B.R. Myers's Blog, page 11
May 3, 2015
How to Write Like Jane Austen
austenprose.wordpress.comFew authors have been endeared to so many generations of devoted followers. Even centuries after she was first published, Jane Austen still casts a spell over readers.
What is it that ensnares our fascination with her characters? And more importantly how can we copy tap into that mysterious formula of book sales success?
Ahem. Here are ten easy steps to writing the perfect Jane Austen novel.
#1. Your plucky heroine must be known for her determined spirit, however, she's also quite handsome which no one seems to mention.
fanpop.com#2. When the protagonist meets her love interest, they will formally address each other even though one is clearly smitten, but keeps their devotion a secret.
#3. An unsavory family member proves to be a reoccurring source of annoyance and conflict.
#4. Through a happy coincidence the heroine and her love interest will keep bumping into each other in social situations that force them to be civil to each other, slowly the feelings of attraction become mutual.
#5. A walk down the garden path leads to a feisty confrontation with the antagonist or an unexpected pledge of devotion from above mentioned love interest.
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bbc.com#6. At the moment when true love seems unstoppable, a family tragedy occurs preventing the couple from pursuing any future plans.
#7. Time goes by and it rains a lot.
#8. When all seems lost, the heroine finds herself either dripping in mud from a fall in the garden path or soaked from a rain storm when her love interest happens by. Awkwardness ensues and no one proclaims their true affection.
#9. When the family tragedy from #5 is miraculously settled with a three page letter delivered in the night via post by horseback, your heroine remembers her life will still be miserable because her love interest saw her covered in mud or soaked to the skin.
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fanpop.com#10. A second confrontation in the garden path with the antagonist reminds your heroine that she is devoted to her happiness, and when the love interest shows up one last time, she seizes the moment to declare her feelings and true love prevails.
The End.
Awesome, now go write your own Jane Austen novel and soon Hollywood will come calling.
janeaustenquotables.com
April 23, 2015
The First Time I Touched 'IT'
The first time I touched a penis I was eighteen. There were three of us in the room, two standing and one lying down.
I remember shaking and thinking, "This is it. I'm going to see a real naked penis." I was terrified, but I felt I was on the cusp of a monumental shift in my life, as if I was passing over a tangible line in the sand.
A defining moment indeed. Everything that had happened to me up to that moment would be forever knows as BP; before penis.
Back when I was a teenager, if you wanted a sneak peek at the mysteries of the opposite sex, you had to rely on National Geographic or the Encyclopedia Britannica for a glimpse at nudity. I still remember the first volume—A for anatomy—had these cool transparent overlapping pages detailing the multiple layers of veins, organs, and then finally the skin.
Ew. Penises were ugly. And don't even get me started on the hair. The shock of that picture was enough to make me take down my Duran Duran poster—after all, that would make five dangling, hairy penises staring at me from the bedroom wall.
pinterest.com
Fast forward a few years and I find myself only a fraction of a body width away from a real one. There was no turning back, I would have to touch it...I knew that much.
Some people enter the pool by diving in and some take the stairs, inching themselves into the water, trying to convince their bodies to keep going deeper. For me, touching the penis was going to have to be tackled with the jumping-in-before-I-chickened-out technique.
I wrapped my hand around the spongy protrusion and waited. And waited.
Is this it? I wondered. Is this rubbery thing what all the love songs are about..? Is this what I'll be married to one day?!
"Hold it taut," she said. Her voice was soft, but commanding. "Now gently insert the catheter, taking care once you reach the hub of the bladder." There was a pause. The nursing instructor leaned closer to the head of the hospital bed. She raised her voice and asked, "Are you all right Mr. Kline?"
The grey haired man lying on the bed nodded that he was all right, despite the fact a shaking student nurse was sweating under her gloves and querying the meaning of life while performing his catheterization.
Poor Mr. Kline—that wasn't his real name—I doubt his seventy-five-year-old penis found the moment as epiphanous as I did.
Once his bladder had been accessed and drained (actual medical terminology on my skills check off list) and the task was completed, my shift came to an end. I marched back to residence in my white, soft soled shoes a little taller. I'd seen a penis, even touched one—heck mauled might be a better word.
And I survived.
I had solved one of the great mysteries that had hung over my head since those days of flipping through the encyclopedia. There was an immediate essence of superiority and wisdom within my conscious, but there was also an underlying cunning, like I was harbouring a fantastic secret.
The world seemed a little less scarier or maybe I was a bit more brave.
That night, I decided to do something that terrified me even more than touching a penis. I walked into the local pharmacy, picked up a box of tampons and got in the checkout line that had a male cashier. I even made eye contact with him when I handed over my money.
I was invincible. Hear me roar.
Rest in peace, Mr. Kline. I hope you had many happy years after our brief encounter. Thanks for the memories.
Congratulations! You made it to the end of this post. Please enjoy Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman"
I remember shaking and thinking, "This is it. I'm going to see a real naked penis." I was terrified, but I felt I was on the cusp of a monumental shift in my life, as if I was passing over a tangible line in the sand.
A defining moment indeed. Everything that had happened to me up to that moment would be forever knows as BP; before penis.
Back when I was a teenager, if you wanted a sneak peek at the mysteries of the opposite sex, you had to rely on National Geographic or the Encyclopedia Britannica for a glimpse at nudity. I still remember the first volume—A for anatomy—had these cool transparent overlapping pages detailing the multiple layers of veins, organs, and then finally the skin.
Ew. Penises were ugly. And don't even get me started on the hair. The shock of that picture was enough to make me take down my Duran Duran poster—after all, that would make five dangling, hairy penises staring at me from the bedroom wall.
.png)
pinterest.comFast forward a few years and I find myself only a fraction of a body width away from a real one. There was no turning back, I would have to touch it...I knew that much.
Some people enter the pool by diving in and some take the stairs, inching themselves into the water, trying to convince their bodies to keep going deeper. For me, touching the penis was going to have to be tackled with the jumping-in-before-I-chickened-out technique.
I wrapped my hand around the spongy protrusion and waited. And waited.
Is this it? I wondered. Is this rubbery thing what all the love songs are about..? Is this what I'll be married to one day?!
"Hold it taut," she said. Her voice was soft, but commanding. "Now gently insert the catheter, taking care once you reach the hub of the bladder." There was a pause. The nursing instructor leaned closer to the head of the hospital bed. She raised her voice and asked, "Are you all right Mr. Kline?"
The grey haired man lying on the bed nodded that he was all right, despite the fact a shaking student nurse was sweating under her gloves and querying the meaning of life while performing his catheterization.
Poor Mr. Kline—that wasn't his real name—I doubt his seventy-five-year-old penis found the moment as epiphanous as I did.
Once his bladder had been accessed and drained (actual medical terminology on my skills check off list) and the task was completed, my shift came to an end. I marched back to residence in my white, soft soled shoes a little taller. I'd seen a penis, even touched one—heck mauled might be a better word.
And I survived.
I had solved one of the great mysteries that had hung over my head since those days of flipping through the encyclopedia. There was an immediate essence of superiority and wisdom within my conscious, but there was also an underlying cunning, like I was harbouring a fantastic secret.
The world seemed a little less scarier or maybe I was a bit more brave.
That night, I decided to do something that terrified me even more than touching a penis. I walked into the local pharmacy, picked up a box of tampons and got in the checkout line that had a male cashier. I even made eye contact with him when I handed over my money.
I was invincible. Hear me roar.
Rest in peace, Mr. Kline. I hope you had many happy years after our brief encounter. Thanks for the memories.
Congratulations! You made it to the end of this post. Please enjoy Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman"
April 16, 2015
Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 18 "Heart of Gold"
Or Better title "My Head Hurts!"
Race For The Author
The Author escapes to the forest with Emma and her parents hot on his heels.
Mary Margaret and David tell Emma that The Author was once the peddler who tricked them and (through their line of ridiculous rationalization) caused Malificient to lose her baby.
Emma is like, "Um, no. You're the ones who poured pure evil into a baby's soul and then tossed it down a hell hole."
abc.com
abc.com
The Author is soon found by Mr. Gold who tells him that a magic quill can only be made from enchanted trees—which he'll never find in Storybrooke.
"You're a big pain in the ass," The Author says.
*Clap*
"Whatever," Mr. Gold replies. "I've got a magic quill and you're going to write me a whole bunch of new endings."
abc.com
abc.com
abc.com
The Author agrees because being caught by Emma and her parents is more dangerous than going along with the Dark One.
