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December 13, 2015
Poppy Love
The black widow pins me to my chair and devours my soul. My body wrecked, my mind numb, and yet, I’m drawn again and again into her web.
I kneel in supplication at her altar, despite the ravages of my body and mind, I am addicted to my dominatrix; my goddess of nothingness.
Trapped, I can find no escape.
Stepping out of my body, I watch indifferent as my body wastes away like autumn’s fall, leaving only the hollow shell of myself to face another day.
Gripping the needle in blood stained fingers I strap myself in for another ride.
I kneel in supplication at her altar, despite the ravages of my body and mind, I am addicted to my dominatrix; my goddess of nothingness.
Trapped, I can find no escape.
Stepping out of my body, I watch indifferent as my body wastes away like autumn’s fall, leaving only the hollow shell of myself to face another day.
Gripping the needle in blood stained fingers I strap myself in for another ride.
December 12, 2015
The Elf on the Shelf
They spent many long weeks finding new and amusing ways to inflict torment upon the unfortunate Elf. First, they dressed him up in garish red garb with matching hat. Then, he was humiliated him, forcing him to enact embarrassing sexual deviances with various stuffed animals; things that no Elf should be forced to endure.
To make matters worse, they recorded their vile deprivations and posted lurid pictures of the Elf’s captivity to friends and relatives, far and wide.
Finally, after a particularly rowdy drunken mid-winter celebration, the Orcs cut off and ate the Elf’s extremities before finally slaying poor Legolas.
To make matters worse, they recorded their vile deprivations and posted lurid pictures of the Elf’s captivity to friends and relatives, far and wide.
Finally, after a particularly rowdy drunken mid-winter celebration, the Orcs cut off and ate the Elf’s extremities before finally slaying poor Legolas.
December 6, 2015
Carol Singing in the Phoenix Park
Deccy was always up for a bit of craic, but even he was having second thoughts about this latest dare. The weather was bitterly cold to be out and about, even with his overcoat, hat, scarf and mitts, he could feel the bite of the wintry wind.
He could hear his mates snickering from their hiding place in the bushes as he started walking down the path. He had to admit, despite the cold wind, it was a nice day to be walking in the Phoenix Park.
He strolled around, waiting for the right moment to complete his dare. He didn’t have to wait long. Coming the other way was a pretty young woman, overburdened with Christmas shopping. She was a perfect candidate for his prank.
Deccy had been to art college and prided himself on his professionalism, even though he’d yet to make it big in acting. Still, you never knew when you might bump into a talent scout, so he always tried to give his best performance.
Clearing his throat theatrically, he started a rendition of Silent Night as he walked along beside the young lady, wooing her with his Bing Crosby impersonation. She tried to ignore him, but despite her best efforts, he could see a smile creeping into her rosy cheeks.
By the time he started Jingle Bells, she had stopped walking altogether and was watching him prance around her as he sung.
As the song came to its chirpy conclusion, she was even humming along.
That was when he whipped open his raincoat to reveal his nakedness.
Her eyes went wide with surprise, but he didn’t hang around to see what she would do next. He turned and raced off as fast as his gangly legs could carry him.
He didn’t get far, however.
Just his luck that she was an off-duty Garda, but to make matters worse, she happened to play full back for Clontarf’s ladies rugby team.
His legs went out from under him as she tackled him to the ground.
“I think we need to take a trip down to the station, don’t you?” she said, twisting his arm behind his back to negate any objections.
Once handcuffed, she dragged him back to where she had left her shopping, and made him carry the bags all the way down the road to the local Garda barracks, where she placed him in an interview room and left him to sweat.
Was it just his imagination, or had he heard giggling as he sat there, waiting?
He looked at the mirror on the wall, trying to see through it to the room on the other side. All he could see was a reflection of himself.
Always the performer, he struck a pose. He couldn’t help himself.
Yes. He could definitively hear giggling now. It sounded like a Hen Night was going on next door.
Finally, the interview room door opened, and the young woman walked in. She was accompanied by a colleague, a stern-faced male Garda with bushy eyebrows.
The lady Garda was now in uniform, Usually, they were anything but flattering, but she managed to pull it off quite well. Actually, if he was honest, she looked damned sexy in it.
