Kathy Lynn Emerson's Blog, page 92

Negotiating

Jessie: In a tiny village surrounded by leaf piles

If you get a bunch of writers together and wait for the conversation to scratch down to the things that matter it becomes clear that we all have something in common: a challenging relationship with the dreaded inner critic. The critic pops up during every project and hisses dispiriting counsel into all writers’ ears. I call mine Carlisle.

Early in my career I took a workshop on creativity at the New England Crime Bake facilitated by author Shelley Carson, PhD.  In it I learned that all creative projects work  through a series of predictable stages and that these stages use different parts of the brain.

It turns out that the creativity needed to make interesting connections and create early drafts of a novel is cooked up in a totally different part of the brain than is critical evaluation. This  explains the creative paralysis that occurs whenever the critic tries to weigh in on the work too early in the process.

As I started thinking about my brain as divided into different chunks that governed different aspect of my work it occurred to me that I could treat these parts as a team of employees who all had a role to play in getting the job done. This is how Carlisle came into being. Giving the critical, evaluating part of my brain its own personality and a clear set of responsibilities has made a significant difference in my productivity and how much I enjoy writing.

Now, whenever I start a project and I hear Carlisle begin to whisper and then to shout that I am attempting too much, the words are wrong, the idea is a dud, I address him by name and acknowledge the value he brings to the team. I mention how much I appreciate his concern for my reputation and how important his rigorous scrutiny is for the overall quality of any venture. Then I remind him that there will be nothing for him to evaluate if he doesn’t let the other sections of my brain do their jobs too. I promise I won’t ever send anything off to my editor without him having a thorough crack at it first. Then I send him to the break room for a cup of tea and a nap.

I can’t say he never pops back up to lurk over my shoulder before I am ready to welcome him but I but I can say it happens less and less often. I think it’s because he doesn’t need to say increasing unkind things, at greater and greater volume, to capture my attention. When I stick to my side of the bargain he tends to uphold his too.

Another, unexpected benefit of this way of thinking is my own attitude towards Carlisle’s criticism once I’ve reached the revision stage. It turns out that when he participates at the right point in the writing process I feel as though I have the expert help of a trusted friend and invaluable ally. I love revisions now and actually find them easier than the first draft.

Perhaps all this makes me crazy but it’s a pleasant sort of insanity. I’d love to hear how you manage your inner critic. Do you name it? Avoid it? Stick your fingers in your ears and hum?

Weekend Update: October 24-25, 2015

Next week at Maine Crime Writers there will be posts by Jessie Crockett (Monday), Maureen Milliken (Tuesday), and Bruce Coffin (Wednesday), with a guest post on Thursday and a special Halloween guest post on Friday.

In the news department, here’s what’s happening with some of us who blog regularly at Maine Crime Writers:

from Kaitlyn Dunnett/Kathy Lynn Emerson: The Scottie Barked at Midnight will be in stores and available as an ebook on Tuesday, October 27 and I’ll be guest blogging at Jungle Red and Dru’s Book Musings next week.

On Saturday, October 31 from 10-5 and Sunday, November 1 from 10-3, Lea Wait and I will have a booth at the REM Craft Fair being held at 30 Elm Plaza (Champion’s Fitness Center) in Waterville, Maine. There will be about sixty dealers but we’ll be the only writers. Sounds lke a perfect place to start your Christmas shopping!

From Barb Ross: Finally, post knee replacement, I am sprung, at least for a little bit. On Saturday I’ll be signing and selling books at the Sisters in Crime New England Booth (#32) at the Boston Book Festival. On Monday, October 26, from 12:30 to 2:30, I’ll be signing and giving away books in the Sisters in Crime New England booth at the New England Library Association Annual Conference in Manchester, NH.

From Lea Wait: Looking forward to spending next weekend with Kathy in Waterville! And just a note that my Uncertain Glory has just been released in paperback … in time for classroom copies and Christmas gifts!  (Uncertain Glory is my book about a boy who published the town’s newspaper in Wiscasset, Maine in the mid-19th century, and is set during the first two weeks of the Civil War, April, 1861. Great for anyone who loves Maine … or is fascinated by the Civil War.

