H.J. Stephens's Blog, page 5
October 25, 2013
A Child With Autism Becomes a Teenager With Expectations
I don't usually re-post other's articles on here but I couldn't resist with this one. This article by Priscilla Gilman, published by the New York Times touched my heart and opened my mind.
With my introversion and quirkyness I really related to it as I have often felt like Benj does. I need my private free time. I'm not a 'normal teenager', whatever that means. I have no wish to be. I hate large social events and have a fear of the phone. I can spend all day researching something as mundane as a Foreign Law or the history of Schizophrenia. I don't get people, no matter how hard I try. But I'm okay with that. And anyone that is remotely different than the supposed 'social norm', should be okay with it too.
Read and enjoy. And remember, being different is perfectly acceptable.
***
A Child With Autism Becomes a Teenager With Expectations.
The night before his 13th birthday, Benj came to the door of my
office and knocked in his typically abrupt way. “Mommy, I need to talk
to you,” he said. “I’m really worried about tomorrow.”
Benj is on the autism spectrum, and special days cause him more than
the usual trepidation. I rushed in with reassurances about the specifics
that had concerned him in the past. “What’s worrying you, honey?” I
asked. “I’ve told the school to do the special gluten-dairy-free treat
for you, and remember we’re going to have the home party this weekend.”
But it was not the mundane details of the day that were on Benj’s mind. “Mommy, I’m nervous about becoming a teen.”
“Nervous about becoming a teen” is such a typical Benj way to put it.
I’d shared his anxiety when he was younger. For children with
communication difficulties, what could be worse than the social
maelstrom of middle and high school, with its cliques and pressure to
conform? As social situations became increasingly complex and his peers
increasingly sophisticated, I feared that literal, innocent, honest Benj
would be picked on, manipulated, or excluded.
But as those years actually approached, my fears were largely
allayed. Benj is in a small, special education class where each child’s
unique set of strengths and challenges is understood. The school has a
no-tolerance policy for teasing, ostracism and bullying. There’s no in
group or out group and no norm or standard or box to fit into because
these kids are all quirky, each in his or her own way.
So I felt no sense of impending doom at the prospect of Benj becoming
a teenager — but he did. “When I’m a teen I’ll have to have hang-outs
with my friends all the time!” he told me. “And I’ll have to date
people! That’s what teenagers do. They hang out with their friends, and
they date.”
I wondered where he’d picked up these conventions about what it means
to be a teenager. It was only this year that at the suggestion of his
school counselor, Benj began to call get-togethers with peers
“hang-outs,” chiding me if I referred to them as the now babyish
“play-dates.” “Hang-out,” with its connotations of relaxed, mellow,
easygoing camaraderie, is a bit misleading as far as Benj is concerned;
socializing with peers can be challenging and arduous for him. More
“hang-outs” means more stress. I can’t imagine what he thinks dating
holds.
I reassured him that becoming a teen did not mean he had to start
dating immediately. “You can date when you’re ready, sweetheart,” I told
him, “and that might not be for a long time. And, of course, you can
have more hang-outs if you want them. But it’s important to remember
that you also need your good alone time.” Benj is a classic introvert
who needs long stretches of private time in his room, reading, playing
Solitaire or noodling around on the guitar.
Benj thanked me for understanding that he needed his private time,
but then insisted that he needed to make sure he was having some
hang-outs. He decided on “2.5 hangouts a month” as the right amount. I
wondered what would constitute a “half-hang-out,” and then realized that
mathematically inclined, precise Benj was averaging the number of
hang-outs: 2.5 a month is 30 a year.
“Benj, I want you to know that there isn’t one set definition of what
a teenager is. When I was a teenager, I spent lots of time with my
friends, but Daddy didn’t have lots of hang-outs or girlfriends when he
was a teenager and he was happy that way.”
Parenting Benj, a child very different from the one I’d imagined
having, has impressed upon me just how important it is to move beyond
normative expectations about what our children will or won’t be, should
or shouldn’t do. But again, just because I’ve realized that doesn’t mean
that Benj has. Social norms are powerful things, and as much as I may
think he isn’t hearing the siren call of “normal,” his surprisingly
conventional definition of being a “teen” is proof that he isn’t immune
to fears about fitting in.
Our most essential tasks as parents, in fact, may be to recognize our
children’s individual temperaments, needs and aspirations and to help
them resist prescriptive conventions and imagined ideals in figuring out
what’s really right for them. When E.E. Cummings wrote: “It takes
courage to grow up and become who you really are,” he described the sort
of courage I hope to foster in all three of my children, one that
enables them to attain the maturity that comes when we identify our own
natures and try to live in accordance with them.
