Dan Brooks's Blog, page 5

Are We Ready For Christ?

If I had waited until I was ready to have kids and get married it never would have happened. Even though I was 32 when I got married I still wasn't ready for it. My wife has 4 daughters and I wasn't ready to be a step dad. I didn't want to fail even more people than I already had. I broke up with my then girlfriend twice over me not being ready. She refused to let me go. And I wanted to stay I was just afraid of the immense responsibility. Because I didn't feel ready.
But I realized over these last 4 years that stepping up even when I wasn't ready is what made me capable to live up to the roles of husband and stepdad. You can't ever be ready for something until you begin to actually do it.
No one is ever ready to have kids which is honestly the highest degree of responsibility a person can have. But after having kids you become ready.
Often we are prepared for our journey by walking the path rather than planning or training for it. There is no training there is only doing.
And when it comes to discipleship we can never be ready for the sacrifices, the responsibility, the trails and tribulations by any other means except jumping into the trenches and getting dirty caring for the poor, the sick, the hungry, the adulteress and the addicts.
Only in the living of a life of discipleship are we prepared for that life. People often wonder what Jesus did between ages 12-30 since those are what's known as the missing years. No one but Jesus really know. But I don't think He was in training of any sort. He was likely living a normal life since no amount of training could prepare Him for His role. He had to simply live it.
His parables were masterful, His teachings were so succinct there have been relevant and timely for 2,000 years. But what if by living the life of the Messiah is what it took to pull that out of Him? I'm not saying anybody could do it but by doing it I think He adjusted to what was needed. And then He delivered it.
His Apostles were zealots, fishermen, tax collectors or publicans, and not one of them had been prepared for their roles either. They learned slowly but they learned. And because they eventually lived up to their callings we have the Gospel preserved.
Jesus only had 12 disciples to spread His message but it went world wide and it depended on each Apostle living up to his calling.
We as Mormons are fond of saying "Every member a missionary." But it is true. We each may be the only experience with a Mormon many will have. And it will be how we treat others, those who can do nothing for us, how we talk to and about others that defines how others see Mormons.
But Christ sees us each as His disciples, as His missionaries. And for me as long as Christ recognizes my faith that's what matters most.
But if we truly love one another as Christcloves us, if we see each other and treat each other as schist would then our Christianity will be recognized by those we meet and His message will find a new home in the hearts of many.
And the only way to be ready, to prepare to live a life of discipleship...is to just live it.

The Rapture

The rapture doctrine was invented in 1830 in England by John Nelson Darby. It has since spread like wild fire throughout Protestant denominations worldwide and spawned a book fictional book series and movies called Left Behind.
There is little to no evidence that this theology was ever accepted or preached prior to Darby. But just because it's relatively new doesn't make it false. It would be in bad form as a Mormon for me to dismiss theology never heard of before 1830 would it not?
In the Left Behind series there is a character that is a pastor and his congregation is raptured but he is left behind. He cries out to God to be given another chance, to be used by God and to not be abandoned by Him.
This character resonates deeply with me. He says there is a difference between knowing and believing. There is also a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.
Just because I know the teachings of Christ does not in and of itself mean that I am living them. So I do my best and I find the more often I live up to the teachings the easier it becomes to live them in the future.
The rapture doctrine teaches that followers of Christ, true believers, will be taken or raptured up to heaven to be in His presence and thereby avoid the seven years of tribulation when the AntiChrist reigns. And brings about hell on earth.
So this teaching is saying that true followers will get out of jail free rather than suffer through the hell the earth will become. But that goes against what being a follower of Christ is all about. Because as followers of Christ we ought to make it our mission to turn every hell we find into a heaven for all.
I heard a story once whose source has been lost to me. It follows three men who have just died. They find themselves in a desert at a fork in the road. And a heavenly being approached them on the sun scorched dirt road and asked them where they thought they belonged, heaven or hell?
Two of them chose heaven but the honest one chose hell. He thought he deserved to be there as he knew his sons were great, too great to be forgiven.
So the heavenly being showed him the way to hell.
When the man arrived in hell he saw broken down houses, rabid animals, thrives and murderers.
He quietly claimed a home. After sometime getting used to his surroundings he decided to renovate his home, then his neighbors and then other neighborhoods. Soon enough the streets were clean and so were the people.
They did business instead of stealing. They made friends instead of enemies. They cared more and hated less. They made a heaven out of what was once hell.
Then the heavenly being again appeared to the man who chose hell and made it a heaven. The being took the man to a hill and showed him another hell and said we need you, they need you to go to them and do for them what you have done here.
And the man accepted his call and began to walk to his new home and realized it would not be the last hell he would turn into a heaven.
This story is what Jesus would have us do on earth as it is in heaven. He would have us better the lives of all those we could. We by ourselves can not save the world but we can save on their, one drunk, one addict, one adulteress at a time. Gandhi said "What you do will be insignificant but it is very important that you do it."
Shakespeare said life is a stage and we a play our part. We are not meant to save the world. It has already been saved so to speak. We are meant to turn each hell we find into a heaven and then move to the next hell and do it again.
I feel that the rapture takes us away from that quintessential Christian mission of turning hell into heaven. By living the teachings we can turn our personal hells into our own heavens. We can transform ourselves completely and that is our greatest accomplishment. Next to helping others transform themselves. Our job as Christians is to be in the trenches with the poor, the outcast, the sinners, the thieves, the murderers and the adulterers tending to the wounded just as Jesus Himseld did. Not escaping from that job.
I liked my story about the man who turned hell into heaven much better that the story of the rapture or left behind series.
Which story do you prefer?

