Rae Stoltenkamp's Blog, page 2

Angelus III

Dalili

I saw him. He was sat with the child in a chair. I told myself what he was doing was wrong and I should go in and try to take the child from him. Then as I got closer, I saw he was asleep. His hand lay on the child, touching his head. I saw the love in the graceful nature of his hand. I looked at the brightness from him and saw this beaming into the child.

He open his eyes. They were golden, with small bright flecks that saw the universe. He looked at me with a long gaze. He sighed and then he stood and laid the child in his bed. Then he was gone.

I thought of him. This tall, incredibly strong man. There were muscles on him I had never seen before. And then his clothes. I knew them to be clothes people never worn today. His shoes were sandals, like the sandals worn by gladiators. No trousers, only a gladiator skirt. He wore no shirt. Only his arm were covered by light mail, up to the elbow, manicae. I would someday know that it was incredible soft. That was the first time I saw him.

~|~

I was terrified. There were explosions. And I had little Aaron to think of. He clung to me and shivered every time an explosion when off. Eventually we were in the bathroom. I hoped they would not look for us here. We hid behind the curtains of the last cubicle. I heard the sounds of army boots, dozens of them, coming across the floor. In a moment they would be here.

I tried not to be petrified but I was quivering inside. I prayed. Oh how I prayed.

He came, shining in so much sunlight even I could not look at him. He came when all things seemed to me darkest. Then in a moment I saw the nimble light go from him towards the soldiers and blind them. He came to claimed me. I thought these thoughts.

Then I was in his arms. And Aaron too. I laid my hand against his chest. I felt my fears disappear. I looked at him, the wonder of him. I knew we were flying. I could feel it on my cheeks and in my hair.

When he landed, he first let go of Aaron.  He put both arms around me. Then he softly began to lower me. I felt the gentleness of his manicaed arms. I felt there warmth against me. I did not want to let him go. Then in a moment I saw his wings. They were an immense black tempest. There was in the tempest an immensity which I was not a part of. There was him and the black tempest, and they were all the same. He closed his wings ever so slowly. He looked at me with his golden eyes and I saw me in them. Then he unwrapped his wings, stepped back and vanished.

~|~

It was two years since the attack. Aaron was singing in the way little boys sing. It was the type of song I couldn’t identify. He suddenly caught my hand and he was dragging me into a building. It was music. We followed the music and came into room full of musical instruments. There sat a man, playing the trumpet. Aaron let go of my hand and went closer to observe and listen.

The man played the trumpet as though it was his life. His eyes were closed. Even when he finished, he stayed with his eyes closed. Then he sighed and opened them. He saw Aaron and smiled.

“Do you know any other songs?” asked Aaron.

“Sometimes they come to me and I play them.”

“Would you play some more for me.”

The man laughed. “I will try.” He held out his hand and Aaron took it. And before I could say anything, this man had Aaron sitting in his lap. He was showing him how the trumpet worked and Aaron was interested.

“Lucien”, said a voice behind me.

He turned and saw me. He paused. He had golden eyes. He looked at me. In his eyes I saw me.

“Lucien, could you help me with these lights?” The woman looked at me. “Oh, excuse me. I just need Lucien to help me with these lights.”

In a moment he was up. He looked at and me. He looked at me as though he knew me. Then he gave the trumpet to Aaron and strode across the floor.

I thought of this man, called Lucien, and how much he looked like my Angel. I shouldn’t say he was mine. I never got to call him that because I’d lost him. But he looked like him.

I watched him go. This Lucien who I didn’t know. He looked back at me. And I thought, I want him to come back.

~|~

I knew we would come back. Aaron wanted to come back. That’s what I told myself. But I knew that I wanted to come back. To see Lucien. So we came back. To teach Aaron that he could become a man of the trumpet. So Lucien told him while he looked at me.

I was in the office. The French priest, incredibly unable to make the computer work, decided I could. It was on the computer and didn’t make sense to him. That’s what he told me. And the last lad had left to go to college. It was not difficult, so I told him. But he did not even look. That was when Lucien came in and saw me. He looked right at me and said, “Aaron, your boy, is really talented.”

“I’m glad. I never thought he would be so good with musical instruments.”

He turned to walk away.

