Rosalind Guy's Blog, page 10

My Father’s Eyes

Looking into my

father’s eyes I saw all the reasons

he always refused to

see me. I tried to hide

in the fold of all the years past

trying to escape in

earlier memories. But sometimes

memories aren’t enough and

sometimes love is not

what it was. Obligation is not love.

And fear is not love.

And that’s what I saw in his eyes

whenever I was able to force him

to not avert his eyes. I also saw

how he had chosen not to

be obligated to me anymore and

I began to let go. I released him

like so many birds

kept in cages for too long.

Even when I’d closed my heart tight

like a fist, it still hurt me

how he didn’t try to hold on.

He just let go.

 

Peace & Love,

Rosalind

Thirteen Steps to Completely Disappearing from Life

“I didn’t want any flowers, I only wanted/ to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.” — from “Tulips” by Sylvia Plath

“For love is held by a chain of obligation which, men being selfish, is broken whenever it serves their purpose.” — from “The Prince” by Italian philosopher Niccolo Machiavelli

Thirteen Steps to Completely Disappearing from Life

By Rosalind Guy

Step One

Love with all your heart.

Don’t hold back. Don’t

think of love as obligation;

think of love as a feeling, a kaleidoscope

of butterflies coming to life

or two souls reuniting.

Step Two

Accept that some people will tell you

they love you and not mean it.

They only need something from you.

Give them what they need, hoping they

will learn to love you.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Never get angry. Always forgive.

Step Three

Watch the butterflies of love start to die.

But don’t try to prevent their demise.

Because everything that lives must die.

And not every death will receive a funeral.

The butterflies will not be laid to rest.

Step Four

Accept that life is not fair. That you are not

one of the cool girls or popular girls. Don’t

try to understand why this is taken so seriously.

Life is not serious. And life is not fair.

So the privilege of fairness will never be yours.

Step Five

Spend a year sinking into depression hoping that

no one notices. They won’t.

Step Six

Take long hot showers. You’ve never been the type to

sing in the shower; you will cry in there now. Cry hard.

Don’t try to stop the tears from coming. There’s a hollow

space in your heart that holds years of sadness. The tears

are coming from there. Let them come. Your heart is breaking

and your soul is too. Let them break.

Step Seven

Cry at red lights because you can’t help it.

It won’t matter anyway. No one will ever ask

you what’s wrong.

Step Eight

Get real quiet. Don’t say a word. Don’t move. Hold

your breath if you must. Tighten the lid so no

feelings can get in and none can escape.

Step Nine

Stay in bed for days. Do not stir. But, if this

proves to be impossible, live in your mind.

Hide there. No one will ask questions

as long as you don’t show the signs they think

signal depression.

Step Ten

Imagine scenarios where you end your life. It’s alight.

You don’t really want to die. You just want to disappear.

When driving, imagine keeping your foot on the gas and

slamming into the back of that dump truck. Variety is

the spice of life. Of death too.

Think of other ways to die.

Step Eleven

Tell no one how you’re feeling.

They may feel obligated to talk you out of disappearing.

Step Twelve

You’re still quiet, right? Has anyone noticed? Do they

hold your hand a little longer? Do they keep you on the phone

a little longer? Have they sought you out just because?

If not, you can let yourself off the hook. Don’t feel guilty

about wanting to disappear.

Step Thirteen

Disappear. Walk away and don’t look back.

Some will look for you out of obligation. Remember,

love is a sort of obligation and that’s not what you want.

When you hear your name being called, don’t answer.

Just keep walking.

Peace & Love,

Rosalind

Panama Club, 1950

Waiting.

Almost as dangerous as holding

one’s own breath or inhaling

the milky breath of a newborn baby

as it rushes out to meet the

cool side of the pillow.

Breathing as a shallow act.

Languishing in the wait, taking us

toward invisibility. Unnoticed

as a breath until it doesn’t come.

At last – freedom.

The act of waiting,

just another way to turn yourself

into a pawn in another man’s game.

Sluggishly sublime – life appears too easy.