You Can't Buy Happiness

Money is numbers and numbers never end. If it takes money to be happy, your search for happiness will never end.
Money has always been what enslaves those without it and leads to addiction for those with it.
Jesus taught this about what treasure really is: 19 ¶Lay not up for yourselves treasuresupon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break throughand steal:

20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: 21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." Matthew 6:19-21

Treasures in Heaven last beyond this life whereas our material wealth does not. Our fine clothes, bank account balance, our luxury SUV's or movie and music collections do us no eternal good.

But our true wealth, our memories, our kinds words and deeds leave an impact that lasts beyond this world. They are the treasures we lay up in Heaven.

But the biggest lesson to me is that where our treasure is our heart will be also. So if we choose the material wealth we will grow to love it. We will polish our treasured sports car with a diaper while we ignore our spouse or children.

Families are forever and our life's work ought to be in loving them. The family and loved ones are where our treasure is and where our heart should be. The dividends of that work will pay off for all eternity.

15% of everything Jesus taught was about money and possessions. That's more than what He taught about Heaven and Hell combined. The Bible taught 500 verses on prayer, less than 500 on faith but over 2,000 on money and possessions. 

It is critical that we understand the scriptural ethos of money and possessions. Here in Mosiah is one of my favorite passages:

19 For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind? Mosiah 4:19

We are alike unto God, we are all beautiful in the eyes of God. Our bank account balance does not make us better than others. Whether high or low our money and possessions reflect nothing more than whether we are rich or poor. To say you are blessed because you have plenty is to say those without are cursed.

Zacheous was a tax collector for the Romans, considered a sinner and traitor the the Jews. He pledged half of his wealth and to repay four times what he stole from others. Here is how his story unfolds in scripture:

19 And Jesus entered and passed through Jericho.

2 And, behold, there was a man named Zacchaeus, which was the chief among the publicans, and he was rich.

3 And he sought to see Jesus who he was; and could not for the press, because he was little of stature.

4 And he ran before, and climbed up into a sycomore tree to see him: for he was to pass that way.

5 And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchaeus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house.

6 And he made haste, and came down, and received him joyfully.

7 And when they saw it, they all murmured, saying, That he was gone to be guest with a man that is a sinner.

8 And Zacchaeus stood, and said unto the Lord: Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor; and if I have taken any thing from any man by false accusation, I restore him fourfold.

9 And Jesus said unto him, This day is salvation come to this house, forsomuch as he also is a son of Abraham.

10 For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost. Luke 19:1-10

If we want to achieve salvation we must ask what we can do for others, how best we can serve? What we cannot do is be selfish and only ask what we can do for ourselves? Because if we do then our heart will only be with ourselves and not with others and not with God.

True happiness follows us into the eternities so we must take care as to what we treasure and what we grow to love.

Born Again

In scripture Jesus says we must be born again: "Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.

6 That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.

7 Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again." John 3:5-7

This, I feel, has been hijacked to mean we must have a literal faith in Christ. Meaning we must simply believe Jesus is real and our messiah and we magically inherit the kingdom of God.

While I do believe that Christ is real and our messiah, I do not believe that is sufficient to open up the kingdom. I have known those who believe in the teachings of Jesus but do not have literal faith in Him. And those people have been far more Christlike, more often than not, than those who claim to be born again.

I wonder if having a faith that following Jesus' teachings in terms of forgiving 77 times, of loving our enemies, loving one another as He loves us, is what truly unlocks the kingdom on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Here's what Gandhi said about his understanding of Jesus:

""Although I have devoted a large part of my life to the study of religion and to discussion with religious leaders of all faiths, I know very well that I cannot but seem presumptuous in writing about Jesus Christ and trying to explain what he means to me. I do so only because my Christian friends have told me, on more than a few occasions, that for the very reason I am not a Christian and that (I shall quote their words exactly) “I do not accept Christ in the bottom of my heart as the only Son of God,” it is impossible for me to understand the profound significance of his teachings, or to know and interpret the greatest source of spiritual strength that man has ever known.

Although this may or may not be true in my case, I have reasons to believe that it is an erroneous point of view. I believe that such an estimate is incompatible with the message that Jesus Christ gave to the world. For, he was certainly the highest example of one who wished to give everything, asking nothing in return, and not caring what creed might happen to be professed by the recipient. I am sure that if he were living here now among men, he would bless the lives of many who perhaps have never even heard his name, if only their lives embodied the virtues of which he was a living example on earth; the virtues of loving one’s neighbour as oneself and of doing good and charitable works among one’s fellowmen.

What, then, does Jesus mean to me? To me, he was one of the greatest teachers humanity has ever had. To his believers, he was God’s only begotten Son.* Could the fact that I do or do not accept this belief make Jesus have any more or less influence in my life? Is all the grandeur of his teaching and of his doctrine to be forbidden to me? I cannot believe so.

To me, it implies a spiritual birth. My interpretation, in other words, is that in Jesus’ own life is the key of his nearness to God; that he expressed, as no other could, the spirit and will of God. It is in this sense that I see him and recognize him as the Son of God.

THE SPIRIT OF JESUS

But I do believe that something of this spirit that Jesus exemplified in the highest measure, in its most profound human sense, does exist. I must believe this; if I did not believe it, I should be a sceptic; and to be a sceptic is to live a life that is empty and lacks moral content. Or, what is the same thing, to condemn the entire human race to a negative end.

It is true that there certainly is reason for scepticism when one observes the bloody butchery that European aggressors have unloosed, and when one thinks about the misery and suffering prevalent in every corner of the world, as well as the pestilence and famine that always follow, terribly and inevitably, upon war.

In the face of this, how can one speak seriously of the Divine Spirit incarnate in man? Because these acts of terror and murder offend the conscience of man; because man knows that they represent evil; because in the inner depths of his heart and of his mind, he deplores them. And because, moreover, when he does not go astray, misled by false teachings or corrupted by false leaders, man has within his breast an impulse for good and a compassion that is the spark of Divinity, and which some day, I believe, will burst forth into the full flower that is the hope of all mankind.

