Nancy Davis Kho's Blog, page 21
July 12, 2017
Home Alone
This is a picture of my kitchen table. I took it two days ago, but it looked like this yesterday, and still does right now (minus one banana.)
Here’s my front hallway. See how the shoes are lined up in an orderly fashion? They’ve held that pose since Sunday.
And if I didn’t think it would bore you even further, I’d share a picture of my sink, in which rest a coffee cup, bread knife, and cheese knife. That’s it. Basta.
There’s something weird going on around here and it is this: I am home alone. Entirely alone. For 4.5 days.
One daughter is working back east for the summer, and my husband took our other daughter to visit his mom and knock off some nearby college visits. So that leaves me here, without anyone else in my living space, for 108 hours straight, not that anyone is counting or trying to figure out when hour 54 hits and my freedom is on its downhill slope.
Sure, I miss them all. Sure, I’ll be glad when they’re all home. All those things. But if I seem AOK with the alone time, it’s because they’re all having a blast and not missing me, which is entirely appropriate. Also because I tried to figure out the last time I had this much solitude and the answer is: 1997.
I was pregnant with our oldest that year, and my husband traveled a lot for work, so I was frequently by myself. I had no idea, during those long stretches of time in an otherwise empty house, that it would be 20 years before my grocery shopping thought process could be, “Bread, cheese, cookies, a couple apples, and I’m set for a week.” That we would be a full seventeen years into the 21st century before I could queue up only the Spanish language songs on my iPhone, then blast them so I could practice my Spanish via phonetic singalong. That two decades would pass before I could live a life unshackled from the dishwasher, because it turns out I am not one of the residents of this house who uses 14 beverage receptacles per day.
There is also the unaccustomed thrill of doing whatever I feel like, when I want to, with zero negotiation involved.
On Sunday afternoon, for instance, while my husband and daughter were navigating the taxi stand at JFK, I did what I am pretty sure no one in my nuclear family would have agreed to on a sunny day. I attended a screening of “Turn It Around: The Story of East Bay Punk” at an Oakland movie theater that serves food and drinks. I spent three plus hours surrounded by midlife punk rockers in the audience, sipping a Dub Nation IPA, and listened to the midlife punk rockers on the screen (including my pal @XicanaBrava and, weirdly, a dad whose kid I used to drive in middle school carpool and had no idea was a musician) talk about how the punk music scene in Oakland, Berkeley, and the greater East Bay evolved in the 80s and 90s.
Quick movie review – the SFChron’s review of “Turn It Around,” which was executive produced by Green Day and narrated by Iggy Pop, said it’s basically a group of 40-somethings onscreen talking about how fun their 20s were. It’s why they didn’t love it, but it’s exactly why I did; their affection for what they built so organically and democratically, making a place for oddballs and weirdos and outcasts to build a community, was really compelling. And for this non-Bay Area native, it was educational to understand how the various iconic local venues like the Mabuhay and 924 Gilman came to be. Green Day fans do NOT want to miss this – tons of archival footage of Billie and Mike and Tre in their early teens, rocking out with mullets in the backyards of Rodeo, way up in the unincorporated part of Contra Costa County. I couldn’t have wiped the smile off my face if you paid me.
That matinee made for a perfect solo outing, capped off when I stopped at a bakery en route back to my car to top off my bread and cookies supply for the week.
Other than work, I haven’t done much since then. Rinsed out the coffee pot. Watched various stages of the Tour De France by fast forwarding through the boring parts. Kitchen-Dance-Party-tested the Aug 12 Cat Club playlist in progress. Assured three different friends by text that no, I really don’t need company, I’m just fine.
I probably hit #PeakNancy on Tuesday afternoon, when I went after work to a beer garden on the water just a stone’s throw from Alameda to read Ann Powers’ new book, and enjoy a beer and a pretzel while I sat alone in the sun.
It reminded of me of the very first time I ever lived alone, when I was in my early twenties, in a studio apartment in Germany where beer gardens and pretzels were a way of life. The novelty of living alone was thrilling back then, but the truth is I spent an inordinate amount of time in those years daydreaming about someday being married and having a family.
