Brian Cuban's Blog, page 4

Dealing With Regret

I am often asked if I have “regrets” about my past and my behavior in active addiction. If I could turn back the clock, would I do things differently?  If I look at my history in a vacuum, from a simple behavioral standpoint, the answer is yes. Of course, I have regrets.  Life, however, doesn’t occur in a vacuum and I don’t see the point in beating myself up daily, dwelling on the ugly and painful moments, not only for me but for people I hurt during that time.

I do however sometimes reflect on the fact that I did hurt them. I don’t bemoan the overall path that put me where I am at over thirteen years in recovery, but it’s important for me to acknowledge the collateral damage along the way. I see this as a necessary process to both make living amends for my behavior and continually build resilience for my future.

One of the issues I have struggled with in quarantine is the strong reemergence of these feelings of regret for those “lost” years. The feelings that it was all wasted and pointless, rather than focusing on what I have control over which is how I deal with the present and beyond. I reached out to Cindy T. Graham Ph.D., a clinical psychologist for some tips on managing feelings of regret during Quarantine. Here are her tips:

Regret can be a part of the recovery process. It tends to include a feeling of wasted time—weeks, months, or years—that was spent in active addition and missing out on events of one’s life. These feelings of regret at times signify unresolved feelings about the time one struggled with addiction. The current COVID-19 pandemic has resulted in the emergence of similar feelings for some who experienced regret during their recovery period.

During this time of social distancing and sheltering-in-place, there is a lot of focus on missed opportunities. Birthdays, anniversaries, and graduations have been canceled, postponed, or otherwise altered from the usual gathering of friends of loved ones. Even everyday moments of going to the gym, coffee shop, or playdates have been put on hold. This is understandably reminiscent of social occasions that were missed during active addition. Automatic negative thoughts return to the forefront and the feelings of regret come rushing back.

 

Tips for Managing Regret

 

Address the unresolved feelings of regret from past episodes of addiction. Spend time learning to truly forgive yourself for the time you spent battling addiction. It was a battle, after all, so give yourself the space to process why you may still be upset with yourself for that lost time. Hindsight is 20/20—trying to remember what you learned from overcoming addiction and use that to help you through this time.

 

Get to the root of the regret amidst the COVID-19 pandemic. Is it possible that the feeling of being cheated out of time is partially rooted in the increased awareness of your own mortality that the coronavirus pandemic has triggered? Perhaps the regret is coming from a place of loneliness and loss of connection. It is important to get to the root cause of the feeling of regret and address it accordingly. Consulting the help of a mental health professional can be particularly beneficial in identifying what the triggers are.

 

Focus on the present. Try to keep perspective on the fact that you are in recovery. Automatic negative thoughts and feelings will happen so try to keep sight of the fact that while you may be feeling like you are losing out on precious time, there are many ways to stay connected and make the most of the time you are currently in. Live life during this pandemic in such a way that you will not feel regret when you later reflect back on this time. Said differently, would you rather one day look back at this time and remember it for being a time you were stuck in regret or as a time that you allowed your prior experiences of regret and missed opportunity to propel you into living life to the fullest under the circumstances?

Brian Cuban (@bcuban) is The Addicted Lawyer. Brian is the author of the Amazon best-selling book, The Addicted Lawyer: Tales Of The Bar, Booze, Blow & Redemption. A graduate of the University of Pittsburgh School of Law, he somehow made it through as an alcoholic then added cocaine to his résumé as a practicing attorney. He went into recovery on April 8, 2007. He left the practice of law and now writes and speaks on recovery topics, not only for the legal profession but on recovery in general. He can be reached at brian@addictedlawyer.com.

Reality Show Therapy: Why I Said No To Dr. Phil

In 2012, I was approached by one of the show’s producers to appear on a segment related to my struggle with Body Dysmorphic Disorder(BDD).  A disorder that while not talked about a lot publicly, affects 2-3 percent of the population men and women equally. A disorder that has been around for over 100 years but has really only been out of the shadows for about the last twenty. A disorder that played a substantial role in my battles with addiction, depression and eating disorders.

[image error]My struggle came to the show’s attention as a result of a local Dallas interview I did on the topic.(Scroll down to watch)  After the interview aired, the email came. A very nice email. While I knew the Dr. Phil show had a lot of “reality drama” to it, I was naturally excited. My first instinct was to jump at the opportunity for the exposure as I was writing my first book, “Shattered Image” at the time. It was specifically about my struggle with BDD.