JESUS’ EXAMPLE

An example of this flowering may be found in the figure and in the life of Jesus. I refuse to believe that there now exists or has ever existed a person that has not made use of his example to lessen his sins, even though he may have done so without realizing it. The lives of all have, in some greater or lesser degree, been changed by his presence, his actions, and the words spoken by his divine voice.

I believe that it is impossible to estimate the merits of the various religions of the world, and, moreover, I believe that it is unnecessary and harmful even to attempt it. But each one of them, in my judgment, embodies a common motivating force: the desire to uplift man’s life and give it purpose.

And because the life of Jesus has the significance and the transcendency to which I have alluded, I believe that he belongs not solely to Christianity, but to the entire world; to all races and people, it matters little under what flag, name or doctrine they may work, profess a faith, or worship a God inherited from their ancestors."

— The Modern Review, October 1941, republished on mahatma.org.in/

If we learn anything from Christ it ought to be to see others as He does, to see an adulteress and save her from being stoned to death and stop the mob mentality, and to feel love, forgiveness, compassion and understanding as He does. Being Christlike in that sense is what it means to me to be baptized of the spirit and by fire.

In Hinduism it is called Krishna-consciousness and a Hindu named Yogananda called it Christconsciousness to help Anericans understand how best to see and live their religion.

I don't see how a literal belief alone helps in our quest to be more Christlike. It seems to only benefit those whose ego is so fragile they need everyone to believe as they do.

Literal belief is the last step in the quest to be Christlike. Gandhis understanding of Christ fueled his life's work but he was able to achieve a greatness of spirit without a literal belief. And to me living in a Christlike way, seeing others as Christ does, loving others and forgiving others as Christ did is to be baptized by the spirit or by fire as John said about Christ: "I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance. but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire." Matthew 3:11

To say that the person of Jesus is what's important, that that is what deserves sole worship is, to me, to say that the teachings are secondary.

When I feel that living the teachings is what frees us and others. That is what opens up the kingdom of God within us to all those around us. It opens up the kingdom for all the world. That is what born again means to me. Living that life is what it means to be baptized of the spirit and by fire. I do believe literal belief is a component I just do not believe it is the first step of the eternal journey.

Born again, to me, means becoming as we once were when we were with God and as Christ is.

Jesus Loves Us Just The Way We Are

My wife and I met and started dating in October of 2010. We married in July of 2011. I have four step daughters and first my second oldest stepchild came out as gay. Then another came out. Both were about 15 when they came out. One came out to me before she came out to her mom. That meant a lot that she trusted me that much. That she felt she could talk and I would listen and understand.
I've had gay friends most of my life. I asked questions to try and understand them and it may have been offensive but when I wanted to learn about homosexuality I talked, but most importantly listened, to the gay people I knew. I believe that homosexuality is not a choice for the same reason I never made a choice to be straight. So how can any of my gay friends or children who always knew they were gay have had a choice?
See my wife has had life long friends that are "members in good standing" and blindly obey the brethren. These friends have also judged the hell out of me, my wife and our children. And even though they were life long friends with my wife they unfriended her. But I wasn't expecting open minds since one of these friends is a cofounder of FAIR.
My wife was told that these "friends" would pray for our children to stop having these "feelings."
Which would be like praying that their eyes would change color on their own. The pray away the gay is not just offensive it is dangerously harmful.
But many choose to discriminate against gay people because of their "religious liberty" which I will take seriously when believing teens and young adults start killing themselves because society tells them they're lives and love is counterfeit, when kids who find God are disowned and kick out of their homes and onto the street because of their faith, I will take "religious liberty" seriously when parents send their children to reprogramming camps to gay away the pray.
In the sermon on the mount in Matthew 5-7 Jesus teaches us that when you are forced to go one mile with someone you should go two, this is where going the extra mile comes from. So if we are asked to bake one cake for a gay wedding then we should bake for them two.
My point is that even if discrimination is legal it's not what Jesus would do. If slavery was legal it's still not what Jesus would do. If treating women like property and denying them the right to vote were legal it still isn't right and it's not what Jesus would do. 
Jesus taught this: "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?

Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."

Mathew 5:44-48

How are we any better than thieves (publicans/tax collectors) if we only do good to those who do good for us?

One test of a marriage is to be good to your spouse, to still love them even when times are hard. The quality of our love is not defined by easy times the difference is made when times are hard. Love means not being cruel to win and more than that it means making sure one side doesn't win because if one side "wins" that means the other side loses.

And the quality of every relationship is the same, it is not the good times that prove our love, it is the hard times.

Even if being gay is a sin with a punishment of death in the Old Testament, so is adultery. And Jesus saved the life of an adulteress. He saved the life of a sinner, He drank with sinners, He ate with sinners and He made disciples out of sinners.

Because sinners are all Jesus ever had to work with. And that's all He ever will have to work with.

Jesus will meet us wherever we're at. He will seek out the one who is lost and leave behind the 99 to do it.

As the parent of two gay children never even once did I think of kicking my kids out on the street over them being gay. Neither did my wife. The only reason we cried after they told us is because we cannot protect them from being attacked mentally, emotionally and physically because of the way they were born.

And as a parent the deepest pain is not being able to protect your children.

Choosing to kick your children out for being gay is a choice, it is the wrong choice.

Compassion is always a choice, not always easy but always a choice. Jesus chose compassion even to sinners who were considered to have committed a deal breaker sin. We must chose wisely. The more we choose what Jesus chose the easier it gets the next time around. The easier it gets to accept that your children are gay and to love the still.

Jesus loves us each just the way we are. We should extend that same love and consideration to each other.

Making Sense Of Our Journey

Everyone is on their own journey which is theirs to make sense of, no one else can or needs to make sense of it. Not truly. So here is mine and I have only made sense of some of it.
I was born in Salt Lake City in the summer of 1979. My parents are both racist, my dad is also sexist. They divorced when I was 4. My mom got full custody. I moved to a new town and school every two years at most and after 7 th grade I moved to a new school every year until I graduated high school.
My Dad is schizophrenic and has had daily meds, monthly therapy and hospital visits from time to time my entire life. Mental illness is still stigmatized but not like it was in the early 80's. I grew up meeting and identifying with schizophrenics and other mental illnesses my whole life from the homeless to nurses. Not everyone with an illness will talk about it. Because when kids at my school found out in the 3rd grade I went from being a cool kid to completely ostracized. But it made me more understanding and compassionate especially of those who have been shunned.
In another school I was one of four white kids in an otherwise black school in the 2nd grade. When I came home from school and "acted" or talked "black" my mom would flip out, yell at me and use racial slurs while making me understand I am white and need to act like it. Like when all my friends in school had corn rows and I asked my mom if I could get them. That resulted in an epic meltdown.
But moving around the country and being the new kid almost every year, forced me to be respectful and understanding of all people despite any difference in race, gender, religion or anything else that normally separates us.
After I was discharged from the Army I lived in Waianae, Hawaii on the island of Oahu. It was one of the roughest parts of the island. In the Army we were warned not to go there as it was notoriously dangerous for soldiers especially white soldiers.
When I was still in the Army my girlfriend lived there. I showed up in Waianae in uniform on more than one occasion. I made friends easily even in a supposedly rough town, even in uniform.
I made friends easily because I understood others and I understand respect. That's all it took. I made friends with homeless people, with everyone who worked at the 7/11 or at the grocery store. And these people looked out for me. They diffused tense situations for me too.
Given that I spent my whole life moving from one city to another, always being the new kid in school, I find it easy to make friends. I am at ease in strange places. I am fine being the new guy.
I also respect others enough to learn and listen to music they like or read the books they like and especially to learn about their religion. Reading sacred texts has always been inspiring to me. Understanding what others like is good but to understand what they hold sacred is a sacred kind of respect. I don't have to believe every religion is true in order to understand them. 
Which I did learn growing up. Mostly on my own because even though I was raised LDS on my Dads side, when I asked my Mom if I could go to church she would send me to whichever church was convenient and I didn't know that all churches weren't Mormon til I was 6 or so. When I was asked not to come back to a baptist church for telling the others kids in church about the Book of Mormon. Specifically about the stripling warriors. The kids thought it was awesome but the adults had a meltdown.
Their "Christlike" love was strong until they learned I was Mormon then it evaporated and turned to ugliness and bigotry. Something I studied to prove or disprove in the words of Christ, but I was never able to find such ugliness or bigotry in His words and teachings.
Even when I lost my faith at 12 and was an Atheist until my 30's I still studied the New Testament's account of Christ and His teachings. He was harsh at times but He preached love and inclusion not hate and exclusion and fear. Religious truth claims aside I felt it was the right way to live. And I tried to live by that. Even as an atheist.
Because I feel that Christ was all about love, understanding, further light and knowledge, respect, inclusion and acceptance I love my gay neighbor. I love my Mexican neighbor, I love my addicted neighbor, I love my neighbors in prison, I love my neighbors at war, on all sides since I am commanded to love my enemies. I believe that how I show love to all God's children is proof of how much I love God.
Because God sees us cheering on the war and killing one another, and He loves us still. He sees us putting profits before lives and health, and He loves us still. He sees us stealing from others to buy for ourselves, and He loves us still. So who are we to love each other any less?
Growing up I couldn't afford to have any prejudices because my survival depended on getting along, on making friends and church was the only staple in my life. And my take on the gospel may reflect what I grew up learning but I also think the gospel was meant to be inclusive, loving, understanding and I thought of Christ as a bringer of further light and knowledge.
Others may think I'm wrong or that I've over simplified the gospel but for me I have streamlined my understanding and it has amplified the personal philosophy that has helped me my entire life.
Love is based in understanding and respect. Hate and bigotries of every kind is based in fear. Weakness gives into fear, love is nurtured by strength, honor and character.
My life is meant to make sense to me. Not anyone else but I hope I made sense out of the journey I shared with you.

True Strength

Truly strong people do not put others down. They lift them up. Christ could be harsh in His banter between Pharisees or the Canaanite woman. He could be harsh but in the case of the Canaanite woman He admired her chutzpah(one of the first Rabbis to use the word chutzpah in a positive sense) and her humble attitude and granted her request for a blessing.
He never degraded or put others down to make Himself look better. He actually debased Himself by wearing the attire of a servant and washing His disciples feet. The master was the servant. He was the servant King. What a very different idea about leadership than what mankind has had since before Rome continuing until today.
To be a leader or an example in your own life takes more courage and bravery than it does to simply follow in lock step with everyone else. To simply quote others rather than to question, ponder and pray for understanding, atrophies the mind. It is a symptom of a weak mind rather than a strong one.
Strength mentally, physically and spiritually requires sacrifice. It requires persistence. It requires dedication. It requires risk and courage. It also requires a sense of honor.
But weakness means giving in and giving up instead of standing up. Weakness means taking the path of least resistance not because it is efficient but because it requires no risk and delivers, more often than not, instant gratification whereas strength means learning good things come to those who wait. 
Cowardice is borne from weakness and selfishness but strength develops honor because honor is selfless which is why it bears the fruits of heroism.
Christ willingly suffered the Atonement for each of us. How He treated the lepers, the beggars, the blind, the tax collectors and sinners of every kind defined His ministry. But He did not give special treatment to the Kings and high priests and Roman Prefects. He also did not mistreat them for falling short of the glory of God though they sinned very differently than the other sinners He ministered to.
The lesson for me is that we should not praise the rich and degrade the poor or the other way around. We should love and honor one another as Christ does us. And not judge others for sinning differently than we do.
See Christ is seen as perfect and Ge was, He was blemish free. Not a single sin. But none of us can live up to that but we can be made whole in God. Jesus often said "Your faith has made you whole." He never said "Your faith has made you sinless" but He did forgive others of their sins.
So even if we can't be sinless we can do more, day by day, to live with the honor, the love, the understanding and compassion that Christ lived His life by. It's not just that it takes true strength to live that way, it's that as we get closer day by day to living Christ like we develop true strength and we will increase in Christlike attributes the more we exercise them.

