Janis Hill's Blog, page 8

The biggest question from overly optimistic fans – who will play so and so in the movie?

Yes, this is a true question I’m often asked by a lot of well-meaning kind souls who have read Bonnie’s Story a Blonde’s Guide to Mathematics. I really don’t know how serious they are when they ask this question, though I tend to take it more as a tongue in cheek comment and just smile and nod politely. I mean, seriously… let me sell one hundred books before we get too mad people!

But, if I was to jump into the unrealistic world of some talented Movie Producer stumbling over my book, falling in love with it and trying to buy the movie rights… I can’t say I’d actually accept it. No matter how many millions they flashed at me. Thankfully, in the real world, this isn’t an issue so we can all relax. Though, wearing my unrealistic world hat and being thrust into that situation, I love Bonnie’s Story too much to have it taken and ripped apart and put back together again in someone else’s view of how it should be. I don’t want the heart ache of being an author whose only credit to a movie is ‘Based on characters created by…’ as this translates to they’ve taken the names and concepts of your story and used them… while throwing the rest away and making up new stuff and calling it the real story. I’ve seen it happen before and it totally ruins a good book and a good story. I mean, I write and get published as I have a story to tell, not sell. I leave most of the descriptions of people and places vague in such a way that it allows the reader to fill in who they want to see and a place they can relate to. I don’t want to dictate who they look like or what their place looks like to precise details. Readers are smart and tend to have a brilliant imagination, why ruin the fun for them?

And can I take the unrealistic world hat off as it’s messing my hair and clashes with my ‘Author’ badge? No glitter either… just saying.

But it does raise a good question – are you in it for the story or fame and fortune? Not trying to belittle myself or my work here… but I’m in it for the story! If the rest comes can I request the fortune without the fame? As I like being a nobody when out and about. Though, I am good at writing and I do feel my stories have a lot to offer the right reader. I’m just trying to find enough of the right reader to share it with!

The thrill for me with my books, once the writing is all done and it’s out there, is when I get a review from someone and they got what I was trying to tell. They were amused at what I hoped were the funny bits, touched and brought to tears by the same bits I sat there blubbing like a big girl’s blouse while I wrote it, that is my fame, my fortune, as good as a movie deal. My story was told, it was enjoyed and they happen to write about it to tell me (and the rest of the world) I got it right! Yes!

I really don’t want to harp on about ‘it’s all about the joy of being an author, blah de blah’ as remember – there are millions of us out there. But for anyone wanting to be known as a writer or an author I do like to just point out the real world. You may enjoy wearing the unrealistic world hat and expecting to rake it in with your work and kudos to those who achieve it! For the rest of us, for heaven’s sake – just be proud of your work no matter how small the response to it is. Well done you for writing a story, for getting it out there (whether by blog, self-publishing or through a publisher) and having people like it. You did it! Go get a party popper and dance in the streamers! No, I’m actually not being sarcastic here, I mean it. Be proud of who you are and what you’ve achieved. It’s really my opinion on everyone actually, not just writers and authors. Don’t get bogged down in the shoulda, woulda, coulda of the world, the ‘if only…’ and fail to notice what you actually have, what you’ve actually done and how clever you are for doing it.

Oh look, a waffle about being a writer, unrealistic dreams and a pep talk. What lucky, lucky readers you are this week!

Seriously though, when I wrote Bonnie’s Story a Blonde’s Guide to Mathematics I did happen to picture Damian Lewis (in a Soames like persona) as Sylvester. Since finishing the story I have happened to come across a fellow called Dimitri Leonidas and, to me, he just screams Rogan… but please don’t let that cloud your judgement as to what they really look like. They look like who you feel they look like. Though, yeah, Dimitri in a flannel shirt and shabby jeans – Wow! It was a scary moment when I was looking up something and saw Rogan staring at me from the Internet.

To end my blog with the trifecta of writing waffle, pep talk and my mothering nature… anyone out there trying to toilet train a boy and you’ve gotten to the peeing standing up stage and he’s showing no interest. This week I’ve discovered the clever trick of putting a ping pong ball in the toilet bowl and asking my four year old to move it about the bowl with his pee. Sorry to all you non parents out there now cringing and fleeing my TMI moment but to those with boys – Life. Saver.

My last piece of sage advice to this though is – don’t use your daughter’s favourite pink ping pong ball and then let them flush the loo before you’ve used the scoop to retrieve it. Um yeah… let’s just say said favourite ball is now ‘drying somewhere safe’. AKA – will amazingly be returned to daughter once a suitable substitute can be found in the shops, snuck home and slipped into her room as if it’s been there the whole time. Oh yeah, I’m a sneaky mummy. If I can have the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa’s email address for weekly emails to them on my kid’s behaviour, I can assure you I’m capable of nearly anything. Not had to have a pet miraculously change colour though. I was raised rural and death is a reality that is best taught with pets before people.

And that is how you waffle boys and girls.

Until next time,

Janis. XXOO.

My interview with Hague Publishing – 1st of 3.

Yes I know I just bedazzled you all with an epic blog post last night (sarcastic, me?) but the following came through from my publisher after my blog post. If I had known, I would have saved the fascinating story of my children’s talent at naming pets and my love of giant New Zealand rabbits for another time.

The interview can be found on YouTube here.

For the background on how it all came about, keep reading. You know you want to.

As those of you who have read my blog will know, both Bonnie’s Story and Isis, Vampires and Ghosts – Oh My! are signed with the fabulous new Indie publisher – Hague Publishing. As part of being a member of this exclusive little publishing family, I had to give an interview on Youtube about my work.

Look, my books are worth chatting about… but me on Youtube? I still cringe at the thought. Why shatter people’s mental image of me as a striving, stunning and witty person and replace it with the real fat and frumpy me who says ‘Ummm’ too much and doesn’t look at the camera as much as she should? Oh, hang on, you’ve probably seen pictures of me haven’t you and so that mental image I hoped you’d have is just wishful thinking on my part. Damn.

Still, I actually don’t mind the interview and am interested to see how the other two parts come out. The second interview, from memory, is me talking about Bonnie’s Story: A Blonde’s Guide to Mathematics while the third interview is more on Isis, Vampires and Ghosts – Oh My! But they were done about a month ago and a lot has happened since then so I can’t remember. I’m also inheriting my father’s goldfish memory (look, another castle!) and so yeah, struggle with things that happened a week ago let alone that far back.

All the same, watch, hopefully enjoy and please restrict your comments to stuff said in the interview rather than the appearance of the dowdy housewife type sitting there saying ‘um’ a lot. I did mention self-image issues right? Not fishing for compliments, just getting in with the justified barbs before anyone else.

Until next time,

Janis. XXOO

They day in the life of this Author. AKA – Can I really write a blog post without talking about Writing?

Okay, so I’ve been thinking long and hard and really couldn’t find any inspiring author type wisdom to bestow this week. So I thought, meh! Would you rather I skipped a week of posting? Or just waffled about something else?

And yes, yes I did go with waffling about something else. But! It won’t be a waffle about waffles… which I know one of my friends does love me doing. Seriously, it can get even more confusing than the good old Abbott and Costello ‘Who’s on first, What’s on second’.

Instead, I bring you the day in the life of this Author. You lucky, lucky reader you! Today in fact! It started well with a bunch of grumpy, hungry Hordes (the kids), a sleep deprived (thanks to late shift) grumpy husband and me in top stellar grumpy mode from having not had breakfast and deciding to be out in the public in a foul mood. Yes, not a morning person… not a nice person on an empty stomach. I’m just great to be around some mornings.

Still, a trip to the local Adelaide Hills Farmer’s Market for local egg and bacon rolls (all local, including the sour dough rolls and tomato sauce) and sanity and pleasantness was restored. I just wish they did hot chocolate there too… no biggie! We then shopped a bit more at the markets, chatted to family and friends alike had a fab morning in the sun.

After the socialising and essential buying of locally made cakes, bread and what not we decided to really put ourselves (we parents of the group) further into hell by deciding to take the hordes to the local stock feed store for new additions to the family. Now, let me just say I am a rural girl through and through and love visiting a stock feed store! It’s just one of those things from my childhood… don’t ask, I can’t explain.

But the one we have here isn’t the drive through type I grew up with, it’s one you park at and get to wander through. Why? Because they sell stock too! No, not horses, cows, pigs, the usual stock I was used to. Chickens, other poultry and aviary birds, rabbits and guinea pigs, mini stock? Stock lite? Basically we were there for some guinea pigs as we lost of first one a few months ago. No, not literally lost, we know where he is… buried under a special rock in the garden. That kind of lost. And, after a few months to let the hordes get over the loss, we decided it was time for new guinea pigs. Why replace one with three? Well, Barry (said passed GP) was personality plus. I have never met a guinea pig that had his attitude to life… yes, I’ve known a few. And so, as they all had ideas for what to get, we got them one each. All boys. Why? Well, for one thing the boy/ girl ratio in our household was severely uneven and the boys kept complaining about it… three boys to eight girls, and the problem is? But seriously, the main reason was the lovely lady selling them to us couldn’t guarantee the female guinea pigs weren’t pregnant and I was adamant three was all we wanted.

I will just say here that there were some gorgeous and huge rabbits there! And I mean as big as a dog (and not a small one either) big! They’re known as giant New Zealand rabbits and I think I now know why they film the Lord of the Rings movies there… Easy to convert the bloody big rabbit holes into Hobbit ones! And, yes, I would dearly love one of those giant beauties too! But, we have a bunny… a little dwarf lop that would look like a hairball next to these guys.  Still, I know what I’m saving up for when said wee bunny goes to join Barry in the garden. They’re $50 a bunny! But you could almost be paying that per kilo as they really look like meat rabbits. Possibly the reason I want one. No, not to eat it, to feel I saved it from being eaten. Though rabbit is good eating…. Just saying.

Still, as much as I would love one, not now. And no, fans (do I really have any?) shouldn’t feel the need to race out and buy me one as an anonymous present of appreciation. You want to spend that much money on an animal for a stranger go to Childfund Australia, Oxfam, Unicef, etc and go buy a goat or some chickens for a village somewhere. They need it more and you’ll be a better person for doing it. Besides chocolate is easier to post. Not the cheap stuff mind – I am rather picky.

And so we have three new boys in the house… bring the ratio to six vs eight. Yeah, like that will make a difference. Bonnie didn’t get her balls from my imagination people. And these lovely little boys (still really just babies) are now named (in order of the Horde naming them from oldest to youngest): Max the Rock star, Hazel and… and I quote ‘Afraid of Thunder with the Very Big Butt and a Bum Crack’. *sigh* No, no I have no idea why my son has something for  butts and I just hope he grows out of it by the time he gives me grandchildren. As he is only four… there is hope!

Did I mention the names they gave the chickens when we got them a few months ago? Again, named from oldest to youngest horde: Poppy, Nina and… ‘Scratchy with the Very Big Butt and a Huge Bottom’. He’s only four, he’s only four… must remember that. He’s only four.

So anyhow, after getting home and having a bonding and naming session with the new boys we popped them in the cage and got on with the day. It really does get dull and boring from there in and I won’t be going into details. I mean, washing, laundry, Roomba herding from room to room… the usual Saturday really. I cuddle the bunny (named Benny, but not by us) to ensure him he was still top rodent in our heart and enjoyed a few moments – while hanging out the many loads of washing – watching the chickens be at one with my messy, weed engulfed backyard as they chased down stray bugs and anything that caught their beady little eye.

