Tim Schaefer's Blog, page 22

CONJURING NYDIA--THIRTY MINUTES TILL THE NEW YEAR

I was flipping around
and landed on one of the Spanish channels
and suddenly thought of you
and wondered what you'd be doing
about now
and wondering how your life turned out
minus me

I didn't really know who you were
when you left that message
at the station
you wanted to meet me
that was how you operated
call and schedule an audience

I didn't know your songs
were on the radio
or that you would sing
your national anthem
at that Muhammad Ali fight

 I came over to your place
( cuz took requests whenever possible)
and you made your grand entrance

I knew you were disappointed
cuz I didn't dress up
and acted disinterested
you drove me to the hotel
and I knew I had some balls
just asking you to do it

Your roommate became the intermediary after that
and she said well, you are who you are
and she likes to go to the fancy clubs
and she's wondering
would you really be comfortable with that?

The last time I saw you was at the beach
you came up and gave me a hug
and I went on
with my stinkin' life

You married one of your own
naturally
with little ones and that whole trip
and hell
don't know why
guess it's just that it's 30 minutes
till the new year
and those bikini waxed chicks are
shakin' and grinding their asses up on the screen
would Dick Clark approve? 
(oh well, he's dead)
I used to think that was something
but now it just grosses me out
we both came from a time and a place
when women had more class
and a lot more grace

I checked you out on YouTube
and yes you're still a beauty
though age begins to take its toll
and the glitter wears off
and so I'm wondering
did your fame bring you happiness
you know cuz
it all ends up in the same place
in the end
and maybe you're thinking it too
sitting here
30 minutes till the new year
recalling that old Peggy Lee song
Is That All There Is?

THE INTERVIEW (2014)

Rated: R                      withrealtoads.blogspot.com

STARS: Seth Rogen, James Franco, Randall Park, Lizzy Caplan
DIRECTOR: Evan Goldberg, Seth Rogen
GENRE: Action-Comedy


It's ten minutes past the scheduled show time, and the screen is still dark. A theater employee walks down the aisle to make an announcement. Sorry, folks...we're having a little problem...we have to restart the projector...I DON'T THINK IT'S A HACK...thanks for your patience.  Such is the movie going experience in the days of free speech in America under attack from piss-ant dictatorships across the sea. (Just when we had our hands full with home-grown assaults under the guise of political correctness.) 

The film started shortly thereafter, with Seth Rogen and co-director Evan Goldberg--in a tacked on segment at the beginning--saying "If you are watching this, then you're a g-damned phucking American hero!" 

I can't remember when I've felt so patriotic.

I'd heard that The Interview had opened to mixed reviews on Christmas day, but I gotta tell ya I was pleasantly surprised at how good and wickedly funny this movie is! 

Dave Skylark (Franco) and Aaron Rapoport (Rogen) host a cable TV show called Skylark Tonight . It happens that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un, whose job title is Supreme Leader Who Doesn't Pee Or Poo, is a fan of the show. (We know that the real Kim is an avid film buff and consumer of American movies, so thus far the plot isn't too far-fetched).  Dave and Aaron get invited to Pyongyang to conduct and interview with Kim, which is supposed to be a soft ball affair where he gets a chance to plead his case to the west. (Dennis Rodman set the precedent here, so again, not terribly far-fetched.) Kim's not a bad guy at all (despite the labor camps, malnourished citizenry, and total suppression of human rights.) 

When a sexy CiA agent (Lizzy Caplan) learns of the upcoming trip, she sees an opportunity to get rid of one of the world's most ruthless strongmen. She convinces the boys that it's their duty to take him out, which is to be accomplished by way of a poison to be administered through a handshake.  

From here on, everything in The Interview IS far-fetched, and so raunchy and over-the-top hilarious that I suddenly envisioned the president and Michelle viewing it (which they're bound to do, just so they really know what all the fuss is about), and hoping they didn't make the mistake of allowing the girls to see it!

Randall Park can't quite nail down the physical presence of Kim--he doesn't have that baby-faced manchild look of the real guy--but beyond that he gives a winning performance as a Jekyll and Hyde manipulator who charms the pants off our heroes initially, then reveals his true nature when crunch time arrives.

And there's this hot Korean army chick whose real name is Diana Bang. How perfect is that?

Grade:  B +



JILL'S TAKE




  

           

EMINENTLY CLEAR

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads

Passel of powder blue
dressed to kill
I'll be right up in your grill
like a George Foreman punch
now you're out to lunch
don't worry
it was preordained
without your express
written consent

Tooling around
we took a wrong turn
and BINGO
there's Johnny Sideline!
OH...can we get your autograph, puleeeze?

He says, Why? I'm Johnny Sideline after all.
But we are proud athletic supporters
and we never forget our jocks.
And winning isn't everything
unless you're a loser
boozer
midnight cruiser...

