Kristen Brockmeyer's Blog, page 3
February 14, 2014
Awkward Vintage Valentines (Because nothing says true love like false teeth.)
If you haven't yet given your special someone a sweet Valentine to mark the day, I've put together a small collection of awkward vintage Valentines for your consideration... or not.
Skidoo. Skidoo, I say.
Image Credit: 22 Words
Because nothing says true love like false teeth.
Image Credit: Lumpy Dumpling (Pinterest)
Got any Valentine's Day plans? How about dinner and a movie?
Image Credit: Lumpy Dumpling (Pinterest)
You know. Because I won't trip over an endtable and drop it or something.
Image Credit: Kitty Stampede
I don't get it (is it the dog who cares?), but I'm still laughing.
Image Credit: Boing Boing
And one more, just for you. This awkward, squinty little ferret (mongoose? possum? honey badger?) wants you to be his Valentine. Or lunch, maybe.
Image Credit: Obake Style (Pinterest)
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! [
Skidoo. Skidoo, I say.
Image Credit: 22 WordsBecause nothing says true love like false teeth.
Image Credit: Lumpy Dumpling (Pinterest)Got any Valentine's Day plans? How about dinner and a movie?
Image Credit: Lumpy Dumpling (Pinterest)You know. Because I won't trip over an endtable and drop it or something.
Image Credit: Kitty StampedeI don't get it (is it the dog who cares?), but I'm still laughing.
Image Credit: Boing BoingAnd one more, just for you. This awkward, squinty little ferret (mongoose? possum? honey badger?) wants you to be his Valentine. Or lunch, maybe.
Image Credit: Obake Style (Pinterest)Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! [
February 13, 2014
How do you get your book listed on an Amazon Top 100 list?
I don't know, but that's what happened to me this week!
That's mah book, baby! Up there with a Janet Evanovich! I've been joking all week that my time on that Top 100 list was the most glorious 10 minutes of my life. Like I said, no clue how it happened, but I've been trying to figure it out so I can do it again someday.
I've read about the mysterious formulas and algorithms that are used to calculate Amazon's Top 100 lists, but was able to make no sense out of them, except to end up with the vague understanding that the more sales you get in a short amount of time, the better your chances are of ranking. I think Lucky in Love ended up there through, well, sheer luck. And maybe a combination of a few other things.
I'm working on a sort of sequel to Lucky--spin-off novel telling the story of two other characters in the book. Sales on Lucky had been pretty underwhelming lately, with just one extremely kind but lonely review on B&N, Smashwords and Goodreads and none yet on Amazon. I hoped to build up a readership in advance and maybe get some feedback. So, in my attempts to self-promote (HA! I stink at that.), I decided to make Lucky a free e-book for February wherever I could. Incidentally, on B&N and Smashwords, that's easy. Amazon, not so much, except for Prime readers.
Almost simultaneously, in another attempt to get the word out there, I entered Lucky in a giveaway on Freebooksy, a well-known site for promoting free e-books. They charge $25, but the huge jump in my Facebook fan numbers alone made that price well worth it.
Image Credit: FotosearchSome combination of those events resulted in me doing a very happy dance on Monday morning. Amazon updates their lists hourly, and I can only think that my book must have been on it most of the night, because I experienced an astronomical (for me) jump in sales before it was all over.
Full disclosure here on earnings? I made $1.40. Four copies sold at $0.99 and the rest were freebies. Not even enough to buy a decaf Starbucks mocha, or really even leave a decent tip, but I'm completely happy with those results, since I now have 60 more chances to have someone read Lucky, hopefully enjoy themselves and maybe even write a little note on Amazon to let everyone else know how much fun they had with my book.
One kind reader already has, posting this 5-star review on both Amazon and B&N:
A mix of some Janet Evanovich-esque quirkiness in the leading lady makes this book a page turner! You fall in love and relate to Lucky instantly. Add in some spicy sex scenes with the knight in shining armor sprinkled with humor and even some drama and action and you have a must read written by an up and coming author. From the first page, I was hooked and unable to put the book down. Anxiously awaiting more books by this author!
