Ina Disguise's Blog: New blog, page 54

Big Fat Kaffir Whore

 

Only a few days ago it seems,

I was a lovely lady,

Bereaved of my mother,

Honorable, sweet, kind

Young for my age,

Imaginative, intelligent, positive

Looking forward to the future

The future without more pain

Careful about what I ate,

Careful about what I wore

But now it turns out

I’m just a

Big Fat Kaffir Whore!

 

See where I went with this Wolfe?  LOL

The post Big Fat Kaffir Whore appeared first on Blogging Ina Disguise.

Why does it keep happening?

So, bit of self-evaluation here.  Why does it keep happening?

The employer have already seen the post from a few hours ago, so the mechanism of firing me is likely to already be underway.  Well done that man!

In the last job, as detailed, I did my job unusually well, but avoided speaking to the other staff as it transpired very quickly that I was a very different kind of person from them.  I showed them an artwork and it was met with such horror that I gave up trying.  The thug team leader in that situation simply milked me for information about a potential banking career and then awaited something that I would object to about company culture, which turned out to be my being forced to speak to other people about corporate videos that had a heavily political slant the company were unaware of. (see posts on fascism)

The email he used to get me fired said “if I was your employer, I would not force you to read Das Kapital and the works of Emile Durkheim and tell me how much you liked it in order to proceed in your job.”  According to fascist America, this is ‘unprofessional language.’

In this job, I sent a thoughtful, informative email stating that I had been inappropriate, expressing my apologies but not withdrawing the initial statement ‘your seriousness is astonishingly beautiful’ simply because the titanic dickhead appeared to be so pleased about it.  Otherwise it contained several reasons for not wishing to either continue communicating or showing any signs of connection at all, including this website.  I could not have been any nicer or more flexible in terms of communication.

Apparently the correct course of action was to be a big fat slapper and maintain some sort of coarse flirtation.  I am not really interested in stuff like that.  If something nice happens, especially when my mother has just been killed, I am likely to celebrate.  Unlike the person trying to get me fired, I actually am a serious person.  Wolfe would very quickly tell you that, never mind anyone else.

In the past, I have had people trying to get me fired because I am ‘not married, like the rest of the women,’  because I am ‘a bit funny,’  because I work too hard, (I kid you not) and because I have ‘too much experience.’

Basically, it seems that the workplace wants Machiavellian assholes, and anybody who is either honest, original or real is really not of this world.  If you are not dull, stupid, selfish and prepared to stab other people in the back to get whatever arbitrary advantage you can get from it, you are not with the herd and not at all useful.

So far in the current job, I have had had cause to cry every time I finished a shift.  Without fail, something unpleasant has happened with the exception of last Sunday, when I cried because I was very tired and despite being on a bit of a roll for once, had to go home.     I am not particularly good at it yet, but it is a kind of relief to have something to focus on other than worry.

The other day, I was in the supermarket buying sugarsnap peas, and I was accused of doing something anti-social by the checkout assistant.  This is how narrow people are.  Even eating a sugarsnap pea is to be held up for criticism. I always wonder whether I now wear a big badge saying ‘kick me.’ I have a friend with a similarly bullying family, and despite being enormously talented, he has had much the same life experience in terms of stupid people taking pot-shots at him and causing him problems.

I do not think it is helpful to dwell on it, and simply move on every time, however you do wonder how long it will be before you run out of places to run.

This last person appeared to be bright, very interested in me, charming and very secure in his role.  It turns out that I was as usual wrong, and he was just the same as everyone else who did much the same thing.  I am sure he will be much happier once they fire me for whatever reason they come up with on Saturday.  I doubt they will leave it until next Wednesday as it will cost them more.

It’s very sad, and it means I have to spend today trying to secure an income for the cats and myself.

It is extremely tiresome being me.  I cannot get around it by avoiding speaking to people, and I cannot get around it by making friends.  I am obviously a freak, but even freaks need to make a living.

 

 

The post Why does it keep happening? appeared first on Blogging Ina Disguise.

Well that was short

Ok in keeping with the rest of my life, it turns out the dude is a titanic dickhead that betrayed my confidence the first chance he got.  He is probably getting me fired as I write this to avoid feeling ‘uncomfortable.’