And more from Kaitlyn Dunnett: I’ve just received word that The Scottie Barked at Midnight is a Woman’s World Book Club pick. It’s featured in the December 7th issue, in stores in early November.

 

An invitation to readers of this blog: Do you have news relating to Maine, Crime, or Writing? We’d love to hear from you. Just comment below to share.

And a reminder: If your library, school, or organization is looking for a speaker, we are often available to talk about the writing process, research, where we get our ideas, and other mysteries of the business. Contact Kate Flora: mailto: kateflora@gmail.com

How Much Does it Cost to Self-Publish (And Is it Worth the Money?)

It’s Jen again, coming to you from another drizzly, overcast day – though I’m not complaining, as the last few days it’s been bright sunny skies and gorgeous fall colors. A little rain now and again comes with the territory.

I promise I won’t make a habit of always talking business, but after the interest in my post on self-publishing last month, I decided I would follow up this month with a post that actually looks at the numbers involved in self-publishing. I know… Numbers aren’t sexy. They’re not creative. As we all know, however, they are necessary in evaluating whether or not a venture makes sense. Yes — even when it’s a writing venture.

I’ll begin by saying that I think it’s a good idea to try to incur as little expense up front as possible when self-publishing, simply because it will usually take between three to five books before you start to see much of a profit. Regardless of how much money you put into that first book, unless it’s a standalone novel with a phenomenal setup, you’re not going to get a lot of traction initially. So, just keep that in mind and consider holding off on purchasing much in the way of advertising, marketing, or promotional materials until you’re ready to launch the second or third book. Initially, your biggest expenses should be on the production side of things – specifically, editing, cover design, and formatting.

So, with that in mind, what are the expenses you can expect to incur when independently publishing your novel?

Editing

Cover design

Ebook & print formatting

Advertising

Conferences

Marketing & promotional materials

Education

Software

You’ll notice that on that list, I don’t include printing costs. That’s my own preference, but personally I’ve found that it makes little sense to fund a large print run when you can go with Print on Demand through Createspace, BookBaby, or IngramSpark, and pay little more per book than you would for a print run of 500 – 1,000 books with a printing company. My novels run about 300 pages, and I rarely pay more than $4.30 per book through CreateSpace, including shipping. During particularly lean times, that meant I could scrounge for $50 to pay for ten books when I was doing a signing, but otherwise I didn’t have to worry about it, and I didn’t have boxes and boxes of books moldering in my basement. If you have an aggressive marketing plan and a good network of independent booksellers, you may consider going with a larger print run; without those two things, however, it’s very hard to move print on your own.

So, how much can you expect to spend on that lengthy list?

Editing. Depending on your own skill as an editor, your contacts in the business, and the quality of your beta readers, this can run anywhere from hundreds to thousands of dollars. I run a very busy editing business myself, and charge $30 per 1,000 words for a comprehensive edit that includes content edit, copy edit, two revisions, and final proofread. For more experienced writers, I do a beta read for $5 per 1,000 words and then a straight copy edit for $16 per 1,000 words. I occasionally barter my services with others in the business; if you have the right contacts and not a lot of cash up front, that’s a possibility to consider when looking for your own editor. Others do charge less than I do; just be careful when choosing an editor, as going with someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing can be disastrous. For more on how to choose an editor, you can check out this Q&A I did with Joanna Penn, of The Creative Penn.

Cover design. When I first started out, I paid $99 to www.probookcovers.com, and was very happy with the quality of the work they did for me. Since that time, I actually paid for a complete cover overhaul of my existing novels, and went through www.damonza.com, paying $495 per cover (their prices have since gone up by about $100). I have recently switched cover artists again because I wanted to work with someone who would give me original art rather than stock images. I now work with Jeremy John Parker, and pay a bit more for an original cover. Clearly, there’s a broad range here. My advice is simply to make sure you don’t skimp and try to design the cover yourself. Get someone who knows the business and understands design, and be prepared to pony up at least a little cash to get it right.

Ebook formatting. You can hire an ebook formatter for upwards of $100, or you can purchase Scrivener Writing Software for $40 – $45 (depending on whether you have a PC or Mac) and format your book(s) yourself for all of the major ebook retailers. I purchased Scrivener and then bought the course Learn Scrivener Fast by Joseph Michael for an additional $300, which proved to be a very worthwhile investment. Now, I’m able to do all ebook and print formatting myself with minimal steps and no headaches, and I can make updates and re-upload to Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, and the other sales outlets I use, without having to hire a middle man and wait for him to do it for me.

Advertising. Over the course of the past year, I’ve spent about $1500 in advertising through BookBub and NoiseTrade. BookBub is fairly pricy and quite selective about the titles they’ll take on, but if you’re well reviewed and are able to score a spot with them, it’s absolutely worth the cost. I’m considering doing some advertising on Facebook, but haven’t committed to that just yet. I’m still working on establishing a larger advertiser pool from which to choose, but right now I’ve found BookBub to be the most effective by a wide margin.

Conferences. If you’re hoping to get an agent or simply want to make connections among fellow writers or readers in your genre, I think conferences are definitely worth the time and expense. However, for self-published authors, income is reliant on how efficiently you can actually write, edit, and publish a novel, so beware of making too many commitments that could infringe on your writing time.

Marketing and promotional materials. As Kate mentioned in her post, “Can You Afford to Get Published,” traditionally published novelists are also responsible for purchasing their own marketing and promotional materials. With VistaPrint, NextDayFlyers, and a whole host of other inexpensive companies on the web, however, you don’t have to break the bank to have custom bookmarks, magnets, or more high-end SWAG for your loyal readers. It’s easy to go crazy with this stuff, so just keep a close eye on your bottom line and remember that readers are far more interested in you writing another great book than them scoring a free pen and matching bookmark.

Education. Next to cover design, this past year I’ve spent the most on education. I’m a big fan of online, well-reviewed courses on publishing and marketing your work, since I can complete those courses on my own time and typically get a lot of value for my money. In 2015, I completed a few smaller courses, but the biggest expenditures were on the aforementioned Learn Scrivener Fast, as well as Nick Stephenson’s stellar course, Your First 10K Readers. I’m currently taking Joanna Penn’s Creative Freedom course, which has a series of free videos to introduce you to the topics she covers in the course itself. If you have the resources available to you, I highly recommend taking either Your First 10K Readers or Creative Freedom. Both offer practical, timely tips that have already paid off for me.

Software. I purchased Scrivener this past year, subscribe to DropBox, and I also pay for a monthly subscription to Adobe’s Creative Cloud, which includes PhotoShop, PhotoShop Elements, InDesign, and Illustrator. Creative Cloud comes in at $50 a month, so it’s not cheap, but I use it to design my own promotional materials, website stuff, and continue to use it to format my print books. I highly recommend Scrivener and I love DropBox, but unless you have design experience or really want the headaches inherent in learning Adobe’s innumerable tricks of the trade, I recommend foregoing that particular expense.

Okay… So, now you’ve got the costs involved in publishing your own work. The next, obvious question is: Is it worth it? Financially, does all of this make sense or should you just bite the bullet and try to find a traditional publisher?

Keep in mind, first and foremost, that everyone has different experiences and different results in any endeavor. What I’ve done may not work for you; what you do may not work for me. I can only tell you my own experience…which has been good. Personally, I’ve consistently increased my profit margin each year since first publishing in 2012, and this year I more than doubled my previous annual earning record from a traditional job, from book sales alone.  I’m able to work at my own pace, publish when I please, and I don’t have to panic if a title under-performs, since I know I’m not going to pull the plug on myself for lackluster profits.

Would it be worth it for you? Only you (and time) can answer that question, but to help out you may want to refer back to my post, “Setting Yourself Up for Self-Publishing Success,” to make sure this is really a road you’re prepared to travel. And if there are any questions I haven’t covered, feel free to comment below and I’ll do my best to answer!

 

Treasure Hunting

Dorothy Cannell: Had a wonderful time at Bouchercon in Raleigh, reuniting with people met and enjoyed over the years and getting to know first encounters. I can’t think of anything more bonding than the passion for books.

While in the city with Sir Walter’s statue – with his head on – I went to a wonderful used book store and returned home with a load of out-of-print or hard-to-find titles by authors Ienjoy. Have been wallowing in one after another instead of getting back to work or planning this blog.

So by way of excuse here’s the list:

Doomed to Die, by Dorothy Simpson, featuring Inspector Luke Thanet.

Six Feet Under, by Dorothy Simpson, again featuring Inspector Thanet

Speedy Death, by Gladys Mitchell, from the Mrs. Bradley Series.

Death of a Chimney Sweep, by M.C. Beaton, a Hamish Macbeth Mystery

The Religious Body, by Catherine Aird, the first Inspector C. D. Sloan

mystery.

A Nice Derangement Of Epitaphs, by Ellis Peters, an Inspector George

Felse Mystery.

Latter End, by Patricia Wentworth, a Miss Silver Mystery.

The Blind Side, by Patricia Wentworth, not Miss Silver

The Listening Walls, by Margaret Millar.

I have explained to my husband that such older titles are must reading for

me because my new(ish) series is not set in current time, but he is threateningdivorce if I don’t finish the short story I’m supposed to be working on by this weekend. It promises to be no more than a couple of paragraphs in length.

‘Always a reader first’ is my motto. Also I have a fantasy of someone huntingdown my books in the distant years ahead.

All the best till next time,

Dorothy

 

An Unexpected Surprise

Vaughn Hardacker here: The one of the negatives of living up here in the COUNTY is the lack of bookstores. It has been a couple of years since Mr. Paperback closed both of its county stores, leaving us with Walmart (a limited selection at best), several supermarket displays (even more limited), and several small used bookstores. Being a book-junkie I’m always prowling, looking for a good read.

I was visiting the Caribou Dollar Tree when I noticed that they have a small display of books, hardcover and paperback, and they are all priced $1.00 (Granted some of the offerings aren’t worth much more). I saw THE TRUTH ABOUT THE HARRY QUEBERT AFFAIR by Joel Dicker (an author whom I heretofore had no knowledge) and figured for a buck, why not? I read the fly and learned that the book was a thriller with an author as its protagonist, which immediately caught my interest. The plot line is simple. Marcus Goldman, a young writer, published his first book which became a phenomenal best seller. Obviously, his publisher is anxiously awaiting his next book. So, you might ask what’s the problem? Marcus has a terrible case of writer’s block–or so he thinks. In reality he is scared to death that after his successful first novel his second will be nowhere close to being as good or successful. His solution is to leave New York City and spend some time with his old professor and mentor, Harry Quebert (pronounced Quee-bear) in a small New Hampshire coastal town. While visiting the body of a fifteen year old girl, who has been missing for thirty-three years, is discovered on Harry’s property. Harry is arrested and charged with her murder. The protagonist decides that the best way to save his mentor is to do his own investigation and write a book that will exonerate Harry. What follows is a page turning novel with more twists than a pretzel.

So, I imagine that at this time you’re asking what’s so unusual about this book? Not only is the book an international best-selling thriller, but the author (Joel Dicker, a young Swiss writer) includes a number of lagniappes, written as writing lessons that Harry gave to Marcus Goldman, that are a writing course in itself. When was the last time you read a book that was not only attention holding, but educational at the same time? And I got it for a buck!

A final note: A friend of mine returned from a trip to Scotland and England and handed me a book that he bought in Heathrow Airport. “You got to read this,” he said, “It’s terrific.” The price on the book was £6.99 or $10.82. I turned to my bookcase and handed him a copy of the very same book: THE TRUTH ABOUT THE HARRY QUEBERT AFFAIR. I said, “Caribou Dollar Tree, for a dollar.”

My assessment of the book: Well above average. As a youth, the author, although a Swiss national, spent his summers in Stonington and Bar Harbor, Maine. His geography of the New Hampshire coast is pure fiction, but it seems to work. The book was originally published in France and was translated by Sam Taylor. The irony of the situation is this: Like his protagonist, Marcus Goldman, what will Joel Dicker do to follow up? 

Where Do You Get Your Ideas?

Kaitlyn Dunnett/Kathy Lynn Emerson here. Writers are often asked where their ideas come from. In this case, I actually know.

The starting point for The Scottie Barked at Midnight was the suggestion by a reader that I introduce a Scottish terrier to the Liss MacCrimmon Mysteries. I thought that was a great idea, but figuring out how to do it was a bit tricky. Liss, my amateur detective, already had two cats, and at least one of them didn’t have the kind of personality that would adapt well to sharing the house with a dog. Liss’s husband’s brother already had a dog, a mutt named Papelbon. A fox terrier named Skippy featured in an earlier book, but most of the continuing characters seemed to have no interest in owning pets of any kind.

