Carl ''Cal'' Tuohey's Blog, page 2

Book Signing #2

I have just agreed to a second book signing for “Gray Hair, Black Belt”

Date: Saturday, September 21st

Time: 11:00 AM

Place:

Bindings Bookstore

28 W. Center St.

Albion, NY 14411

(585) 283-4498

I hope to see you there!

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“Gray Hair, Black Belt”

Why I Heart NY

Being of a certain age (I remember when Buffalo had a professional hockey team) many of my friends have either retired or are talking about it.  These conversations are as painful as listening to your parents’ ailments.

With the retirements come the inevitable discussions about where they will live.  A racetrack bettor would box this trifecta of answers:

Stay right here in our home town.  The reason for the choice to stay in our home town is either because there is family here they need to look after, or they have many friends here.  But over time this choice becomes less relevant as family and friends either pass on or we get tired of hearing about their ailments and don’t want to hang around them any more.
Move to where there children are.  An obvious choice.  They want to be near their kids and grandchildren.  Especially the grandchildren.  After all, it’s payback time…take the grandkids for an hour after dinner, give them a cup of sugar cubes topped with honey, then drop them off.  The grandkids will make sure their parents don’t sleep that night.
Florida.  We can all guess the primary reason for moving to Florida.  All together now: “It’s warm.”  Sure, it’s warmer.  But let’s look at the other side of the coin…

What’s wrong with Florida?  Hmmm, let’s see…

Hurricanes.  You sure won’t have to worry about watering your flowers.  Instead, this time will be used to board up your windows.
Sinkholes.  Florida is like a real-life episode of Twilight Zone.  You are walking along and “poof”, you are now taking the shortcut straight down to China.  How many ways does God have to say “Don’t move here”?
Population. The population doubles every 20 years.  And you think it’s crowded on an airplane?
Donde esta la English?  Florida was the first state to require “Press 1 for English, 2 for Spanish” on all recorded phone messages.  You will soon be a foreigner in your own country.
The Heat.  The ‘warmth’ of Florida is great – in the winter.  But in the summer the heat is unbearable.  At least you can go outside and do things during a northern winter. They provide opportunities for building snowforts, skiing, snow angels (try making a grass angel in Florida – you will find that fire ants don’t take kindly to being covered up), sledding, snowmobiling, polar bear swims, snowball fights, and bowling leagues.  What can you do during a Florida summer?  Let’s see.  Go find a pool (where the water temp is now 92º), go to the beach, or join a bowling league.  That’s it.  After three days your cycle starts over.  By then, you’ve started your annual trip up north!

Hmm, maybe I should have titled this entry “Why I’m Tired of FL Talk”???

Joke of the Day

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.”

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?”

There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,”That’s 40 cents, please.”

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”

“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix ,” the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”

“Wow! That’s some story!” one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “They’re retired people from Florida . They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price…”

My Favorite Movies

Over the years my activities have become, oh, how shall we put it…lazy.  Along with taking my daily pills, watching movies on television is now one of my favorite things to do.  Both make me feel better.  And want to spend the whole day in my recliner.

While trying to figuring out the remote control the other day I wondered what my all-time favorite movies were.  Here is what I’ve come up with:

#10) Drumline: A glimpse into the highly competitive world of college bands.  In one scene, just before leading the band onto the field to perform, the band director exclaims “It’s showtime!”.  Now my young son says that when he walks into the bathroom and closes the door.

#9) Pulp Fiction: Blood, Travolta, and an obscure sequence of scenes.  What more could one want?  I’ve always wondered why the phone never rang or a customer never walked into the diner while it was being robbed.  SPOILER ALERT: Bruce Willis plays a cool dude.

#8) Goodfellas: This movie lets you see how much fun it is waking up to find your wife holding a gun to your face.  Sure, robbery, extortion, murder and selling drugs is okay but having a girl on the side crosses the line.  One also discovers it not wise to mouth off to Joe Pesci, or pester Robert De Niro for money.  Take the kids!

#7) Borat: Borat shows a foreigner traveling across America and how confusing it can be to an outsider, like a guy walking through Lord and Taylor.  The scene with Borat wrestling his manager is one of the funniest I have ever “scene”!

#6) Ol’ Yeller: Some advice – don’t watch this movie with your unsympathetic cousin.  My cousin took me to watch this movie with his buddies.  At the end, they all sat there watching me cry.  And this was just last week at his friend’s house.

#5) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: Not much violence, not much action…not sure why I like this movie so much.  But I do.  I guess it is the humorous exchanges between Butch and Sundance.  Best line of the movie, imo: Butch says he wanted to go into the army and become a hero.  Sundance replies “Well, it’s too late now”, shattering his dreams.  Candid and priceless!

#4) Patton: Make a movie about Dubya Dubya Two and I’m all over it.  One learns how to alleviate a traffic jam on an Italian bridge.

