Samantha Tonge's Blog

The 40 Year Battle

It’s exactly 40 years ago this month that I began university.

And 40 years since everything changed big time for my eating.

I read a comment on social media recently, the gist of which was:
“If you have challenges and aren’t aware of them, you sure are going to be at university.”

True for me – away from home, away from the structure and support I was used to, by the end of that first term an eating disorder had dug in, triggered by a relationship that ended. In time, I’ve understood myself better and seen that the clues where there when I was younger. Disordered eating was  always on the cards.

I became anorexic and bulimic. Then had periods of binge-eating and restrictive eating that have tormented me to this day. No one knew much about eating disorders back in the 80s. I finally saw a GP. “Go away and eat normally” they effectively said. I was in utter despair. And things haven’t changed much, even now, for those suffering from eating disorders but at a normal weight (as I was at the time of that appointment). Binge-eating and bulimia can be invisible illnesses, and young people these days still have problems getting referrals – even though, as far as psychiatric illnesses go, eating disorders have a considerable mortality rate.

I’ve had extreme lows with it during my life that have led to a whole gamut of problems including losing jobs and a drink problem. Eight years sober now, it amazed me, at the beginning, to find other people with eating disorders in AA. It shouldn’t have. It’s the same behaviour – misusing a substance for escape.

But I’ve never given up battling. I’ve always taken on new treatment and from each one I’ve learned something helpful, even if my whole disorder has not been cured. And the joyful times have kept me going and made everything worthwhile. I’ve had periods where I’ve  managed it more easily. My happiest era was during my children’s childhood. I swam 90 laps at the pool a week which helped, but life seemed more balanced overall.

So what can I pass on to anyone out there facing a lifelong medical battle?

Acceptance – it took me a long time, probably until my 40s, to accept that I was always going to have problems with my eating. This acceptance helps. I’m no longer chasing some utopia where I “eat normally”.

And I accept that the negative voices in my head may never go away, but that’s all they are – voices. They aren’t truth. They aren’t fact.

Don’t give up – this acceptance doesn’t mean giving up trying to manage your illness. A small improvement can mean a lot. Initially I didn’t have therapists that suited me when I finally got help after graduating, but the advice from one of them has stuck all these decades: always have breakfast, whatever happened the day before.

Realise this about other people – not everyone will understand your journey and that’s okay. The people who matter will support you whether they understand or not.

Open up – talking to people – the GP (I’ve found good ones over the years), family, friends, therapists –  about my issues has really helped over the years. I kept everything in at university, leaving it four years before seeking help, and this gave my challenges a chance to fester, grow and really set in.

Gratitude journalling has helped me in the past too – opening up on the page. As my readers will know, I address mental health issues in my work too. My 2025 novel If You Could See Me Now deals with disordered eating.

Be proud – just think of what you are dealing with and how long you have ploughed on, facing challenges day in, day out. People with mental health issues ( physical ones sometimes too) are often seen as weak – not full of the grit and determination they hold inside, to keep on trucking.

Keep perspective – and I don’t say that lightly. I know how difficult it is. But when I take stock of my own life I have a wonderful husband, fantastic children, a job, I have food on the table and a roof over my head. Life is hard but could be much harder, especially when you look at the current state of the world.

What really helps me is remembering that life has peaks and troughs but doesn’t remain static in either – and, in my opinion, isn’t meant to.

Be kind to yourself – you didn’t ask for this but you are getting on with it, regardless. Allow yourself to make mistakes. A bad day doesn’t make you a bad person.

Sending love to anyone with whom this all resonates.

You are amazing.

 