At the time, I was just over five years into my sobriety, seeing a therapist once a week (I still do) and on my medication to control clinical depression and the obsessive/ compulsive urges that go hand and hand with BDD.  I was therefore not one of the desperate and vulnerable people who often go on his show. I simply saw an opportunity to get the word out about Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

I then went to YouTube and did a sampling of a few of his shows.  I saw parent and family blaming for a multitude of mental health disorders. I saw family and sibling drama. Tears. Shouting. Family battles brought into the public eye.  The revealing of a multitude of terrible traumatic events in an environment that clearly was not safe.  Mental health issues that even as a layman, I know cannot possibly be addressed in a healthy manner in the television segment when the primary goal is ratings, not the well-being of the guests.  It is not rocket science that drama drives those ratings. That drama certainly does not come at the expense of Dr. Phil.  It’s the guests who are often the collateral damage.

Knowing that this type of drama is the standard fare of the show, I then asked for my family’s input. I was especially worried that since I had no control over the show narrative it would be turned into my blaming my mother and family for my disorders and everything I went through. While through a lot of therapy, I realized none of it was her fault, at that point in my recovery, I often did not publicly express it in a way that conveyed the lack of blame.  My family urged me not to do the show for that reason. I could not control the Dr. Phil narrative.  As one of my siblings put it:

“It’s like Jerry Springer without the boobs and fistfights”

The selfish Brian wanted to get on the show and get the exposure. The Brian who had a book soon to be released. The Brian, however, who loved his family and respected their wishes not to be dragged into something that I had no control over declined the offer.  People have told me that I was an idiot for not doing the show.   Many book sales!  My response is that my dignity and the dignity of my family has no price tag.

I had not thought about that in years. Then I saw the current allegations made against the show.  Of course, these are just allegations at this point.  Whether the claims seem plausible would depend on how you view the show. If it’s a caring Dr. Phil about healing, then it seems inconceivable that would go on. If it’s a Dr. Phil who cares only about ratings and drama which many people believe, anything is possible because it’s not therapy, it’s a reality show and in show business, anything is possible.

I did reach out to the show( as well as others) years later to see if they had any interest in a straight-up show about BDD without the drama. No therapy.  Just people telling their stories. No response.

I for one am glad I said no back then. While most medical shows pander to nonsense to some degree, there are some out there who periodically, honestly try to bring light to serious issues while maintaining the dignity of the guest. I don’t see Dr. Phil as one of those shows. I see “reality therapy” as potentially more damaging in the long run to a guest than any good the show can do. I am glad I said no. Time for my psychiatrist’s appointment. Couch only. No cameras!

Brian Cuban   (@bcuban)  is  The Addicted Lawyer . Brian is the author of the Amazon best-selling book, The Addicted Lawyer: Tales Of The Bar, Booze, Blow & Redemption (affiliate link). A graduate of the University of Pittsburgh School of Law, he somehow made it through as an alcoholic then added cocaine to his résumé as a practicing attorney. He went into recovery April 8, 2007. He left the practice of law and now writes and speaks on recovery topics, not only for the legal profession, but on recovery in general. He can be reached at  brian@addictedlawyer.com .

Reflections At Thirteen Years Sober

On April 8th I celebrated my abstinence-based, thirteen years in long term recovery from alcohol, cocaine, and bulimia (Yes, males develop eating disorders).

I reflect with mixed feelings as it also falls on what would be the ninety-fourth birthday of my late father whose passing eighteen months ago is still fairly raw and painful.

Of course, my recovery anniversary will always fall on his birthday and there will always be tears for that, but his passing seems to hit especially hard as I sit at homes with millions of others in the heart of the trauma, uncertainly and anxiety wrapped around the COVID-19 pandemic.

I think that some of my angst also correlates to suddenly being hyper-ware of my mortality churning towards sixty-years old and on the cusp of the COVID ‘high risk” age demographic. Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was eighteen years old? Where the hell did the years ago? The irony is that I can’t remember many of them in the haze of drugs and alcohol

I do remember my father’s role in my recovery. The memory of walking over to his place fresh off my second trip to a local psychiatric hospital after a drug and alcohol-induced blackout is one that remains vivid and sometimes rebroadcast in high definition in my dreams.

That morning, early April 2007, I stood at his door, ashamed, guilty and broken. He had no idea that I struggled with drugs and alcohol. I justified my silence so as not to be a burden him in his golden years.

I lurked outside his apartment door for five minutes, crying and almost going home. I finally knocked. He answered the door, and as usual, was ecstatic to see his middle son. As usual, he offered me something to eat. As usual, he asked if I needed any money. It didn’t matter what my financial status was. He asked.

That morning, I only wanted his love, which I received every moment of every day from the time I was born.

We sat on his couch. He knew something was wrong.  I began crying again. Over the course of an hour, I unload decades of pain. Things I kept from him because I loved him. Because I did not want to burden him.  Because I did not want to see his disappointment in me.  I did not want to see his pain over my failures in life.  That’s what I told myself.

