B.P. Gregory's Blog: These Characters Aren't Terrified Enough, page 3
December 29, 2017
Free Short Story to Celebrate Summer
It's hot, it's dusty, and so dry that when summer runs its rasp-rasp-rasp tongue across your skin you can't cool down. So in lieu of sleeping, there's always time to stroll in the bush and pop out a quick free short story in celebration of this most magical time of the year.
I
by BP Gregory
I Copyright © 2017 BP Gregory
All Rights Reserved.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This work is copyright apart from any use permitted under the Copyright Act 1968. This work may not be reproduced or transmitted in part or in its entirety in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, nor may any other exclusive right be exercised, without the prior written consent of the author BP Gregory, except where permitted by law.
This is a work of fiction. Places and place names are either fictional, or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to persons either living or dead is purely co-incidental.
Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author. It’s the folk who love books who help writers keep going.
Spilled out at last into the tumbling fullness of life, ravenous for existence that is for me, only for me. None match my hunger, my passion.
While packed away in impatience, waiting, I'd watched the dapple swaying over translucent shell like a secret code. Bright/cool, bright/cool. And my longing to seize and cram it in my mouth like a tangible thing near cracked me in half. The bright would burn, spicy and invigorating. The coolness would be sweetness filling me up, success, gains.
My freed siblings and I cascade over countless jade plateaus that twist and flash glorious in the sun. Bounty. Infinite fields that we shall consume, grind into ragged lace, in our frenzy to construct mighty engines of flight.
I rear up to behold it all, my kingdom. The air dashes past my bare skin, inspiring, terrifying, threatening to rip me free. It dares! I vow to destroy more than any other. To be the first to fling myself from these ravaged slices of heaven into the roaring void and make it rightfully mine. All mine.
Now through many feet I can feel my family's war drums. Come, come, the drums beckon, quickening straight to my core. Let us consume the world, for we are mighty. Come, that all this may be ours.
We mass, we seethe, and I push my length armored in mighty spines deep into their midst. Above us spines clash, they rattle, as pleasing a war cry as the throbbing drums. Thousands of siblings so like me that they might have been I. I shove my way to central domination for I alone know the truth: they exist only to be plucked. A vast fleshy shield to grant my passage to glory.
As though conjured by such a thought, searing enough to scorch reality, our army is abruptly cast into shadow.
Chaos. Confusion. Through it all drums roar, summoning us tighter and all to protect me.
I'm noble enough at heart to spare a brief prayer for the final desperate seconds of some hapless sibling, following so close on the heels of their first breath. It's facetious: I feel naught but the joyous pumping of life.
A hard mouth, a cavern, a tunnel to lightless eternity opens above and in doing so blots out the sky. It is orange, hard orange like poison, and pink inside. I see a ridged alien tongue the size of my whole world darting eagerly. Feathers rush.
No!
Not for me!
Not me.
November 30, 2017
Holiday Reading Madness!
It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas ...
And whether you celebrate the big red man, the adorable little baby, or our great lord Cthulhu, the holiday period is a great time to get back into your reading!
To help out with that I've got some horror, some science fiction, and a mixed bag (for those who love to read intermittently) of ebook stories all marked down to 99c to the end of December.
Horror - The Town
Kate knows what she saw on the satellite footage: the burnt out remains of a town. But she was drunk, the evidence vanishes and nobody believes her.
Determined to prove it at any cost and fascinated to know who would want to live hidden in the middle of nowhere she takes co-worker Lin and sets out into remote bushland and farms, exposing them both to a slew of horrible urban legends, sinister locals, and the mystery of too many people who vanished over the years with nowhere to go.
Get your copy of The Town from Amazon Kindle, Nook, or iBooks.
Science Fiction - Something for Everything
Long ago humanity retreated into migrating cities, leaving the landscape to monsters. Within the safety of walls the caste of Surgeons are denied human touch to preserve their skills.
