Edward M. Wolfe's Blog, page 4
November 3, 2013
Lost Father - a short story
Lost Father
by Edward M Wolfe
When Lisa hadn’t heard from her father in three days – no return calls, no text replies and no email responses - she drove to his house and found the front door open. She cautiously walked in without knocking, fearing what she’d find. She heard her father’s voice and breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn’t dead. He was alive and talking to someone in his office. She went down the hall and started to enter his office then suddenly stopped.
“I know that’s what it looks like, but you know me better than that, babe.” After a few seconds of silence, he said, “Exactly! That’s what I’ve been trying to say. You’re as smart as you are beautiful.” He was alone in the room and was not on the phone.
Lisa stood watching, confused. He had to be on speakerphone. The room was silent. Maybe the person on the other end was thinking of what to say.
“Oh? That’s what you think,” her father said, laughing and smiling.
Okay, so he’s responding to someone who isn’t on speakerphone. He has to be wearing a Bluetooth headset on his other ear. She tapped gently on the door, not wanting to interrupt him, but also not wanting to stand there eavesdropping.
Her father turned at the sound, seemed to glance right through her as a question passed over his face like a shadow, then he turned his head away without even acknowledging her presence. When he briefly turned to face her, she saw that he was not wearing a headset on his other ear.
“I have been working on that. All my life, it seems.”
Who was he talking to? Lisa felt what she thought of as an irrational fear come over her.
“Dad,” she spoke loudly to get his attention for sure this time.
Her father reclined back in his chair, getting into the groove of a conversation he clearly seemed to be enjoying. But with whom? Lisa wondered. And why was he ignoring her?
“I fear I’ve wasted too much time trying to convince others of each thing that I was learning; not knowing that each of us learns our own lessons in our own time and you can’t really expect to be lucky enough to have someone right beside you on the same path.”
Lisa stepped into the room. She couldn’t take anymore of watching her dad clearly engaged in a conversation with someone but in a way that made no sense, and being ignored was creeping her out. Her dad never ignored her. She was his favorite person. At least she always had been up until three days ago. Now she wasn’t sure any more. Had her dad fallen so in love with someone? He didn’t even care that his daughter was standing in the same room with him.
“Well, it would be nice if we had a little help from time to time. Earth is so very difficult, and going it alone just makes it that much harder to make any progress. Even when you do make progress, you’re never sure, and there’s rarely anyone there to validate you and let you know you’re on the right path. Does everything have to be shrouded in doubt on top of mystery?”
“Dad! Look at me!” Lisa yelled, close to tears.
Her father laughed. “Well, yes, I did. But god damn it wasn’t easy. I went most of my life thinking I was fucking insane.”
The last word he spoke sent chills down Lisa’s body. It was a fear she hadn’t known she was feeling until it was brought to the surface by him speaking the word “insane.” She was afraid her father had lost his mind.
“Dad, speak to me. Right now. I’m serious. You’re scaring me!”
“Thank you. It’s nice to finally be acknowledged. What happens now?”
Lisa could not get over the surreal feeling of her dad saying things that echoed her feelings. She would love to be acknowledged – by him! And she also wondered what to do next. Something was seriously wrong here.
Drugs. He must be on something.
“Dad? Are you on something?”
“That’s it?” he asked.
“Is that it? Are you high on something, Dad? Please answer me.” Lisa started to cry. This situation was scaring her. She knew her dad had used drugs long ago, before she was born, but it was unlikely that he had started again at this age. And he didn’t appear to be on anything. Strangely, he had never looked better. His skin looked healthy. His eyes were bright and alert – except for their apparent inability to see her.
“Okay. In that case, I’m going to lie down and relax. It’s been a long life and I can’t wait for it to be over.”
Lisa thought she was scared before, but now she was terrified. Was her dad suicidal? Had he lost his mind and decided to kill himself? She had to do something, but she didn’t know what.
He got up from his desk chair and walked around the room, heading toward her where she was standing a few feet inside the doorway. He was looking through her again and she felt like she was going to scream if he didn’t see her and talk to her.
“Dad, I love you!” she yelled at him from just two feet away.
“How much? Please don’t tell me we have to start at the beginning.”
He bumped into her as if she wasn’t there at all as he went to walk through the doorway. Lisa stepped to the side and screamed in a terrified panic.
Lisa was pacing back and forth on the sidewalk in front of her father’s house when the ambulance arrived. She was smoking one of her father’s cigarettes and coughing. She hadn’t smoked since she was in high school several years before. When the paramedics approached her, she tossed her half-smoked cigarette into the neatly cut lawn.
“You’ve got to help him,” she said as one of them approached her. The other one went to the back of the ambulance, opened the door and retrieved a bag.
“Is he inside?”
“Yes. He was laying on his bed, still talking to himself when I called you. I don’t know what’s wrong. My dad has always been the sanest person I’ve ever known, but now I think he’s lost his mind.” The fear that she’d been holding inside of her finally came out in a gush of tears as she spoke it aloud to another person.
“It’s okay, we’ll take care of him. Just show us where he is,” the paramedic said.
She led them inside and walked to the hallway, then pointed.
“The second room on the left,” she said, then her father laughed loudly and she shuddered. Was that the sound of a happy person, or a maniac? She hugged herself and cried as she watched the paramedics walk down the hall and into her father’s room. She feared that she’d somehow lost her father and might never see him again the way she’d always known him. She wanted to just wake up and have this be another normal, boring day.
“Thank you for coming, Lisa. I’m Dr. Hobbins. I’m pleased to meet you, but I’m sorry about the circumstances.” He extended his hand and she shook it with a weak grasp. “Please have a seat,” he said, gesturing to one of the two cloth-covered chairs in front of his desk. She glanced at the top of his desk and two words jumped out at her from the spine of a thick book titled: DSM-IV-TR Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
Mental Disorders
She tried to swallow a lump that suddenly formed in her throat. She sat down and began biting one of her nails, occasionally spitting out bits of fingernail and chips of polish without even thinking of about what she was doing.
“After your father’s seventy-two hour hold at County General, he was brought here and placed in my care.” Lisa withdrew her fingertip from mouth and started to speak. The doctor raised his hand and she stopped. “I’ll probably cover most of what you want to ask, but if I don’t, then you can let me know, but it will probably be faster and less painful if you let me finish first.”
Lisa nodded and looked at the light reflecting off of his bald head. She was breathing rapidly and feeling claustrophobic although the doctor’s office was fairly large and had windows with a view to wide expanse of green lawn with a busy street beyond it.
“Your father’s condition hasn’t changed at all. He hasn’t spoken directly to anyone since he was admitted to County General. He also hasn’t stopped conversing with someone that only he can see and hear. He appears completely oblivious to his physical surroundings and so naturally, he hasn’t eaten. We’re having to feed him intravenously for the time being.”
Lisa’s eyes became watery and threatened to drip tears. She went from biting on her fingernail to biting her fingertip, pressing down on the center of the nail with her teeth as much as she could stand the pain. She felt like she her mind was going to spin out of control and she’d be given her own room in the mental hospital. The pain from biting her finger helped to keep her grounded and focused.
“I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but your father’s case is a bit remarkable. I’ve never seen anyone suffering from such a deep delusion engaged in what seems to be such a rational conversation – at least the half of it we can hear. It’s no different than listening to one side of a perfectly sane person having a conversation.”
Lisa squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed at them with her knuckles which came away damp. She didn’t want to hear about how fascinating her father’s psychosis was.
“Nevertheless, he is quite delusional despite the unusual display of rational thought and intelligence. Your father may be a experiencing nothing more than a temporary psychotic break from which he could return to his normal healthy state of mind. If he does, he may have no memory of what has happened, or he may recall it as one would a dream. That’s the best case we can hope for. It’s also possible that he’s suffering from a sudden onset of schizophrenia, in which case, there is treatment, medication, and therapy that can assist him with managing his illness.”
Despite being in a daze of unreality, because there was no way this could be happening to her or to her father, Lisa understood that she really didn’t know anything more now than she knew before she had come here. They didn’t know what was wrong with her father, and that meant they couldn’t help him. Not really.
“Is there any history of mental illness in your father’s side of the family?”
“No. None at all.” She removed her fingertip from her mouth and began biting the first layer of skin in the center of her upper lip.
“Does your father use, or has he ever used hallucinogenic drugs?”
“Um, I know he smoked pot before and I think he used cocaine a long time ago.” With every question she answered, the doctor wrote something in a chart. She hated the sound of the pencil lead moving across the paper. She wished he would use a pen.
“Has he been under considerable strain or experienced any unusually stressful events lately?”
“No. Not that I know of. My father has always been perfectly sane – saner than most people, in fact. He doesn’t even allow people with “drama issues” as he calls it, into his life. He’s a very calm, peaceful and happy man.” Lisa was aware that she was speaking in a present tense way that didn’t describe her father in present time.
“I’d like to have you fill out a complete family history to help us as much as possible with a diagnosis and treatment plan. Will you do that?”
“Right now? I’d like to see him first. Can I please see my dad?” she asked, her voice trembling at the end of her sentence. Of all the people she could have ever imagined losing their minds, she never would have thought it possible for her dad to do so.
“Yes. That might be a good idea. How about you spend some time with him, then come back and fill out some paperwork for me? Sound good?”
“Yes. Thank you.” She stood up and smoothed out imaginary wrinkles on her Levi’s.
The doctor came around his desk and walked out into the main hall of the institution. Lisa followed, glancing around at everyone and everything. She hated being here and she hated it even more that her father was here. As they walked through the open recreational area and then down an empty hallway, Lisa kept expecting to see someone acting totally crazy which would add to her feeling that her father didn’t belong here and that this wasn’t happening; couldn’t be happening. The doctor eventually stopped a few feet from an open doorway.
“This is your father’s room. Don’t be surprised if he continues to be unaware of your presence. Remember, that’s how this started, so if he doesn’t respond to you, nothing has changed, and he hasn’t gotten worse. It just means the medication we’re giving him isn’t aiding him in seeing the real world yet. But we’ll make progress with him soon, I’m sure.”
“Okay,” Lisa replied. Her mouth had gone dry. She’d already seen how her father was at his house and yet the thought that she was going to once again see him acting strange, acting crazy really, terrified her. This wasn’t right.
“I’ll send someone for you in five minutes. Okay?”
Lisa nodded. The doctor smiled and quietly left her alone to enter the room on her own. She approached the doorway and looked inside. Her father was lying on his back with his eyes open and a pleasant smile on his face.
“Daddy?”
The smile on his face widened. Lisa’s heart skipped a beat. He’s responding to me, she thought.
“Thank god!” he said.
“You’re back! Oh, Daddy! You had me worried to death.” She rushed into the room, relief flooding through her and bringing tears of joy to her eyes.
“I can’t wait to get started, but I have to say, I’m not looking forward to coming back. I hope I get a long break this time. This could be a really beautiful planet if it wasn’t for the god damned people!” he said, and burst out in joyous laughter.
Lisa froze, standing right next to his bed and looking down at him, realizing he wasn’t talking to her. He hadn’t said, “Thank god” because she was there to see him, or perhaps take him home. He was still talking to someone in his head. She sensed her knees unlocking and turned what would’ve been a collapse into an abrupt act of sitting, holding on to the bed as she suddenly sat on the floor beside it. She took one of her father’s hands and held it in both of hers. She cried now without restraint.
“Please come back, Daddy. Please, please. I need you. Oh god!” She dropped her head onto the bed cover and cried into it.
Her father didn’t react to his hand being taken away from where it had rested on his stomach atop his other hand, nor did he seem aware that Lisa was crying out to him. She lifted her head and looked at him. Her makeup was streaked and smeared on her face and on the bed.
“Daddy, please wake up. I’ll take care of you. I promise. Just wake up and let me take you home.” She put her hands on his chest and shook him as if she merely needed to wake him up from a deep slumber where he was talking in his sleep.
“Can we go now? I’m quite ready to leave,” he said.
Again Lisa’s heart jumped in her chest. Did she wake him? Was that all he needed – someone to shake him out of a crazy sleep?
“Yes, Daddy. We can go. I don’t care what the doctor says. They can’t keep you here. I’m taking you home.”
“There’s just one more thing I need to do. Before I leave, I need to say goodbye to my daughter. She’s the only person I’ll miss.” His smile faded as he spoke this, but the bright clarity was still there in his eyes, hinting at the deep serenity of a man who knew peace in his heart and had no doubts about who he was or what his future held.
“Oh god!” Lisa didn’t know what to think anymore. She felt like she was losing her mind too.
“You’ll wait for me? Okay. I’ll be just a minute, Kiera.”
Allen turned to Lisa and his eyes opened wide and a smile lit up his face as he saw her.
“Lisa, honey!” He reached out to her and she fell onto the bed, embracing him and crying on his shoulder.
“Daddy! You’re back!” she cried.
“I never left, sweetheart, but I’m about to leave. I just couldn’t go without saying goodbye to you first. I didn’t expect it to be so easy though. I thought I’d have to drive to your house. But here you are. This is perfect.”
“We have to get you home. I can’t stand seeing you in here.”
Allen looked around at his surroundings for the first time and was amused to see that he wasn’t in his room at home as he had assumed he was when he “awoke.” He laughed as he realized he’d been away for a while. He understood where he was without asking. It made sense – as far as other people would be concerned. They didn’t know what he knew, or who he’d been talking to.
“I’m sorry, Lisa honey. I must’ve frightened you. I assure you I’m just fine. But I can’t go with you. I’m going home now. You’ll find papers in my office that finalize all of my affairs and leave everything I have to you.”
“I don’t understand… what are you saying?”
“I also left you my journal. It will explain everything, but you can probably figure it out without reading it. You know me, sweetheart. I just wanted to hold you one last time and tell you that I love you. You enriched my life by being you. Thank you. I love you, dear.”
Lisa hated hearing what her father was saying, but even still, something inside her calmed and she felt at ease. She didn’t know why she was feeling okay with the terrible things her father was saying. Part of her was aware that everything was okay; that this was a good thing that was happening. A great thing, actually. But she wanted to deny that knowledge and dramatize the loss of her father. She didn’t want him to go. But she knew he would. He had waited a long time for this day.
“I love you too, Daddy; more than anything.”
Her dad looked into her eyes and she felt his love and his energy. He had guided her through her life and made her love living and learning and becoming the best person she could be. She looked into his eyes and sent her love back to him.
“I’ll always be with you, Lisa, in one way or another. You know that. But for now, it’s time for me to go.”
She nodded and smiled, looking at him through bittersweet tears. She kissed her father one last time and said,
“Goodbye, Daddy.”
“Goodbye, sweetheart.” He leaned back against the headboard, closing his physical eyes and re-opening his inner eyes.
He saw Kiera standing next the bed, smiling and patiently waiting for him. He could not see Lisa anymore, but he saw her energy in the space she occupied. He smiled at Kiera in gratitude for her being there. She was always there. He just hadn’t known it all the time. He wished she had made her presence known more often and more obviously.
Kiera reached for Allen’s hands. She took hold of them and gently pulled him toward her. He came forward out of his body and moved close to her. She released one of his hands, but held on to the other as she began walking, leading him out through the wall, across the flowerbed, over the grass and into the beyond.
It had been a long time since they’d been together like this.
A whole lifetime.
###
11-3-13
Tulsa, OK
by Edward M Wolfe
When Lisa hadn’t heard from her father in three days – no return calls, no text replies and no email responses - she drove to his house and found the front door open. She cautiously walked in without knocking, fearing what she’d find. She heard her father’s voice and breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn’t dead. He was alive and talking to someone in his office. She went down the hall and started to enter his office then suddenly stopped.
“I know that’s what it looks like, but you know me better than that, babe.” After a few seconds of silence, he said, “Exactly! That’s what I’ve been trying to say. You’re as smart as you are beautiful.” He was alone in the room and was not on the phone.
Lisa stood watching, confused. He had to be on speakerphone. The room was silent. Maybe the person on the other end was thinking of what to say.
“Oh? That’s what you think,” her father said, laughing and smiling.
Okay, so he’s responding to someone who isn’t on speakerphone. He has to be wearing a Bluetooth headset on his other ear. She tapped gently on the door, not wanting to interrupt him, but also not wanting to stand there eavesdropping.
Her father turned at the sound, seemed to glance right through her as a question passed over his face like a shadow, then he turned his head away without even acknowledging her presence. When he briefly turned to face her, she saw that he was not wearing a headset on his other ear.
“I have been working on that. All my life, it seems.”
Who was he talking to? Lisa felt what she thought of as an irrational fear come over her.
“Dad,” she spoke loudly to get his attention for sure this time.
Her father reclined back in his chair, getting into the groove of a conversation he clearly seemed to be enjoying. But with whom? Lisa wondered. And why was he ignoring her?
“I fear I’ve wasted too much time trying to convince others of each thing that I was learning; not knowing that each of us learns our own lessons in our own time and you can’t really expect to be lucky enough to have someone right beside you on the same path.”
Lisa stepped into the room. She couldn’t take anymore of watching her dad clearly engaged in a conversation with someone but in a way that made no sense, and being ignored was creeping her out. Her dad never ignored her. She was his favorite person. At least she always had been up until three days ago. Now she wasn’t sure any more. Had her dad fallen so in love with someone? He didn’t even care that his daughter was standing in the same room with him.
“Well, it would be nice if we had a little help from time to time. Earth is so very difficult, and going it alone just makes it that much harder to make any progress. Even when you do make progress, you’re never sure, and there’s rarely anyone there to validate you and let you know you’re on the right path. Does everything have to be shrouded in doubt on top of mystery?”
“Dad! Look at me!” Lisa yelled, close to tears.
Her father laughed. “Well, yes, I did. But god damn it wasn’t easy. I went most of my life thinking I was fucking insane.”
The last word he spoke sent chills down Lisa’s body. It was a fear she hadn’t known she was feeling until it was brought to the surface by him speaking the word “insane.” She was afraid her father had lost his mind.
“Dad, speak to me. Right now. I’m serious. You’re scaring me!”
“Thank you. It’s nice to finally be acknowledged. What happens now?”
Lisa could not get over the surreal feeling of her dad saying things that echoed her feelings. She would love to be acknowledged – by him! And she also wondered what to do next. Something was seriously wrong here.
Drugs. He must be on something.
“Dad? Are you on something?”
“That’s it?” he asked.
“Is that it? Are you high on something, Dad? Please answer me.” Lisa started to cry. This situation was scaring her. She knew her dad had used drugs long ago, before she was born, but it was unlikely that he had started again at this age. And he didn’t appear to be on anything. Strangely, he had never looked better. His skin looked healthy. His eyes were bright and alert – except for their apparent inability to see her.
“Okay. In that case, I’m going to lie down and relax. It’s been a long life and I can’t wait for it to be over.”
Lisa thought she was scared before, but now she was terrified. Was her dad suicidal? Had he lost his mind and decided to kill himself? She had to do something, but she didn’t know what.
He got up from his desk chair and walked around the room, heading toward her where she was standing a few feet inside the doorway. He was looking through her again and she felt like she was going to scream if he didn’t see her and talk to her.
“Dad, I love you!” she yelled at him from just two feet away.
“How much? Please don’t tell me we have to start at the beginning.”
He bumped into her as if she wasn’t there at all as he went to walk through the doorway. Lisa stepped to the side and screamed in a terrified panic.
Lisa was pacing back and forth on the sidewalk in front of her father’s house when the ambulance arrived. She was smoking one of her father’s cigarettes and coughing. She hadn’t smoked since she was in high school several years before. When the paramedics approached her, she tossed her half-smoked cigarette into the neatly cut lawn.
“You’ve got to help him,” she said as one of them approached her. The other one went to the back of the ambulance, opened the door and retrieved a bag.
“Is he inside?”
“Yes. He was laying on his bed, still talking to himself when I called you. I don’t know what’s wrong. My dad has always been the sanest person I’ve ever known, but now I think he’s lost his mind.” The fear that she’d been holding inside of her finally came out in a gush of tears as she spoke it aloud to another person.
“It’s okay, we’ll take care of him. Just show us where he is,” the paramedic said.
She led them inside and walked to the hallway, then pointed.
“The second room on the left,” she said, then her father laughed loudly and she shuddered. Was that the sound of a happy person, or a maniac? She hugged herself and cried as she watched the paramedics walk down the hall and into her father’s room. She feared that she’d somehow lost her father and might never see him again the way she’d always known him. She wanted to just wake up and have this be another normal, boring day.
“Thank you for coming, Lisa. I’m Dr. Hobbins. I’m pleased to meet you, but I’m sorry about the circumstances.” He extended his hand and she shook it with a weak grasp. “Please have a seat,” he said, gesturing to one of the two cloth-covered chairs in front of his desk. She glanced at the top of his desk and two words jumped out at her from the spine of a thick book titled: DSM-IV-TR Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
Mental Disorders
She tried to swallow a lump that suddenly formed in her throat. She sat down and began biting one of her nails, occasionally spitting out bits of fingernail and chips of polish without even thinking of about what she was doing.
“After your father’s seventy-two hour hold at County General, he was brought here and placed in my care.” Lisa withdrew her fingertip from mouth and started to speak. The doctor raised his hand and she stopped. “I’ll probably cover most of what you want to ask, but if I don’t, then you can let me know, but it will probably be faster and less painful if you let me finish first.”
Lisa nodded and looked at the light reflecting off of his bald head. She was breathing rapidly and feeling claustrophobic although the doctor’s office was fairly large and had windows with a view to wide expanse of green lawn with a busy street beyond it.
“Your father’s condition hasn’t changed at all. He hasn’t spoken directly to anyone since he was admitted to County General. He also hasn’t stopped conversing with someone that only he can see and hear. He appears completely oblivious to his physical surroundings and so naturally, he hasn’t eaten. We’re having to feed him intravenously for the time being.”
Lisa’s eyes became watery and threatened to drip tears. She went from biting on her fingernail to biting her fingertip, pressing down on the center of the nail with her teeth as much as she could stand the pain. She felt like she her mind was going to spin out of control and she’d be given her own room in the mental hospital. The pain from biting her finger helped to keep her grounded and focused.
“I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but your father’s case is a bit remarkable. I’ve never seen anyone suffering from such a deep delusion engaged in what seems to be such a rational conversation – at least the half of it we can hear. It’s no different than listening to one side of a perfectly sane person having a conversation.”
Lisa squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed at them with her knuckles which came away damp. She didn’t want to hear about how fascinating her father’s psychosis was.
“Nevertheless, he is quite delusional despite the unusual display of rational thought and intelligence. Your father may be a experiencing nothing more than a temporary psychotic break from which he could return to his normal healthy state of mind. If he does, he may have no memory of what has happened, or he may recall it as one would a dream. That’s the best case we can hope for. It’s also possible that he’s suffering from a sudden onset of schizophrenia, in which case, there is treatment, medication, and therapy that can assist him with managing his illness.”
Despite being in a daze of unreality, because there was no way this could be happening to her or to her father, Lisa understood that she really didn’t know anything more now than she knew before she had come here. They didn’t know what was wrong with her father, and that meant they couldn’t help him. Not really.
“Is there any history of mental illness in your father’s side of the family?”
“No. None at all.” She removed her fingertip from her mouth and began biting the first layer of skin in the center of her upper lip.
“Does your father use, or has he ever used hallucinogenic drugs?”
“Um, I know he smoked pot before and I think he used cocaine a long time ago.” With every question she answered, the doctor wrote something in a chart. She hated the sound of the pencil lead moving across the paper. She wished he would use a pen.
“Has he been under considerable strain or experienced any unusually stressful events lately?”
“No. Not that I know of. My father has always been perfectly sane – saner than most people, in fact. He doesn’t even allow people with “drama issues” as he calls it, into his life. He’s a very calm, peaceful and happy man.” Lisa was aware that she was speaking in a present tense way that didn’t describe her father in present time.
“I’d like to have you fill out a complete family history to help us as much as possible with a diagnosis and treatment plan. Will you do that?”
“Right now? I’d like to see him first. Can I please see my dad?” she asked, her voice trembling at the end of her sentence. Of all the people she could have ever imagined losing their minds, she never would have thought it possible for her dad to do so.
“Yes. That might be a good idea. How about you spend some time with him, then come back and fill out some paperwork for me? Sound good?”
“Yes. Thank you.” She stood up and smoothed out imaginary wrinkles on her Levi’s.
The doctor came around his desk and walked out into the main hall of the institution. Lisa followed, glancing around at everyone and everything. She hated being here and she hated it even more that her father was here. As they walked through the open recreational area and then down an empty hallway, Lisa kept expecting to see someone acting totally crazy which would add to her feeling that her father didn’t belong here and that this wasn’t happening; couldn’t be happening. The doctor eventually stopped a few feet from an open doorway.
“This is your father’s room. Don’t be surprised if he continues to be unaware of your presence. Remember, that’s how this started, so if he doesn’t respond to you, nothing has changed, and he hasn’t gotten worse. It just means the medication we’re giving him isn’t aiding him in seeing the real world yet. But we’ll make progress with him soon, I’m sure.”
“Okay,” Lisa replied. Her mouth had gone dry. She’d already seen how her father was at his house and yet the thought that she was going to once again see him acting strange, acting crazy really, terrified her. This wasn’t right.
“I’ll send someone for you in five minutes. Okay?”
Lisa nodded. The doctor smiled and quietly left her alone to enter the room on her own. She approached the doorway and looked inside. Her father was lying on his back with his eyes open and a pleasant smile on his face.
“Daddy?”
The smile on his face widened. Lisa’s heart skipped a beat. He’s responding to me, she thought.
“Thank god!” he said.
“You’re back! Oh, Daddy! You had me worried to death.” She rushed into the room, relief flooding through her and bringing tears of joy to her eyes.
“I can’t wait to get started, but I have to say, I’m not looking forward to coming back. I hope I get a long break this time. This could be a really beautiful planet if it wasn’t for the god damned people!” he said, and burst out in joyous laughter.
Lisa froze, standing right next to his bed and looking down at him, realizing he wasn’t talking to her. He hadn’t said, “Thank god” because she was there to see him, or perhaps take him home. He was still talking to someone in his head. She sensed her knees unlocking and turned what would’ve been a collapse into an abrupt act of sitting, holding on to the bed as she suddenly sat on the floor beside it. She took one of her father’s hands and held it in both of hers. She cried now without restraint.
“Please come back, Daddy. Please, please. I need you. Oh god!” She dropped her head onto the bed cover and cried into it.
Her father didn’t react to his hand being taken away from where it had rested on his stomach atop his other hand, nor did he seem aware that Lisa was crying out to him. She lifted her head and looked at him. Her makeup was streaked and smeared on her face and on the bed.
“Daddy, please wake up. I’ll take care of you. I promise. Just wake up and let me take you home.” She put her hands on his chest and shook him as if she merely needed to wake him up from a deep slumber where he was talking in his sleep.
“Can we go now? I’m quite ready to leave,” he said.
Again Lisa’s heart jumped in her chest. Did she wake him? Was that all he needed – someone to shake him out of a crazy sleep?
“Yes, Daddy. We can go. I don’t care what the doctor says. They can’t keep you here. I’m taking you home.”
“There’s just one more thing I need to do. Before I leave, I need to say goodbye to my daughter. She’s the only person I’ll miss.” His smile faded as he spoke this, but the bright clarity was still there in his eyes, hinting at the deep serenity of a man who knew peace in his heart and had no doubts about who he was or what his future held.
“Oh god!” Lisa didn’t know what to think anymore. She felt like she was losing her mind too.
“You’ll wait for me? Okay. I’ll be just a minute, Kiera.”
Allen turned to Lisa and his eyes opened wide and a smile lit up his face as he saw her.
“Lisa, honey!” He reached out to her and she fell onto the bed, embracing him and crying on his shoulder.
“Daddy! You’re back!” she cried.
“I never left, sweetheart, but I’m about to leave. I just couldn’t go without saying goodbye to you first. I didn’t expect it to be so easy though. I thought I’d have to drive to your house. But here you are. This is perfect.”
“We have to get you home. I can’t stand seeing you in here.”
Allen looked around at his surroundings for the first time and was amused to see that he wasn’t in his room at home as he had assumed he was when he “awoke.” He laughed as he realized he’d been away for a while. He understood where he was without asking. It made sense – as far as other people would be concerned. They didn’t know what he knew, or who he’d been talking to.
“I’m sorry, Lisa honey. I must’ve frightened you. I assure you I’m just fine. But I can’t go with you. I’m going home now. You’ll find papers in my office that finalize all of my affairs and leave everything I have to you.”
“I don’t understand… what are you saying?”
“I also left you my journal. It will explain everything, but you can probably figure it out without reading it. You know me, sweetheart. I just wanted to hold you one last time and tell you that I love you. You enriched my life by being you. Thank you. I love you, dear.”
Lisa hated hearing what her father was saying, but even still, something inside her calmed and she felt at ease. She didn’t know why she was feeling okay with the terrible things her father was saying. Part of her was aware that everything was okay; that this was a good thing that was happening. A great thing, actually. But she wanted to deny that knowledge and dramatize the loss of her father. She didn’t want him to go. But she knew he would. He had waited a long time for this day.
“I love you too, Daddy; more than anything.”
Her dad looked into her eyes and she felt his love and his energy. He had guided her through her life and made her love living and learning and becoming the best person she could be. She looked into his eyes and sent her love back to him.
“I’ll always be with you, Lisa, in one way or another. You know that. But for now, it’s time for me to go.”
She nodded and smiled, looking at him through bittersweet tears. She kissed her father one last time and said,
“Goodbye, Daddy.”
“Goodbye, sweetheart.” He leaned back against the headboard, closing his physical eyes and re-opening his inner eyes.
He saw Kiera standing next the bed, smiling and patiently waiting for him. He could not see Lisa anymore, but he saw her energy in the space she occupied. He smiled at Kiera in gratitude for her being there. She was always there. He just hadn’t known it all the time. He wished she had made her presence known more often and more obviously.
Kiera reached for Allen’s hands. She took hold of them and gently pulled him toward her. He came forward out of his body and moved close to her. She released one of his hands, but held on to the other as she began walking, leading him out through the wall, across the flowerbed, over the grass and into the beyond.
It had been a long time since they’d been together like this.
A whole lifetime.
###
11-3-13
Tulsa, OK
April 4, 2013
Hello, Hooray!
(The title is a reference to an Alice Cooper song.)
I just thought I'd introduce myself and tell you a little about my short fiction.
Despite the advice of those who know better than I do about always referring to yourself in the third person, (apparently because that's the kind of biographies successful, big-name authors have and thus we associate the third-person bio with them,) I'm going to just be me with you.
Although some people tell me the things I've lived through are unbelievable, there's not anything that I could fit into a bio, and I'm sure basic biographical stats would bore you to death, so I'll just comment a little on the fiction that I have for sale.
*Devon's Last Chance*
It seems like hearing about mass shootings or mass murders is so common-place now that it's just a part of life. I just can't get used to it, and I struggle with understanding how these things can possibly happen.
The thing that gets me is that we don't see news reports or interviews with neighbors where people say, "I always knew Todd was a total psycho who would do this one day." Instead it's always about how Todd was a nice guy. Quiet, friendly, always mowed his lawn," etc.
So how did he become a psychotic, murderous death machine one day?
I can tell you one thing - it wasn't from video games. I've looked into that
Fun & Games & Murder
http://edwardmwolfe.com/articles/fun-...
and I've been a gamer since Pong and haven't killed a single person yet, despite playing Call of Duty every day.
I don't know what happens to these people to change them, but being a writer, I wanted to come up with a proposed reason. And that's the inspiration for Devon's Last Chance.
*When Everything Changed*
There are some key things that make life hell when it doesn't have to be that way. This drives me insane. Everything that the Guardians criticize us for as a people are real things that bother me all the time. So this is not even a proper story. It's a vehicle or medium that provides me a means of being critical of humanity and the pathetic job we've done as a human race.
I think it is pathetically, ridiculously, evilly absurd that we're still fighting wars in the 21st century. For what? Money? Natural resources (which equates to money again)? Land?
All of these things, and ancient feuds, etc., but in the end, wars are usually the fault of a single person. A megalomaniac who has never been put in his place. Witness Kim Jung Un. Is he insane? Why do millions of people (like the North Koreans for example) put up with one guy ruining the entire lives of everyone else?