He held me. He cried with me.  Then he said the one thing that defined everything he had taught his sons growing up.

“Brian, I love you. Move-in with me and we will get through this together.”

I lived with him for a week while I attended my 12-step meetings and shuttled between his place and mine to take care of my pets.

My father, Norton, of the greatest generation. My father gave me the greatest gift.  The gift of a father talking to his son and letting him know he is loved.   My father without knowing it, allowed me to take another step in recovery, beginning the process of self-love and allowing myself to accept it.

I hope he is smiling down at my milestone and as soon as the stay -at -home order is lifted, I will head on over to his resting place,  and tell him about it.

 

 

 

Coping With Mortality Anxiety

I recently rolled out of bed, after a good night’s sleep, which have become harder to come by during this pandemic.

With the exception of my aching, artificial hip, I felt pretty good. Then I got on my Facebook and Twitter feed, reminding me of “viral” trauma and suffering on multiple levels. Suddenly, I was refreshing the John Hopkins pandemic map every hour on the hour, fixating on the changing numbers. I felt hope slipping away and depression creeping in with the realization that approaching sixty, not only am I vulnerable to COVID-19, there are fewer years ahead, than behind.

My mental balance shifted to chaos. I worried about my mother in her eighties with underlying health issues, living on her own in another city. If she contracts COVID-19, will she die alone?  Will she be treated as not worth saving because of her age?  I worried about my wife and her aging parents. I stressed over my two brothers and their families and my extended family as well as my friends and their families. Suddenly the weight of the entire COVID crisis felt like it was a foot pressing into my gut.

Every sneeze, sniffle, and cough was a harbinger of infection and hammered home the reality that I am a baby boomer, on the cusp of the high-risk demographic. I am certain that as a budding, ‘senior” I will somehow contract the virus and not survive. The thoughts became obsessive, consuming my day and morphing into depression.

Where did the years go?  Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was invincible at eighteen-years-old adventuring on a Trailways bus pass across the country from Pittsburgh to Los Angeles, with fifty dollars to my name?

Approaching 13 years sobriety in a week, I should have felt invigored, but I felt alone and isolated, contemplating my boomer mortality and the actuarial fact that more years have flown by then I probably have ahead of me. What was my purpose in life at fifty-nine years old?  Is this what mortality anxiety feels like?   To get a more clinical take on how this pandemic can trigger “mortality anxiety”, expectably in our aging population, I reached out to Cindy T. Graham, Ph.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Founder of the Brighter Hope Wellness Center. Here are her thoughts:

What is Mortality Anxiety?

 

Mortality anxiety is more commonly referred to as death anxiety and comes from the word thanatophobia. Thanatophobia is derived from Greek and means “fear of death.” While not an official diagnosis used by psychologists or psychiatrists, it is recognized as a perseverative fear of dying or death. It is best considered as one variant of many different types of phobias. (Think of claustrophobia, the fear of being enclosed for example.) Death anxiety is first seen in early school-aged children, when they are developmentally mature enough to understand the implications of death. This fear tends to then abate and reappear later in life.

 

What are the Signs and Symptoms of Mortality/Death Anxiety?

 

Death anxiety presents similarly to other anxiety disorders and phobia. It can include symptoms of dread, worry, and distress. More sudden symptoms can presently like a panic attack including physical symptoms such as dizziness, sweating, light-headedness, nausea, stomach upset, shaking, sweating, increase heart rate, and shallow breathing. Emotional symptoms related to death anxiety include sadness, anger, guilt, worry, and agitation. There is a social component and can lead to the avoidance of others as one struggles with the worry. These signs can come on suddenly as a panic attack or they can run below the surface with more of a persistent presentation.

 

Why is the COVID-19 Pandemic Triggering Death Anxiety in Boomers?

 

Statistics and stories have been circulating about how the COVID-19 virus has a disproportionately higher mortality rate in individuals above the age of 60. The virus is also associated with higher rates of death in people with underlying medical conditions, especially those with lung and heart disease. Baby boomers, born between 1945 and 1964, may feel particularly aware of their mortality. Since death anxiety often occurs more frequently in people who are older and in those who have physical health problems, this pandemic is triggering the presentation of death anxiety for some boomers.

 

Another factor at play in the emergence of death anxiety for boomers is the call for social distancing. Attempts to slow the spread of the COVID-19 virus has isolated many individuals from important sources of social support. Boomers, who came of age before handheld technology came about, are not as adept with connecting with friends via social media, texting, video chatting, etc. and may be slower to use these methods of communication. Separation from key sources of social support is associated with a decrease in mental and emotional wellness. Furthermore, threats to health for oneself and/or a loved one can lead to maladaptive methods of coping, including increase in preservative thought. Anxiety increases because the mind is trying to take control of what in can in uncertain times. Since the COVID-19 virus is leading to an increased likelihood for negative outcomes those who are older, boomers who have pre-existing anxiety disorders may be at risk for struggling with death anxiety.

