L.Y. Levand's Blog, page 2

Review of Sapphire's Destiny, by S. L. Perryman

Sapphire's Destiny by S.L. Perryman
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Sapphire's Destiny starts out very interesting; though I'm not a big fan of first-person present-tense, the beginning drew me in anyway.

As the book went on, I found some things that didn't seem to fit. The pacing seemed a little
off; the author didn't spend much time on things. I think the book would have benefited from more explanation and expansion within the events that happened; spending more time on the plane flight, or on the walk through the forest, for example. I think it could easily have been made twice as long without the story suffering. Rather than us going through everything with Sapphire, we're often told about things that happened earlier in the book that weren't described. This is done as Sapphire remembering something, something that we would have seen earlier in the story if it hadn't been skipped over.

The dialogue was stilted in places, but perhaps the thing that bothered me most was the unrealistic ways characters often acted. If I was in the position Sapphire was in at the beginning, with Nubby appearing out of a bottle and a cloud of smoke, I would have been more prepared to clunk her over the head with a heavy object than run off on a dangerous mission with her. It certainly would have taken more convincing, and a much more detailed explanation of the stakes, for me to commit to something like Sapphire did, especially with the kind of fear we're told Sapphire has (taking a baseball bat into the basement). There were a few others, but those stood out to me.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes when Sapphire saw Damian, and I'm going to guess that the soul-mate (The Calling) thing didn't just happen to Nubby and Jeremy. My guess would be that the same happened to Sapphire and Damian. As a rule, I don't like it when this happens in a book because it's been done so often.

However, the idea behind the story was intriguing, and the writing on the way to the ritual I thought was very good, along with the very beginning with Sapphire's grandmother. There were a few typos I noticed, but overall the proofreading was fairly well-done. There was some content that I would label as being for teenagers (some language - what most people would refer to as fairly mild) and a few other, minor things, but overall was pretty clean. I enjoyed the book quite a bit; I think the author shows a lot of promise, and the story idea is interesting. I certainly wouldn't be against reading the next book.

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Character Redesign: Taeo

I wasn't satisfied with the character from the last blog post, so this week I redid her. I started an entirely new drawing, using what I had decided on the last post as the basis for it.




This is the completed image from the last post. As you can see, not much of her clothing design is visible, due to my decision to have her facing away.

I was also dissatisfied with how human her appearance was. As a character that is supposed to be a half-breed, she appears almost entirely human, most noticeably in her face. So when I began this next drawing, I knew I was going to make her look less human.



As you can see in this image, I've done the basic outline, and added some clothing design. I've chosen a different clothing idea for this image, basing the design on Taeo's pride and low self-esteem about her looks.

The blouse here is a stiff leather framework in the collar, as well as corset-type vest. There is also a thin fabric to cover the bust, inspired by halter-style tops.
In this step I've added holes for laces on the corset, sandals, long hair, and a headband. The headband I chose because, despite her long hair, Taeo is a working woman. She wants her hair to be seen, but it also needs to stay out of her face enough that she can get her work done. I've also added a skirt. This skirt is longer and more modest than the one in the last design; it's also simpler in style. Her tail is threaded through a metal ring in the back.

I chose to make the skirt longer in this design due to the changes I knew I was going to be making. Taeo would be self-conscious about certain aspects of her appearance, and while she would happily showcase the parts of her appearance she liked, she would also hide the things she did not.


This picture shows some of the changes I decided to make to her appearance. Her eyes have slit pupils, like a cat's eyes, and she also has a patch around her hairline. In the last design, she had similar patches, but these only appeared on her back and spine. I decided that, to make her more like her father's people, these patches would appear elsewhere as well.

I've also altered her eyebrows, giving her a bony ridge, rather than a strip of hair like humans have. I decide that her eyebrows and the patches on her skin will be scaly in texture.


In this picture I've added the patches on different places on her body. The most noticeable patch is on her face, something many people would consider a disfigurement.