Shame

Everyone knows the word shame but do we really know what it is, how it harms and how we can heal from it? I will devote this post and two more to understanding shame and understanding how we can heal from the wounds inflicted by it. I will refer to the work of Dr.Martinez to help us understand the deeper meaning behind this issue.  Everyone has been shamed but some to a much more destructive level than others.

I am about to go through a lot of information before relating how I have been shamed.  I'm not trying to overwhelm anyone with information. I'm just trying to give you an idea of how it relates to most people but specifically the story I am going to tell after the information has been presented.  So if most of what you read before getting to my personal story doesn't sound like me it's because it's mostly just me relating a ton of information before finally getting to my point.

So here we go.......

Dr. Mario Martinez has spent his life studying the ways that our thoughts and emotions affect our physical health. He is specifically fixated on the relationship between our physical health and our thoughts and feelings and how one affects the other but particularly the impact our thoughts and emotions have on our physical health.

The idea of tribal shaming is what interests him most.  Tribal behavior is easy to understand if we broaden our idea of a tribe beyond those we see grace the cover of National Geographic and understand that we have all been born into a tribe.  A tribe can be a nation, a culture, a religion, a family or a race.  A tribe tells us who we are, what to believe, and how to feel and behave.

Tribes are important, nay, essential to human survival.  For most of the history of our species we survived by pooling our resources and abilities, we survived by the cohesion and protection of being a part of a tribe. And we still do today. We identify as part of a nation, a religion, a culture or counter culture or a race.

 Our tribe of origin tells us who we are, what to believe and how to behave. And each tribe has its own rules.  These rules are the honor code of the tribe, this is true no matter the tribe.  And these rules are sacred.  And they must be sacred because without them the tribe dissolves and without the tribe the individual is left out in the cold, possibly doomed.

A tribe gives us meaning and identity.

 And for those whose tribe is religious for many thousands of years those rules or edicts or commandments were held so sacred that to violate them resulted in death. And still do in many parts of the world.

During childhood we are taught or indoctrinated with the rules of our tribe.  But as we grow we may see contradictions or even outright lies in what we have been taught and we may then begin to identify with another tribe.

Maybe your tribe teaches it is grievously wrong to be gay but.....you are gay.

Maybe in your tribe you were expected to serve in the military but......you want to go to art school.

Maybe in your tribe you were expected to go to law school and work at a certain law firm but....you want to be a writer.

Maybe you were expected to be subservient to men but.....you are a feminist.

And maybe your tribe was OK with you being so different.  Maybe they supported you and cheered you on.  I say maybe because getting support for deviating from the tribal norms is rare.  Incredibly rare.

Because the tool most often used to correct tribal deviations in not violence, it is shame.  Shame is how they keep you in line.  Shame is how they show you you are not good enough.  Shame is how they show you you have abandoned them.  Shame is how they show you you deserve to be shamed, you deserve being shunned, you deserve being punished, you deserve being spit on.  Shame is how they show you you have no worth because you are different, that you have committed a crime against your God for breaking His laws.

Your tribe will say you are a traitor, you abandoned them, you betrayed them. They will remind you that you weren't there when Dad died, even if you were in the military and couldn't get leave fast enough.  They will remind you that he was your step Dad so you don't get to be as upset as they do. They will make fun of you for being mentally ill, when what you need is to get help.  They will say they were just joking but you know they were never just joking, they were serious. Dead serious and it can be deadly in fact because shame takes off years of your life, it can make you lingeringly sick, and lingeringly sad.

You're tribe will make sure you know with no doubt that you are no longer one of them.  You are no longer welcome.  They will criticize you for not calling them but they never call you.  They will criticize you for never visiting them but they will never visit you.

It is terrible to be told that "you are no longer one of us." Because we are pack animals and we crave a tribe so when we are told we are no longer wanted, welcomed or loved we feel devastated and crushed.  Those words are spoken sometimes, and in other cases they are not spoken but they are always understood.


Shame is volcanic, its burning fiery hell never quite leaves those who have been scarred by it. It is the most damaging and powerful tool in the arsenal of any tribe.  Violence is fast and Shame is slow but both are brutal in their own way.  Shame can ruin lives and end them.  Shame can lead to sickness and even death.  Many may die of a broken heart but if someone dies that doesn't wield the weight of a loved one shunning and shaming you and  making it clear you are no longer wanted.

Dr.Martinez has been able to show that shame rots the body from within, that it corrodes the mind from within and whats worse is he has shown that shame leads people to abandon their callings, jobs or schooling because shame causes people to hate themselves. Because these shamed people hate themselves they sabotage their own lives refusing to let themselves be happy because they don't feel they deserve it.

These people seem to know that if they fail in their new lives that their old tribe will take them back.  And if they fail...then their old tribe will always take them back.  They will not praise them as much when they are happy or successful because that is threatening to them but they will always take them back in that case. So long as they come back broken, humbled, weak and apologetic. And having "learned their lesson."

