A.D. Sams's Blog, page 4

Duchess of the Time Suck: You’re Welcome.

This is where I spew truthiness at you. I have zero inspiration for blogging this week. That being said, I shall now share with you the vile culprits of time suckage that have been distracting me as of late.

Prime Suspect: Facebook. That asshole.

Suspect A: Dog-shaming. I mean, really. Dog owners take a photo of their dog with a hand written sign of their offense. Then they post it online for my viewing pleasure.  Yes, I said mine. It reminds me every day that I need to grab a notebook, a Sharpie, and my camera and document the transgressions of my fur horde. Hell, I might even do it to Kory. Sorry, honey. (No, I’m not.)

Suspect B: Twaggies. This site is made for people who enjoy tweets, but really wish they came with pictures. Basically, you find a clever tweet then you illustrate it. Of course, every one I’ve seen seems to be by a professional. I want to see some poorly drawn visuals so I can start a website to make fun of them.

Suspect C: Jenna Marbles, I LOVE you. Seriously. You’re weird and funny and real and you don’t stop yourself from saying exactly what you think. I adore delightfully awkward people. She cracks me up in a way that I’m laughing loudly even when I’m by myself. (Admit it, people. How often do you watch funny things when you’re alone and actually laugh out loud?) Anywho, I feel it important to implore more guys to watch these videos. She’ll let you know how sports bras work.

Suspect D: Bad Lip Reading. These folks take snippets of, well, anything and put a new track of dialogue (or song) to what it LOOKS like the people are saying. The most recent one that had me doubled over is the More Mitt Romney video.  I’d love a transcript of that one printed on a t-shirt. Give that bitch a t-shirt, bitches love t-shirts.

Suspect E: Pinterest. I don’t think I need to expand on that one. If you’d like to join me, find me HERE.

OOH! And I think I see someone familiar on THIS PAGE! (For the slow readers, it’s me. I’m on there. WEEEE!)

 

The Folklore in the Water

I once worked with a beautiful girl from Africa. She was long and thin with a round face and happy eyes. Her voice was thick and it was easy to imagine her tongue as a ripened fruit. One day, she spoke to me about her home. I like the way she moved her hands and filled the story with folklore instead of concrete.

Her village, she explained, sat between two rivers. The river on the left and the river on the right where the waters ran in opposite directions. If you swam in the river on the left, you would surely drown. The waters would swallow you down and take you away. I knew this to be touched with truth because her eyes widened brightly. If you swam in the river on the right, you would never drown because it would spit you out.

Before you, dear reader, become fond of the river on the right, I must also explain to you what she said next.

Fish from the river on the right was poisonous and would kill you with one bite. Fish from the left river, the drowning river, was safe to eat and could feed your family.

Her hands, with their long fingers, flashed through the air in a little dance. I watched her talk as the details I’d later wish I’d remembered tumbled out of my ear and off of my shoulder. I decided that I needed a story and the story needed water.

When I was little, there was a tiny pond in the woods. I always wanted to make my way there, but I was too afraid for I was little and the bushes were thick and tall. Creatures that walked and writhed watched over it and they were not fond of visitors. It was a good place for a story, I decided.

It is said, mostly by me…only by me, that when you visit this pond and walk clockwise around the edge, life will go on as usual. If you, however, dare to walk counter-clockwise around the edge of the pond, the trees will bear blue fruit in the wrong season. If you eat of the fruit when the frogs are singing, dreams will visit you and give you a new name with sounds you can never pronounce. From then on, the pond will welcome you with tadpoles and cattails that dance in the breeze. (If you make a pie with the fruit, you get pie. Pie is tasty, dear reader. Indeed.)

What is your bit of folklore? Where is your water?