A Surgeon must not be touched. The city can never stop. Comforting truths to live by. But the other cities have fallen silent. Fear stalks the streets. And John the Surgeon craves touch more than anything.
Monsters, machines and roaming cities, insanity, betrayal and lust: centuries later, the seeds of grim legacy sown in Automatons have borne strange fruit indeed...
Get your copy of Something for Everything from Amazon Kindle, Nook, or iBooks.
Mixed Bag - Orotund, Collected Short Stories Volume II
A paroled monster, a prostitute and a policeman all see a little girl lost, but this isn't the start of a joke. An isolated, frail old man trapped in his apartment; what possible threat could he pose to the sociopaths next door?
Take a stroll down humanity's eerie back alleys and enjoy BP Gregory's newest short science fiction, urban fantasy and horror stories neatly packaged together in Orotund: Collected Short Stories Volume Two.
Get your copy of Orotund from Amazon Kindle, Nook, or iBooks.
Because at this time of year, sneaking in a little treat for yourself shouldn't break the bank.
Wishing you all a lovely and safe time over the holidays!
And whether you celebrate the big red man, the adorable little baby, or our great lord Cthulhu, the holiday period is a great time to get back into your reading!
To help out with that I've got some horror, some science fiction, and a mixed bag (for those who love to read intermittently) of ebook stories all marked down to 99c to the end of December.
Horror - The Town
Kate knows what she saw on the satellite footage: the burnt out remains of a town. But she was drunk, the evidence vanishes and nobody believes her.
Determined to prove it at any cost and fascinated to know who would want to live hidden in the middle of nowhere she takes co-worker Lin and sets out into remote bushland and farms, exposing them both to a slew of horrible urban legends, sinister locals, and the mystery of too many people who vanished over the years with nowhere to go.
Get your copy of The Town from Amazon Kindle, Nook, or iBooks.
Science Fiction - Something for Everything
Long ago humanity retreated into migrating cities, leaving the landscape to monsters. Within the safety of walls the caste of Surgeons are denied human touch to preserve their skills.
A Surgeon must not be touched. The city can never stop. Comforting truths to live by. But the other cities have fallen silent. Fear stalks the streets. And John the Surgeon craves touch more than anything.
Monsters, machines and roaming cities, insanity, betrayal and lust: centuries later, the seeds of grim legacy sown in Automatons have borne strange fruit indeed...
Get your copy of Something for Everything from Amazon Kindle, Nook, or iBooks.
Mixed Bag - Orotund, Collected Short Stories Volume II
A paroled monster, a prostitute and a policeman all see a little girl lost, but this isn't the start of a joke. An isolated, frail old man trapped in his apartment; what possible threat could he pose to the sociopaths next door?
Take a stroll down humanity's eerie back alleys and enjoy BP Gregory's newest short science fiction, urban fantasy and horror stories neatly packaged together in Orotund: Collected Short Stories Volume Two.
Get your copy of Orotund from Amazon Kindle, Nook, or iBooks.
Because at this time of year, sneaking in a little treat for yourself shouldn't break the bank.
Wishing you all a lovely and safe time over the holidays!
August 28, 2017
The starving folk in rags love gathering on my lawn ...
The starving folk in rags love gathering on my lawn ...
Brand spanking new odd urban fantasy short story White Picket is now available! It includes bonus short Abstract, because two shorts are better than one.
Depending on how you like to devour your fiction, available to enjoy free via the usual suspects: Nook, itunes, Smashwords, Kobo ...
HOWEVER, the various kindle stores (US, AU, UK, etc) won't let me put it up for free delectation, so if you feel like tossing me a few pennies to feed my fiction addiction head over there and make it rain.
Brand spanking new odd urban fantasy short story White Picket is now available! It includes bonus short Abstract, because two shorts are better than one.
Depending on how you like to devour your fiction, available to enjoy free via the usual suspects: Nook, itunes, Smashwords, Kobo ...
HOWEVER, the various kindle stores (US, AU, UK, etc) won't let me put it up for free delectation, so if you feel like tossing me a few pennies to feed my fiction addiction head over there and make it rain.
July 27, 2017
A well oiled stick of books ...
Know what I like?
Efficiency.
The kind of efficiency that lets you slide from book 1 to book 2 like a well oiled stick of butter.
In other news, Hard Plastic Candy , the Omnibus Edition of Automatons (book 1 Automatons, and book 2 Something for Everything) is now out!
Perhaps the world ended and we brought it on ourselves. Spanning hundreds of years, books one and two of Automatons are a stripping bare of the ways people stumble blindly down the same old paths, and how we find it so much easier to be humane to our technology than each other.
Efficiency.
The kind of efficiency that lets you slide from book 1 to book 2 like a well oiled stick of butter.
In other news, Hard Plastic Candy , the Omnibus Edition of Automatons (book 1 Automatons, and book 2 Something for Everything) is now out!
Perhaps the world ended and we brought it on ourselves. Spanning hundreds of years, books one and two of Automatons are a stripping bare of the ways people stumble blindly down the same old paths, and how we find it so much easier to be humane to our technology than each other.
July 1, 2017
Who doesn't love free things?
I do love free things!
Smashwords summer/winter sale now on - my books and lots by many other awesome writers discounted (use the code at checkout).
https://www.smashwords.com/profile/vi...
Smashwords summer/winter sale now on - my books and lots by many other awesome writers discounted (use the code at checkout).
https://www.smashwords.com/profile/vi...
June 27, 2017
Slowly Filling My Home With Creepy Things
Let me show you my new addition.
If you can't read the text, it says "Packing Beef, Walhalla. 45." It's a print of an image you can also find in Trove, part of a series of photographs of goods being hauled up the steep track to the Australian mining town of Walhalla, possibly around 1905 according to the Trove entry (http://catalogue.nla.gov.au/Record/47...) .
For a quick reference as to what life in Walhalla may have been like in 1905 here are some images, and the last three links are reported fatal incidents that occurred in the town that year:
http://www.victorianplaces.com.au/nod...
http://trove.nla.gov.au/newspaper/art...
http://trove.nla.gov.au/newspaper/art...
http://trove.nla.gov.au/newspaper/art...
The more you examine this photo the more eerie it becomes: from the glistening exposed ribs slung across the horses' backs, the glower of the menfolk, and the single child with a possible facial abnormality who appears distressed. As a fan of Laird Barron's The Men from Porlock I had to have it.
If you can't read the text, it says "Packing Beef, Walhalla. 45." It's a print of an image you can also find in Trove, part of a series of photographs of goods being hauled up the steep track to the Australian mining town of Walhalla, possibly around 1905 according to the Trove entry (http://catalogue.nla.gov.au/Record/47...) .
For a quick reference as to what life in Walhalla may have been like in 1905 here are some images, and the last three links are reported fatal incidents that occurred in the town that year:
http://www.victorianplaces.com.au/nod...
http://trove.nla.gov.au/newspaper/art...
http://trove.nla.gov.au/newspaper/art...
http://trove.nla.gov.au/newspaper/art...
The more you examine this photo the more eerie it becomes: from the glistening exposed ribs slung across the horses' backs, the glower of the menfolk, and the single child with a possible facial abnormality who appears distressed. As a fan of Laird Barron's The Men from Porlock I had to have it.
June 7, 2017
Sneaky Sneaky Round 2
A special sneak preview of my current novel in progress Flora & Jim, from Chapter 1 Draft 2 “Pursuit.”
The world is frozen. The animals ascendant. And, locked in desperate pursuit of "the other father" across a grim icy apocalypse, Jim will do anything to keep his daughter alive.
Flora & Jim is my fifth novel, scheduled for release late 2018.
Copyright © 2017 BP Gregory.
All Rights Reserved.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This work is copyright apart from any use permitted under the Copyright Act 1968. This work may not be reproduced or transmitted in part or in its entirety in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, nor may any other exclusive right be exercised, without the prior written consent of the author BP Gregory, except where permitted by law.
This is a work of fiction. Places and place names are either fictional or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to persons either living or dead is purely co-incidental.
Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author. It’s the folk who love books who help writers keep going.
It wasn’t obvious what had happened. Otherwise I might have done better. Unfortunately, squinting through the slits of crude snow goggles all my attention was for those tantalising figures up front. Biggie and shorty, just like little Flora and me, like our evil shadows cast ahead. The bright clean air that whooshed down the canyon between buildings and gnawed into your face could be a dirty old liar but they looked so close! If their desperate flight made any sound it was obliterated by the harsh chug of my own pipes.
No … no, wait. Breath spluttered. The kid had stopped. Was turning, resolute, while his taller guardian jerked clumsily at his arm. Anxiety crackled in direct conduit along the icy tarmac, them to me; and at the mere taste my tattered heart swelled and I picked up leaden feet. Fear was the path I’d tread to finally, finally catch them.
But the boy became harder to see the closer I trudged. Silhouetted against the glare: a throwback to the stained glass icons of all those churches that no longer existed, bright-bleeding saints who frowned down as you shivered in your musty pew, nowhere to hide from the damning illumination that poured from them.
Had to be some kind of trick. It looked like the child was pointing. As stern as any holy martyr. Pointing at me? Irresistibly I quailed, slowed in pursuit, bellied down to escape that spotlight. Why would anyone point at me? Grasping desperately, I glanced behind.
In the pounding heart of the chase to twist and see Flora flat out on the road, which would only steal her precious heat, like a toddler throwing a tantrum …
‘Fuck’s sake, get up!’ I all but screamed at my daughter. I ripped off the goggles, their weight had been bowing my scarecrow neck. ‘They’re getting away!’ Biggie had bundled up his charge to run. Dissolving into the light.
My shrill frustration clanged off the rotten empty buildings, this rotten empty city, too loud to be taken back. We’d risked so much in the pursuit! Strayed from customs known for keeping us alive.
The echoes rang out. Flora was not getting up.
Too late my miserable guts billowed inside-out. Too late my angry squinting picked out detail: Flora’s small limbs hammering the brittle tarmac, the biting air, herself, as though to drum all these from reality.
I was already slipping and sliding back to where my baby girl fluttered like a bird cast down. ‘Not too fast, Jimbo,’ I moaned in reflex, wanting to go faster. ‘Steady, steady.’ The sled jerked and skidded behind my measured lunges.
Flora’s seizure eased even as I reached her. I couldn’t help myself: I glanced up one last time at the other father and his son but it was like they had never been there.
The world is frozen. The animals ascendant. And, locked in desperate pursuit of "the other father" across a grim icy apocalypse, Jim will do anything to keep his daughter alive.
Flora & Jim is my fifth novel, scheduled for release late 2018.
Copyright © 2017 BP Gregory.
All Rights Reserved.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This work is copyright apart from any use permitted under the Copyright Act 1968. This work may not be reproduced or transmitted in part or in its entirety in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, nor may any other exclusive right be exercised, without the prior written consent of the author BP Gregory, except where permitted by law.
This is a work of fiction. Places and place names are either fictional or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to persons either living or dead is purely co-incidental.
Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author. It’s the folk who love books who help writers keep going.
It wasn’t obvious what had happened. Otherwise I might have done better. Unfortunately, squinting through the slits of crude snow goggles all my attention was for those tantalising figures up front. Biggie and shorty, just like little Flora and me, like our evil shadows cast ahead. The bright clean air that whooshed down the canyon between buildings and gnawed into your face could be a dirty old liar but they looked so close! If their desperate flight made any sound it was obliterated by the harsh chug of my own pipes.
No … no, wait. Breath spluttered. The kid had stopped. Was turning, resolute, while his taller guardian jerked clumsily at his arm. Anxiety crackled in direct conduit along the icy tarmac, them to me; and at the mere taste my tattered heart swelled and I picked up leaden feet. Fear was the path I’d tread to finally, finally catch them.
But the boy became harder to see the closer I trudged. Silhouetted against the glare: a throwback to the stained glass icons of all those churches that no longer existed, bright-bleeding saints who frowned down as you shivered in your musty pew, nowhere to hide from the damning illumination that poured from them.
Had to be some kind of trick. It looked like the child was pointing. As stern as any holy martyr. Pointing at me? Irresistibly I quailed, slowed in pursuit, bellied down to escape that spotlight. Why would anyone point at me? Grasping desperately, I glanced behind.
In the pounding heart of the chase to twist and see Flora flat out on the road, which would only steal her precious heat, like a toddler throwing a tantrum …
‘Fuck’s sake, get up!’ I all but screamed at my daughter. I ripped off the goggles, their weight had been bowing my scarecrow neck. ‘They’re getting away!’ Biggie had bundled up his charge to run. Dissolving into the light.
My shrill frustration clanged off the rotten empty buildings, this rotten empty city, too loud to be taken back. We’d risked so much in the pursuit! Strayed from customs known for keeping us alive.
The echoes rang out. Flora was not getting up.
Too late my miserable guts billowed inside-out. Too late my angry squinting picked out detail: Flora’s small limbs hammering the brittle tarmac, the biting air, herself, as though to drum all these from reality.
I was already slipping and sliding back to where my baby girl fluttered like a bird cast down. ‘Not too fast, Jimbo,’ I moaned in reflex, wanting to go faster. ‘Steady, steady.’ The sled jerked and skidded behind my measured lunges.
Flora’s seizure eased even as I reached her. I couldn’t help myself: I glanced up one last time at the other father and his son but it was like they had never been there.
April 24, 2017
Giveaways, we've got giveaways, red hot giveaways!
Enter for a chance to win one of two signed copies of BP Gregory's new outback horror novel The Town!
Kate knows what she saw on the satellite footage: the burnt out remains of a town. But she was drunk, the evidence is gone and nobody believes it was ever there.
Determined to prove it at any cost, in poking around the outback Kate risks exposing herself and her friends to a slew of horrible urban legends, sinister locals, and the mystery of too many people who have vanished over the years with nowhere to go.
**blog post amendment: that's to win one of two signed paperback copies. I'm not going to be a jerk and sign an e-reader and throw it at you or anything**
Kate knows what she saw on the satellite footage: the burnt out remains of a town. But she was drunk, the evidence is gone and nobody believes it was ever there.
Determined to prove it at any cost, in poking around the outback Kate risks exposing herself and her friends to a slew of horrible urban legends, sinister locals, and the mystery of too many people who have vanished over the years with nowhere to go.
**blog post amendment: that's to win one of two signed paperback copies. I'm not going to be a jerk and sign an e-reader and throw it at you or anything**
March 10, 2017
The Taste of a New Post-Apocalypse, or Why I Ate Bugs
So with outback horror
The Town
released it was time to start research on my next novel: Flora & Jim, the post-apocalyptic story I’ve always wanted to write.
Flora & Jim takes place in a cold depopulated world. Wasteful humanity left plenty of crap behind, but the animals have evolved to be superior at accessing the abandoned resources. That leaves good old Jim the choice of luring tasty insects out of their hidey-holes in abandoned buildings … or taking on other people.
In this day and age bugs are happily crunched in many parts of the world, and coming under food pressure the rest are starting to take a hard look. I ordered the Insect Lovers Trial Pack from the Edible Bug Shop, suppliers to restaurants and trendy thrill-seekers.
Tasting Notes
Roasted Crickets
How was it??: I started with crickets because if you’re gonna eat bugs you should just eat bugs. Delicious fried smell as soon as I cracked the packet, which immediately made me want some Chinese broccoli and oyster sauce to go with.
The cricket is relatively inoffensive. It’s not even 2cm long and has any semblance of “bugginess” roasted from it. You can pick it up, get it right in close to your eyes without revulsion.
Crickets are dry on the palate. Not much initial flavour but strong, surprisingly tasty fried carapace after-feel – very much like soft shell crab but without that gag-inducing Cthulhu-rising-from-the-ocean bottom-feeder taste. Seems like it should be salty, but isn’t.
A big bowl of crickets would probably be mouth desiccating but honestly this flavour would complement so many things.
Rating out of 5: 4/5. Would totally eat more, but not on their own.
Pairs with: I had this with a Brown Brothers Vintage Sparkling Moscato. Not by design, it was just what I had handy. I’d recommend a crisp very cold Riesling.
Suggested reading: “I raised myself by my elbows, dropped ice in my Singha, and cooled my mouth’s fire. About us were the remnants of our lunch: bowls of noodles, a plate of lightly fried grasshoppers (bite their heads off, suck their juices, Primavera had advised), and a cuttlefish soup spiced with rat-shit chilli that had spread over the thinly carpeted floor.”
– Dead Girls, Richard Calder.
Roasted Mealworms
How was it??: Same fried soft shell crab whiff as the crickets, although not nearly so strong.
I'm not gonna lie to you. Mealworms don’t look so nice. Especially with their teeny little legs clasped across their chest in death’s soothing embrace. However they sure are tasty. Full flavoured, nutty and slightly peppery, with less glassy dry crunch than the crickets.
Rating out of 5: 4/5 As a snack you could absently power through a whole bowl of these while pounding Netflix or whatever it is you trendy young folk watch.
Pairs with: Not being a beer drinker, I’m gonna suggest a crisp tart cider. But you could go with beer. I’m not the boss of you.
Suggested reading: “Behind them, the sound of the worm’s passage stopped. Jessica and Paul turned, peered out onto the desert. Where the dunes began, perhaps fifty meters away at the foot of a rock beach, a silver-grey curve broached from the desert, sending rivers of sand a dust cascading all around. It lifted higher, resolved into a giant, questing mouth. It was a round, black hole with edges glistening in the moonlight.”
- Dune, Frank Herbert
Bug-O Nut Rough
How was it??: This one is a novelty item. It’s nice chocolate, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not in love with sweets and wouldn’t seek it out. Including bugs probably changes the nutrition profile, but unless somebody specifically mentions the creepy crawlies you’d never guess.
I wasn’t even going to bother documenting this until I unwrapped it and oh look, it’s shaped like an adorable bee!
Rating out of 5: 3/5 Didn’t feel strongly one way or the other. Good example of how bugs can be integrated into food in ways that make you go *meh*.
Pairs with: Whatever. The sweetness of the chocolate will bomb your palate anyhow.
Suggested reading: “But Augustus was deaf to everything except the call of his enormous stomach. He was now lying full length on the ground with his head far out over the river, lapping up the chocolate like a dog.”
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
Choc Chip Cricket Cookies
How was it??: While I’m not into sweet things, whoever did these knows how to make a damn good mini-cookie. Sweet, soft, but not too crumbly. If you got one of these as part of your aeroplane courtesy meal you’d be delighted.
Same as with the chocolate; if nobody pointed out the bugginess you’d neither know nor care.
Rating out of 5: 4/5 Extra point for being a good cookie.
Pairs with: Coffee as hot and black as your soul, to offset the sweetness.
Suggested reading: “It was all very well to say ‘Drink me,’ but the wise little Alice was not going to do that in a hurry. ‘No, I’ll look first,’ she said, ‘ and see whether it’s marked ‘poison’ or not’; for she had read several nice little stories about children who had got burnt, and eaten up by wild beasts, and other unpleasant things ..”
- Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
Dehydrated Ants Vial
How was it??: I was dreading this one. Not a fan of that squished ant formic acid smell and the way it inspires all their buddies to bum rush and sting you to death.
Here’s the vial. The vial was mostly of unidentifiable ant bits. Much like the humble zucchini, ants don’t seem to be known for holding their sh*t together during cooking.
Opening the vial I of course managed to flick them all over me. They were also exceedingly difficult to photograph but if you can make this out: aaah, look at all their little disembodied heads!
Licking them off the page seemed to be the only way to get them into my damn mouth, but I was surprised by a pleasant unique citrus-and-wood flavour with a nutty aftertaste. I’m a lazy, bad cook and these made me want to immediately start experimenting with them.
Rating out of 5: 5/5 F*ck sesame seeds, we should be sprinkling ants on everything.
Pairs with: Ants are really a seasoning, so just pair your beverage with whatever food you add them to.
Suggested reading: “When the woman’s shadow got within a few feet of Makowski’s … she opened up, she bloomed like a spider orchid, erupted into a hideous collection of waving, clicking appendages that reached out like a hand …”
- Dead Sea, Tim Curran
Flora & Jim takes place in a cold depopulated world. Wasteful humanity left plenty of crap behind, but the animals have evolved to be superior at accessing the abandoned resources. That leaves good old Jim the choice of luring tasty insects out of their hidey-holes in abandoned buildings … or taking on other people.
In this day and age bugs are happily crunched in many parts of the world, and coming under food pressure the rest are starting to take a hard look. I ordered the Insect Lovers Trial Pack from the Edible Bug Shop, suppliers to restaurants and trendy thrill-seekers.
Tasting Notes
Roasted Crickets
How was it??: I started with crickets because if you’re gonna eat bugs you should just eat bugs. Delicious fried smell as soon as I cracked the packet, which immediately made me want some Chinese broccoli and oyster sauce to go with.
The cricket is relatively inoffensive. It’s not even 2cm long and has any semblance of “bugginess” roasted from it. You can pick it up, get it right in close to your eyes without revulsion.
Crickets are dry on the palate. Not much initial flavour but strong, surprisingly tasty fried carapace after-feel – very much like soft shell crab but without that gag-inducing Cthulhu-rising-from-the-ocean bottom-feeder taste. Seems like it should be salty, but isn’t.
A big bowl of crickets would probably be mouth desiccating but honestly this flavour would complement so many things.
Rating out of 5: 4/5. Would totally eat more, but not on their own.
Pairs with: I had this with a Brown Brothers Vintage Sparkling Moscato. Not by design, it was just what I had handy. I’d recommend a crisp very cold Riesling.
Suggested reading: “I raised myself by my elbows, dropped ice in my Singha, and cooled my mouth’s fire. About us were the remnants of our lunch: bowls of noodles, a plate of lightly fried grasshoppers (bite their heads off, suck their juices, Primavera had advised), and a cuttlefish soup spiced with rat-shit chilli that had spread over the thinly carpeted floor.”
– Dead Girls, Richard Calder.
Roasted Mealworms
How was it??: Same fried soft shell crab whiff as the crickets, although not nearly so strong.
I'm not gonna lie to you. Mealworms don’t look so nice. Especially with their teeny little legs clasped across their chest in death’s soothing embrace. However they sure are tasty. Full flavoured, nutty and slightly peppery, with less glassy dry crunch than the crickets.
Rating out of 5: 4/5 As a snack you could absently power through a whole bowl of these while pounding Netflix or whatever it is you trendy young folk watch.
Pairs with: Not being a beer drinker, I’m gonna suggest a crisp tart cider. But you could go with beer. I’m not the boss of you.
Suggested reading: “Behind them, the sound of the worm’s passage stopped. Jessica and Paul turned, peered out onto the desert. Where the dunes began, perhaps fifty meters away at the foot of a rock beach, a silver-grey curve broached from the desert, sending rivers of sand a dust cascading all around. It lifted higher, resolved into a giant, questing mouth. It was a round, black hole with edges glistening in the moonlight.”
- Dune, Frank Herbert
Bug-O Nut Rough
How was it??: This one is a novelty item. It’s nice chocolate, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not in love with sweets and wouldn’t seek it out. Including bugs probably changes the nutrition profile, but unless somebody specifically mentions the creepy crawlies you’d never guess.
