Shelly Phillips's Blog, page 4

What Does Radical Self Care Mean to You?

I was on Facebook yesterday (big surprise) and I glanced at a post that said, “What does radical self-care mean to you?” I didn’t read the rest of the post or think about it much at the time, but as I sat down to write my blog today, I realized that I’ve been engaging in some radical self-care recently.

We all know that self-care is important, or at least we hear it from our friends and nod our heads knowingly. But how often do we actually choose to care for ourselves? And of those times, are we engaging in the minimum amount of self-care so that we don’t feel disgusting, like my recent self-administered foot massage and pedicure? Or are we actually practicing radical self-care?

What does radical self-care even mean?

As I thought more about it I realized that over the past several weeks I’ve spent hours on Pinterest adding pins to my Tattoo board. It’s the most self-centered activity I’ve engaged in for months. And I LOVE it. Every night after my daughter is in bed I pour over images and imagine my tattoo. I think about where I will put it on my body. I imagine how it will look. I think about how much it might hurt and the fact that it will take time to heal.

Maybe it sounds odd to think that a tattoo is self-care, but for me it is. It’s a way to express myself. It’s a beautiful piece of artwork that I get to wear for the rest of my life, just for me. I know it will be painful, but I’ve been through childbirth, so I know how to welcome the pain. And besides, life is painful. There’s no getting away from pain, no matter how hard we try.

For me, there’s a spiritual aspect to getting a tattoo. If you have one, you probably know what I’m talking about, but for those of you who don’t, let me explain.

Years ago I did some Native American spiritual ceremonies. I did sweat lodges, a couple of teepee ceremonies, and finally, a full on vision quest. I spent days on a hill with no food or water. It was a truly transformative experience.

I know, I know, depriving myself of food and water doesn’t exactly sound like self-care, but here’s the thing. When I did those ceremonies I consciously put my body under duress. I was too hot or I was sleep deprived or I was hungry or thirsty or nauseous. But by experiencing those physical challenges, it was somehow easier to access spiritual clarity. The idea behind these kinds of spiritual trials is that they bring us closer to God.

During my vision quest my priorities came into sharp relief.

I got clear about my purpose. I got a visit from my grandmother who had passed away. Call me crazy if you want to, but these experiences were huge gifts to me.

I left each of these life events richer than I was before. I gained more knowledge of myself, my connection to spirit, and my body’s abilities and limitations. Every time I’ve challenged myself whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually, I’ve come away stronger and more sure of myself.

These ceremonies were rights of passage for me. And so is the tattoo I will be getting. For me, a tattoo is radical self-care. And it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me. It’s OK if my parents or other people cringe at the sight of my new tattoo. It’s not about impressing or disappointing anyone else, it’s just about ME choosing an outer expression to reflect my inner world.

Sometimes I create visual art, or I cry or rage. Other times I write or hot tub or savor an extra long hug from a dear friend. And soon I’ll be getting my first tattoo.

This is how I heal and grow.

Your way might be different, and that’s beautiful too. I would love to hear about your own notions of radical self-care. What does it look like in YOUR life? Have you been through similar ceremonies or other rites of passage? How do you know when you’ve achieved radical self-care? And do you care how your self-care appears to other people? Does it bother you to think that others might consider you “selfish” for doing the things that nurture you?

I hope you’ll share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas with me by leaving a comment.

And I deeply wish you all the love and peace you can possibly handle.

Warm hugs, Shelly

7 Destructive Parenting Myths

As a parent coach, I hear all sorts of thoughts and ideas that just don’t hold up to the current research on child-development and attachment, but some of these myths have been handed down from generation to generation for so long that we can forget to question them. Here are the 7 parenting myths that bother me the most:

1.    Kids Can’t Be Trusted

In my work as a preschool teacher, I’ve worked with hundreds of children and I’ve never met a child who wasn’t trustworthy. Children will rise to our expectations of them and I’ve noticed that when I expect them to follow through on their commitments and do what they say they will, I get excellent results.

If you’ve been thinking that your child isn’t trustworthy, ask yourself how you can support the innate trustworthiness inside every child. You could try making it easier for your child to keep his commitments by setting up systems that remind and help, instead of blaming or shaming him when he makes a mistake. After all, everybody makes mistakes, it’s a huge part of learning!

2.    Discipline Equals Punishment

I sure wish these two words weren’t as conflated as they are in our culture. Punishing children is both inappropriate and ineffective. Discipline on the other hand is absolutely essential. Self-control, self-discipline, and self-determination are the result of appropriate and compassionate discipline.

Discipline means setting clear boundaries, and being flexible within those boundaries. It does not need to include threatening, coercing or constantly forcing our will upon our kids. And it certainly doesn’t require overt or covert physical or emotional punishments.

Yes, time-out and counting to three can be used as punishment. The tone of your voice and the energy you’re projecting can make a huge impact on how your communication will be received. I’ve seen moms use innocuous phrases to threaten and just the other day I realized that something I said to my daughter could have been a threat if I’d used a different tone.

I think that mutual respect is the key to effective discipline. So this week, check in with yourself about the kind of energy your projecting and do your best to express your highest intentions, rather than getting stuck in the muck of using threats, coercion and punishment to get kids to do what you want.

3.    Breastfeeding is Embarrassing

Breastfeeding is one of the most important and beautiful gifts we can give to our infants, if we’re able. It is not embarrassing or sexual in any way to nurse a baby or toddler. Breastfeeding is without a doubt the best nourishment for babies. It also provides the bonding and comfort that infants need in order to develop healthy relationships and emotion regulation skills. How is any of that offensive? Yes, breasts are involved. In fact, news flash: breastfeeding is the PRIMARY FUNCTION of breasts.

