F.E. Feeley Jr.'s Blog, page 10

My first Poetry Collection

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I am proud to present to you a collection of poetry I put together over the past 2 years. My poetry, like my other writing, is informed by life experiences, memories, seasons, or by things I’ve observed about the intrinsic beauty and complicated nature of humanity.

For a very long time – having been raised in fundamentalism – I believed there wasn’t much about humanity that gave it worth. However, through the act of creating art, I have discovered that simply isn’t the case.

In a few short years, I have discovered love, regained my faith in God, and most importantly, regained my faith in my fellow human beings.

I also discovered that the things that attract us to a person aren’t the same things that make us stay. Often times it’s our imperfections that are the most endearing qualities that we possess. I believe God regards us the same way.

I hope you enjoy this collection

 

Buy Link for Amazon here

Smashwords links will soon follow

 

My thoughts on Donald Trump’s Shithole Statement

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2017 was the year for irony and it looks like 2018 is going to similar in those regards.

Donald Trump’s “Shithole” comment about Haiti and other countries that are predominantly brown-skinned is another example.

Why is that?

Well, here in the United States we’ve had several mass shootings in schools since 1980 with a death tally of almost three hundred. Since then, there has been no legislation passed to prevent the murder of our nation’s children.

We are the last major industrialized nation on the planet without universal healthcare. Last night a man videotaped a woman, clothed in only a hospital gown, being dropped off in the middle of nowhere because she couldn’t afford to stay in the hospital any longer. She was dropped off in Baltimore, Maryland in the dead of winter.

Speaking of Universal Healthcare – the coverage we do have under The Affordable Care Act – provides healthcare for 13 million people. The Republicans are doing everything they can to repeal that and therefore leaving those 13 million people without adequate care.

This past summer, partygoers at a concert in Las Vegas were gunned down when a deranged psychopath who had no business owning weapons, opened fire on the crowd. 500 people were shot, and fifty-eight people lost their lives. Thoughts and prayers were distributed but no laws have been passed to prevent this from happening again.

From what my African American friends tell me, there are 0 places where they feel safe from being murdered by psychotic police officers.

Speaking of African Americans – it wasn’t until 1955 that this country stopped hanging them for arbitrary reasons in places like Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas. The last recorded lynching that I know of was a very young man by the name of Emmett Till. He was 14 years old and was accused of ‘wolf whistling’ at a white woman. She was offended. He was brutalized and murdered for it. To paraphrase FDR, it doesn’t matter how poor a white man is, if you can convince him that he’s better than any black man rich or poor, you can steal his money and he’ll thank you for it.

Here in the United States is a hatred of people of color so bad – that there is a phenomenon called White Flight. See, they’ll tell you that places like Detroit, Chicago, Baltimore all suffer because black people live there. What they won’t tell you is that when African American people move in – white people pack up and leave taking their tax dollars with them. Because you see, even though a court decision back in the 1950’s ruled against segregated schools – they’ve still not gotten used to the idea of little Bobby and little Suzie going to school with little Tyrone. They won’t say it outright – but whenever there is a shooting like the one in Vegas, they’ll bring up Detroit or Chicago as an example as to why guns are necessary. But don’t let that fool you as those cities are code for the word black.

Right now in our legislature, Republicans are working tirelessly to end health care for children under a program called CHIP. A bipartisan piece of legislation passed in the 1990’s provided health care for 9 million kids. Children. Speaking of Children, according to the Washington Post, America has the highest infant mortality rate all the wealthy countries of the world. We sadly boast a death rate of 6 children per 1,000 born.

Wages have had no real growth since the 1960’s. According to Forbes magazine, 65 percent of Americans cannot afford a 500 dollar emergency. With the steady decline of unions and the spreading of ‘right to work’ states – those wages aren’t expected to move any time soon.

America ranks 14th in Education, 24th in Literacy, and 17th in Educational Performance. The richest country in the world doesn’t know how to read very well. The top ten are:

Finland

South Korea

Hong Kong SAR

Japan

Singapore

United Kingdom

Netherlands

New Zealand

Switzerland

Canada.

And everyone gets mad when they call a helpline and get someone from India answering the phone. This is why.

According to the military times, The United States in hemorrhaging veterans. According to them, we are still losing 20 veterans per day to suicide. For as patriotic as we claim to be – that’s a national disgrace. Oh, by the way, the Republicans are also trying to do away with their healthcare benefits as well.

Here in the United States – we are in the midst of a terrible opioid addiction problem. However, studies have shown that medical marijuana and nonmedical marijuana use curbs people’s addiction to meth and heroin. However, as a response to brown vs board of education – those sneaky little politicians declared a war on drugs in the 1980’s which has disproportionately affected people of color. What? Really? Now how on earth did that happen?

We also have a huge fight in our country over conservativism versus liberalism. The conservatives claim they love to cut taxes, spend small, and allow businesses to create revenue. Yet, out all the states in the union, all but two are these deeply red states are referred to as ‘moocher’ states. They are, according to CNSnews.com:

Mississippi, 42.9% federal aid as percentage of general revenue

Louisiana, 41.9%

Tennessee, 39.5%

South Dakota, 39.0%

Missouri, 38.2%

Montana, 37.4%

Georgia, 37.3%

New Mexico, 36.6%

Alabama, 36.1%

Maine, 35.3

That means that for all the smack talk they do about liberals, they really don’t mind spending their taxes.

I know a lot of people were offended by what Donald Trump said. Rightly so. He’s a racist, ignorant, bigot. Among his almost daily outrages, he’s failed to help his own people – such as Puerto Rico who suffered a massive blow to their little island because of a hurricane. His supporters have laughed at them during their misery. However, the joke is on them. Puerto Rico is one of our biggest suppliers of I.V. bags. Thanks to the killer flu season we’re in – there is one hell of a shortage.

I love my country. I served in the Armed Forces after 9/11. Yet we have our flaws. Major, major flaws that should prevent anyone with any sense (I know that excludes the racist in the White House) from making fun of anyone or calling anyone’s home a shit hole. Keep in mind, however, that only 37 percent of the country approves of him while almost 60 percent thinks the shit hole is in the Oval Office. And of those 37 percent of supporters – a vast majority of them are too dumb to understand that they’re going to suffer the worst.

 

Empty Threats (poem)

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unsplash-logoChristian Sterk

It started with a statement on the television

from the leader of the free world

‘He want’s to hang all of em’

he said with a smile and a hand gesture

as they talked about men, like me

My chest tightened

the floor fell away and suddenly

I was falling without moving

Shaking, sweating,

the rope tightened around my neck

“You are dying,” my mind screamed

Empty threats

from an exhausted mind,

fear of murder of my own kind,

where can I run?

Now that liberty’s run dry

I am not on my own anymore

my vagabond existence

two trash bags of clothes in the trunk

fleeing my past as soon as it

catches up with me

No more no-name face

no more hooking up

with cigarette smiles

trying to remember what’s his name

some random fuck, in some random place

there’s another, now

a family, now

I’m a husband, now

trapped by my vows

my marriage license now

a potential death warrant

Two pills a day

significant weight gain

gasping for breath at the edge of sleep

empty threats from my

tired brain

God, how do I deal with this?

I feel like there’s a storm coming

and I’m naked and standing in a field

with mud up to my knees

how long before it crawls up to my chest

and down my throat?

How long before the empty threat,

becomes too real?

Page Stuffing and Bonus Books on KU

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unsplash-logoLacie Slezak

You’re the reason why we can’t have nice stuff. Seriously.

Yesterday I watched a video by Heather’s Hangout on Youtube where she named and shamed authors by cheating the KU system.

You can watch her video here 

As you know Kindle Unlimited allows readers to read as many books as they want for a monthly fee of 9.99.

For readers that’s awesome – it’s like Netflix for books.

However, the agreement that each author enters into when they decided to go with Kindle Unlimted does a couple of things.

First off, it gives exclusive rights to Amazon to publish the book for the duration of the KU contract. So, while on the program authors cannot have their books listed with any other book distributor.

Secondly, once you sign up for the program authors are paid by pages read. The breakdown is like .00046 cents per page and that number fluctuates constantly.

Pages read also increases visibility on Amazon’s website. The more pages read, the higher the ranking of your book in the genre(s) it’s listed under.

That’s all great.

However, the system is far from perfect. For example, not only do authors have to deal with piracy of e-books, piracy of audiobooks, click farms in China that cheat the system, now other authors are gaming the system by stuffing their books with ‘bonus books’ and listing it all for 99 cents.

((I think listing a book for 99 cents is outrageous enough, as it devalues books and the work put into them. ))

As mentioned in the video above, this has caused some authors to jump over E.L. James (Fifty Shades of Grey) in the Amazon ranking.

Not because of the quality of their work. Not because of the popularity of their work. But simply because of mathematics. Think card counting at a Vegas Casino.

While it’s technically allowable under the current Amazon TOS – click here – in my opinion, the entire thing is completely unethical.

With as hard as it’s become to compete with all the shady aforementioned things listed above, to know that fellow authors are out there screwing over others, is really sort of disgusting.

If your talent alone can’t carry you into prominence, if you have to absolutely game the system to reap the benefits of a program designed to be egalitarian for both readers and writers, no matter how much money you make, no matter how popular you become, you’re work should be viewed for what it is.

A fucking sham job.

Furthermore, you’re working to totally delegitimize the ranking of Amazon completely and other bestsellers lists out there.

There are authors out there who dream of becoming best sellers. Authors who actually have the talent to do it on their own and you and your buddies are standing in their way – completely unfairly I might add – so that you can pad your pockets.

Way to be a buddy fucker.

 

New Novel Coming March 2018

Maplewood, Vermont is a picturesque town filled with unique shops, unique homes, and a quaint familiarity all centered around a lake with an unusual history.

Legends, old as well as Urban, float around like the mist that hovers above the lake at break of dawn.

But they’re just stories, right?

Hayden Moore’s life was destroyed when his husband, Malcolm, was murdered. Giving up his job as an assistant district attorney in Boston, Hayden moved to the little burg of Maplewood to recover.

A new life.

A fresh start.

However, something underneath the water is stirring. Something rotten. A deadly secret wakes underneath the black waters of Lake Veronica so disturbing it haunts the nightmares of the local residents.

It’s coming closer…

 

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Pre-order here from Beaten Track Publishing

Amazon one-click fans click here

Add to your Goodreads list here 

 

 

Draw from the Source Code of your Past

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You can’t forget the past. You can’t let the past go. You don’t have a hold of it. It has a hold of you.

It happened to you. It affected your mind and your body- it disfigured you maybe physically but it altered you internally.

People always say to others who are dealing with mental health issues or PTSD – they tell them to get over it.

I am here to tell you your past – will never go away.

And those that say stuff like that will take themselves to church on Sunday and sit in a Pew and worship a being that walked the earth 2,000 years ago.

Then, they’ll drive down the city street and stop at a cafeteria in a country that was founded 280 years ago if it’s in America. Obeying laws wrapped up in a document the same age enforced by the government established at that time. 1066 if it’s in the U.K.

What I mean to say is while the past may be in the past – it’s power ripples into the future because we carry it there.

Ask someone who’s spouse cheated on them and they decide to stay together or if they split apart what that event will do or has done to them in the present.

Your past shapes your present in almost all ways and if you’re not careful about it – it will use you. Your past will be your present and will dictate to you your future.

What I am learning to do, or have started to learn to do over the past five years is instead of letting my past use me like it had for years and years, I started using my past.

I went inward and discovered that my story could be translated into words. I could put down on paper the events of my life and draw from it. From all of it, the good, and the bad, and the downright awful.