 

How Can You Stay Balanced in the Face of COVID-19 Related Death Anxiety?

 

Give yourself and your loved ones the best chance of not catching it. So, follow CDC and WHO guidelines for minimizing the spread.

 

Acknowledge the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. Give yourself the space to face the thought negative thought and feelings without shaming yourself since internalized feelings of shame can further strengthen anxious responding.

 

Try your best to keep a regular schedule. When sleep habits go awry (like going to bed more than an hour after your regular bedtime) anxiety can thrive. Our mood is deeply affected by our circadian rhythm, and changes to it can lead to increases in our anxiety. This time of social distancing and shelter-in-place orders has thrown many people off of their usual routines. Keeping a regular routine and the predictability tends to keep anxiety at bay.

 

Reach out to friends—virtually. You are not alone in this and talking to friends can help you see how normal your worry is. Not to mention friends are an excellent source of support during difficult times. Whether it is a call, text, or email, try to find ways to stay keep in touch with your friends.

 

Be aware of slipping into old bad habits and the development of new ones. This pandemic has brought about highly unusual times and under times of stress people tend to revert to inappropriate coping strategies. Get ahead of these to noticing your patterns of behavior and address them early on.

 

Talk to a mental health professional. Sometimes the worry can be too big to handle alone. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is found to be particularly helpful in treating death anxiety so look for help from a therapist (e.g. psychologist, counselor, social worker, etc.) who has this has a specialty. Many mental health professionals are providing services through teletherapy to accommodate the need for services in light of social distancing.

 

Start healthy habits and coping strategies. Grounding exercises are useful in helping you stay present in the moment. These mindfulness-based exercises range from doing body scans (i.e., taking inventory of what your body is experiencing) to sitting in a chair in a quiet room and focusing on what you hear. Other practices such as meditation, yoga, and prayer are also helpful in reducing anxiety. Lastly, exercise is a great way to give that anxious energy somewhere to go, just be sure to check with your physician before starting a new exercise routine.

 

 

Live life. Anxiety is the thief of opportunity and joy. Don’t forget to make the most of your experiences and time. Give yourself permission to find joy and happiness. Try a new hobby you have always thought about trying. Make plans for life after the pandemic—a trip, a concert, visit friends in other areas—the possibilities are endless. Just planning these activities are a great way to manage current anxieties.

Loneliness Is Spiking: Pledge To Lend An Ear

More than ever, we need to be there for our colleague’s friends and loved ones.  There is a huge difference between solitude by choice and being forced into it.  The latter can result in intense feelings of loneliness that can exacerbate underlying mental health issues in a profession already beset with mental health issues higher than the national norms.  Being an active participant in a compassionate community is more important than it ever has been in most of our lifetimes.  I am particularly concerned about those who may consider suicide. I’ve already received several suicide-related social media messages.  I’ve struggled with my own feelings of despair and hopelessness. I get it.

It seems that at least once a month I read about a lawyer dying by suicide. Tragic but unfortunately, not-surprising in a profession that is 3rdth ranked in terms of suicide (out of professions adjusted by age). I  may see it on Facebook, Twitter or a news article. It is rare that suicide is specifically mentioned, but there may a request to in lieu of flowers for a donation to a mental health organization or and there will be a commentary about the person’s struggle with depression, substances or both.

We just can’t bring ourselves to say the word. We make the donation. Grieve for our friends or colleagues. Maybe we tweet out or Facebook posts a suicide crisis line.  We talk about reaching out. Then we lose another. And another.

Of course, whether its depression, addiction or any other mental health/environmental variable that plays into these issues, the hard reality is that we can love, monitor and even intervene if everything comes together at the right moment as it, fortunately, did when my friend and brothers saved my life.  We, however, can’t be there every moment and those tragic and life-changing/ending thoughts can come quickly, without warning.

What to do? Not only about our profession but against the backdrop of overall suicide rates that have risen twenty-eight percent over the last twenty years. According to the study, middle-aged adults are at the highest risk.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a magic cure for what ails the human condition and I don’t see that solution, if there is one, happening in my lifetime. I, however, do believe that we, as a profession and society can do little thing that can have a huge impact whether it’s a struggle with depression, anxiety, addiction or the next crisis we will face, supporting our baby-boomer legal colleagues for whom aging has taken a toll on mental acuity.