Sure you can try to use a cover, but my daughter would never accept a cover, she found it far too distracting. Yes you can try to nurse at home, but sometimes your baby will be hungry when you’re not at home. Yes, cars are more private, but less comfortable, and there were times when I nursed in a car that I felt like I hidingI think it’s time to normalize breastfeeding again. Surely an all natural food source should not be denied to our children because other people are uncomfortable with the sight of a breast.

4.    Co-sleeping Means No More Sex

Without getting too graphic, let me just say that I have co-slept with my daughter for the past three years and my husband and I are having the best sex of our marriage. And no, we DO NOT have sex in the bed when our daughter is there.

Instead, I’ve co-slept with her in HER bed and we’ve reserved our bed for adult time, except for the occasional morning family snuggle. There are lots of ways to arrange co-sleeping. None of them need to involve sex in bed with a child present and all of them allow for lots of fun sexy adult time in places other than where your child is sleeping.

5.    It’s Inappropriate to Show Emotion In Front of Kids

I feel really sad when I think about this one. It’s crucially important for children’s emotional development and wellbeing that the adults around them model emotion regulation and emotional vulnerability. This lets kids know that they’re not alone in their emotional experiences and it helps them learn how to cope with their own big feelings.

Unfortunately when we hide our emotions from our kids, they end up feeling invalidated and learn to suppress their emotions too. Since I had to re-learn how to feel my feelings after decades of repressed emotion, I’m really hoping my daughter doesn’t have to go through the same process.

I do think it’s important to be responsible with our emotions when we’re with our kids. And to me, that means showing and sharing my emotional experience without directing my feelings AT my child or blaming her for my experience. It also means reassuring my daughter that she’s not the cause of my upset and telling her about what’s going on for me in peaceful language that’s developmentally appropriate.

Studies have shown that children can handle exposure to intense emotion without long-term negative effects, as long as they also experience a de-escalation and resolution of the emotional outburst (Nurture Shock by Po Bronson).

6.    Stay at Home Moms (or Dads) Don’t Work

Um, excuse me, but stay at home parentss are some of the hardest working people I know. In fact, often times I’m grateful for the diversion of working for cash because one, it’s painful how little our culture values homemakers’ work and two, being with young people all day every day is enough to make anyone lose their marbles. When I get to work with adults doing coaching I get paid for my time AND I get an adult social interaction out of the deal.

When I’m home alone with my daughter, I giver her attention and do the laundry and the dishes and clean the house and cook and clean up the kitchen after a meal and play with her and put her to sleep for her nap and rush around doing more cooking and cleaning and straightening and sorting until she wakes up and then I do an art project or create an activity or take her to the park or a museum but before we leave I pack a bag with extra clothes and snacks and water and alternate shoes depending on the activity and a sun hat and it. Just. Never. Stops.

And by the end of the day I’m completely exhausted and the house is a mess again and I didn’t earn a dollar. But I did get time with my daughter, some of which was fun and some of which was weirdly frustrating. And now I’m ruminating about the tone of voice I used that wasn’t kind and the thing that stranger said to my kid. Any of that sound familiar?

Let me just say it one more time in case I wasn’t clear, stay at home moms are the hardest working people I know. Your complete dedication to your children astounds me. I am in total awe that you can be with them from 6am to 8pm day in and day out without a break and without completely losing it 80% of the time. I commend you, appreciate you, and I want you to know, I see you. Even in the moments when you’re not with your kids, you’re thinking about them, planning things for them, and preparing to be your best for them. All I can say is WOW. And THANK YOU. Your children benefit immensely from your devotion and I’m so grateful for the work you do.

 7.    Taking Care of Ourselves Is Selfish and Hurts Kids

Quite the opposite actually, we ought to be the adults we hope our children will become. If we want our kids to take good care of themselves, guess what? We have to model the kind of self-care that will help us maintain a healthy and happy life. That means we MUST have friends. We need social interaction in order to be well and enjoy life as social beings. We also need time alone.

It is absolutely crucial that we do the things that make us happy and at ease so that our kids can experience that joy and ease too. Spending time in nature contributes to wellbeing by lowering your blood pressure.

I highly recommend that every woman participate in some type of women’s circle. Ideally you’d have a group of women that you feel comfortable sharing with and who you view as chosen sisters. The women’s circles I’ve participated in have been so incredibly supportive and life affirming. Every single time I participate in a women’s circle I’m glad I went.

Although I’m sure there are plenty more destructive parenting myths, these are the seven that I most want to dispel. On a more positive note, never forget that your connection with your kids is the most important part of parenting. As long as you’re reaching out for it, open to it, and working to repair any damage that’s been done, you’re doing a fantastic job as a parent and as a compassionate, caring, human being.

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

The Number One Most Important Thing You Can Do For Your Kids

When my daughter and I were traveling to Illinois to visit family, we spent time in several airports.

There was a moment when we had just gotten off of one of the planes and we were using the bathroom. A mom and her 6-year-old daughter were in the next stall and the tone of voice that the mother used literally made me want to crawl out of my skin. I wished my daughter had never heard anyone use that tone and my heart went out to the young girl who was on the receiving end of her mother’s wrath.

Essentially the mom was having a tantrum and was directing her anger and frustration at her child. It hurt my heart to listen to the way she spoke to her daughter. Where was the respect and compassion?

Look, I get it, sometimes we all get frustrated and lose it with our kids. I guess I just hope that we can notice ourselves getting upset and have the wherewithal to process those feelings on our own, rather than dumping them on our kids, at least some of the time.

I know not everyone shares my values. Not all adults want to treat young people with complete respect and offer them as much love and compassion as possible. But I’m sure grateful that you do.

Maybe that mom in the airport hadn’t yet processed her own childhood trauma and so she was repeating the pattern with their own kids. Right now I’m feeling very glad that I have chosen to actively process mine and to forge a new parenting path for myself.

So what’s the number one most important thing you can do for your kids?

Heal your past and become more available for connection.

I’m curious, have you unpacked your own childhood? Do you know what happened to you growing up and why things were the way they were?

