Chris Baty's Blog, page 264

Chris A. and Sarah Debate Bears

Sarah: Just when we were starting to think there was nothing in the world that Chris A. and I disagreed on, we were saved from an abrupt end to our award-winning* blog debate series by the Camp and Guts Drive.

Not, you understand, because Chris and I disagree on the idea of donating to your favourite literary nonprofit, and helping launch Camp NaNoWriMo and build a new website for NaNoWriMo. We are both in favour of that and think you should all go and donate right now. (We'll wait.)

No, the schism began when we saw the poster that $50+ donors will receive.

Why? I'll tell you why.

Bears.

You're probably thinking that because I'm Canadian, I'm pro-bear. But you, my blog-reading, donation-making friend, would be wrong. I am anti-bear. Down with bears!

Chris: Hi, Sarah! While I would love to employ all the written debate skills I possess in order to dissuade you from your (quite indefensible) point, I have decided to respond in pictures only.

I will await your response. Thanks.

Sarah: See, this is where your argument falls apart. While those bears may look cuddly and adorable, they are in fact vicious killing machines. All this internet propaganda about bears means that when tourists encounter actual bears in the wild, they do crazy things like try to pose their kids on top of them. They do this, of course, after parking their cars by the side of the highway in such a way as to encourage the next 17 cars full of tourists to stop, and the next thing you know traffic is backed up all the way to Head Smashed In Buffalo Jump. (Yes, that's a real place.)

Plus, then the tourist gets mauled and the paperwork is endless and if there's anything I hate more than traffic, it's paperwork.

And don't get me started on the fictional bears. People seem to think that Yogi Bear is just a lovable scamp, when in fact he is a compulsive eater and a thief. And what is Paddington doing with a hat? Why would a bear need a hat?

Also, the Berenstain Bears are proof that bears completely lack imagination. Who names their kids Brother and Sister? Lame!

The only acceptable bear is a gummi bear.

Chris: The outrageous claims I just read are an affront to my bear-loving eyes. And how do you think those poor polar bear cubs would feel if they heard you saying such things? Anyway, to respond to your first point: bears are just doing their thing. It's not their fault that they are both adorable and majestic creatures that humans love to interact with.

Your point on Yogi Bear is simply silly. Do you think that Sir Tom Cavanagh—star of the hit television show Ed—would agree to be in a star-studded film remake about a "compulsive eater"? I think not! (Okay, he's not really a knight; I made that part up.)

And why would Paddington need a hat? He lives in London! It's rainy! I suppose next you'll ask why he needs boots. Come on, Sarah.

Overall, I give your argument a big one of these:

Sarah: Thanks for reminding the world of the adorable polar bear cub that died, Chris. The only marginally cool polar bear is a panserbjørn.

If there was ever a real bear rampaging through London, people would be fleeing the streets. And has anyone ever stopped to wonder what Paddington had in that suitcase? If a bear showed up at a real camp, there would be havoc! Havoc, I tell you! Sure, it's cute when they show up in a poster for a virtual internet camp, but nobody's laughing when that bear starts ravaging a Boy Scout's rucksack.

I'm pretty sure there's only one way to settle this: we'll go find a bear, and we'll see who's right about its true nature.

Chris: The fact that you call this hypothetical bear "it" speaks volumes. If we encountered him or her in the woods, I think that bear would know who the true friend was.

Also, we do know what Paddington kept in his suitcase. Marmalade sandwiches, because they're delicious. A pure heart, that little fellow, just like all of his ilk.

I think it's time we referred this debate to our readers. Are bears the best, or are they a blight on the forest and camp community? Why do you feel this way? And (besides the wonderful Paddington), who's your favorite bear from literature, TV, movies, or real life?

Sarah: Also, might I suggest that hanging a poster with bears up in your house might offer some kind of protection against actual bears? Good thing you know where you can get a really awesome one. Constant vigilance, people. I can't wait for the swell of comments in support of my anti-bear truthiness.

*The "Chris and Sarah blog debate series" was the winner of the prestigious "Chris and Sarah think this is awesome" award.

Camp 'n' Guts: What Does It All Mean?

Peanut butter, jelly. Bread, butter. Movies, popcorn. Matches made in heaven!

But when some folks hear "camp" and "guts," the connection isn't instantly obvious.

NaNoWriMo's Camp and Guts Drive is a fundraiser to launch Camp NaNoWriMo this summer, and to rebuild NaNoWriMo.org on a new (and vastly better) platform this fall.

Not only will you get access to a great new noveling adventure at camp and a faster site and improved noveling experience this November…

You'll also get some really sweet swag for donating!

Visit the Donation Station and feast your eyes on the fabulousness! (And don't delay; quantities are limited and won't be available again once they've sold out.)

Q&A with Blake Suarez, Camp NaNoWriMo Poster Designer

The NaNoWriMo Summer Fundraising Drive is coming early this year! Starting Wednesday, May 25, and running until we're out of our limited-edition goodies, Wrimos will have a chance to launch our virtual novel-writing camp this summer, and fund new guts for the NaNoWriMo site so it can work better in the fall.

This is the most important fundraising drive we've done in a decade, and we hope you'll chip in. All donors to the NaNoWriMo "Camp and Guts" fundraiser will get special, limited-edition goodies, including this amazing Camp NaNoWriMo mini-poster! The 11" by 17" masterpiece was designed by Blake Suarez. We chatted with Blake about the poster, and also put together some images of the poster's evolution over the past month.

Blake, what's your favorite part of the Camp NaNoWriMo poster?

I'm really digging the little fire and tents. When I first started the project I thought about recreating the approved sketch with just the different types of paper. I also wanted to keep it as simple as possible, so the first set of drafts were originally just the moon, mountains, and the fire and tents. A few trees and bears later though, I was happy to hear you all enjoyed it.

What was the hardest poster element to pull off?

Finding the right color scheme. I really liked the original scheme, but it was too barren and cold. It wasn't summer camp, but it definitely looked more suitable for a camp on the moon.

Bears have been criticized in the past for their failure to produce an enduring work of fiction. What kind of novels will the bears in the poster be writing this summer?

Bears certainly get a lot of flack these days, especially for their writing abilities. Their expanded adaptation of Proust's À l'ombre des jeunes filles en fleurs was what got 'em. I have heard they are going to try out another expanded novel though, and I'm glad they aren't giving up. The last time I visited they had a few Hemingway books lying around, and I overheard from a friend of a friend they are planning for The Old Man and the Temperate Forest. That may not be this summer, though. I'm out of the loop. I have enjoyed their past pieces, but I can understand the reasons other people may not appreciate their work. And to those people, I say: Wait it out a few hundred pages. They get better.

Thanks, Blake!

Here are few shots of the poster's development. This is Blake's original black and white sketch…

Blake's first color sketch…

Blake's new, warmer color palette! Note raccoon.

Warmer color palette, with trees! Raccoon has wandered off.

The final design! With different trees! And 100% more bears!

The first 1,000 people who donate $50 or more in NaNoWriMo's Summer Fundraising Drive will get Blake's limited-edition poster (and the NaNoWriMo Takes Guts bumper sticker) as a thank-you gift! The Summer Fundraising Drive begins Wednesday, May 25!

Q&A with Wendy Bryan, NaNoWriMo bumper sticker artist

The NaNoWriMo Summer Fundraising Drive is coming early this year! Starting this Wednesday, and running until we're out of our limited-edition goodies, Wrimos will have a chance to launch our virtual novel-writing camp this summer and fund new guts for the NaNoWriMo site so it can work better in the fall.

This is the most important fundraising drive we've done in a decade, and we hope you'll chip in. All donors to the NaNoWriMo "Camp and Guts" fundraiser will get special, limited-edition goodies, including the first-ever NaNoWriMo bumper sticker! The 8.5" by 2.5" sticker features artwork by Wendy Bryan, of I Heart Guts. Wendy took a break from her gutsy illustration work to give us the scoop on the sticker.

Wendy, you designed the adorable heart on the NaNoWriMo bumper sticker. Do hearts really have mouths?

Yes, they do, but oddly enough organ mouths don't show up well in X-rays and MRIs.

You specialize in transforming organs and glands into creatures we want to hug. Does this go against the laws of nature?

Every time you hug someone you're really just grabbing an armful of guts and giving them all a big squeeze—doesn't that seem natural?

Is there any organ or gland that you would hesitate to add to the I Heart Guts stable, perhaps out of fear for other organs' safety?

Ya know, we still have yet to add the mucous glands. I'd hate for the spleen to catch cold.

Have you ever done NaNoWriMo before?

Nope, but some of the organs have had the guts and brains to do it. Kidney wrote a gripping thriller entitled Urine Trouble and Pancreas wrote a surreal treatise on digestion called Pancreatic Juice + Glucagon Nibbles.

Which organ or gland do you think would do best at NaNoWriMo, and why?

I think the adrenal glands would be a great motivator for any organ interested in writing.

Thanks, Wendy!

The NaNoWriMo Camp and Guts Fundraising Drive begins Wednesday, May 25!

Might as well face it

I'm addicted to pens.

I do not admit this to you because I wish to repent; nay, I remain as infatuated with pens as ever. I regret nothing. I am willing to admit, however, that things may have gotten a little bit out of hand. The photo you see above was taken on Saturday night at the end of my pen auditions.
Yep. Pen auditions. On a Saturday night. (Worse yet: it was a long weekend here in Canada.) You see, I have so many pens that they are ranked by their location. I have a box of unloved pens in a drawer in the study. I think my husband occasionally poaches pens from that box, although he's more of a pencil guy. (In addition to being a mixed pen/pencil marriage, we're a crunchy/smooth peanut butter household. We also have our own laundry detergent and toothpaste. This is a house divided.)

When we were house hunting earlier this year, one of the requirements was a space where I could work. I work from home, and having all my stuff stashed next to my recliner in the living room was just not working for me. We ended up with a work area that is a million times more awesome than I'd hoped (I'll blog about it once I've finished setting it up), but it meant I had to figure out what I wanted on my desk.

I haven't had my own desk since I moved out of my parents' house, so I rescued various supplies that had been scattered around the house. (My husband stole my red Swingline stapler. I remedied this immediately.) My top-tier pens were divided between my pencil case and my jaunty red NaNoWriMo mug. I knew I wanted my mug to be my pen-holder on my desk, but I didn't have room in it for all the pens available.

Which is how I found myself spending my Saturday night writing with 60 or so pens.

What makes this completely ridiculous is the fact that I do 90% of my writing with my favourite pen. It's a fountain pen, 0.8mm, black ink, nice solid barrel but remarkably lightweight. I go out of my way to write things with it because it makes my writing look prettier than it is and makes me feel fancy. Who doesn't like to feel fancy? (It's the pen in the forefront of the photo.)

And yet, there that cup sits, holding four highlighters (two erasable ones!), a pencil (even though I hate writing with pencil), and 25 pens. Three green ones, three purple, four red, four pink, five blue (mostly various shades of turquoise), and six black (my preferred colour). And those are just the ones that got top ranking in the pen auditions. There are just as many in my auxiliary pen basket in the shelf next to my desk. And that's only the pens I can reach from my desk.

I swear I can quit whenever I want.

The Wonders of the East

I recently journeyed by train though the Great Lands of the East: Pennsylvania, New York, Rhode Island, and Massachusetts. On my trip I saw many wonders, and I would like to share some of those with you now.

1) Mercersburg Academy. M.A. is a boarding school in Pennsylvania, and I got a chance to talk to the student body about the curious benefits of high-velocity writing. I owe a huge thanks to Dr. Larry Jones, Mikaela, and Kathy for bringing me to campus and showing me such a great time. I will never forget those bacon-wrapped scallops.

2) Trains. Have you ridden on a train? They're just like planes, but slower, longer, and with more electrical outlets. I couldn't tear myself away from my window. So many things to see that you completely miss from the highway! It was a little like rolling through the backyard of America. Really beautiful.

3) Train bathrooms. A little like rolling through the backyard bathroom of America. Less beautiful.

4) My New York City hotel room. I ended up at the Jane on a tip from NaNo-novelist Rachael Herron. My entire room was smaller than my bed in Berkeley (and I don't have a particularly large bed), but I really loved it. Great location in Greenwich Village and a warm, absurdist vibe that made the whole place feel like it had tumbled out of a Jim Jarmusch film. The biggest bonus of all: No bedbugs! That I know of. Yet.

5) The High Line. It's an old, elevated train track that's been converted into a skinny, elevated park that zigs and zags above Chelsea's meatpacking district. New Yorkers, Norwegian families, and supermodels come here to sunbathe in comfy chairs that look out over the Hudson River. I think it's scientifically impossible not to be happy when you're on the High Line.

6) Downtown Providence. I'm deeply jealous of the Brown and RISD students who get to have this cool, slightly depressed downtown as their playground. Old buildings. Old bars. I bought a tiny painting of a fish wearing a birthday hat at Craftland, and it may be the finest artistic investment I've ever made.

7) MASS MoCA. My friend Brian took me to this middle-of-nowhere contemporary art museum in North Adams, Massachusetts. Weird, interesting stuff everywhere. We got there by driving up through the storied Berkshire Mountains. Where rich Connecticuters have been vacationing amongst taciturn syrup-ranchers for generations.

8) The song "Blue Skies" by Noah and the Whale. Which I listened to on planes, trains, and subway cars throughout the Northeast. Total play count: 120. Thanks for the soundtrack, guys.

Photo of the High Line by Asterix611

A Delicious Infestation

"Berkeley Pest Control, how can I help you?"

"Well, our office is experiencing an infestation, and we were wondering if you could help."

"What's the nature of the infestation?"

"It's terrible; they just keep coming…"

"Sir, you'll need to calm down. What kind of pests are you seeing?"

"They're so many different colors. Oh god, a purple one, the most delicious kind…"

"Are you eating the pests, sir? And they're purple?"

"And pink, and red, and orange. I've eaten them all."

"And what's the source of the infestation?"

"We put a bowl out in the office, and they just keep getting refilled… And we keep eating them."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Since last week. Did I mention how delicious they are?"

"Sir, stop eating the pests."