The fact that this has made me uncomfortable of course does not matter, as these people are all far more important and worthwhile than I am.  My embarrassment is not significant, my feelings are not important and anything that is done to me is fair enough.

This is normal, and is the reason I was in the state I was in when I first met Wolfe, so no changes there then.

I am beyond caring why he was flirtatious to my face and passing information on to his bosses behind my back.  Probably married, but it’s none of my business. I’m more worried about how I am going to survive as this is obviously never going to stop happening.

I told his bosses what an outstanding manager he is – he really is – and politely asked him not to speak to me again.  I don’t think I can manage to be more civilised than that.

You can see why I don’t like people very much, can’t you?

The post Well that was short appeared first on Blogging Ina Disguise.

Ah the feels

Yeah, Ewan, but you really need to eat more vegetables for that problem.

Seriously, I woke up this morning – and morning is rather unfortunate today – rather low and this was in my email.  I take it the fictional Ewan doesn’t approve of cosying up to Trump by squandering defence expenditure on Iran either.

The project is delayed by a car issue which is taking rather a long time to fix.  I also need more hours, and am scratching around for additional work at the moment due to my long term mistrust of the job market.

I have been rather scattered, of late, by my surprisingly stressful job.  I got some advice from one of my colleagues, and apparently I am looking at it in a less superficial way than is required.  Heavy on the detail, light on the content, apparently.  I will see if this makes a difference.

In any case, I always have a few irons in the fire and put a great deal of time into making sure there is a stream of work, which leads to a lot of very strange job applications.  I hope I won’t have to, as I rather like the idea of getting good at this.  Intense geekery is always fun.

Losing weight again, but not impressed by the mirror at the moment – I will still be in the ugly phase for another 30lb or so.  I am wondering whether fasting is a good idea to get past this bit.

I had a surprisingly vehement reaction to my friend’s comments on the recent male related events last night.  I seem to be holding this as a precious moment.  Precious moments are very important to you, once you are faced with the shortness of your life I guess.  I’m sorry I got quite so instantly annoyed about it, though.

Also wondering about the implications for the Sheep in Wolf’s clothing project.  It is important to make these evaluations.  It seems just now as if I am sufficiently bonded for the project not to be affected at all, which is amazing.  Creatively, I also have to factor in threats to the project and the flow.  I think ultimately it depends on the person concerned.

I am certainly irritated with the Boris developments, but that was taken into account before I started it, so I will focus on writing until the situation becomes clearer.  At least I have some idea who the funding backers are after the Iran events.  It also seems clear that Boris will be no better than Theresa May for selling us out to America. It will make the performance better, but I am not sure how many complications we really need.

So, as we draw the thoughtful end of the week to a close, money, love and avoiding stress seem to be the priorities for a happy life this week.

The post Ah the feels appeared first on Blogging Ina Disguise.

Let us unite by bashing Iran?

Seriously, not a good plan to try to bond with Trump by Iran bashing, either from my perspective or the perspective of foreign policy.

Most unfortunate set of headlines this morning.

This has been a bad day so far, all things considered.

Cannot help my colleagues at work, due to stupid rules.

Incompetence actually woke me up this morning, as my brother again attempted to somehow blame me for his inability to manage his mother’s finances for all of six months several years ago.  He seems to think that his lack of ability to insure the house is somehow my fault, even though I had to clean up his mess.

I am tired of stupid people, and I do not see why bashing Iran is a good idea.

I just wanted my colleagues to be OK.

 

The post Let us unite by bashing Iran? appeared first on Blogging Ina Disguise.

New rules on the blog

To protect the innocent, I will sadly be unable to update you on any emotional things offline.  This is to enable the blog to be publicised more widely, and to prevent my having to rush home to remove posts, as I did the other day.,

This is a little sad, because I cannot tell you how much I would like to bore on about it, but I guess it saves me having to admit defeat later.

It is a bit kind of rock and a hard place.  Either I will be miserable, or my career as a failed romantic will be a bit shorter than anticipated.  What an odd idea?

 

 

 

 

The post New rules on the blog appeared first on Blogging Ina Disguise.

The Art of Good Management

Since I had a break and returned to the workplace, I have observed many changes in myself and others.