“But he’s not my boy.”

Lucien turned and looked at me. “He is your boy, though you did not give birth to him. I know you care for him and that’s what most important.”

When Lucien left, the French priest said to me, “I see the light in his eyes when he looks at you. I think I see some of the light in your eyes. When you see him go, you think will he come back to me.” The priest left the office and then he turned back. “He will come back to you.”

~|~

I was thinking about the past month when he’d looked at me. I was thinking that I’d been dreaming of him. And every time, my heart stood still.

I was stood on a ladder of the children’s home. It was Christmas. I was putting the star on the tree. And I was thinking, I should be putting an angel. And then I was falling. I was falling. Into his arms. Lucien held me so lightly. Lucien caught me. For a moment I was in his arms. I did not want him to let me go.

He lowered to the ground. “You should not be alone when you’re hanging things on the tree.” His hands held me. Lucien did not let me go.

I held him. “I know…”

Then he was kissing me. I knew he was kissing and I was kissing him. He stopped kissing me and looked at me with his golden eyes. Then he held my hand that had the star in it. “I should put that on the tree.” But he did not let me go.

I give him the star. And he let me go. I watched him go up the ladder and put the star on the top of the tree.

When he came down, he drew me into his arm and he kissed again. “I will do that every day I live. Will you mind?”

I shook my head.

Then the room filled with people. All the people who came to see the Christmas tree. And Aaron was there. Lucien lifted Aaron so he could see the tree. And with his other hand, he held me close.

I laid my head on his shoulder and my heart knew it was so.

Happy New Year

Wishing you a happy New Year
 

101 Must See Films

Take 12: The Classics

Ok, so three of these have Audrey Hepburn in them. I like her. The four next, which are books I've read, are also great.

Roman holiday - a princess (Audrey Hepburn) escaped from her guardians. She falls in love with an American (Gregory Peck).

Sabrina - in this film a young girl falls for a young man. In order to make her fall out of love with him, her father sends to Paris. The story begins when she gets back from Paris.

Breakfast at Tiffanys - Paul, a struggling writer, moves to New York. In his building is a young woman, Holly. He meets her and he falls for her.

Sense & Sensibility - in this films it is the job of the oldest sister (Emma Thompson) to provide for the family once her father has passed away.

Pride & Prejudice - it is the bounty of a woman with daughters to find them good husbands. So it begins. Elizabeth Bennet (Keira Knightley) is no match for Mr Darcy (Matthew Macfadyen).

A Room with a View - it is set in Italy. A young woman, Lucy (Helena Bonham Carter), is rescued by the son and father called Emerson. She falls for George Emerson, (Julian Sands) but back home is waiting her fiancee.

Jane Eyre - this is the most fantastic story I have ever seen. Jane (Charolotte Gainsbourg) becomes a governess. When she moves to Thornfield Hall to become the governess to a little girl, she falls in love with Edward Rochester (William Hurt). And so the story begins...

Happy Christmas

 

May you all have a very happy Christmas!

101 Must See Films

Take 11: Action!

I like action films. I like them because I should not like them. They are violent and contain lots of fighting. I'm South African, so fierceness doesn't frighten me.

Enter the Dragon - this is a film about martial arts. To my mind, it is the best film ever made. Bruce Lee is famous for his depection of Lee. He is involved in an undercover intelligence officer.

Agent 47 - this is a violent film. Don't watch it if you are afraid of violence. Timothy Olyphant plays Hitman 47. He is not afraid of anyone.

Hitman: Agent 47 - agent 47 has been hired to kill. He joins a young woman who is searching for her father.

Jason Bourne - this is the final film in the Jason Bourne series. Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) comes out of hiding. He finds out the truth about his past.

The Bone Collector - Lincoln (Denzel Washington), and ex-detective who is quadriplegic, comes in to solve the mystery of a serial killer. He is helped by Amelia (Angelina Jolie).

Lockout - Snow (Guy Pierce), a convicted agent is sent to rescue the daughter of the President, Emilie (Maggie Grace). 

SELF

 

I have published a book of poems called Self. It is about myself. 
I hope you enjoy it.
It on Amazon.
Here is the site.

https://mybook.to/selfmyself

The ebook will be available for 99p from 9th of December till 16th.