I recently remembered one of the core concepts of “Parenting from the Inside Out” by Siegel and Hartzell. The research they wrote about showed that the greatest predictor of a healthy attachment between parent and child had nothing at all to do with the child.

His sex, personality, disposition, and even attachment style were essentially irrelevant to his ultimate connection with his parent. Instead, the attachment between parent and child had everything to do with the parent and how well he or she had processed their own childhood. Yep, that’s right,

Our own ability to process our childhood predicts how connected we’ll be with our kids.

Siegel writes about how having a “cohesive narrative,” which means being able to make sense of our past and creating a story for ourselves about what happened, why, and how we’ve emerged as a result of our past experiences is actually the most important predictor of attachment. When moms (and dads) have a cohesive narrative they end up being far more connected with their kids. And that’s better for the parents AND the kids.

To give you a more personal example of what this “cohesive narrative” might look like, I’ll share a story from my own life.

When I was five my parents divorced and a year or so later my dad and I moved from Champaign, IL to Collinsville, IL about a 3 ½ hour drive south west. I stayed with my dad for the school year and my mom drove down for every other weekend visits. I also stayed with my mom in Champaign for the summer. As a child I made up a story that my dad “took me away from my mom.” And even though I loved and appreciated my dad, I was angry with him for taking me away.

I held on to that story for many years, into adulthood and looking back I can see that that particular story was one of the things that kept me emotionally distant from my dad.

As an adult, I decided that perhaps my story about what had happened was incorrect, or at least incomplete, so I sat down with my dad and asked him about it. I was terrified to have the conversation, fearing that he would get angry and defensive, so I learned some Nonviolent Communication skills, practiced with a friend, and processed my own pain so that I could go into the conversation with an open and curious energy, instead of blaming or shaming my dad.

During the conversation I got a whole new perspective on what was happening for my dad at the time when he decided to move. I realized that his intention was to move closer to his family for additional support. I learned about some things that were happening in his emotional and financial life that impacted his decision, and I finally understood that while the result was that we moved away from my mom, that wasn’t the driving factor in his choice to move.

Whew! Now instead of seeing his choice as an attempt to hurt me, I saw it as a desire to provide and care for me. And that utterly transformed my narrative and my relationship with my dad. I’m much closer with my dad now than I was during my teens and twenties. In fact, almost as soon as I changed my narrative and began to see things more from his point of view, our relationship became closer.

And I think my connection with my daughter is a testament to the inner work I’ve done to be able to come up with a story of my life that makes sense and brings me clarity and understanding. Do you have a cohesive narrative of your life? Are there experiences you had in childhood that still feel traumatic to think about?

If so, my invitation is to take a closer look at those experiences this week. Now is the time to heal your past and connect even more deeply with your child as a result. It doesn’t matter if your child is an infant or a teenager. You still have time to deepen your connection. And who knows, you might even get a closer relationship with your parents out of the deal.

I hope you’ll share your story with me too and allow this community to support you and help you heal. If not for yourself, do it for your kids. They deserve the best version of you that’s humanly possible.

Have a healing, freeing, super connected week, Shelly

Photo by DIONNA RAEDEKE

The Secret to Improving Your Child’s Attention Span

The way to help children improve their attention span is counter-intuitive. You might think that giving children tasks that require their continued attention would help. Or maybe challenging them to accomplish long and complex sequences will help memory and cognition, improving attention span. But the current research is showing something counter to what we might think.

In fact, research shows that allowing kids to have unstructured playtime can actually improve their ability to focus on a task. In the book “Nurture Shock” by Po Bronson I learned about a kindergarten program which encourages children to choose a character to play in an imaginary play scenario that lasts for several hours. Researchers found that the children who were able to remain in character did better on later academic tests than children who were taught their letters and numbers instead of engaging in imaginary play.

The real take away here is that imaginary play and unstructured playtime are tools that children use to learn real life skills that will benefit them forever. It might seem like “child’s play” to us, but to them, this type of play involves acting out potential scenarios, doing scientific experiments, and using critical thinking skills.

So what’s the secret to improving your child’s attention span?

Offering them big chunks of unstructured time to explore their own interests and engage in imaginary play.

Our daughter Julia wakes up at about 6:30am every day of the week and lately I’ve been helping her get to the bathroom and then climbing back into bed with my husband on the weekends. For several weekends in a row Julia has happily played by herself and allowed us to sleep in.

One morning she found the box of stickers and this is what she did:

 

I was impressed and here’s why. Not only did she use her fine motor skills to get each of the tiny stickers off of the sticker paper and on to her robe independently. She focused on this task for well over an hour without interruption. She put over a hundred stickers on her robe one by one. And she’s not yet three years old. I think we’re on our way to a very well developed attention span!

The following weekend she impressed me even more. Here’s what she did while we slept:

 

I love the way that she displayed her finished puzzles and the fact that she also lined the boxes up on the floor was interesting too. And just for the record, this is four 12 piece puzzles, two 24 piece puzzles and a 35 piece puzzle. And she didn’t wake us up for help even once.

So what does your child like to do when given uninterrupted alone time?

When Julia was smaller she would spend up to an hour looking at books in her bedroom. Sure there was a huge pile of books on the floor afterward, but she had entertained herself for an hour…with books! And we did work on putting them away together, so now, she happily puts away most anything she plays with.

Just a quick disclaimer here, safety is very important any time you’re allowing young children to have time alone without direct supervision.

Please make sure that the environment is free of hazards whenever you leave your child alone.

There’s one more secret to helping your child expand his attention span, remembering not to interrupt his work. Again, while it might just seem like meaningless play to us, children are engaged in the work of becoming the adults they hope to be. When we remember to respect their time and attention by refusing to interrupt when they’re engaged or by simply waiting for them to approach us, we’re helping them learn more independence and encouraging their natural urge to go deeply into the subject at hand.

