Brian Olsen's Blog, page 9

Writing tips

I’ve received so much good advice over the course of my writing career. Now that I’ve got an entire book out, I thought it was only right to give back to others who might be thinking about taking up writing themselves. Here’s some advice, from me to you. You’re welcome.

Don’t write what you know. Your life is boring and nobody wants to hear about it. If exciting things happened to you you wouldn’t be a writer.
If you get stuck halfway through your book, just write, “And then they found a time machine!” and repeat the first half.
Introduce a dog and then kill it off. People freak out when you do that.
Remember that life is rarely straightforward. People have rich inner lives and complex motivations. Simplify that shit or you’ll never finish.
Readers love sequels. If you’ve written a poorly-selling second book and it isn’t a sequel, re-introduce the main character from your first book. Just add a sentence at the top, something like, “Joe from that other book of mine you liked said,” and then put everything else in quotation marks.
Remember, everyone judges a book by its cover! So maybe change out of those gross sweatpants. Take a shower once in a while and do something with your hair. Jesus.
Keep up with the latest trends if you want a best-seller. For example, dinosaur erotica is very hot right now. All the biggies have been done -T Rex, velociraptors, and such – but what about anchiornis? Anchiornis was a small, feathered dinosaur with long legs which resembled a chicken and was probably a total slut.
Seek expert advice! If your characters are in the military, talk to some soldiers for guidance on equipment and terminology. Writing sci-fi? Get a scientist’s take on your main concept. Romance? Poll your billionaire friends about what they look for in a schlumpy middle-class secretary. Western? Find a cowboy. Fantasy? Talk to an elf. Fan-fiction? Ask the My Little Ponies what kind of sick stuff they’re into.
If you get a single bad review, give up. People are mean and it isn’t worth the tears, trust me. Have you tried singing? Maybe you could take up singing.
If your book has two brown covers, is warm, and tastes good when covered in butter or jam, you haven’t written a book, you’ve made toast. You can probably still self-publish it on Amazon, though.

Now available on iTunes

Alan Lennox and the Temp Job of Doom and This Is What He Should Have Said are BOTH now available on the iTunes store for all Apple devices. iHooray!

Alan Lennox and the Temp Job of Doom at iTunes
This Is What He Should Have Said at iTunes

“Alan Lennox” available for Nook and Kobo!

Alan Lennox and the Temp Job of Doom is now available for Barnes and Noble’s Nook readers, and for Kobo readers as well!

Alan Lennox for Nook

Alan Lennox for Kobo

Alan Lennox free for Kindle!

Alan Lennox and the Temp Job of Doom is free for the Kindle and Kindle apps, now through Saturday!

 

And you know you can get the free Kindle app for just about any smartphone, laptop or computer, right?

Download Alan Lennox for free from Amazon!

Alan Lennox has been assigned yet another soul-crushing temp job, keeping him from his first loves – drinking, playing video games, and looking for a boyfriend. But Alan’s new job proves to be anything but boring when his co-workers start turning up dead. The mysterious megacorporation Amalgamated Synergy has taken a deadly interest in Alan and his three roommates, and the hapless quartet are woefully unequipped to deal with the psychotic secretaries, murderous middle managers, and villainous vice-presidents hunting them down.

Their investigation leads them deep into Amalgamated Synergy’s headquarters, but can Alan and his friends stay alive long enough to discover who – or what – waits for them on the top floor?

Interviewed by Kate Danley

Kate Danley, author of The Woodcutter and the Maggie MacKay: Magical Tracker series and a long-time friend, has interviewed me for her blog! We talk about Alan Lennox and the Temp Job of Doom, what I’m working on now, how I started writing and more. Take a look (and check out some of Kate’s brilliant books while you’re there). You can read the whole interview here.

“This Is What He Should Have Said” now for the Nook

My short story, This Is What He Should Have Said, is available right now for the Nook, from Barnes and Noble!

Only ninety-nine cents! Check it out!

(And of course, it’s still available on Amazon too!)

This Is What He Should Have Said

I’ve got a new short story out, available right now for the Kindle for only 99 cents! Pick it up here.

Bradford worries constantly that any new people he meets will find him boring. By and large, his fears are justified. When his co-workers invite him to a casual night out at a bar, Bradford finds making conversation to be as painful as ever. Will he realize how much his life of solitude is costing him before it’s too late?

Something to tide you over until the next book is out. I hope you’ll check it out!

Membership Drive

Years and years ago, I used to write plays and sketches, all comedic. I mostly wrote to give myself something to act in or direct, and abandoned writing almost entirely when I started acting professionally.

Now, with a return to writing (albeit a different form), I’m revisiting some of my old theater pieces to see if anything is worthwhile. Most of it isn’t, but this made me laugh. It’s an unfinished piece – barely started, in fact. It’s just a few lines long. I probably wrote it twenty years ago, give or take. I have no memory of it whatsoever.

Membership Drive
(A GAY MAN and a LESBIAN knock at a door. A MOTHER answers.)

MOTHER
Yes?

GAY MAN
Hi, we’re homosexuals. We’re here to recruit your children.

MOTHER
Oh, please, come in.

(They all enter.)

MOTHER
Sit down, sit down. Can I get you anything to drink?

LESBIAN
No, thank you. We’re fine.

MOTHER
I’m glad you came by. I’ve been hearing a lot about this homosexual lifestyle.

GAY MAN
We’ve been getting a lot of press lately.