101 Must See Films

Take 10: Romantically Speaking

These are best films in this genre. I think they say about love all there is to know.

L A Confidential - it is 1950s and as corruption grows, three policeman - one vicious, one strait-laced and one corrupt fight it out. So this might not sound like it's about love, but it is.

True Romance - this is about love. How love is the only thing that matters. It's how Elvis fanatic, Clarence (Christian Slater) falls in love with Alabama (Patricia Arquette). It the one story about love that gets me.

Girl with a Pearl Earring - Griet (Scarlett Johannson) while working for Johannes Vermeer (Colin Firth) as a maid, becomes close to him. He uses her to paint the famous painting, the girl with the pearl earring.

Cold Mountain - Nicole Kidman and Jude Law are fantastic in this film. It is the American Civil War and W P Inman (Jude Law) is trying to get back home to his beloved Ada (Nicole Kidman). Renee Zellweger is superb in this as Ruby Thewes.

Gabriel's Inferno - there are three movies, so make a lot of time to watch them. Gabriel (Giulio Berruti) is a professor. Julia (Melanie Zanetti) becomes a student of his. She is in love with Gabriel and has been in love with him for a long time, since she was 17.

The Age of Adaline - this is a film about a young woman who has been 29 for eight decades. She falls in love with Ellis. She is forced to make a life changing decision when she meet his dad.

The Adjustment Bureau - David (Matt Damon) falls in love with Elise (Emily Blunt). However, they are kept apart by a mysterious group of men.

Angelus I

Aaron

I had always had an angel. Not that I knew him as that. He was just the one that came to me when I was frightened. I remember him sitting in the chair with me. Singing me songs I didn’t know so I would not be afraid. And because of these songs I was never afraid. I was small, really little. There were many things I was afraid of. Then came the angel. It was my right to be scared of him, yet, there he was just to protect me. I came to realise that quickly. And when I saw him, that’s what I felt.

He was always present, even when I didn’t see him. There he was just singing to me. And because of him, I was not afraid. He never left me. Until she came.

He would always be with me, but until she came, he went away. I thought it was because she gave me love. Not the kind of love he’d given me, the normal kind of love. And I learnt to love her back.

I saw him watching me and seeing the love she gave to me. I learnt to know her name. Her name was Dalili. I was very little and I called her Lili. And I came to laugh and sing little songs to her. Some of the songs I gave were from him. So I saw him very little and I was a little sad because he did not come very often. Only at night when I was asleep, I felt his hand on my head and I would still feel the same love.

Then in time he came to me. He came to me that I was going to be alright. That he would still think of me and that he would protect me all my life. He was going to send me another angel to make sure I was alright. Just because he wouldn’t be there, didn’t mean he thought less of me. I was the only thing in his mind. Then he looked at me with those great big gold eyes. I thought I saw sadness in them. I thought I saw the woman in his eyes. He was even sadder. He laid his hand on my head and I felt that he would love me forever. And then, then he was gone.

I never knew he came to save me. I only felt his arm holding me, holding her. He took us to a place far away. He held us in his arms and I felt we were flying. I felt how the hair on my head felt when the winds blew it in every direction. I put my arms around his neck and sighed. I closed my eyes and I was in heaven.

We arrived and I opened my eyes. I never knew he had wings. Oh they were mighty wings. They were almost black. They were a different kind of black. The kind of black in your dreams. The kind of black where you’re not afraid because they’re the good kind of black.  I loved the look of his nearly black wings. I was glad his wings had lifted me to come to this good place.

Then he let me go from his arm. And he let Dalili go. She looked at his very fine wings with her mouth opened. He closed his wings very slowly.  He was looking at her with her hand in front of her mouth. Then he unwrapped his wings with a quick flutter, he stepped back from us and vanished.

Angelus II

Lucien

He saw her when he opened his eyes. She was all aglow, like sunlight before it comes out. He knew instantly that he had to disappear. So he took the child from his chest and laid him in his bed. Then he was gone to her sight. Putting his hand to the child’s head he stayed to look at her. He thought she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He wanted to reach out and touch her hand. But he restrained himself. Instead he moved a little away from the bed and put his hands behind his back. But his breathing became heavier. So he turned and left.