If every time a child becomes engrossed in something he gets interrupted and asked to do something else instead, he’s not as likely to develop a deep and long lasting desire to dive in to his own interests. Instead, he may become overly attuned to the needs and desires of the people around him, believing that it’s more important to do what others require of us than it is to develop our own driving interests.

Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention, screen time does NOT count as independent play. In fact, excessive screen time has been linked to shorter attention spans and an inability to focus on real world tasks. So, if you’re in the habit of using the screen to get some time to yourself, I hope you’ll consider some other options.

So this week your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to allow your kids to have some extra alone time, unstructured playtime, and wide swaths of time when they’re not interrupted. You might be as surprised by the results as I was when I woke up to that table full of puzzles.

Have a great week, Shelly

What to do When Kids Ask Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

The “Why” stage has hit. My daughter cannot seem to stop herself from repeatedly asking why. Almost every kid I’ve known goes through this at some point and if you’re anything like me, you find this incredibly irritating. “Why,” you ask? And I remember the long ago voices of my parents tightly saying, “Because I said so!”

I used to hate that answer but now I think I understand it a bit better. The repetition that I found so comforting and habit forming as a child, is just really very annoying as an adult.

So here’s the approach I take. I like to consider the underlying need that’s being expressed by the question. I think that when kids repeat the question why, they have a need for information. If you think about it, repeating the question why is actually a pretty easy way to get more information about a given topic. But it’s still super annoying. So what can we do about it?

I try to teach my daughter new strategies to meet that need for information.

I give her various options by modeling different ways to ask for what she wants, for instance:

“Can you please tell me more about that?”

“What else?”

“I want to know more!”

or, “Do you have a story about this?”

By helping my daughter to expand her repertoire of ways to get further information about a given topic, I’m addressing her desire, and helping her to get that need met more often. Adults will happily continue to give her more information as long as they’re not irritated by the way she’s asking.

And, by taking this approach, I also feel far less irritated, simply because I’m aware of the underlying need behind her behavior. When I see this behavior as an attempt to learn more, I have a lot more patience for her repetitive questions.

There’s something else I like to do when kids repeatedly ask “Why?”

I give them far more information than they could possibly want on the topic at hand.

I deluge them with details, use large vocabulary words, and talk about the overall processes at hand. This does two things, first it meets a child’s need for information and second, it assumes they’re smart enough to figure out the level of detail I’m providing. My dad is a pro at this approach. By the time I was three I already knew tons of information about how to lay a foundation and use a plum line.

Both of these will support a child’s further learning and growth and I find this to be a fun game to play, rather than an irritation. How much do I really know about why the sky is blue? And exactly why does the water go down the drain? What happens to our trash after the truck picks it up at the curb? And how does our food get to the grocery store?

If you don’t know the answer to your child’s questions, do some research together! The best way for children to grow a voracious appetite for learning is to witness their parents continuing to learn and grow. I’ve noticed that children love to imitate adults and they especially appreciate it when we show our vulnerability and limitations.

Kids feel more connected to us when they realize that we’re all in the same boat, learning and growing together. So instead of getting frustrated by the way they’re asking, let’s try teaching them some new strategies and helping them to figure out ways to learn and do research on their own.

As a child, whenever I didn’t know the definition of a word or how to spell it, my mom always had the same answer, “Look it up!” I didn’t like her response so much then, I would have rather had her tell me how to spell it, but now I feel empowered by my ability to discover the answers to my questions.

The internet is an incredibly useful tool sometimes! And if you don’t want your kids to have the screen time, offer them some analog reference materials. If they’re older, you might even want to assign them a research project complete with a report and presentation at the end. You may be surprised at how much fun it can be for an older sibling to teach the whole family about his area of interest.

After all, the summer is a wonderful time to continue to do research and experimentation. Who says science projects can only happen at school?

If none of these strategies seem to be working in the moment, I like to turn the questions right back around and ask my child what she thinks. “Why do you think it’s that way?” or “Do you have a theory about why that might be?” or even, “Can you tell me what you know about this topic?” By asking a question in response, I’m inviting my child to think about what she knows and how she can share what she knows.

After all, teaching someone else is one of the best ways to learn something.

So there you have it, my simple strategies for how to get rid of the incessant repetition of the question “Why,” and a little bit of inspiration to help your kids continue to learn and discover, even though school’s out.

I hope you’re having a lovely week, Shelly

I’m Not Pregnant Anymore

Ouch. We’ve had a miscarriage. Our baby died. And even though I know that one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, that doesn’t make this any easier. If you’re squeamish or don’t want to read the details of my experience, read no further. I’m about to share exactly what happened from my perspective.

I thought I was at the end of the first trimester, so when the nausea went away at 13 weeks, I just thought it was because I was transitioning into the second trimester. But then I had a tiny bit of spotting. At that point, I got worried.

That night I had one of the most vivid dreams of my life. In my dream, I went to the bathroom and a tiny dead baby came out. I held it in my left hand. It was in the fetal position, about two inches long and I stood, staring at it and thinking, “Oh my God, my baby is dead.” When I woke up, I was SO RELIEVED. “It was only a dream! Oh my goodness, everything’s OK, it was just a dream.”

Unfortunately for us, it wasn’t just a dream.

But we didn’t know that yet.

We decided that with so little bleeding we’d wait to get an ultrasound and just check for a heartbeat. But there wasn’t a heartbeat. Then again, it’s the first trimester and lots of people can’t hear a heartbeat with the doppler but still have a healthy baby. So we decided to try to hear the heartbeat again in a couple of days. But there was no heartbeat again.

At this point I was a bit more worried, but I knew that it didn’t make sense to freak out yet, since we didn’t have all the information. My midwife mentioned something about making sure the dates were right and in retrospect I think I was probably measuring small. I should have been 13 weeks pregnant. But last week I said to my mom, “I don’t think I’m growing.” As it turns out, I was right.