And when that family arrives back home tomorrow, I will gladly hand back the independence and the solitude and the tidy front hall for the lovely mess that is having your dreams come to life.
So much good music in “Turn It Around” but this Jawbreaker song is the one I can’t stop humming since Sunday. I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-Want-chu…
CommentsOh sorry I would have written back sooner but I felt like ... by Nancy Davis KhoCarrie. It's not too late. Plan a trip to see us for four days ... by Nancy Davis KhoSettle down over there, Kho! I can barely hear myself rag on my ... by Anna LeflerTwo summers ago, I realized that I was going to have 4 days ... by Carrie ParsonsIn this case the tired cinematic trope of the middle aged lady ... by Nancy Davis KhoPlus 3 more...Related StoriesJune GloomRed Head RealityMore Things I’m Not Allowed to Do Because #Aging
July 5, 2017
Ep 8: Happiness Expert Dr. Christine Carter
photo credit Blake Farrington
“The U-curve of happiness:” Sociologist and happiness expert Dr. Christine Carter talks about meaningful vs. happy lives at midlife, how an outward focus boosts inner happiness, and the U2 concert that helped her see her dad in a new light.
Christine’s website
Christine’s books, The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less (paperback in 2017) and Raising Happiness (2011)
The Manuel Noriega playlist from George Washington University’s National Security Archive
And for you, Christine. How in the name of all that is holy could you have no memory of Wham! performing THIS?:
Thanks as always to M. The Heir Apparent, who provides the music behind the podcast – check him out here!
CommentsIf you sing it “Nancy Davis Eyes,” it's more bearable. At ... by Nancy Davis KhoThe whole Manuel Noriega thing is one of my favorite historical ... by EllenRelated StoriesEp 7: Pixar Storyteller Scott MorseEp 3: Comedian Karinda DobbinsEp 2: Writer/musician Michelle Gonzales
June 27, 2017
Red Head Reality
I try to spare you guys as much anguish as I can. I don’t want to add to the anxiety you feel every time you log onto social media to see that 45 has just called another ally WEAK or SAD, or that another eminently preventable gun tragedy has occurred, or that your high school nemisis’ (nemisessess? nemisii?) perfect children have landed both another full scholarship and a blue ribbon at regional semifinals.
But I got a PR email the other day that I need to process with someone else, and you’re about to be dragged into my confusion.
You don’t know this (see paragraph 1) but I get pitches all the time from casting agents looking to populate their reality TV shows. My family isn’t even that stoked that I write about them, so the idea of letting someone shove a camera all up in their home business is a nonstarter. Still, I skim the emails to glean how we’re doing as a culture.
Not well, people. Not well. Here is the latest URGENT casting request I got:
We are in search of adorable and outgoing 5 and 6 year olds with a SOUTHERN ACCENT for a fun new TV show!
We are also looking for:
5 and 6 year olds:
– with glasses
– with red hair
– that live on a farm
– with accents
I have many questions.
What are the producers going to do with all these tiny gingers and their accents and glasses? WHAT IS THE PLAN? Am I overreacting by freaking out and imagining this auburn-tinted, down-South version of Lord of the Rings? Will someone there teach them that “who live on a farm” is the grammatically correct version of that bullet point?
Also, why the “also” when you’ve just said above that you’re looking for exactly what you’re about to ask for again? Maybe the accents thing is flexible. Could they be accents from the south of France? Southern Germany? Southern Albania? I’m picturing pint-sized, red haired Eurotoddlers engaged in some sort of nationalistic trash talking around farm tasks.
Tiny Ginger 1, taking a drag on a candy cigarette and waving his chubby toddler hand with Gallic dismissiveness: “Eeee doesn’t know ‘ow to milk a cow. Eeee sinks that café au lait eez made wiz white crayons. Pffffff.”
Tiny Ginger 2, wiping his hands on his little Lederhosen: “Ach ja, in Chermany ze cows are much more efficient. Not like zose French cows, und their tiny cheeses.”
Tiny Ginger 3, whose glasses are covered in wheat chaff but the producers won’t let him wipe them off because it’s winsome, “Can y’all tell me where the sunscreen is? Aaaahm getting freckles on mah freckles.”
