Carl Greer's Blog, page 3

The Art of Listening

Hitchhiking across the U.S. as a young man, spending countless hours in strangers’ cars, I began to develop my listening skills. I heard stories of broken hearts and lessons learned. A Catholic priest shared his experiences of the religious life with me, and in my next ride, a Protestant minister shared his different perspective. The […]

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When You Have Unfinished Business

If you were to take stock of your life, would you be uncomfortable with the amount of unfinished business you have? Maybe you meant to clear the air with someone or begin working toward a certain goal, but something always stopped you. Reflecting on unfinished business can help you to take actions that will tie […]

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When You Have Unfinished Business

If you were to take stock of your life, would you be uncomfortable with the amount of unfinished business you have? Maybe you meant to clear the air with someone or begin working toward a certain goal, but something always stopped you. Reflecting on unfinished business can help you to take actions that will tie up loose ends, provide closure, and possibly help you and others to heal.

Years ago, when my father was admitted to the hospital with a life-threatening condition, I visited him. At his bedside, I told him, “I love you, Dad.” I hadn’t said that to my father very often, even when I was a child. Men and boys growing up in the postwar Midwest often avoided sentimentality, and Dad and I conformed to that social norm. Now seemed a good time to make sure I affirmed what he surely knew but I rarely expressed.

“People throw that term around a lot, Carl,” my father replied.

I paused, but then I pressed on. “That may be true, but still… I love you.”

He seemed uncomfortable, but then he said quietly, “I love you, too.”

My dad recovered from that health scare, but in the years that followed, until he passed away, he told the people he cared about “I love you” more often. Maybe my choice to break the old rules about what a father and son say to each other had loosened up something in him.

As you look back on your life, is there something you wish you’d said to a loved one but somehow never did?

Have you been fully present for people in the ways you would want them to be present for you?

Have you asked forgiveness for having wronged them? If someone wronged you, did you remain silent or simply cut them off but are now thinking you would like to clear the air?

St. Francis is said to have been asked while he was working in his garden, “If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do?” His answer: “Keep working in my garden.” Whatever your garden, however, you occupy your time, think about what you have and haven’t done to resolve any unfinished business. How do you feel about any loose threads that could use tying up?

Unfinished business with others may be something you have to resolve within yourself. That can be particularly true if they rebuff your outreach to have a conversation or they ignore your letter or phone call to them. You can energetically release anger, guilt, fear, sorrow—or something else, such as your need to be right, your need to have the last word, or the need to save face.

A ritual outdoors or at a window you can open can help you to release whatever it is you want to let go of to gain a sense of resolution. You might say aloud (or silently) “I release my anger at this person” or “I release my need to get my adult son to see things my way” or something similar. Then let the wind carry away your words and the energy of your feelings. As you do so, imagine the wind taking whatever it is that you’ve held onto for too long and dispersing it as it travels over land and water, far away from you.

When you feel you’ve released what you need to let go of, pause and observe how you feel.

Do you sense that now you are holding space for something new to come in?

Do you feel relief arising? A sense of lightness?

Close your eyes and notice whether you experience any thoughts, emotions, or sensations.

Do you feel revitalized? Empty? Numb? Something else?

You might also want to resolve your relationship with Source or Spirit. When you use the term for Source that you were taught in your youth, how does that make you feel?

Do you want to let go of any negative connotations with the word “God,” for example?

What if anything could you release to create space energetically for a new relationship with Source? For example, have you held on to certain beliefs about God and religion and spirituality that you now realize make you feel sad, lonely, or uncomfortable in some other way?

If you discarded those beliefs, maybe your relationship with the Source of all wisdom, life, and creation would shift in a positive way.

Unfinished business with yourself and your spiritual nature can be addressed through spiritual practices. You might try out ones you haven’t used for years, such as praying or try a new one. Let yourself be uncomfortable at first if that’s what happens.