To me, that single review was worth giving away 60 copies.
And, on a side note, my freaked out, early Monday morning Facebook post touting the news gained me more hits than any other FB post I've ever made: 430 views and I only have 273 fans. That's a whole lotta sharing going on.
So, in summary, I'm not a famous writer yet, but for a little while this week, I sure felt like one! Have you made an Amazon Top 100 list? Was it the result of careful planning or just pure, sweet luck? I'd love to hear your feedback in the comments.[
That's mah book, baby! Up there with a Janet Evanovich! I've been joking all week that my time on that Top 100 list was the most glorious 10 minutes of my life. Like I said, no clue how it happened, but I've been trying to figure it out so I can do it again someday.
I've read about the mysterious formulas and algorithms that are used to calculate Amazon's Top 100 lists, but was able to make no sense out of them, except to end up with the vague understanding that the more sales you get in a short amount of time, the better your chances are of ranking. I think Lucky in Love ended up there through, well, sheer luck. And maybe a combination of a few other things.
I'm working on a sort of sequel to Lucky--spin-off novel telling the story of two other characters in the book. Sales on Lucky had been pretty underwhelming lately, with just one extremely kind but lonely review on B&N, Smashwords and Goodreads and none yet on Amazon. I hoped to build up a readership in advance and maybe get some feedback. So, in my attempts to self-promote (HA! I stink at that.), I decided to make Lucky a free e-book for February wherever I could. Incidentally, on B&N and Smashwords, that's easy. Amazon, not so much, except for Prime readers.
Almost simultaneously, in another attempt to get the word out there, I entered Lucky in a giveaway on Freebooksy, a well-known site for promoting free e-books. They charge $25, but the huge jump in my Facebook fan numbers alone made that price well worth it.
Image Credit: FotosearchSome combination of those events resulted in me doing a very happy dance on Monday morning. Amazon updates their lists hourly, and I can only think that my book must have been on it most of the night, because I experienced an astronomical (for me) jump in sales before it was all over.Full disclosure here on earnings? I made $1.40. Four copies sold at $0.99 and the rest were freebies. Not even enough to buy a decaf Starbucks mocha, or really even leave a decent tip, but I'm completely happy with those results, since I now have 60 more chances to have someone read Lucky, hopefully enjoy themselves and maybe even write a little note on Amazon to let everyone else know how much fun they had with my book.
One kind reader already has, posting this 5-star review on both Amazon and B&N:
A mix of some Janet Evanovich-esque quirkiness in the leading lady makes this book a page turner! You fall in love and relate to Lucky instantly. Add in some spicy sex scenes with the knight in shining armor sprinkled with humor and even some drama and action and you have a must read written by an up and coming author. From the first page, I was hooked and unable to put the book down. Anxiously awaiting more books by this author!
To me, that single review was worth giving away 60 copies.
And, on a side note, my freaked out, early Monday morning Facebook post touting the news gained me more hits than any other FB post I've ever made: 430 views and I only have 273 fans. That's a whole lotta sharing going on.
So, in summary, I'm not a famous writer yet, but for a little while this week, I sure felt like one! Have you made an Amazon Top 100 list? Was it the result of careful planning or just pure, sweet luck? I'd love to hear your feedback in the comments.[
February 5, 2014
Book Review: The Break-Up Psychic by Emily Hemmer
As a writer, I follow all kinds of blogs and Facebook pages and Twitter feeds. Like, hundreds. That’s probably why I don’t get enough writing done, actually. But it’s all worth it when I find a writer like Emily Hemmer. Her blog and Facebook page have cracked me up from the get-go, and when she posted an Oprah meme letting FB fans know her book was free (“You get a free book! And you get a free book! Everyone gets a free book!), I jumped on it. Read the first two pages. And then proceeded to devour The Break-Up Psychic in just a few hours.Book: The Break-Up PsychicAuthor: Emily HemmerPublisher: Emily HemmerGenre: Romantic ComedyRating: [ [ [ [ [ (5 out of 5 hearts!)