Well, that’s it! My day in the life of being an Author. Wasn’t it just a thrill a minute? Shhh, let’s just pretend it was all glamorous and famously wonderful and not let on that being an author is rather the same as being anyone else on the planet.  I know it’s probably rather different for the rich and famous authors… but there has to be some bonuses of being an emerging no name and that is to be invisible in public.

Next time in the gripping day in the life of an Author… well, if I really do run out of something decent to write and end up doing this again, I promise it won’t be about more animals. Heck, I garden, iron and bake – why not share the thrill a minute those things provide?

Though I will admit that in a couple of weeks’ time there will be a rather interesting festival here in Adelaide. Body in the garden – with international and local garden and crime writers alike converging to discuss their wares. And, yes, I am very excited to say Ann Cleeves with be there and I am looking forward to meeting her after being a twitter friend with her for some time now. And seriously, who could not want to attend the opening discussion Body in the Garden – Crime or Compost? Love. It.

Until next time,

Janis. XXOO

Is modern day time travel really ‘mind travel’?

No, not getting all philosophical on you… well, not intentionally. But my question still stands. And, yes, I know actual real life time travel doesn’t exist. Or so the governments tell us.

So we’ll start by agreeing that actual, dyed in the wool, time travel does not currently exist/ work? Or does it? And it is really more of a mental travel than a physical one?

Okay, yes, there is a mild streak of insanity in that, I grant you. But just hear me out. I will assume readers of my blog are also, like myself, avid readers. So how many of you feel, at the end of a book, you’re transported from another place back to boring old home and have to somehow struggle on with the everyday mundane after learning everything that book just had to say? I bet it’s not just me… and hence mind travel.

Perfect example for me is that I’ve just read a six book series set in Regency England. They were by an author renowned for her Regency era books and I enjoy them for the description of the world, from food to fashion through to the dialect. Yes, I’ve been learning a lot about the cant/slang of the time and will never look at the phrase ‘old hat’ the same way ever again.

But from Friday Faced missus, to the rakes and fops and dandies that surround Prinny to be part of the top ten thousand – the Bon Ton. I do find it hard re-adjusting to my local dialect and remember that hey, I actually do wear the pants in the family, along with my husband. That I’m not one of those blue stocking types, I am an equal and not an alive figurine able to pop out offspring if handled right.

Yes, I do enjoy to dabble in Regency era England. It is my dream to find one of the cryptic cookery books from that era to call my very own. But I hope I’ve got my point across?

Same happens when reading about a certain monk from the twelfth century. I get into my herbal frame of mind… not so much seeking out murderers and ignoring my Abbott. Or who hasn’t wanted to run away to Middle Earth and spend some time in Bag End? Journey to an Edwardian riverbank and watch those ducks a dabbling with Moley and Rat while listening to Toad going Poop poop? Okay… that last one may just be me.

But what I’m trying to say is time travel is possible! Every time we immerse ourselves in a book and feel lost, alone and out of place when it has ended – that’s it! But it’s only our minds, our imaginations that can do it… and we can only do it based on what other people have researched and said about the era. But it does happen. You’re there, in that place, in that time, feeling the events of the book rushing about you. And then you put it down, blink a few times and sigh as you’re just back home in the sane, normal, dull life that surrounds the one within the book. Mind Travel.

The more I think about it, and waffle here, the more I feel Mind Travel is the better phrase to use as I am often hurtled over to the Cotswolds or the Highlands of Scotland while staying close to the twenty first century… again watching as people seek out murderers and motives. But when you think of how most time travelling is depicted, that there are a bunch of shadowy figures watching history unfold… Who’s to say that’s not what it’s like in Mind Travel?

No, don’t go spoiling it by saying these are just works of fiction, made up worlds often based on our own. I will just stick my fingers in my ears and sing loudly until you stop! Because if that’s how you feel you’ve obviously missed the point and honestly don’t feel the same way about being immersed in a book as I do.

I know I’m talking about fictional worlds… but when it comes to Mind Travel – who cares! Seriously, why can’t I go visit a flaky Queen of the Vampires with a love of shoes? Or deeply envy what a real witch’s kitchen is like, with pixies, gargoyles, demons and all? Who’s to say you can’t wash dragon scales out of your clothes if you really try… and where can I get me a dragon to practise it with?

Mind Travel is what makes it all worth it. You can go and be there, witness for yourself and feed off the emotions of the moment. In some ways, it’s better than in real life as it has the option of being closed, put down and stopped to allow you a moment to get over the death of a much loved character or try and get over the fear of just what happened in the bottom of that Pyramid. Real life doesn’t have a stop or off button like this and that’s possibly why so many people like to lose themselves in books as it allows their minds to travel to a nicer place… if even for just a few pages.

In conclusion, yes time travel does currently exist… and in the modern day it really is Mind Travel. And what is best of all is, so long as we have books, we will have the ability to visit the minds of the people who wrote these stories, created these lives, places and times even long after the author themselves has passed.

Sure does beat the heck out of Maths travel any day.

Until next time,

Janis. XXOO

I may not be able to change the world, but I get by. (AKA – Quotes and how to use them.)

Okay, so this week I really didn’t know what to write about and had been thinking of playfully bemoaning that in one hour of my fab new job I earn the equivalent of selling roughly thirty books. And then I took a look at what’s been happening in the world and didn’t feel like I had the right.

With four year olds fleeing gunmen at their local shops, mothers and soon to be mothers lying dead nearby. With landslides engulfing homes of people who didn’t have much else and fires destroying others… yeah, who has the right to whinge over something so fickle?

