
Wait by the door thinking that you’ll be rescued,
watching out for a prince that said you’d be saved,
get broken by the one you gave all your best to,
when you see that your hero, well he never came.
Fell the numbing that you are alone now
and know in the end you were alone all along.
Collapse at the thought that you have lost somehow,
when you tried to stay brave when he wasn’t strong.
Now beg to the heavens to let your heart heal
from this mess of a hero who never came.
Accept being alone was the only thing real,
in this fairytale prince and the dream full of pain.
©Devon Volkel “Melted Mirrors”
