April Aasheim's Blog, page 5

21 Full Length Paranormal Books for 2.99 or Less!

New Book Bundle Deal!

21 Full Length Paranormal Stories (all romance or with romantic elements) for pre-order in Happily Ever Alpha! (all by best selling authors)

This set includes my book The Witches of Dark Root .
Pre-order today for yourself or a friend.

Froggy Style

I had the most disturbing conversation with my husband last night, after a few glasses of wine.We were talking about the alleged breakup of Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog.Now, I never knew they formally dated. I saw the sexual tension between the two of them, but maybe I missed the whole real courtship.
I asked my  husband about it, in case he could direct me to the proper sources.
His response was a furrowed brow and a Hmmm.
"What?" I asked.
"How do you think they do it?"
"What do you mean?"
"Logistics wise," he said.
"I don't know."
"Froggy style?"
"What the hell?"
"You know, like doggy but with their legs splayed out."
"Now that's just sick. And ack! I can't get the image out of my head."
He smiles at me. "Sorry about that." He pauses a moment, takes another sip of his wine, and then continues. "Do you think he just flops around. Like you know how his arms go all jiggly?"
"Please stop."
"No, seriously."
I couldn't dislodge the image of Kermit flopping around on Miss Piggy from my head. I tried reverse it by having her be the one on top. That wasn't any better.
"I hate you," I said.
"Why?"
"Because you ruined my childhood. It was okay for me to picture them kissing, but this...this..." I swallowed the last of my drink. "I can never go back to the Shire now, you know that, right?"
"You're welcome. Now how about some green eggs and ham?"

Hi Honey, I'm Home.

My husband's home today, which for me means little or no works getting done.
He's sick, but he's not one to stay in bed. Instead, he's bouncing between TVs, taking work emails, sending voice texts, and commenting on the news.
All day.
I used to think I'd look forward to the time he retires and we can both be 'stay at home writers' but I'm pretty sure we'd end up killing each other if that happened, unless we got a MUCH bigger house.
Still, its nice to have him around, even if I dont get much done myself.
Ive come to realize every day spent with someone you love is precious, even if they do want to make you gnaw off your own arm.

Panty Domes

I think we should start building domes over countries made out of panties.

Seriously, they seem to be constructed of this magical, impenetrable material that we should harness for national security.

My husband came into the room the other night and saw me under the blankets, with a book in my hand. "You naked?" he asked, a smile creeping on his face.

"Nope. Got panties on."

The smile instantly vanished, replaced by a Snidely Whiplash, "Drats, Foiled again!" look. He then went to the lamp, turned it off, and went to sleep.

Who knew panties had that kind of power? Like, he didn't even want to mess with them. "You're wearing panties? Too much for me. I'm out!"

Panties must be bad ass, like kryptonite.

No wonder men get excited when they see them in lingerie stores. It means one less pair is on an actual woman!

In light of this revelation, I might have to rethink my panty distribution and the effects they have on my safety. I can still wear 1 pair in the suburbs but when I go into Downtown Portland I might double up. And to be safe, when I'm traveling to places like LA or Vegas, I should probably wear 4 pairs.

So back to my original point. We should build domes over countries (or even cities) made of nothing but panty material. Once rival nations catch wind of this they won't even bother trying to send their armies.

They'll just climb into bed and turn out the lights.

New Books on the Horizon

I have TWO new releases coming out in November.

The first book is called The Good Girl's Guide to Being a Demon . It's about small-town girl, Cassie Martin, who suddenly finds herself in the precarious position of growing horns. After receiving a book from her long-dead mother regarding the incident, Cassie journeys home and meets up with childhood friend (and crush) Josh Tucker, who is studying to be a youth minister. Mayhem ensues.

This is part of the woodland creek series and features 30 authors writing in the same world, all with guaranteed happily ever after romantic endings. And of course, mine is probably the odd woman's out ;)

The release day is Nov 15 and is available for preorder HERE.

The second book will be available right after Thanksgiving and is called: A Dark Root Christmas-Merry's Gift. Its set in my Dark Root world and is the story of 10-year-old Merry who befriends a mysterious owl while trying to put some holiday spirit back in her family's lives. Its sweet and slightly different than my other books, but its a fun nostalgic walk back through Dark Root. Pre-order info coming soon.