And so, instead, I’m going to try and reflect on the world in general and see the best of it I can. You see, I am one of those cynical people who – when seeing the woes of the world – tend to take it personally and wish I could make it all better immediately. And sometimes I find it so overwhelming, when I can’t, that I can’t even make my own little dust mote part of the world okay. I feel that’s one of the reason I am obsessed with ironing, as it’s one place I’m in control of taking all the mess and chaos and can let my mind wander through good thoughts while I smooth it all into crisp neatness.

Now that I’ve established that I am a neurotic loony, I’ll try and get to the point of why quotes are so useful when cheering myself up. And, no, I’m not one of those inspirational quotes junkies. In fact, I find them terribly annoying and tend to want to stick them up some part of the anatomy of the person who is sharing it with me. I mean just your basic everyday quotes. And now it’s time to share some of them with you so either sit back, read and relax or off you go. Space Chimp 2 is on the TV if you want to go join the hordes.

So – speaking of the Hordes (my children) – the first quote I will explain why I use so much is: “Be Excellent to each other”. Yes, that’s right, it is from a movie about a couple of goofy air brained guys (Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure) who’s life quote to be excellent to each other changed the world and the future becomes an almost Gene Roddenberry type utopia because of it. No, I am not trying to create this fictional future by enforcing this life philosophy on my kids. But I do feel it is a nice thing to try and teach them. Just… Be Excellent To Each Other. Yes I’m usually trying to calmly enforce it upon them when they’re at each other’s throat but hey! I find it calms me to be saying it rather than joining in the screaming and yelling. See – it’s working!

But seriously, I’m raising my kids to never judge a person by their nationality, religion, political leanings, fashion sense, gender, sexual orientation or the colour of their hair, eyes, skin or teeth. Judge them by their actions to others as that is how they (said hordes) will be judge. And if their actions are to be excellent to each other… geez I hope you can see where I’m trying to go with this as I’m going to start going in circles shortly. But still, it works! I’ve had nearly twenty years in customer service and excel at it by treating people how I myself would like to be treated. And my kids are known for doing the same. Go team Littleton!

Another quote that may come across as a little cheesy, but is another I try and abide by is: “Always look on the bright side of life” (whistle if you feel the need). Not, I am not a glass half full happy go lucky, everyone is wonderful sort of fluffy bunny. In fact I don’t believe in the glass half anything. I’m an all or nothing type so if there is a glass containing a liquid and it’s not full or empty, it is obviously not my glass so stop asking me stupid questions. Yes, this is also known as being a cynical bitch. I don’t have a badge for that, I have the t-shirt instead.

What I try and gain from this Monty Python quote is this – yes life is indeed a piece of shit when you look at it… but if you keep looking at it like that, all you’re left with is manure city. Every time something crappy happens to me, or someone does something crappy – of course I’m going to have a whinge about it! But I then try and see a positive, try and see the bright side of it. Basically accept it for what it is and move on. Actually, that’s a quote I learnt in one of my former jobs – “Accept and move on” as it too is a good motto to have. Things change, not always for the good and more often for the bad. Accept these changes and just move on. Sometimes it is hard, so very hard… and it hurts and you are damaged (maybe mentally or physically). It happens. But the only way to get better is to just accept this crap, look for positives in your life and move on. Occasionally suffering bouts of depression and having low self-esteem means I have an inner voice that is a bigger bitch than me. These two quotes are my biggest weapons against it. I use them to get the right mind set going and hope for the best. It’s working so far.

Another of my favourite quotes, especially as I enjoy playing the dumb blonde years after I stopped being a true blonde, and that is: “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open ones mouth and remove all doubt”. Or something like that. Abraham Lincoln wasn’t it? Yeah, this one can go hand in hand with “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” as, quite frankly, anyone who feels it’s better to attack people with nasty words than try and talk things out… well, they’re most often an idiot. And, from experience, if you find yourself being a silent participant in friend and family outings as you’re following either of these quotes… well, it’s time to sit down and think over exactly why it is you feel you’re an idiot by opening your mouth, or why you need to be rude when you do break the silence. Your bitchy, self-hating inner self has no right to do all the talking you know.

On the flipside to this if you do have a friend who is always silent; sometimes it’s better to brace yourself for stupid, nasty words just to ask “Are you okay?” This is a good quote and shouldn’t be restricted to just something you say when it’s Are you Okay day once a year. Sometimes the silence and rudeness is hiding something that can be cured by someone taking an interest and just being a friend, nothing more or less. Think about it, do you know anyone like this? It’s possible they can’t find that bright side of life without help and by being excellent to them may just be the ray of sunshine they need to penetrate their darkness.

Last quote I will share is one I don’t agree with and needs to be modified. That is: “Survival of the fittest” and this is because it should really be “Survival of the most stubborn” as seriously… cockroaches and rats – not the fittest and riddled with disease. They survive as they’re stubborn little buggers. If you want to be positive and use this quote to show this is why you must strive to survive, realise it’s sheer stubbornness getting you through. You want it, go get it and don’t let anyone stop you. I sort of instil this in my children too… but the Pagan in me makes me add “As long as intentionally harm none in the process”. Oh look, another quote.

Okay, so if you’ve managed to read through to the end of this blog, you’re either rather bored or used to my lite level of insanity. I could add many others like “Look before you leap, act before you think” and so on. But I feel I’ve bared my soul enough for one post.

It really does come down to – Be Excellent to Each Other. We share this world, not own it. What happens in one place can affect us all. And those of us with excess really do need to look at our international neighbours who have very little and see what we can do to help.

Heh, consider yourself given my best Mummy pep talk. Now go out there and be the best you that you can be!

Until next time,

Janis XXOO

Quotes and how to use them.

Okay, so this week I really didn’t know what to write about and had been thinking of playfully bemoaning that in one hour of my fab new job I earn the equivalent of selling roughly thirty books. And then I took a look at what’s been happening in the world and didn’t feel like I had the right.

With four year olds fleeing gunmen at their local shops, mothers and soon to be mothers lying dead nearby. With landslides engulfing homes of people who didn’t have much else and fires destroying others… yeah, who has the right to whinge over something so fickle?

And so, instead, I’m going to try and reflect on the world in general and see the best of it I can. You see, I am one of those cynical people who – when seeing the woes of the world – tend to take it personally and wish I could make it all better immediately. And sometimes I find it so overwhelming, when I can’t, that I can’t even make my own little dust mote part of the world okay. I feel that’s one of the reason I am obsessed with ironing, as it’s one place I’m in control of taking all the mess and chaos and can let my mind wander through good thoughts while I smooth it all into crisp neatness.

Now that I’ve established that I am a neurotic loony, I’ll try and get to the point of why quotes are so useful when cheering myself up. And, no, I’m not one of those inspirational quotes junkies. In fact, I find them terribly annoying and tend to want to stick them up some part of the anatomy of the person who is sharing it with me. I mean just your basic everyday quotes. And now it’s time to share some of them with you so either sit back, read and relax or off you go. Space Chimp 2 is on the TV if you want to go join the hordes.

So – speaking of the Hordes (my children) – the first quote I will explain why I use so much is: “Be Excellent to each other”. Yes, that’s right, it is from a movie about a couple of goofy air brained guys (Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure) who’s life quote to be excellent to each other changed the world and the future becomes an almost Gene Roddenberry type utopia because of it. No, I am not trying to create this fictional future by enforcing this life philosophy on my kids. But I do feel it is a nice thing to try and teach them. Just… Be Excellent To Each Other. Yes I’m usually trying to calmly enforce it upon them when they’re at each other’s throat but hey! I find it calms me to be saying it rather than joining in the screaming and yelling. See – it’s working!

But seriously, I’m raising my kids to never judge a person by their nationality, religion, political leanings, fashion sense, gender, sexual orientation or the colour of their hair, eyes, skin or teeth. Judge them by their actions to others as that is how they (said hordes) will be judge. And if their actions are to be excellent to each other… geez I hope you can see where I’m trying to go with this as I’m going to start going in circles shortly. But still, it works! I’ve had nearly twenty years in customer service and excel at it by treating people how I myself would like to be treated. And my kids are known for doing the same. Go team Littleton!

Another quote that may come across as a little cheesy, but is another I try and abide by is: “Always look on the bright side of life” (whistle if you feel the need). Not, I am not a glass half full happy go lucky, everyone is wonderful sort of fluffy bunny. In fact I don’t believe in the glass half anything. I’m an all or nothing type so if there is a glass containing a liquid and it’s not full or empty, it is obviously not my glass so stop asking me stupid questions. Yes, this is also known as being a cynical bitch. I don’t have a badge for that, I have the t-shirt instead.

What I try and gain from this Monty Python quote is this – yes life is indeed a piece of shit when you look at it… but if you keep looking at it like that, all you’re left with is manure city. Every time something crappy happens to me, or someone does something crappy – of course I’m going to have a whinge about it! But I then try and see a positive, try and see the bright side of it. Basically accept it for what it is and move on. Actually, that’s a quote I learnt in one of my former jobs – “Accept and move on” as it too is a good motto to have. Things change, not always for the good and more often for the bad. Accept these changes and just move on. Sometimes it is hard, so very hard… and it hurts and you are damaged (maybe mentally or physically). It happens. But the only way to get better is to just accept this crap, look for positives in your life and move on. Occasionally suffering bouts of depression and having low self-esteem means I have an inner voice that is a bigger bitch than me. These two quotes are my biggest weapons against it. I use them to get the right mind set going and hope for the best. It’s working so far.

Another of my favourite quotes, especially as I enjoy playing the dumb blonde years after I stopped being a true blonde, and that is: “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open ones mouth and remove all doubt”. Or something like that. Abraham Lincoln wasn’t it? Yeah, this one can go hand in hand with “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” as, quite frankly, anyone who feels it’s better to attack people with nasty words than try and talk things out… well, they’re most often an idiot. And, from experience, if you find yourself being a silent participant in friend and family outings as you’re following either of these quotes… well, it’s time to sit down and think over exactly why it is you feel you’re an idiot by opening your mouth, or why you need to be rude when you do break the silence. Your bitchy, self-hating inner self has no right to do all the talking you know.

On the flipside to this if you do have a friend who is always silent; sometimes it’s better to brace yourself for stupid, nasty words just to ask “Are you okay?” This is a good quote and shouldn’t be restricted to just something you say when it’s Are you Okay day once a year. Sometimes the silence and rudeness is hiding something that can be cured by someone taking an interest and just being a friend, nothing more or less. Think about it, do you know anyone like this? It’s possible they can’t find that bright side of life without help and by being excellent to them may just be the ray of sunshine they need to penetrate their darkness.

Last quote I will share is one I don’t agree with and needs to be modified. That is: “Survival of the fittest” and this is because it should really be “Survival of the most stubborn” as seriously… cockroaches and rats – not the fittest and riddled with disease. They survive as they’re stubborn little buggers. If you want to be positive and use this quote to show this is why you must strive to survive, realise it’s sheer stubbornness getting you through. You want it, go get it and don’t let anyone stop you. I sort of instil this in my children too… but the Pagan in me makes me add “As long as intentionally harm none in the process”. Oh look, another quote.

Okay, so if you’ve managed to read through to the end of this blog, you’re either rather bored or used to my lite level of insanity. I could add many others like “Look before you leap, act before you think” and so on. But I feel I’ve bared my soul enough for one post.

It really does come down to – Be Excellent to Each Other. We share this world, not own it. What happens in one place can affect us all. And those of us with excess really do need to look at our international neighbours who have very little and see what we can do to help.

Heh, consider yourself given my best Mummy pep talk. Now go out there and be the best you that you can be!