“People are different,” I told Benj. “There’s no one right way to be a
teenager. And there’s no set way that you have to be, Benji, ever. I
will always support you in doing what’s right for you, Benj, not some
idea of what a teenager, or a man, or a person should be doing.”
Benj’s 13th year has been one of amazing social growth for him. He
had his first phone conversation with a friend, invited a girl to his
school’s winter dance (just as friends!), and enjoyed regular
“hang-outs” with peers thanks to his social skills group. And he
continues to derive a great deal of satisfaction and happiness from his
“good alone time.” He’ll even smilingly call out as he ducks into his
room: “I’m going in for my private free time!”
Did he hear me, when I promised him he never had to learn to conform?
Who knows. Whether you’re turning 13 or 50, it can be difficult to
ignore who the world expects you to be — or who you think you’re
expected to be. But so far, Benj is managing. He’s growing up into who
he really is.
Source: Gilman, Priscilla, 2013. 'A Child With Autism Becomes a Teenager With Expectations', Viewed 25 October 2013, http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/10/20/a-child-with-autism-becomes-a-teenager-with-expectations/?smid=pl-share
With my introversion and quirkyness I really related to it as I have often felt like Benj does. I need my private free time. I'm not a 'normal teenager', whatever that means. I have no wish to be. I hate large social events and have a fear of the phone. I can spend all day researching something as mundane as a Foreign Law or the history of Schizophrenia. I don't get people, no matter how hard I try. But I'm okay with that. And anyone that is remotely different than the supposed 'social norm', should be okay with it too.
Read and enjoy. And remember, being different is perfectly acceptable.
***
A Child With Autism Becomes a Teenager With Expectations.
The night before his 13th birthday, Benj came to the door of my
office and knocked in his typically abrupt way. “Mommy, I need to talk
to you,” he said. “I’m really worried about tomorrow.”
Benj is on the autism spectrum, and special days cause him more than
the usual trepidation. I rushed in with reassurances about the specifics
that had concerned him in the past. “What’s worrying you, honey?” I
asked. “I’ve told the school to do the special gluten-dairy-free treat
for you, and remember we’re going to have the home party this weekend.”
But it was not the mundane details of the day that were on Benj’s mind. “Mommy, I’m nervous about becoming a teen.”
“Nervous about becoming a teen” is such a typical Benj way to put it.
I’d shared his anxiety when he was younger. For children with
communication difficulties, what could be worse than the social
maelstrom of middle and high school, with its cliques and pressure to
conform? As social situations became increasingly complex and his peers
increasingly sophisticated, I feared that literal, innocent, honest Benj
would be picked on, manipulated, or excluded.
But as those years actually approached, my fears were largely
allayed. Benj is in a small, special education class where each child’s
unique set of strengths and challenges is understood. The school has a
no-tolerance policy for teasing, ostracism and bullying. There’s no in
group or out group and no norm or standard or box to fit into because
these kids are all quirky, each in his or her own way.
So I felt no sense of impending doom at the prospect of Benj becoming
a teenager — but he did. “When I’m a teen I’ll have to have hang-outs
with my friends all the time!” he told me. “And I’ll have to date
people! That’s what teenagers do. They hang out with their friends, and
they date.”
I wondered where he’d picked up these conventions about what it means
to be a teenager. It was only this year that at the suggestion of his
school counselor, Benj began to call get-togethers with peers
“hang-outs,” chiding me if I referred to them as the now babyish
“play-dates.” “Hang-out,” with its connotations of relaxed, mellow,
easygoing camaraderie, is a bit misleading as far as Benj is concerned;
socializing with peers can be challenging and arduous for him. More
“hang-outs” means more stress. I can’t imagine what he thinks dating
holds.
I reassured him that becoming a teen did not mean he had to start
dating immediately. “You can date when you’re ready, sweetheart,” I told
him, “and that might not be for a long time. And, of course, you can
have more hang-outs if you want them. But it’s important to remember
that you also need your good alone time.” Benj is a classic introvert
who needs long stretches of private time in his room, reading, playing
Solitaire or noodling around on the guitar.
Benj thanked me for understanding that he needed his private time,
but then insisted that he needed to make sure he was having some
hang-outs. He decided on “2.5 hangouts a month” as the right amount. I
wondered what would constitute a “half-hang-out,” and then realized that
mathematically inclined, precise Benj was averaging the number of
hang-outs: 2.5 a month is 30 a year.
“Benj, I want you to know that there isn’t one set definition of what
a teenager is. When I was a teenager, I spent lots of time with my
friends, but Daddy didn’t have lots of hang-outs or girlfriends when he
was a teenager and he was happy that way.”