What possible nefarious plan could these casting agents have for a herd of carrot-tops amongst the carrots? More importantly, what parent is going to sign on the dotted line to let their kids be on this show?
Oh, right. It’s late June, and there are still two months of summer vacation to go.
Word to the wise, rising first grader redheads: this is not the time to overdo it with the fidget spinner or whine about having to feed the dog. Because your 15 minutes of fame may be closer than you think.
I don’t know what the producers were thinking. Let’s have redhead Teddy Thompson sing it out.
CommentsHot damn, you're funny!
June 20, 2017
Ep 7: Pixar Storyteller Scott Morse
“Be open to wonder:” Pixar storyteller Scott Morse talks with with Nancy about growing older without growing up, the Beastie Boys as role models, and why Pixar’s Cars 3 might just be the perfect movie for midlifers.
courtesy of IMDB
Scott’s cool Instagram feed
TRICKSTER Gallery Berkeley
Whoops, on the podcast I said it was from McSweeney’s – it’s actually Slackjaw’s “Yankee Candle’s New Anxiety Collection,” including my signature sent, Spiced Endless Scrolling
And remember, Saturday August 12, from 9 pm – the wee hours, I’ll be guest-DJing my favorite ’80s dance hits at the Cat Club in San Francisco. We’re raising money for Bay Area food banks, so come on out and do good while you’re getting your ’80s dance vibes on!
In honor of Scott’s first concert:
Thanks as always to M. The Heir Apparent, who provides the music behind the podcast – check him out here!
Related StoriesEp 3: Comedian Karinda DobbinsEp 2: Writer/musician Michelle GonzalesEp 5: TV Critic Tim Goodman
June 15, 2017
Concert Review: The BoDeans
The Band: The BoDeans, June 14 2017. Straight outta Waukesha, Wisconsin, the BoDeans roared onto the scene back in 1983, and by ’87- the same year I last saw them play – their heartland alt-rock sound had earned them Rolling Stones’ nod as Best New American Band. Fronted by Kurt Neumann and Sam Llanas, they scored hits with songs like “Fadeaway,” “Good Things,” and of course, the Party of Five theme song “Closer.” For you purists, Sam quit the band a while back so indeed it’s a Llanas-version of the BoDeans currently on tour. But after thirty years you take what you can get, nostalgia-wise.
The Venue: Yoshi’s Oakland. Famed as one of the best jazz spots in the Bay Area, Yoshi’s is a sweet spot to catch some sushi before the seated nightclub show. Of course we ordered the Warriors Roll. (We should have ordered three, since the Dubs have been raining them throughout the playoffs.)
While you eat, your seat inside in the nightclub is marked with your name, which is how I know the couple who shared our booth with us were The Mullarkeys. Speaking of nostalgia – remember when this blog was called Normalarkey? Those were(n’t) the days.
The Company: Andrea, whose last show with me was Chance the Rapper, when security guards fell over laughing at the sight of ancient moms arriving to the show. Although to be fair much of our conversation over Warriors Rolls DID involve a vivid recap of her recent oral surgery, just like your grandma used to do in public, and which I’m sure the diners around us enjoyed thoroughly.
The Crowd: What Chance the Rapper gaveth, the BoDeans taketh away, and that thing was the role of The Oldest Whitest Person Here. This crowd was definitely going home after the show en masse to put on their nighttime bite guards, apply homeopathic medicine to achy joints, and rub in some magic anti-wrinkle retinol cream. I felt downright sprightly, or knew I would once I reached my bedside table tube of arnica gel and my Invisalign retainers.
Worth Hiring the Sitter? Ultimately Fine.
Remember 1987, a year when the BoDeans were hopping on and off the stage to play guitar solos in the middle of the crowd at Philly’s Chestnut Cabaret, and my friends and I could sustain a whole night of conversation that didn’t include medical histories? When Ronald Reagan was in office and we liberal snowflakes thought we had reached the lowest point to which our country could sink, and took musical comfort from a hard-rocking racially integrated band from the Midwest? We were all such innocent babies back then.
Thirty years later and at this point in 45’s presidency I welcome shows as much for the chance to be disconnected from all the outside horror – which on this day included two mass shootings, a presidential obstruction of justice investigation, and the ramrodding of a venal health care bill through Congress – as for the actual music.