At the same time, I’d been considering how I might combine my love of Dancing with the Stars with a story set in Moosetookalook, Maine. I’m a big fan of this series. I don’t know why. I dislike most competition shows on television. Ditto reality shows. And my dance background is in ballet and theater choreography, not ballroom. Liss, a professional Scottish dancer, had no experience in this area, either. Then I read Homicide Hustle by Ella Barrick, in which her ballroom-dance-teacher sleuth gets involved in a television competition show called Ballroom with the B-List. It’s a very funny book, as well as a clever mystery. Since the last thing the cozy world needs is more clones, I started looking for an idea that would use the elements I wanted from the dance competition and yet be unique to my series.

That led me to invent Variety, Live!, a competition show that brings together old-time variety acts—jugglers, magicians, dancers, singers, ventriloquists . . . even a dog act. I had a wonderful time dreaming up characters to go with the talents and imagining a plot that would bring the two Scotties that are two-thirds of “Deidre’s Dancing Doggies” into the world of Liss MacCrimmon and her friends. Since this is a mystery, there had to be nefarious doings that led to murder. Nothing is as it seems, not even the “live” part of Variety, Live! And Liss, with her dance background, is in a position to step in when the dancing doggies, Dandy and Dondi, need a new partner.

The Scottie Barked at Midnight goes on sale in one week on October 27, 2015. For those of you in Maine, I’ll be in Waterville with Lea Wait on October 31 and November 1 at the REM Craft Fair, held at 30 Elm Plaza (Champion’s Fitness Center). Apparently writing books is now considered a craft, right along with woodworking, basket weaving, needlepointing, and all the rest. I’m not complaining, mind you, but who knew?

Kathy Lynn Emerson/Kaitlyn Dunnett is the author of over fifty books written under several names. She won the Agatha Award in 2008 for best mystery nonfiction for How to Write Killer Historical Mysteries and was an Agatha Award finalist in 2014 in the best mystery short story category for “The Blessing Witch.” Currently she writes the contemporary Liss MacCrimmon Mysteries (The Scottie Barked at Midnight) as Kaitlyn and the historical Mistress Jaffrey Mysteries as Kathy (Murder in the Merchant’s Hall). The latter series is a spin-off from her earlier “Face Down” series and is set in Elizabethan England. Her websites are www.KaitlynDunnett.com and www.KathyLynnEmerson.com

Unearthing Story While Cleaning My Desk

Kate Flora: This past week, I got stuck in the middle of a writing project. It happens. It

Draft application of Kate M. Burke, storekeeper in Bingham, Maine, to the DAR

wasn’t writer’s block, which you all know I don’t believe in. It was story block. Or organizational block. It’s nonfiction, and trying to figure out where the data goes, where the story goes, and how to connect the two can be a challenge. Frustrated, I decided that perhaps I could create greater clarity of mind if I cleared some of the external clutter, and I decided to clean my desk.

Crazy idea. I’ve been in book jail for so much of the past two years that there is a ton of filing waiting to be attended to. Since I live in book time, and book time means that a day or a week and a year are a lot alike, some of those piles have sat, untouched, for a long time, just waiting for me to get back to them. Well, I finally did get back, and the discoveries began.

There was that file—maybe you have one, too—where things I don’t want to throw away but have no particular place for come to rest. It was in that file that I started to make some fascinating discoveries.

First up? A mock property exam that my study group and I wrote during our first year of law school. Since 1974, this weary sheet of lined paper has traveled with me, with several sets of handwriting as questions were proposed. Reading it reminded me how I never would have made it through law school without this wonderful group of friends. It reminded me of two manuscripts I have buried in the drawer–my “practice mysteries” about a group of law students. Maybe someday I’ll unearth them.

Next? An obscure old brown envelope full of clippings. Inside? Tons of genealogical data from my great aunt Kate, after whom I was named, including drafts of her application to join the DAR, and all the data necessary to apply to the Mayflower Society. Fascinating stuff. I can’t help but wonder about Captain Josiah Parker who fought in the American Revolution. What was he like and where can I learn more?