The Joy of Wabi-sabi

The joy of Wabi-sabi 侘寂  #MentalHeathAwarenessWeekWhat is Wabi-sabi? As a character in my new story, The Memory of You explains: ‘It’s a Japanese way of thinking about the natural cycle of life and how it’s imperfect, impermanent, incomplete. It encourages you to find beauty in imperfection…’Wabi-sabi is about seeking the beauty in the simple life, about accepting the changes that the passage of time brings.As soon as I stumbled across this concept I knew it intrinsically related to my novel, the themes, the characters – and to my own life. I’m a perfectionist which has its advantages – you need to have an obsessively keen eye for detail if you want to be a novelist – but it’s also led me down some dark roads with my mental health. I’ve suffered from eating disorders on and off for a long time, and part of that journey has been focussing on my self-perceived flaws. Instead of rejoicing in my differences, I’ve wanted to eliminate them. I’m grateful that in recent years I’ve come to accept and embrace myself.In many ways becoming an author didn’t help, a job where I am continually ranked against contemporaries, where I must do videos, post photos, make public appearances… like so many aspects of modern life, it’s about high expectations and the early part of my journey is reflected in Alex’s:Her author life had been the opposite of wabi-sabi, with her only being satisfied with utter perfection, in terms of the image she projected and the ranks she achieved.Wabi-sabi is about accepting impermanence as well as imperfection – levels of success change, we grow older… But there is still joy to be found in an imperfect world, you just need to look harder for the new pockets of happiness.On the surface it can be very difficult to find any joy in dementia, the main theme of my novel – but it doesn’t mean there aren’t small things that still lift the spirits. I lost a loved one to the condition twenty years ago, and whilst it was heartwrenching watching how they changed, there were still precious minutes of lucidity, of humour, episodes of laughter. Another family member is currently suffering and they find such unadulterated joy in a visit, a hug and a delicious chocolate. There are still moments worth holding close and remembering.A winter tree might lose its colourful leaves, but its outline is still striking. A wrinkled face might have lost that flush of youth, but laughter lines make for a friendly expression. An immaculately weeded border will eventually grow over, but what delight to be found in a cheeky daisy or proud dandelion.Nothing stays the same as time passes, and imperfection ensues, but the value of what’s new is no less than what came before. It’s just different.

The Memory of You is OUT NOW, 99p UK, download here.

Lost Luggage Publication Day! Blog post – Never Too Late

Today sees the publication of Lost Luggage, my second story with Boldwood Books.

I’m really excited to share it – it’s 72 year old Dolly’s story, a story about life always being full of chances, it’s never too late to turn things around.

When I was heading for my late twenties, recovering from a mental health illness and, at times, stressful university experience, I remember the panic I felt, deep inside, that I’d missed all my chances. I’d never have a career. Never find a partner. My illness had caused me to turn down many opportunities. After graduating I stayed inside for several months, rarely going out unless it was with my parents. I didn’t want to see anyone else. Or, rather, I didn’t want anyone to see me.That lonely, isolating time is what inspired the story of Lost Luggage, along with Covid and the lockdowns so many of us, around the world, endured, spending months, years in some cases, stuck indoors.Seventy-two year old Dolly, in particular, has a sense that it is all too late, that she’s missed her chances and settled for a life that is far from the dreams she harboured as a young woman. Her life fell apart when she was let down badly in her twenties and her plans for the future evaporated. As a result she moved in with her older sister and lived with her for fifty years. But then Greta left too and Dolly’s life fell apart again.As a woman in my mid-fifties, I still have mental health issues, however I no longer experience that depth of hopeless despair because I now have the gift of hindsight. I realise that every year, whatever age you are, brings the possibility of following your dreams, of things turning around and a trough becoming a peak.Take my career. I didn’t get published until my mid forties and I know writers who’ve got their first deal a couple of decades after that. And then there are my drinking issues. For a long time I’d known I had a problem and it going full-blown was always *in the post* as addicts say. That post arrived big time when I got published and in 2016 I finally went into treatment. So it wasn’t too late for me, I got there eventually and now I’m almost six years sober.The key to finally achieving your goals? It’s facing your fears. Forcing yourself to do the most difficult thing. And accepting help from people to do so. For me… in my twenties it was a matter of undergoing therapy and forcing myself out to meet friends, and getting a job. To get published, I had to brace myself and send out work, with support from fellow writers. I received over eighty rejections but kept going. And to get sober, with the support of my husband and children I faced the scary prospect of a treatment programme with other addicts. It was one of the hardest processes I’ve ever been through, but when you reach a point where your situation feels as if it can’t get any worse, what have you go to lose?With the encouragement of her neighbours retired Leroy and eleven year old Flo, Dolly realises she, too, must push herself out of her comfort zone. When she bids on a piece of lost luggage and finds a notebook inside it, containing a Year of Firsts, the answer has landed in her lap.Dolly must undertake these challenges herself – with a little help from her friends.

Bookish August!