Or, write the chapter in the story of your life about your relationship with Source and any unfinished business related to it. See how you feel as a result. Would you like to change the story?

And if so, what would you like it to be in the future?

Reconnecting with Source can help you to relativize your problems and see them as less overwhelming. Would you like to experience that? If so, you might want to engage in spiritual practices more often and spend more time being in nature outdoors—or connecting with nature in some way indoors, if you can’t go out.

As a clinical psychologist and Jungian analyst, I sometimes worked with stage-4 cancer patients who came to my office for healing and who found that regardless of what was happening with them physically, resolving unfinished business with others or with Source helped them experience healing that was valuable to them. Those of my clients who chose to deal with their unfinished business and work toward achieving closure in some way often had a sense of calm, acceptance, and equanimity despite the prospect of succumbing to their disease.

You, in contrast, might be in excellent health and good spirits—and confident that the end of your life is a long way off. Even so, addressing unfinished business can help you to feel less burdened, less resentful, and freed up to live with increased vitality.

Shamans say that to die a good death is to leave behind as much unfinished business as possible. Are you creating more unfinished business or cleaning up what lingers so that you can move forward with no regrets?

A version of this article appeared in OMTimes.

You can learn more about shamanic and Jungian techniques for healing in the award-winning books Change Your Story, Change Your Life and Change the Story of Your Health.

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Tidying Up Your Bucket List

Many people have a bucket list, a list of things they want to make sure they experience in this life. Is it possible that it’s time to tidy up your bucket list because it no longer reflects your values and deepest desires? When you read your bucket list, you might feel inadequate or embarrassed because […]

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Tidying Up Your Bucket List

Many people have a bucket list, a list of things they want to make sure they experience in this life. Is it possible that it’s time to tidy up your bucket list because it no longer reflects your values and deepest desires?

When you read your bucket list, you might feel inadequate or embarrassed because you haven’t accomplished your goals. Rewriting it might help you let go of those feelings. It’s okay to admit the thought of having a particular experience no longer excites you as it once did. Your guilt, frustration, or embarrassment at seeing what’s been lingering on your list for years might be telling you that it’s time to dream different dreams.

Maybe you’ve realized you no longer have to prove yourself to anyone and doing something that impresses other people doesn’t have appeal to you as it once did. It’s okay to not travel to the land of your ancestors just because your family always felt that’s an important thing to do if you don’t feel the same way. Perhaps you aspire instead to travel someplace where you can swim with dolphins or meet people from a completely different culture from your own. Release the weight of having your bucket list heavy with other people’s expectations of you and notice how much lighter you feel.

Keep in mind, too, that the form of the experience you swore you ought to have someday doesn’t have to stay the same. You might decide to cross off “write a novel” and instead choose “write my life story and turn it into a book.” Maybe you no longer want “I will marry again” on your list and will replace that with “I will enjoy life with my new romantic partner regardless of whether we decide to marry someday.” As you go down your list reading each item, listen to your heart. What still inspires you and what makes you feel dispirited at the thought of what you “ought” to have made happen by now? Explore whether you want to let go of that goal or change it to be more inspiring for you.

Tidying up your bucket list can be a good exercise in becoming more conscious of what you want to experience and why—and what dreams you are ready to release because you have new aspirations now. If you’re spending your time doing what makes you feel a sense of vitality, happiness, and well-being, is there really anything you haven’t yet done that generates a feeling of joy and anticipation when you think about it? If there is, that’s what you should place it at the top of your bucket list. And don’t just leave it there: Find a way today to start making it happen.

A version of this article appeared in Natural Awakenings.

Learn more about using shamanic and Jungian tools for personal transformation in my books Change Your Story, Change Your Life and Change the Story of Your Health.

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What Roles Do You Play in the Story of Your Life?

We all have a story about who we are and why we experience what we do. What is your story? What roles do you play in the story of your life? Are you the wounded healer? Are you always the bridesmaid, never the bride? Maybe your story is called “I can’t trust myself so I’m […]

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What Roles Do You Play in the Story of Your Life?