Action must begin at the most basic human level. We can look within ourselves and pledge to pay attention and open ourselves up to being part of a compassionate community.  To not mind our own business. If you need to talk, email me and we will set up a Zoom chat. I am here for you.

 

Brian Cuban (@bcuban) is The Addicted Lawyer. Brian is the author of the Amazon best-selling book, The Addicted Lawyer: Tales Of The Bar, Booze, Blow & Redemption. A graduate of the University of Pittsburgh School of Law, he somehow made it through as an alcoholic then added cocaine to his résumé as a practicing attorney. He went into recovery on April 8, 2007. He left the practice of law and now writes and speaks on recovery topics, not only for the legal profession but on recovery in general. He can be reached at brian@addictedlawyer.com.

 

 

 

Dealing With Social Isolation

Feelings of social isolation are an issue common to law students and lawyers, not to mention people in active addiction. Social isolation can also be a trigger to problematic alcohol and drug use.

As a law student struggling with addiction, I felt that the only way I could exist was to drink alone and isolate myself from other law students so they could not see my pain and loneliness, not to mention my belief that I was not good enough to be in their presence.

As a lawyer deep in addiction, rather than seeking out and engaging in healthy work and social relationships, I narrowed my interactions down to those also drinking excessively and doing cocaine.  In a room full of drinkers and snorters, I felt totally alone and isolated.

This is not to say that the desire to be alone is in itself a bad thing. In recovery, I narrowed my social connections down to a very small circle of healthy connections and came to embrace myself as someone who is inherently shy. They were very different types of connections. They were sober connections who were part of a sober world that I had forgotten existed.

Here is how a current law student and practicing lawyer have experienced and dealt with social isolation in their lives.

 Garret is a second-year law student at the University of New Mexico. Garret is unique in that he also played collegiate football while going to law school. Wow! Garret says:

Playing football amplified the isolation I have felt during law school. On the one hand, I would miss out on opportunities to interact with my teammates because I was studying for school. On the other hand, I would miss opportunities to bond with my classmates because I was travelling every weekend for football. These circumstances made for many lonely nights spent reading countless pages trying to stay caught up. During this time, I did not feel that anyone could understand what I was going through.

How did Garret cope? He says:

I allowed myself to ask for help. Instead of drowning alone, I reached out to others and found that they were more than willing to help. UNM’s career services department helped me form a strategy to stay caught up in school. My classmates also offered comfort and support when I finally opened up about the struggles I was facing. Once I allowed myself to seek help, there was no shortage of love from those around me. I firmly believe that I would not still be in school without the support of my peers and the faculty and staff at UNM during this time in my life.

Miriam is a practicing criminal defense attorney in the Washington, D.C. area. She says:

When I went out on my own, it was pretty jarring. There was no one to ask a question of, no one to just vent frustrations to. And criminal defense is an incredibly frustrating area of law. There was no reason to take a break, because who was I going to socialize with? Myself?

Miriam then joined a listserv called SoloSez (part of the American Bar Association), and it turned out she wasn’t alone:

There were lots of us solo practitioners struggling with the same thing. Who do you talk to when you are literally all by yourself all day long.”

As to how isolation impacted her personally and professionally, Miriam says:

I realized the value of human interaction in professional settings and how important it is as a stress relief. Water cooler talk may be lame but it is important. I ended up renting an office inside a larger firm. Lots of solos in that office space and we became friends. My productivity increased and I was just generally happier.

Today Miriam has a small law office with employees, and they all have an open door policy. She says:

We eat lunch together, we talk about our cases on a regular basis, and we are able to talk to each other freely. What’s the point of working with people if you can’t talk to them? I recommend renting an office in a suite – having someone else there to vent to is incredibly important. And while you may say oh I can talk to my wife when I get home, etc., it really isn’t the same. Being at work and bitching, then being able to go home and not feel so frustrated, is a great thing!

I also reached out to a treatment provider who deals with social isolation issues in his practice. Dr. David Henderson is a psychiatrist practicing in Dallas, Texas.* One of the issues I asked him to address is the difference between damaging social isolation and the simple desire to be alone. He says:

There are two states of aloneness: the physical state of being alone (solitude) and the emotional state of being alone (loneliness). Solitude is not always painful. In fact, it may be quite pleasant for those who are confident and comfortable with themselves, and who understand that it need not be a permanent experience. A stable balance between solitude and time with others is necessary for mental and physical well-being. Even when we are forced to be alone, knowing that someone is with us in spirit helps.

Conversely loneliness, the emotional state of being alone, is the belief that no one else understands our circumstances, our thoughts, or our emotions, nor do they care. Social isolation is the combination of these two states, experienced by an individual for an extended period. The length of time in social isolation for any individual can vary, but both the emotional state and physical state feed off of one another, creating a perpetual inability within the individual to reengage society in a meaningful way.