In the same folder is a Farberware ad that was in the New York Times in 1973. The caption? You keep a man the way you get a man: by having the best possible equipment and knowing how to use it. Along with that? A carbon copy of the letter I wrote to Farberware, expressing how offensive the ad was. In that letter, I vowed never to purchase another Farberware product until they apologized. Needless to say—I have never bought Farberware since. But I am amazed that they could be this offensive in 1973. How far, in some ways, we have come. And how important to remember that not so long ago, the employment ads in the papers were labeled: Help Wanted: Male and Help Wanted: Female.

Then a piece of paper surfaced that reminded me how far I have come—two Peanuts comics, clipped from the paper, and sent by the marvelous writer Marilis Hornidge, during my ten miserable years in the unpublished writer’s corner, about how to deal with rejections.

At the bottom of the pile, something that I have treasured since 1976. A short note from Donald M. Murray, who was a Boston Globe columnist I greatly admired but did not know. The kind of letter that can make a huge difference in a beginning writer’s life. He wrote:

Dear Kate Flora:

After I wrote this column, I was feeling glum one evening and grabbed one mystery off the shelf, started to read and couldn’t care less about the characters and their story, and tossed it; then I chose another and tossed it, then I started Chosen for Death and was lost to my world, caring about your characters and what happened to them.

I have ordered your “fun house mirror” book and will buy anything you write in soft or hardcover.

I read you for story and, as a writer who has published a couple of novels years ago and is working on one now, I read you for craft.

Thank you.

Don Murray

In case you’ve ever wondered whether it is worth it to send a note to a writer you admire? The answer is a resounding yes.

I also found an envelope with $460.00

All in all, I may be behind on my work, but I am very glad I cleaned my desk.

Weekend Update: October 17-18, 2015

Next week at Maine Crime Writers there will be posts by Kate Flora (Monday), Kathy Lynn Emerson/Kaitlyn Dunnett (Tuesday), Vaughn Hardacker (Wednesday), Dorothy Cannell (Thursday) and Jen Blood (Friday).

In the news department, here’s what’s happening with some of us who blog regularly at Maine Crime Writers:

From Kathy Lynn Emerson/Kaitlyn Dunnett: The three winners of advance reading copies of The Scottie Barked at Midnight (in stores in hardcover on October 27) are Lil Guckstern, Monica, and Karen Whalen. Congrats to all and a big thank you to everyone who shared dog and cat stories in their comments.

From Kate Flora: I was browsing and discovered that Death Dealer, my Agatha and Anthony-nominated true crime, is on sale at Amazon at an amazing price. (less than $4.00!) Who knows how long this will last, but if you’re looking for a gift for a true crime lover or a dog lover, you should grab this deal: http://www.amazon.com/Death-Dealer-Cadaver-Brought-Justice/dp/0882824767/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1444942864&sr=8-1&keywords=Death+Dealer+Kate+Flora

Is anyone out there planning to do NaNoWriMo? If so, let us know so we can all cheer you on.

And as you know, we love to do an annual Halloween feature, so stay tuned. This year, John Clark is compiling it, and collecting stories from Maine librarians. It’s bound to be fascinating!

Here’s a composite photo of Kate with her fellow Beat, Slay, Love authors. A formidable crew:

Katy Munger, Taffy Cannon, Gary Phillips, Kate Flora and Lise McClendon

An invitation to readers of this blog: Do you have news relating to Maine, Crime, or Writing? We’d love to hear from you. Just comment below to share.

And a reminder: If your library, school, or organization is looking for a speaker, we are often available to talk about the writing process, research, where we get our ideas, and other mysteries of the business. Contact Kate Flora: mailto: kateflora@gmail.com

10/16/1980

John Clark taking everyone back to October 16, 1980. I didn’t wake up that morning, I came to and finally realized that I couldn’t bullshit myself any longer. My life was a train wreck, when I looked at the future, all I saw was a thick, forbidding wall of fog that I knew hid nothing but horrible creatures and events. Beth was pregnant and looking extremely unhappy that day. Even though I wasn’t able to remember much about the night before, I couldn’t blame her. I didn’t know it yet, but she’d been driven temporarily insane by being married to an extremely unpredictable and unreliable man—Me.

