Lily Lloyd's Blog, page 6

What Would The Old Man Do?

So it hasn’t exactly been partytime over here at Chez Belt.

But I do not come from a line of people who would be deterred in the pursuit of merriment.

My dad was a very eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we will die sort, and that’s exactly what happened to him.  But before it happened to him, he drank brandy, chased (and caught) many women, donned the Santa suit, ate the delicious foods.

His life was short but it was impractical, exuberant, glorious.

I hope mine is a bit longer but I am firmly committed to the glorious part.  But in order to get the glorious you must let loose the impractical and the exuberant, and the attendant risk of looking like a complete idiot.

Example: in my haste to check into the hotel, I grabbed my bags and what flew out but my giant size bottle of lube.  The valet guy did what you’d expect a valet guy to do — he swiftly bent down, picked it up, gave it a look and handed it to me, with a very practiced That Did Not Happen expression.

But there will be presents and music and a food and drink and Ceiling Cat willing I will get laid.

I will fill every vessel from thimble to bucket with merriment and dump the whole lot out.

 

 

 

Arid

 

Welcome to the desert.

Yanno, it’s not so bad here.  At first, it looks like nothing, especially to someone like me, a born and bred city person, born to the wheeling and dealing, the constant activity, the pavement pavement pavement, the glorious room service that is my birthright. But if you sit here for awhile you notice that there is actually stuff.  Yesterday, I saw a bunny.

This desert is metaphorical, in case you are wondering.

Holly is going through a Major Life Transition.  Allow me to say, it is with major guilt that I say: Jesus Christ on a stick, is she ever crabby.  I cannot do a thing right for thirty minutes in a row.

At the same time, Bryce is experiencing the Fluffy Pink Stupids with someone new; a new sweetheart.

I am sad for Holly.  I am happy for Bryce.

I am bored as hell and starved for attention.

Pervs, I am not neglecting to post the amazingly scorchingly hot scene reports because I am having so many scenes that I can’t even take time out to type them up.

Sadly, no.  That?  Is not the case.

I admit, there has been a certain amount of recreational cruising of the OKCupid.  How nice it would be!  How nice!  To flirt and talk and woo and be wooed and in general get some positive attention from a member of the opposite sex (what can I say, it’s what’s on my mind lately.  Not coincidentally, also what’s in my inbox on OKCupid).

I think flirting should be an Olympic sport. If napping were also an Olympic sport I could double medal.  I will flirt with anyone at any time, including the 80 year old bag-boy at the local market.  I have been known to flirt with inanimate objects.

But I hold my arrow.  Now is not the time.  I know it is not.  If I caught someone, what in Ceiling Cat’s name would I do with them?  Where would I find the time?

Holly would probably leave me.  I’d have to spend a lot of time reassuring Bryce, not because he’s fragile but because it’s hard when your partner has a new partner and you need it.

But how nice it would be.

Another first kiss.

First kiss, first kiss, first kiss.

Instead, I am here in this place.  It is rather arid, emotionally speaking.  I provide support for Holly.  I allow her outbursts to bounce off me much the way hail would bounce off a statue of  an obscure president, say, William McKinley, he of the no middle name.  Bryce is not here, and when he’s here, he’s often not here, if you know what I mean.  He is elsewhere, in an existential and erotic sense, and I imagine will be for another month or so.  I await his return.

I am an atheist of the fiery convert type, fiery in the way only converts can be, and yet I still believe that I am in certain people’s lives at certain points for a reason, that I have been put there, placed there by the Universe, and that it’s not about me.  I am there in Holly’s life for a reason that is bigger than me, that in a way has nothing to do with me.  I am a messenger from the Universe, and the message is you deserve gallantry you deserve a limitless supply of chocolate delivered personally by someone bearing a Hitachi Magic Wand who will tie you up and fuck you you deserve it you deserve someone to lean on someone to listen to you someone who will hand you a handkerchief

I am my message, I can be no other.  I do not want to leave any more than a book wants to leave its ink; it is incomprehensible.

Bryce is dating and I have a lot of free time.  It makes me realize how much I depend on him for companionship: the minute he is gone, I think: fuck, I’m bored.

Life is boring without him.

Do not let it be said that I cannot spin boredom into gold.  Why, just this moment I laid down my knitting, because, I will have you know, I am knitting a royal purple sleeping bag for a rainbow sock monkey.

Don’t ask.

You can see why cruising OKCupid might have its appeal at moments such as these.  Not to mention a bottle of red wine or a wank.  But I don’t invite anyone to coffee, or contemplate what I’ll wear or how I’ll show up.

There’s this polyamory maxim: “Only go as slow as the slowest partner.”  Really, if anyone in my life gets a new partner it should be Holly, not me.  She has enough to deal with without me, the unlikely rock, getting the fluffy pink stupids over someone new, and leaving her without her birthright of limitless chocolate and orgasms.  No, the universe is not that cruel and nor am I.

My time has not all gone to trivialities and DVD box sets of TV shows, though.  I wrote a book, my first.  I devoted my time to my work, which yielded money and opportunities.

I am bored, pervs.  Call me shallow, but the beauty of the desert is not enough.  The bunnies, even, are not enough.

I will stay as long as I am needed — but I tell you, I am ready to leave this dry place at a moment’s notice.  Fuck these scorpions and rocks already.

 

[Photo by Nouhailler, Creative Commons license.]

