L.C. Barlow's Blog, page 7

A Wonderful Surprise!

Listen up all you self-publishers!

I thought that Amazon no longer did perma free books. But they do! And I discovered tonight, as I casually glanced at my book's rating on Amazon, that they have put my book up permanently free. I've already had nearly 100 downloads in just one day, (and that's at 7:20 PM).

If you don't know, let me elaborate on what all of this means.

Months ago, while doing research on the best tactics to advertise one's self-published book, almost all successful self-publishers had one major piece of advice: make your first book permanently free. At first (even though I had had 1200 downloads when my book was first made free for 5 days on Kindle's KDP advertising), I kind of scoffed at this, but as my sales dwindled at the $1.99-$3.99 range, I dropped my book's price on Amazon ultimately to $0.99. Still, sales were difficult to get. So, I finally made my book free on Smashwords. I advertised on Facebook for that free Smashwords copy (about $1.50 a day for the advertising). And, luckily, on Smashwords I started to receive quite a few more downloads.

In the articles that I had read, they recommended making your book free on Smashwords and encouraging people (friends, perhaps) to complain to Amazon that the price was lower elsewhere (Amazon has a policy that they will meet the lowest price of a book).

Well, I did not encourage anyone to raise hell to Amazon that the price was cheaper on Smashwords because on more recent blogs many were complaining about how difficult it was to get Amazon to make a book permanently free. Bloggers made it seem like a hopeless venture, so I assumed it was indeed hopeless. It appears I assumed wrong.

The thing about free books is that the likelihood of their actually being read by downloaders is a much smaller percentage than by those who actually pay $3-4 for a book. That's because, without investment, there's less motivation. This is not, however, true for ALL who download books for free. This is why making a book permanently free is better than making a book free for a small five-day window.

Of course, I'm not getting paid for these downloads, but the point is that my book is getting out there, getting noticed by far more readers, and that is more the point, I think, than making a few dollars here and there. Plus, my desire is, first and foremost, for my work to connect with readers.

In short, I'm so freaking excited. 100 downloads or more in a day is a miracle. I rejoice.

I'd like to make one final note: I do not believe I would have received so many downloads without 1. a good cover - which I owe to Bookfly Designs, and 2. Fantastic reviews, which I have received from so many GoodReads members. To you, I owe so much. You will never ever know. Thank you! If I could toast with each and every one of you, I would.

Instead, I suppose I'll have to drink my glass of champagne, as well as yours... and yours, and yours, and yours...;-)

Anyways, I'll keep you updated on how this all turns out. But my advice, thus far in the self-publishing process, is to somehow, someway, get Amazon to make your book permanently free.

And L.C. went Squee! Squee! Squee! all the way home.

http://www.amazon.com/Pivot-Jack-Harp...

Update at 8:30 PM: Pivot is now in the top 100 horror books on Amazon (#95).

I Passed My Thesis Defense!!!

I passed my thesis defense! I am freeeeeeeeee!!!! Okay... not quite, but close enough.

The thesis defense? It was rough. It was hell. It was kind of like being forced to hurdle over obstacles, all of which made me fall. Then, by happenstance, or some miracle, I discovered I got first place in the hurdling race. It was an odd journey. As said before, it was hard. But it was not traumatizing. Of course, after your German host family accuses you of being a murderer, the bar of trauma via social discussion is set a bit high.

But I passed with NO REVISIONS!!! Yippee!!!

Nothing that I had studied or prepared for the thesis defense helped me. They asked questions I never could have anticipated. Many were "What if..." questions. Many questions were over theory. Many questions were terribly confusing, and some asked me to reapply my theories in other places, with other theories, spur the moment. It was quite challenging.

Everybody had a straight face like they were willing to kick me out of the school at any moment. But, at the end, after I left the room to let them make a decision and returned, they were all smiling, hugging me, shaking my hand, congratulating me. It was all so... odd. I think this may be what living with a bipolar person is like.