All my life I had been gathering up information that felt like tons and tons of weight I carried with me. All this weight was putting up barriers between me and the rest of the world because my life up to a certain moment felt bizarre. I felt like no one in the world could understand what I had gone through.

Yet my past looked into my future – and knew different.

So I started to write.

And like the gospels, I found I could return over and over again and discover something new. I could unload this weight and use this stuff to connect to people in ways that I couldn’t have possibly imagined while I was going through the pain of my past.

So much so that the past that I hated and tried to run away from, and felt powerless over, I became grateful for.

I’ve asserted responsibility for myself and the narrative.

That’s why I love being an author so much. When I receive a message or an email from a reader wanting to talk about the themes of my books or telling me that they connected to a character so strongly, that they had to say something, or they send a message saying “I know you know what you’re talking about because I too, know this.” That weight disappears, and I know I no longer carry it alone.

All of you aren’t writers. Yet, at two o’clock in the morning when your body is worn out and your husband is on your last nerve or your kids are driving you up a wall and you’re laying in bed wondering about the mistakes you’ve made, or if your brain wants you to relieve the life you’ve lived – get up.

Grab a pen, grab a sheet of paper, and tell your past, “Okay, you wanna do this? Let’s do this.”

Write it down.

You know the narrative already. It rolls around in your head, you can quote it from memory. Yet something happens when you put it on paper. You find yourself making value judgments on that event and you’ll surprise yourself with what it is you have to say about it. You’ll find yourself thinking thoughts and coming to conclusions because there is something about seeing the narrative in front of you. It drags the past into the physical world, into the present, the here and now. You may laugh, you may cry, you may get mad, furious even.

Then use it.

Turn it into something. Whether that something is writing, painting, photography, dance, singing, playing an instrument, or volunteering at a homeless shelter, animal shelter, helping a friend, blogging, vlogging, find a medium by which you can connect yourself to another living soul and let them see the cracks in your armor. The vulnerability. The humanity – because that’s all art is. The humanities.

We may be superficially connected by perfection in each other but it’s the imperfection that we find staying power. It’s in the vulnerability of another where we find ourselves wanting to be protective. It’s in the hard times we discover The ability to endure. It’s in our perceived weaknesses where we find our strength.

The secret of happiness may not be in the future – I think the secret of happiness rests decidedly in our past and what we choose to do with it, even though how the past was shaped have been beyond our control. We can control it, now. Draw on the Source Code.

Elton John (Poem)

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unsplash-logoAustin Neill

Is this all there is?

Elton John at quarter til midnight?

A black cat next to me

with the ceiling fan up high?

Silent Karaoke 

About a song about the blues

I am driving down the freeway

of my mind

It’s not the holidays

those are done

It’s not homesickness

my family home is gone

why do I feel so tired

and emptied out?

Chicken soup for the soul

Ice cream for hurt feelings

I feel like I’m starving to death

thirsty and lonely and bored

My husband cried tonight

and asked me not to leave him

but would it be him I am leaving

Won’t I be leaving myself?

Cyclical Dysthymia circle around again

pick me up and throw me in the trunk

I don’t know what to feel anymore

I just know I have concrete shoes

a sore body, and a numb mind

I am sad but have no reason to cry

Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolfe?

Rocks in my pocket

there’s a river somewhere close by

I can smell it on the air

the last vestiges of the mind altering chemicals

from a month prior still have their white bony fingers

around my brain

I’ll bounce back

one day I’ll sing aloud again

I’ll dance on the driveway as I pick up the mail

but for tonight, swing low sweet chariot

pick up this letter from me to God

It’s lyrics from an Elton John song

and sad songs say so much

 

Winter Solstice (Child of the Moon)