Have you sabotaged your life so that you would be accepted by your tribe?

Did you get fired or quit your job or dream job so you would not be "better" than anyone else in your tribe?

Did you commit a crime so you would be accepted by your tribe?

Did you hide your sexuality so you would not be shunned or banish or kick out onto the streets by your tribe?

Did you attempt suicide because your tribe made you feel so worthless for not being who they wanted you to be?

Did you profess a belief in a God you don't believe in so you would be accepted by your tribe?

Or did you build the new life for yourself that you wanted? But do you feel exhausted, eternally guilty and continue to make yourself miserable even though your new life is everything you ever wanted? Miserable because your tribe has shamed you out of feeling anything positive about what you have worked so hard to create for yourself?

We must stop letting shame affect us like this.  But how?

Dr.Martinez has an exercise that is meant to help.

Here is it: Sit in meditation and let your mind settle and breathe then ask yourself this question; Who in your life-living or dead-must you abandon in order to live your life the way you choose and be happy, be enough?

Be honest and when you have the name say this to yourself and in a way them(not in reality. This exercise is for you no one else) Say to them I am abandoning you now.  I am betraying you now.

It works, in theory, because it is the opposite of what we have spent our lives in some cases trying to prove. That we are loyal. That we did not abandon them, that we are still one of them.  But regardless of what we do they still make us feel like we are traitors, that we have no honor, that we did abandon them and maybe even that we are worthless.

But in a way we have abandoned them and we aren't still one of them.  Because we needed to grow, we needed room to breathe and we would have suffocated within the confines of their tribal codes. We have abandoned them and left them behind because that was the only way of becoming the person we were created to be.  And we were created to be happy, we deserve it, we are entitled to it and we must lay claim to that.

If no one ever abandoned their tribe of origin we would have no leaps of faith. no reform. no change, no creativity and no beautiful transformations.  We should feel no shame in not remaining a pupa when we have transformed into beautiful butterfly.  We owe it to ourselves to lay claim to our transformation.

 So what comes next is what Dr.Martinez calls your "Field of honor" which is what is attacked when shame is used.  Your tribe will either overtly or subtly tell you that you have no honor since you broke their codes of honor.  And without honor we have nothing, we are nothing. That's why it cuts us to the core.

So we must rebuild that field of honor within ourselves. Start with your earliest memories.  Write down every honorable act you did or every honorable thing you said.  It's there, you are honorable, have been honorable your whole life.  Honor is within each of us.  It's when we are stripped of that that people often become reduced to animal instincts.  People often act in the way they are treated.

There is one more way in which we can defend our field of honor.  When anyone attempts to attack or challenge our honor we would do well to respond with what Dr.Martinez calls "righteous anger" anger can be detrimental and lead to many physical diseases similar to shame but there is a place for healthy anger.  This anger is in response to having our field of honor trampled on.  When someone starts in on us we may say "You will NOT shame me! Don't you even dare!" And that's it. That's the information I wanted to share before getting to how this relates to me, and possibly others.

And now I think it best to get into my story.

I met Zach in high school in 1995.  He was a year behind me but after I moved to California and then Wisconsin over the span of two years, he was the only friend I had that still wanted to have anything to do with me.  We hung out daily and sometimes for days on end.  He did back me up even if he belittled me daily.

We met Mary just a couple months after I moved back to Utah in 1999.

We spent the summer always in contact and around each other. We bonded even more over the next couple years. Life was great with such good friends.

Niel, Zach's step brother, moved back to Utah in 1999 as well. And he was great.  We spent time hanging out when Zach moved out and was harder to hang out with given his work schedule. Niel was out of work in the fall of 2001 and when I started talking to an Army recruiter I told Niel I would send a recruiter his way if he was too busy playing video games to look for work. I had jobs, lots of them, but I thought the Army would be good for both of us.  I just told Niel to, under no circumstances, never 1) sign up for the Infantry and 2) sign up for overseas duty.  Niel did both and we went into the Army.

That was in the beginning of 2002 I did go with him because I was under weight.  Something Zach and his family shamed me for because the consensus was that I was too weak to be accepted by the Army and that Niel would fight in the wars we knew were going to happen. I went into the Army and made it through basic training on my first attempt.  But that did little to calm the storm.

And in the fall of 2002 I attempted suicide.  I had been beaten down and belittled for so long by so many close to me that I had no sense of worth, my field of honor was non existent. And the treatment I received in the Army didn't exactly help my self worth.

I felt like I had failed at everything in my entire life and especially everything I cared about, my friends and their families, my family, my superiors and my fellow soldiers. I felt like the only way to end my series of failures was to end my life.

It was more than me feeling hated by those I loved and cherished it was that I hated myself.

So I bought four bottles of over the counter sleeping pills and a 5th of spiced rum, quite tasty, at the same time from a convenience store and went to mu hotel room and took them all and washed them down with the booze. And sat on the bed watching T.V. and waited to die.

I thought about how badly I had failed at life, I thought about how much I hated my life and myself.

Then I had what may be best described as a near death experience.  Which I wrote about here. It gave me lasting peace. I woke up in the hospital in the ICU.  My superiors met with me and told me that many of the guys I served with wanted to see me. I said no. I didn't want to see anybody, I wanted to try and get past it like it didn't happen.  I couldn't deal with how bad I had gotten. That left a mark on my relationship with many of them. I was able to work that out because I had served with them, they knew me and to most of them I was still one of them.

 But what I got back from Niel, Zach, and their family after I was told I would be chaptered out of the Army and not go to Iraq like Niel.  He was sent twice. An ever since then I took a landslide worth of crap from Zach, Niel, their family and Mary.