Discipline Now In The Top 100

Hey!  ”Discipline,” my book about how to make kinky relationships work, just made the Top 100 the Sex category at Amazon:

I haven’t sold all that many copies (though I thank those of you who bought one!) so what this tells me is that if you’re self publishing in a relatively small category, you have a good chance of making your way up the rankings and getting the attention of readers.  That’s good news for aspiring authors, no?

Kinky Christmas Gift Guide For The Procrastinating Pervert

OK, my procrastinatin’ pervs — you waited till the last minute…BECAUSE YOU ARE MAH PEOPLE!  But listen! You can still pull off giving your sweetie a kinky gifticle they’ll love if ya take action now.

 

 

Suspension cuffs ($100-$150) — Having a fabulous scene with someone doing wonderful, awful things to you with your wrists tied together and pulled up above your head — and then have to stop before you’re ready because you can’t feel your hands anymore?

Perv, have we got the gift for you: suspension cuffs.  Ours are like the Scott Paul Designs ones pictured at the left, but you can pick up bargains with other designs at Leather by Danny and Aslan Leather.

Sportsheets tiedowns  – Trying to squeeze your kink into a hectic life? Haven’t got time for all the fussy rope stuff?  Perv!  These are awesome.  They’re adjustable nylon straps with clips on the end.  Loop one end around your bedpost, snap the other onto a cuff, pull, and vòila! Instabondage! (Set of 2, $24, Good Vibrations).

Beginner Bondage Rope – Interested in rope bondage but don’t know if you want to plunk down over $100 for a full set of shibari ropes?  Check this out: you can get a 200 foot reel of cotton bondage rope for only $35 at Amazon.  You’ll have to cut it to length and finish the ends yourself, but that extra little bit of work you do yourself makes it a nice present, no?  I wasn’t sure if mine would last, but I’ve had ours for two years and they hold up great.  Not for use for suspension bondage, though — cotton rope is too stretchy for that.  Combine it with a copy of Two Knotty Boys Show You The Ropes or Midori’s book The Seductive Art of Japanese Rope Bondage.  (Bondage Rope, Amazon, $35; books, $12-18, Amazon)

Luuuuuuuube  Perv, if there is such a thing as too slippery, I haven’t found it yet.  BUY LUBE, PERVERTS!  You can check out my completely over-the-top unhinged guide to lube or you can just go for my favorite, Liquid Silk.  Nothing says love like an economy size bottle of lube.  (Liquid Silk, 80z, $26, Good Vibrations)

Mr. Hitachi  Wait.  You don’t have one of these already?  Seriously?  I mean, this is my desert island sex toy. Nevermind that I’d have to immediately get to work creating a palm-based power source to run the thing.  I don’t care!  I’m not going without my Hitachi!  This vibe looks like it can take dents out of your car, has two speeds (OH and OH MY GOD) and actually works.  Want to make someone beg you to stop with the orgasms already?  This is the one. Vibe Playground currently has it on sale for $39. 

Condom Case  Safer sex is important, pervs.  Let’s also make it convenient with a nice portable condom case that keeps those jimmy hats from getting all messed up in a wallet or purse, hm?  (Jimmy Case, $5 plus shipping, Amazon; Radius hard-shell case, $3 plus shipping).  Why not throw in some condoms that you’re not going to find at the drugstore, too?

Clothespins & Paracord  You know how you can make 50 masochists happy for $1?  Pack of 100 clothespins at the dollar store!  If you’re looking for a present that doesn’t cost much but really and for truly will give you both hours of fun (and at least one of you several moments of pleasurable agony), get a package of clothespins (the kind with the spring!) and a length of paracord to make a “zipper.” Line up the clothespins on the s-type’s body with the paracord under each one and then ZIP OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!  So much fun.  Also great for play parties.  (Clothespins, $6; Paracord, 25 feet, $3.99, Amazon)

Cockrings  You know what’s festive?  Cockrings.  I mean, who doesn’t like the look of a nice dressed up man unit?  I know I do. Why, here’s one with a leash! Who doesn’t want that?  I mean the next time someone says that you lead your sweetheart around by the dick it’ll actually BE FOR REAL!  Here’s a pretty leather one.  And here’s a shiny metal one for your vegan pervs which just happens to be super sexy.  (Cockrings, $12-$25, Stockroom.com)

Books — Are you lucky enough to have a pervert in your life who’s a reader?  Count your blessings and give them a book that will get their mind focused on something really evil you want them to do to you  Toybag Guides are supercute, small, no-nonsense practical guides, and there are a huge variety of topics, from wax play to playing with taboo.  The S&M Feminist,  by Clarisse Thorn, YOU MUST READ IT.  Got someone in your life new to the scene?  Here’s the book I wish I had before my first play party: Playing Well With Others, by Mollena Williams and Lee Harrington.  I love Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny’s slender volume on service, Real Service.

OH AND BY THE WAY YOUR HUMBLE BLOGGER WROTE A BOOK YOU COULD BUY IT!  It’s called “Discipline: Adding Rules & Discipline To Your BDSM Relationship.”  It’s not about flogging or bondage or wax play.  It’s about all the stuff that happens in and around and beyond your bedroom that makes your dynamic work for you.  If you’ve had the “we tried that rule and it didn’t work” or the “I followed that rule but they didn’t seem to notice or care” or the “punishment sounded really hot in erotica but in real life it got us into an argument” problem, this book is for you.  I wrote it because I want people to succeed in their kinky relationships, and build a dynamic that is unique to the two of you and that works for both of you.  It’s also a bargain — only $2.99.  (Discipline: Adding Rules & Discipline To Your BDSM Relationship, Amazon, $2.99)