I decide that her skirt is longer and covers more area than the last design because her upper legs have much more of the scaly skin than the rest of her. She wants to hide this, and draw attention to the parts of her body where it isn't as obvious, or isn't as disfiguring in her mind.


You can see in this picture the changes I made to her face. While she still looks human for the most part, she also has a large scaly patch of skin covering her forehead, and parts of her nose and cheek. Her eyebrows are ridged and scaled, and her pupils are slits.
This is the completed image of Taeo, one I'm much happier with than the first.
She looks less like a human and more like the hybrid I imagined her to be. Her character has also developed further: I know now that she tries to hide the aspects of herself that she finds ugly, and that she dislikes the scales on her skin.

I also know that she will sacrifice a certain amount of practicality in order to be what she sees as beautiful (wearing her hair long and loose) but only until it gets on her nerves, at which time she will change her behavior or wardrobe only enough to make it less of an annoyance to her. She has access to rich fabrics and high-quality clothing as well. Her hair is straight and well-groomed, so she has access to grooming tools on a regular basis.

She does not attempt to hide her tail, which means she either has a purpose for allowing it to be seen, or she discovered she could not hide it. I decide it is a combination of the two; she was ridiculed for attempting to hide her tail, and doing so was uncomfortable. Her human mother would flinch when she saw it, and so Taeo decided to stop trying to keep it hidden. To get back at her mother, to stop the tormenting of the other children, and for her own comfort.

Halfbreed Character Design

I'm back at it! It only took me a week to start feeling better, but here I am. I made the mistake of attempting an overnight trip with Seth before I was totally better, and long story short, he started coming down with it, so we headed back the same night, and didn't get home until five in the morning. Which did some very interesting and unpleasant things to my cold.

Anyway, I'm finally feeling good enough to actually type something that makes sense, so you get a blog post this week. :)

This is for a character that I've been thinking about for a while. This is what I know about her so far:

Sex: Female
History: As the daughter of a woman chosen for her beauty, she is proud of her looks, but is unhappy with her status as a half-breed. It is her half-breed status that ensured her beauty was obscured and rendered unusual; this also prevents her from accessing the powers she desires. She is ambitious, and as a halfblood member of a long-lived race, has had the time to go up in her ranking, though, again, her ancestry prevents her from moving up further. She is jealous of pure-blood members on both sides of her family, as well as members of the races themselves. She has active animosity toward men and women equally, but especially if they possess the things she desires.

A good idea of her motivations, but not much about her history, what made her that way, what she looks like, or what sort of position she has.




As you can see here, I chose a different pose from the last few times. Most notably, she's facing away from the "front" of the image. I did this because she has a tail, and this is a key part of her character. One of the races she's descended from is a type of shape-shifter, but as she is also half-human, she was born with a partial non-human shape, and is unable to change shape at all. I've also, as usual, kept the feet of the character visible.
In this image I've added some clothing. Knowing what I do, both about her personality and her culture, I faced some interesting dilemmas. Foremost of those was how she would feel about her tail, and how she would then dress.

