Pamela Sinha Mathur's Blog, page 6

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

Remember when we were kids and someone asked us what we wanted to become when we were grown up? I bet each of us had a pretty fantastic list of future careers when we were kids. I think I had dreamt of being a railway engine once! And I always used to tell my parents that when I grew up I would buy them red shoes, red clothes, a red house, a red car and lots of other red stuff. Why red? God (and probably my long-lost kid self) only knows. Never did I think of sitting at a desk for twelve hours, looking at a LCD screen, as a future career. Of course, to be honest, when we were growing up, a software engineer’s job was pretty much out of our vocabulary. But that’s besides the point. What I want to say is that when we were kids we never envisaged a dull future for ourselves. Our dreams jobs were exciting, inspired by the heroes and heroines of our childhood. How I wanted to climb an Enchanted Tree or solve mysteries like the Famous Five or even Nancy Drew!

Today I am a software engineer along with a million others. I am a part of a crowd so huge that it is only too easy to lose myself. We crib about our work, our salary, our working hours day in and day out. yet, whether out of choice or out of necessity, we work long hours, 5 (sometimes even 6 or 7) days a week and look forward to the weekend like a small kid awaits Christmas Day. Life is scheduled around Excel sheets and conference calls. A friend is having a party on Friday evening? Hmm, the conference call will get over by 8.30 pm so should be able to drop in by 10.30 pm. The doctor can see me only on Tuesday afternoon? Damn it, will need to find someone to cover for me and send out the status sheet that day. Even chatting with your significant other is fraught with complications. If you call up and s/he doesn’t pick up the call or simply disconnects, it means s/he is busy with something. And we go on like this, day after day, month after month, year after year.

So what happens to those exciting childhood dreams and ambitions? Do they get locked up in a dark recess of our mind and one day the key becomes so rusted that it cannot open the lock ever again? Or do these dreams revisit us at times, reminding us of those carefree days when a dream job was not influenced by factors like salary and inflation? And what is our reaction when our dreams do revisit us? I know what I do. I put on my rose-tinted glasses, look upon the past with a fond smile and then, with a sigh, take off the glasses again. And I know it’s not only me; most people do the same. But once in a while a dream comes along which does not seem childish any more, a dream which tantalizes from behind the shadows, urging us to step out of the sunlight and explore in the dark once more. So what do you do then? Do you close your eyes and take a leap of faith, much like you would have done in your childhood had the opportunity presented itself to you back then? Or do you choose to stick to the well-travelled path where failure can be virtually eliminated by way of experience?

We become adults (but very often, not grown-ups) and we study engineering, medicine, accountancy or something else. Some of us are brave enough to take up their dream jobs rather that opting for a job that fulfils their dreams. I did not belong to the second category. But now I want to pursue my dreams. Now I want to be a writer when I grow up. And what do you want to be?

Working Mothers

How can someone send their child to a daycare?

Isn’t it the mother’s responsibility to take care of a child?

It’s better for a mother to quit her job and take care of her children full-time.

Whether or not they admit it, many people in India tend to think this way. A career woman is perfectly acceptable until she has a baby. Once the maternity leave nears to an end and the new mother prepares to go back to her job, many well-meaning relatives, in some cases even her husband and in-laws, start hinting that maybe it would be better if she quit. Many women do opt to become a full-time mother voluntarily and I salute their spirit. What irks me is that why women who decide to balance both family and career are so often decried as irresponsible by society.

For a woman, to leave her small baby at a daycare or at home in the care of an ayah is no easy task. After all she is the one who has carried and nurtured her baby inside her for nine months. She is the one who has withstood pain and discomfort only by looking forward to the day when she would be holding her baby in her arms. A mother’s bond with her baby begins long before the baby is born; it begins the day a woman learns that she is pregnant. From that day onwards her life revolves round keeping her baby safe and healthy. She faces cramps, morning sickness, swollen fingers and everything else with a glow on her face. And when her baby arrives after putting her through excruciating labor pains, she breaks down and cries in happiness as her bundle of joy is placed in her arms.

Then why do some mothers opt to go back to their careers? Because being a mother doesn’t mean you stop being a human being. Like men, women too have some dreams, some ambitions. Some women want to be stay at home moms; some dream of being a successful working professional. Many women belonging to the second category prefer to go in for an extended maternity leave or even a sabbatical and then resume work after a year or two. Then why are they still deemed callous and irresponsible?

All the people who feel that a woman should quit her job on becoming a mother should try this out. Cast your mind back and try to remember the number of hours you spent with your mother in your growing up years. When you started college, did the count increase or decrease? What about the number of times you took your girlfriend / boyfriend / spouse to a movie vis-a-vis the number of times you accompanied your mother to a movie?