We all have a story about who we are and why we experience what we do. What is your story? What roles do you play in the story of your life? Are you the wounded healer? Are you always the bridesmaid, never the bride?

Maybe your story is called “I can’t trust myself so I’m hoping someone will rescue me before I mess up too badly story” but you want it to be called “I’ve got this!”

What part of you is making it hard to adopt the new story?

You can learn more about that self that is the overlooked bridesmaid or wounded healer and develop a different relationship to these aspects of who you are. You could learn something about that insecure part of you and discover what you could do to be more confident. Doing this might help you transform your habitual behaviors and attitudes, change your story, and change your roles in the story of your life.

The story you are living according to right now might not be working for you. If you were to write a new story yourself to explain what you have been through and where you are in your life’s journey, you might feel courageous instead of scared…

valued instead of taken for granted…

seen instead of overlooked…

competent instead of incompetent…

If you work as a healer—an acupuncturist, a counselor, or a nurse, for example—maybe you can discover new ways in which your own wounds can help you be more understanding of others who are suffering.

To write a better story, you must first acknowledge what your story has been until this point and what roles you have played in it. If you were “always the bridesmaid,” who cast you in that role? In other words, who wrote the story about how your needs and happiness are secondary to someone else’s? And why did you adopt that story? Did you even realize you adopted it?

Although it can be painful to see your story for what it truly is and be honest about your role in scripting it, doing so can help you claim your power to make different choices in the future.

Every role you have played in your life has qualities that you might not want to look at them too closely because they make you feel embarrassed or insecure.

If you have always been the bridesmaid, supporting others and not receiving support yourself, maybe you have at times pushed away help that was offered to you. Maybe you are the wounded healer, able to help others but not fully recovered from your own wounds, wearing yourself out as you care for others but don’t take care of yourself. Perhaps you haven’t acknowledged how much healing you need to keep yourself strong.

As you think about your past, consider whether you could write a new story about your relationship to the bridesmaid, wounded healer, or insecure and doubting self within you.

If you want to feel confident, imagine that self-doubting character you inhabit at times. What would you call this character? What does this “self” look like? Can you find something lovable about it? How has it helped you? Could it continue to help you in the future without your letting it take over and stop you from stepping out boldly?

As you think about these inner selves that have qualities that embarrass you or make it hard for you to be confident, imagine that they have strengths you have overlooked that have served you. Close your eyes, meditate to reduce the activity of your conscious mind, and let your unconscious mind guide you to receive a message from this character that represents a role you have played.

Maybe your bridesmaid within you, the self that regularly supports others, needs to start helping you more often.

Maybe the wounded healer in you will recognize where you are not setting firm boundaries with others so you can take care of your own needs a little better.

Maybe your doubting self, who is uncertain about whether you can be trusted with decision making, can recognize that you do make good decisions when you give yourself time to examine your doubts. Maybe it can convince you to be honest about whether you’re ready for a particular challenge and get some help from others rather than try to do everything on your own.

Change your relationship with these aspects of yourself that are like selves within and you will start to change your story about what happened to you and why. That sets you up to fully claim the role of the storyteller of your life and helps you write a new story, one that’s more pleasing to you and Spirit.

A version of this article appeared in OMTimes.

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Rewrite the Story That Has Held You Back

What’s your story? Is it working for you? Some people would say their story is “I guess I wasn’t born under a lucky star” or perhaps “I’m a drama queen!” and might not realize that they believe this story so thoroughly that it’s holding them back from achieving their goals. Others will say, “I’m doing […]

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Rewrite the Story That Has Held You Back

What’s your story?

Is it working for you?