As I have previously mentioned, I am a lot more aware of my effect on the room than I used to be.  At the moment the pressure is very much off in this respect, so I see my role as being one of entertainment and provoking thought.

As I am in a large room full of 30 and 40 somethings, I cannot help but observe the poor shape people are in.  To put this in perspective, I am not at all thin, but my body has returned to working properly thanks to my supermix based diet, and the difference is quite plain to see.  I am probably one of the physically younger people in that room, yet chronologically one of the older staff members. I bounce in after a 5k every morning, and I see a whole lot of shuffling from far younger people.

There is no point in trying to explain to people why this is, as they seem to be obsessed with stamping out differences.  On the first week or so of being on this particular ‘shopfloor’  I was told that I was being effectively bullied by two staff members, who could not be named but who were saying very unpleasant things about me because I do not look like them.  This has been an ongoing theme throughout my life so I am used to it, but in this case it is basically because I am a lot healthier than I ‘should be.’  After the last few months, when I was being pestered by NHS nurses who insisted that they had better knowledge because of their ‘professional’ status, I am naturally very skeptical of this.

The reason I do not look like them is because I am in hormonally better shape.  Whilst this means I do very odd things now and again, I am happier, less concerned about what other people think, and probably sparklier generally.  You do not appreciate the slow decay of your attempts to conform until you have had a chance to completely avoid them.  I am extremely fortunate that I was assisted in staying away from the rest of the world by my mother.

The other reason this workplace is interesting is because of three markedly different management styles.  We have one team working with a rather shaky and fragile ego, who look miserable all the time, one team working with a lady who sees herself as more of an administrator, and one team which I think we should look at in more depth, because it is the best run team I have ever seen, bar none.

As someone who has managed in a great number of situations and tried a variety of styles, I have settled on a noisy family approach, where people communicate constantly on the grounds that if they do this, we can eradicate problems very quickly.  It also makes for highly productive, happy people who actually want to come into work.  I see management as a steady beam of love, in which you can flourish.  It also hugely reduces staff turnover, as you can imagine, although I am probably a bit of a soft touch.

The dude running this last team, however, blows me out of the water.  His team is so well run that all he has to do is give you a dirty look and you immediately make strenuous efforts to improve.  His managerial ‘beam of love’ is more along the lines of being held in a safe and very serious space where you are expected not to disappoint.  In addition, I note that more responsible staff members are encouraged to take on parts of his role so that he can put more into it, to the point that the functionality of the team is vastly better.

Sadly, I am an observer of this from another team, however from the perspective of evaluating management, I am finding this fascinating.  Positive self-image is paramount to management, and freeing up your time to strategise for improvement.

What saddens me the most about the last few months, however, is how few entrepreneurs and managers put this level of thought into the management function.  It ought to be something you put your heart and soul into, not an excuse to impose yourself on other people or manipulate them.

From the perspective of someone who is grieving – my mother was murdered during my last employment, and I still had to tolerate the randy lesbian and thug – people’s motivations become horribly obvious.  Envy, insecurity and self-hatred are on the increase, simply because it sells more products.  I feel very sad for the younger generations, who have been fed vastly more negative information than mine.  It is to the point that I am more determined than ever that whether Wolfe likes it or not, we really need to help these people and I am not sure who else can do it.

We have a lot of work to do.

The post The Art of Good Management appeared first on Blogging Ina Disguise.

Creating the illusion of being an adult

Ok so on the off-chance that my ship has finally come in, and the charming man might actually be invited back here at some point, I engaged one of the exs in converting my house from workshop to adult residence, which was a remarkably big job.

To explain, when you are brought up with oodles of space, and the other inhabitants gradually leave or need less room, you grow into it, to the point that I now fill this house.  Every room has work going on.

The room that I slept in as a small child now has my wool collection, the Toby Jugs for Boris, Wolfish, which is a long but flashy piece of demonstration work for Wolfe, some cameos, and a lifecycle piece in it, all of which are awaiting my attention.

My bedroom, where much of the work actually gets done, especially during the winter, usually has several pieces of almost finished work in it until they go up to the attic, where all the finished work lives unless it is, like Jemima Khan and Bordello Rhetoric, too heavy to carry. Bordello Rhetoric will be going to Boris eventually, so it is in the lounge.