Until next time,

Janis XXOO

How do I know I’m a writer? The proof is out there!

Okay, so we all know I’m an author – those who read my blog will anyhow. Some of you may have even heard of the “I’m an Author!” badge I say I wear. Yes the home-made one that’s got glitter that makes it look so official.

But how do I really know I’m a writer? Not so much an author, as that’s just the icing on the cake, but a writer. That tormented soul that struggled so hard to actually write something long enough, decent enough and strong enough to be published and therefore transformed the little caterpillar writer into that beautiful butterfly of an author. Yeah, I can assure you my actual real writing isn’t that terrible. Just remember that until they create an internationally recognised sarcasm font that pretty much everything I write is sarcastic. I find warning people like that helps.

The proof I’m a writer came to me last night. See, I’ve just commenced a new job contract as an IT nerd type person for a great new place. What I’ve basically done there in my first week, besides the usual reading of essential induction documents and training papers, is write!

Yes it’s been SOP (Standard Operating Procedures) or WI (Work Instructions) that I was asked to read and ended up attacking with my professional eye and lovely new red pen. But it was still writing to me. I revelled in it, thrilled in it and got quite excited over exactly how much work there was that needed doing and trying to figure out how to get them to let me do it. It wasn’t exactly what I was hired for, but still did my little happy dance when given the nod to hack into it!

No, that’s not the proof I’m a writer. That’s just the proof that I breathe and exist, therefore I write. To me, what nailed down the lid on the coffin of doubt, was the fact I would come home after spending thirty eight hours of my week writing – to want to write some more!

However, I will freely admit that technical document writing is far different from fiction writing. For one thing, doco work is best when short, sharp and shiny with lots of useful pictures for those readers who want to get it done without having to do any real reading… While fiction writing, to me anyhow, is long and wordy works – always pushing to see if I can crack that one hundred thousand word count – and the only picture you’ll get out of me is the one on the cover. And thankfully that’s been done by a professional artist and, well, not me!

What gave away that I needed to come home and write fiction was the sarcasm slowly dripping into the Standard Operating Procedure I happened to be working on come Friday afternoon. Yes, I even had to leave notes in it for my boss to try and ignore the sarcasm as it would be smoothed out before publication. Hmmm, perhaps I should change my motto to – ‘I breathe and exist, therefore I must write sarcastically.’ What do you think?

And don’t think I write and must always write because I have no life. Have you not been paying attention to the fact I have those hordes, hubby and menagerie? All week I’d spend an hour and a half getting to work, eight hours there and then another hour to get home. Once landed, there was a good two and a half hours of Haus Frauing and Horde wrangling to accomplish before I was able to collapse on the couch, draw the laptop towards me and… write some more. Okay, well yeah. Perhaps that’s not having a fun life but it still meant I had more things to be doing with my time.

All in all I strongly feel I have proven I’m a writer. Yes it does sound cheesy when I tell people ‘I write, therefore I am’ but it’s true! Who needs a hobby when an obsession is so much easier to rub along with?

Oh, and a final note to all this is something my eldest came up with the other day. ‘Mummy’ she said, ‘When you sell one of your books, is that like getting Brownie Points?’

Yes my love, to me it certainly is.

Until next time,

Janis. XXOO

Too many stories and not enough time to write them!

I hope I am not alone with this dilemma, but I have at least a dozen story ideas started on my computer that I’ve never found the time to finish… not mentioning the boxes of note books of similarly incomplete stories from my childhood and teens. Please tell me this is a common affliction for those who have been writing all their lives but sadly have to keep up with the ‘real jobs’ and so keep writing as a hobby?

It’s not that I never finish a story – far from it. I’ve finished a few! And not just the ones that have been published, or are about to be published. No, there’s a few novellas and poems and what not that are done and dusted, but seriously not worth much more than being used as blog fodder. Plus there were those years I wasted my writing time and talent on an online role playing game for Star Trek. What, you didn’t realise I would be a Trekkie too? *gasp* What is wrong with you? Have you not been keeping up with my blogs?

And so, what do we do with these unfinished stories? Well, if you’re anything like me they’re never forgotten and I often start thinking about how to continue with say the boy who lives in the world of the dream warriors, or whether Jason and Quair ever stop being lost out in the wilderness. Or even, will Torascx ever get home after being stranded on earth with the weird but wonderful Dana to help him?

Oh, don’t worry, it’s okay if you have no idea what I am referring too, very few people do, but I’m sending a bug hug out to all those who can nod their heads and say ‘Yes, when are you going to finish that?’ As, yes, my friends and family who have been forced to read, or listen to me read, this work over the years have never forgotten them and often put in requests as to which story I should finish next.

But do I? Sometimes I open them up and have a bit of a tippy tap at them, but sadly the biggest reason I never finish them all is there is always a new one starting to form in my head. And, more often than not, that is the one I then plunge into. Thankfully they are also the ones I tend to finish these days as I have become so obsessed with actually getting the damned things out of my head and onto the paper.

So maybe the reason I haven’t finished the older stories is not because I can’t, but because I don’t want to. These characters, images and stories have been such a part of my imagination for so long that maybe removing them onto said paper will mean I leave great big holes I just can’t fill?

Nah, it would be too romantic to think that, right? Quite frankly I feel it’s more because I’m a bit of a slack tart. But mostly because there really isn’t enough time in my day to be a full time writer. If there was, if I really did have the chance to spend twelve hours of most days writing… more would get finished and more would depart. But hey, it’s not as if they wouldn’t be quickly replaced.