On a Friday morning my husband and I went in for the ultrasound. We were hopeful and in good spirits. He was joking around as usual and helping me release my tension through laughter. We saw the baby on the screen. But it wasn’t moving. Kevin said, “That looks like a baby!” And I said, “And it’s not moving. I wish it would move.”

The technician did a close up of the baby and I knew there should be a heartbeat visible, but I just kept hoping that I had missed something. And then the technician had to break the news to us. I felt so bad for her. She pointed to the baby’s heart and said, “See right here? This is where we should see a heart beating. But there’s no heartbeat.”

I immediately started crying.

I’m crying again writing this. It was a devastating moment. Our baby had died. The technician was clearly unsure how to help. She ran out of the room and called my midwife.

It turns out, they think our baby died at 10 weeks 3 days gestation. That’s just three days after we heard a healthy heartbeat and announced our pregnancy to the whole wide world. I purposely waited to tell everyone until I thought we were safe from miscarriage, but I guess we were the unlucky 2% of people who hear a healthy heartbeat and still lose the pregnancy.

My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a second or third trimester baby or a child. I cannot even imagine the pain of that. It’s really so much easier that we lost our baby so early. But it still totally and completely sucks.

When we got home from the ultrasound we had to tell my mother in law, who was shocked and our 2 ½ year old daughter who seemed bewildered by all of our tears.

Since I should have been at 13 weeks 3 days, my body was clearly not getting the message that the pregnancy was no longer viable. I called my OB to find out what to do next. She prescribed some medication and we sent Julia to her grandparent’s house for the day.

After about 6 hours the medication took effect. The first thing that came out was the entire amniotic sac, completely intact. It was the size of a small grapefruit. I put it into a bowl because I was horrified by the thought of flushing it down the toilet.

I had been warned not to look at my baby. You can never erase the images you’ve seen. But I felt I needed to see it. I wanted to know for sure that it was dead. I wanted to see how far it had developed. And besides, I had already had that incredibly vivid dream. I was pretty sure nothing would be more disturbing that what I had seen in my dream.

I cut open the amniotic sac and looked at the tiny baby inside. It was so small, just about an inch and a half long. It wasn’t moving. Its eyes weren’t completely developed. It’s little arms and legs were so tiny and it just had buds where the fingers and toes were starting to grow. It was less developed than the baby in my dream. It all became so very real in that moment.

I wrapped our baby in some cheesecloth, went outside and buried it in the back yard.

I’m sure it must be illegal, but my OB didn’t give me any instructions about how to dispose of the tissue. So I did what my heart told me to do. And I wondered what other women do and whether they were curious if they’d broken some law about proper disposal of human tissue. But the truth is, even if I’d known the proper legal procedure, I still would have done the same thing.

And then I sat on my daughter’s potty in the middle of the living room floor and watched movies with my husband until the worst of the bleeding was over.

Kevin told Julia that the baby had died and later when I asked her if she knew why we were feeling sad she replied, “The baby died. Now it can’t nurse.” She has mentioned the baby several times since and is asking questions about death and dying.

A couple of nights ago, just before she drifted off to sleep she whispered, “Mama, how did the baby die?” I was surprised by her question since lately she’s been asking, “why” a lot. I took a deep breath and answered her as honestly as I possibly could, “The baby’s heart stopped beating. When people die, their heart stops beating.”

She does seem a little bit concerned that she could die too, and the hard truth is, she could. We all could. Life is fragile. But I remind her that her heart is beating strong and she’s a healthy kid. Death is a difficult concept to understand at her age. And I’m sorry that it has hit so close to home already.

Even in the midst of my sorrow it’s difficult to stay sad for very long. Julia is such a vibrant and energetic little being. She is such an incredible gift and a blessing. I know how lucky I am to have her.

And the outpouring of love and support I’m experiencing is incredibly heart warming. I keep getting messages from dear friends who I haven’t talked to lately. And Facebook messages and little notes, cards, and emails. I was gifted with three bouquets of flowers. And yesterday a friend stopped by my office on her birthday just to give me a hug. I don’t mean to brag, I’m just saying that even as this difficult event is occurring in my life, I’m pretty sure that

I’m still the luckiest person I know.

In a way, I feel like I’ve been admitted entry into some sort of club, the “childbearing women who’ve experienced a loss” club. And there are lots of us. I definitely know that I’m not alone. And I know that I can handle this and I do feel connected to all the women who’ve gone through this before. And again, I know I’m one of the lucky ones.

I’m young enough and healthy enough to try to get pregnant again. I have a wonderful, loving, supportive husband who adores me and is the best dad ever. My daughter completely blows my mind on a daily basis. I have an incredible family and extended family support system and a freaking amazing group of friends.

So the only real bummer is that I’m not pregnant anymore and that I have to tell everyone. People don’t know what to do or say, and that’s OK. There’s really nothing anyone can do except offer love and support. I’m a little worried about going through the first trimester all over again (morning sickness was brutal this time), but who knows, maybe it’ll be easier next time. Our plans for a winter baby are dashed, at least for this winter.

Maybe I’ll go get that tattoo I’ve been thinking about. And I’ll stain my front porch. And hooray! Now I change the cat litter again We can turn the hot tub back up to 102. I can drink a beer. But somehow none of that is much consolation. I think I’ll just keep enjoying my husband, my daughter, and connecting with friends and family. For me, it’s the connections that make life wonderful.

Thanks for being here and listening to my story. Warm hugs, Shelly

12 Easy Ways to Help Kids Unplug

I’ve been reading Dr. Laura Markham’s book, “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids” and this week as I read about helping children cooperate, one of her suggestions really stood out. Dr. Laura recommended that if you’re not getting enough connection and cooperation, you might want to try unplugging.

This is not just some thought, idea, or wild theory about how to reconnect with your kids and support their healthy development. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no screen time for children under 2 and limited screen time for kids over two. Their website claims that the average amount of screen time for today’s children is a whopping 7 HOURS per DAY. Whoa. That’s more than half of a typical child’s waking hours in a day!