Here are Dr. Henderson’s tips for dealing with social isolation:

Plan ahead. Isolation and loneliness can result from procrastination. When an individual fails to anticipate future isolation and plan for it, it never gets better. Individuals must carve out time in their schedules for social engagement like they would carve out time to study or complete a task for work. Waiting until the last minute always ends with missed opportunities.

Confront the mind-games you play. We all have a script that plays over and over in our heads that dictates our actions. The most successful individuals are the ones who recognize the script and make the hard decisions to act contrary to it. The key to overcoming social isolation is being able to acknowledge the very real pain that exists in engaging others and then working to develop the confidence within oneself to know that you have the power to endure and overcome it.

Seek out accountability. For many, this accountability starts with one person: a trained professional counselor. A professional can challenge you to think outside the box, provide you with resources that will help you overcome the struggle, and check in with you to measure your progress. Overcoming social isolation is like any other challenge. In order to break the cycle, we must reach a point at which the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing. If you are struggling to reach out and find help, simply ask yourself one question, “What do I have to lose in reaching out for help?” Make a decision today that you are going reengage one step at a time. Fight discouragement with true statements about your abilities, and recognize that with each decision to think and act contrary to what you feel, you are getting stronger and closer to your goals. You are not alone. Keep reaching!

What’s the common thread here to either becoming or staying connected in a healthy way? Reaching out! Regardless of the genesis of your feelings of loneliness and isolation. It all starts there.  Below are some resources to stay connected.

The Lawyer’s Depression Project

In The Rooms

* David L. Henderson, M.D., is a board-certified psychiatrist, author, and professional speaker. He is the owner and president of Four Stones Collaborative Group, a mental health practice in Dallas, Texas, treating a wide range of psychological issues including depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and trauma. He is the author of the book My Teenage Zombie: Resurrecting the Undead Adolescent In Your Home. For more information about his practice or for further resources, you can visit his websites at www.drdavidhenderson.com and www.fourstonesgroup.com

Brian Cuban (@bcuban)  is  The Addicted Lawyer . A graduate of the University of Pittsburgh School of Law, he somehow made it through as an alcoholic then added cocaine to his résumé as a practicing attorney. He went into recovery on April 8, 2007. He left the practice of law and now writes and speaks on recovery topics, not only for the legal profession but on recovery in general. He can be reached at brian@addictedlawyer.com .

Responsible Recovery In Pandemic Times

**This is not ideal mutual aid support, but these are not ideal times. If you absolutely have to attend recovery meetings in person, it is understandable. Please practice the hygiene protocols set out by the CDC.

For those of us whose recovery involves mutual aid support such as the rooms of twelve-step, the Coronavirus (COVID-19) presents unique challenges and balancing considerations. We have to protect our own health and stay sober, while also recognizing the negative impact such social contact can have on the current pandemic.

Let’s be honest, the rooms we walk into to share our experience, strength, and hope are not always the most cleanly.  There however are options that while not perfect, can give us the support we need while being socially conscious of how our actions impact others.

This resource will also be helpful if you must self-quarantine, and therefore cannot get to meetings.

An online resource that is user-friendly, offers complete anonymity, and a wide variety of mutual-aid support ranging from 12-step to Smart Recovery, including video meetings, is “In The Rooms”.

To be clear, I do not view this as the ideal mode of support, but it is an option and as anonymous as a person wants to be. It can be a stepping stone to more brick and mortar mode of recovery.

In the Rooms is an online social network dedicated to the global addiction recovery community for people seeking help, in recovery and their family, friends, and allies of recovery worldwide.

They put it as follows:

“We are not trying to replace Face-to-Face fellowship meetings; rather, ITR is a safe and secure place to come and socialize the other 23 hours a day you’re not in a meeting and to connect with other recovering people around the world.

InTheRooms.com transcends the boundaries of all 12 steps and non-12 step fellowships socially while maintaining the integrity of each by having 40 different fellowship groups represented. ITR currently has the largest AA / Alcoholics Anonymous (208,000+ members), NA / Narcotics Anonymous (155,000+ members) and Alanon (26,000+ members) groups in the world.

For the first time in history, this allows the social interaction between fellowships not found when attending regularly scheduled meetings of any one of these fellowships. We are bringing together members of the global recovery community socially to experience a vast array of tools that can be used to enhance and expand one’s recovery experience and social connectedness.”