They never came right out and said "You're a failure!"  What Mary once said was "Yeah so do you ever wonder about someone who attempts suicide because they can't do anything right wakes up in the hospital and thinks 'well, I guess I can't do anything right?'"

Whenever I referred to myself as a veteran Zach and Mary would remind me that my service didn't count. I never fought in the wars Niel or others did. I wasn't a real soldier like Niel. Because of that I stopped saying I was a vet or a soldier, I simply would say "I was in the Army"  But even then I was reminded I wasn't in very long.  I stopped thinking abut almost as if it never happened because nothing but shame came from talking about it in front of my "friends."

I wasn't just put down constantly, I was shamed for my suicide attempt constantly.

I wrote a book and paid Zach's wife to edit it. They both seemed supportive of my writing even if they thought the book was bad.  But Mary gave me a "present" in the form of a book by Mikhail Bulgakov who also wrote The Master And Margarita. He was an amazing writer but the book was called Black Snow.  It was about a man who failed at his suicide attempt and then writes a farce of a book. He fails at life, fails at suicide and then fails a writing a book. She didn't outright say this is what she and Zach and Niel thought of me but that's exactly what she was doing.

And then later I was in a tumultuous relationship that culminated in a train wreck ending. And then I changed my number but the woman later called that number and then started getting really offensive and sick texts so she called a mutual friend and I told them, and later Mary, that "I had done my best to avoid the drama and had remove myself from the situation...so yeah. That's all I got."

Zach called me the next day and ended every sentance with "so yeah" during the entire phone call. He wanted to remind me of what I said to throw it back at me.

Because he and Mary were never direct and it made me think I was crazy which is in clinical terms referred to gas lighting, which means you make someone think they are crazy, that it's just them when it's not. It made me feel shamed at the same time.  Like I said it wasn't all shaming much of it was just bullying, condescending, belittling and many things but shaming was a big part of what they were doing. With these remarks these "gifts" they were letting me know that I was not one of them and that maybe I never really was.

When I was diagnosed in 2005 as BiPolar before being diagnosed as Schizo-affective disorder (BiPolar and Schizophrenia at the same time.) I was full blown phsycotic.  I left many messages on Zach's phone.  What did he do? Played the messages for his wife and sister and laughed and made jokes then told me about it.  He then made jokes over and over while he knew I was crazy and needed treatment and he never made any sort of attempt to get me that help.  As I would have done for him and anyone I considered to be my friend.

By contrast my friend Keith who I also met in 1999, joined the Army in 2006 and we have continued to talk through his two deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan has never once made me feel like less of a person or less of a soldier over my suicide attempt.  He has never judged the quality of my service because he judges me favorably, or righteously as scripture says. He is not Mormon and holds a poor view of Joseph Smith and has given me crap but never to degrade me.  He has always been respectful even if he doesn't like my choices or beliefs. He still holds me in high esteem despite everything.  He is a true friend even if we are of different tribes.

In 2014 Mary was reported to DCFS.  I knew she was guilty but I was not the one who reported her.  Zach and Mary refused to believe me and railed on me in phone call after phone call.  And them refusing to take my word, refusing to recognize my sense of honor was the last straw. I blocked them on facebook and refuse to ever call or visit them.  I don't need malignant and negative "friends" in my life anymore.

I met my wife in 2010 in the fall.  I, because of Zach and Mary, had a very self deprecating sense of humor which my wife didn't like.  She has told me, and many of my in-laws have said I am a god writer, some have said I'm a great writer. My wife has had to show me my positive traits, she praises what Zach and Mary belittled. And after a few years I have become better, I have grown in ways I never would had I not removed Zach and Mary from my life. I have become who I was meant to be and who I never could be with Zach and Mary in my life.  My wife took me to a Veterans Day concert up at the U of U and when they play the song of your branch of service you are asked to stand.  I only stood because my wife pushed me to.  I didn't feel like a veteran.  I didn't feel worthy. My wife takes me every year and now I finally feel worthy, or at least more so than ever before. My wife has shown me how to rebuild my field of honor and how to defend it long before I came across Dr.Martinez. And now I am blooming in my field.

Jesus gave me peace in my near death experience but my wife helped me get closer to Him than I would have on my own. He has been as crucial in healing my pain from being shamed as much or more so than my wife.

I've gone over shame, what it is and how to free ourselves from it.  And I have been freed of it thanks largely to my wife, Kieth and others. But I hope most of all that what I have shared here has helped some of you.

Judge Not, Condemn Not

Einstein was a patent clerk. Lincoln was a small town lawyer. Plato, Socrates and Shakespeare were teachers. Jesus was a carpenter. To judge a persons wisdom, intellect and worth based on their occupation falls short of accurately assessing their worth and potential to the point of being wildly offensive.
And if the occupations of these men were no indicator of their greatness then how is your occupation any measure of yours?

If cable news had been around in Lincoln's time they would have sought the opinions of senators and congress men about what was best for America but they never would have sought the opinion of a small town lawyer as a small town lawyer would not have had the expertise on what government should do or how to do it. But Lincoln had much more potential that his occupation would have revealed.
If the press in Einsteins time had to look for the man who would revolutionize the world of physics they would have searched universities. They would never have thought to check in on a patent clearly as he day dreamed his day away on the scientific papers that would change the work in the first few years of the 20th century. Einstein had no credibility until he published those papers. And then his occupation no longer mattered.
Before Shakespeare was a playwright he was a teacher. He had plenty of critics whose names are forgotten to all but scholars. But he was not taken seriously as a genius until after his death. He enjoyed popularity in his time but few recognized his genius during his life.
He was the most human human who ever lived I would say. His insight into the human condition isn't just riveting it's deeper than Sigmund Freud's. At least to me. But Shakespeare came from a small town and had an average education. And because of this the great knowledge displayed in his plays have lead many to say he never wrote any of them! He was underestimated his whole life and still is by a large section of people.
Genius just needs a chance, an opportunity to shine and it most definitely will. Never underestimate what genius can accomplish. Even from the most unlikely of people from the most unlikely of backgrounds.
Carl Sagan said this about books;

"A book is made from a tree. It is an assemblage of flat, flexible parts (still called "leaves") imprinted with dark pigmented squiggles. One glance at it and you hear the voice of another person, perhaps someone dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, the author is speaking, clearly and silently, inside your head, directly to you. Writing is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people, citizens of distant epochs, who never knew one another. Books break the shackles of time ― proof that humans can work magic."