It’s been a busy August, plodding on with the first draft of my novel for April 2022… it’s taken a lot of thinking and I’m panicking already about the November deadline. I’ve already had to ask for it to be extended once.

However… I do finally feel I am in the zone and am loving the characters. It’s another story set in Manchester. I can’t say much more at the moment because that might kill my mojo!

So a lot of August has been spent online – but I’ve found time to enjoy myself in the real world  as well. A trip to Liverpool meant that I just had to pop into Waterstones to see pal Daniel Riding – bookseller, children’s author and artist. Do check out his art on Instagram @danielriding.

 

August also saw the 3rd birthday of my amazing publisher Boldwood Books. In 3 years they’ve sold 8 million books, so I just had to bake a cake to celebrate!

I’ve read some brilliant stories, including the new one coming out from Celia Anderson, Coming Home to Mistletoe Cottage and They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera. I was also gifted this beautiful bird book. I’m a huge fan of birdwatching and we’ve been blessed to have blue tits nesting in the garden this year. And a huge family of sparrows live in our bushes and leylandi!

 

But of course, my big news is that I’ve been getting ready to launch Lost Luggage on 22nd September! Final edits are done, cover tweaks… I can’t wait to share this story and have just ordered some gorgeous notebooks so keep your eyes peeled for competitions!

Below is the blurb, and it’s up for preorder now. I do hope you enjoy it!

One lost suitcase. Two strangers. And a notebook that will change lives.

For almost fifty years, sisters Dolly and Greta have lived together – getting each other through the good times and the bad.

Except this year, Greta isn’t there and Dolly is feeling lost and alone. In memory of her sister, Dolly heads to the lost luggage auction where she and Greta go each Christmas. But her bid reveals a gift she never imagined.

Amongst the clothes is the notebook of a reclusive woman who has hardly been outside for an entire year, but who isn’t ready to give up on life. The notebook’s contents resonate with Dolly. With the support of her neighbours, retired Leroy and eleven year old Flo, Dolly decides to take on the year of firsts Phoebe had planned.

But, can you have a year of firsts when you’re seventy-two? And is Dolly ready to discover the notebook’s secrets, or are some secrets better left lost at the airport?

 

Cover Reveal – Lost Luggage!

And here it is, the beautiful cover for Lost Luggage, out September 22nd!

It is up for preorder now and also on NetGalley for early reviewers!

 

 

 

Here is the blurb!

One lost suitcase. Two strangers. And a notebook that will change lives.

For almost fifty years, sisters Dolly and Greta have lived together – getting each other through the good times and the bad.

Except this year, Greta isn’t there and Dolly is feeling lost and alone. In memory of her sister, Dolly heads to the lost luggage auction where she and Greta go each Christmas. But her bid reveals a gift she never imagined.

Amongst the clothes is the notebook of a reclusive woman who has hardly been outside for an entire year, but who isn’t ready to give up on life. The notebook’s contents resonate with Dolly. With the support of her neighbours, retired Leroy and eleven year old Flo, Dolly decides to take on the year of firsts Phoebe had planned.

But, can you have a year of firsts when you’re seventy-two? And is Dolly ready to discover the notebook’s secrets, or are some secrets better left lost at the airport?

Rules Aren’t Rules

This week 9th – 13th May is Mental Health Awareness Week and I’d like to talk about how, as with all aspects of life, your experience of mental health is unique to you – and how you should never let anyone tell you that your problems and stresses are not valid. I’ll also examine this through the eye of being an author.

For over 30 years now I’ve suffered on, and off, with eating disorder issues and these eventually led to a drink problem. At times I’ve felt on top of the world when I’ve been most ill, certainly with the anorexic aspects. I wanted to be thin. I got thin. Mission accomplished. The trouble is, as with any ambition, the goalposts always move.  You’ve got a few pounds you’d like to lose. Getting into that size 12 is great. But perhaps you then decide a size 10 is better, and so on. Like being an author… you get published. Get into the top #100 on Kindle. Next time you want to get into the top #50. Then the top #10. You want foreign deals. You want awards. Your goals move so far away from your original one of simply wanting to see your book out there.

Like the anorexic who looks in the mirror and views themselves as overweight, an author who’s doing SO well can often see themselves as a failure, compared to their contemporaries, perhaps, or when that person at a dinner party asks if they’re earning as much as J K Rowling.