Kurt may no longer be hopping off stages, and at 90 minutes the show felt abbreviated. But the music still delivered. The 2017 BoDeans steered clear of most of the hits that Llanas sang and leaned heavily on stripped down delivery of newer material that bore all the hallmarks of the ‘80s BoDeans songwriting. I particularly liked this one, in part because my kids’ hometown of Oakland was fixing to celebrate the Warriors the next morning.
And when it was time for the audience singalong of “Fadeaway,” everyone sang along loud and clear.
Let’s not fade away. Let’s try to hold onto the beat of better things.
CommentsYeah, for sure. You have no choice but to compare the Then/Now ... by Nancy Davis KhoWell I didn't want to air all your dirty laundry but since ... by Nancy Davis KhoA seated nightclub show. Sounds kind of like the City Winery. I ... by EllenYou left out the part where I got a bloody nose just from ... by FloribundaRelated StoriesConcert Review: SqueezeConcert Review: Frank Turner at the WarfieldMusical Taster Plate
June 9, 2017
June Gloom
There’s a Bay Area weather phenomenon that confounds tourists called “June Gloom.” Just as the rest of the country is slathering up with sunscreen and shaking the dust off the beach bags, we in the Bay Area layer up in fleece to combat the grey cold of morning, and talk to each other about whether the cloud cover will burn off before dinner. Some days we don’t see the sun until 2 or 3 in the afternoon, and then it’s just a couple hours in short sleeves before the fleece goes back on.
I love it. I’m built for cold, not heat, and I have an extensive wardrobe of hooded sweatshirts. The only summer days that truly offend me are the ones that dawn clear and sunny. You know, summery.
But this year’s June Gloom seems especially gloomy, because it’s pretty much how I feel inside, too. A year ago this week, my heretofore healthy 82 year old dad fainted while he was out golfing. An MRI a couple days later revealed the major brain tumor that was the metastasized melanoma that would take him from us before the end of July.
Every day so far in June 2017, I look back at my photos taken in June 2016 and remember the surreal timeline that unfolded all month. Oh, this is the day I flew to Rochester and went straight to the hospital last year. This is the day we had a family Father’s Day brunch and Dad ate like his regular self. This is the last day he ever went up to camp. I imagine this timeline of sadness will dog me like a shadow, a half step behind, all summer.
My view last June
If it does, it joins another shadow, the reminder that my father-in-law passed away in June, almost ten years ago. We remember BT on that day every year, in part because he had the style to die on 06/07/08, yet another thing about him that was elegant and memorable.
Then add in Father’s Day 2017, the first one on which neither my husband and I will have anyone to whom to send a card.
Then throw in my dad’s birthday, June 23. He and I had the same challenge – my birthday and Mother’s Day are only a week apart, and his birthday and Father’s Day are similarly linked. We used to laugh about how all our appreciation was crammed into on small week on the calendar, and how nice it might have been to space it out.
Compared to the other months, Dad-wise, June kinda sucks.
Almost a year after losing Dad, I can look back and recognize some of the peaks and valleys that marked my grief. Aside from a few wonderful things we did with the girls last summer, like picking one up from her ballet summer program and dropping the other off at college, I have zero recollection of anything from the day Dad fell, until basically Thanksgiving. Evidently I functioned, but nothing stuck.
January was the first time that I felt like I was almost, kind of, adjusted to the new normal, which includes a different level of concern and care for my mom, coordinated between my siblings and me. (It takes three of us to equal one of my dad on that score.) And by March when I started planning and producing the podcast, putting my energy into a new creative channel, I had whole swaths of time when I didn’t even think of my dad at all. Hours, even.
Of course, throughout this whole process, there have been random and unexpected moments of sheer sadness culminating in public and/or private weeping. The latest was last Saturday in a grocery store parking lot, when I decided to text my brother and sister a quick thanks for all they are doing for our mom, and ended up with my head down on the steering wheel sobbing while the nice man in the car parked directly across from mine looked on in concern. I had to give him the ol’ “It’s ok, dude, I’m fine” hand wave before he would back his car out. It made me laugh a little that he looked so alarmed.