Parenting Benj, a child very different from the one I’d imagined
having, has impressed upon me just how important it is to move beyond
normative expectations about what our children will or won’t be, should
or shouldn’t do. But again, just because I’ve realized that doesn’t mean
that Benj has. Social norms are powerful things, and as much as I may
think he isn’t hearing the siren call of “normal,” his surprisingly
conventional definition of being a “teen” is proof that he isn’t immune
to fears about fitting in.
Our most essential tasks as parents, in fact, may be to recognize our
children’s individual temperaments, needs and aspirations and to help
them resist prescriptive conventions and imagined ideals in figuring out
what’s really right for them. When E.E. Cummings wrote: “It takes
courage to grow up and become who you really are,” he described the sort
of courage I hope to foster in all three of my children, one that
enables them to attain the maturity that comes when we identify our own
natures and try to live in accordance with them.
“People are different,” I told Benj. “There’s no one right way to be a
teenager. And there’s no set way that you have to be, Benji, ever. I
will always support you in doing what’s right for you, Benj, not some
idea of what a teenager, or a man, or a person should be doing.”
Benj’s 13th year has been one of amazing social growth for him. He
had his first phone conversation with a friend, invited a girl to his
school’s winter dance (just as friends!), and enjoyed regular
“hang-outs” with peers thanks to his social skills group. And he
continues to derive a great deal of satisfaction and happiness from his
“good alone time.” He’ll even smilingly call out as he ducks into his
room: “I’m going in for my private free time!”
Did he hear me, when I promised him he never had to learn to conform?
Who knows. Whether you’re turning 13 or 50, it can be difficult to
ignore who the world expects you to be — or who you think you’re
expected to be. But so far, Benj is managing. He’s growing up into who
he really is.
Source: Gilman, Priscilla, 2013. 'A Child With Autism Becomes a Teenager With Expectations', Viewed 25 October 2013, http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/10/20/a-child-with-autism-becomes-a-teenager-with-expectations/?smid=pl-share
October 21, 2013
Absolute Stupidity
If I were to ask you if you thought it possible for a court of law to ban a newspaper from using the name of God, what would your answer be?
The fact is, a week or so ago an Indonesian court banned a Christian newspaper from using the term Allah, which is the name of god both Muslims and Christians use all over the world. This law reversed an earlier law stating that the newspaper could use it under free speech legislation.
The court's excuse? Justice Mohamed Apandi stated, "Our common finding that the use of Allah is not an integral part of the
Christian faith, so we find no justification for why they insist on
using the name or word in their publication." He also went onto explain that the three-member appellate court panel had decided that allowing non-Muslims to use the word would 'cause confusion and could jeopardize public safety'.
Seriously ?
Arab Christians use Allah, and various versions, as their terminology for God. In early gospels the word Allah is repeatedly used. For a lot of Christians, Allah is just as much a name for god as it for any Muslim. For some, it's the only name they know. The editor of the Christian newspaper Fr. Lawrence
Andrew stated he was "disappointed and dismayed" at the courts decision. I feel the same way. Frankly, it's cringe-worthy.
In my opinion, putting this law into place will cause more 'public safety' issues that if it wasn't implemented in the first place. The law will cause for strains to form in the relationships between Christians and Muslim groups. These two religions have a lot in common, and yet they have some of the most controversial history. Why? Because people focus on the differences, and like this new law is doing, keep driving the knife in deeper.
How can you ban the use for God's name in the first place? It's not like you can copyright it.
So basically, I think this law is utterly, absolutely idiotic. And that word effectively wraps things up.
The fact is, a week or so ago an Indonesian court banned a Christian newspaper from using the term Allah, which is the name of god both Muslims and Christians use all over the world. This law reversed an earlier law stating that the newspaper could use it under free speech legislation.
The court's excuse? Justice Mohamed Apandi stated, "Our common finding that the use of Allah is not an integral part of the
Christian faith, so we find no justification for why they insist on
using the name or word in their publication." He also went onto explain that the three-member appellate court panel had decided that allowing non-Muslims to use the word would 'cause confusion and could jeopardize public safety'.
Seriously ?
Arab Christians use Allah, and various versions, as their terminology for God. In early gospels the word Allah is repeatedly used. For a lot of Christians, Allah is just as much a name for god as it for any Muslim. For some, it's the only name they know. The editor of the Christian newspaper Fr. Lawrence
Andrew stated he was "disappointed and dismayed" at the courts decision. I feel the same way. Frankly, it's cringe-worthy.