My mother had been struggling with her own recovery from alcoholism for over two years at that point. When she finally listened to her counselor at Choice Skyward in Owls Head, who had been telling her that living with an active alcoholic (my father) and trying to get/stay sober, was pretty much impossible, she told Dad to leave and got a divorce.

My head and gut used to feel like this all the time

Even though I was really paranoid by that point (Mom later told me she’d thought I’d stopped drinking several years before), I realized that something miraculous was happening in her life. On the evening of 10/16/1980, it was my turn to suck it up and find the miracle. Just out of curiosity, I looked up events that happened on that day. Only two of note happened: “Brigadoon” opened at the Majestic Theater NYC for 133 performances and China performed a nuclear test at Lop Nor, PRC. I certainly felt like someone had detonated a weapon of mass destruction in my gut when I drove from Chelsea to the St. Paul’s Center in Augusta that evening where I knew from reading the local newspaper there was an AA meeting.

After walking into the building, I immediately went into ‘guy’ mode and did not ask the lady at the desk where the meeting was. Instead, I followed a crowd downstairs and took a seat in a long crowded room. The more I looked around, the bigger the knot in my stomach got. There was this little hunchback with an oxygen tank who kept giggling and laughing. Behind him sat three elderly women with enough bling and make-up to keep the entire Dallas Cowboy’s Cheering Squad happy and opposite them was this great big guy wearing a ton of turquoise whose face looked like someone had used it as an ATV race course. (All of them became my trusted AA friends not long after) In all it was a very scary crew and it didn’t take me long to realize that this sure wasn’t the AA meeting. Even so, I was desperate enough to sit and listen. By doing so, I discovered I’d ended up at the annual feedback meeting of the Kennebec-Somerset Council on Alcohol Prevention and Treatment. When it was over, I hurried out and went home.

Happy that those creepy feelings are mostly in the past.

However, as I’ve heard time and time again at meetings, when you’re ready, nothing can stop you from going to meetings and if you’re not, then nothing anyone can say or do will keep you coming back. A week later, I hadn’t had anything to drink and I went back to St. Paul’s. This time, the first person I saw was a woman I knew well and trusted. She gave me a hug, told me she was glad to see me and ushered me into a beginner’s meeting in a small back room. I don’t remember what was said, but I do know who sat on either side of me and when it was time for the chip club, they told me to get up and go pick up a white chip. I did so, and the miracle began.

It continues to this day, 35 years later. Next Tuesday, I celebrate at the Canaan Bog Group, my new home group since the meeting here in Hartland folded. I did a bit of research in preparation for my celebration. More than 2,825,445,385 have been born since I got sober. In 2012, 3.3 million deaths were attributable to alcohol consumption on our planet and every day in America, another 28 people die as a result of drunk driving crashes. We’ve buried three family members, two of whom died in part because of this disease. Mom celebrated 28 years of sobriety and died sober. One reason her death hit me harder than any other was because we had the extra bond of recovery and I still miss being able to drop in at Sennebec Hill Farm and have a mini-meeting with her. During the time we were both going to meetings, we chaired each others’ anniversaries and one of the best things that happened to me occurred at her first one. It was in Belfast in March and she was so pumped that she forgot to tell me that I was going to be one of the three speakers. I was 5 months sober at the time and when they announced me as a speaker, I was scared witless. I looked around and there were a hundred people there including two of my high school teachers, the family plumber and his wife, Beth and my younger sister, Sara. I didn’t have time to do anything but be honest. When I spilled my guts and nobody got upset or disgusted, I realized that what I’d been hearing at meeting after meeting was true. People who were serious about sobriety, identify with what happened to you, they don’t compare.

Getting and staying sober isn’t easy and I sure as hell haven’t done everything right. I still have resentments and character defects, I can still feel sorry for myself and hate admitting when I’m wrong, but I consider myself really lucky because over the years, I’ve seen more people fail than succeed at getting and staying sober. Mystery writer Lawrence Block has some great recovery bits in his book Eight Million Ways To Die. His protagonist, Matt Scudder is struggling to get sober after a relapse and is at a meeting. One person starts speaking and says, “I came into this program to save my ass. Who knew my soul was attached to it.” A little bit later, an old woman speaks up while looking at Scudder. “Getting sober is easy. All you have to do is don’t drink, go to meetings and change your whole F&%$ing life.” Block and James Lee Burke write recovery better than anyone else I’ve read, for very good reasons.