LESBIAN
Still, our numbers are down slightly this quarter, so we’re having a door-to-door membership drive. We’d like to tell you about some of the benefits homosexuality could bring to your children.

MOTHER
I’m all ears.

GAY MAN
How many children do you have, ma’am?

MOTHER
Little Billy is 10, and Janey is six and a half. They’re at school right now.

That’s it. That’s the whole thing. It’s pretty slight, but I really like how enthusiastic the mother is. I’m not sure where I would have gone with this, as I think that’s pretty much the only joke. Since this will never be finished, and it’s worth exactly one laugh, I thought I might as well share.

Abandoned

“Wow.”

Jane stared at the dilapidated old barn standing lonesome in the abandoned field. It looked nothing like the structure she remembered from her childhood.

“Let’s go in,” Tom said.

“Is it safe?” she asked.

“Come on,” was the only reply.

She followed him in through the gaping doorway. The cool afternoon air turned humid and musty.

Jane looked around, at the rotting wood and empty stalls. A skeleton of a memory.

“I can’t believe it,” she said. “It’s so different.”

“You haven’t been here in years,” Tom said.

“I guess not.”

She joined him in the center of the barn, in the square of light pouring in from the upper window.

“Look at that beam,” she said. “That’s where we jumped from, into the hay. Remember?”

“I remember,” he said.

“Remember the rats scuttling away when we landed? I don’t know why that didn’t bother me. I could never do that now, could you?”

“We were braver then,” he said quietly.

She let that sit for a moment.

Then, “Well, it’s rotted now. No jumping anymore.”

He kicked at a clod of dirt. “Nope. No anything anymore.”

He looked up at her and grinned.

“We did more than jump in that hay,” he said. “Remember that?”

“I remember your dad catching us,” she said, returning his smile. “I was sure he’d tell my folks.”

“Instead he sat us both down and gave us ‘the talk,’” Tom said.

“That was worse! I wanted to die.”

They laughed. Some of the tension she had felt since he called her dissipated.

“Tom, why did you bring me here?” she asked him.

The smile vanished. He shrugged. “Thought you’d want to see it before it was gone. This hasn’t been a working farm in years, we’re selling off most of the land. Need to tear this old thing down first.”

“I heard about the farm. Sorry. I know it meant a lot to your dad.”

“Meant a lot to me, too,” he said.

“I know that,” she said. “Obviously, I know that.”

They were quiet again for a moment.

“We’re fine without the farm,” Tom said. “Elaine telecommutes three days, and I do consulting for some of the corporate farms, so one of us is always home for the kids.”

“Good. That’s good, then.”

“How’s New York?”

“It’s good. I just showed in a gallery, that was exciting. Alex made partner. We’re thinking first kid in the next year or two, maybe.”

He didn’t meet her eyes. “That’s great. Life’s good all around, then.”

“Don’t,” she said. “It was your choice.”

“Me in New York,” he scoffed, still not looking at her.

“I’d better go,” she said. “My folks are making dinner.” She walked away from him.

“Wait, Jane…” he said.

“Thanks for calling, Tom,” she said as she crossed the doorway. “I’m glad I got to see the old place one last time.”

Harry Potter and the Assumption of Heterosexuality

I was in the audience at Carnegie Hall the night J. K. Rowling revealed for the first time that Dumbledore was gay. My friend Kate  had won two tickets to an evening with the author after the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Kate took me as her guest, something for which I will be eternally grateful to her (added to the long list of things I have to be eternally grateful to Kate for).

A young girl – I want to say she was around twelve, though I may be misremembering – shared a personal story about how the Harry Potter books had helped her through a difficult time in her life. She then asked if Dumbledore had ever found love. Rowling hesitated, then said that because the girl had been so honest, she deserved an honest answer. She said she had always considered Dumbledore to be gay.

The audience cheered and applauded. I did as well. It was a lovely moment. By the time I got home, the internet had exploded.

As I thought more about it, I found myself wishing Rowling had made Dumbledore’s sexuality explicit in the actual text. How much more powerful would that have been? I’m not suggesting she change her story the slightest bit, just that she could have stated clearly what she says she already intended. One little throwaway line about Dumbledore being in love with his friend would have had such a colossal impact. It would have done so much good. A major character in children’s fiction, names as gay in the book itself. Undeniable. Parents would be reading a story to their kids that includes a same-sex love presented as valid (if doomed). How many gay kids would have been helped by that? How many straight kids, for that matter? How many would still be helped now, as new generations discover these books for the first time?

I don’t blame J.K. Rowling. She is cetainly an ally to the LGBTQ community. I don’t think it was a purposeful omission on her part. I don’t know why she didn’t clarify Dumbledore’s feelings, but it seems unlikely she was shying away from controversy. I think she wrote the story she wanted to write, and it’s a damn good one. I’m just a little disappointed that she didn’t go that one tiny step further, as the end result would have been so much greater.

Still, I’m glad she said what she said. Even though Dumbledore’s sexuality is far from clear in the text, and plenty of people will read the book and never notice anything romantic in his feelings towards Grindelwald (I certainly didn’t), a lot of people now know Dumbledore is gay, and that helps. And when she said it, it was beautiful. And I’m so happy I was there.

(This post was inspired by some conversations happening on Gail Simone’s Tumblr blog. If you’re a comics fan you should definitely follow her.) (And if you want to get the really insane – but hilarious – stuff, follow her on Twitter.)