#3) The Godfather: I always fantasized about our family being like the Corleone’s.  Of course, without being gunned down on the street.

#2) Dumb and Dumber: Any goofy movie that even my wife likes has GOT to be good.  I’m going to hang out by the bar.  Put out the vibe.

And My #1 Of All Time) The Ghost and Mr. Chicken: A movie for the whole family and should be mandatory viewing in elementary schools across the nation.  Nay, across the world.  TGAMC swirls in greatness on so many levels.  The acting is brilliant.  The movie score is captivating.  And who can’t relate to being afraid of ghosts?  This is Don Knotts’ finest hour.  One of my favorite quotes ever is from this movie “Karate.  My whole body’s a weapon.”  It also provides an example for all potential public speakers on how NOT to make a speech!  Who were your heroes?  Luther Heggs!

In one of the most riveting scenes in cinematic history, Luther sees the organ for the first time.  And they used Bonami!

You will notice none of my movies are true love stories.  Hey, if I wanted to kiss someone I love then I’d find the nearest mirror.  (Although, the scene in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid where Sundance shows up at Hedda’s house is romantic.  And embarrassing if you watched it at the theater with your Dad – he also looked to see if I was crying).

Feel free to share your favorite movie and why it is.

A Sporting Man Loses To Father Time

I can’t play sports any more.  There, I said it.  And I hate admitting it, like when a trooper pulled me over for doing 80 in a 55 mph zone and asked “Were you speeding?”  At least, admitting it in this blog, I don’t have a line of cars that I just passed all pointing and laughing at me as I get a ticket.

Ladies, don’t believe those Cialis commercials.  Most men would agree the worst part about growing old is that, at some point, we have to stop playing the sports we loved in our younger days.  Even the ones we stunk at.

Softball?  Forget it.  It got to the point where I was pulling a tendon just putting on my spikes.  My back was snapping more often than my old shoelaces.

Basketball?  Ha!  Not with MY knees.  A few years ago my doctor told me I was done playing basketball because my hip had given out.  And this was three days before our first annual high school alumni basketball game.  Three days!  I already had my old Converse All-Stars, white knee-high socks and high-cut shorts picked out to wear.  I was going to show the kids of today how a cool-looking dude dressed back in the day.  (I’ve since switched doctors.  After all, why go to someone who gives you bad news?  And then charges you for it!)

Football?  One would normally think that my football days were long gone.  BUT….

In June, at age 57, I attempted to turn back the clock.  I played in my high school’s alumni football game.  By the end of the game it was obvious it was my farewell curtain call from sports I love.  Going into the game my goal was not to get a sack, not even to finish the game uninjured.  My goal was to complete my run from the goal line to midfield during the pregame introduction (see pic below).  After I got to the 50 yard line I discovered that my painful journey was not finished.  My teammates had all lined up with one hand extended – I had to run down the line, high fiving my teammates.

The game was a breeze after that run.  I played defensive end for one series and a total of four plays.  The first play our opponents ran by me for a first down.  With my bad knees I felt like a sitting duck out there.  Imagine a bowling alley with the 2 and 3 pins standing alone and someone fires a medicine ball at them at 80 mph.  Then a trooper standing halfway down the alley gives it a huge push instead of giving a ticket.  Those two pins represented my legs and the medicine ball represented the opposing blockers.  The trooper represented Satan.  It felt like my legs had the same chance of holding up against the blockers as those two pins did against a well-thrown medicine ball.

(Side Note: a sure sign I’ve gotten on in years happened after the game.  One of the opposing players graduated the same year I did.  After the game I was looking for him to find out how HE felt.  You know, aches, pains, missing dentures.  During the post-game handshake I asked one of their players “Hey, where’s that old man, #57, from the class of 1974?  I played against him in high school.”  The player pointed toward their bench and said “Dad’s over there.”  Ugh.

Nowadays, my activities are less active.  My weekends are taken up with sailing and golf.  And I only golf if we take a cart!

You win again, Father Time.  You win.

Actual picture of me running out onto the field before our alumni football game last month.  Two yards down, 48 to go.

Vacation 2013 – The Literalist

My son and I just got back from a short 4-day, 3-night vacation in the 1000 Islands in upstate New York.  Way, way, WAY upstate!  A friend invited us up to his cottage.  Knowing how often I’m “One and Done” on invites, I decided to take advantage.  We had a great time in a beautiful area….sand, sun, sand, golf, sand, warm water.  Did I mention sand???

One day my son, our host and I went down to the beach.  After a while my son said he had to go to the bathroom.  “Poop?”, I asked.  “No, pee”.  Good!  Now, a trip back to the cottage entailed getting up out of my chair (the hard part), walking back to the cottage, hosing the sand off of him, drying him off, and then sending him in to the bathroom.  For convenience sake I told him “Just go in the water.”  Being the kind of kid that does as he’s told, my son waded out into the water until the water was knee-high on him.  I thought he was just stopping for a minute before he continued to deeper waters.  Nope.  Next thing I know he had pulled his swimming trunks down and was standing out there as if he was in front of a toilet (which, in a way, he was).