And then one day, he came to protect her because she was protecting the boy. Those were his thoughts. There were clouds of bright light. Not any light. There was war. Great storms of increased fighting. And in it he saw Aaron and Dalili. At the middle of the great storm. So he came.

He wrapped his arms about her because she carried Aaron. He wrapped his wings around her because she carried Aaron. He wrapped his life around because she carried Aaron. That’s what he told himself. In his arms, she felt like the lover he’d always known. And the boy, felt like the child they’d always known. In his wings there was the family he’d always known. He knew that as he let them go. He knew that if he did not give in, they’d be his. So he left them in this safe place.

In his sleep, he dreamt he came to Dalili. In his dreams he kissed her with his emotions buried in the kiss. That was a kiss none ever dreamed of. It was filled with his love and the love he had for everything around him. He wrapped his wings around her protectively. In his swift embrace, they were together. He cried out in his dreams because Dalili laid her hand on his breast just below the heart. In his dreams Dalili told him that she loved him. In his dreams Dalili showed him that she loved him. In his dreams.

Believing he was no good to God, he took himself to the Adjudicator. Lucien told the Adjudicator he was no good. So he chose to be no longer Angelus. The Adjudicator look at Lucien. He saw in Lucien's golden eyes, a woman. He saw the woman had a name. And he saw the graceful light from Lucien moving towards the woman. And so the Adjudicator took the Angelus from Lucien. His big body fell to earth and the only thing left to him was the manicae. And even those drifted away into slumber. Those manicae became part of his soul. He fell to earth and was made man.

In early morning when he was found. He was naked and they could not wake him. So for some days he was left to sleep. And when he woke, he knew nothing of himself. No name, no place, no people. But around him children would come. And he always made them laugh. So they sent him to the Children’s Home.

The French priest looked at him as he rocked a baby. He stood before a stain glass window of an angel. The priest seeing the sight thought that he was the angel. All alight and with wings. The priest heart thought that he was that angel. The young man looked up at the priest and smiled, so light and elegant.

So graceful. So light. So elegant. Thought the priest. Lucien. We shall call him Lucien.

Uncertainty

I’ve been sat on the edge of the bath for a good half hour now. My bum’s gone a bit numb. I think it’s slowing becoming grafted to the bath. The triangle of sunbeams has shifted its angle of glow from the basin to the space between the door and the towel cabinet.  At some point my brain will accept the information it’s been given. But right now I feel the need to mentally catalogue every inch of my bathroom – to see the good, the bad and the ugly of my hotchpotch bathroom. In it I see the story of my unsatisfactory life; the half formed relationships I lose interest in all too quickly (the shelf I started sanding but never got round to finishing), the family I always mean to stay in touch with (the cracked tile I’m always going to replace but never do).

My whole body feels a bit numb, as if my blood supply has shifted its directional flow and is focused on just one section of my body. And why am I trapped in my bathroom?

I’m trying to add up how many times in my short existence I’ve had to make life changing decisions. In life there are times when decisions must be made.  Not because we want to make them but because we must. Because we have no real choice in the matter. So we must decide – head or heart. And the head stumbles along with its logical arguments for and against. While the heart beats out its tattoo of go go go even if the choice it’s making will break it in two.

I found out today I’m pregnant. That inside of me, wallowing in amniotic fluid is a tiny little seed made up of me and you. Poor kid, what a gene pool to evolve from. It was one of those delightful little sticks you can buy over the counter that broke the news to me. I peed on it and just like magic, it told me.

I still haven’t thrown the stick in the bin. It presented me with such overwhelming news. I feel I should mount it or something. While I decide what should happen, it’s just sitting there on the bevelled top of the loo. Looking for all the world as if it’s a thermometer and wants to take someone’s temperature.

Finding out you’re pregnant can do that to a person. I feel as though I’ve lived my life. I feel as though I owe that little thermometer the life it’s given to me. I look at my belly and lay a hand across my navel. There is a life in me.

I unleash my bum from the bath, I take the little thermometer and look at it. I open the bin and drop it in. Uncertainty was in my make-up since I took the test. Certainty was how I would look at things. Certainty that I was going to tell my best friend. Certainty that I was going to have this baby.