Now we're off  to name a star
hang out in a bar
and Father Time
that two-headed douche bag
I recalled him from Salisbury
now look what he's done.
All he knows
is to go with the flow
on a warm Summer's Eve
but you're a little too January
for me now 
so get stuffed, man
cuz I've made it my mission
to help all those
with chronic constipation
across the Raider Nation

Oh, silly, silly boy
it's eminently clear 
that you're trying to write your way to Love
but ah...
it looks to be working now

Pain recedes into the distance

And all I need from you
at the moment
is to borrow that smile

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads

SOMEWHERE STILL RINGING

He believed
with unswerving conviction
that in a world teeming with souls
surely there'd  be one
just tailor made for him
and that when he found her
the one to share it with
his life would begin for real

And yes there were some
who lingered for a time
but they came and went
like blips on a radar screen
another case of mistaken identity

And all he could do
when each ship of love
crashed and burned
was look away from the carnage
(for he was good at looking away)
and turn to face the bright sun of tomorrow
that surely loomed just around the bend

He did this in the spring
He did this in the summer
He did this in the autumn
With the last leaf still clinging
and somewhere still ringing
was the sound of her voice
calling from the hill

And they would rush
to each other
and his life would begin for real
no more holding back
for lack of inspiration
and he would do all the things
he had no penchant for doing
alone

For only with a sense of purpose
does life begin in earnest
and with each passing day
he knows now for sure
that purpose is her
the one who will stay

Come down in time
he whispers
come down in time
for he knows that time
is slipping away...

And he read the other day
nearly seven billion souls
on this bright blue ball of confusion
whirling in space
and he figures some wires
must have got crossed
and some bridges didn't
and he can't help but wonder
why it's still such a lonely lonely world

HAPPY HALLOWEENIE !!!

FAR AFIELD

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads

The rain swept through here this morning
cleaning everything but the film clouding your eyes

She was all smoke and mirrors
from the beginning
and on some level you knew that
but sometimes you have to do
the wrong thing
just to know you're still alive

so once again you've gone far afield
just to learn your lesson
traipsing through a meadow
dotted with toadstools
beside the Houston police station

Don Knotts' twin brother gloms onto you
at the hotel in New Orleans
breaking into an old barbershop song
and muttering inappropriate comments about
the young girl behind the front desk
as you stand there
trying to check out of your life
he was a tennis champion long ago
before the personality disorder set in

 And you feel you need to wake up
from something
but you don't know what it is
and you know that nothing will ever be
the same again
but it will be the same again
after it's been different
for a long enough time

hey just try to find one
who isn't a little wacko
in some way
as crazy serves as the new norm
all fueled by drugs and booze and war
tumult and upheaval
the daily pressures of survival
as the TV screams
be afraid
be very afraid
and high school kids
serve as daily target practice
for the irreversibly deranged

our one slim hope to turn it around 
being to make Jackie Blue the new national anthem
sung at the start of every ballgame
the fans mouthing the words
with their hands over their hearts
so deadpan serious

and you 
console yourself 
with the epiphany that you see things
too clearly
with a grasp on the nuts 
of the problem
not commonly held
but once again you've squeezed them 
too tightly
as slippery sluts
slide through your fingers 
and you vow that next time
by freaking god
you will raise your standards
and use a little less olive oil 

STRUT

It isn't arrogance
exactly
just a bit of a strut
in the walk
reflecting that I've taken
every shot that peppered
my butt
and came popping back up
like some leering whack-a-mole
daring you to pay your money
and go for it again

So many thought
they had me
down for the count
and some even took pity
(how condescendingly shitty)

You shoot me down
but I won't fall
fire away
fire away

Maybe it's the quiet swagger
of a life spent
stumbling into the wrong holes
and climbing back out again
and if you saw me then
you would surely hold your nose
but I've learn't how it comes and goes
in that it comes for the moment
and when it goes it goes for good

Turns out though
 I'm always gonna be a prick
in somebody's side
just when they thought it was
all cut and dried
just to wake up one day
and say

EEEEOOOOW...

that's the REAL you???

People don't change
they just keep showing you
a little bit more
of who you hoped they'd never be
and that's themselves

And the blame game
well that's incredibly lame
but we all play it
cuz we're afflicted with this condition
that allows us to see quite clearly outward
but only murkily inward
at the one person
who's the true source
of all that horse puckey
that keeps hittin' the fan

Imaginary Garden With Real ToadsOne day Bryan wokeTo the ...

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads

One day Bryan woke
To the realization
That everything around him--
All the scenery
And the scenes
He previously thought 
He was moving through
Were actually in motion themselves
And he was standing still.

Walking in place.

Bryan said to his imaginary friend 
Hazel
"Sometimes the most obvious things
we never take notice of."

Hazel said, well, it's all a show
Bryan
Designed specifically for you.
Enjoy the show, she said--
Enjoy the show.

And then she began to remove her clothes. 

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads