D.A. Cairns's Blog, page 57

M is for Marketing and Lawnmowers

“The only sounds were of whirring steel blades and plastic cords as locals attacked the fast growing Buffalo grass on their lots in Chinaman’s Hollow. Victa lawn mowers and Stihl line trimmers were the weapons of choice in the war against the humidity-fuelled growth in the yards of suburbia.”

-          Loathe Your Neighbor ch. 1  
Okay, this is bit of a cheat. I really wanted to write about lawnmowers and mowing lawns and how I love it: the process, the finished product, the smell of cut grass, the 75 Db rumble of the 4 stroke engine. What’s not to love? I love doing laundry too. Especially folding and putting away clothes. So satisfying. My question: what household chores do you love?

Now, if you want some tips on marketing your book, read on. Let me begin by saying I don’t really like marketing. In fact, there are times when I loathe it. However, I understand that as a relatively obscure (I’m being very generous to myself here) writer, I need to sell myself and my work. Boy, is it a hard sell! Can I get an “amen’?
 
-          Work social media like a, well not exactly like a demon, but you know what I mean. Remember it’s all about relationships so try not to cross the vague line which makes you a spammer.
-          Natural relationship to a product? Sell to a retailer offer who can then offer free copies with a purchase of something. For example, a book about driving available in an auto parts store.
-          Free speeches to local clubs, libraries, schools and businesses
-          Reach those who can reach others. Everyone you connect with can reach people you can’t.
-          Learn the 10 second brag to answer the inevitable question, “What’s your book about?”
-          Expand your blog to include stories/reviews/bios/tips etc
-          Portion of sales to charity
-          Flyer/business card. Business cards work well when they follow a conversation.
-          Press releases
-          Visit other blogs and comment (there’s this thing called the A-Z blogging challenge. Have you heard of it? J Apparently it’s a pretty good way to increase visitors to your website and thereby increase your exposure. It’s also a lot of fun.)
-          Don’t ask people to buy your book just tell them about it. Or tell them to buy it…just kidding.
-          Ask readers to write and post reviews. I’m told that nothing sells a book like a personal recommendation.
-          Contact local newspaper (feature article)
-          Instore appearances/book signing at book shop. I recently contacted 11 book stores and only 3 replies. 2 were flat no, and 1 was a maybe.
-          contact local radio
-          sell at the market. In 6 hours, I sold 2 books which thankfully covered the cost of the stall.
-          ask readers to send pics of themselves reading your work
-          giveaways. I have an author page on Goodreads and the giveaway to launch Loathe Your Neighbor generated a lot of interest
-          contact reviewers
-          guest blog/host bloggers
 
Does any of it work? I’ve done almost everything on the list, but do you know who I am? Have you read Loathe Your Neighbor?. My best advice is to try everything, and keep trying. Be inventive and never forget that we write because we love it writing.
 
 

L is for Lascivious

“David watched Lilijana slip out of her party dress and admired her figure. She had given birth to three children and you could tell. It was not the body of the Lilijana he had married ten years ago, but it was a beautiful body nonetheless.
“Stop staring at me,” she protested.
“You’re beautiful.”
“You’re drunk and I’m tired.”
There it was: the phrase of death for his exasperated libido.” 

-          Loathe Your Neighbor ch.2

L is also for Lilijana Lavender, married to David in Loathe Your Neighbor and only infrequently interested in sex. David on the other hand, like many men, is almost always interested in sex. He would prefer to make love with Liijana but due to her lack of desire he finds himself typically in a state of non reciprocated arousal. What is a man to do with an unsated appetite? His mind wanders and if it wanders often enough, and far enough away then more than likely his body will follow. When he sees an attractive woman and imagines having sex with her, is it lust? Are his lascivious thoughts a violation of the woman? Is he simply unable to control the urge to satisfy himself? Yes, yes, and yes. Does he wish more than anything else that his wife was meeting this need that he has? Does every woman whom he objectifies represent a cheap substitute? Does he feel guilty for using women this way? Yes, yes, and yes.

I remember the first time I heard the word lascivious. It was used in conjunction with another excellent word: concupiscence. The context was a lecture about sexuality and sexual purity. Both of the words carry very negative connotations. In fact the lecturer added to the dictionary definition of lascivious by saying that it was the stirring of a strong desire which could not be satisfied in a moral way. The only means by which a man can righteously dispose of his seed and slake his sexual thirst, is with his wife. I think that is an excellent ideal. A noble assertion. A worthy pursuit. However, sex has become so distorted, so twisted away from the beautiful intentions of its inventor, it is rare for such purity to be maintained. Should we then abandon the pursuit of what is good and right because it is difficult or costly? Of course not. Sex is a good thing which we #@*$ up, pardon the pun.

K is for Kiss, Kiss

““It feels a bit dangerous,” she said, with a kiss. “But I like talking to you as well.” The reference to danger acknowledged his arousal. David smiled. “The thing is, I can’t think of anything to say.”
“That’s okay. Neither can I.””
 - Loathe Your Neighbor ch. 2
I remember my first kiss. I think it was my mum kissing my forehead when she first met me, ex utero. I got lots of those kisses…you thought I was going to say something else didn’t you? My first kiss with a member of the opposite sex? Oh, that first kiss. A girl I went to school with took the opportunity of a birthday party at my place to introduce a small group of us, three guys and three girls to a game she knew. I still think 11 year old girls and boys should not only not be playing such games, but should not even know about them. Interestingly, I don’t recall being especially aroused by that game. It was weird. I was curious and frightened at the same time. My heart was threatening to rip a hole in my chest and start bouncing on the floor. Sexual? Not really. It was more experimental. Puberty, at that time, was only a theory lurking around the corner. Later, kissing girls became something much more erotically charged, and later still, was always a part of foreplay: the usually hasty race towards…well, I don’t need to spell it out for you, do I?
There are lots of different types of kiss. Light affectionate pecks. Perfunctory air kiss greetings. One cheek. Two cheeks. Longer, more deeply felt lip to cheek or forehead action. The fluffy quick butterfly kiss on the nose. The pash. The I-want-more-than-just-a-kiss liplock. Tongues., Biting. Eeewww! Too much. A deep lip kiss is considered an act of intimacy which is why, I presume, prostitutes don’t do it, or maybe it’s just a saliva phobia. A deep lip kiss indicates intent which may account for why, when you do it to someone other than your partner, it is labeled, betrayal. The offender, says, it was just a kiss, but is it ever “just a kiss”? What do you think?
 

J is for John

“There was no way David could allow this new neighbor into the fraternity of good Johns. So he decided to call him Phil. One he remembered from his school days, called Phil Lewis, was a funny bloke. He pretended he was about to take a bite of an open jam sandwich and ploughed it into his cheek when someone called his name. That was his best party trick. Phil was a shifty sort of bloke, a bit too crafty and a real attention seeker.”-         Loathe Your Neighbor ch.1
John is a good solid name. Common but solid. In Loathe Your Neighbour, David Lavender knows lots of Johns at the church he half heartedly and inconsistently attends. He thinks that they are good men. Dependable, morally strong men. Men of integrity. When he meets his new neighbor and an instant dislike arises, he decides to call him Phil because to call him John would be to tarnish the reputation of the Johns that he knows. It seems petty but how many times have you met someone who shares a name with someone else you know, and marveled to yourself about how different the two were. We make associations in our minds between names and characteristics of people with those names. When we meet someone who’s quite different we do a double take. It can be hard to accept them with that name. They don’t fit the mould. We are always trying to get people to fit our preconceived ideas. We need to categorize them and box them up. It makes it easier for us to deal with them. I won’t mention the name, but all the  _______ I know are sweet natured, friendly ladies who are…well rounded of body shape. If I met an _______ who was not like the ________ I know, I would be thrown right off. I probably would not be able to call them ________. People are funny. They have strange ides and get stuck on weird thoughts. Often the associations we make between names and people go back to our first encounters. I can’t meet a Theo without thinking of the kid I went to school with who became the subject of my puerile taunts because I was trying to big note myself by making fun of him. I feel like apologizing to every Theo I meet now. The toughest concretized connection of name and character to shake is that of our loved ones. We know a person so well, and love them because of who they are, it’s natural to measure everyone else with that same name against the standard set. Does this kind of thing happen to anybody else? Or am I bit loopy?

I is for Me

““I had to call the police again. About next door.”
Lilijana stared at him, waiting for explanation.
He paused, realizing how daft he’d probably sound. “I’m going to show them where the trouble is.”
A heavy sigh preceded her reply. “Leave it to the police. Can’t you mind your own business?”
“Can’t you mind yours?””
-Loathe Your Neighbor ch. 2
I is the only letter in English which gets capitalized regardless of where it appears in a sentence. I wonder what’s so special about it. I can’t help feeling that the architects of modern English were trying to say something about themselves, and therefore, by extension, about us all. There’s a song by Hoobastank called All About You. Thinking about it reminds me of the insurance company ad from many years ago which told us that the most important person in the world is you. We do have a bit of a propensity to be overly interested in ourselves. How we speak to other people, how we treat them, how we behave generally, can sometimes give the strong impression that we think we are more important than other people. Check yourself, next time you are chatting with someone. Pay attention to how closely you actually listen to them rather than nod or shake your head while planning what you are going to say. It is not easy in individualistic societies to quell the voice of self, the demands of the I. I think we are all basically selfish. Not that we do not have the capacity and the willingness to act selflessly, we do. It’s just that we don’t always have the power to do the right thing that we know we should do, and it’s because we have been trained to be selfish. I could be way off here. I could be speaking gibberish. I, I , I…. One of the main reasons I struggle with marketing as an author, is that I feel uncomfortable talking about myself all the time. The paradox is that we are all important, but not more important than anyone else. Or are we?  
P.S. I only used the word I eleven times.

H is for Hurt

“I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you.”
There was no humor in her voice but he hoped she was joking. Surely, she couldn’t be hurt by his hunger. Julia wouldn’t meet his eyes, so he pulled her tight against him. Her rigidity melted quickly in David’s strong embrace.”
-          Loathe Your Neighbor ch. 17


Many years ago, I spent some time with an awesome bunch of people when I did two schools and two tours with YWAM, (Youth With A Mission). My friends and I had an in joke which I won’t attempt to explain. The tag line was ‘that really hurt me dude’. It was said in a mock emotionally injured tone. A joke. As I think about that neat little slice of esotericism, I am reminded of Proverbs 26:18 & 19 which says, ‘Like a maniac who throws firebrands, arrows and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says “I am only joking.” We say a lot of hurtful things to each other for the sake of a laugh, and most of it is probably water off a duck’s back. If a ‘put down’ culture exists then those within that culture know the rules. However, I think  people tend to underestimate the power of their words to injure people. Even, if only as a result of a misunderstanding, words can be deadly. Those who have been burned by the cruel words of
others are especially vulnerable to the attack of a maniac who throws firebrands. Do your words give life to others?

G is for Greed

“Chalkie fired a warning glance at Matt. “You imagined being with her and how good it would be. You said to yourself, Julia and I could have fun. She wouldn’t nag me and she would want to listen and hang out with me. She would want to make love to me. Then you started visualizing that sex.”
“Steady on,” said Matt with a note of alarm in his voice.””
-          Loathe Your Neighbor ch. 11
 
Greed is one of the seven deadly sins. Greed is good, according to Gordon Gekko. Greed says, I don’t have enough. I want more. Greed drives a person to greatness regardless of the cost. Greed sees the acquisition of things as more important than the establishment and maintenance of relationships. Greed is the antithesis of content. Greed appears as gluttony and as lust. What restrains the urge to gather more, to have more? To possess things and own people? Is self control enough when the animal appetites of sinful man drive him to self destruction? What’s the difference between greed and ambition? When am I going to stop asking questions, and cease this heavy self righteous moralizing? Oh, I’m sorry I’ve made you uncomfortable. I didn’t realize what I was doing when I started. I lost control. My propensity to grandstand and pontificate overwhelmed me. Damn, all I wanted to do was write a cute little blog entry about something starting with G. I spy with my little eye…

F is for Funerals

“At the chapel, he began consoling the mourners, just as he had imagined. Those he embraced, inhaled alcohol fumes and did their best to ignore it. Compassion rules at funerals. Everyone is sorry. Everyone walks on eggshells, chooses their words carefully, feigns interest to cover boredom and whitewashes judgment with mercy. Everyone is concerned. The alcohol was losing its grip and so was David.”
- Loathe Your Neighbor ch. 21
 
A friend of mine died last month, three weeks after he was diagnosed with lung cancer. Still in shock, we, his friends and family attended what was called a “celebration service”. I was heavy hearted as I parked my car and walked to the main entrance of the chapel where the service was to be held. A jazz band was playing out the front as a crowd lined up to sign the condolence book and enter. The chapel was full: all seats and standing points around the walls were taken. The hall took the overflow. The service was filled with laughter as we remembered a beautiful man of God who lived to show God’s grace to others. He knew why he had been born and where he was going when the job was done. I have never left a “funeral” feeling so inspired, almost happy. Sure we will all miss him but what a wonderful legacy he has left. What a wonderful picture of God’s love in life and in death. We have this hope, as Christians, that because Christ rose from the grave, and we believe in his resurrection power, we too will live forever. I know why some funerals I have been to were so depressing. No hope. Do you have hope for life after death?

E is for Enemy

“As the mirror steamed over, he wrote on it with his finger.
Love your neighbor
Loathe your neighbor
David liked that. It was poignant and poetic. Julie, he would love. Phil, he would act against. An image of a bomb in a letterbox popped into his mind.”
-          Loathe Your Neighbor ch. 14
 
Is it easier to make friends or enemies? Is it easier to keep friends or enemies? Is it easier to love your friends or your enemies? Most people don’t have enemies because they don’t want them. It usually requires effort to make enemies although sometimes you can incur someone’s continuous wrath without trying, or without even knowing you are the object of their hatred. The point is you generally have to something wrong to a person, or to have them do something wrong to you, to make them an enemy. I think it’s equally easy to make friends and to make enemies. Maintaining friendships, quality friendships, requires effort, and usually, if it s a healthy friendship, reciprocal effort. It is possible to preserve a state of enmity without effort. In fact, doing nothing, will help ensure the acrimony festers. Can you love someone who hates you? Jesus tells us that if we only love our friends we are no different to everyone else. He says that in loving our enemies we demonstrate that we understand the love and grace of God. It can be extremely difficult, virtually impossible to love your enemies. Forgiveness is the key. Unless you have been forgiven and have forgiven yourself, you won’t be able to forgive others, and you will always have enemies, and the worst one will be yourself.
 

D is for David

"“Smelly,” Nik said loudly as he sat down heavily next to David. “How’s it going?”
They all thought it was hilarious to call him ‘Smelly’ because of his surname. The stupid bastards didn’t even know what lavender was until he explained it. He had used gestures to indicate it smelled good. Unfortunately, they had interpreted his actions as applying to a bad smell and that cracked them up.
-          Loathe Your Neighbor ch.3
 
The name David means “beloved”. It is my name and, by pure coincidence, also the name of the main character in my novel, Loathe Your Neighbor. David Lavender, Dave to his friends, and Smelly to his workmates is an ordinary man living an ordinary life. He does however have an extraordinary ability to make bad decisions. He is an amalgam. A character with whom every reader can relate. Readers will either say I am him, or I know him. I hope the characters I have created agitate the emotions of readers. Charles Darwin said that “a novel does not come into first class unless it contains some person whom one can thoroughly love, and if a pretty woman, all the better.” There are two strong and beautiful women in Loathe Your Neigbor. I invite you to read it and fall in love with them, just as David Lavender did. Maybe you will even love David…or at least loathe him.