The site is not only conventional 12-step support.  You will be able to find:

Faith-Based meetings

Yoga and meditation meetings

Refuge Recovery which is Buddhist Recovery

Meetings for agnostics in both AA and NA

Support for family members

Meeting for grief and codependency

Meeting for people suffering from chronic pain

Meetings for people on MAT (Medically Assisted Treatment)

Closed specialty meetings for men and women

Non-12 step meeting for Sex Addiction

 

Fifteen Years Ago, I Wanted To Die

It’s a cool and overcast February afternoon as I turn my car into the parking lot of Green Oaks Hospital.

Fifteen years ago, my brothers executed the same turn with me, an unwilling passenger in the back seat.

Today is a happy occasion. I am sitting for an interview about mental health and my journey to long term recovery.

Fifteen years ago, I was in crisis. My brothers dragged me out of my bedroom past a .45 automatic on my nightstand and a granite dresser top littered with Xanax pills and cocaine residue. I did not want to leave that room. I did not want to see the next morning. I wanted to die.

The drizzle has started before I can exit my car. I’m glad I brought my black jacket because we are taking outside photos.

Fifteen years ago, it was warm and sunny.  Bad things happen on beautiful days.

I walk through the front doors and take a seat on the bench, just inside the entrance. I catch eyes with the nurse inside the reception glass. There are several people in the waiting room. I wonder what is going on in their lives.

Fifteen years ago, the nurse behind the glass was the enemy. My brothers were the enemy. I wanted to die.

A nice gentleman, sitting across from me, smiles says hello. I look at him and smile back. Fifteen years ago, I don’t look up from the floor. I am ashamed. I am scared. I want to die.

The photographer and interviewer arrive. We walk through a secured area into the heart of the facility. There are many doors to many rooms. I wonder if one of those rooms is where I sat with the psychiatrist, nurse, and family. They were all trying to help me. I wanted to die.

We take photos in a beautiful, green, park-like area behind the facility. It is strangely surreal. I don’t notice the cold.

Fifteen years ago, all I saw only concrete and darkness. I wanted to die.

We have a wonderful interview. I break down relating the role of my brothers and late father in saving my life and the bond we share today. I pause the interview to compose myself.

Fifteen years ago, my only thought was that I  am dark stain on the Cuban name, deserving to be wiped spotless from the earth, with no further mention. I wanted to die.

The interview ends. We stroll back out through the locked entrance into the lobby. The same pleasant man says hello. He has an infectious smile in an area where there is so much pain. I remind myself to smile more.

Fifteen years ago, I could not remember the last time I smiled. I could not remember a day I had not cried. I wanted to die.

The rain is coming down in buckets. I run to my car. I pull out into the street and drive towards home. I watch the building get smaller in the rear-view mirror. It’s now paradox. So much pain but a symbol of my future. Good things do happen on rainy days.  I am glad to be alive.

Brian Cuban   (@bcuban)  is  The Addicted Lawyer . Brian is the author of the Amazon best-selling book, The Addicted Lawyer: Tales Of The Bar, Booze, Blow & Redemption (affiliate link). A graduate of the University of Pittsburgh School of Law, he somehow made it through as an alcoholic then added cocaine to his résumé as a practicing attorney. He went into recovery on April 8, 2007. He left the practice of law and now writes and speaks on recovery topics, not only for the legal profession but on recovery in general. He can be reached at brian@addictedlawyer.com .

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The Legal Profession’s 12-Step Problem

When I began my drug and alcohol recovery in 2007, my therapist provided two options, 12-step or residential treatment.  I chose the former and along with therapy have come to lead a self-directed life in recovery achieving what I could not envision on day one.

There is no question that the connections in the 12-step rooms were an important part of my recovery and continue to be.  If I had been given one of the many recovery options we have today, I probably still would have chosen abstinence as the pathway that gave me the best chance of sustained recovery. For me, there was no such thing as a drink without many lines of cocaine and there was no line of cocaine with many drinks. The bottom line, however, is that no-one asked me, they told me. They told me based on what they knew, which was only 12-step.

Even today, I’ve educated my own therapist on things like SMART recovery, harm reduction and the multitude of recovery pathways that didn’t exist when he sent me over to the meeting next door to his office.

It would be easy for me, when a struggling law student or lawyer emails me, to repeat the cycle and say, “get your ass into a meeting” because that is what worked for me.

That is not what I do. I ask what they have tried. I ask what they want to achieve, and what recovery looks like to them. Only then, do I give them resources that if THEY so choose, may an appropriate selection?  I do NOT choose for them. I meet them where they are in the recovery process.

I have lawyers come to me who have been in and out of 12-step for years. It gets worse each time, but the only tool they have is keep coming back, ingrained as the way forward. That may still be the best path for them, but does anyone ask what the person wants? Does anyone ask what the person likes or doesn’t like about the program and address those concerns on a person-centric level, instead of a dogmatic recitation of what they have already heard in the rooms day in and out?