And just like with the weather, that’s how my internal gloom lifts. Something pokes through the fabric of my sadness, some kindness or laughter or a moment of gratitude – for instance, for the kindness of strangers. And just like when the sun pokes through the Bay Area clouds, the June day isn’t a loss anymore. It can even feel kind of cozy.
As long as you keep your fleece and your tissues nearby.
Went to the best NorCal June Gloom show last night – Rogue and Jay at the UCBerkeley Botantical Gardens’ Redwood Grove, as part of its Summer Concert Series. We wore parkas. Rogue is Zach Rogue, of Rogue Wave, who together with Courtney Jaye’s crystalline voice created some of the most beautiful harmonies I’ve ever heard…check ‘em. I posted some video from the performance over on the MM Facebook page too.
CommentsHi Nancy … it's still hard for to believe that Larry is gone. ... by Barbara johnsonBeautiful words from a beautiful soul missing a beautiful soul. ... by Su-sanHugs, I know it won't get easier. June 5th was 11 years since ... by LanceThank you, Marianne. I appreciate it. xoxo by Nancy Davis Khosuch a true description of grief. I'm sorry for your loss Nancy by Marianne LonsdaleRelated StoriesMore Things I’m Not Allowed to Do Because #AgingHow To Listen to the Midlife Mixtape PodcastComing Soon…The Midlife Mixtape Podcast
June 6, 2017
Ep 6: Digital Pioneer Jory Des Jardins
“A series of cycles:” join Nancy and digital pioneer/BlogHer co-founder Jory Des Jardins as they discuss the benefits of midlife collaboration, realizing life may not be as linear as expected, and why Nancy needs to embrace Virtual Reality and get over her FOS (Fear of Snapchat.)
Read more about Jory
Virago – a strategic advisory for Women Entrepreneurs
“Oh yeah. I noticed you dancing.” Music by which to scrub your pans and/or embarrass yourself.
CommentsI will send you a snap and hopefully that will do the trick. ... by EllenGod I hope I'm still better than Elaine. But someone else would ... by Nancy Davis KhoSo, are you like Elaine on Seinfeld now? VR does make me ... by EllenRelated StoriesEp 3: Comedian Karinda DobbinsEp 2: Writer/musician Michelle GonzalesEp 5: TV Critic Tim Goodman
Ep 6: Digital pioneer Jory Des Jardins
“A series of cycles:” join Nancy and digital pioneer/BlogHer co-founder Jory Des Jardins as they discuss the benefits of midlife collaboration, realizing life may not be as linear as expected, and why Nancy needs to embrace Virtual Reality and get over her FOS (Fear of Snapchat.)
Read more about Jory
Virago – a strategic advisory for Women Entrepreneurs
“Oh yeah. I noticed you dancing.” Music by which to scrub your pans and/or embarrass yourself.
CommentsGod I hope I'm still better than Elaine. But someone else would ... by Nancy Davis KhoSo, are you like Elaine on Seinfeld now? VR does make me ... by EllenRelated StoriesComing Soon…The Midlife Mixtape PodcastBlogHer 2015: Just StopEp 5: TV Critic Tim Goodman
May 31, 2017
More Things I’m Not Allowed to Do Because #Aging
Oh heyyyyy I think I saw you near Melrose Place #mom2summit
A post shared by Nancy Davis Kho (@midlifemixtape) on May 12, 2017 at 6:17pm PDT
Sure, I could blow up the font on my phone like many of my friends do, to the point where they’re seeing about 1.5 characters before they have to swipe left. Or I could wear reading glasses. But if I’ve resorted to giant fonts and wearing reading glasses on a chain, why bother with the contacts?
All of which I had plenty of time to ponder the other night, after I left a bar that is 10 minutes’ drive from my house, where I’d gone to meet my friends Michelle and Michelle (collectively, Los Michelles.) It was a big girl night, ending late, so I dutifully punched the bright pink tile that I deduced was the Lyft app, then punched whatever buttons followed, like a 21st century Helen Keller (who has hearing and the power of speech and also isn’t actually blind.) I finally held up the phone to the younger of the Los Michelles – like I was going to ask the one complaining about hot flashes to read it for me – and said, “Read this” and she said, “Ok, your ride is coming and your driver is Manley.” (Which is, strangely, not the punchline of this story.)