What does a mother do all day when her children are away at school all day? Who does she turn to when her kids go out with their friends after college? Some women have their ways of amusing themselves; some remain lonely and depressed. It is called an empty nest syndrome and it is a reality that many mothers, having grown up children who have moved out of home in pursuit of studies or a career, still grapple with. It is human nature to spread our wings and go on our own way as we grow up. So why a woman should be expected to clip her wings when she becomes a mother?

I agree that there is no substitute for a mother’s love in a child’s life. But does having a working mother imply that this love is no longer available to the child? From my own experience I beg to differ. I have a working mother with a demanding job that she is really good at. Today when I look back I can’t remember a single instance when I needed her and she was not there for me. She wasn’t there to serve me lunch when I got back from school but she was always there to listen to me chattering on about school at the dinner table. She wasn’t outside the school gate every day to pick me up but she was always there waiting anxiously as I finished writing my exam papers. She left early in the morning for work but that did not stop her from sitting up with me as I studied late into the night. Even when I was in college, after getting back home we two would sit with a cup of coffee each and chat about our respective day. In spite of having to juggle both work and family she was, and is, not only my mother but my best friend.

Of course, a working woman needs support from her family to be able to balance both family and career. My father made sure that he played an important role in the upbringing of me and my brother. We have stayed in daycare or under the supervision of ayahs but never for a moment did we feel neglected by either of our parents. I am sure it is a difficult thing to achieve but it is surely not impossible.

How many men, who would like their wives to become full-time moms, would do the same themselves? How many of them will consider quitting their jobs or even working from home to take care of their kids? If a woman wants to continue working post motherhood, don’t discourage her. With the support of her husband and extended family, she can successfully juggle a congenial family life and a rewarding career. Adjustments are required to maintain any relationship but when that adjustment becomes a compromise that is when the relationship starts becoming unhealthy. So it’s better to help a woman adjust into the role of a mother instead of just asking her to compromise her dreams because of it.

Satyamev Jayate

Ever since its debut on the small screen last Sunday, Aamir Khan’s show “Satyamev Jayate” has been generating a lot of buzz. Accolades and criticism is pouring in equally for this show which promises to bring the social evils plaguing our country into the glare of public scrutiny. The first episode spoke of female foeticide, an ugly practice that has contributed to the highly skewed sex ratio of our country. AK, as the host of the show, spoke to three women who have suffered abuse, and in one case, had her face gnawed and bitten by her husband, for the so-called crime of having borne girl children. One of these women is a doctor herself and married to family of doctors and academicians. Hearing their spine chilling tales of horror, one can scarcely imagine that we belong to a land where some of the most revered and prayed to deities are female. There are also conversations with journalists who tried to expose such malpractices and researchers who have studied this ugly phenomena and are aware of the even more terrifying fallout of a skewed sex ratio. The episode also commended the efforts of an official whose untiring efforts led to the gender ratio improving in a small Indian village.

Question is, can such a show actually improve anything? Many are criticising AK for trying to be the next Oprah and are highlighting the fact that he has charged a hefty sum for this show. Maybe he should have done it for free. Maybe not. But does that really matter? Celebrities have made forays onto the small screen earlier as well – Salman, Sharukh, Amitabh, Madhuri, Karan Johar and many others – and they have also charged through the nose. One might argue that AK is at least trying to change the society instead of just hosting some game show. Again a valid argument. There is always the risk that AK’s personality and presence overshadows the issue at hand but judging from the first episode that may not be a big problem. So how do all these things answer the question at the beginning of this paragraph.

My answer will be is that they don’t. The change that this show can bring about is not to be effected by the sum AK charges or the tears that he sheds during the show. It can come about due to us, the viewers. The show airs at 11 am on Sunday mornings. Do we realise the significance of that? Sunday morning is that one day and time of the week that one can reasonably expect families to be sitting around the TV together. By airing this show at that slot, there is a very good chance that the topics get discussed around the lunch table or in the party or get together in the evening. And that’s how the change can come about. Through our own heightened awareness about what is right and what is wrong. Our willingness and enthusiasm in spreading this awareness and in translating this awareness into actual practice. Change can never take place if we keep ignoring reality just because it is not ‘our’ reality.

One probable solution for female foeticide lies in women empowerment. If you know your maid is not sending her daughter to school and is instead making her work somewhere, try to convince her not to do so. If possible help out a bit by way of contributing to the fees or even by offering to help the kid with her studies. If you hear your neighbors or friends demeaning a girl, remonstrate with them. Encourage the women in your life, be it your mother, your sister, your wife or your daughter, to spread their wings. If you are a woman, start respecting yourself first. Much of these practices have their roots in a social conditioning that teaches women to suppress themselves. This can never lead to a healthy society. Men and women are the essential cogs of the wheel of life. Without one, the other can never succeed.