There is an increasing body of research that shows that excessive screen time can lead to attention problems, social delays, and an increase in violent behavior. But I’d argue that even much smaller amounts of screen time deprives kids of what they most need, our attention.

Interaction with a live human being is clearly what human babies and young children need more than anything else. In fact, babies deprived of human contact die, even if they’re provided with adequate food, clothing, and shelter. Freedom to explore their world in a physical and sensory way is also crucial to healthy development. So, how can we help kids avoid media when screens are so prevalent and so unbelievably addictive?

If you don’t think that screen time is addictive, just try to go a whole day with your smart phone turned off. I bet you’ll reach for it at least 20 times. We check Facebook, phone messages, texts, emails, watch videos and that’s even before the television, movies, or cable comes on. Today’s society is deluged with screens and young children are not immune to the draw.

Lately, almost every morning, my daughter asks her Dad in a super sweet voice, “I was wondering if we could watch videos on the iPad?” This is an activity that they enjoy together, recording and then watching themselves on video. But it’s clearly becoming her go-to activity with Daddy.

Is your child in a similar media rut? Perhaps they’re asking for movies or television on a daily basis, or maybe they want to play computer games. I’m not saying that these activities are bad for kids altogether, but I do think that they should be kept in the “occasional” category, rather than as staples of our daily life.

So how can we help our kids break the habit? Often it’s as simple as offering an alternative and helping them engage in something different long enough to forget about their desire for screen time. Here are 12 ideas to get you started:

1) Model what you want—

If you want them to stay off of media, then you have to do it too. Show them how to live a life of personal real-life connections, instead of web connections.

2) Schedule play dates—

Building in person social connections is hugely important for kids of all ages. Establish a “no screens during play-dates” rule and help the kids come up with ideas for how else they can spend their time together.

3) Offer books, games, puzzles, and other diversions—

And participate WITH your kids if they’re not engaging in these right away. Once they’re absorbed, you’re welcome to return to your own activity.

4) Do an art project—

You could go on a nature hike and collect interesting items, then bring them home and create a collage. Or just bring out the paint! Ask the kids to agree to help clean up the mess too, the clean up might be half the fun!

5) Rough and tumble play—

Physical play is a great way to reconnect and to get out the day’s frustrations in the form of laughter. Remember to let your child be the more powerful one for the most giggles.

6) Gardening—

Getting out into nature, even if it’s just the back yard can be rejuvenating for kids and adults alike. Spend some time outdoors every day. And better yet, plant a food producing plant and enjoy the moments of discovery when flower turns to fruit. Harvesting and eating food they’ve grown themselves is a great way for kids to learn about food production and the life cycle of a plant.

7) Make up a silly song—

Stimulate your child’s creativity by using a familiar tune and making up new silly, rhyming lyrics.

8) Play a brain teasing game—

Riddles, mental puzzles, alliteration games and mysteries are really good for brain plasticity and developing problem solving skills.

9) Read aloud—

No matter how old your kids are, reading aloud can be a wonderful family activity. If you start a chapter book today, I guarantee that in a week or so, your kids will be begging for the daily chapter.

10) Exercise—

Riding bikes, canoeing, running, playing sports, swimming, and skiing can be excellent family activities that will get the whole family outside and physically active. Instilling the habit to move while kids are young can translate to a healthier lifestyle for decades to come.

11) Puppetry and theater—

Do you have a child who seems to need endless attention from you? Set him up with some puppets or assign him the task of writing a play to perform for you and you’ll be amazed at the creative results. Provide costumes, or the means to make their own to add even more depth to the performance. This is a fantastic play date activity.

12) Science experiments—

Head over to your local library and check out a book on science experiments for kids. Look through it yourself and copy a few items that you’d be willing to supervise or that don’t need much adult intervention. Help your kids collect the materials and watch their minds expand as they learn about mass, volume, weather, chemistry and more!

So, hopefully after reading through these initial ideas, you’re brimming with even more ideas of your own! Isn’t it amazing how creative we can be when we take screen time off the table? Hopefully you’re already doing a bunch of these, and if not, I hope you’ll try some. Then, leave a comment to let me know how it’s going. If you’re not feeling more free from technology and MUCH more connected with your kids after these, I’ll be shocked. But even if these particular ideas don’t work for you and your family, I bet you can come up with a few activities that will work great and will keep you all connected to each other, instead of to your various devices.

Have a fabulous week! Warm hugs, Shelly

12 Ways to Encourage Failure and Why You Definitely Want to Do it

Now why in the world would I suggest that you’d want to encourage your child to fail? Well, current research is telling us interesting things about which character traits are associated with lifelong achievement and success. It’s also showing us that these “traits” are not simply inborn, but can be actively taught.

Character traits like grit, perseverance, and tenacity turn out to be much higher predictors of accomplishment than test scores, grades, or even IQ. It turns out that even smart kids who lack these skills often end up leaving college without a degree or have a difficult time holding down a job. On the flip side, even children who aren’t academically gifted can achieve great things if they have the drive and tenacity to keep reaching toward their goals.

So, how do children learn something like perseverance? They learn it through experience. About six months ago I noticed that if my daughter wasn’t able to do something on the first try, she would throw herself down and cry in frustration, refusing to try again. “I can’t do it,” she’d intone through her tears.

For a while I wasn’t sure how to respond to her upset. I didn’t want to encourage her to stuff her feelings of frustration, but I also knew it was important for her to learn to persevere. And then I read, “How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character” by Paul Tough. What an enlightening read!

After absorbing a bunch of new information, I decided to offer some reassurance and to encourage Julia to keep trying, even when she didn’t succeed initially. I said things like, “Just keep trying and eventually you’ll succeed,” and “Everyone makes mistakes.” After a few weeks, I knew these messages were getting through to her because one day she failed at a task and instead of the usual meltdown, she calmly announced, “Sometimes you have to try more than once before you succeed.”