In 2016 I got sober and yes, I felt fantastic and still do on one of my many good days – but, unexpectedly, sobriety brought problems I never foresaw. Relationships changed – I wasn’t the same person. I lost friends. Instead of escaping into a glass of wine I now have to face my problems and triggers head on and deal with them – and deal with the fallout from doing that.

It’s like getting published – you think signing that first contract and stopping the gruelling submission process marks the end of a long and winding, difficult road, and it does, it’s amazing. But, like stopping drinking, it also heralds the beginning of another challenging journey. There are many wonderful moments ahead but negative ones can temper them – bad reviews, poor sales due to reasons out of of your control, deadlines that are stressful to meet.

During lockdown I had the best mental health I’d had for years, not the experience for a lot of people – and it’s taken a few steps backwards since coming out of the pandemic and having to once again face the stresses of modern life. It’s frustrating to return to a position I thought I’d left behind forever. Having longed for freedom when Covid restrictions went on and on, it’s been unexpected.

But it is what it is. I am what I am.

Never let people diminish the way you feel because the way they see you doesn’t reflect your inner world. Those who’ll say “But at least…” They think they’re helping but those words don’t reflect true empathy as they don’t acknowledge that you have valid reasons for finding your situation tough.

A slim person can have a problem with food or body image. A sober person doesn’t always find life 100% easier than before. A person who’s been in lockdown is allowed to find returning to their former unrestricted life challenging. An author who’s had success does have the right to sometimes feel down about their career.

There are no rules. 

 

One thing I firmly believe is…

Peaks and troughs are part of life. Happiness and unhappiness are part of life. Reaching a peak makes us happy in a way it wouldn’t if we were happy all the time. And the passing of time teaches us that a trough will always end, just as it has before.

But if your trough is so deep you can’t see a way out, TALK TO SOMEONE. That’s what I did in 2016 and I’ve never regretted it. Most of the time I love life now and I love my career. I accept the peaks and troughs and am more successful at not allowing other people to define anything about me. As is said in AA, anyone else’s view of you is none of your business.

Often bulimics or binge-eaters aren’t seen as *ill enough* to warrant medical  help, due to their BMI being classed as normal – due to a tick in a box. And yet the mortality rates amongst those suffering with eating disorders is higher than for any other mental illness. Whatever your challenges are, be them struggles on the personal front or with your job, always remember they are valid and you deserve the help to get better.

If you’re struggling why not choose this week to reach out?

 

 

 

PUBLICATION DAY – UNDER ONE ROOF!

I am so excited that my first book with Boldwood is out in the world!

I’m having a lovely publication day with biscuits from my publisher, and flowers from my agent and family, a lovely cross stitch frame from a reader. I feel very spoilt!

Here is the blurb and Under One Roof is now just 99p in the UK!

Wherever you live, grab your copy here!

 

One forgotten discovery will change three women’s lives for ever…

Robin hasn’t been home for decades. After running away to London, she never expected to see her cantankerous mother, Faye, again. But when Faye has a fall, the two women are thrown together once more.

The years apart have not made their hearts grow fonder and the ground between them is unsteady. Then Robin finds an unopened scroll – the last of the treasure hunts her much-missed father used to take them on every Sunday. A hunt he believed might change everything.

Yet, not even this gift from her beloved father can smooth the way until Robin’s daughter, Amber, arrives to meet her grandmother for the first time. Amber is determined that the decades-old mystery be solved.

Can a 30-year-old treasure hunt really ‘change everything’?

 

 

EXCLUSIVE EXTRACT Under one Roof

I’m very excited to share the first chapter of Under One Roof, out Feb 9th.

Just click here to read it!

Lovely early reviews are coming in, too, and the book is now up for preorder!

 

 

New Publisher, New Direction!

I am thrilled to announce that I have signed a four book deal with the amazing Boldwood Books!

Under One Roof will be out 9th February 2022 and is already up for preorder! It’s a multigenerational women’s fiction story about an estranged family, treasure hunt and it has ’80s elements.

I can’t wait to share this story that I loved writing.

Here’s the blurb!

 

Perfect for fans of Beth O’Leary and Paige Toon.

One forgotten discovery will change three women’s lives for ever…

 

Robin hasn’t been home for decades. After running away to London, she never expected to see her cantankerous mother, Faye, again. But when Faye has a fall, the two women are thrown together once more.