Old friends

Some books become old friends, the ones whom we don’t get to meet up with much but who would be the first ones on the spot when you need a shoulder to cry on. Likewise, these books lie in some darkened corner of the bookshelf, gathering dust over the years as newer titles in colorful covers make their appearance there. But one day while dusting you would take down the much thumbed copy of your favorite book and as you leaf through those yellowed pages you would glimpse little friendly waves, rekindling that cherished friendship all over again.

After my marriage last year I moved to Pune and most of my book collection remained behind at my parents’ home in Mumbai. In every visit I would cram 3-4 of these in my bag to carry back to Pune, blatantly ignoring my husband’s question about where we would store these. In my last visit I happened to pull out my copy of “Born Free” by Joy Adamson. It is a beautiful hard cover edition with superb illustrations of the lioness Elsa and her human adoptive parents and extended family. This book had been a companion of my childhood and had contributed immensely to my fascination and love for the animal kingdom. The pages, once stiff and crisp, now lay yellowed and the binding had cracked at places. But I believe a book is judged by its cover. If it looks brand new even after having spent years on someone’s bookshelf, ten to one it’s never been read. But if the cover is rundown it just speaks about the hours it has spent in the hands of someone poring over the book. I quickly packed the book in my bag, deciding it to restore it in its place of honor on my bookshelf. For once my husband made no protest for he had spent some time rifling through the pages of the book and was quite looking forward to peruse the story of Elsa at leisure.

Chaler payesh (Rice kheer) recipe

Ingredients:

1 cup basmati rice
1-1.5 cups sugar depending on sweetness
1 litre milk (full cream)
1.5 – 2 tbsp elaichi (cardamom) powdered
Dry fruits like cashews, raisins and almond

Method:

Wash the rice and keep it soaked in water for 15 minutes.
Heat the milk on medium flame. Keep on adding sugar to the milk and keep stirring.
When the milk starts to boil, add the rice slowly to it. Remember to keep stirring the milk continuously.
Add cardamon and dry fruits and keep stirring till the milk thickens and the rice is fully cooked.
Cool the payesh and keep it in refrigerator for a couple of hours.
Garnish as desired and serve chilled

Discrimination

There was great disquiet in Thandai Land. Mr. A, a corpulent gentleman with a ruddy face was particularly loquacious.

“There is no question that my family has been settled in Thandai Land for ages now. We always have been faithful servants of the Family and we would gladly lay down our lives for them. But now we commoners are being shunted aside for so-called Royalty. This is neglect, no this is discrimination, pure and simple.”

“Discrimination is rarely simple and never pure” spoke up a quavering voice.

All present turned to look at the speaker, Mr. B. Once a fine specimen of youth and virility, he was now reduced to a shriveled state. His bones had gone all soft and squishy while his skin, once dazzling with the radiance of the sun, was now blackened and stinking. He hobbled into the midst of the crowd, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the others were surreptitiously trying to avoid the stench emanating from him.

“That’s neither here nor there” said Mr. A impatiently. “We are being discriminated against, that’s the main point. Just look at yourself old man, isn’t your condition the result of the same thing? Look at him friends. And who is responsible for our sorry state? Someone who thinks she has the right to rule over us.”

A great deal of murmuring broke out at these words.  Everyone seemed to be in agreement with whatever Mr. A was saying. Mr. A himself was shaking his head angrily. Yet no one knew what to do next; taking on the Family was not an easy task. Mr. B stood forlornly in a corner. Suddenly a sweet female voice piped up from somewhere behind all of them.”

“I have something to say.”

The speaker was a young lady, Miss M, the very Royal personage who was the reason behind all the tumult. With her generous, curvy proportions, skin of polished gold and “come hither” looks, it was no wonder that the Family had become so enamored of her. Even the irate Mr. A was awed into an admiring silence for a few moments. The vision of beauty continued speaking in her melodious voice.

“I know that my arrival has disturbed you all and I apologize for that. I have been bred and nurtured to be a royal; so that I can wield more power than all of you but my ultimate fate will be no different than yours.”

The silence that followed was abruptly broken when all the fruits were removed from the chilled freezer (Thandai Land) to make a fruit salad for dinner. Corpulent Mr. A(pple) and the luscious Miss M(ango) complemented each other’s taste to perfection as did the other fruits. But poor, spoilt Mr. B(anana) was thrown unceremoniously into the garbage bin.

Thus did the battle between the common fruits and the King of fruits, the mango end. Yet the cold war will continue for in mango season, other fruits are destined to remain forgotten.