Some people would say their story is “I guess I wasn’t born under a lucky star” or perhaps “I’m a drama queen!” and might not realize that they believe this story so thoroughly that it’s holding them back from achieving their goals. Others will say, “I’m doing pretty well all things considered” and are uncomfortable acknowledging their real story, the one that makes them feel sad, angry, unworthy, or powerless. Hidden beliefs that shape feelings and perceptions can be very constricting and sabotage a person’s conscious efforts to achieve their goals.

It’s possible to rewrite a story that has held you back, but first, you have to be honest about what it is. That’s not always a comfortable thing to do but it can also be liberating.

Are you secretly holding onto a story called “I was born unlucky and shouldn’t expect too much from life”? Or perhaps you hold a deep belief that “People like me are followers, not leaders, and imitators, not inventors”? Maybe your hidden story is called “Drama is my middle name” and it’s causing you to perpetuate unnecessary emotional dramas instead of putting your energy into creating the life you say you want to live.

Hidden stories and not-so-hidden stories that hold us back very often have been written by someone else—our families or our teachers, for example—and we’ve internalized them without consciously questioning them. Maybe your parents expected you to work hard and not aim too high above your station. Consequently, you’ve avoided stepping into the spotlight or taking risks you know you need to take if you’re going to achieve your dreams. Maybe you don’t believe that you can make your own luck, but you want to feel empowered and set higher goals than you have in the past.

Your story might not seem to be disempowering but maybe you’re fooling yourself. If your friends tease you about what a drama queen you are and you laugh at the label, be honest with yourself. Are you tired of the painful emotional roller coaster that goes along with that story?

If you’re not sure what your story is—what belief has been shaping your perceptions of who you are, what you’ve experienced, and what your future is likely to be—you can start by identifying a song lyric, book or movie title, or saying that seems to capture it. You might want to set an intention to discover your story through meditation. Pose the question to yourself, “What is my story, really?” Then let your unconscious convey its message in words, sensations, or images. Journal about the insights that come to you. You might even write out the story of your life in two or three pages. Look for themes. What title seems to fit this story?

Once you’ve identified your story up until this point in your life, consider its payoffs and drawbacks, keeping in mind that all stories have both. Not taking risks may keep you from the pain of failure but also from the joy of trying to achieve a goal that’s important to you. Being “a drama queen” can help you avoid the discomfort you would feel if you took ownership of your role in creating dramas. But it can also exhaust you given all the effort it takes to distract yourself from reflecting on your behavior patterns.

Now think about whether you want to write a new and better story for yourself. What if your story became, “I accept that I can’t control everything, but in many ways, I make my own luck”? Or “I’m the kind of person who can take risks and step out into the spotlight with integrity and confidence”? What if it became, “Emotionally upsetting things happen and are very familiar to me, but now I deal with them more quickly and with far less drama than I did in the past”?

You might want to envision yourself a year from now or five years hence, being the sort of person who doesn’t talk yourself out of opportunities or become caught up in dramas. As you imagine your future self, what are you doing? How are you handling challenges? What risks are you taking and what results are you experiencing? What does it look like and feel like to be the new you? Do you feel comfortable in this new skin, expressing parts of yourself that you have repressed in the past—or didn’t realize were there? Can you imagine feeling uncomfortable but living according to your new story anyway?

Our hidden stories impact us—often more powerfully than we realize. It’s in being honest with ourselves about what stories we’ve held onto that we can begin to not just rewrite them but create new stories of who we are, stories that inspire us and make us feel a greater sense of agency over our lives. Try it and see how it feels to be the storyteller instead of trapped in an old story that no longer works for you.

Learn more about how you can change your story. Read the award-winning books Change Your Story, Change Your Life and Change the Story of Your Health.

A version of this article originally appeared in New York Spirit.

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The Suddenlies That Change Your Life

I have often led workshops for people who want to learn techniques for gaining insights and momentum that will help them transform their lives in some way. Some hope to adopt new health habits and experience better health as a result. Others seek new ways of looking at themselves and their potential to change the […]

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