So I decided to make a list of quick and easy ways to encourage failure.

Here it is:

1) Acknowledge and challenge, “Wow! You did it! Want to try something even harder?”

2) Encourage, “I know you’ll succeed eventually if you just keep trying.”

3) Offer a demonstration, and then let them try “Would you like me to show you how? OK, now you try.”

4) Suggest a new strategy, “When I get frustrated, sometimes it helps me if I walk away and try again later.”

5) Share your observations, “I see that you’re using your right hand to hold it and your left hand to push it through.”

6) Ask for a lesson, “Hey, I noticed that you’re able to do ______, will you please teach me how?”

7) Discover their strategies, “How did you decide to do it that way?”

8) Present a problem, “I need your help to figure this out, how do you think we should go about solving this?”

9) Remind them of past challenges, “Hey, remember when you were littler and you couldn’t climb up the jungle gym? And now it’s super easy for you!”

10) Help them keep track of their accomplishments, “Hey, you can do it now! Do you want to add this to your list of accomplishments?”

11) Remind them that circumstances can alter the outcome, “I know you were able to do it last week, but right now you’re hungry and tired and that makes things more difficult. I’m sure if you try it again after a snack and a rest you’ll have better luck.”

12) Celebrate the failures, “Hooray, you failed! That means you’re trying something really challenging. I feel so proud when I see you trying something difficult. You’ll always learn more if you continue to challenge yourself.”

Do any of these seem foreign to you? If so, you might have some work to do on your own relationship to failure. Remember, when Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, he tried 10,000 things chemical compositions that didn’t work, before he found the one that did. Here’s what he said about his so-called failures. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Now that’s the epitome of grit, perseverance, and tenacity.

And no matter what your child ends up doing, these character traits will serve her well. So this week, see how many of these 12 you can implement with your kids. And then watch as they develop more resilience and tenacity before your very eyes.

Have a fantastic week, and even if you don’t, find a way to learn and grow from the challenges you face! Warm hugs, Shelly

Photo by Suzette Hibble

You Don’t Have to Work So Hard to Entertain Your Baby

Well, the secret’s out. We’re expecting! And as I contemplate the inevitable chaos of introducing an infant into all of our lives there’s one idea that brings me a huge amount of peace and calm. It’s the notion that babies can actually entertain themselves.

I was first introduced to this idea by Janet Lansbury and if you want to explore this further, I highly recommend her website janetlansbury.com It’s filled with information about how to be respectful to even the youngest infants and some of the underlying messages I’ve gotten from her work with babies are:

1)   You don’t have to be Super-Mom, you’re already a super mom.

2)   You don’t need to hold your baby for every second of the day to foster proper bonding and development.

3)   Ultimately, even newborn babies are really good at meeting their own needs for learning and entertainment, when given the opportunity for independent play.

Sometimes these ideas seem to fly in the face of all of the attachment parenting information out there, but I don’t think the ideas are really at odds at all. In fact, I think that when we provide the nurturing and responsive environment for our children that we naturally want to give them, they respond by needing less reassurance and wanting more independence.

This is certainly what I’ve seen with my first daughter. As soon as she feels safe and comfortable, she’s ready to take on a new task or skill and she almost always wants to do it herself.

Even as a tiny infant, when she was fed, rested, and we were fighting a diaper rash, we’d leave her strapped to her changing table with a pre-fold underneath her just in case, put on some music and she would stay there happily for up to half an hour!

Other times I’d simply lay her down on a soft blanket on the floor, offer her one or two toys to explore and leave the room. And again, as long as her physical needs were met, she would rarely call out for me. So I got to fold laundry, cook dinner, or do whatever else I’d been neglecting for up to half an hour before she needed another diaper change or to nurse or some help falling asleep.

So if you’re a first time mom and are worried about how you’ll keep your baby entertained, or if you have other kids and you’re pretty sure the new baby won’t get the same kind of undivided attention that your first baby got, fear not. You can relax and trust your baby to learn and grow perfectly, even without your constant attention.

There are a few keys to encouraging this kind of independent play in infants (and toddlers for that matter) Here’s a quick check list:

1) Safety first—Make sure the space is safe from anything that could harm your baby, even if they move farther than you expect (because they probably will!). Check for long cords, electrical outlets, furniture that’s unstable (it’s best to attach bookcases to the wall), fluffy bedding, choking hazards etc.

2) Less is more—Young babies really don’t need 12 toys that blink and play music. A simple ball, a cloth or wooden teether, or even a kitchen utensil may be enough stimulation for a young developing brain. Some babies don’t even need a toy, they can be content just learning to move their bodies and looking around at the things in the room or in my daughter’s case, listening to music.

3) Give them space and time—If you’re not accustomed to leaving your baby alone, this one can be challenging. It’s an exercise in trust and an opportunity for self care.  But remember, offering your baby this time is helping him develop a longer attention span, reminding him that he’s safe, even when he’s left alone, and laying a strong foundation of self-reliance.

4) Be within earshot and available—Infants need to know that we’re there and available when they need us, so be sure you’re within earshot and available to respond quickly either verbally or physically if your baby cries out. When we respond quickly to their needs, babies relax and are able to feel safe even when we’re out of the room. But if we fail to respond when they need our help, we’re breaking a fragile trust and infants will easily learn to object to our being out of sight in order to be sure we’ll be there when they need us.

Just to be clear, I’m not suggesting that you leave your newborn alone for hours at a time or even for several hours a day, but the idea that we must be interacting with our babies 24/7 is just an impossible dream that undermines our own sanity.

Yes, it’s incredibly important to make eye contact, smile, talk to, hold, and sing to your baby. And I already know you’re doing those things. This is just a reminder that there’s absolutely no reason why you can’t take a shower, read a novel, or talk on the phone with a friend, even when you have an infant in the house.