The years apart have not made their hearts grow fonder and the ground between them is unsteady. Then Robin finds an unopened scroll – the last of the treasure hunts her much-missed father used to take them on every Sunday. A hunt he believed might change everything.

 

Yet, not even this gift from her beloved father can smooth the way until Robin’s daughter, Amber, arrives to meet her grandmother for the first time.  Amber is determined that the decades-old mystery be solved.

Can a 30-year-old treasure hunt really ‘change everything’?

A Beta Help

It’s been a while since I last blogged and one reason is that I’ve been busy brainstorming and writing Book 16. It’s a little different from my previous stories and because of that I decided to use a beta reader.

For those of you not part of the publishing world, a beta reader looks at the manuscript before it is published/ your agent or editor takes a look. Mine is quite hands on, critiquing as I go along as well. She also happens to be my daughter! She graduated last year with a degree in English Literature and as part of that studied a module in Creative Writing. I decided to take advantage of her living at home during lockdown and asked if she’d consider taking this book on.

It’s been an absolute joy, I’ve agreed with most of what she’s suggested, and now I’m asking myself why I’ve never considered having a beta reader before. Many authors I know have critique partners and/or beta readers but it’s something I’ve always shied away from. Writing a book is a very personal process. However, before any of my work gets published it goes through rigorous appraisals by my agent and editors and I’ve become used, over the last 8 years, to receiving criticism.

Which is just as well. I still want to be talking to my daughter at the end of this process!

What have I found to be the benefits of having a beta reader?

As the author you can be so close to your work that you don’t see the obvious flaws… So the main benefit is, hopefully, that by having a beta reader you will eliminate the stand out problems earlier on in the process, before you rewrite, polish and send off the manuscript to your agent and/or editor. It’s always easier and less disheartening to unpick character development or plot sooner rather than later. 

This should mean that, organically, you are shaping the manuscript to a higher standard right from the start.

Specific examples

Book 16 is a subtly different in style and my beta reader is helping me realise this new direction, pointing out where I’ve slipped into old habits.

The structure of the book is not simply chapter after chapter all the way through, and it’s been great having her take on this as to whether it works or not, or adds anything of real value to the story.

Very importantly it’s been great to get feedback about the main characters and whether the ones I want the reader to like and root for appeal in some way, that their motivations resonate, even though their actions might be shocking or questionable.

Crucially, whether the pace is right – chapter after chapter of emotion and drama, for example, can leave a reader exhausted if there are no breaks. And  does she want to read on? Is it boring in any part?

She’s made suggestions about aspects I’d hadn’t considered – for example regarding characters that my protagonist has moved away from who, in my beta reader’s opinion, should still be part of the story.

And, of course, above all else… has my storytelling made her become invested in the story? Has she enjoyed it? 

All of this has been coupled with praise when pertinent. Now and then my daughter doodles a heart by a section she’s especially liked and this is such a boost and inspires me to keep doing my best.

And the drawbacks?

I can’t think of any – but then I’m 16 books into my career. If you are just starting out and haven’t had much experience of criticism, try not to take it personally, don’t let it dampen that heady passion we all feel when writing the first draft. Remember, a ny points that you agree with are only going to make your story stronger.

However also remember – it’s YOUR book. I don’t agree with everything suggested by my beta reader, by my agent or editors. Be honest enough to accept what you’ve written can be improved upon but, at the same time, listen to your heart if their view on something particularly rallies against yours.

What would my advice be to any writer considering taking on a beta reader?

Choose someone you absolutely trust with your work – not to talk about it with anyone else, or chat about it online. 

Pick someone who can be completely honest with you and be tough where necessary. The beta reader has to be able to criticise you without fear of reprisal! 

Make sure they understand the commitment – it’s a fair few hours of reading and commenting. You don’t want them to regret agreeing to help, or to drop out halfway through. 

I’ve still a fair way to go but am looking forward to when Book 16 is completed, as she’s a fast reader and is going to read the book in one go. This could throw out a fresh set of problems that I’m excited to address before my agent sees the story.

An author must never get complacent, must always keep striving to improve and expand their knowledge about the craft, and learning from my daughter has been such a rewarding part of this latest journey I’m trying to think up bribes for her to stay at home for as long as possible!