Trying to get in the mind

Am I the pawn or am I the King?

Will I ever be King?

America – my home.

Juxtaposed

on a game board where

life and death rule. Futile existence –

to exist in another man’s game. Don’t

mistake my learning to live, learning to simply

exist for unsupported apathy. Living while

languishing.

America – my home.

If you happen to be strolling by

Don’t mind me waiting here – it’s where

I belong.

America – my home.

Peace & Love,

Rosalind

*Note: The above poem was inspired by Mario Bacchelli’s “Panama Club, Beale Street, Memphis, 1950,” which is part of the permanent collection at the Memphis Brooks Museum of Art.

The Struggle for Goodbye

How many times can you say goodbye?

By my count, so far, approximately 1,216 times.

I’ve been keeping count daily, drawing

tally marks across the surface of the passage of days.

I’ve been stamping, ever so lightly, tiny goodbyes

all along your lips with each kiss

I leave behind. I’ve been leaving a trail of goodbyes

all along the curve of your spine and along the crook

of your smile. I’ve littered all our memories with

goodbyes. Sometimes I wonder if you see in my eyes or

my longing gaze, my struggle to say goodbye. And I

pray you don’t find the strength or the will

to say what I’ve been trying to say

since the day I first laid eyes on you.

Peace & Love,

Rosalind

The Lovely Bones

The lovely bones

bear the scars of love.

I keep trying to bury

the bones but they keep

rising to the surface.

The living stand in place

unable to move on

until the dead release them.

So, I carry around the bag

of bones, dragging them

everywhere I go. The unclaimed

bones weigh me down

sometimes. I just cannot

seem to let go of the

lovely bones. The blood

no longer protects the bones.

Yet they are still lovely

to me. I fear the day I

find the strength

to set my bag of

lovely bones down I

will have to watch

as the wind scatters

the bones & carries

the memories away.

Peace & Love,

Rosalind

An Open Letter to My Children

 

Yesterday at the Explore Memphis summer program kickoff party, I got the opportunity to talk with lots of kids. Lots of kids. Young kids. Those who are still young enough to be completely hopeful. Those who believe they can be whatever they want to be. Something I don’t get to experience as a high school teacher. Listening to the limited views of my students, especially my boys, can be quite disheartening. Some have such narrow views of what life has to offer them. And always I think: I never want that to happen to Cameron.

So I sat down and penned a letter (I do this a lot for all my children) to Cameron. Something I hope will help him keep his innocent spirit of imagining and discovering alive. The more I wrote, the more I realized I’ve said this to my other kids (and students) in one form or another, so I decided to write an open letter to my children. All of them.

“I’ve written this letter in my mind millions of times. I write it when I ask for a hug just so I can have the opportunity to hold onto you. I know it won’t always be this easy to keep you close. I’ve been watching you carefully since you came into my life. I admire your creativity and belief in yourself. I love how if there’s something you want, in your heart you want to do, you never seem to doubt yourself. Whether it be jumping off the end of the couch or filming yourself playing your wrestling game so you can post it to YouTube with your commentary. I love how you listen to your own soul. And as long as I’m around, I promise to protect that part of you and never allow anyone to crush it. But there are also some things I want to share with you so you can help protect it too.

The first thing I want to tell you is not to allow anyone to place you in a box. Don’t let them limit you. Look up above toward the heavens to the planets that exist among the stars. Your feet can trod across those planets if that’s what you desire. Do what makes you happy and never stop listening to your own soul because it will let you know when you are happy. Don’t fight to silence that inner voice.

A big part of contemporary education involves learning to memorize facts and information. How to conform to what others see as successful. View education as only a tool you use to discover your best self. Become a well-rounded, well-educated young man but use the education to help you follow your passion. Never allow an education to become self-limiting. It doesn’t matter if you don’t score as well as the next person. What matters is that you put your best foot forward, give your best, and obtain all the knowledge you can. There’s never an excuse to be ignorant with so much information at our fingertips. But use the education don’t let an established system of meritocracy ever make you feel less than able to accomplish whatever it is you want to accomplish. Follow your passion; don’t do what other people tell you you should do. Not even me.

Don’t ever try to be like “them.” Most of them are unhappy because they’ve become what society told them they had to become. But that doesn’t matter. Never judge your life or anything about your life by what “they” have. Play pretend. Imagine the impossible. Listen to the still small voice within your heart and your life will be so fulfilled that you won’t have time to get distracted by “them.”

Know your history. I know it’s hard to watch, read about, or listen to sometimes. But so what. Know what your ancestors suffered through in order to make life possible for you today. And never ever take their sacrifices for granted. Don’t believe the white-washed version of your history that you’ll learn in school. Remember, the goal of education is not to help you become a better you. Some things you have to learn on your own. Take an African-American history class. Take an African-American literature class. Learn about the Civil Rights Movement, learn who Dorothy Dandridge is and Josephine Baker, learn about Nina Simone, Toni Morrison, Maya Angelou, June Jordan, learn about Jackie Robinson, Muhammad Ali, August Wilson, Gordon Parks, Black Wall Street, and Jacob Lawrence. Learn to differentiate a Romare Bearden from Henry Ossawa Turner. Learn about them like you did the planets when you discovered space. Trains. Wrestling. The rivers. Your addition facts. Listen the way you listened to your grandfather’s stories. Learn about the resiliency and strength of our people. Learn about how black people not only survived but thrived when the system tried to snuff the life out of them. And then you exhibit the same strength in following your dreams. Don’t let the system kill your dreams.

Love yourself. Perhaps I should have told you this first because this is so very important. Love yourself fully and completely. Learn what makes you smile. Learn what makes your heart flutter. Learn what you truly are and love yourself harder than anyone ever could. And once you love yourself, allow someone else to fall in love with you. Never settle. Never. You are too great to ever have anyone settle for you. and that includes you too. Know your own value. Never ever try to convince anyone to love you. And if you love yourself, you won’t fall into that trap. You’ll know that there’s never a need to show or prove to others your value. If they can’t see it, they’re not the one for you. Everyone is not meant to be a part of your life. And that’s okay.

If it scares you, you must do it at least once. If public speaking scares you, do it. If singing a song at the top of your lungs in the rain scares you, do it. If writing your own song scares you, do it. If starting a conversation with a stranger scares you, do it. I’m not encouraging you to put yourself in dangerous situations, but never let fear be a reason why you don’t do something you truly want to do. You can do whatever you have a strong enough desire to do. I promise you there’s a way. I also promise that if you take the risk despite your fear, you’ll feel so much better afterwards. You can be the president of the United States. You can become a judge. You can become a scientist. You can marry the woman of your dreams. You can spend your summers in Paris. You can fly to Africa and immerse yourself in the culture. You can fly a plane.

The police may follow you, may make U-turns to come and question you for living while black, but be respectful. Respect their authority, even if they don’t. So you can live to try and change the unfair and unjust systems. The systems that are intended to break you. Live.

And I mean live! Not just exist.

Don’t ever stop listening to your own soul. You were not created for mediocrity. You were not created to be less than you have the potential to be. Live your life with passion and purpose. Muhammad Ali said, “Live every day as if though it were your last because one do you’re going to be correct.” There’s so much truth in that statement. Don’t wait. You don’t have as much time as you think. Time goes by so quickly. So, don’t allow other people to tell you what you should be doing. Don’t let yourself be stuffed in a box just because other people are comfortable living there.

Don’t let anyone tell you what it means to be a black man. Don’t hurt people you love. Be honest. Live with integrity. Keep your word. Don’t have unprotected sex no matter how much in love you think you are because one day you might just know better. Wrap it up until you’re ready for a family. Don’t buy into the stereotypes, whether positive or negative. Be you! When you have children, don’t make them wonder where you are. Don’t make them long for your presence. Create the life you want. All your decisions, every day, determine the life you will lead. Make your decisions carefully. And when you make a mistake, don’t be afraid to start over. Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, do better.” Please do. Never settle for anything. Live as if one day you’ll die because one day we all must die.

Lastly, don’t forget how much I love you. I will always love you. Especially during those times when I may have to say or do something that may temporarily upset you, please know that my love is always unwavering.”

Love Always,

Mom

Peace & Love,

Rosalind

Explore Memphis Kickoff Party

Today was the kickoff party for the Memphis & Shelby County Public Library’s Explore Memphis program. The program is a partnership between the library and other organizations to encourage Memphians to explore Memphis this summer. And I had a table at the event.

Being an author who’s pretty much out here on my own, there are days when it feels like, well, that I’m on my own. It has definitely been a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. There are days when I’ll say to myself I’m just not going to write because I feel like I’m not moving forward in my writing career. And then there are days like today.

Today I got to read my poetry, talk about my writing, talk about my teaching, my inspiration, and I sold some books. At the start of the day, I got this text from my son: “Good luck with your table today. Enjoy it! Remember where you were as a writer 10 years ago. You’ve had numerous tables at decent events and people even say they’ve heard your name before when they walk by. (He knows this because he’s usually with me at these events. :-)) You are not where you used to be.” What  a way to start my day off. And I’d just set my table up when one of the event’s organizers brought a woman to the table who’d seen my name on the flyer and she was trying to find me. To say I was flattered is an understatement. Today, I actually felt like I was living the dream. I love writing. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t. But I truly enjoyed sharing my love of literature, poetry, writing, and reading with all the people who came out today.

Today was just the kickoff event, so there’s much more to do this summer to Explore Memphis. More information can be found here. Below are some photographs I was able to take today. And now I’m off to continue living the dream. Live the dream peeps! Do one thing every day that gets you closer to living the life you want.

Peace & Love,

Rosalind

Love Not Worth Fighting For

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” — Elie Wiesel

Your name is a whisper

that spirals in my soul, a

voice spoken at midnight.

I have spoken your name

in the place of God’s, a

blasphemous testament

to the miracle of our love.

Your name rushes forth

on my breath as I exhale,

as I remember what it felt like

to know loving you. I never

stopped but sometimes you just

forget. Even as I admit

it was another false idol, empty

worship, a love not worth

holding onto & definitely

not worth fighting for.

Peace & Love,

Rosalind

Leave the Bones

There are ill-formed dreams on which

I can no longer stand. They have become

the wilted flowers that languish

in vases on cemetery grounds. No one waters

the flowers. The flowers are forgotten as quickly

as the ones who died. There’s no honor to be found

in death, only rest. Occasionally

I will choose to make a pillow out of the cold

granite headstone of someone I once loved.

No I don’t stop loving those who no longer live.

But love only matters to the living, the dead cannot

feel the warm embrace of love. With my head

resting against the stone, I fall into the

fleeting and illusory image of me curled up on the lap

of an ancestor. All that go before me, I count

as my ancestors because they know more than me.

They have unearthed the mystery of what lies

on the other side of death.

It is not their unfulfilled dreams for me that I hear

beating against the inside of the wooden coffins.

It’s an abusive rainstorm falling in torrential sheets

drenching me and trying to revive all the wilted flowers.

Death is just a state from which no one

ever returns. No matter how much rain falls,

it will never be enough to wash away the debris

or unearth the bones, a way to bring our dead back to us.

I have not been trying to breathe life back into

the dreams of those who died before me. But life

has a way of evolving, bringing back days and ways

that we once thought long gone. Ideas cradled in

forgotten history, but even forgotten history

fights to live. Don’t rearrange the bones. Leave

them as they lie. Leave the bones where they lie.

Peace & Love,

Rosalind

Questions

Why do you write love letters on battle lines?

Why do you sing love songs to your enemy, the one

who’s trying to defeat you? Why do you cry tears of

regret because love has never had a place in war? Why

do you dress battle scars up in diamonds, trying to pretend

this is not a war? Is it because you know every war

will have a winner and every war will make someone a

loser? You will never win the war by chasing ghosts

across a barren battlefield, but that’s a lesson every

soldier must learn on his own. One day.

Peace & Love,

Rosalind