What? Why do people keep doing whatever he asks?
Regina wakes up in magical handcuffs! Mr. Gold lets her know he's got The Author on his team. When Regina refuses to join, he asks her to call Robin and see how he and Marion are doing. When Regina calls...
Flashback #1
What have Robin Hood and Marion and their little son been up to? Well, like every magical character, they head to Manhattan. Apparently, Regina gave him the keys to Neal's apartment because I'm sure after a year of being vacant with no one paying rent, it's still available.
abc.com
Once they get settled, the newly banished Mr. Gold arrives. Unsure why they're squatting his late son's apartment. Mr. Gold tells them to bugger off, then he collapses to the floor.
abc.com
Robin visits Mr. Gold in the hospital where he's dying from a poisoned heart, or as we call it, myocardial infarct. Mr. Gold also tells him that even though they're in a non-magical world, they can use magical items if they're brought from a magical place. He needs a heart healing potion!
Um...no, no, NO! That's breaking the rules!
Marion had to leave Storybrooke because Regina's magic wasn't strong enough to break the frozen curse and the only way she could survive is if they went to a non-magical land.
My head hurts.
Did you know that Selena had a correspondent set up in an abandoned New York boutique to keep an eye on Henry and Emma?
Robin searches the dusty store and quickly locates a fancy green drawer. There's no lock. He finds a bottle shaped like a heart full of red liquid.
I guess that's it.
Marion is upset when Robin returns with a potion to save Mr. Gold. She says, "Why don't you just let him die."
Come on, Marion. Kill the Dark One? Why on earth would we want to get rid of the evil guy who everyone hates, yet all do his bidding for ridiculous reasons?
Robin brings the potion to Mr. Gold and makes him promise to let him have Neal's apartment. Mr. Gold agrees and takes a sip. But guess what? It's not the real elixir.
Marion arrives with the real bottle of elixir, touches her green pendant and reveals that she's actually Selena.
*Head explodes*
Quick explanation...
After Mr. Gold stabbed her in the jailhouse, Selena's soul went traveling back through the barn floor to the enchanted forest. She floated around until she saw that Emma was going to bring Marion back to Storybrooke. She entered Marion's body, killed her, and then used her pendant to cast a concealment charm.
How can she kill Marion if that's the body she's occupying?
My head hurts!
abc.com
Selena does a lot of close talking. She toys with Mr. Gold's respirator while telling him her diabolical plan to ensure The Author gives her a happy ending. In exchange, she'll give him the real elixir.
I have to say, Selena does a smashing awesome sneering monologue.
Mr. Gold leaves the hospital and Robin is there with a box of Neal's belongings. Mr. Gold says it only brings him unhappiness as a reminder of how much he's lost. Then he tells Robin to follow his heart to find his own happiness.
*Cough* leave Marion *cough*
Flashback #2
Now we're back to when Marion and Robin own a pub. One of his Merry Men try to convince him to go back to his ways of stealing to defy the evil Sheriff of Nottingham.
Did someone say Sheriff?
Ah, good times...good times.
Anyway, the other Sheriff threatens to shut down the pub if they don't pay their taxes, he also acts like a scum bag to Marion. After closing, Rumplestiltskin shows up asking for Robin Hood's thieving expertise. In exchange for gold, he asks him to visit another realm to steal the elixir of the wounded heart.
As per previous episodes, you can only move between realms by...
#1. Magic Bean
#2. Mermaids
#3. Spells (but only certain spells at certain times)
#4. Ursula's tentacles
Robin enters the realm of OZ through a magical mirror.
*Adds magical mirror to list*
He sees Will and the two chit chat about potions that can mend broken hearts. And blah, blah, blah because I'm hardly invested in these two characters so just get on with it.
Dressed as a flying monkey guard, Robin easily sneaks into the wicked witch's castle and steals some elixir. Selena soon emerges and breaks into three witches to fool him. He shoots an arrow, causes vapors, then escapes.
abc.com
Back at the pub, the Sheriff of Nottingham returns to claim taxes, but the Merry Men prevent him and Robin gives the gold coins to the peasants. "My thieving can be put to good use," he tells Marion. "When you steal for yourself, that makes you a thief, but when you steal for someone else, that makes you a hero."
Sounds like something Mary Margaret and David would agree with.
Flash forward
abc.com
When Regina calls Robin's phone, Selena answers. "Hello, sis."
Regina says, "I don't understand."
Take a number, babe.
When Selena hangs up, Mr. Gold tells Regina that even though Selena killed his son, he's working with her now. Unless Regina helps him turn Emma's heart dark, Robin is a dead man.
Who will Regina chose to save, Robin or Emma?
Check out all my other Once Upon A Time recaps here!
Race For The Author
The Author escapes to the forest with Emma and her parents hot on his heels.
Mary Margaret and David tell Emma that The Author was once the peddler who tricked them and (through their line of ridiculous rationalization) caused Malificient to lose her baby.
Emma is like, "Um, no. You're the ones who poured pure evil into a baby's soul and then tossed it down a hell hole."
abc.com
abc.comThe Author is soon found by Mr. Gold who tells him that a magic quill can only be made from enchanted trees—which he'll never find in Storybrooke.
"You're a big pain in the ass," The Author says.
*Clap*
"Whatever," Mr. Gold replies. "I've got a magic quill and you're going to write me a whole bunch of new endings."
abc.com
abc.com
abc.comThe Author agrees because being caught by Emma and her parents is more dangerous than going along with the Dark One.
What? Why do people keep doing whatever he asks?
Regina wakes up in magical handcuffs! Mr. Gold lets her know he's got The Author on his team. When Regina refuses to join, he asks her to call Robin and see how he and Marion are doing. When Regina calls...
Flashback #1
What have Robin Hood and Marion and their little son been up to? Well, like every magical character, they head to Manhattan. Apparently, Regina gave him the keys to Neal's apartment because I'm sure after a year of being vacant with no one paying rent, it's still available.
.jpg)
abc.comOnce they get settled, the newly banished Mr. Gold arrives. Unsure why they're squatting his late son's apartment. Mr. Gold tells them to bugger off, then he collapses to the floor.
.jpg)
abc.comRobin visits Mr. Gold in the hospital where he's dying from a poisoned heart, or as we call it, myocardial infarct. Mr. Gold also tells him that even though they're in a non-magical world, they can use magical items if they're brought from a magical place. He needs a heart healing potion!
Um...no, no, NO! That's breaking the rules!
Marion had to leave Storybrooke because Regina's magic wasn't strong enough to break the frozen curse and the only way she could survive is if they went to a non-magical land.
My head hurts.
Did you know that Selena had a correspondent set up in an abandoned New York boutique to keep an eye on Henry and Emma?
Robin searches the dusty store and quickly locates a fancy green drawer. There's no lock. He finds a bottle shaped like a heart full of red liquid.
I guess that's it.
Marion is upset when Robin returns with a potion to save Mr. Gold. She says, "Why don't you just let him die."
Come on, Marion. Kill the Dark One? Why on earth would we want to get rid of the evil guy who everyone hates, yet all do his bidding for ridiculous reasons?
Robin brings the potion to Mr. Gold and makes him promise to let him have Neal's apartment. Mr. Gold agrees and takes a sip. But guess what? It's not the real elixir.
Marion arrives with the real bottle of elixir, touches her green pendant and reveals that she's actually Selena.
*Head explodes*
Quick explanation...
After Mr. Gold stabbed her in the jailhouse, Selena's soul went traveling back through the barn floor to the enchanted forest. She floated around until she saw that Emma was going to bring Marion back to Storybrooke. She entered Marion's body, killed her, and then used her pendant to cast a concealment charm.
How can she kill Marion if that's the body she's occupying?
My head hurts!
abc.comSelena does a lot of close talking. She toys with Mr. Gold's respirator while telling him her diabolical plan to ensure The Author gives her a happy ending. In exchange, she'll give him the real elixir.
I have to say, Selena does a smashing awesome sneering monologue.
Mr. Gold leaves the hospital and Robin is there with a box of Neal's belongings. Mr. Gold says it only brings him unhappiness as a reminder of how much he's lost. Then he tells Robin to follow his heart to find his own happiness.
*Cough* leave Marion *cough*
Flashback #2
Now we're back to when Marion and Robin own a pub. One of his Merry Men try to convince him to go back to his ways of stealing to defy the evil Sheriff of Nottingham.
Did someone say Sheriff?
.jpg)
Ah, good times...good times.
Anyway, the other Sheriff threatens to shut down the pub if they don't pay their taxes, he also acts like a scum bag to Marion. After closing, Rumplestiltskin shows up asking for Robin Hood's thieving expertise. In exchange for gold, he asks him to visit another realm to steal the elixir of the wounded heart.
As per previous episodes, you can only move between realms by...
#1. Magic Bean
#2. Mermaids
#3. Spells (but only certain spells at certain times)
#4. Ursula's tentacles
Robin enters the realm of OZ through a magical mirror.
*Adds magical mirror to list*
He sees Will and the two chit chat about potions that can mend broken hearts. And blah, blah, blah because I'm hardly invested in these two characters so just get on with it.
Dressed as a flying monkey guard, Robin easily sneaks into the wicked witch's castle and steals some elixir. Selena soon emerges and breaks into three witches to fool him. He shoots an arrow, causes vapors, then escapes.
.jpg)
abc.comBack at the pub, the Sheriff of Nottingham returns to claim taxes, but the Merry Men prevent him and Robin gives the gold coins to the peasants. "My thieving can be put to good use," he tells Marion. "When you steal for yourself, that makes you a thief, but when you steal for someone else, that makes you a hero."
Sounds like something Mary Margaret and David would agree with.
Flash forward
.jpg)
abc.comWhen Regina calls Robin's phone, Selena answers. "Hello, sis."
Regina says, "I don't understand."
Take a number, babe.
When Selena hangs up, Mr. Gold tells Regina that even though Selena killed his son, he's working with her now. Unless Regina helps him turn Emma's heart dark, Robin is a dead man.
Who will Regina chose to save, Robin or Emma?
Check out all my other Once Upon A Time recaps here!
April 1, 2015
Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 17 "Best Laid Plans"
Or better title "Kidnapping, Storybrooke Style"
What kind of drugs have the writers been taking?
Snow White and Charming are narcissistic baby-snatchers? And The Author is finally revealed to be... (prepare for disappointment).
Omen for The Charmings
abc.com
A pregnant Snow and Charming sprint through the forest landscape wearing way too much fur for such activity. They stumble upon a unicorn with a double-fisted horn. At once, both parents have visions of their child to be.
Mental Note: Unicorn horns are magical ultrasounds
Charming sees an adorable toddler version of Emma, but Snow is greeted by a teen full of angst and hormons and stuff. Immediately Snow thinks her unborn baby is evil.
abc.com
Ex-squeeze me? Snow's step-mother is the Evil Queen. Shouldn't a mass murdering tyrant be the measuring stick. Just because teen Emma is moody and bad tempered that makes her evil?
Race To Find The Author
abc.com
Back in Storybrooke, things get stupid. Regina and Emma are puzzling over a picture of a door in the storybook. August goes unconscious or whatever and Henry suggests they take him to the Blue Fairy.
Um...remember last time the Blue Fairy helped August? She turned him back unto an eight year old boy. I don't think this woman knows any other spell.
Meanwhile, Hook catches up to the Charmings and passes along the warning Ursula told him about Mr. Gold's super sneaky evil plan to turn Emma's evil as well.
Mwahahahaha.
Emma merely shrugged because she was only in jail for like a year or something and now she's totally reformed. Then she and Hook hug while David and Mary Margaret whisper awkwardly in the corner. "OMG! She said the 'e' word! Our secret will be out!"
abc.com
Bored with this lot, Regina spends some more time with a much cooler crowd, Cruella and Malificent. They have a phone shot of the illustration of the magical door that apparently The Author is hiding behind.
How do we know this? Mr. Gold takes less than two seconds to deduct. "This page is magicked and he is trapped inside.”
What's the next step? A curse of course. One that's disguised as purple fog because no one in Storybrooke will be expecting that. It's a sleeping curse and soon everyone is knocked out.
While Storybrooke snoozes, the only people unaffected are those who have natural immunity...I guess. So Mary Margaret, David, Henry, and presumably Aurora (wherever she is) are running around town. Henry tells them he took the page with the mysterious door that the Author is trapped behind to the mysterious manor.
Because his plans always work, David decides he and Mary Margaret should use this opportunity to destroy the page to keep their dark secret from getting out.
While Cruella and Maleficent are searching for the page, Mr. Gold pays a visit to his shop to stare at an unconscious Belle.
Creep-factor!!!
Malificent gives him a judging stare, but Mr. Gold is a whiny pants and for some reason the women with all the power still do whatever he says, even though Urusula proved last episode that she can create her own happy ending without The Author.
Babies Gone Bad
Back in Fairy Tale Land, we learn that Maleficent had laid an egg while in her dragon form.
Um...wtf?
Also, Charming has taken to carrying a flask of booze with him. Remember his dad's issue? Anyway, while on the road, he and Snow encounter a peddler who gives them directions to the Sorcerer's Apprentice. I guess Snow is super concerned about having an evil teenager.
Newsflash, it's called puberty.
Snow and Charming listen as the Sorcerer's Apprentice explain that their unborn baby could grow up to be good or evil. But instead of taking parenting classes to assure they raise the baby to treat others with respect and basically be a decent human being, Snow and Charming take him up on his offer to suck all the evil out of Snow’s womb and put it in another living vessel.
Hmm...where can they find another living vessel?
Snow rationalizes that since Maleficent is evil, her 'dragon egg baby thing' will also be evil, so what's wrong with giving it a bit more evil? Charming goes along with this and they're soon breaking into Malificent's castle and snatch her baby dragon egg.
abc.com
Maleficent begs Snow not to take her child. Snow simply says, "Oh, no worries, I'll be right back." Instead, she gives the egg to the Sorcerer who not only poured all of the evil into the egg, he also prepares to send it into another dimension.
abc.com
Before you can say, baby-snatchers, a little fist breaks through the dragon egg. And I have terrible flashbacks to the episode where Grumpy hatched fully clothed.
Where is Nova, anyway?
And since Cruella and Ursulla were staying with Malificent to look after her, they rush to save the baby but are sent into the portal as well.
The Author Appears!
Back at the mysterious manor, Henry waits in front of the magical door, which is now emitting a magical light. Regina, Cruella and Maleficent bust in and demand the page from Henry.
But then Mary Margaret and David arrive to burn the page. In a flash of reason Mary Margaret slows things down and wonders if maybe they're making too many bad choices based on fear and maybe if they just told the truth from the beginning...
Anyway, Emma's all, "Whoa, you guys are baby snatchers!" But she's actually more upset with the fact they lied to her than the actual weird kidnapping scheme.
Sick of the Charmings getting all the air time, Malificent breaks up their family feud, demanding to know what happened to her child. We learn that her daughter, Lily, met Emma when they were teens. She was Emma's best friend for a day when they shoplifted together then ate ice cream and played video games for the rest of the afternoon.
But that girl wasn't evil. She had gumption! I can't wait for her to make an entrance.
Oh, and The Author? When the door was finally opened, the peddler stepped out. Before he can be cornered and forced to give anyone a happy ending, he takes out all the Charmings with this curtain rod and disappears into the night.
Too bad everyone's still asleep.
What kind of drugs have the writers been taking?
Snow White and Charming are narcissistic baby-snatchers? And The Author is finally revealed to be... (prepare for disappointment).
Omen for The Charmings
abc.comA pregnant Snow and Charming sprint through the forest landscape wearing way too much fur for such activity. They stumble upon a unicorn with a double-fisted horn. At once, both parents have visions of their child to be.
Mental Note: Unicorn horns are magical ultrasounds
Charming sees an adorable toddler version of Emma, but Snow is greeted by a teen full of angst and hormons and stuff. Immediately Snow thinks her unborn baby is evil.
abc.comEx-squeeze me? Snow's step-mother is the Evil Queen. Shouldn't a mass murdering tyrant be the measuring stick. Just because teen Emma is moody and bad tempered that makes her evil?
Race To Find The Author
abc.comBack in Storybrooke, things get stupid. Regina and Emma are puzzling over a picture of a door in the storybook. August goes unconscious or whatever and Henry suggests they take him to the Blue Fairy.
Um...remember last time the Blue Fairy helped August? She turned him back unto an eight year old boy. I don't think this woman knows any other spell.
Meanwhile, Hook catches up to the Charmings and passes along the warning Ursula told him about Mr. Gold's super sneaky evil plan to turn Emma's evil as well.
Mwahahahaha.
Emma merely shrugged because she was only in jail for like a year or something and now she's totally reformed. Then she and Hook hug while David and Mary Margaret whisper awkwardly in the corner. "OMG! She said the 'e' word! Our secret will be out!"
abc.comBored with this lot, Regina spends some more time with a much cooler crowd, Cruella and Malificent. They have a phone shot of the illustration of the magical door that apparently The Author is hiding behind.
How do we know this? Mr. Gold takes less than two seconds to deduct. "This page is magicked and he is trapped inside.”
What's the next step? A curse of course. One that's disguised as purple fog because no one in Storybrooke will be expecting that. It's a sleeping curse and soon everyone is knocked out.
While Storybrooke snoozes, the only people unaffected are those who have natural immunity...I guess. So Mary Margaret, David, Henry, and presumably Aurora (wherever she is) are running around town. Henry tells them he took the page with the mysterious door that the Author is trapped behind to the mysterious manor.
Because his plans always work, David decides he and Mary Margaret should use this opportunity to destroy the page to keep their dark secret from getting out.
While Cruella and Maleficent are searching for the page, Mr. Gold pays a visit to his shop to stare at an unconscious Belle.
Creep-factor!!!
Malificent gives him a judging stare, but Mr. Gold is a whiny pants and for some reason the women with all the power still do whatever he says, even though Urusula proved last episode that she can create her own happy ending without The Author.
Babies Gone Bad
Back in Fairy Tale Land, we learn that Maleficent had laid an egg while in her dragon form.
Um...wtf?
Also, Charming has taken to carrying a flask of booze with him. Remember his dad's issue? Anyway, while on the road, he and Snow encounter a peddler who gives them directions to the Sorcerer's Apprentice. I guess Snow is super concerned about having an evil teenager.
Newsflash, it's called puberty.
Snow and Charming listen as the Sorcerer's Apprentice explain that their unborn baby could grow up to be good or evil. But instead of taking parenting classes to assure they raise the baby to treat others with respect and basically be a decent human being, Snow and Charming take him up on his offer to suck all the evil out of Snow’s womb and put it in another living vessel.
Hmm...where can they find another living vessel?
Snow rationalizes that since Maleficent is evil, her 'dragon egg baby thing' will also be evil, so what's wrong with giving it a bit more evil? Charming goes along with this and they're soon breaking into Malificent's castle and snatch her baby dragon egg.
abc.comMaleficent begs Snow not to take her child. Snow simply says, "Oh, no worries, I'll be right back." Instead, she gives the egg to the Sorcerer who not only poured all of the evil into the egg, he also prepares to send it into another dimension.
abc.comBefore you can say, baby-snatchers, a little fist breaks through the dragon egg. And I have terrible flashbacks to the episode where Grumpy hatched fully clothed.
Where is Nova, anyway?
And since Cruella and Ursulla were staying with Malificent to look after her, they rush to save the baby but are sent into the portal as well.
The Author Appears!
Back at the mysterious manor, Henry waits in front of the magical door, which is now emitting a magical light. Regina, Cruella and Maleficent bust in and demand the page from Henry.
But then Mary Margaret and David arrive to burn the page. In a flash of reason Mary Margaret slows things down and wonders if maybe they're making too many bad choices based on fear and maybe if they just told the truth from the beginning...
Anyway, Emma's all, "Whoa, you guys are baby snatchers!" But she's actually more upset with the fact they lied to her than the actual weird kidnapping scheme.
Sick of the Charmings getting all the air time, Malificent breaks up their family feud, demanding to know what happened to her child. We learn that her daughter, Lily, met Emma when they were teens. She was Emma's best friend for a day when they shoplifted together then ate ice cream and played video games for the rest of the afternoon.
But that girl wasn't evil. She had gumption! I can't wait for her to make an entrance.
Oh, and The Author? When the door was finally opened, the peddler stepped out. Before he can be cornered and forced to give anyone a happy ending, he takes out all the Charmings with this curtain rod and disappears into the night.
Too bad everyone's still asleep.
Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 16 "Best Laid Plans"
Or better title "Kidnapping, Storybrooke Style"
What kind of drugs have the writers been taking?
Snow White and Charming are narcissistic baby-snatchers? And The Author is finally revealed to be... (prepare for disappointment).
Omen for The Charmings
abc.com
A pregnant Snow and Charming sprint through the forest landscape wearing way too much fur for such activity. They stumble upon a unicorn with a double-fisted horn. At once, both parents have visions of their child to be.
Mental Note: Unicorn horns are magical ultrasounds
Charming sees an adorable toddler version of Emma, but Snow is greeted by a teen full of angst and hormons and stuff. Immediately Snow thinks her unborn baby is evil.
abc.com
Ex-squeeze me? Snow's step-mother is the Evil Queen. Shouldn't a mass murdering tyrant be the measuring stick. Just because teen Emma is moody and bad tempered that makes her evil?
Race To Find The Author
abc.com
Back in Storybrooke, things get stupid. Regina and Emma are puzzling over a picture of a door in the storybook. August goes unconscious or whatever and Henry suggests they take him to the Blue Fairy.
Um...remember last time the Blue Fairy helped August? She turned him back unto an eight year old boy. I don't think this woman knows any other spell.
Meanwhile, Hook catches up to the Charmings and passes along the warning Ursula told him about Mr. Gold's super sneaky evil plan to turn Emma's evil as well.
Mwahahahaha.
Emma merely shrugged because she was only in jail for like a year or something and now she's totally reformed. Then she and Hook hug while David and Mary Margaret whisper awkwardly in the corner. "OMG! She said the 'e' word! Our secret will be out!"
abc.com
Bored with this lot, Regina spends some more time with a much cooler crowd, Cruella and Malificent. They have a phone shot of the illustration of the magical door that apparently The Author is hiding behind.
How do we know this? Mr. Gold takes less than two seconds to deduct. "This page is magicked and he is trapped inside.”
What's the next step? A curse of course. One that's disguised as purple fog because no one in Storybrooke will be expecting that. It's a sleeping curse and soon everyone is knocked out.
While Storybrooke snoozes, the only people unaffected are those who have natural immunity...I guess. So Mary Margaret, David, Henry, and presumably Aurora (wherever she is) are running around town. Henry tells them he took the page with the mysterious door that the Author is trapped behind to the mysterious manor.
Because his plans always work, David decides he and Mary Margaret should use this opportunity to destroy the page to keep their dark secret from getting out.
While Cruella and Maleficent are searching for the page, Mr. Gold pays a visit to his shop to stare at an unconscious Belle.
Creep-factor!!!
Malificent gives him a judging stare, but Mr. Gold is a whiny pants and for some reason the women with all the power still do whatever he says, even though Urusula proved last episode that she can create her own happy ending without The Author.
Babies Gone Bad
Back in Fairy Tale Land, we learn that Maleficent had laid an egg while in her dragon form.
Um...wtf?
Also, Charming has taken to carrying a flask of booze with him. Remember his dad's issue? Anyway, while on the road, he and Snow encounter a peddler who gives them directions to the Sorcerer's Apprentice. I guess Snow is super concerned about having an evil teenager.
Newsflash, it's called puberty.
Snow and Charming listen as the Sorcerer's Apprentice explain that their unborn baby could grow up to be good or evil. But instead of taking parenting classes to assure they raise the baby to treat others with respect and basically be a decent human being, Snow and Charming take him up on his offer to suck all the evil out of Snow’s womb and put it in another living vessel.
Hmm...where can they find another living vessel?
Snow rationalizes that since Maleficent is evil, her 'dragon egg baby thing' will also be evil, so what's wrong with giving it a bit more evil? Charming goes along with this and they're soon breaking into Malificent's castle and snatch her baby dragon egg.
abc.com
Maleficent begs Snow not to take her child. Snow simply says, "Oh, no worries, I'll be right back." Instead, she gives the egg to the Sorcerer who not only poured all of the evil into the egg, he also prepares to send it into another dimension.
abc.com
Before you can say, baby-snatchers, a little fist breaks through the dragon egg. And I have terrible flashbacks to the episode where Grumpy hatched fully clothed.
Where is Nova, anyway?
And since Cruella and Ursulla were staying with Malificent to look after her, they rush to save the baby but are sent into the portal as well.
The Author Appears!
Back at the mysterious manor, Henry waits in front of the magical door, which is now emitting a magical light. Regina, Cruella and Maleficent bust in and demand the page from Henry.
But then Mary Margaret and David arrive to burn the page. In a flash of reason Mary Margaret slows things down and wonders if maybe they're making too many bad choices based on fear and maybe if they just told the truth from the beginning...
Anyway, Emma's all, "Whoa, you guys are baby snatchers!" But she's actually more upset with the fact they lied to her than the actual weird kidnapping scheme.
Sick of the Charmings getting all the air time, Malificent breaks up their family feud, demanding to know what happened to her child. We learn that her daughter, Lily, met Emma when they were teens. She was Emma's best friend for a day when they shoplifted together then ate ice cream and played video games for the rest of the afternoon.
But that girl wasn't evil. She had gumption! I can't wait for her to make an entrance.
Oh, and The Author? When the door was finally opened, the peddler stepped out. Before he can be cornered and forced to give anyone a happy ending, he takes out all the Charmings with this curtain rod and disappears into the night.
Too bad everyone's still asleep.
What kind of drugs have the writers been taking?
Snow White and Charming are narcissistic baby-snatchers? And The Author is finally revealed to be... (prepare for disappointment).
Omen for The Charmings
abc.comA pregnant Snow and Charming sprint through the forest landscape wearing way too much fur for such activity. They stumble upon a unicorn with a double-fisted horn. At once, both parents have visions of their child to be.
Mental Note: Unicorn horns are magical ultrasounds
Charming sees an adorable toddler version of Emma, but Snow is greeted by a teen full of angst and hormons and stuff. Immediately Snow thinks her unborn baby is evil.
abc.comEx-squeeze me? Snow's step-mother is the Evil Queen. Shouldn't a mass murdering tyrant be the measuring stick. Just because teen Emma is moody and bad tempered that makes her evil?
Race To Find The Author
abc.comBack in Storybrooke, things get stupid. Regina and Emma are puzzling over a picture of a door in the storybook. August goes unconscious or whatever and Henry suggests they take him to the Blue Fairy.
Um...remember last time the Blue Fairy helped August? She turned him back unto an eight year old boy. I don't think this woman knows any other spell.
Meanwhile, Hook catches up to the Charmings and passes along the warning Ursula told him about Mr. Gold's super sneaky evil plan to turn Emma's evil as well.
Mwahahahaha.
Emma merely shrugged because she was only in jail for like a year or something and now she's totally reformed. Then she and Hook hug while David and Mary Margaret whisper awkwardly in the corner. "OMG! She said the 'e' word! Our secret will be out!"
abc.comBored with this lot, Regina spends some more time with a much cooler crowd, Cruella and Malificent. They have a phone shot of the illustration of the magical door that apparently The Author is hiding behind.
How do we know this? Mr. Gold takes less than two seconds to deduct. "This page is magicked and he is trapped inside.”
What's the next step? A curse of course. One that's disguised as purple fog because no one in Storybrooke will be expecting that. It's a sleeping curse and soon everyone is knocked out.
While Storybrooke snoozes, the only people unaffected are those who have natural immunity...I guess. So Mary Margaret, David, Henry, and presumably Aurora (wherever she is) are running around town. Henry tells them he took the page with the mysterious door that the Author is trapped behind to the mysterious manor.
Because his plans always work, David decides he and Mary Margaret should use this opportunity to destroy the page to keep their dark secret from getting out.
While Cruella and Maleficent are searching for the page, Mr. Gold pays a visit to his shop to stare at an unconscious Belle.
Creep-factor!!!
Malificent gives him a judging stare, but Mr. Gold is a whiny pants and for some reason the women with all the power still do whatever he says, even though Urusula proved last episode that she can create her own happy ending without The Author.
Babies Gone Bad
Back in Fairy Tale Land, we learn that Maleficent had laid an egg while in her dragon form.
Um...wtf?
Also, Charming has taken to carrying a flask of booze with him. Remember his dad's issue? Anyway, while on the road, he and Snow encounter a peddler who gives them directions to the Sorcerer's Apprentice. I guess Snow is super concerned about having an evil teenager.
Newsflash, it's called puberty.
Snow and Charming listen as the Sorcerer's Apprentice explain that their unborn baby could grow up to be good or evil. But instead of taking parenting classes to assure they raise the baby to treat others with respect and basically be a decent human being, Snow and Charming take him up on his offer to suck all the evil out of Snow’s womb and put it in another living vessel.
Hmm...where can they find another living vessel?
Snow rationalizes that since Maleficent is evil, her 'dragon egg baby thing' will also be evil, so what's wrong with giving it a bit more evil? Charming goes along with this and they're soon breaking into Malificent's castle and snatch her baby dragon egg.
abc.comMaleficent begs Snow not to take her child. Snow simply says, "Oh, no worries, I'll be right back." Instead, she gives the egg to the Sorcerer who not only poured all of the evil into the egg, he also prepares to send it into another dimension.
abc.comBefore you can say, baby-snatchers, a little fist breaks through the dragon egg. And I have terrible flashbacks to the episode where Grumpy hatched fully clothed.
Where is Nova, anyway?
And since Cruella and Ursulla were staying with Malificent to look after her, they rush to save the baby but are sent into the portal as well.
The Author Appears!
Back at the mysterious manor, Henry waits in front of the magical door, which is now emitting a magical light. Regina, Cruella and Maleficent bust in and demand the page from Henry.
But then Mary Margaret and David arrive to burn the page. In a flash of reason Mary Margaret slows things down and wonders if maybe they're making too many bad choices based on fear and maybe if they just told the truth from the beginning...
Anyway, Emma's all, "Whoa, you guys are baby snatchers!" But she's actually more upset with the fact they lied to her than the actual weird kidnapping scheme.
Sick of the Charmings getting all the air time, Malificent breaks up their family feud, demanding to know what happened to her child. We learn that her daughter, Lily, met Emma when they were teens. She was Emma's best friend for a day when they shoplifted together then ate ice cream and played video games for the rest of the afternoon.
But that girl wasn't evil. She had gumption! I can't wait for her to make an entrance.
Oh, and The Author? When the door was finally opened, the peddler stepped out. Before he can be cornered and forced to give anyone a happy ending, he takes out all the Charmings with this curtain rod and disappears into the night.
Too bad everyone's still asleep.
March 29, 2015
Five Reasons to Keep Writing...Even When You Want to Quit
Self doubt kills creativity.
I've had my share of moments when I wondered if all the hours upon hours I spent writing would ever matter, and that maybe I had wasted all that time on nothing.
I was wrong. It did matter. Every word mattered.
We all need a little encouragement now and again so I hope this post finds you when you need it the most.
pinterest.com
You Should Keep Writing Because ....
#1. The characters you love need you to exist. Do it for them.
#2. If you didn't write you'd be miserable or totally lost or felt like you'd slept too long and couldn't remember what you went down into the basement looking for.
#3. People going through horrible things in their lives need books to escape. Someone, somewhere, someday will NEED your book.
#4. It will be so gratifying to prove the doubters wrong.
#5. Let's face it, you started writing for a reason, so why stop?
No go sit your butt back in the chair and WRITE WITHOUT FEAR.
Why do you write?
I've had my share of moments when I wondered if all the hours upon hours I spent writing would ever matter, and that maybe I had wasted all that time on nothing.
I was wrong. It did matter. Every word mattered.
We all need a little encouragement now and again so I hope this post finds you when you need it the most.
pinterest.comYou Should Keep Writing Because ....
#1. The characters you love need you to exist. Do it for them.
#2. If you didn't write you'd be miserable or totally lost or felt like you'd slept too long and couldn't remember what you went down into the basement looking for.
#3. People going through horrible things in their lives need books to escape. Someone, somewhere, someday will NEED your book.
#4. It will be so gratifying to prove the doubters wrong.
#5. Let's face it, you started writing for a reason, so why stop?
No go sit your butt back in the chair and WRITE WITHOUT FEAR.
Why do you write?
March 26, 2015
Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 16 "Poor Unfortunate Soul"
Or better title "Poor Unfortunate Viewer"This was my face during a certain scene in this episode.
abc.com
Sweet Mother of God, what is ABC thinking? More of that later...
abc.com
In a flashback we see a young Ursula as a mermaid who is forced by her father (dude from The Ghostbusters!), Poseidon, to lure pirate ships with her beautiful singing voice so they can crash on the rocks, spilling their treasure.
But Ursula soon grows weary of mass murder and confronts her brutal dad. But since his heart has been hardened by the death of Ursula's mom (original!) he tells her as long as she's living in his sea, she lives by his rules.
Knowing the only way to walk away is with legs, Ursula steals a giant plastic bracelet from his vault so she can live on land, singing her heart out like it's the American Idol finale in pubs for drunk pirates.
abc.com
*enter Hook*
Cap'N Sexy Eyes is quick to offer her passage on his ship.
But before you can say, heave-ho, Big Daddy and his Triton show up. He strikes a deal with Hook to give him squid ink that will defeat Rumpelstiltskin if he steals Ursula's singing voice with a conch shell.
abc.com
How does Poseidon even know Hook wants Rumpelstiltskin/The Dark One dead? Is there a gossip magazine in the Enchanted Forest or something?
Mental Note: Hook has squid ink that can kill Mr. Gold
abc.com
Meanwhile, in the race for a happy ending, the Dark Witches (with the help of Mr. Gold) are torturing a newly grownup August, or as his friends call him, Woody. They need to know who The Author is so they can go torture the author to write them a happy ending.
Why? Because everyone knows the only way to get a happy ending is through torture as opposed to like maybe going out into the world and having a life.
August has to endure his painfully growing, extending, wooden phallic...you get the picture...nose towards the fire as Mr. Gold laughs.
Can you imagine the jokes in the special effects room?
abc.comRegina is pretending to be evil, but manages to get a message to Emma by taking over Mary Margaret's body. It was creepy hearing Regina's voice come out of Mary Margaret, but no creepier than August's nose inching further and further...
abc.com
While this is going on Hook seeks out Ursula and lifts that eyebrow of his and says he's on to her happy ending and he can help her as long as she does him a huge favour. Nothing big, just opening a portal to fish his ship out of the sea.
Before you can say calamari, Ursula slips one of her tentacles into Storybrooke's harbour and is able to penetrate into another portal.
abc.com
Mental Note: Things that can open portals
#1. Magic Bean
#2. Mermaids
#3. Spells (but only certain spells at certain times)
#4. Tentacles
Ursula retrieves the Jolly Roger, but it's tiny and in a glass bottle.
WTH? When did the Jolly Roger end up in a bottle?
Anyway, the ship is quickly transformed to its original size. Hook hands over the magic shell that contains her singing voice, but it doesn't take. So the natural reaction is for Hook to pull a gun on Ursula. He's so charming!
Ursula throws him overboard.
Back in the past, Hook was super keen to have a sexy singer on board, he even told her about Poseidon's offer, which he was turning down because why did he even need squid ink at that point in his life?
But Big Daddy shows up on the ship and is super MAD! Hook then realizes he really does need squid ink and steals Ursula's voice after all of that.
Ursula was so miffed she did the only thing a teenage daughter can do to retaliate against authority figures...she turns her mermaid tail into eight slimy tentacles.
abc.com
Dad is disgusted or heartbroken or wishing he was part of the new Ghostbusters movie.
abc.com
Emma and the rest of the 'heroes' bust into the cabin to save August. But soon, Mary Margaret is being strangled by Ursula. When all hope is gone, Hook stumbles in, saying he was rescued by Ariel. Not only that, but she slipped through the portal and brought back Poseidon.
Why?
Because he has the magic shell with Ursula's voice. After thirty years, he's ready to set things right.
And maybe get a new breastplate.
abc.com
abc.com
The reunion is tidy and quick. Ursula gets her singing voice back, but unfortunately this probably means she's off the show.
abc.com
Or at least until that squid ink thing comes up again.*wink wink*
Mental Note:
If mermaids can cross through portals between worlds why did The Dark One go to all the trouble to groom Regina to manipulate her into casting the curse? Why didn't he just hire a mermaid to take him to find Baelfire in our world?
*gets headache*
Also, Regina had a dream about killing Robin Hood. She confides in Emma and asks if she could find his address and maybe follow him on snapchat.
Hook takes Emma aside and tells her she's his happy ending. Happy ending?
Dear ABC,
We get it. You have a penis thing going on this episode.
*wonders how many weird spam comments will be generated by having the word penis in this post*
Before she exits stage right, Ursula tells them, “Head's up, this is the super secret master plan: The Author can’t give villains their happy endings while the Savior is in the world, so Mr. Gold has decided to turn Emma’s heart dark forever.”
abc.com
Hook is confused (me too). He says, “But Emma will still exist even if her heart is dark.”
And besides, this is Once Upon A Time, the rules don't matter.
Ursula shrugs, “I’m just the messenger.”
If we're still fool enough after three and a half seasons to be expecting some larger plot arc that will tie all this together, then we're just, well...foolish.
I'm purely watching for the next August 'lying' situation.
Speaking of August, he explained that the Author was trapped in the Storybook itself. OMG! The Author is Flat Stanley!
Quizzes by Quibblo.com
abc.comSweet Mother of God, what is ABC thinking? More of that later...
abc.comIn a flashback we see a young Ursula as a mermaid who is forced by her father (dude from The Ghostbusters!), Poseidon, to lure pirate ships with her beautiful singing voice so they can crash on the rocks, spilling their treasure.
But Ursula soon grows weary of mass murder and confronts her brutal dad. But since his heart has been hardened by the death of Ursula's mom (original!) he tells her as long as she's living in his sea, she lives by his rules.
Knowing the only way to walk away is with legs, Ursula steals a giant plastic bracelet from his vault so she can live on land, singing her heart out like it's the American Idol finale in pubs for drunk pirates.
abc.com*enter Hook*
Cap'N Sexy Eyes is quick to offer her passage on his ship.
But before you can say, heave-ho, Big Daddy and his Triton show up. He strikes a deal with Hook to give him squid ink that will defeat Rumpelstiltskin if he steals Ursula's singing voice with a conch shell.
abc.comHow does Poseidon even know Hook wants Rumpelstiltskin/The Dark One dead? Is there a gossip magazine in the Enchanted Forest or something?
Mental Note: Hook has squid ink that can kill Mr. Gold
abc.comMeanwhile, in the race for a happy ending, the Dark Witches (with the help of Mr. Gold) are torturing a newly grownup August, or as his friends call him, Woody. They need to know who The Author is so they can go torture the author to write them a happy ending.
Why? Because everyone knows the only way to get a happy ending is through torture as opposed to like maybe going out into the world and having a life.
August has to endure his painfully growing, extending, wooden phallic...you get the picture...nose towards the fire as Mr. Gold laughs.
Can you imagine the jokes in the special effects room?
abc.comRegina is pretending to be evil, but manages to get a message to Emma by taking over Mary Margaret's body. It was creepy hearing Regina's voice come out of Mary Margaret, but no creepier than August's nose inching further and further...
abc.comWhile this is going on Hook seeks out Ursula and lifts that eyebrow of his and says he's on to her happy ending and he can help her as long as she does him a huge favour. Nothing big, just opening a portal to fish his ship out of the sea.
Before you can say calamari, Ursula slips one of her tentacles into Storybrooke's harbour and is able to penetrate into another portal.
abc.comMental Note: Things that can open portals
#1. Magic Bean
#2. Mermaids
#3. Spells (but only certain spells at certain times)
#4. Tentacles
Ursula retrieves the Jolly Roger, but it's tiny and in a glass bottle.
WTH? When did the Jolly Roger end up in a bottle?
Anyway, the ship is quickly transformed to its original size. Hook hands over the magic shell that contains her singing voice, but it doesn't take. So the natural reaction is for Hook to pull a gun on Ursula. He's so charming!
Ursula throws him overboard.
Back in the past, Hook was super keen to have a sexy singer on board, he even told her about Poseidon's offer, which he was turning down because why did he even need squid ink at that point in his life?
But Big Daddy shows up on the ship and is super MAD! Hook then realizes he really does need squid ink and steals Ursula's voice after all of that.
Ursula was so miffed she did the only thing a teenage daughter can do to retaliate against authority figures...she turns her mermaid tail into eight slimy tentacles.
abc.comDad is disgusted or heartbroken or wishing he was part of the new Ghostbusters movie.
abc.comEmma and the rest of the 'heroes' bust into the cabin to save August. But soon, Mary Margaret is being strangled by Ursula. When all hope is gone, Hook stumbles in, saying he was rescued by Ariel. Not only that, but she slipped through the portal and brought back Poseidon.
Why?
Because he has the magic shell with Ursula's voice. After thirty years, he's ready to set things right.
And maybe get a new breastplate.
abc.com
abc.comThe reunion is tidy and quick. Ursula gets her singing voice back, but unfortunately this probably means she's off the show.
abc.comOr at least until that squid ink thing comes up again.*wink wink*
Mental Note:
If mermaids can cross through portals between worlds why did The Dark One go to all the trouble to groom Regina to manipulate her into casting the curse? Why didn't he just hire a mermaid to take him to find Baelfire in our world?
*gets headache*
Also, Regina had a dream about killing Robin Hood. She confides in Emma and asks if she could find his address and maybe follow him on snapchat.
Hook takes Emma aside and tells her she's his happy ending. Happy ending?
Dear ABC,
We get it. You have a penis thing going on this episode.
*wonders how many weird spam comments will be generated by having the word penis in this post*
Before she exits stage right, Ursula tells them, “Head's up, this is the super secret master plan: The Author can’t give villains their happy endings while the Savior is in the world, so Mr. Gold has decided to turn Emma’s heart dark forever.”
abc.comHook is confused (me too). He says, “But Emma will still exist even if her heart is dark.”
And besides, this is Once Upon A Time, the rules don't matter.
Ursula shrugs, “I’m just the messenger.”
If we're still fool enough after three and a half seasons to be expecting some larger plot arc that will tie all this together, then we're just, well...foolish.
I'm purely watching for the next August 'lying' situation.
Speaking of August, he explained that the Author was trapped in the Storybook itself. OMG! The Author is Flat Stanley!
Quizzes by Quibblo.com
March 17, 2015
Super Sneaky International Book Tour
BUTTERFLIES DON'T LIE is going overseas, folks!
During my travels this month I'll be leaving the above mentioned YA coming of age, fabulously smashing, sweet romance comedy (phew) somewhere in Europe in an undisclosed public location.
I'll be leaving instructions inside the book.
1. First of all, enjoy the free read!
2. Secondly, pass the book along to a friend or leave it in another public location for the next person to find.
3. Thirdly, please send me a quick tweet or email to let me know where you found the book. A picture would be extra lovely.
How far it will go? How many hands will it pass through? And will it ever find its way back to Canada?
Fingers crossed! This could go on for years ... YEARS!!!
Good luck to Chloe, Luke, Chet, Blaine, and of course Kelsey on their super sneaky international book tour.
Have you ever found an abandoned book?
March 15, 2015
Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 14 "Enter The Dragon"
Or better title "Hook's So Smart"
Mama's Got Work To Do
abc.com
After Regina's discussion with Mary Margaret she agrees to go undercover. She finds Ursula, Cruella, and the newly reincarnated Malificent, at Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat.
They do shooters and Regina crushes her glass to prove she's still badass.
A young Queen Regina argues with Rumpelstiltskin that he's not teaching her enough magic. Regina has found Malificent's spell book from her mother's belongings and wishes she could be that amazing.
Rumpelstiltskin says Malificent has the power to turn into a dragon because she's so patient, unlike Regina who keeps whining about waiting to learn evil magic to take down little Snow White. So in order to teach her a lesson Rumpelstiltskin sends her to Malificent's castle.
Emma is upset when she learns Mary Margaret convinced Regina to go undercover. Meanwhile, the three witches take Regina for a joyride in the Rolls Royce to reek havoc on Storybrooke.
Meanwhile, Henry uses a magnifying glass on one of the pages August added to the story book. He seems particularly interested in a picture of a door.
The next morning David and Mary Margaret find Regina hanging out by a burned out Sheriff's car. After a night of drinking and property damage Regina tells them she's discovered the three witches are in possession of something very powerful.
The three witches go back to Mr. Gold's cabin. He's intrigued to find out Regina has been with them. He stokes the fires and talks about the 'war' they're going to start in Storybrooke.
Cue evil laugh.
Revenge = Motivation
abc.com
Back in the enchanted forest, Queen Regina visits a drunken Malificent. She's got nothing to live for since Princess Briar Rose got away. The only bit of magic left is a burning tree still on fire since the last time she was a dragon. She keeps giving herself tiny increments of sleeping potion to take the edge off her miserable existence.
On her way back from Malificent's castle, Regina finds out there's going to be a Royal Wedding, Briar Rose's daughter, Aurora is getting married. She rushes back to tell Malificent and they both trade stories about how rotten their lives are because they can't get revenge. Malificent then confesses she can't turn into a dragon anymore.
Regina takes Malificient to the burning tree where she inhales all that evil magic again.
Could it be that easy?
The King comes along warning her to stay away from Aurora. Malificent does all the choreography but is unable to turn into a dragon and kill them all.
Darn.
After Malificent fails, the King takes her and Regina prisoner. But Regina starts to fight with her simple fire balls. Malificent is inspired and somehow finds the magic to become a dragon again.
Convenient!
While Aurora combs her hair before her wedding, Malificent shows up, puts her to sleep and the rest they say is history.
The Quest
Back in Storybrooke, Malificent tells Regina that she's looking for the author as well. Regina is all ears since she's eager for her happy ending. Regina runs to tell Emma and the others that the diabolical plan is to use the author to give the villains their happy endings and to take away the happiness of all the heroes.
Emma says she's going to be Regina's backup no matter what they have planned tonight.
Bring it!
abc.com
While Will and Belle share some chocolate cake, Hook arrives and tells her about the three witches' plan and wants to make sure that Belle is in possession of the dagger. Hook encourages her to get it for him so he can hide it...because everyone knows pirates are great at hiding stuff.
Malificent makes Regina pay a visit to Marco and Pinnochio. She's convinced the little boy can remember something about the author and Regina has to prove she's evil enough to make him confess.
*cough* torture *cough*
After Regina magics Marco and Pinnochio to sleep, Emma shows up and tries to convince her to stop, but Regina is determined to see this through.
Belle and Hook meet. She's worried Mr. Gold might be inside town limits and the dagger is her only protection. Hook suggests that she prove it by summoning him. She does, but no one shows up. She hands over the dagger and drives away.
Hook smiles and turns into Mr. Gold.
Smoooooth.
Hook arrives at Mr. Gold's shop and tells Belle the dagger is well hidden and they promise to never speak of what they did. He then asks about Will. She says she'll never be over Rumpelstilskin but Will makes her smile.
Malificent takes Regina (and the kidnapped puppet) to Mr. Gold's cabin, and she sees him. When all the villains proclaim to want to find the author, Mr. Gold uses his freaky magic and turns Pinocchio back into August.
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Mama's Got Work To Do
abc.comAfter Regina's discussion with Mary Margaret she agrees to go undercover. She finds Ursula, Cruella, and the newly reincarnated Malificent, at Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat.
They do shooters and Regina crushes her glass to prove she's still badass.
A young Queen Regina argues with Rumpelstiltskin that he's not teaching her enough magic. Regina has found Malificent's spell book from her mother's belongings and wishes she could be that amazing.
Rumpelstiltskin says Malificent has the power to turn into a dragon because she's so patient, unlike Regina who keeps whining about waiting to learn evil magic to take down little Snow White. So in order to teach her a lesson Rumpelstiltskin sends her to Malificent's castle.
Emma is upset when she learns Mary Margaret convinced Regina to go undercover. Meanwhile, the three witches take Regina for a joyride in the Rolls Royce to reek havoc on Storybrooke.
Meanwhile, Henry uses a magnifying glass on one of the pages August added to the story book. He seems particularly interested in a picture of a door.
The next morning David and Mary Margaret find Regina hanging out by a burned out Sheriff's car. After a night of drinking and property damage Regina tells them she's discovered the three witches are in possession of something very powerful.
The three witches go back to Mr. Gold's cabin. He's intrigued to find out Regina has been with them. He stokes the fires and talks about the 'war' they're going to start in Storybrooke.
Cue evil laugh.
Revenge = Motivation
abc.comBack in the enchanted forest, Queen Regina visits a drunken Malificent. She's got nothing to live for since Princess Briar Rose got away. The only bit of magic left is a burning tree still on fire since the last time she was a dragon. She keeps giving herself tiny increments of sleeping potion to take the edge off her miserable existence.
On her way back from Malificent's castle, Regina finds out there's going to be a Royal Wedding, Briar Rose's daughter, Aurora is getting married. She rushes back to tell Malificent and they both trade stories about how rotten their lives are because they can't get revenge. Malificent then confesses she can't turn into a dragon anymore.
Regina takes Malificient to the burning tree where she inhales all that evil magic again.
Could it be that easy?
The King comes along warning her to stay away from Aurora. Malificent does all the choreography but is unable to turn into a dragon and kill them all.
Darn.
After Malificent fails, the King takes her and Regina prisoner. But Regina starts to fight with her simple fire balls. Malificent is inspired and somehow finds the magic to become a dragon again.
Convenient!
While Aurora combs her hair before her wedding, Malificent shows up, puts her to sleep and the rest they say is history.
The Quest
Back in Storybrooke, Malificent tells Regina that she's looking for the author as well. Regina is all ears since she's eager for her happy ending. Regina runs to tell Emma and the others that the diabolical plan is to use the author to give the villains their happy endings and to take away the happiness of all the heroes.
Emma says she's going to be Regina's backup no matter what they have planned tonight.
Bring it!
abc.comWhile Will and Belle share some chocolate cake, Hook arrives and tells her about the three witches' plan and wants to make sure that Belle is in possession of the dagger. Hook encourages her to get it for him so he can hide it...because everyone knows pirates are great at hiding stuff.
Malificent makes Regina pay a visit to Marco and Pinnochio. She's convinced the little boy can remember something about the author and Regina has to prove she's evil enough to make him confess.
*cough* torture *cough*
After Regina magics Marco and Pinnochio to sleep, Emma shows up and tries to convince her to stop, but Regina is determined to see this through.
Belle and Hook meet. She's worried Mr. Gold might be inside town limits and the dagger is her only protection. Hook suggests that she prove it by summoning him. She does, but no one shows up. She hands over the dagger and drives away.
Hook smiles and turns into Mr. Gold.
Smoooooth.
Hook arrives at Mr. Gold's shop and tells Belle the dagger is well hidden and they promise to never speak of what they did. He then asks about Will. She says she'll never be over Rumpelstilskin but Will makes her smile.
Malificent takes Regina (and the kidnapped puppet) to Mr. Gold's cabin, and she sees him. When all the villains proclaim to want to find the author, Mr. Gold uses his freaky magic and turns Pinocchio back into August.
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March 10, 2015
The Bachelor Season 19, FINALE!!!
Whitney!
Becca!ABC promises a shocking turn of events that the whole country will be talking about tomorrow.
*yawn*
They say that every time.
The host reaches a new low when he describes Becca as the virgin from San Diego, as if that's her only attribute.
Dear Women Everywhere,
Please stop signing up for this show.
The show begins with Chris' voice over about Whitney and Becca as he walks around the snow covered town of Arlington. He visits his family for some guidance.
Chris' mom says, "I would love to see him propose, but I don't think he knows what he wants."
Chris tells his family, "Just tell me which one to pick."
Okkkaaaay.
Whitney = Gosh Darn Adorable
Whitney is up first to meet the family. She wears plaid and her signature big necklace. She brings wine and flowers because she's a classy chick. "Gosh darn, am I freakin' nervous."
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abc.com She's soooo cute. I love Whitney.She says a lovely speech at the table about falling in love in with Chris and thanks his family for being so welcoming, and gosh darn...she made me tear up!
Stupid show...excuse me, something's in my eye.
Whitney sits down with Chris' sisters and talks about family and how she has no issues about how small Arlington is. She loves that his parents are close by and is ready to be part of the family.
Chris talk with his sisters who are now wearing "Team Whitney" T-shirts. But all he can talk about is Becca and how he's not sure why, but he really likes her.
Chris' sister sums it up best, "You're in this to find a wife, not a girlfriend."
When Whitney leaves, she tells Chris how much she loves him and his family. He kisses her back, but stays quiet.
Becca, the Enigma From San Diego
Chris is dealing with inner turmoil, folks. Whitney is a sure thing, but he can't stop mentioning Becca. She said when and if she falls in love with him, she's ready to move anywhere.
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abc.comWhen or if. If.
Up next is Becca, the virgin from San Diego. Actually, Becca is listed as a Chiropractors assistant.
Becca arrives with cookies! She's wearing a denim shirt. There's another big sit down brunch with the family. They joke about how small Arlington is. The whole table is laughing.
abc.com
Chris' sisters sit her down for the serious chat. Becca tells them if Chris picks her it will be a long distance relationship for some time before she is sure she loves him enough to move to Arlington.
Chris' sisters tell him he needs to start asking Becca tough questions. "You're not dating, you're looking for a wife."
Chris says, "How I feel is more important than anything she can tell me."
I think Chris likes Becca because she's not swoony all over him like Whitney.
Dummy. He deserves to be dumped by Becca. She'll drop his mid-west butt faster than you can say frost bite.
Becca tells his mom that she's falling in love with Chris but she's worried she'll lose him if she's not ready to move.
"You have to take risks," Chris' mom tells her. "And you're in charge of what happens with you and Chris not him, he's already there."
Becca tells the camera, "I'm not ready for a proposal."
At the kiss good-bye beside the truck, he tells her how great it was to see her and blah, blah, blah...she says nothing but kisses him back.
Whump. There it is!
Last Call
Before the last rose ceremony, Chris gets to spend more time with each girl.
He meets Becca at a swanky hotel for tough talk. Tough talk for Chris and Becca means sitting on the bed, making out and then saying stuff like, "What do you want? Where do you see yourself in five years?"
"I'm so excited to be with you," she says. "I know there's challenges. I can't make any promises about when I'll feel like I'm ready to move. Maybe it's because I've never felt like this before."
Um, no, Becca. When you love someone you want to be with them, it doesn't matter where they are.
What Chris should really be asking is, "Am I enough to make you want to move to Arlingon?"
Becca says, "All I know right now, is that I want you."
But not enough to move to Arlington, right?
I'm getting a little tired of Becca playing the 'I've never been in love before' card. I think she likes being untouchable.
Chris, dummy that he is, says, "I think we'll figure it out."
Whitney arrives for her final date!
Instead of a swanky hotel, he takes her to his farm to help him harvest.
I'm pretty sure, he never would have chosen this for Becca.
I'm already hoping Whitney will sign up for the next season of The Bachelorette .
Whitney, bless her little soon to be broken heart, is so excited to be riding in his tractor. She says he looks pretty sexy.
Chris tells us he's worked so hard to build a life that he'll be able to welcome in a wife and riase a family.
Right, that's why he think Becca is perfect.
*rolls eyes*
Whitney goes through his house and says. "I feel like I'm home."
Chris is all polite and big smiles, but superficial.
Poor Whitney. She doesn't even know what's coming.
They have a date that night at the swanky hotel. Chris tells us he's hoping for that a-ha moment. Translation: I wish Becca loved me the way Whitney does.
Whitney then asks Chris to be completely honest with her because this is their last moment to have a real talk before the rose ceremony. He asks her, "Why are you so sure about us?"
She gives him a lovely articulate answer. "The way you make me feel when we're together tells me everything I need to know. I'm ready for a life with you."
Chris responds, "I like being with you right here."
Whitney is starting to figure it out, I think. "As good as I feel about our connection, I have no control over this whole process. But I have to have faith, so I'm taking my heart out of my chest and basically placing it in his hands."
*cries for Whitney*
The Big Day
Chris and the girls prepare for the last rose ceremony...
He mumbles about not getting any clarity. He shaves, puts on his best suit and waits inside the barn for the girls to arrive.
He says, "I'm worried about making a mistake."
Dude, no one stays together. Relax.
Becca arrives in a deep red velvet gown. He welcomes her to his barn. He begins talking about how comfortable she makes him, and how he can see them having a future together.
He stole that line from Whitney!
She smiles. Then he says, "But you're not ready. You are here because I felt it and I wanted it to happen so badly...he cries...but I'm not the guy who can give you what you need."
Captain Obvious nods in agreement.
She says, "We've been so open and honest with each other. You're going to be an incredible husband and father."
For someone else.
Then he walks her out to the limo. "It's all right," she whispers.
Chris does some lower lip biting and gazing into the sunset. He's soon a mess while she's in the limo saying calmly, "If I can't fall in love with Chris, maybe I'm never going to fall in love."
Whitney arrives in her black off the shoulder floor length gown.
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abc.comShe's already nodding and saying yes before he's even said anything. Whitney is shaking, "I've never been disappointed during this entire journey with you. From the very beginning I've always know. I'm so scared right now. I love you."
If he doesn't propose I'm going to beat him up.
He says everything about this moment feels right. And how they want the same things. Then he finally says, "I love you." He gets down on one knee and proposes. Whitney almost passes out.
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abc.comDear ABC,
Where's the shocking twist?
In the tradition of bad TV, ABC announced that The Bachelorette will have two women and twenty five men who get to pick who will make the better wife.
*Vomits in mouth*
And guess who is signing up? Britt and Kaitlyn. Can you say therapy?
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