About the Book:Ellie has a bad habit of picking the wrong man; a cheating ex-boyfriend, a mild-mannered foot fetishist, and let’s not forget about the hillbilly with the impolite hard-on. But when Sam James, the oh-so-hot bad boy Ellie has sworn to stay away from, keeps turning up like a bad penny, she’s going to need more than her psychic senses to see what’s coming her way.
My Thoughts:I love romance and I love humor, but it seems like finding a book that combines those two elements effectively is harder than walking a tightrope while wearing flippers and carrying a big suitcase. Either you get a book that’s heavy on the hilarity, but the relationship doesn’t quite ring your bell, or the love story between the main characters is honest and believable but the funny stuff falls flat. I'm happy to say that neither of those were an issue here.
Ellie, The Break-Up Psychic herself, is a likeable character that I can easily picture being friends with. She’s got rotten luck in the man department, and has been burned many times—so many, that when she meets Sam, a sexy, motorcycle-riding mechanic with “bad idea” written all over him, she doesn’t trust her head, her attraction, or the notable lack of psychic alarm bells that usually go off when she’s about to get her heart stomped on again.
Sam and Ellie’s relationship struck me as believable and realistic, perfectly created with complexity and depth. And I almost hesitate to confess this, since it’s never happened before in all the years I’ve been reading romance, but I’d seriously consider Sam for the position of my book boyfriend. In a word? Yum. Plus, the supporting cast, Ellie’s best friend Luanne, coworkers Brooke and Amber (I love Amber – she’s got to be some close relative of my favorite Parks and Recreation character, April Ludgate), and everyone else that shows up throughout this story, are really well-written. No cookie cutter characters here, that’s for sure, even among the secondaries.
And finally, add Emily Hemmer’s unique brand of humor (quirky, surprising, offbeat) into the mix. It’s not just that there are funny scenes that leave you like oh, that situation was hilarious (even though some of them are, like the mysterious teddy bear massacre or the flavored body powder taste-testing)—it’s more like shiny comedic threads are woven throughout the whole story. Kind of like the caramel in Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food. That ice cream would be delicious without it, but add the caramel, and the whole experience is elevated from tasty to BUH-BAMM.
In all? Two thumbs up. I don’t make the promise of a five-star read lightly and The Break-Up Psychic is totally worthy of the rating.
About the Author:According to her Yahoo! Shine horoscope for 2013, this year looks to be the best of Emily’s life. She has plans to publish three books, win countess accolades from her peers, and literally roll around on a bed made of money. She also plans to purchase a new dishwasher. (Emily’s full bio is here. I just liked this part the best.)
Connect with Emily Hemmer:Blog Facebook Twitter Goodreads
Buy the Book:AmazonBarnes and NobleSmashwords
Disclaimer: I received a free digital copy of The Break-Up Psychic from Oprah Winfrey—I mean, Emily Hemmer, during a Facebook contest. The review was my idea and when I asked permission to post it, I was promptly told to put that shit up.
About the Book:Ellie has a bad habit of picking the wrong man; a cheating ex-boyfriend, a mild-mannered foot fetishist, and let’s not forget about the hillbilly with the impolite hard-on. But when Sam James, the oh-so-hot bad boy Ellie has sworn to stay away from, keeps turning up like a bad penny, she’s going to need more than her psychic senses to see what’s coming her way.
My Thoughts:I love romance and I love humor, but it seems like finding a book that combines those two elements effectively is harder than walking a tightrope while wearing flippers and carrying a big suitcase. Either you get a book that’s heavy on the hilarity, but the relationship doesn’t quite ring your bell, or the love story between the main characters is honest and believable but the funny stuff falls flat. I'm happy to say that neither of those were an issue here.
Ellie, The Break-Up Psychic herself, is a likeable character that I can easily picture being friends with. She’s got rotten luck in the man department, and has been burned many times—so many, that when she meets Sam, a sexy, motorcycle-riding mechanic with “bad idea” written all over him, she doesn’t trust her head, her attraction, or the notable lack of psychic alarm bells that usually go off when she’s about to get her heart stomped on again.