In my opinion, putting this law into place will cause more 'public safety' issues that if it wasn't implemented in the first place. The law will cause for strains to form in the relationships between Christians and Muslim groups. These two religions have a lot in common, and yet they have some of the most controversial history. Why? Because people focus on the differences, and like this new law is doing, keep driving the knife in deeper.
How can you ban the use for God's name in the first place? It's not like you can copyright it.
So basically, I think this law is utterly, absolutely idiotic. And that word effectively wraps things up.
October 8, 2013
Giveaway winners!
All things must come to an end, and with this in mind, I am pleased to announce the winners of the When There’s No Tomorrow giveaway.
The winners, drawn at random, are:
First prize winner is: Laura Mukasheva. She will receive a signed paperback copy of When There’s No Tomorrow.
Second prize winner is: Shayenne from Boho Booklover. She will receive a free e-book of When There’s No Tomorrow.
Third prize winner is: Kareena. She will receive a signed When There’s No Tomorrow bookmark.
Congratulations to the winners! And thanks so very much to everybody that participated! Your help and enthusiasm was amazing to see and is greatly appreciated. Hopefully you will all have a chance to read When There’s No Tomorrow in the future. Keep your eyes peeled as this won’t be the last giveaway!
October 7, 2013
Giveaway winners!
All things must come to an end, and with this in mind, I am pleased to announce the winners of the When There's No Tomorrow giveaway.
The winners, drawn at random, are:
First prize winner is: Laura Mukasheva. She will receive a signed paperback copy of When There's No Tomorrow.
Second prize winner is: Shayenne from Boho Booklover. She will receive a free e-book of When There's No Tomorrow.
Third prize winner is: Kareena. She will receive a signed When There's No Tomorrow bookmark.
Congratulations to the winners! And thanks so very much to everybody that participated! Your help and enthusiasm was amazing to see and is greatly appreciated. Hopefully you will all have a chance to read When
There's No Tomorrow in the future. Keep your eyes peeled as this won't be the
last giveaway!
The winners, drawn at random, are:
First prize winner is: Laura Mukasheva. She will receive a signed paperback copy of When There's No Tomorrow.
Second prize winner is: Shayenne from Boho Booklover. She will receive a free e-book of When There's No Tomorrow.
Third prize winner is: Kareena. She will receive a signed When There's No Tomorrow bookmark.
Congratulations to the winners! And thanks so very much to everybody that participated! Your help and enthusiasm was amazing to see and is greatly appreciated. Hopefully you will all have a chance to read When
There's No Tomorrow in the future. Keep your eyes peeled as this won't be the
last giveaway!
October 3, 2013
When There’s No Tomorrow Giveaway!
Want a chance to win a free copy of When There’s No Tomorrow? Keep reading to find out how you can!
This is what you can win!
First prize: A signed paperback copy of When There’s No Tomorrow.
Second prize: A free e-book of When There’s No Tomorrow.
Third prize: A signed When There’s No Tomorrow bookmark.
Here’s what you need to do. Complete at least one of the following list and fill in the below form in a comment below. Or if you don’t feel comfortable sharing your email with everyone use the contact form on the left about half way down the page. That way, your details will go straight to my email and will not be seen by anyone else. After the event, all information will be deleted for the participants privacy.
So, you can:
Become a fan on Goodreads.
Like my Facebook page or share a post.
Share this post.
Follow this website (if you haven’t already) or follow me here.
Share this post anywhere else! (just tell me where you have).
Name:
Email (so I can contact you if you win):
What you did:
Once you have done this your name will be written down and put in a bowl. Old fashioned I know, but it works. At the end of the giveaway I’ll randomly pull out three slips and announce the winners.
Hope you can all participate. I look forward to hearing from you!. The deadline to this contest is the 8th of October so you’d better hurry!
September 24, 2013
When There's No Tomorrow Giveaway!
Want a chance to win a free copy of When There's No Tomorrow? Keep reading to find out how you can!
This is what you can win!
First prize: A signed paperback copy of When There's No Tomorrow.
Second prize: A free e-book of When There's No Tomorrow.
Third prize: A signed When There's No Tomorrow bookmark.
Here's what you need to do. Complete at least one of the following list and fill in the below form in a comment below. Or if you don't feel comfortable sharing your email with everyone use the contact form on the left about half way down the page. That way, your details will go straight to my email and will not be seen by anyone else. After the event, all information will be deleted for the participants privacy.
So, you can:
Become a fan on Goodreads.
Like my Facebook page.
Share this blogpost on Google+ (follow my blogger profile to my page, all of my blogposts can be found there).