Not wanting to get tossed from the beach my host and I both yelled “No!  Go in your trunks!”  So my son turns around, walks back onto the beach and stops.  He then started dripping a lot more than just water.  I asked “Are you peeing?”  “Yes”.  Ugh.

By now it was too late.  I let him finish, making sure the waves came high enough on shore, then pointed him out to the water to rinse out his trunks.  I guess I still have some “manly outdoor training” to do.  But first, I have to get permission for us to return to the beach!

Who Comes Up With These Holidays???

I recently did a little research for my blog and had an interesting observation: We have too many holidays!

Here are some of the unofficial holidays that are celebrated:

Milk Day.  I can only imagine a bunch of celebrators sitting around with bags of Oreo cookies.
World Laughter Day.  Shouldn’t every day be World Laughter Day?  (By the way, I’m trying to do my part here.)
Wikipedia Day.  This celebrates the collection of Internet falsities and lies until proven otherwise.
National Religious Freedom Day.  Now, if we could get a National Government Freedom Day, THAT would be great.
Data Privacy Day, but the Obama Administration is looking to scour this one from the list, like when Pharaoh removed all references of Moses’ name in ancient Egypt.
School Day Of Non-Violence And Peace.  What next, “Mom and Apple Pie Day”?)
DNA Day, observed by all the guys proven NOT to be the father on the Maury Povich Show.
Honesty Day.  Observed in all parts of our country except Washington, DC and any state capital.
International Surfing Day.  Not a biggie in Nepal.
Caps Lock Day.  Or, should I say “CAPS LOCK DAY”???
International Free Hugs Day.  Great idea, until you are arrested.
International Talk Like A Pirate Day.  This falls between  “International Scratch Your Nails On A Blackboard Day” and “Clip Your Nails In Public Day”.
Ask A Stupid Question Day.  September 28th.  That’s right, just one day.  Don’t ask.
National Day Of Listening.  For women this is the day after Thanksgiving.  For men, it is every day.
Buy Nothing Day.  For women, November 25-26.  For men, it is every day.  Again.

And no silly list would be complete without my favorite on December 23rd: FESTIVUS!!!  I’ve already aired my grievances.

“Sweat” Is Not A 4-Letter Word

Because my knees are degrading quicker than the popularity of the NSA, my nephew now mows our yard.  When I mowed it took me 45 minutes.  And that was knowing I had more yard work to do when I finished, and I wasn’t getting paid to mow.

It takes my nephew at least an hour.  For you non-mathematicians, that’s a 33% increase in time.   Why does it take a capable teenager longer to mow than a middle-aged man?  Here are some of the reasons why:

My nephew feels the need to stop every 10 or 15 minutes to get a drink of water.  When I asked him why he stops so often he told me “I’m sweating”.  SO???  You are SUPPOSED to sweat when you work!  I blame this directly on the AMA when they declared ‘obesity’ a disease.  Give me a break!
My nephew will spend 5 minutes looking at a problem instead of working through it.  Due to heavy rains our pool overflowed a bit into our lawn.  He looked at the water in the grass for some time.  Maybe he was waiting to see if the water would dry up, I don’t know.  He eventually came over to tell me “It’s flooded over there.  I can’t mow it”.  I went to check it out – there WAS a little water.  I think two ice cubes had melted.  Now, with the mower set up high, my nephew would mow right over it.  But, he spent more time looking for a reason NOT to mow instead of mowing.  Ugh!!!  Like Nike used to say, “Just do it!”
He doesn’t prep the yard.  Before I mow I go and move anything out of the way.  Lawn furniture, swings, the landmines that keep the neighbor kids out of the yard. This saves me time because I’m not stopping the mower to move the items as I get to them, as my nephew does.  I’m waiting for the day he tells me the mower cord has worn down from all his stopping and re-starting.  Of course, THEN he won’t be able to mow.  Maybe he’s smarting than I give him credit for.

A little preparation, a little more determination, and realizing that sometimes your body exudes water, and he could get the lawn done in 45 minutes, too!

Well, Let’s Get Started

The reason I started this blog is to encourage me to continue writing.  Writing anything.

I recently had my first book published (and, in one of my rare instances of non self-promotion, I won’t mention the title in this entry).  I am now going through the marketing process like a hippopotamus goes through muddy water.

My plan is to initially post at least once a week.  Then, increase the frequency.

This blog will keep me busy, focused, and help me refine my skills.  I hope!

“Gray Hair, Black Belt” Is Available!

“Gray Hair, Black Belt” Is Available!