E.L. Farris's Blog, page 3

Dear Congress: Can You Hear Me Now?

I just got a phone call from some Republican running for political office here in Northern Virginia. They call my husband and me because we vote red most years. Yeah, stupid us, right? Anyway, I almost picked up the phone and started screaming, “I’m mad and I’m not gonna take it . . .” but I thought better of it. Upon further reflection, maybe I need to hit the caller ID button and return that phone call. Fuckers. Really. Forgive […]

Congress: Can You Hear Me Now

I just got a phone call from some Republican running for political office here in Northern Virginia. They call my husband and me because we vote red most years. Yeah, stupid us, right? Anyway, I almost picked up the phone and started screaming, “I’m mad and I’m not gonna take it . . .” but I thought better of it.

Upon further reflection, maybe I need to hit the caller ID button and return that phone call. Fuckers. Really. Forgive my language. But I’m really angry tonight. I’m a little bit angry at myself, and a lot more angry at the folks we voted for. Sure, I voted some of them into office. But my party has now put my awesome, hardworking, proud to serve and all of that family out of work.

I am so irked I could spit. You know what I say? They really want to say the government is unnecessary? Then shut the whole thing down. Military? Shut it down. FBI? Shut it down. Counter-terrorism unit? Shut it down.

Something explodes somewhere? Oops. No emergency workers. Need to visit someone you love somewhere? Oops, we sent the air traffic controllers home. There are no planes flying the friendly skies tonight.

You need more government handouts? Nope. You’re relying on your social security check? Oops. Defunded. Forget about welfare. Too bad you need food stamps. You’re injured? Oops. Medicare just went kaput.

You know what? If government doesn’t matter, then just shut it all down. You get my point, right? Or if you’re a crazy anarchist, you’re nodding, and howling, “Right on El!!! WAHOO!!”

The government either matters or it doesn’t. If you really think it doesn’t matter, dear Congress, then shut the whole thing down. Then clean up the mess you’ve created. Do your own dirty work–even for just a day. Take responsibility for tearing out the walls that bind our collective welfare together. 

I’ve heard some folks argue, “Stop paying Congress. That will solve the problem.” You know what? They don’t care. Most of them are rich. They won’t miss a measly paycheck or two. But you know what? My family will. Oh, we’re not going to lose our home. Nor is my friend Joanne. But we’re scared. We don’t know when we will receive our next paycheck. And it’s not like we’re raking in money. A federal government salary is solid, but it won’t make anyone rich.

I don’t work for the government. But my husband does. And he has no opinion on this issue. I do, however, and I speak on behalf of the more than eight hundred thousand men and women who comprise the federal government’s work force. I’m too mad to be eloquent, but I need to say my piece tonight.

Dear Republicans in Congress:  It’s been said that the power to tax is the power to destroy. It’s a power you’re supposed to use wisely, with great care, respect, and prudence. You’re not supposed to use it to further your own ends, or advance your partisan beliefs. 

Job One, Republican friends, is to keep the lights on and the electricity running. Now, you refuse to do either. You’re not building. You’re destroying. You claim to be protecting the country, but all you’re doing is breaking stuff. 

You’re not keeping the lights on and the electricity running. You won’t, unless the Democrats agree to your terms. You know what this amounts to? It’s blackmail. You’re basically blackmailing the country. And this is a sick misuse of your power over the nation’s purse strings. ObamaCare may be a piece of controversial legislation, our nation’s elected representatives rightfully, duly, voted for it. When challenged judicially, the Highest Court of the Land ruled in favor of its constitutionality.

The Democrats followed all of the procedures, obeyed all of the rules, and now all we’re asking is for you to do the same. You lost–we lost–fair and square.

But now, you want to break the rules–the same rules that all of us live by. When we lose, we shake hands and move on. And for more than two hundred years, that’s how our country operated: you fight your ass off, lose, shake hands, and get back to work.

The rest of the country has moved on. We might not love the health care bill, but we’re making do with it. We’re doing the best we can. We’re compromising and working shit out. And all we want is for you to keep the lights on. Please don’t make us go home to a much too quiet house on a darkened street.

We the People deserve better.

 

Compare and Despair: Self-Publishing Tips

One of my friends coined the phrase, “compare and despair,” and it’s become almost a mantra. I used to make myself absolutely miserable seeking quantitative proof of my intrinsic worth. I still do sometimes, in so many different ways. I check my reviews, my sales numbers, number of likes on each of my Facebook posts, total list of friends and followers, revenue earned . . . the list goes on and on. And the sad thing is, so often, the […]

Up All Night and Missing Electrons

I stayed up all night last night, or almost all night. I tried to stop working at 4 a.m., but the document I left on the big iMac followed me around as I tried to nod off. I had taken on this project pro bono, as we used to say in law firms, for a friend of mine who paid all this money to get her book edited, and the editor had left the formatting in complete, total, disarray. So […]

Self-Publishing: Hyperventilating, Sardines and Kimchi

One of my closest friends wrote me a note last night. “El. I’m almost hyperventilating. About self-publishing. And marketing. And promoting. And layout. And . . .”

Well. It was a long list of stuff. And what she actually wrote is a lot different than that, but I write fiction, so I get to change stuff around a lot. I smiled when I read this, because I get it. I’ve felt the same way so many times, as I sat in front of my computer contemplating all the things I had to do, at that exact moment, when all I wanted to do was to write.

So what do you do when you’re feeling overwhelmed about the whole icky, impossible, terribly awful self-publishing process?

Well, as an athlete, I learned how to focus on the basics. So if my swing was messed up, or my jump shot kept clanging off the back of the rim, I’d run through a checklist. As far as hitting a ball coming at me at 60 miles an hour from 45 feet away, I’d make sure my elbow was up, my shoulders were way back, hands nice and low, and I’d see the ball right when it left the mound and try to watch it all the way to the barrel of the bat. In basketball, I’d focus on elbows in, back straight, and that gorgeous wrist flick on my follow-through.

In self-publishing, whenever I feel overwhelmed, I refocus on the basics as well. Am I hitting my daily word count of 1,000 words? Am I working my social media contacts in a personal, helpful and awesome way? In other words, really talking to people and making myself useful?

Am I building my newsletter subscriber base? Is it time to price pulse, or drop down to 99 cents and contact advertising sites like EReader News, Bookblast, Free Booksy, and a few others? Am I on track for my release date, and is there anything I can do between now and then to get better prepared?

When I played ball and was in a hitting, shooting or (gah!) pitching slump, I practiced extra hard, stopped worrying about outcomes like shooting percentages, games won or lost, and ERA. Instead, I put in the extra time, and kept it simple. Elbows, follow-through, release point, and number of shots taken or pitches thrown during each practice session. I focused on the things I could control, and ignored everyone and everything else.

When my sales drop, or my Facebook page interaction numbers tail off, I stop looking at the results. I pay attention to the things that really matter. Is the dialogue in chapter six of Wave realistic? Did I nail the roller derby action sequence? Is this scene a funny and helpful resting spot for the reader, or I am being self-indulgent again?

And when I can’t focus on any of these things because my worries paralyze me, I stop away from the computer, and I do something different. Like complain about how nasty my husband’s kimchi and sardines smells. Or I grab a football and ask my daughter to play catch with me.

Basics. I get back to basics.

Self-Publishing: Hyperventilating, Sardines and Kimchi

One of my closest friends wrote me a note last night. “El. I’m almost hyperventilating. About self-publishing. And marketing. And promoting. And layout. And . . .” Well. It was a long list of stuff. And what she actually wrote is a lot different than that, but I write fiction, so I get to change stuff around a lot.  I smiled when I read this, because I get it. I’ve felt the same way so many times, as I sat […]

Ripple news and Scorecard

Hey my friends! I have some news on Ripple. First, I’m still trying to work out a hybrid Indie/traditional deal, which will allow me to hold onto the e-rights to my books while I negotiate literary, audio, subsidiary, and most importantly, TV and movie rights for my work. Second, I just found out that Ripple is the #2 rated work of fiction in the lit fiction genre on Amazon. Not that it’s better than The Hobbit or Beloved or any […]

The Accidental Expert Guide to Self-Publishing

The entire self-publishing process looks terrifying, so I want to make this as easy and affordable for you as possible.  What follows is a checklist of what you must do, what you must not do, and what you may or may not do when you publish on your own. Ready? Write the best book you can write. Personally, I don’t like to work with critique groups (too many cooks in the kitchen). A critique partner or a couple of beta […]

A Writer with a Magic Box of Big Ideas

The Sexual Adventures of Time and Space by Brian Sfinas is unlike anything I’ve read, which is to say, it’s unique and brilliant and in some respects, difficult to review. It doesn’t fit exactly in any box or within any genre. I suppose, given its imaginative and excellent composition, not to mention its deep philosophical explorations, it represents literary fiction at its finest, with elements of metaphysical or maybe even science fiction tossed in.        Sexual Adventures is a [...]

Coded and Categorized

Chapter from Bad Doggy, or Stray Dog, or All Welcome in Heaven by E.L. Farris      Note: this is another Sally Lane Brookman story, as yet unpublished and very much unedited.        I felt like hell today. Well, I’ve felt like hell for a few days now. I’d forgotten what this feels like, and I don’t even know if it’s real. I don’t know what’s real sometimes. So what if there’s a DSM tag or code or name for [...]