And I know I have MANY readers waiting for Curse Part 2. I assure you I'm working on it. Its a big undertaking since it will be the set up for future books and I want to make sure to get it right (and give you all a great reading experience). Look for it in Spring, 2016!
Cheers!

The Many Mes o Me

I was watching a movie the other night. One of the main characters was a woman. who went on a killing spree after being repeatedly sexualized by men. There were so many reactions I had to this:

Pragmatic Me: If she doesn't want to be hit on constantly, why is she wearing lingerie out to clubs?
Feminist Me: She should be allowed to wear whatever she likes. We have to teach men not to objectify women, no matter what they wear.
Anthropological Me: Seriously? You think we can just train men not to sexualize women when they see bare breasts and butts? This is millions of  years of biology at work here. Even if they're nice guys, their gonna notice, even if they don't react.
Neurotic Me: Would someone sexualize me if I was wearing that outfit? I went to the supermarket the other day in a skirt that hardly reached my knees and nothing. Not a second glance from even the produce man. What am I saying? I wouldn't want men to harass me like that. I deserve to walk around in whatever I want, and not be sexualized. Still...it might be nice to be noticed.
Sad Me: I'm too chubby right now to wear lingerie out to clubs anyway. My thighs would be jiggling and my back fat would be all bunched up.
Feminist Me: You are a person, more than just the sum of your body parts. Get over it. You don't owe it to anyone to be pretty or sexy. Focus on your mind.
Pragmatic Me: Shut up, all of you! I paid 3.50 to rent this movie and I missed most of it because of your arguing.
Neurotic Me: 3.50? God. I hope I used the right debit card for this. I'm overdrawn at one of my banks.
Pragmatic Me: This is why we can't have nice things.

Grateful for the Message

I'm not Catholic. But I'm spiritual. I've spent time dabbling in a lot of major religions, and several minor ones as well. What I've come to understand is that many of them say the same thing. In the words of Bill and Ted: Be excellent to each other.

So today I saw the Pope on CNN addressing a bipartisan Congress and I was moved to tears. His message was simple. Care for one another. Don't forget the vulnerable. Work towards bettering the future.

But most of all I was struck by the way everyone listened to him. Such a simple message and all ears and eyes were on him.

It really changed the nature of my day. For once I didn't walk around thinking 'if only I had this' or 'if only I could do that.' All I could think about today was gratitude.

The simplest messages are sometimes the best. And I'm very happy that I got to hear this one.

Prologue: The Good Girl's Guide to Being a Demon

This is the prologue for : The Good Girl's Guide to Being a Demon which comes out in early November, 2015. It's set in a fictional town called Woodland Creek. I'm collaborating with 29 other authors who are all writing paranormal fantasies in this world. Here's the site: http://woodlandcreekseries.com/

Anyways...

Prologue
   The river churned, black and thick as tar under the cloak of dusk. A few stars dotted the sky and Cassie Martin looked for Polaris, the one that was supposed to point her back home.    Was it at the end of the Little Dipper or the big one? She couldn’t remember as she wound her way along the river, listening to the chilling night sounds surrounding her. She smelled the smoke and heard the popping sounds of roaring campfires, and more than once she wanted to run to one of them - to tell whoever was tending to s’mores that she was lost and afraid, and could they please escort her back to her cabin? But fear kept her along the river. She had secretly watched enough scary movies to know that the woods were full of bad things - bears and werewolves and crazy people, and as long as she stayed to the river, she would find her way back and be okay.

   She shouldn’t have been so stupid, she told herself. She knew there was no such thing as a Snipe, but she went along with the hunt because her brother and her best friend Jenn had teased her about being afraid of everything.   “I am not,” she said, fists balled up.    “Then prove it,” Jenn returned. “Come with me and we’ll find a Snipe. We’ll show these boys that girls are better.”   “Yeah, show us you’re better,” Kevin echoed.    Only Kevin’s friend Josh seemed worried, elbowing him in the ribs. “They’re only nine,” Josh reminded him.   “So? At nine we were sneaking beer out of dad’s cooler. These girls need to man up. We can’t be around to take care of them forever.”

   “We don’t need you anyway,” Cassie said, looping her arm through Jen’s. “Where was that snipe? We’ll find it and bring it back and then I want you to admit that girls are better than boys.”   “If you bring us a Snipe, I promise I’ll admit that girls are better than boys.” Kevin spit into his hand. Cassie spit on hers too, and the siblings shook on it.   The problem was that Jenn had disappeared a few minutes after they had folded into the woods. She said she had to pee behind a tree and had never come out. Now Cassie was alone and disoriented. She remembered that the creek ran behind the cabins, and if she could just follow the creek…   But the stream was swollen this year. “Almost double the normal rain,” her father said. It didn’t trickle - it gushed. And when the sun had disappeared, it looked like a winding sinister serpent, crawling along beside her, ready to eat her up.   Still, it was better than the woods.    “Kevin!” she called out. “Jen! Josh?” Her words were met with a low howling sound, followed by utter silence.   Josh had told her that if she was ever lost, she should find a place and wait that someone would come for her. She spotted a stump near a fork in the river and sat down, looking up at the full summer moon, counting the fireflies that buzzed around her. It would have been beautiful if she weren’t so scared.   “One Mississippi,” she counted slow to take her mind off her fear. “Two Mississippi.”   She heard another howling sound, this one closer. It was quickly followed by another, and then a whole pack of yelps and whines echoed through the trees.   Dad would come. He always came. He’d realize that she was missing and then he’d round everyone up to find her, and Jenn as well.   The howling sounds grew closer and Cassie shivered, wrapping her arms around her chest to shield herself from the night. But when she heard several twigs break just feet away, she knew she wasn’t safe. She bolted from her spot and raced along the river’s edge, watching it churn towards its unseen destination. But the clearing ended and the woods deepened. She spun around, uncertain where to go.   And then she saw them. Not her family, nor the wild dogs whose cries filled the night.    The Shadow People.    They fell from the trees, slithering down the branches and marched towards her.    They were more terrible than wild animals or werewolves or even crazy people.

   Cassie turned and charged in the opposite direction, screaming as she went.    But her foot hit a sleek stone and she slipped, falling backwards into the raging water.    She went under but managed to grab a branch extending out from the bank, holding on to it for dear life while her feet pulled her downstream. She couldn’t hold long. At any second she would lose her grip and drift away.    “Help!” she called, knowing her words were lost to the night. Above her the North Star shone. “Mom, if you can hear me,” she whimpered in desperation. “Please save me.”

   A figure emerged from the woods. A boy, not much taller than herself.    “Help!” she called again, choking back icy water. The comic book she’d been reading tore out of her sweater pocket and disappeared.    “Cassie!” It was Josh. He charged right for her, grabbing her hand just as she lost her grip on the branch.   He stooped down and pulled her from the river’s maw, then removed his flannel jacket and wrapped it around her shivering body. She hugged him, nearly crying as she rubbed her nose into his chest.

   “I love you, Josh,” she whispered.    Suddenly, her father, brother and Jenn appeared, all racing towards them.   “Thank God you’re alright,” her father said, scooping her up in his arms. “You can’t go traipsing off by yourself like that, young lady. You’ve got to learn to be careful. Promise me.”   Behind him, her brother Kevin’s eyes were imploring. If she told about the Snipe hunt, he’d be in big trouble. She nodded. “I promise.”   Her father carried her back to the cabin but it was Josh she watched. He tromped behind them, his eyes as wide as the moon’s.    He had always been her brother’s best friend, but that night he became more.    He became her hero.
 

New Covers for Dark Root

So, Maggie Maddock is getting a makeover. She'll be sparkly and more witchy.

I love the designer and I can't wait to see what she comes up with. Sneak preview of Witches (book 1)

My husband is putting together a new cabinet today. I ask...

My husband is putting together a new cabinet today. I asked him, concerning the noise level, if there will there be hammering or just a bunch of cursing.

His answer: If we're lucky, both.