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unsplash-logoMax Smith

I am a child of the moon

I come to the window clad in my pajama bottoms

teddy bear dragging along the floor with me

and i stare out into a wintry scene

from the second floor

All is still in the world of white

the sky is purple and dark

and the moon is out full and heavy

and the snow burns in celestial light

A heating register begins to hum

it’s warm wind wrapping around me like a prayer

I raise my hand and touch the glass

feeling the cold radiate through me

up my arm and into my heart

Below, a stag has wandered into view

noble, white chested, chestnut body 10 points easy

his delicate feet and easy stride

leaving imprints on the once unbroken sea of white lawn

He raises his nose, looks this way and that

and comes even closer to the home where I reside

when all of a sudden from the tree line breaks

a herd of a dozen, maybe more

It’s midnight now, and they’re in full view

and I caught between warmth and the frozen world

with my hand pressed against the cold glass

I wait in a house as silent as a tomb

Then the stag see’s me, eyes locking,

heard standing shoulder to shoulder

and without much fanfare, save the beating heart in my chest

they bow to the boy standing here

I with my teddy bear clutched in my hand

the heat register cloaking my bare narrow shoulders

return the bow with the sincerity of my station

for I am a child of the moon

 

Dear Amazon

Dear Amazon,
I am a novelist that has recently moved from a publishing house to working strictly with Amazon to publish my work. Recently, as well as several times in the past, I've noticed that some of my reviews for my work have gone missing. Not only that, some of the reviews I've made for books that I've read, be the author a friend or a stranger. I haven't been the only person that has been experiencing this. As a matter of fact, dozens of authors have complained about this phenomenon on my feed alone in the past 24 hours.
Here's the thing. A lot of authors are interconnected with each other. A lot of them speak on social media, either because they belong to the same small publishing house, are self published through Amazon, or the love of their craft brought them together through social media. These authors not only write books - they read them. They also review them.
Furthermore, small review websites have popped up over the years from avid fans of genre fiction who want to support their favorite authors. Authors contact these sites prior, during, or after first releasing their novels, the site agrees to review for them, and word of mouth leads to better sales for the authors.
This interconnectivity of social media is important for authors to make sales. We're not part of the big five. Most of our work aren't put in brick and mortar stores. They're all online purchases and that rings ever more true for Gay Fiction or other similar genre work.
In the end, all aspects of the literary world end up being disappointed.
I don't know if this a situation where Amazon sifts through each and every book to see if they're connected or there is some type of algorithm present that detects that - and while i understand looking for fraud is important (and appreciated) removing these reviews sort of throws a wrench in everyone's machine - including yours. That's an income loss for you too.
Furthermore, with Click Farms in China eating the profits from the KU program, making best sellers out of empty pages in book sold on your website, it's becoming harder and harder to justify publishing through your company. With the expenses that authors pay for, like editors, proofreaders, cover artists, as well as blog tours, it makes financial sense to go through small presses to have their work put out for distribution.
Something has to change here. There are a lot of very talented people out there as literature is going through this minor Golden Age, who are getting the short end of the stick.

Best Regards,
F.E. Feeley jr

Frantic (poem)

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The simple act of breathing

the heartbeat

thoughts receding

rock me gently in the afternoon sun

relax, I tell my body

let the moment heal you

listen to some music

and let the words distract you

as you lip sync the lyrics

that you’ve learned to know by heart

keep busy, must keep busy

write something, say something,

ten more pounds on the weight bench

heavy breathing in the moment

there’s no rest until you’re done

walk the dog at a fast clip,

come home and set out some chicken

think about dinner, think about bills,

check the status of your sales

and wonder if it’s all done

Try to relax, I say again

but i feel lazy, unrepentant

must do, must do something

to justify my existence

give me worth, make me worthy

where did all my book sales go?

I am still but I’m not stable

guest come to eat at my dinner table

get up, clean up, entertain

My God does this ever stop?

undeserving, under serving

a little blue pill (no not that one)

I am taking

take away the panic

understanding nothing’s wrong

But it is wrong, isn’t it?

I am half here, half somewhere else

hungry, horny, needed, needing

please believe me when I say this

I want to just lay down

But I love you,

God, I love you

there is no one else above you

except for him and maybe her,

and then there’s Christ

What have I done?

Relax, I tell my body

let the moment try and heal you

until the thoughts you have been thinking

have been emptied from your heart