Follow this blog (if you haven't already)
Share this post anywhere else! (just tell me where you have)
Name:
Email (so I can contact you if you win):
What you did:
Once you have done this your name will be written down and put in a bowl. Old fashioned I know, but it works. At the end of the giveaway I'll randomly pull out three slips and announce the winners.
Hope you can all participate! I look forward to hearing from you!
This is what you can win!
First prize: A signed paperback copy of When There's No Tomorrow.
Second prize: A free e-book of When There's No Tomorrow.
Third prize: A signed When There's No Tomorrow bookmark.
Here's what you need to do. Complete at least one of the following list and fill in the below form in a comment below. Or if you don't feel comfortable sharing your email with everyone use the contact form on the left about half way down the page. That way, your details will go straight to my email and will not be seen by anyone else. After the event, all information will be deleted for the participants privacy.
So, you can:
Become a fan on Goodreads.
Like my Facebook page.
Share this blogpost on Google+ (follow my blogger profile to my page, all of my blogposts can be found there).
Follow this blog (if you haven't already)
Share this post anywhere else! (just tell me where you have)
Name:
Email (so I can contact you if you win):
What you did:
Once you have done this your name will be written down and put in a bowl. Old fashioned I know, but it works. At the end of the giveaway I'll randomly pull out three slips and announce the winners.
Hope you can all participate! I look forward to hearing from you!
August 16, 2013
When There’s No Tomorrow Release!
I am proud to announce that my debut novel When There’s No Tomorrow is now available!
WTNT follows the journey of Kalina as she struggles to come of age in a world torn apart by war. But this story doesn’t focus so much on the physical aspects of war, but the mental side instead. As Kalina questions the world around her, she begins to recognise the lies that have dominated her life and starts to fight for the truth. But in doing so, she nearly loses herself. Visit this website for more information on the book or click on the Books tab above.
You can find my book on the Angus & Robertson, Amazon, Book Depository, Xlibris and Barnes and Nobles online bookstores. It’s also available as an e-book on the Kindle, Kobo, and Nook devices.
August 12, 2013
When There's No Tomorrow Release!
A few months ago I mentioned that I was my book 'When There's No Tomorrow' was getting published. I am proud to announce that it is now on sale on various online bookstores. It's my goal to get it into local bookstores over the next few months as well.
You can find my book on the Angus and Robertson,
Amazon, Book Depository, Xlibris and Barnes and Noble bookstore sites. It's also available on Kindle, Kobo and Nook if you'd like it as a e-book.
If you missed my previous post, here's a look at the front and the blurb. You can also check out this website for more info on the book.
The economy has collapsed, Earth’s population has beenreduced to practically nothing and the world is split between two factions –
The Nationals and the Forgotten.
80 years ago the worst war in human history began. 10 years
ago it ended. At least that's what the history books say. But everyone knows;
history books lie. The war never ended. It's still going; there just aren’t
enough people alive anymore to dispute it.
My name is Kalina. My father is chief of my people, the
Forgotten. The rebel scum, you may know us as. Pirates and swindlers. But we're
not. We're just people fighting together to make a stand against injustice.
Making a stand for our freedom.
But it's not that simple though; freedom and justice. Who
chooses what is and what isn't right? Who chooses who lives and who dies?
Someone once asked me, who are we to stop a war? I ask you,
who are we not to?
Sound good? I hope so! Feel free to comment or ask any questions.
July 15, 2013
The Desert's Hand - Issue 8
The next issue of my magazine The Desert's Hand is now available. You can find it on The Desert's Hand page. I hope you enjoy it, please share with whoever you think will benefit. Thank you.
June 17, 2013
Writer's Block
So, it's been nearly a month since I last showed up around here so I forced myself to write a post up. I have a good reason for being so late....
I have writer's block. Bad. Between all of the study I've been up to my neck in lately and the head flu I've somehow caught twice in a row in the last month I really haven't been in the mood to write, or even plan.
And that's not a good thing. Camp NaNoWriMo is next month. I'm aiming to write 20,000 words during it. One month. 31 days. 20,000 words. That's only 646 words a day. I can do that... right? The thing is I've only planned 7 chapters of my novel, and now I've got planner's block. I usually end up with around 2,000 words a chapter. Which means I'm going to come up 6,000 words short. I don't know what's going to happen next. I don't even really like what I've planned so far and I don't know how to fix it. It's making me miserable.
I guess I'll just go back to blankly staring at the computer screen waiting for inspiration and pretend that my uni work doesn't need attention. I've spent all week on it. I can spare an hour to mope about being unable to think of what to write.
