Demelza Hart's Blog, page 5

The birds and the bees – you have got to be kidding!

My daughter, who’s just started secondary/high school, brought home some biology homework about human reproduction. Now, she knows all about the ins and outs of it already, but it still caused a fair bit of tittering and giggling having to make her awareness of it official in an exercise book and get graded for it. It was when she asked me to spell ‘ejaculation’ that I allowed my mouth to curl into a slight smile.

Actually, I sat my daughter down a couple of years ago and had a chat about things before anyone else could.

But it didn’t happen like that for me.

Back in the early 80s, there was a craze of little dolls. I’m not sure what they were called, but I remember them being ’anatomically correct’. All my friends and I wanted the boy doll because … it had a willy. And willies were really naughty and exciting.

Anyway, one day we’re playing with this doll and it’s all getting a bit giggly and silly and my friend tells me that to make a baby the man sticks his willy inside the woman.

WHAT!!!!???? No way !!!!! You have got to be kidding!!!! No bloody way on earth does that ever happen you are like totally insane and I’m going to go and tell my mummy that you’re telling lies and that is the grossest most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life and you’re making it up and it’s all lies.

So, that night I go to my mum. In my head, this is how the conversation was going to go:

Me: Mummy, N says a woman gets pregnant by the man sticking his willy inside her. That’s not true, is it?

Mum: N said that? *gentle, mocking laughter* Of course it’s not true, darling. How could anything so disgusting be true? No, what happens is that when the man and woman have a gentle, loving kiss (not involving tongues or anything sloppy like that) the man reaches over to the bedside table and gets a box. Inside the box there’s a seed, a bit like a pearl or something round and shiny and really lovely. He smiles gently and hands the seed to his lovely wife. She magically absorbs the seed into her body by pure love alone and then she has a baby. Both mummy and daddy remain fully clothed at all times.’

Me: Thank you, mummy. I thought it was like that.

How the conversation really went:

Me: Mummy, N says a woman gets pregnant by the man sticking his willy inside her. That’s not true, is it?

*silence*

*my mother gives a very big sigh*

Mum: Well … yes … it is true.

*silence*

Me: Oh.

Sometimes life is harsh.

However, several years later, and many erotic stories later (not to mention two kids later), I find I’ve come to terms with the harsh reality of life. In fact, I’ve become quite adept at describing the man sticking his willy in the woman in just about every way possible. Funny how time changes things.

My friend would be so proud, and so would that little anatomically correct fellow who helped enlighten me.

If you want further enlightenment, you may enjoy this.

Book One in the Suited to You trilogy

Spiritual sensuality

Spirituality. Sensuality.

The two are intrinsically interwoven, don’t you think?

I’ve just returned from a carol service, as a singer as well as a listener. And I felt so fantastic when I came out, not because I’m particularly religious, if at all, but I think I am spiritual, and I adore that union of spirituality and sensuality which comes from singing in a choir in a beautiful building.

There’s something about singing which taps right into what makes us tick, what makes us who we are. Maybe it’s the beat reflecting our pulse, maybe it’s the physicality of working muscles and vocal cords and lungs to get that wonderful resonant humming in our heads. But it feels so good. And when it works well with others in a choir, it is a uniquely satisfying experience. Like good sex.

And there’s the music itself, which can be lively, soothing, calming, exciting, disturbing. You name it, it’s there in music (and Bach is normally the one providing … but that’s another story.)

And it can be sexy. Yes, even the humble Christmas carol.

Here’s one you may not know (Sting did a version, come to think of it). It’s worth listening to a couple of times to fully appreciate its richness. It is the most sensual thing. And the words are so heart-rending, no matter what your beliefs. It traces the life and death of Jesus through the love of his mother and what may be given to him in gifts. It’s called Bethlehem Down, by Peter Warlock. He knew a thing or two about sensuality, believe me.

Here are the words to accompany the beautiful, heart-rending and utterly sensual music.

When he is King we will give him the Kings’ gifts,

Myrrh for its sweetness, and gold for a crown,

“Beautiful robes,” said the young girl to Joseph,

Fair with her first-born on Bethlehem Down.

Bethlehem Down is full of the starlight,

Winds for the spices, and stars for the gold,

Mary for sleep, and for lullaby music

Songs of a shepherd by Bethlehem fold.

When he is King they will clothe him in grave-sheets,

Myrrh for embalming, and wood for a crown,

He that lies now in the white arms of Mary,

Sleeping so lightly on Bethlehem Down.

Here he has peace and a short while for dreaming,

Close-huddled oxen to keep him from cold,

Mary for love, and for lullaby music

Songs of a shepherd by Bethlehem fold.

Go on, try it. Remember, it’s like great sex. And I hope you all get lots of it this Christmas.