What she didn’t say was that I had chosen the “Lyft Line” option which is cheap, yes, because it’s a carpool, and I spent the next 45 minutes trying to stay awake as Manley drove me and a clutch of Millennials around Oakland, dropping all of them off first. The good news is I saw parts of Oakland I didn’t know existed! The other good news is that Millennials saw a Gen Xer out after midnight! The other good news I have sworn off Lyfting While Contacts Lensing.
Buy white shirts. Don’t misunderstand – I am a huge fan of plain white tops: tshirts, button downs, puffy shirts. Virtually everyone looks smarter and more rested by wearing the right white shirt at the right time (though not even a white shirt can help .) But the extent to which this philosophy informs my life became clear on Memorial Day weekend when I set about cleaning out some drawers and closets. The resulting “to donate” bags look like contraband seized from an illicit White Shirt cartel (gang members are referred to as The Crisps.) I don’t think I’ve walked past a white shirt in Size 8/M in a retail setting and left it there, since at least 2010.
And when I drop off the shirts at Goodwill on Saturday, I doubt that the Size 8/M white shirt rack stands a chance.
Hey there Delilah! It’s a Plain White T’s song that isn’t Hey There Delilah!
Start watching the Bachelorette for the first time. I do not like Reality TV, Sam I Am. I blame it for the schande that is now running the Executive Branch, and I’ve avoided a good 97% of its programming in my life. However, when your college age daughter finally comes home from her first year at school, and is only home for a month before she leaves to work at her summer camp counselor job, and says, “Do you want to watch The Bachelorette with me?” I am Team I Love Reality TV Because It Lets Me Snuggle On The Couch With My 5’9” Daughter.
So we start watching last week and I have questions. So, so many questions, a veritable Lifetime™ of them. I will not bore you with my questions, because my daughter gets that honor for the remaining days that she is surely counting down with extra fervor now. I will say that I have a lot of advice for the lovely and talented Ms. Rachael Lindsay and I shout them all at the television, most but not all including the words “Do not insult us or yourself by keeping Whaaaabooooom!” (And I don’t even feel guilty because Roxane Gay says we should all be watching this season.)
Conduct a polite conversation. As you can tell by reading numbers 1-3, in which I manage to point the conversation to #45 within two sentences, I am now constitutionally unable to conduct a conversation free of politics. Maybe it’s because I’m so angry at how our country’s being kicked around by its “leadership,” maybe it’s because my make-nice estrogen levels are dropping, maybe it’s because I love my job and the opportunity for advancement I have here at Professional Paid Protestor International (thanks Soros and Cuban!) (This is sarcasm.) (If you need me to explain that this is sarcasm, you should probably just navigate away from Midlife Mixtape right now. These are not the droids you seek.) Whether you’re handing me a loaf of bread over the bakery counter, sitting next to me on an airplane, or praying next to me at church, rest assured we are going to be talking politics within 90 seconds.
Space yourself accordingly. (But please, not so far that you can’t read my phone screen to me.)
CommentsI wear glasses for distance when I drive. But I can't see my ... by Jill WearRelated StoriesDIY HealthcareHat TrickConflation Nation
May 23, 2017
Ep 5: TV Critic Tim Goodman
“Tear up the road map:” Tim Goodman, chief television critic for The Hollywood Reporter, talks with Nancy about the art of the midlife pivot, how music can be a bonding activity with the next generation, and his three-part Elvis Costello dream date.
Tim’s TV Talk Machine podcast
The Bastard Machine blog at The Hollywood Reporter
Tim’s 2017 summer jam – “Gwan,” by Rostam
Nancy’s eternal summer jam – “Summertime” by DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince (heeyyyyy, 1991)
Thanks as always to M. The Heir Apparent, who provides the music behind the podcast – check him out here!
Related StoriesHow To Listen to the Midlife Mixtape PodcastEp 4: Author/Amoeba Music co-founder Yvonne PrinzComing Soon…The Midlife Mixtape Podcast