Each of the men I have mentioned live on in their own words and in those written by others. They didn't just leave an imprint in history, they are still changing it.

Jesus is the best example of this. He worked as a carpenter until He turned 30 and then He began His ministry by calling fishermen, zealots, tax collectors and others to His ministry to help Him spread His word. These disciples were not part of the religious elite; the Sanhedrin and the Pharisees.

Jesus and His disciples were outcasts because they were not part of the elite. But so were the majority of His people. Jesus ministered to the outcasts, the lepers, thrives, tax collectors, zealots and sinners of every stripe. Even some Romans sought Him out.

If there were cable news outlets in His time Christ would have been bashed for not being a Biblical scholar as were the Pharisees. He knew scripture better than most but since He had no earthly title He would not have been taken seriously. He was a carpenter from Galilee. And after all what good can come from Galilee?

Because He was no earthly ruler or king or magistrate or scholar He was not taken seriously until He was deemed a threat to their power because He had the support of the people. Because Jesus brought His ministry to the poor, the lepers, the ordinary every day outcasts they grew to love and support Him despite His lack of "qualifications."

So if it sounds silly to judge these men by their qualifications then why do we judge each other in the same way? When we meet someone new we ask their name and the question that follows is "what do you do?(for a living)" To me that question tells us about as much about a person as it does to judge them by what they drive or to introduce ourselves as Mr.Toyota or Mr.Buick. It in no way speaks to our worth, our potential, our wisdom, our intellect or any other trait which does speak to who we are and what we can become.

When we judge on appearance, we see only the tip of the ice berg.

Jesus taught this about judging based on appearance; "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment." John 7:24

Righteous judgment means to give the benefit of the doubt. Or in other words to judge favorably, with the scales weighted towards kindness and compassion rather than guilt and contempt.

Here I provide the Hebrew text along with the translation which indicates what Jesus likely meant by righteous judgment.

יהושע בן פרחיה אומר עשה לך רב וקנה לך חבר והוי דן את כל האדם לכף זכות

Translation:

Joshua ben Perahia would say: Make for yourself a Rav (teacher), and acquire for yourself a colleague, and give all individuals the benefit of the doubt. [Translation by CAJE]

Dreams only flourish when nourished. We ought to give others the benefit of the doubt long enough for them to show us who they really are before we condemn them based on what they wear, what they drive or what they don't, how their hair is cut and so on.

We are taught to judge righteously by giving the benefit of the doubt and to not be superficial. We are taught to condemn not. Because with how harsh we judge or condemn we will be judged by that same standard by God. 

Judge wisely.

As Bob Marley said "Before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean."

Christlike Grace

I watched a video about a simple thing city workers had done that brought a man to tears. Here is the link http://youtu.be/NL7oLNoGsQg
We can sometimes move heaven and earth for others but sometimes the simplest of gestures can mean the world.
Grand gestures can be hard for some to accept. But simple gestures can so often mean the world. Because with simple gestures they require us to know or pay attention to others. And show we care.
And that is why they mean so much to those who receive them. 
A woman washed Jesus' feet while he are with a Pharisee. And while this may seem like an odd or simple gesture Jesus used it as a teachable moment.
 He pointed out that this woman kissed His feet while the Pharisee never gave Jesus any kiss or affectionate gesture. He pointed out her devotion. Devotion which the Pharisee never showed Christ.
The last act Jesus gave to His disciples was to gird Himself as a servant and then wash His disciples feet. Jesus essentially wore the uniform of a servant and graciously served them. Because He was our servant King. Only one who serves is fit to lead.
That old man who talks to his dead wife at the park bench thought that no one noticed him. But the city workers did. They took time out of their day to serve him. That showed the old man that he was noticed, that he was cared for.
Paying attention to others shows them we care, shows them we notice them, and that they are important to us. Sometimes the simplest of gestures can have the biggest impact.
For my wife's engagement/wedding ring I went to a custom jewelry store. I designed a ring and picked the stone, made it heart shaped out of amethyst which my wife asked for. The ring swoops up on one side and down on the other with the stone in the middle holding the ring together.
I listened to my wife and by showing her she felt loved. She says she felt broken by a hard life and that the ring looked as broken but the stone like our love brought the pieces back together. It connected the two pieces.
That's the story she told me about how she feels about the ring. So while I thought she liked it, she loved it so much she put a story to it. An inexpensive ring meant more than what I did or did not spend because I listened to her and got creative.
Sometimes the little things have the biggest impact.
Jesus never wrote a literary epic like Homer, He never painted a masterpiece, He never held a public office, He was never an earthly King. 
Jesus was a preacher from a place that no one thought any good could come from. He did great things that were written about but I'm sure there were plenty of simple gestures that made an infinite impact.
He didn't do it all in a day. He did it one leper, one adulteress and one person at a time. And because of that He made what may have been the biggest impact in history. He may have made the biggest impact on humanity.
And we can too. Gandhi said that whatever we do may be insignificant but it is essential that we do it. Because it's the simple things that make the biggest difference and that's what always has.