To be a full time writer, would that really do it? Not be a mum and a Haus Frau and an IT contractor (my current three full time jobs) and just sit and write and not have to worry about hordes, home or where the money is coming from for the next bill. Heck, I’d have a damned good go at making it happen, but I suffer terribly from procrastination and a sunny day with a garden bed that needs weeding, or a pile of ironing that is just going to sit there… they will always distract me and tempt me back to the real world. Still, weeding and ironing are fun for me as it’s a time my imagination gets my full attention and many a good story idea has come from that time well spent.

And so, yes, there will always be too many stories to write and not enough time to do it in. Though it would be nice – from time to time – to get out one of the older ones, get it dusted off and see if it’s still worth the effort. Though I do get annoyed, when rereading some of them, that some bugger has since taken one of my fabulous ideas and turned it into a story of their own. I mean, how rude is that?

My advice to anyone in a similar situation, someone else that has too many stories and not enough time to finish any of them is: Don’t stress, some of mine have been in a holding pattern inside my head for years. They can wait! Focus on one, just the one, and write it. Finish it. Get it out of your head and onto that paper. Once it’s done you can get the rest of them to draw straws and choose the next one!

As the old saying goes – you can’t eat the elephant in a single bite. Take small nibbles and eventually it will all be gone. This is the attitude I take to my Haus Frauing when there is so much to do, and it’s the advice I’ve started taking to my writing – and it works!

So, go out there, nibble your elephant! Um, yeah, so I may not be the best at motivational speaking but I hope you get the gist anyhow.

Happy writing, until next time.

Janis. XXOO

Interview with THE Hairdresser.

In this week’s blog I am going for something slightly different and hopefully whimsical. Due to Bonnie taking over the running of the Bonnie’s Story – A blonde’s Guide to Mathematics Facebook page here, I thought I’d interview her so we all got to know her a little better.

Let’s see how it goes…

 ***

So, Bonnie tell us a little bit more about yourself?

Well, I am an award winning hairdresser who works now part time for Yvonne’s Hair Dreams Salon. Yeah I can assure you she pays me enough to actually want to admit that or say that cringe worthy name out loud in an interview. My boss is nice enough, when spoken to in the right tone of voice, and is actually called Pam so go figure!

Other than that, I like to travel, got a fair bit of it done over the past year and have a mighty fine snow dome collection growing out of it. We just won’t go into the gut wrenching Maths That Stays that gives me the freedom to travel so much. It has its positives and all, but man the negatives are a major kick in the pants.

Have you and Rogan settled down together yet? Or is he still living on the Moon?

Urgh! Just don’t get me started on Mr ‘I love you and want to be a part of your life but don’t actually want to stop living on the Moon in case I get a grey hair’! Yes we are still together and yes I know he loves me very much, as I do him… but he is one of the biggest commitment-phobes around.

And seriously, why would he want to live in that stale, smelly and grey hole known as the Moon when my gorgeous worker’s cottage has plenty of space. I’ve even offered to let him set some of his black boards up in the spare room; all I get is a blank stare as if I am missing the point. Damn him!

How well are you getting along with The Gang?

Oh, they have their moments but all in all are a sweet bunch of guys. If you go in for the sort of guy who is able to calculate Pi to its thousandth digit but are unable to tie their own shoelaces, boy do I have the group of eligible bachelors for you! Just don’t expect them to make eye contact when they talk to you. Seriously shoes suddenly appear fascinating to them.

As for getting along, it’s great. Yeah they’ve gone and had a ‘Bonnie must not deliberately coerce us’ jar installed that’s twice the size of the ‘swear’ jar they originally installed for me… and seriously I don’t know why. It’s not as if I’m trying to change how they do things or anything. Just suggest stuff like, oh I don’t know, coasters under their drinks, actually washing their dirty dishes and remembering that the toilet seat is always meant to be down. Why I am out of pocket almost fifty dollars a week from mere suggestions, I just don’t know. But I do feel Clara has something to do with it.

Speaking of Clara, have the two of you become friends yet? Or at least learnt to get along?

Oh dear God do not use that F word around me when discussing Clara! Who knew smart science girls can be such a pill? I did not steal her man, I am not out to get her and I wish people would stop blaming me for her hair now being shorter than it used to be. I was asked to give everyone a haircut, for free I might add, and she happened to sit in the chair I was using. How was I supposed to know she was just tying her shoelaces on her way out somewhere? I mean, seriously! It’s not as if I’m a mind reader!

When talking about the new world you have discovered through Rogan, what ONE thing would be your favourite?

I know I am meant to be all cutesy and lovey dovey and answer that it’s Rogan… but come on girls… Actual Belgian chocolates from Belgian any time he so much as remotely pisses me off. How awesome is that? No I don’t sometimes just get mad at him to get the chocolates, despite what someone has been trying to suggest to The Gang. But she is just upset I’ve stopped sharing them with her now Rogan has realised I don’t like the ginger pralines.

And what would be your least favourite thing?

Well, yeah… Sylvester wasn’t such an awesome moment in our lives. And I know I am probably expected to say it’s Clara but it’s not. The hygiene levels of The Gang rate pretty highly mind you.

However, I would have to say it’s the actual Maths Travel. Oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely awesome to be able to travel anywhere in the world I want, as long as we have a picture of it, and whenever I want… but that it turns me into a sick to the stomach zombie for several hours after each trip makes all the other bad things pale in comparison.

That and Nimirlan’s singing. Yeah, just. Don’t. If he ever asks you to go to karaoke with him. Just. Say. No.

So you still get sick from ‘Maths Travel’?

Oh hell yeah! I mean, not barf my guts up sort of sick, but still. The whole Gang has tried to come up with why it happens, even Clara, and we’re no closer to a solution. Something about me having too tight a hold on reality to allow the shifting of location in a matter of seconds to pass unnoticed? I swear Clara is only pretending to help and some of the horrid concoctions she’s come up with really have made me barf my guts up.

That reminds me, she owes me a new pair of shoes…

People want to know, how IS Mr Doodles doing?