And when we give our babies time alone, we’re not just taking care of ourselves by giving ourselves a much needed break, we’re also helping them develop crucial skills and allowing them to learn and grow at their own pace.

I’m curious, do you give your baby alone time? Or does this idea seem foreign? I would love to hear about your experiences. Please share your story with the rest of us!

And have a lovely week, Shelly

4 Keys to Setting Boundaries That Get Respected WITHOUT Using Bribes, Threats, or Punishment

My daughter is about to turn three and her willfulness is definitely growing, as is her ability to reason and negotiate for what she wants. I wish I could say that this means that conflicts and tantrums are even further reduced, but on the contrary, it seems that her new negotiating skills simply fuel the fire of emotional upset when she doesn’t get her way.

I’ve noticed that gentle discipline is often misunderstood and mistaken for permissive parenting, however, the two are definitely not the same. Permissive parenting involves avoiding setting any rules or boundaries and definitely avoiding maintaining any. But setting clear rules and boundaries are a hallmark of gentle discipline. That’s because children desperately need rules and boundaries in order to feel safe and secure. In fact, they need rules and boundaries in order to BE safe.

Since children aren’t born with a clear understanding of all of the potential dangers we face in our modern lives, it’s crucial that we teach them rules about how to be safe in parking lots and crossing the road, as well as how to form solid bonds with other people and what to do if they get into a situation where they’re feeling worried or afraid.

I guess I was naïve to think that we’d escape completely unscathed by tantrums. I had forgotten that the threes and fours can be even more challenging than the twos when it comes to willfulness and pushing back against rules and boundaries.

But in my experience, the strongest push-backs come when we’re unclear about exactly where the boundary is. In fact, almost as soon as I’m completely clear, testing behavior is greatly reduced.

So, the first key to setting boundaries that get respected is, you guessed it:

1) Be completely clear about exactly what the boundary is and why.

When we set a rule like, “We always hold hands in the parking lot,” it’s clear to us why it’s so important as we have visions of a toddler running into oncoming traffic. There is no wiggle room here, it’s a dangerous situation and we’re determined to keep our kids safe.

We have a rule at home that we always sit while we’re eating. This is to prevent choking and to keep Julia at the table, focused on eating, rather than grabbing a bite to eat while she’s playing. This is an essential rule for us because we have dogs and cats who would like nothing better than to eat her food if she were to walk away. It also helps us keep the food in the kitchen so that I’m not cleaning up spills on the carpet.

Since I have a very clear understanding of why we have this rule, it’s easy to enforce and rarely causes any conflict. If Julia walks away from her food, I assume she’s finished and clear it away. And she knows that’s our policy, so there’s no need for any further testing.

But what about rules and boundaries that aren’t quite so clear?

On the other hand, we have a guideline that we take our shoes off when we come into the house. This one doesn’t have any huge consequences for me, so I’m more lax in enforcing it. And as a result, it gets tested.

Just the other day, my daughter tried to wear her shoes to bed. I said, “Absolutely no shoes on the bed,” (I’m clear on that!) and she pushed a little farther, saying, but it’s OK to wear shoes in the house.

A few days later, she looked over at me as she climbed onto the couch with her shoes on. She was looking for clarity about the boundary, and I provided it. “I don’t mind if you wear your shoes on the couch as long as they’re not too dirty. But no shoes on the bed, remember? And I REALLY like it best when we take our shoes off when we’re inside so that we can keep the dirt near the door.”

As I said, this is more of a guideline than a true rule, and she’s now clear about where the true boundary is, no shoes on the bed, ever.

The next key to setting boundaries that get respected is to:

2) Lovingly enforce the boundary, making it almost impossible for your child to break the rule.

Young children have very little impulse control, so if you make a rule like, “No touching the sharp knives,” and then put the knives within reach, guess what? They won’t be able to help themselves. And truly, it’s not developmentally appropriate to expect that they should.

Instead, set the boundary and then HELP your child to follow the rules by putting the knives out of reach.

If you want children to follow the rules without bribes or threats of punishment, then you need to give them an incentive.

3) Tell them why the rule exists and how you feel when it’s broken

When kids understand that rules exists to help keep them safe, healthy and happy and to maintain peace at home, they’re more likely to cooperate and work within the boundaries. That’s because children have an innate desire to be in connection with their parents and to live in a loving and peaceful environment.

So, if a rule isn’t getting respected, feel free to tell your kids how upset and frustrated you feel. “This rule exists to make our lives easier, and when you forget to put your dishes away and the dogs knock them down and break them, I feel upset because I have to clean up broken glass, someone could get cut, and we have less dishes to use next time.”

If you have any trouble with this, try using an NVC format when talking about your feelings with kids.

My final tip to setting boundaries that get respected is:

4) Reduce the number of rules as your child matures

In fact, reduce the number of rules, no matter what age your child is. Unless you’ve been practicing permissive parenting and failing to set any boundaries at all, you’re likely erring on the side of “more rules are better.” However, this makes it hard for kids to remember and follow all of the rules.

I find it’s much more effective to set just a few hard and fast rules and then to follow my own internal reference system about when things are OK and when things are not OK with me. It’s all right to let a child know that usually that’s fine, but right now you’re just not able to deal with the noise or the mess or having them help you cook.

When children know that there are just a few rules that are always in place, they’re able to remember them and work within those boundaries. But when the number of rules gets, ehem, “unruly,” kids have a really hard time keeping it all straight. Plus, they begin to feel micro-managed and then they lash out in frustration at not having enough freedom and autonomy.

So, your homework this week if you choose to accept it, is to sit down and write down your top 3-5 rules and boundaries. The ones you absolutely MUST have in order to maintain peace and safety. And remember, the most important rule of parenting is to maintain a healthy connection with your child, so if any of these rules seem to undermine connect, re-think them pronto.

I would love to know whether you found this article helpful and I always enjoy your contributions through comments. Please share your thoughts and stories!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly