Luke Tarzian's Blog, page 2

Dear Anxiety:

Here’s the lowdown: I stopped drinking caffeine a week ago, initially as an experiment, then permanently. In the week since, I’ve seen just how much caffeine was negatively affecting my life, especially where my anxiety is concerned. As most people know, caffeine is a stimulant, so it makes sense that it’s going to do just […]

2019 Goals & Desires

2018 can be summed up with two words: fucking chaotic. There were only a handful of things that transpired over the year that I can say were definitively positive: I got married, I honeymooned in Europe, I saw Harry Potter & the Cursed Child on Broadway, I went to Switzerland, I went on the Writing […]

Why Are My Stories So Dark?

I’ve been asked this question occasionally and I thought it might be an interesting one to finally tackle. There are multiple answers, the first two being: I generally like dark fiction. One of my favorite authors and influences is Edgar Allan Poe. BUT. There’s a bit more to it than that. I’ve gone through some […]

Coping: Life After My Mother Has Passed

This past Thursday (October 18, 2018) my mother passed away after a three-month battle with leukemia. When I got the call from my father I fell into a strange sort of catharsis, the kind that consists of a) sadness over the loss of my mother and b) the emotional release brought by knowing that she […]

Head Space: A Ramble From a Momentarily Depressed & Angry Author

I’ve been home from vacation for almost two weeks and it’s been…tough. For several reasons:

Horrible eye strain
Mood swings
Thoughts on mortality
Attempting to juggle multiple outlines for new projects while thinking about a WIP I’m almost done with
My mom, who is ill

The end of July to present has felt like a blur of emotional fluctuation, mostly because it was. My mom being diagnosed with AML (a type of leukemia) really threw everything out of whack. It was a disorienting gut punch that I’m only now coming to accept. And it’s been extremely hard. I’ve had days where it’s been almost impossible for me to focus on anything other than the TV in my living room or the notebook in front of me. Some days it’s been easy: if I don’t focus on the profound severity of reality then, for a time, it doesn’t actually exist (even though it actually does, if that makes sense).

Doing the latter feels great in the moment, but it sucks afterward. I feel guilty for being able to have that finite peace of mind. I feel guilty for being able to go to work for seven hours a day and occupy my mind while my father stays home to care for my mother. Sometimes I feel guilty for being healthy while my mother is home in bed, severely, terminally ill.

I feel sad, angry, sorry, furious at the world, at reality.

Because I don’t know how much time I have left with my mom.

Because this fucking cancer is taking her away from us all.

Because it’s taking her far too fucking early.

Because she’ll never be able to see her grand children, and god damn it she would have been a great grandmother.

Because it’s terribly painful to think about what my father is going through.

Because I can’t imagine how fucking anguishing it feels to watch your wife deteriorating despite your best efforts.

Because my father is losing his best friend.

Because my sister is losing her best friend.

Because I’m losing my best friend.

Because my sister and I are losing our mom, and that really fucking sucks.

My head space is a fucking disaster right now. It’s a labyrinth of confusion, of feelings, of what-the-fuck, of disbelief and acceptance.

I guess this is grief.

It really fucking sucks.

But.

I’m not going to let my grief control me; I’m not going to let it drag me into the abyss because I swore from the onset that I wouldn’t.

I am and will continue to focus on the almost three-decades worth of memories I have of my family, of my mom because there is strength to be found there. Joy. Laughter. Catharsis.

I will continue to write, and I will write with more passion, discipline, and sincerity than ever before because I want and need to. For myself and my mom, who always read my work, even when I was starting out and my stories were horrendous.

I will be happy.

I will be sad.

I will be angry.

I will grieve.

But.

I will live. For myself. For my family. For my mom. For her memory.

Fuck cancer.

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An October Update (I Guess?)

I don’t usually do a “Here’s what I’ve been up to for the past month…” kind of thing, but it feels kind of appropriate considering how crazy the last month or so has been from personal and professional standpoint. So, without further ado…:

SEPTEMBER

A week and a half in Switzerland with my wife, father in law, and stepmother in law. We split time between Basel and the Lutchental Valley (hiking in the alps for five days). The Valley was easily my favorite part of the trip. Fresh air, beautiful trails, and some of the most breathtaking views. Looking at these mountains from the base of the trail…talk about feeling dwarfed.
A week-long cruise through the Caribbean as part of the Writing Excuses 2018 writing retreat and conference. WOW, is really the best way to describe my experience. My wife and I got to spend a week with almost 200 like-minded individuals and talk about the business and craft of writing (among many other fun things, like our excursions in Roatan, Belize, and Cozumel). I made a lot of friends and am happy to say we’ve signed up to go again next year. If you’re looking for a writing conference to go to: this is one of the best.

OCTOBER

We’re only a week into the month, granted, but I’ve been outlining a couple of new projects, probably no longer than novella-length. The first is a complete revision of a novella I wrote a couple of years ago (formerly THE HIGHEST TRUTH, presently SHE WHO WALKS) and got some great feedback on from editors at publications I’d subbed the story to. The next is based on the idea of Immortals purchasing simulated death in the way the people trip on LSD or whatever else. Basically, death as an experience for those who cannot die, except what happens when an immortal actually dies? I’ve aptly titled it WE DEAL IN DEATH and I am SUPER EXCITED about this one, friends.

There you have it. What has everyone else been up to? Let me know in the comments!

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On Amazon's THE WHEEL OF TIME & LORD OF THE RINGS TV Shows

In the past few months we’ve seen Amazon announce straight to series orders for a LORD OF THE RINGS prequel and THE WHEEL OF TIME. That’s great—both sound fun. I’ll probably watch both.

But.

Can we not? THE WHEEL OF TIME is a fun series, one from which I’ve found a bit of influence. But it’s also got its issues too, plus IT’S FOURTEEN GIANT ASS BOOKS LONG.

We’ve had six movies on Middle Earth (two too many, honestly). Tolkien, as influential as he was on past decades of fantasy writers, should be retired—the fantasy landscape has changed enough in the last several years and there’s A LOT more unique content out there. Let’s take a look at the current fantasy and science fiction landscape, specifically series and titles which have either been nominated or won major awards in the last several years for some ideas:

N.K. Jemisin’s THE BROKEN EARTH just SWEPT THE HUGOS, a historically impressive feat for a trilogy of novels sure to be considered classics.
JY Yang is three novellas deep into the TENSORATE series, featuring THE BLACK TIDES OF HEAVEN, THE RED THREADS OF FORTUNE, and THE DESCENT OF MONSTERS. Dinosaurs, tech, magic, and a fantastic cast set in a world as fun as it is educational for readers wanting to experience characters who don’t adhere to what some might call “traditional” gender identification.
Martha Wells’ THE MURDERBOT DIARIES. Who doesn’t want to follow a self-aware robot whose hacked its own control module and has embarked on a quest for self-discovery?

And that’s not even a handful of all the awesome titles recently released. Tell me, friends: what would you like to see adapted for your binging pleasure?

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