Sam and Ellie’s relationship struck me as believable and realistic, perfectly created with complexity and depth. And I almost hesitate to confess this, since it’s never happened before in all the years I’ve been reading romance, but I’d seriously consider Sam for the position of my book boyfriend. In a word? Yum. Plus, the supporting cast, Ellie’s best friend Luanne, coworkers Brooke and Amber (I love Amber – she’s got to be some close relative of my favorite Parks and Recreation character, April Ludgate), and everyone else that shows up throughout this story, are really well-written. No cookie cutter characters here, that’s for sure, even among the secondaries.
And finally, add Emily Hemmer’s unique brand of humor (quirky, surprising, offbeat) into the mix. It’s not just that there are funny scenes that leave you like oh, that situation was hilarious (even though some of them are, like the mysterious teddy bear massacre or the flavored body powder taste-testing)—it’s more like shiny comedic threads are woven throughout the whole story. Kind of like the caramel in Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food. That ice cream would be delicious without it, but add the caramel, and the whole experience is elevated from tasty to BUH-BAMM.
In all? Two thumbs up. I don’t make the promise of a five-star read lightly and The Break-Up Psychic is totally worthy of the rating.
About the Author:According to her Yahoo! Shine horoscope for 2013, this year looks to be the best of Emily’s life. She has plans to publish three books, win countess accolades from her peers, and literally roll around on a bed made of money. She also plans to purchase a new dishwasher. (Emily’s full bio is here. I just liked this part the best.)Connect with Emily Hemmer:Blog Facebook Twitter Goodreads
Buy the Book:AmazonBarnes and NobleSmashwords
Disclaimer: I received a free digital copy of The Break-Up Psychic from Oprah Winfrey—I mean, Emily Hemmer, during a Facebook contest. The review was my idea and when I asked permission to post it, I was promptly told to put that shit up.
January 30, 2014
Hello from Amazon KDP!
Image Credit: The FictionistaThe book “Lucky in Love” you recently submitted to KDP has possible spelling errors in your converted file. Consider correcting these and resubmitting....I definitely did not want to be sitting in front of this gorgeous man looking like a toddler that had just gone buckwild on a birthday cake....
...There was no way I was going out there with the creeptastic cornfield....
...Chance worries too much." I went to the table, hugged him tightly, and swiped a fingerfull of chocolate icing....
...It was snapped when I was in mid-flight, trying to catch a Frisbee, but they had cropped the Frisbee out, so it was just my face, sporting a weird grimacey scowl....
...Finally, I got my ladybits mostly covered, except for my butt, and just figured I wouldn't turn my back to him....
...I had to tone it down or Chance would take one look at the combination of love and fear I was currently skitzing out on and go running the other direction....
...A swish, swish, thub sound....
...I had no idea that my hair was spiraling out every whichway in wiry reddish sprigs and I still had some post-wedding mascara smudged under my eyes....
You have chosen to ignore these possible errors.
Regards,
Kindle Direct Publishing
January 27, 2014
A free book. (Just because it's snowy outside.)
I spent all weekend wrapped up in my new (used) Nook, reading, while the snow piled up deeper and deeper outside to a still-growing tune of about 10 fluffy new inches. And let me tell you, reading is my favorite way to spend excessively snowy days. Or really, any day.
Image Credit: PinterestSince a lot of the country is getting buried under the same white stuff as us Michiganders, I'd like to do a giveaway of Lucky in Love. Just in case you're in need of something to do read on one of these frozen, snowbound afternoons or looking for a sanity saver as you juggle kids high on their umpteenth snow day this month. But if you want to read it on while sprawled on a deck chair in Honolulu, that's cool, too.
To get a free copy of Lucky in Love, click on the cover below and enter the coupon code LN89K at checkout. Do it quick, though, because the coupon is only good through Sunday, February 2!
Lucky MacFarlane... isn't. And, mostly, she's used to that. Lucky's bad luck streak is as much a part of who she is as her blue eyes and her vintage wardrobe. But a lifetime of clumsy accidents and embarrassing moments can't prepare her for what happens when she runs into sexy ex-boyfriend, Chance Atkins. Literally. With her 1948 Buick Roadmaster.
Now, Lucky's got a few questions. Like why Chance moved away without a word 10 years before—right after a memorable scene in the backseat of her car. Does his return have anything to do with the disappearance of Julian, her geriatric sometimes-roommate and drinking buddy? Why did someone just shoot out her kitchen window? And does Chance need a license for those dimples? Because they're killer hot.
Happy reading! [
Image Credit: PinterestSince a lot of the country is getting buried under the same white stuff as us Michiganders, I'd like to do a giveaway of Lucky in Love. Just in case you're in need of something to do read on one of these frozen, snowbound afternoons or looking for a sanity saver as you juggle kids high on their umpteenth snow day this month. But if you want to read it on while sprawled on a deck chair in Honolulu, that's cool, too.To get a free copy of Lucky in Love, click on the cover below and enter the coupon code LN89K at checkout. Do it quick, though, because the coupon is only good through Sunday, February 2!
Lucky MacFarlane... isn't. And, mostly, she's used to that. Lucky's bad luck streak is as much a part of who she is as her blue eyes and her vintage wardrobe. But a lifetime of clumsy accidents and embarrassing moments can't prepare her for what happens when she runs into sexy ex-boyfriend, Chance Atkins. Literally. With her 1948 Buick Roadmaster.
Now, Lucky's got a few questions. Like why Chance moved away without a word 10 years before—right after a memorable scene in the backseat of her car. Does his return have anything to do with the disappearance of Julian, her geriatric sometimes-roommate and drinking buddy? Why did someone just shoot out her kitchen window? And does Chance need a license for those dimples? Because they're killer hot.
Happy reading! [
January 24, 2014
And the winner is...
Drumroll, please?
Amber Page is the winner of my Winter Survival Giveaway!
Image Credit: The New York TimesThat ticker tape parade was actually in honor of astronaut John Glenn and his return to terra firma in 1962, but let's just pretend I'm throwing it for you, Amber.
Happy Friday and thanks for playing, everyone! [
Amber Page is the winner of my Winter Survival Giveaway!
Image Credit: The New York TimesThat ticker tape parade was actually in honor of astronaut John Glenn and his return to terra firma in 1962, but let's just pretend I'm throwing it for you, Amber.Happy Friday and thanks for playing, everyone! [
January 16, 2014
10 Ineffective Steps Toward Getting Organized
original illustration credit: the wonderful Allie Brosh1. Notice that the number of things you need to do is starting to get overwhelming.2. Decide to make a to-do list.
3. Debate for 40 minutes over the merits of Excel v. Word.
4. Research effectiveness of each. Decide you're better in Word, even though Excel looks more professional. Create a table in Word. Realize you should have picked Excel.
5. Find an "all the things" image for the top of the page. The meme's kind of outdated but every good to-do list still needs this.
6. Hunt for 30 minutes for the perfect coordinating font.
7. Decide Arial 12 is less distracting than that very cool and nearly illegible handwriting font you found.
8. Tweet a warning against procrastination.
9. Call your to-do list prototype done. After three hours, it's finally perfect.
10. Completely forget what you meant to put on it.
11. (Bonus step.) Scrap the to-do list and just document the whole process in a blog post instead. Blogging was one of those things you meant to do anyway.
January 13, 2014
Giveaway: A Reader's Winter Survival Care Package
Today is a beautiful day in southwest Michigan, with temps in the 40's. But I can't easily forget last week, when the temperature felt 80 degrees colder and we had 17 inches of snow fall in a matter of a couple days. Um, brrr?
At least they look happy about it. (Image credit: Shorpy)So, in deference to the fact that it's only January and I'm pretty sure the scene above will be the norm again soon, I'm giving away a care package full of items I think are totally necessary to surviving winter intact: yummy-smelling lotions, hot cocoa, a digital copy of Lucky in Love, and more!
To enter, check out the Rafflecopter giveaway below, and in the comments, tell me what your #1 winter survival necessity is. And don't worry: if you're in Key West or the Bahamas and your answer is suntan lotion--I'll be super jealous, but you'll still be qualified to win. [
a Rafflecopter giveaway
At least they look happy about it. (Image credit: Shorpy)So, in deference to the fact that it's only January and I'm pretty sure the scene above will be the norm again soon, I'm giving away a care package full of items I think are totally necessary to surviving winter intact: yummy-smelling lotions, hot cocoa, a digital copy of Lucky in Love, and more!To enter, check out the Rafflecopter giveaway below, and in the comments, tell me what your #1 winter survival necessity is. And don't worry: if you're in Key West or the Bahamas and your answer is suntan lotion--I'll be super jealous, but you'll still be qualified to win. [
a Rafflecopter giveaway
January 10, 2014
PSA: Now Accepting Romances to Review!
Written a romance lately? Want somebody to review it? Hey, I can probably do that!
Image Credit: Huffington PostWho am I kidding? I'm in Michigan. Not someplace warm and grassy. Reading outside anytime in the next five months would go more like this:
Image Credit: The GuardianIf you're interested in having your book reviewed, check out my Request Review page. To get an idea of my review style, go here or here, or maybe here. If you want more info on how I go about writing romance reviews, see On Writing Book Reviews.
Image Credit: Huffington PostWho am I kidding? I'm in Michigan. Not someplace warm and grassy. Reading outside anytime in the next five months would go more like this:
Image Credit: The GuardianIf you're interested in having your book reviewed, check out my Request Review page. To get an idea of my review style, go here or here, or maybe here. If you want more info on how I go about writing romance reviews, see On Writing Book Reviews.
December 6, 2013
The Top 5 Weirdest Keywords that Landed People Here
If you blog, have you ever taken time to look at your stats section? It's not all just numbers. Sometimes there's some crazy stuff in there. For example, here are the top five weirdest search phrases that have brought readers to my site:
5. "Mean face"
Come one, is this face really that intimidating?
Okay, sorry. That was taken a couple of years ago when I was really pregnant.
4. "Vintage secretary"
Image Credit: dandonley.blogspot.comVavoom. Maybe not quite the vintage secretary (pinup) Googlers were searching for...
3. "Kristen Brockmeyer foreclosure"
Image Credit: Time.comYeah, seriously. There's probably not too many Kristen Brockmeyers out there who lost their homes during the mortgage boom and were interviewed by Glamour magazine afterward (I'd link the article, but it's not flattering. Yuck.). Kind of creepy, though, that phrase being searched by someone so specifically!
2. "Kurt Cobain"
Kurt Cobain: Image CreditDearly departed lead singer of the 90's grunge band, Nirvana. Mentioned him once in passing and he's been bringing in blog hits ever since...
1. "shot in the butt"
Image Credit: tvtropes.org
Wait, what? What kind of blog do you think I'm running here that I'd use that sort of phrase? Oh, wait, I did use it, when I was reviewing Diane Burton's One Red Shoe. Sorry.
What's the weirdest search term anyone's used to end up your blog? [
5. "Mean face"
Come one, is this face really that intimidating?
Okay, sorry. That was taken a couple of years ago when I was really pregnant.
4. "Vintage secretary"
Image Credit: dandonley.blogspot.comVavoom. Maybe not quite the vintage secretary (pinup) Googlers were searching for...3. "Kristen Brockmeyer foreclosure"
Image Credit: Time.comYeah, seriously. There's probably not too many Kristen Brockmeyers out there who lost their homes during the mortgage boom and were interviewed by Glamour magazine afterward (I'd link the article, but it's not flattering. Yuck.). Kind of creepy, though, that phrase being searched by someone so specifically! 2. "Kurt Cobain"
Kurt Cobain: Image CreditDearly departed lead singer of the 90's grunge band, Nirvana. Mentioned him once in passing and he's been bringing in blog hits ever since...1. "shot in the butt"
Image Credit: tvtropes.orgWait, what? What kind of blog do you think I'm running here that I'd use that sort of phrase? Oh, wait, I did use it, when I was reviewing Diane Burton's One Red Shoe. Sorry.
What's the weirdest search term anyone's used to end up your blog? [