Maybe SMART recovery is something they want to look at? Maybe they should someone about medication-assisted recovery?  Maybe they would rather work a 12-step or peer group recovery online to lessen stigma?  It can be a challenge because in smaller communities there may be no option but 12-step, but that should not translate to a reflexive recommendation. We should still listen.

Maybe it’s none of those, but how do we know if we don’t ask. I ask because it is NOT my recovery and while it’s hard, I must put my implicit bias about what works aside and do what is hard when I am gung-ho to get someone on the path to a better life. I shut up and engage in reflective listening.

I believe, as helpers in the legal profession, we need to do less pushing of vulnerable people into what we think is best and listen to what they want. As a profession high in problem drinking, we have known nothing but 12-step mutual aid since Bill W held his first meeting. We are part of Lawyers Helping Lawyers and Lawyers Assistance Programs. They are wonderful resources and Lawyers Helping Lawyers or the run of the mill rooms may be the best solution. We still should not close our eyes to other pathways to a better life.

As helpers in a profession with crisis levels of problem drinking, we must be willing to put aside our recovery bias, step back and look at the bigger picture. We need to be recovery inclusive to all lawyers, not just those who 12-step is appropriate for. Bill W himself was vocal about multiple pathways. We know his quotes and recite them but its time to truly open ourselves up to the vast possibilities of recovery

And to answer the visceral response that I must be “anti-12-step”. You are dead wrong. I am pro-recovery and that means all pathways to recovery, 12-step included.

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Creating Compassionate Community in the Legal Profession

People, for the most part, want to be part of a community, especially a compassionate one. We want to belong to something greater than ourselves. We may desire the support of that community when we struggle even if we don’t specifically ask for it.

The legal profession is no exception. We are people. We have stories. We get depressed. We stress. We cry. We laugh. We grieve. We are all more than our struggle, but when we look at our peers, we are often uncomfortable acknowledging that struggle, let alone a person with a life story.

As a macro community, we have survived common struggles. The struggle of law school. The struggle of licensing. The struggle of wearing or trying not to wear a suit comprised of our client’s pain and suffering. The irony is that those very commonalties are the same struggles that often put us at odds with each other in the most uncivil of ways.  A lesser, but crisis level percentage of us share the common struggle of addiction, problem drinking, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

How do we, as a profession, foster a culture of compassion towards each other when we are often at each other’s throats. A culture of community in which we both take care of ourselves and our colleagues. It is through a compassionate community.

What is a compassionate community? The Center for Compassion defines it as a community in which:

“… the needs of all the inhabitants of that community are recognized and met, the well-being of the entire community is a priority and all people and living things are treated with respect.”

There is a lot to unpack in that definition, but the term that jumps out is well-being. The profession has certainly made progress on that front with regards to the mental health prong. We have partially rolled back decades of drinking culture and mental health stigma, but there is still much to do, solo law to Biglaw.

The profession is nowhere near a tipping point, but breaking stigma and systemic mental health discrimination happen one person at a time, one lawyer at a time, one law firm at a time. In my opinion, most importantly, one story at a time.

Compassionate community is what lies in each of us.  The ability to put ourselves in the shoes of another. The ability to empathize with the individual and collective struggle.

We all have that ability in us, but like resilience, it is something that we sometimes have to refine and nurture to expand beyond what we are comfortable living day-to-day. It may seem counterintuitive, but compassionate communities exist in a state of discomfort, testing barriers of empathy and compassion to keep expanding.

So how do we build and nurture empathy as a skillset so that we can foster a compassionate community? Here are a few suggestions.

1. Integrate empathy-building skills as part of your wellness initiative. Sometimes we forget that we have this empathy skillset when we deal with our struggles and daily life. A firm may have an excellent pro-bono practice, and that is tremendous, but that is empathy on a lawyer-client vertical. Consider how to build it, lawyer, to lawyer laterally.

2. Encourage storytelling, whether it’s at a law school level, state or local bar event, your firm retreat, or new associate orientation. Stories do more than entertain. They put forward values and information within the community. When stories engage us on an emotional/empathetic level, it is again, science-driven, that we remember the takeaways better than when lectured to. In the realm of mental health, this emotional connection is vital because it lets others know that they are not alone in their journey, and that breaks stigma. It is also data-driven science that storytelling changes the brain, tie communities together, and drive those comminutes to be more empathic to each other.

3. Don’t need the first two tools?  Here is the two ask rule. It requires nothing but uttering five words. -“How are doing today? Before the interaction terminates, let them know you are an open ear. The two-ask rule. You just became a part of a compassionate community.

There is so much more to building a compassionate community, but now you have a few tools that require few assets, little time and offer a fantastic reward. The ability to step outside our comfort zones and let each other know we care about each other.