In any case, if anyone would like to read my thesis (Breaking Trauma's Empire: Trauma and Resolution in Boardwalk Empire and Breaking Bad), let me know. I'll send it to you via e-mail.

There were problems with the thesis, but there was nothing that needs to be mended before I submit it as my thesis. Those things only need to be mended if, say, I use it for another project, or I take it to a conference.

I now have a huge decision to make as to HOW I'm going to go about getting my PhD. They are offering me free tuition and funding, but there are certain requirements that come with that, which bites into my time, and reduces the number of hours on which I can write fiction. Then again, fiction is not paying the bills... well, maybe one tiny bill here and there. I need to figure out my priorities.

In any case, I'm taking the time to relax a bit. I have a throat infection that I haven't gotten over yet because of the stress. Drinking some tea to help it get better. Rinsing with salt water. Etc.

Anyways, I realized I haven't ever really put up any pictures of myself, and Ashlie took a great one in the relaxing and successful aftermath of my conquering the M.A.. Here I am, wrapped in the scarf that Ashlie knitted me, relaxing in a booth at Bread Winners after a long night of shopping. I hate to say it because it makes me sound like all the other addicts out there, but I. Love. Shopping. It gets the endorphins going like nothing else. Thanks to Ashlie for the scarf! Love it!

Why So Serious?

Excellent news! Pivot's book cover - created by the fabulous James at Bookfly Designs - won an award!

http://www.thebookdesigner.com/2013/1...

The award is a gold star from e-Book Cover Design Awards. Pivot even received a medal, which can be seen on the bottom of this site: http://www.bookflydesign.com/

So happy!

Thanks to James and Kira, yet again. James, as I have said before, is a fabulous cover designer. I laud him greatly, and I hope he has a well-deserved sense of satisfaction.

On a completely separate tangent, I found an interesting quote the other day by Margaret Atwood - author of the Madaddam trilogy (oh how I LOVE that title)- on writing out of chronological order. She says:

"I didn't originally intend to write three. But I am a Victorianist, and therefore familiar with modes of storytelling that are not linear. In fact very old writing tends not to be simply plot-driven and linear. The 1001 Nights, for instance. The Iliad, the Odyssey, And in the 19th C, Frankenstein, Wuthering Heights, The Turn of the Screw, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.. boxes with boxes, stories within stories. I suppose I like layers of experience: it looks like this from here, but go down here and a whole different vista opens up. As happens when we meet a person, then delve into who they really are. Never judge a person by lipstick alone."

Boxes with boxes. Stories within stories. Does that ring a bell? I love it, too.

A text that pivots is like a body out of place, waiting for alignment. Or, as though written on the flesh of rose petals and thrust into the air.;-) The pieces scatter everywhere.

Not only that, but - as in the case of Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five - the bitter can only be taken with the better. If the past is too dark, too dirty, too frightening, the only way to take that pill is with a little sugar, a little magic in the mix. But when it mixes... there's sometimes no knowing what was really in the past, what is in the present, where the magic and the horror lie. Sometimes there is no knowing where we're going. These kinds of texts are the best, I believe. The ones that take you to the brink of what is knowable and then give a little push to make you topple.

Cover Approved!

So excited! BookFly Design has made an incredible cover for Pivot, and I have finalized it. In the next two days, you can kiss the stock-photo flames goodbye. Well... that is, unless you already have a copy with the flames, and then I suggest you invest in a beautiful book cover. Or, you can just e-mail me, and I'll send you a new copy.

I think that Pivot is somewhat difficult to create a cover for, and I am amazed at James's ability to come up with something appropriate. It is not something I would have thought of; however, it does follow my guidelines perfectly. I did not want pictures of any characters. Rather, I wanted an interesting and perhaps ineffable image that could capture the tone of the book without being too literal. I also wanted a cover that stands out, is different from the usual, that has effective contrasts. Most importantly, I wanted a cover that opened up a place for the viewer - that makes one's mind go round and round. James was able to create all of this. If you are interested in a fantastic company that creates book covers, Bookfly Design is the place to go: http://www.bookflydesign.com/portfolio/

Keep an eye out for the new cover, and let me know what you think.

In other news, my thesis is going... swimmingly? I mean, as swimmingly as a thesis can go. I have finished altering the third chapter as per my Professor's guidance, and now there are only two chapters left to revise and edit. Then, I will send it off to the other two professors on my committee - one of whom is from Yale (no pressure there) - and then I defend. I have yet to come up with the thesis title. I need to get on that.

I am also currently applying to the PhD program at my school. I am extremely happy where I am, and I loathe the idea of leaving. When I went to Texas A&M, I hated the place. Now that I am in a school I enjoy, it makes no sense to abandon it. I truly click with my professors, and that is something special. I know I'm pretty lucky.

This semester will, however, be my last semester at the community college where I work. It is both sad and a blessing. I have been there 3 and a half years. I am trying to move further Northwest, though, closer to where my University is, and to do so, I must leave my job in the Southeast. I should be able to adjunct at the University, though, and that, I think, will be much better. Or, I can apply for a full-time job at a community college up North. Either way, it is time to transition. This semester has been a tough one.

Well, it is late, and I should be headed off to bed. I will leave you with a warm cuddly feeling, though. Have a look at this: http://www.world-actuality.com/index....

Have a good night.

Is It Healthy to Write Violence, Or, in the Words of My Host Family, "Are You a Murderer?"

Recently, Warren Ellis - author and commentator - posted an article on the need for violent literature. You can find it here: http://www.vulture.com/2013/08/warren...

Ellis essentially states that, rather than leaving horrific acts outside of the societal set, it is necessary to write about them, to understand them. In other words, it is necessary not to /repress/ them. I am genuinely curious what you think about this. Do you agree with Ellis and believe that violent literature is a way of understanding a perhaps ever-increasingly violent culture? Or, do you believe that violent literature creates that violent culture?

I am going to make a confession. This summer, I went to Germany and stayed with a host family for two months. I was there to teach their daughter conversational English. Many of the aspects of the visit were wonderful. The family was welcoming and gracious, and I have nearly no complaints about staying with them. Except for one. In one of our first discussions, the father of the family asked me, "Are you a murderer? Are you thinking about murdering?"

Unbeknownst to me, Pivot - which I had self-published just one to two months prior to arriving - the host family father had found, purchased, and started reading. He surprised me with this information as soon as I landed in Frankfurt - again, note, I haven't even told my friends or family yet that I have self-published this novel - and so it was a double surprise that he was into the fifth or so chapter.

Many of the questions he asked me in concern with the book were leading and always dealt with my state of mind while writing the novel. Confronted with his, what I felt to be unwarranted, suspicions, I entered a state of shock. I was wondering for weeks if they were actually wondering if I was a murderer.

This still disturbs me.

The father did not bring up this type of question once, or twice, but four different times, and I really did not know what to tell him, except, "It's important to keep a firm divide between fantasy and reality." His main concern, I think, was that there were deaths of children in the novel. I can kind of see that concern, but at the same time, horror is always associated with childhood. Look at The Exorcist, Poltergeist, The Omen, Orphan, Let the Right One In, Silent Hill, Children of the Corn, Children of the Damned, Pet Sematary, The Good Son, Firestarter, Insidious, Interview with the Vampire, Carrie, and on and on... Childhood is the safest time, and the most horrifying moments are when the safest points in one's life are no longer safe. This is why horror is always connected with childhood innocence.

I suppose I could have told him that. I also could have told him that in grad school we are taught Burke's "Death of the Author" - the theory that essentially says a work authors the writer, not the other way around. In other words, a writer can never be entirely and wholly responsible for that which is written. There is always something beyond, something that transcends what the author intends. This is why in grad school, we are not supposed to discuss the author's connection with the work, but rather the work itself, and only the work itself. Yes, I could have told him this.

I did not, however. I was in too much of a shock to say anything. The idea that I could be unwanted or a burden on a family I was supposed to stay with for two months was daunting. Not only this, but from the very beginning of our relationship, it seemed as though I started at -50 points. I had to prove to them that I was not malicious, not a murderer. I still ask myself when I think back on this, "What the hell?"

I am not the only one to experience this phenomena, of course. I simply did not /expect/ to experience a reader reaction such as this... ever. I am a small, fairly unknown, self-published author. But, nevertheless, surprise. It was my first experience with a reader.

Laurel K. Hamilton in a blog post recently discussed such negative comments by readers. You can find her post here: http://www.laurellkhamilton.org/2006/...

Perhaps the most surprising thing in Hamilton's blog post was that she says there are some readers who will stand in line for three hours at a book signing merely to come to her table and say, "This book is horrible, and you are a horrible person for writing it." Either the work is too graphic, too sexual, or too uncomfortable for them, and they feel the need to tell her this and smile at her while they do it, while she signs the book. But these people wait in line for HOURS to tell her this. "Why?" she asks. "Why?" I ask, as well.

The father that asked me, "Is it that you are a murderer, or that you are thinking about murdering?" also connected his own daughter, whom I was supposed to teach, to Jack's youth. In addition, he told me, "I let my friend take a look at your story, and he asked, 'How can you let her around your children?'" Later, he explained he was joking, when he said this. Still, there is a reason the father chose to relate this joke to me, just like there is a reason this was all he ever asked about the book. It was never about the plot, the prose, the mixture of action with dialogue, the pacing, or anything else. It was, instead, "Why did you write it?" as though there was something wrong with me. "Is this your dark half?" Yes, he literally asked me that, just two days after I arrived.

Frankly, I've seen much darker movies and read much darker works. Just look at Pahlaniuk's book /Haunted/, for instance. It's good, it's gory, it scares people. And guess what, that's horror. If it didn't disturb you, well, we would call it fantasy.

I am not sure if it is good or bad that I had this experience with the father of my German host family. It was a horrible experience, of course, but it is also perhaps one that I should maybe learn early and come to expect. One that every horror author has. Perhaps it is best for me to know now that author and work, much like actor and character, become blurred for some.

I also ask the question of you and of myself, "Would you react any differently?" If you are a host to an English teacher, and you discover that he or she has written a book you would deem dark or disturbing or horrific - if Pahlaniuk was living in your house for two months - would you confront him or her? Would you be concerned? Would you say anything?

Personally, I'm not sure how I would react in such a situation. I do not have children, and I am sure that being a father or mother makes some people far more cautious, far more paranoid.

At the same time, I also wonder if the fact that Pivot is self-published had anything to do with his hesitation, his questions. Do people feel they are given permission to enjoy novels from, or can give permission to, authors who are published by one of the big five? Would you feel safe with Pahlaniuk, but terrified with a self-publisher? What is the difference between amateur and professional? Is a "professional" work less likely to be made by a murderer than an "amateur" one? What I'm getting at is that there are biases against self-publishers, and I do believe I have stumbled upon one of the ugliest ones out there.

"You are not Stephen King. It is not as though you can go to a police station and ask for tips or stories. So, how did you come up with this work?" Yes, the father of my host family asked me that as well. Do you think he would have believed me if I said, "I made it up. I sat there, at my desk, or chair, or couch, or bed, and I made it up."? No, I don't believe he would have. Otherwise, he wouldn't have asked me in the first place.

I repeat this story to so many people because, truly, I don't understand it in its entirety, and each time I repeat it, I hope that all will become crystal. Those nights in their backyard, when he questioned me, marked the moment when I realized I could be deemed outside the societal set with the very horror that I write. That's hard. But, maybe inevitable.

Writing horror is what I want to do. This is what I want more than anything. And maybe I have to accept that I'm going to get strange reactions to that which I love to do.

At least I don't have to live with those readers if I don't want to. Now I understand why Stephen King wrote Misery. Living with a fan, or a negative fan, or a reader who thinks you might be a murderer is the purest form of misery. Even though this host family was fairly good, kind, helpful, and maybe realized they had hurt my feelings, the father of my host family never apologized for asking or saying these things - denied them entirely when I brought them up with him - and so there was always a tension strung in the air... for two months. That, I have to say, was more horrifying to me than any of King's or Koontz's or Pahlaniuk's novels. The host family's father had not even finished Pivot when he said these things. How was I to know how he would react when he reached the middle or the end? I gritted my teeth and got through the experience, but I am still unsure just what the experience was all about, why he said those things. Most of all, I still am not sure if I should have simply left the family at the beginning of my stay.

How would you have reacted? What do you think about the relation of author to work, of actor to character, of violence to society, of horror to reader? Do you fear self-publishers who write horror? What kind of permissiveness, if any, is there in professional publication? How should horror writers deal with these uncomfortable situations?

"He was at his best when the going was good."

Good news!

BookGorilla.com has agreed to advertise my novel in November (far enough away that Pivot's new cover will already be added). In addition, it will be a "starred" novel, meaning that all individuals who signed up to receive notifications about horror books will see Pivot in the first 12 or 15 books listed. I am very excited! And interested to see where this goes. I will, of course, rant or rave about the results whenever the date comes to pass.

Currently my two other advertising targets are BookBub and eReader News Today. I'm not sure ENT will accept my novel because they are very exacting about barring anything graphic or with controversial material. Though "controversial" is subjective. At the same time, I'm not sure how one writes a horror book without containing either graphic or controversial material. I applied to them yesterday. We shall see what they say.

I have yet to apply to BookBub because I'm waiting for the new cover from Bookfly Designs. BookBub judges based on the cover of the novel, whereas BookGorilla (at least I think) does not. Best not to give BookBub a reason to reject me if I don't have to, so I am waiting.

I was told that I would have the first draft of the new cover for Pivot by the end of this week. That means it could be tomorrow or Friday when I get it. Has Christmas already arrived, or am I hallucinating from lack of sleep again? Wait... wait, yes. It's lack of sleep. Still excited.

Editing my thesis, it turns out, is a lot harder than actually writing it. My eyes are now rejecting the computer screen. I don't blame them. My thesis only had to be 65 pages long, and though I shot for 65 pages, it morphed into an unwieldy 120. I'm really not sure how this always happens, but 120 pages of editing is far more insanity-provoking than 65 pages. I'm almost nauseous.

Don't get me wrong. I love my thesis. The subject of it is trauma and its resolutions in television - specifically the television shows Boardwalk Empire, Breaking Bad, and Homeland. Whenever I finish it - if I ever do - I might post it on here for any poor soul who wants to fumble through Lacanian psychoanalysis. Oh my gosh, I hope my defense goes well. I never speak as well as I write, and even my writing isn't always coherent. One of the bars close to campus is going to receive a lot of business late November.

Also...
My Twilight Zone experience for this month is the following:

My Mother found an old paper from the World Trade Center dated December 26, 1974, addressed to a man with the same exact name as her husband and my father, located in the same office she now works. How strange is that?

I wanted to scan the paper and post it online, but she would not let me.

These are the sorts of experiences that make novels.

Also, there is the following... This is practically meaningless, but it makes me terribly happy. Anne Rice is one of my favorite authors ever. So, of course, I follow Anne Rice on Facebook. Well, one evening I saw a random article about a professor and author named David Gilmour, a man who says that he refuses to teach women or read books by women because they are inferior. Of course, I thought that Anne Rice might be interested in such an awful statement, and I posted it on her wall. I woke the next morning to find this:

Post by Anne Rice.

That is one of the most fantastic things to wake up to.

I will end this post with my word of the day: paraprosdokian. If there ever was a word that denoted a cause coming AFTER the effect, this would be it, and it's lovely. "It's like God spilled a human." That is paraprosdokian.

For All You Potential Readers, Reviewers, and Self-Publishers

Updates on Pivot:

I feel the need to relate the difficulties and successes of self-publishing for a moment and give a behind-the-scenes look at what I have done for Pivot:

Pre-pub:

1.) First, of course, I finished the book. I thought it was a damn good one. There is no way of knowing for sure, however, without feedback, because 1.) after you work and rework something, it all becomes an unknowable and chaotic mess, and 2.) I'm not blind to the fact that probably all self-publishers think their book is damn good. To get /honest/ feedback, friends are not the place to go because they either 1.) really don't want to read your work, 2.) don't have time to, 3.) are going to give you false positivity, or even worse, 4.) they are going to give you so much negativity that it kills your love of writing. It is very unlikely that friends and family are going to review your book in the way that you would like them to - sincerely, genuinely, but not too harshly. The first reviews to come in needed to be distant for me. Even now, only one friend currently knows that I have self-published this book. I haven't told my family, my friends, etc..

2.) Charging people money for a book is a way of making sure it doesn't go too far at first. It's a way to reign it in before the reviews start. I needed to know if people would connect with my book or not. So, I started with charging $2.99 for it, and I did not invest too much into the cover. Why invest $300, if the book is potentially going to be reviewed as the most horrible thing ever written? My ultimate plan was: I love Pivot, but if the world deems that this book is shit, I'm taking it down, and that will be the end of it.

Pub:

1.) I thought Amazon's KDP would be helpful for those 5 days in which they allow you to give away your book for free. I advertised on Facebook for it, and I was fairly successful. It was expensive, however, and even though I had approximately 1200 downloads of my book, not a single person reviewed it on Amazon. I found this to be strange. In addition, in KDP, you only get 5 free download days every 3 months. That is not long enough for anything to permeate for the long-term. Unless your series is already built and humming along, using KDP alone is insanity.

2.) So, I switched to GoodReads, and I had far more success. Sending out physical books to those that were interested in Pivot's topic allowed for far more ratings and reviews. In addition, it is wonderful to interact with readers and get feedback on aspects of the book. There have been many praises of Pivot in terms of 1.) the quality of the writing, 2.) the twists in plot, 3.) its enigmatic qualities, 4.) variety of characters, 5.) the intensity of the prose, 6.) its originality, 7.) the psychological aspects of it, 8.) something ineffably good about it. So far, the criticisms have been 1.) the beginning of the book is slow to build, 2.) the cover is terrible - it isn't up to par with the writing and it isn't relevant to what the book is about, and 3.) the book jumps around too much and/or is too violent. My point here is that people are /willing/ to discuss these aspects of the book with me, and that is fantastic. It can help me become a better writer, and it means that I'm not alone with wanting to see where these characters go, what Jack will become, and for the darkness and sublime mixture to continue to dazzle. GoodReads, because of these things, is 100% better than Amazon by far.

*Sending out physical books on GoodReads is pricey, though, and there is no way that I could get 1200 out there without spending $8400. Hehe... no.

Post-pub:

I am commissioning a custom cover for Pivot.

The time and money necessary for a quality cover are worth it. Pivot deserves it. My readers deserve it - I'd rather them not grimace every time they see those generic and pre-fabricated stock photo flames. It will be a few weeks, at least, before this cover is created, though.

In addition, I will probably give away 25 free paperback copies of Pivot per week for as long as I possibly can. "Why?" you ask. Well...

To reach readers who want to read my book, 25 free copies are useful. But there is another reason: It's the reviews. At least twenty reviews (not ratings) are necessary for certain free or inexpensive advertisings of /quality/ books. The potential hitch is that the book's rating must be between 4 and 5 stars, and there is never any sure-fire guarantee that Pivot will receive that rating once its number of reviews on Amazon hits twenty and/or goes over.

But I'm chugging along and trying. It is better to try and fail than not try at all.

It's a damn good book, though. I believe so. I hope that you, whoever you are, agree.

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”

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Redeem at:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/digital/fio...

Alright, potential future readers. Above are 8 gift redemption codes for Pivot. Yes, they are gift codes that you can redeem, free of charge, on Amazon Kindle. That is, you can go to the Amazon link above, type in one of the codes listed, and obtain a free copy of Pivot. First come, first serve (though the probability is high that it will be a long time before they are all used, because not too many people read this blog).

If, by the time you read this, you try all of the codes and none of them work, send me a message. I'll make sure that you get a code for a free Kindle copy. If you do not own a Kindle, send me a message on GoodReads with a shipping address, and I will send you a free book.

Note on (10/14/13): Pivot is now FREE for download on Smashwords as well.

Happy Reading...

The Penguins

I met a guy today who said he used to clean up after the penguins at Seaworld. On one particular day, he said, he was scooping snow, and a particular penguin decided to hop on his shovel. Quite surprised, the guy thought it was entertaining and gave the penguin a ride like it was on a sled. The penguin liked it. Things took a turn for the worse, though, when all the other penguins got jealous and suddenly started attacking him for their turn on the shovel. By the end, it all became quite the traumatic moment. I can't stop laughing at this.

I told him it sounded like a deleted scene from Hitchcock's /Birds/.

In addition, strangely enough, his shirt today had a penguin on it. Looking down, "Never forget," he said. "Never forget."

The Plant Burglar

One of my old friend's from High School lives a block away with his family (he's in major debt, don't judge him! lol). In any case, someone has been stealing his Mother's plants from their front yard. I find this odd because he lives on the OTHER side of Westmoreland, meaning the better neighborhood than mine.

First, it was a set of three potted plants and their holder that disappeared.

Then it was another plant on their doorstep.

What's so terrible about this is they were gone for the weekend, and /I/ was the one watering their plants. Strangely enough, I never missed any of them. I mean, I did stand there and think, "Didn't she used to have more of these plants?" but I thought my memory was off - it's certainly not what it used to be.

I kind of think they were stolen the day I skipped watering them (the day it rained).

So, when the family had to leave again just a week later, they requested that I stay at their house. I did. And I kept almost all the lights on all the time until 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning. And I played the television, and worked on my thesis, and I do believe all of this light and noise and concentration was intimidating to any possible intruders. AND, I must say, no plants were stolen. Victory!

The family returned on Sunday, and one week later, after a night in which they are all at home, ALL of their plants are missing from their front yard. All 11 potted plants are gone now.

Who does this? Who steals plants??? What kind of terrible mind lurks on my side of Westmoreland (I can only assume this, since my neighborhood is worse), crawls across to my friend's side of Westmoreland, steals his Mother's plants, and then laughs mercilessly into the night as he decorates his backyard?

A villain of the highest degree. With a beautiful, beautiful garden.

Maybe one day, by happenstance I'll visit that house, maybe needing to use the phone, and feel an uncanny sensation that I have seen his backyard, or his indoor potted plants, before. And then I'll realize they are the ones I used to water. And then I'll look at him and say, "Why did you steal my friend's potted plants?? Why??" And there will be a little tear in my eye.

Actually, it probably wasn't from my side of Westmoreland. Over here, they know the kinds of things actually worth stealing. What my friend has is either an amateur or a highfalutin thief. Or a teenager doing "crazy" teenage things.

In either case, I hope they put up some gorgeous, irresistible hydrangeas or azaleas and videotape him or her in the act.

Someone needs to take action. Someone's got to stop the terror.