Deccy flushed with embarrassment and quickly headed back to his seat, as he had been in mid-pose when the door burst open.
“I think we’ve had quite enough of your fooling around for one evening, don’t you?” the male Garda asked. “You gave Garda Jennings here quite a shock earlier and exposing yourself in public is no laughing matter.”
The female Garda tried to hide a smile.
Crestfallen, Deccy started to apologies, explaining that it had been a stupid bet with his mates. He pleaded for leniency for this, his first offence. “I’m not a perv, or anything. Honest I’m not! It was just a joke. I’m sorry, really I am!”
“Mmmm,” replied the male Garda, clearly unconvinced.
They sat in silence for a few moments, while Deccy sweated nervously.
Finally, Garda Jennings spoke, “I suppose we could let him off this once, with just a warning … being that it’s Christmas and all.” Turning to Deccy, she added, “but I better not find out that you’ve been doing anything else like this again, or there’ll be hell to pay! Do you understand?”
“But…!” the male officer started to object, clearly intent on showing Deccy the full rigours of the law. He’d have thrown the book at Deccy, if he could only find one heavy enough.
“No, I’m not pressing charges,” insisted Garda Jennings. “Not this time.”
“Anyway,” she added. “Technically, he didn’t actually expose himself earlier. That willy warmer he was wearing prevented that … and I have to admit … the mistletoe was a nice touch!”
More giggling could be heard, coming from the adjacent room.
The male Garda cleared his throat, clearly unhappy at how things were turning out, but his hands were tied. If the young man wasn’t being charged, he had no option but to release him without charge. No file would be sent to the Public Prosecutor on this particular matter.
“So you’re free to go,” Garda Jennings concluded, “But I warn you, I’ve got my eye on you.”
Deccy rose nervously from his seat, not believing his luck.
“Come on, I’ll show you out,” she added, also rising from her seat.
He followed her out of the room, admiring the way her backside snugly fitted into those blue woollen trousers. Outside, in the corridor, he passed a small cluster of female Garda, who wolf whistled at him as he shuffled passed.
Deccy flushed with embarrassment, but always the entertainer, he flashed them a smile and gave them a cheeky wink. “Merry Christmas everyone,” he added as he was led to the doors of the station.
Garda Jennings opened the door and held it open for him.
“Thanks again. I promise, I’ll be on my best behaviour from now on.”
He could see the sun shining off the wet cobbled streets outside. He could almost taste his freedom and felt light-headed with relief. As he passed through the portal, a feeling of elation overcame him. He wanted to dance down the street.
Just then, a heavy hand fell upon his shoulder.
“Hang on a minute!”
‘Shit!’ thought Deccy. They’d been winding him up. He was going to spend Christmas in prison, after all.
He turned around nervously.
It was Garda Jennings. She had followed him outside. “Remember, I’ve got my eye on you ….” she said. “Oh, and by the way, I’ll finish my shift at eight, if you fancy going for out a drink.”
Deccy was too flabbergasted to answer.
“But put some clothes on this time …”
“ I will!” he mumbled, smiling. “Eight, it is then!”
“Oh, and don’t forget to bring the mistletoe…”
He could hear his mates snickering from their hiding place in the bushes as he started walking down the path. He had to admit, despite the cold wind, it was a nice day to be walking in the Phoenix Park.
He strolled around, waiting for the right moment to complete his dare. He didn’t have to wait long. Coming the other way was a pretty young woman, overburdened with Christmas shopping. She was a perfect candidate for his prank.
Deccy had been to art college and prided himself on his professionalism, even though he’d yet to make it big in acting. Still, you never knew when you might bump into a talent scout, so he always tried to give his best performance.
Clearing his throat theatrically, he started a rendition of Silent Night as he walked along beside the young lady, wooing her with his Bing Crosby impersonation. She tried to ignore him, but despite her best efforts, he could see a smile creeping into her rosy cheeks.
By the time he started Jingle Bells, she had stopped walking altogether and was watching him prance around her as he sung.
As the song came to its chirpy conclusion, she was even humming along.
That was when he whipped open his raincoat to reveal his nakedness.
Her eyes went wide with surprise, but he didn’t hang around to see what she would do next. He turned and raced off as fast as his gangly legs could carry him.
He didn’t get far, however.