Perhaps the greatest gift I’ve received is that neither of my daughters have ever seen me drunk…Crazy, for sure, but never under the influence. Now I have the best birthday present ever in Piper, my granddaughter and I hope years from now I can still say the same is true for her.

No comment needed

In the beginning, I heard much made about the word TIME. I was told among other things that it stood for This I Must Endure or This I Must Earn. Now it has different meanings including Today Is Much Easier and This I May Enjoy. Thirty-five years…Whoda thunk it?

If you know someone who is struggling with addiction, please share this with them. No one needs to suffer if they’re willing to change.

THE BIRDS – AN EERIE TALE

Susan Vaughan here with an eerie tale although early for Halloween. Decades ago (I won’t say how many), I was a graduate student at Rice University in Houston, Texas. A short walk from my apartment complex took me daily to the lovely campus with its unique architecture and tree-lined paths. Although Alfred Hitchcock’s thriller The Birds had been released several years earlier, in 1963, I watched it this particular fall with friends at a theater that showed older movies. So the movie plot was fresh in my mind when later eerie events unfolded.

But first, a little background. “The Birds,” was published in 1952 in British author Daphne du Maurier’s collection The Apple Tree in 1952, and the book was reissued the same year the film was released.

Her story was the inspiration for the Hitchcock film. “The Birds” is set in du Maurier’s native Cornwall shortly after the end of World War II. A farm hand notices larger than usual flocks of seagulls wheeling over the plowed fields. During the night mixed flocks of birds attack his house, breaking windows and frightening the children. As the story progresses, massive flights of birds attack larger and larger areas, and a national emergency is declared. Her reference to the “east wind” was a warning of the coming Communist threat and the Cold War that might put Great Britain under attack again. When I read this story a few years ago, I took away a different warning than the one she intended. My conclusion was a more ecological one, that if we don’t take care of our world, it will attack us.

But I digress. Back to Hitchcock and The Birds. In August 1961, seabirds died en masse on the rooftops and streets of a small California town. The cause appeared to be shellfish poisoning. It was apparently this event that led Hitchcock to develop a more elaborate plot for his film, but one that kept du Maurier’s title and concept of unexplained bird attacks.

The Birds focuses on sudden bird attacks on the people of a small California town over the course of a few days. The movie was Tippi Hedren’s debut, and also featured Rod Taylor and Jessica Tandy, among others. I vividly recall the scene where Tippi’s character watches in horror as birds cause a gas station fire and a horrific death. Today’s special effects with CGI that make the unreal so real are a far cry from the primitive ones in The Birds, but back then, the creepy birds terrified me. Hitchcock offers no explanation or even a theory for the birds’ bizarre and diabolical behavior, but I wonder if he’d leave that question hanging today.

What does this have to do with me and the campus of Rice University? Remember, I’d watched the movie recently so it was fresh in my mind as I walked to classes on a cool fall morning. Cool for Houston, probably in the low 80’s.

Under the trees, on the paths, almost everywhere lay dead and dying birds. Robins, starlings, others I didn’t recognize. Students gasped and exclaimed and giggled nervously and made awkward jokes. A crow dropped out of a tree in front of me. Your heart can leap into your throat, believe me. All I could think of was that we were in the middle of The Birds, and although these specimens were dead, others could attack—soon! Yes, eerie. Of course that didn’t happen.

I learned later what had likely caused the deaths. Dozens of migratory bird species stop in and around Houston every fall to rest, many of them roosting in trees at Rice. This particular fall, parasites were attacking the trees, so the groundskeepers, not considering the migrating birds, had sprayed the foliage. Thus the sudden deaths. The spraying was halted immediately, and rains mitigated the danger to the next arriving flocks.

I still think my takeaway from Daphne du Maurier’s story about the coming threat might be appropriate.

**** New release! My romantic suspense novel Always a Suspect, a prequel to the Task Force Eagle trilogy, is only 99 cents for a short time.

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