People drive me crazy. So I wrote this brief fantasy of an advanced race coming to earth and saying "Enough is enough. We'll fix the things that you were too stupid to fix yourself."
*In The End*
"When Everything Changed" takes a look at humanity's failings on the large scale, but "In The End" brings us in close for a more personal, one-on-one look at people - particularly when they are in a HUGE crisis.
Most of the characters don't react well when dealing with something that is just such a big shock and total change of the life they were used to and the loss of most of the things they take for granted on a daily basis.
In this story, I look at how not only "normal" people like you me react to a disaster and the absence of the steady, 24-hour flow of information they're accustomed to, but I also have in mind the dark side of how people will react in such a situation.
(I've been working on a novel for so long that I need to take occasional breaks, and when I do, that's when I write the shorter fiction you see here.)
In the End was meant to be a short story, but when I reached the end, I already knew what was going to happen next - even though nothing was supposed to happen next. But the story told me it wasn't done yet. It had barely gotten started.
So, if anyone likes it, I'll continue it along side the novel I'm working on and which I plan to have done by this summer. But if there's no interest in a post-nuke story of survival with a small group of people who grow into a unique, no-tolerance-for-bullshit community, then I'll just finish the novel and see what else comes out along the way.
You're still here??
I thought I lost you a long time ago.
Well, thanks for staying to the end.
I'd give you a big, fat kiss, but... well, who knows where your lips have been?
I just thought I'd introduce myself and tell you a little about my short fiction.
Despite the advice of those who know better than I do about always referring to yourself in the third person, (apparently because that's the kind of biographies successful, big-name authors have and thus we associate the third-person bio with them,) I'm going to just be me with you.
Although some people tell me the things I've lived through are unbelievable, there's not anything that I could fit into a bio, and I'm sure basic biographical stats would bore you to death, so I'll just comment a little on the fiction that I have for sale.
*Devon's Last Chance*
It seems like hearing about mass shootings or mass murders is so common-place now that it's just a part of life. I just can't get used to it, and I struggle with understanding how these things can possibly happen.
The thing that gets me is that we don't see news reports or interviews with neighbors where people say, "I always knew Todd was a total psycho who would do this one day." Instead it's always about how Todd was a nice guy. Quiet, friendly, always mowed his lawn," etc.
So how did he become a psychotic, murderous death machine one day?
I can tell you one thing - it wasn't from video games. I've looked into that
Fun & Games & Murder
http://edwardmwolfe.com/articles/fun-...
and I've been a gamer since Pong and haven't killed a single person yet, despite playing Call of Duty every day.
I don't know what happens to these people to change them, but being a writer, I wanted to come up with a proposed reason. And that's the inspiration for Devon's Last Chance.
*When Everything Changed*
There are some key things that make life hell when it doesn't have to be that way. This drives me insane. Everything that the Guardians criticize us for as a people are real things that bother me all the time. So this is not even a proper story. It's a vehicle or medium that provides me a means of being critical of humanity and the pathetic job we've done as a human race.
I think it is pathetically, ridiculously, evilly absurd that we're still fighting wars in the 21st century. For what? Money? Natural resources (which equates to money again)? Land?
All of these things, and ancient feuds, etc., but in the end, wars are usually the fault of a single person. A megalomaniac who has never been put in his place. Witness Kim Jung Un. Is he insane? Why do millions of people (like the North Koreans for example) put up with one guy ruining the entire lives of everyone else?
People drive me crazy. So I wrote this brief fantasy of an advanced race coming to earth and saying "Enough is enough. We'll fix the things that you were too stupid to fix yourself."
*In The End*
"When Everything Changed" takes a look at humanity's failings on the large scale, but "In The End" brings us in close for a more personal, one-on-one look at people - particularly when they are in a HUGE crisis.
Most of the characters don't react well when dealing with something that is just such a big shock and total change of the life they were used to and the loss of most of the things they take for granted on a daily basis.
In this story, I look at how not only "normal" people like you me react to a disaster and the absence of the steady, 24-hour flow of information they're accustomed to, but I also have in mind the dark side of how people will react in such a situation.
(I've been working on a novel for so long that I need to take occasional breaks, and when I do, that's when I write the shorter fiction you see here.)
In the End was meant to be a short story, but when I reached the end, I already knew what was going to happen next - even though nothing was supposed to happen next. But the story told me it wasn't done yet. It had barely gotten started.
So, if anyone likes it, I'll continue it along side the novel I'm working on and which I plan to have done by this summer. But if there's no interest in a post-nuke story of survival with a small group of people who grow into a unique, no-tolerance-for-bullshit community, then I'll just finish the novel and see what else comes out along the way.
You're still here??
I thought I lost you a long time ago.
Well, thanks for staying to the end.
I'd give you a big, fat kiss, but... well, who knows where your lips have been?