I wasn’t even going to bother documenting this until I unwrapped it and oh look, it’s shaped like an adorable bee!
Rating out of 5: 3/5 Didn’t feel strongly one way or the other. Good example of how bugs can be integrated into food in ways that make you go *meh*.
Pairs with: Whatever. The sweetness of the chocolate will bomb your palate anyhow.
Suggested reading: “But Augustus was deaf to everything except the call of his enormous stomach. He was now lying full length on the ground with his head far out over the river, lapping up the chocolate like a dog.”
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
Choc Chip Cricket Cookies
How was it??: While I’m not into sweet things, whoever did these knows how to make a damn good mini-cookie. Sweet, soft, but not too crumbly. If you got one of these as part of your aeroplane courtesy meal you’d be delighted.
Same as with the chocolate; if nobody pointed out the bugginess you’d neither know nor care.
Rating out of 5: 4/5 Extra point for being a good cookie.
Pairs with: Coffee as hot and black as your soul, to offset the sweetness.
Suggested reading: “It was all very well to say ‘Drink me,’ but the wise little Alice was not going to do that in a hurry. ‘No, I’ll look first,’ she said, ‘ and see whether it’s marked ‘poison’ or not’; for she had read several nice little stories about children who had got burnt, and eaten up by wild beasts, and other unpleasant things ..”
- Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
Dehydrated Ants Vial
How was it??: I was dreading this one. Not a fan of that squished ant formic acid smell and the way it inspires all their buddies to bum rush and sting you to death.
Here’s the vial. The vial was mostly of unidentifiable ant bits. Much like the humble zucchini, ants don’t seem to be known for holding their sh*t together during cooking.
Opening the vial I of course managed to flick them all over me. They were also exceedingly difficult to photograph but if you can make this out: aaah, look at all their little disembodied heads!
Licking them off the page seemed to be the only way to get them into my damn mouth, but I was surprised by a pleasant unique citrus-and-wood flavour with a nutty aftertaste. I’m a lazy, bad cook and these made me want to immediately start experimenting with them.
Rating out of 5: 5/5 F*ck sesame seeds, we should be sprinkling ants on everything.
Pairs with: Ants are really a seasoning, so just pair your beverage with whatever food you add them to.
Suggested reading: “When the woman’s shadow got within a few feet of Makowski’s … she opened up, she bloomed like a spider orchid, erupted into a hideous collection of waving, clicking appendages that reached out like a hand …”
- Dead Sea, Tim Curran
March 4, 2017
Pre Orders!
It's happening! Pre-orders for the kindle first edition of
The Town
are now live on Amazon!
Click HERE to go THERE if you know what I mean
"Kate knows what she saw on the satellite footage: the burnt out remains of a town. But she was drunk, the evidence is gone and nobody believes it was ever there.
Determined to prove it at any cost, in poking around the outback Kate risks exposing herself and her friends to a slew of horrible urban legends, sinister locals, and the mystery of too many people who have vanished over the years with nowhere to go."
Other sales channels following soon, of course. This is my fourth novel, and definitely my most Australian one (though amidst all the sci-fi and squealing horror and sentient machines and people shouting at one another, they all have that sort of gritty, sandy undertaste). Hope you enjoy it :-)
Click HERE to go THERE if you know what I mean
"Kate knows what she saw on the satellite footage: the burnt out remains of a town. But she was drunk, the evidence is gone and nobody believes it was ever there.
Determined to prove it at any cost, in poking around the outback Kate risks exposing herself and her friends to a slew of horrible urban legends, sinister locals, and the mystery of too many people who have vanished over the years with nowhere to go."
Other sales channels following soon, of course. This is my fourth novel, and definitely my most Australian one (though amidst all the sci-fi and squealing horror and sentient machines and people shouting at one another, they all have that sort of gritty, sandy undertaste). Hope you enjoy it :-)