I have two studios, one for dirty processes, one for clean, in use.  The dining room is usually one big medicine cabinet of herbs and superfoods, and the kitchen is a marvel of raw food technology.  I now do a lot of small scale work in the living room adjoining it, as it is the warmest room in the house, and it also serves as a guest room when one of the exs stops by.  They share it with Boris, who needs heat and affection. I like to look after people in my grumpy and offhand way.

The spare bedroom is home to the bank of computers for making computer games and any work from home that I dredge up.

So that leaves one beautiful room that I keep for guests, or the cats, who feel they deserve the best room in the house and probably do.

Iain Duncan Smith is in the tack room, which is the clean process studio, awaiting my close attention when I have finished this post.  That’s where much of the magic happens, and my fairly vast collection of collected materials also live there.  I am pretty high maintenance in terms of space required for working.

So, now that there is a small possibility of inviting a fellow adult who does not already know all this back here, I have to pretend to be human.  This is a lot of exhausting work, and involves a lot of moving stuff.

Did a lot of clearance after mum died, but will be doing some more as time goes on.  There are a couple of items which could go to the scum family, but my mother did not really want them to have them, so I will have to consider this.  I am only slightly more forgiving then she was, and she was quite right. I miss her and her sarcastic yet perfect poops.

 

The post Creating the illusion of being an adult appeared first on Blogging Ina Disguise.

First day out as Ina

Well that was interesting.  Spent my first day out as Ina whilst we were filming.  She seems to cut a fairly compelling figure.

She isn’t particularly sexy for this project, although my weight loss has mysteriously started anew.  I assume it is something to do with water consumption.

Some wind issues with the gameplan.  I had not realised my gardens were so sheltered. There is a significant difference between keeping the flags moving and dealing with actual wind, so there will have to be some tweaks.  I look forward to seeing what it actually looks like once the edits are finished.

We should be out and about again tomorrow, hopefully with Boris and a few outfits for his intro.

I was asked how I am feeling at the moment.  The answer is very happy in my skin, which apparently makes me considerably more attractive.  Not sure why this is, as I am still only slightly smaller than I was in October.  Blocking out any remaining fear and negativity after the last few months of my mother’s life, when I was constantly being pestered by NHS staff who apparently suffered from bloodlust and disdain for palliative care.

The sooner we open a debate about the legitimacy of having NHS staff making decisions for you and your family members the better.  We shall deal with that after the most pressing issue, which is of course Boris.

I think we will get into more serious workflow next week once the car is repaired.  This week we are ensuring that we know what the camera can do, figuring out the difficulties of location shooting and any glitches with the costumes and flags so far.

Once we have all this sorted out, and a decent PA and banners we will take it on the road.  I also need a spare Boris, as we need a minimum of three on tour.

Looking forward to getting into more of a routine. In the meantime, doing a little background paperwork.

Much love,

 

Ina

The post First day out as Ina appeared first on Blogging Ina Disguise.

Even more complicated introspection

I am sure this will amuse Wolfe, so please do enjoy.

I had some dark moments today whilst contemplating the recent developments.  I became aware of physically missing somebody, and did not like it at all.  This was for no rational reason, since I am not actually in a relationship.  Our beautiful and until now very civilised pavanne developed somewhat, when it became apparent that I lack any rational self-control of my reactions within about four feet of this person.

This is seriously weird.  I have never been in a serious relationship, nor any particularly lusty ones as I am usually very close friends with anyone who gets near enough to touch me, and I am on entirely new ground with this series of sensations.

Therefore, I wondered, am I capable of such a relationship? Am I safe to roll with it, since I do not know the outcome?

Then there is the matter of explaining Ina to him.  I am somewhat concerned about that, since I myself hated the notion of fame until I had thought about the Wolfe issue for at least two or three years – there was a lot to think about.

I then went into a negativity spiral for about an hour – it is very easy to do this when doing this job as it is quite intense.

This is a serious, beautiful and very kind person, and I have no idea what to do with any of that.  This upsets me.  The bitter thinking of a normal person upsets me.  The idea of upsetting him upsets me.

I don’t really understand any of this, or why life is so complicated at the moment, but I guess life is strange and kind of poetic.

Filming starts tomorrow.

Ina

The post Even more complicated introspection appeared first on Blogging Ina Disguise.