Ha ha! Oh he’s doing fine. Seriously I think his outer fluffy coat mirrors an inner fluffy brain. Yes a door suddenly appearing on my back verandah did seem to unsettle him for a while but it’s all good. He’s living the life of a spoilt, if not sometimes forgotten, lap dog at the absent minded professors house AKA my parents. It’s all good.

What does your family think about all this?

My mum and dad? Well, not much really. But that’s mainly because I’ve decided it’s in the ‘just too hard’ basket and so left it as just introducing them to Rogan and stating that he is my latest boyfriend.

As for my brother? I shudder to think of what would happen if I told him. He’d either become a member of The Gang and take over and just ruin everything with his bossy nature and annoying complaints or he’d be rejected by The Gang and become as bad as Sylvester. Just not as good looking or charismatic.

What plans do you, Rogan and The Gang have for the future?

Short term we’re about to go backpacking around the Bahamas. Yeah, I hadn’t taken them for the outdoorsy type either but apparently they’re fine as long as they treat it like some sort of expedition. Me, it’s all coconut palms and white beaches.

Long term, I really don’t know. Rogan owes me another session of us sitting down so he can teach me some more of the twists and tricks Maths That Stays can do. Something about Pockets in Time? Yeah, not too sure if I am going to enjoy that and he has been warned to woo me good and proper before telling me something too earth shattering. Well, I mean something else that is earth shattering.

Have you learnt how to use Maths That Stays yet?

Urgh! Don’t get me started on all that nonsense either. Yeah so what if I can’t do it? Do I really really need to know? It’s not as if I’m ever going to use Maths That Stays solo as I need someone to look after me during my zombie cotton wool time. Besides, the last time Rogan tried to teach me I ended up owing the new jar over one hundred dollars. I mean, if The Gang want to turn Rogan trying to teach me things into a spectator sport they deserve everything that happens to them. I still don’t know why it was my fault. Yeah maybe I should have used a better phrase than suggesting Jelly just stick my phone somewhere… I was angry and he started it!

And, finally, it being Election Day – which party will you be voting for? Can you do an absentee vote from the Moon?

Sadly ‘no’ to the absentee vote. So I stuck around my home and avoided the Moon for the last week just to ensure I didn’t get all caught up in things and actually miss the day.

As for who I voted for? If I tell you that you know I’d then just have to kill you. And where would my sequel be then lady?

But vote I did, those Suffragettes didn’t go through hell for me to just gripe about it, so I’ve gone and numbered all the boxes as I saw fit.

Actually, I’ve often thought of having a go at politics myself… but seriously don’t think it’s worth the effort. Yes I could ensure I always got things done my way, but Bonnie for PM? I don’t think so. I saw how they treated our last lady in power. It’s much easier to stick to being a blonde, being a hairdresser and splitting my time between here and on the Moon.

I wouldn’t get to backpack around the Bahamas at the drop of a hat either.

***

Until next time,

Janis. XXOO

I have the Murder Mystery blues…

As some of you may remember, I decided to embark on writing a cosy crime series a few months back. And I did indeed have fun making up humorous titles for this series of twenty-six stories set in my much loved Adelaide Hills. I quickly established my heroine, her history and the town she now calls home. I even mentally sketched out the basic plot, who was to be murdered and who was to be the murderer. I also outlined some funny snippets here and there throughout this series from middle aged cheer leaders to tormented members of the CWA (Country Women’s Association) who are at their wits end when it comes to trying to teach the basics of baking to said heroine.

And yet… And yet when it came time to do the deed of killing the titled character in a locked room in Stirling, my procrastinating nature came into full play. I simply couldn’t kill my Autumnal Artist. I knew who was doing it, how and then how they managed to escape the locked room. But could I write it? No!

My joke is I can travel around the world by Maths, I have released earthed demons and bound myself to ghosts… so why can’t I kill an artist in a locked room?

Some of my friends, who I have lamented about this to, say it is easier to write/ think about killing someone I know, rather than someone you’ve made up. Not true! I’ve killed many characters before and honestly didn’t know a single one of them. Perhaps it’s more I don’t want to kill them in case someone sees themselves in the character and takes offence. I mean, I am trying to weave as much of my home into this work. Am I really that worried about offending a local as they feel I’ve taken a grudge and bumped them off? I don’t think I am, but maybe…?

I mean, yes I threatened to put a writer friend into one of my works as she was teasing me one day. But would I knock her off? Are there any legal ramifications to killing someone in writing only? How do the real murder mystery writers do it? And I do say real ones as I am not one yet… and if I keep this procrastinating up maybe I never will be?

All the same, I can’t despair as this procrastinating and avoiding the death of an artist has encouraged me to work on more paranormal work. It’s the sequel to Isis, Vampires and Ghosts – Oh My! (which has just had its publishing contract finalised with Hague Publishing by the way) and is tentatively titled There’s no place like Hell. So far so good.

Some may say that because I read so much paranormal fiction, I write it also. Yeeees, but I’ve been absorbed in reading the Agatha Raisin series by M.C. Beaton of late and I really don’t feel you can get more cosy crime than that! She kills people, I wonder how easy she finds it all?

Oh well, I will find a way, and the right sort of blunt object to bump off my artist. I am sure I will. And I will freely admit this weekly post is a bit of a rushed waffle as we had a fabulously warm and sunny day here today and I spent most of it out in the garden with the new chickens. So perhaps that is also why I can’t kill her? Or was that just my procrastinating nature again?

Still, this may be a sign that cosy crime is not for me… despite how much fun coming up with plots and titles can truly be. And I will never give up reading this genre as it’s just too much fun to avoid.

For now, I will go back to consorting with demons, chatting to ghosts and possibly even approaching the side effects of Maths That Stays – pockets of time. That is going to be fun!

Until next time,

Janis XXOO