"I wish I could."

Rest! And drink lots of tea!

I've been out sick the last few days and I notice I'm not hearing the usual advice: rest and drink lots of tea. Rest, yes, but no one reminds me of the other because since I stopped drinking coffee (more than a month ago!), I'm down to two drinks—water and tea, that's it. I don't drink juice, I don't touch soda. I don't drink anything that comes with a warning label. My biggest vice these days is a hot chocolate or a chai (made with soy—I'm also trying to live kinder, like my sweet friends over at The Kind Life), but in my sick haze, I wondered if I've been depriving myself. I started craving the cure-all of my childhood, Top Ramen and a Coke, so I removed my sick self from the care of good Doctors Pekoe and Smokey and their amazing patented Crush Therapy long enough to get to the kitchen and open this drawer:

*This is not an ad for Yogi Tea.

There are 19 more boxes of tea on my shelves, there are three more boxes at the office (that's just on my desk!), and this picture doesn't even show the entire drawer! Deprived? No way. I've actually expanded my palate (Tahitian Vanilla! Goji Berry! Lemon Ginger!). The occasional galloping office flu aside, I've never felt better. My mind might want the comfort food of my youth, a bowl of MSG and a glass of sugar. My body does not.

I think this is on my mind now because I'm sick and because I know, for the first time, what it feels like to be well. In the last year I've made some serious changes in service of my health because I've come (slowly, sometimes kicking and screaming) to the realization that this is the body I'm going to be in for the rest of my life. I live inside of it.  I spent my wild youth feeding it, oh, mainly Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, but today I try to think about what I can do for it. Last week I cut out black teas (except for that occasional Chai—a girl's gotta live) and I just wish I'd done all of this sooner!

You can read more about this in my fifth book, How I Started Treating My Body Like a Temple and Turned into a Goddess, forthcoming from some very lucky publisher in, let's say, 2015 and I'll get off my all-natural organic soapbox now.  So, what about you? Lindsey's got her Thunder, Candace has her expertise (experteas!), and I have just about every of flavor of Yogi out there. What are you drinking? What are your old-school home remedies and new favorites when you catch a bug? How are you loving your temple today?

Writer Fuel: Baked Macaroni and Cheese

I have been in serious need of writer fuel lately, as I have been working on my MFA thesis, which is a collection of short stories. As readers of this blog know, I am a big fan of sweet things. Dessert food just seems to go with writing better than any other food. (Maybe it's just the sugar?) But every now and then I get a craving for the ultimate savory comfort food: mac 'n' cheese. So I baked up a batch last weekend, and have been living on it for the past week. Must be great writer fuel because I managed to finish up 180 pages, and submit the first draft of the thesis yesterday.

Here's my favorite mac 'n' cheese recipe, and be sure to share your own in the comments!

Ingredients:

1/2 pound macaroni
3 tablespoons butter
3 tablespoons flour
1 tablespoon powdered mustard
3 cups whole milk
1 bay leaf
1/2 teaspoon paprika
1 large egg
12 ounces sharp cheddar, shredded
1 teaspoon salt
Fresh black pepper

Topping:

3 tablespoons butter
1 cup bread crumbs

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

In a large pot of boiling water, cook the pasta to al denté.

While the pasta is cooking, in a separate pot, melt the butter. Whisk in the flour and mustard and keep it moving for about five minutes. Make sure it's free of lumps. Stir in the milk, bay leaf, and paprika. Simmer for ten minutes and remove the bay leaf.

Temper in the egg. Stir in 3/4 of the cheese. Season with salt and pepper. Fold the macaroni into the mix and pour into a 2-quart casserole dish. Top with remaining cheese.

Melt the butter for the topping in a sauté pan and toss the bread crumbs to coat. Top the macaroni with the bread crumbs. Bake for 30 minutes. Remove from oven and rest for five minutes before serving.

Eat. And be happy.

Photo and (slightly altered) recipe from The Food Network

Vegas, baby!

I am heading to Las Vegas for the first time in my life. Though I'm not traveling there to participate in the usual behaviors (gambling, getting married, eating endangered species), but instead to visit family, I fear it's impossible not to get sucked into the spectacle.

I can't help but ponder the representations I have seen in books and on film of this larger-than-life place—it is the standard by which I will end up judging the real thing!

The movies I keep referencing in my mind are Swingers, The Hangover, Ocean's Eleven, and cameo appearances in The Big Lebowski and Knocked Up. As for books, well, I can only think of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. (I read it, though I didn't see the movie adaptation.)

After this weekend, I will only be able to compare representation of Vegas in film and movies to the real thing.

I'd love to know what those might be—if I am missing some major seminal works about, or set in, this notorious and ultimately unavoidable phenomenon of a city. Enlighten me, please!

Through the looking glass I go…

Photo by Flickr user bfishadow