Just his luck that she was an off-duty Garda, but to make matters worse, she happened to play full back for Clontarf’s ladies rugby team.
His legs went out from under him as she tackled him to the ground.
“I think we need to take a trip down to the station, don’t you?” she said, twisting his arm behind his back to negate any objections.
Once handcuffed, she dragged him back to where she had left her shopping, and made him carry the bags all the way down the road to the local Garda barracks, where she placed him in an interview room and left him to sweat.
Was it just his imagination, or had he heard giggling as he sat there, waiting?
He looked at the mirror on the wall, trying to see through it to the room on the other side. All he could see was a reflection of himself.
Always the performer, he struck a pose. He couldn’t help himself.
Yes. He could definitively hear giggling now. It sounded like a Hen Night was going on next door.
Finally, the interview room door opened, and the young woman walked in. She was accompanied by a colleague, a stern-faced male Garda with bushy eyebrows.
The lady Garda was now in uniform, Usually, they were anything but flattering, but she managed to pull it off quite well. Actually, if he was honest, she looked damned sexy in it.
Deccy flushed with embarrassment and quickly headed back to his seat, as he had been in mid-pose when the door burst open.
“I think we’ve had quite enough of your fooling around for one evening, don’t you?” the male Garda asked. “You gave Garda Jennings here quite a shock earlier and exposing yourself in public is no laughing matter.”
The female Garda tried to hide a smile.
Crestfallen, Deccy started to apologies, explaining that it had been a stupid bet with his mates. He pleaded for leniency for this, his first offence. “I’m not a perv, or anything. Honest I’m not! It was just a joke. I’m sorry, really I am!”
“Mmmm,” replied the male Garda, clearly unconvinced.
They sat in silence for a few moments, while Deccy sweated nervously.
Finally, Garda Jennings spoke, “I suppose we could let him off this once, with just a warning … being that it’s Christmas and all.” Turning to Deccy, she added, “but I better not find out that you’ve been doing anything else like this again, or there’ll be hell to pay! Do you understand?”
“But…!” the male officer started to object, clearly intent on showing Deccy the full rigours of the law. He’d have thrown the book at Deccy, if he could only find one heavy enough.
“No, I’m not pressing charges,” insisted Garda Jennings. “Not this time.”
“Anyway,” she added. “Technically, he didn’t actually expose himself earlier. That willy warmer he was wearing prevented that … and I have to admit … the mistletoe was a nice touch!”
More giggling could be heard, coming from the adjacent room.
The male Garda cleared his throat, clearly unhappy at how things were turning out, but his hands were tied. If the young man wasn’t being charged, he had no option but to release him without charge. No file would be sent to the Public Prosecutor on this particular matter.
“So you’re free to go,” Garda Jennings concluded, “But I warn you, I’ve got my eye on you.”
Deccy rose nervously from his seat, not believing his luck.
“Come on, I’ll show you out,” she added, also rising from her seat.
He followed her out of the room, admiring the way her backside snugly fitted into those blue woollen trousers. Outside, in the corridor, he passed a small cluster of female Garda, who wolf whistled at him as he shuffled passed.
Deccy flushed with embarrassment, but always the entertainer, he flashed them a smile and gave them a cheeky wink. “Merry Christmas everyone,” he added as he was led to the doors of the station.
Garda Jennings opened the door and held it open for him.
“Thanks again. I promise, I’ll be on my best behaviour from now on.”
He could see the sun shining off the wet cobbled streets outside. He could almost taste his freedom and felt light-headed with relief. As he passed through the portal, a feeling of elation overcame him. He wanted to dance down the street.
Just then, a heavy hand fell upon his shoulder.
“Hang on a minute!”
‘Shit!’ thought Deccy. They’d been winding him up. He was going to spend Christmas in prison, after all.
He turned around nervously.
It was Garda Jennings. She had followed him outside. “Remember, I’ve got my eye on you ….” she said. “Oh, and by the way, I’ll finish my shift at eight, if you fancy going for out a drink.”
Deccy was too flabbergasted to answer.
“But put some clothes on this time …”
“ I will!” he mumbled, smiling. “Eight, it is then!”
“Oh, and don’t forget to bring the mistletoe…”
December 5, 2015
A Cry For Help
Dear Samaritans,
I tried to phone, but my other half, Derek, he watches me like a hawk. He’s very possessive, and his meds aren’t helping.
So I hope you can be my pen pal instead. I desperately need someone to talk to.
Over the last year I’ve come to realise that I’m living with a freaking psycho, a total nut job.
I‘m constantly being ridiculed, humiliated in public. He even went so far as to pin me down on a pool table and tattooed his name on my butt. He say’s I’m his bitch now, whether I like it or not.
When we are alone together, he’s even worse. He takes his frustrations out on me, physically … and yes, sexually too.
I don’t know where to turn.
I’ve considered going to the authorities, but that really wouldn’t work. No one likes a snitch in my community, so I bide my time and prayer for a better future. After all, he’s a good few years older than me, so I might outlive him.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m no angel.
I’ve done some really bad shit in my life, but this last year has been a living hell. I barely sleep at night for worry, and now, my hair is starting to fall out.
Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe, Derek will fall out of love with me and find someone else to abuse … someone younger …with a prettier face.
No – I wouldn’t wish Derek on anyone, and besides, that might not be a good idea.
They say he battered his last wife to death, which was why he ended up in here.
Me … it was a bank job that went wrong.
Yours,
Pat Farrelly
Cell Number 5489 Block D
Maximum Security Wing
Portlaoise Prison
I tried to phone, but my other half, Derek, he watches me like a hawk. He’s very possessive, and his meds aren’t helping.
So I hope you can be my pen pal instead. I desperately need someone to talk to.
Over the last year I’ve come to realise that I’m living with a freaking psycho, a total nut job.
I‘m constantly being ridiculed, humiliated in public. He even went so far as to pin me down on a pool table and tattooed his name on my butt. He say’s I’m his bitch now, whether I like it or not.
When we are alone together, he’s even worse. He takes his frustrations out on me, physically … and yes, sexually too.
I don’t know where to turn.
I’ve considered going to the authorities, but that really wouldn’t work. No one likes a snitch in my community, so I bide my time and prayer for a better future. After all, he’s a good few years older than me, so I might outlive him.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m no angel.
I’ve done some really bad shit in my life, but this last year has been a living hell. I barely sleep at night for worry, and now, my hair is starting to fall out.
Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe, Derek will fall out of love with me and find someone else to abuse … someone younger …with a prettier face.
No – I wouldn’t wish Derek on anyone, and besides, that might not be a good idea.
They say he battered his last wife to death, which was why he ended up in here.
Me … it was a bank job that went wrong.
Yours,
Pat Farrelly
Cell Number 5489 Block D
Maximum Security Wing
Portlaoise Prison
December 4, 2015
The Gift That Keeps On Giving
I hate shopping, even at the best of times, but the idea of strolling through a packed city centre in the middle of December, looking for gifts that I know will not be appreciated once they have been given, fills me with dread.
What I needed was a plan.
After long hours of thought, I think I have found a solution. It isn’t perfect, but nothing ever is, is it? Still, it could just work.
Whistling along to the insidiously happy Christmas tunes being bombarded down my radio until they are stuck in my head, I piled into the car and drive down to my local DIY store.
Naturally, they have converted half of the store into a Christmassy wonderland, hoping to cash in on the season’s madness, but eventually, I find what I wanted. After some haggling with the manager I even get a 10% reduction on my purchases too.
They are:
• A job lot of High Vis jackets, ranging in size from toddler to XXXL.
• Two dozen pairs of gardening gloves, again in a variety of colours and sizes.
• Some industrial strength refuse sacks.
• Some plain white card.
• Some wrapping paper, which depicts some drunken reindeers frolicking in the snow.
Once home, I set to work wrapping up my presents. When they are completed, I can finally sit down and relax in front of the fire, content in the warm glow of a job well done.
Next morning, I start work on the homemade Xmas cards. These will be included in the presents, (thus the white card). I find a suitable picture online that is perfect for the task. It shows a grubby, litter-strewn street, a common theme for anyone who has walked their dog on a Sunday morning. I download it for the front picture. Then I get to work on the inside. What should I write…?
Wishing you a Happy Xmas, and a very happy 2016.
I have purchased a very special gift for you and your family this Christmas, and hope that you will enjoy it together.
Inside the parcels provided is the gift of many hours of happiness for you all. It includes some social well-being, and time spent together with a common purpose, having a bit of craic with friends and neighbours, getting to meet new people, and doing something good for your community.
After all, the best gifts are the ones that you can share together.
Hopefully, it will bring your family closer again, as, if the gossip in the town is to be believed, things have been hard on you all these last few months, especially since that awful picture in last week’s Sunday paper. Infidelity is always a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s even worse when you have to share it your personal lives with every Tom Dick and Harry you meet.
Perhaps some time together as a family will help to save your marriage, and also the financial burden of the divorce courts.
Anyway, I hope you take advantage of this gift, for it is a gift that keeps on giving.
I have enrolled you in three months Tidy Town activity. It starts on Boxing Day at 10:30am and continues every Sunday until Spring. Hopefully, by then, you will found the joy that is missing from your lives, and will continue to use my gift long after its expiry date.
Happy Xmas to you all,
Love from your cousin
Nav
I rephrased the sentiment in the card, tailoring it to the particular family I chose to send the gift to, but kept the same positive touch to each message.
What I needed was a plan.
After long hours of thought, I think I have found a solution. It isn’t perfect, but nothing ever is, is it? Still, it could just work.
Whistling along to the insidiously happy Christmas tunes being bombarded down my radio until they are stuck in my head, I piled into the car and drive down to my local DIY store.
Naturally, they have converted half of the store into a Christmassy wonderland, hoping to cash in on the season’s madness, but eventually, I find what I wanted. After some haggling with the manager I even get a 10% reduction on my purchases too.
They are:
• A job lot of High Vis jackets, ranging in size from toddler to XXXL.
• Two dozen pairs of gardening gloves, again in a variety of colours and sizes.
• Some industrial strength refuse sacks.
• Some plain white card.
• Some wrapping paper, which depicts some drunken reindeers frolicking in the snow.
Once home, I set to work wrapping up my presents. When they are completed, I can finally sit down and relax in front of the fire, content in the warm glow of a job well done.
Next morning, I start work on the homemade Xmas cards. These will be included in the presents, (thus the white card). I find a suitable picture online that is perfect for the task. It shows a grubby, litter-strewn street, a common theme for anyone who has walked their dog on a Sunday morning. I download it for the front picture. Then I get to work on the inside. What should I write…?
Wishing you a Happy Xmas, and a very happy 2016.
I have purchased a very special gift for you and your family this Christmas, and hope that you will enjoy it together.
Inside the parcels provided is the gift of many hours of happiness for you all. It includes some social well-being, and time spent together with a common purpose, having a bit of craic with friends and neighbours, getting to meet new people, and doing something good for your community.
After all, the best gifts are the ones that you can share together.
Hopefully, it will bring your family closer again, as, if the gossip in the town is to be believed, things have been hard on you all these last few months, especially since that awful picture in last week’s Sunday paper. Infidelity is always a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s even worse when you have to share it your personal lives with every Tom Dick and Harry you meet.
Perhaps some time together as a family will help to save your marriage, and also the financial burden of the divorce courts.
Anyway, I hope you take advantage of this gift, for it is a gift that keeps on giving.
I have enrolled you in three months Tidy Town activity. It starts on Boxing Day at 10:30am and continues every Sunday until Spring. Hopefully, by then, you will found the joy that is missing from your lives, and will continue to use my gift long after its expiry date.
Happy Xmas to you all,
Love from your cousin
Nav
I rephrased the sentiment in the card, tailoring it to the particular family I chose to send the gift to, but kept the same positive touch to each message.
November 23, 2015
A Fleeting Moment of Pleasure
In life, one needs only a finite number of tacky plastic rings, a limited amount of compasses, or one-size-fits-no-one paper crowns.
As for the jokes that lack any semblance of humour, well, even the worst comedians avoid using that material. Those working men’s clubs can turn nasty at the drop of a hat, so there’s no reason to incite a riot.
The most ingenious assassin would run out of ways to use the cracker part, though given sufficient inflammable gas in an enclosed space, it can create some quite impressive results.
Nevertheless, little boys never will tire of pulling crackers.
As for the jokes that lack any semblance of humour, well, even the worst comedians avoid using that material. Those working men’s clubs can turn nasty at the drop of a hat, so there’s no reason to incite a riot.
The most ingenious assassin would run out of ways to use the cracker part, though given sufficient inflammable gas in an enclosed space, it can create some quite impressive results.
Nevertheless, little boys never will tire of pulling crackers.
November 22, 2015
Rag’N’Bone
“Rag and bone!” he yelled. You could hear him coming from streets away.
We watched him pass, a bunch of scruffy kids with huge eyes.
His horse plodded down the cobbled street, careful not to slip on the damp stones. He pulled a flatbed dray, piled high with assorted brick-a-brack.
We weren’t sure what the Rag’n’bone-man did with his hoard of used clothes and mouldy old bones, but we were confident he had a cunning plan up his sleeve. He probably was making a fortune.
We loved to see his horse clip-clopping along, and wondered why he gave out goldfish?
We watched him pass, a bunch of scruffy kids with huge eyes.
His horse plodded down the cobbled street, careful not to slip on the damp stones. He pulled a flatbed dray, piled high with assorted brick-a-brack.
We weren’t sure what the Rag’n’bone-man did with his hoard of used clothes and mouldy old bones, but we were confident he had a cunning plan up his sleeve. He probably was making a fortune.
We loved to see his horse clip-clopping along, and wondered why he gave out goldfish?
A Walk In the Woods
There is nothing like a long walk through the woods with the love of your life.
Hearing the birds singing overhead. Breathing in all that fresh air. It’s great.
But her smile really makes my day.
She really unwinds when she’s out here, away from the stress of her office job.
The best part is watching her skinny dip in the isolated lake that she found in the heart of the woods.
Sadly, those heady days of summer have passed.
One day, she spotted me following her and called the police. Now, there is a restraining order out against me.
Hearing the birds singing overhead. Breathing in all that fresh air. It’s great.
But her smile really makes my day.
She really unwinds when she’s out here, away from the stress of her office job.
The best part is watching her skinny dip in the isolated lake that she found in the heart of the woods.
Sadly, those heady days of summer have passed.
One day, she spotted me following her and called the police. Now, there is a restraining order out against me.
November 19, 2015
Evolution 101
“Look, I’ll explain it to you one last time,” he said. “Dinosaurs ruled the world. Then came an ice age, and they died, simple.”
To prove the point, he stamped down hard on his younger brother’s new toy, smashing it into the snow.
“And after that, man ruled the world. It’s called Evolution.”
He pressed down hard with his heel, making the tyrannosaurus squeal in protest. “See! It’s dead now, so now you can help me build that snowman.”
Such logic was hard to dispute, especially when the bigger boy backed it up with dead legs or Chinese burns.
“Okay!”
To prove the point, he stamped down hard on his younger brother’s new toy, smashing it into the snow.
“And after that, man ruled the world. It’s called Evolution.”
He pressed down hard with his heel, making the tyrannosaurus squeal in protest. “See! It’s dead now, so now you can help me build that snowman.”
Such logic was hard to dispute, especially when the bigger boy backed it up with dead legs or Chinese burns.
“Okay!”
November 16, 2015
Who Gains?
“There’s asking too many questions, Guv’nah. Shit’s about to hit the fan.”
“We’ll need to instil some righteous indignation.”
“Nothing like a bit of mass hysteria to divert attention, eh Guv?”
“Exactly! A media frenzy.”
“It’ll sell papers.”
“They’ll need Extended News Bulletins.”
“What about using Social Media? That’s popular.”
“That’s difficult to pull off. People aren’t all that tech savvy.”
“Nah, Guv. All you need is a simple message and a suitable hyperlink.”
“Sounds promising. I like it!”
“Just one thing. Aren’t we worried about folks getting caught in the crossfire?
“Collateral damage, lad. That’s the price of war!”
“We’ll need to instil some righteous indignation.”
“Nothing like a bit of mass hysteria to divert attention, eh Guv?”
“Exactly! A media frenzy.”
“It’ll sell papers.”
“They’ll need Extended News Bulletins.”
“What about using Social Media? That’s popular.”
“That’s difficult to pull off. People aren’t all that tech savvy.”
“Nah, Guv. All you need is a simple message and a suitable hyperlink.”
“Sounds promising. I like it!”
“Just one thing. Aren’t we worried about folks getting caught in the crossfire?
“Collateral damage, lad. That’s the price of war!”