Holy moly, the problem of dressing a character with a tail. That was my biggest challenge. How to cover this character and still make it more or less practical. As you can see here, I decided that cloth would drape around under her tail, not unlike a skirt that's short in the front and low in the back. You can also see a panel of cloth hanging from the front, to offer some modesty in that area as well. This character is proud of her appearance, so she is wearing a halter-style top in order to emphasize it. On her feet I've drawn some relatively simple sandals. Because of how simplistic the sandals are in comparison to the fashion-centric choices in the rest of the outfit, this character is involved in a kind of career or job that would make it impractical to wear more expensive or complex footwear.
Here I've started adding details, and I've done a basic sketch of the front side of the outfit, since you can't see it in the main drawing. I've decided that she'll have pointed ears as part of her shape-changer heritage, and that, as someone a little vain about her appearance, she will also enjoy experimenting with her clothes. She has a tail, something that neither of her parents, or their people, have ever had to worry about. So she has had to design her own clothing, and make it work for her. I decide she's been doing this for some time, and gotten quite good at it. She also has long hair; since long hair in this society indicates beauty, a character proud of her looks would naturally have allowed her hair to grow.
In this image I've added more detail to the back of her clothing, given her some jewelry, and I've discovered that she has an interesting facial expression. Her right hand is positioned as if she's motioning someone to move on (or is threatening them with a fist), and she has a rather confrontational look in her eyes. Not as if she is picking a fight, but more as if she is daring whoever she's speaking to to talk back. Her hair is dark, and is also a little frazzled around her face. Either she doesn't care, thinks it looks good, or she's just spent a busy morning doing something. Taking into account the plain sandals, I decide that she's spent a busy morning, and is lecturing someone under her authority.
I learned a good deal about this character while I was drawing her. In the process of shading the final picture, I discovered even more. Since she's a halfbreed, she is likely to have an odd mix of characteristics, and not just a tail. So I added some patchy skin to her back around her tail and going up her spine.

I also decide that she isn't just a little vain about her appearance. She is wrapped up in appearances due to her childhood. Her mother was chosen for her beauty, and not for any other compelling reason, so she would have grown up in a house in which being pretty was something very important. But since she is a halfbreed and has some unusual characteristics, she is insecure about her appearance, and is therefore not just preoccupied with it, but obsessed. Not being fully one thing or the other, she is also sensitive about things that people from both sides of her family can do that she cannot, and finds it frustrating. Her mixed heritage also precludes her from having a more powerful role in her hometown. These things frustrate her and make her appear power mad as well as power hungry.
Final Image
Name: Taeo
Hair color: Brown
Eye color: Green/hazel
Personality: Acting confident to the point of cockiness, Taeo hates anything that makes her seem less than perfect, including the patches of scaly skin lining her spine and tail. She hates her tail, but has been forced to learn to live with it, as she can't realistically hide it in her garments. Taeo is also easily hurt, though she covers (and revenges) this by taking petty jabs at whoever she feels is her aggressor.
History: Born a half-breed to a high-ranking man and his wife, who was chosen only for her looks, Taeo was raised in a home where appearances were valued highly, and as a result spends much of her time grooming and making sure she is as perfect as possible in mirrors or still water. She has been on the receiving end of teasing about being a halfbreed, as well as her tail and fixation on appearances. She also has none of the abilities of her father's people, shape-shifters, and is thus not considered a full citizen among them. Though her mother's people would welcome her, she has always wanted to be considered one of her father's people, as they are more revered and powerful.
Occupation: An overseer; she is responsible for making sure fields are harvested, and guests are cared for. She is a hard boss to have, as she feels the need to express her power whenever something makes her feel insufficient.
Family: Father - shape changer, mother - human. Possible younger full and half siblings.

Sunburn and Sickness

There will be no tutorial blog post this weekend - for several reasons. Firstly, I won't have access to a computer on Saturday. Second, I somehow got myself a nasty sunburn (from sitting in the shade the entire time - don't ask how, I have no idea) last Sunday. Being right-handed, the right shoulder was a terrible place to have a sunburn when I wanted to draw. The chafing was awful. And, just as it started to heal and not hurt as bad, I came down with a cold.

Woke up Wednesday, and bam, sick. I've been sick enough that deciding whether I wanted my husband to get me orange juice or not took me fifteen minutes (usually that kind of thing only takes me five). That's not particularly good news for whatever unfortunate character I try to design, and I've felt pretty awful anyway, so I'm putting it off until next week. I have some ideas floating around, but I'm just going to focus on getting better and hopefully have one for you next week.

In the meantime, you guys can chime in on what kind of character you'd like to see. I was thinking one that's not entirely human, but if you have suggestions or requests, by all means let me know!

Character Design: A Brand New Character

When preparing for this blog post, I decided I wanted to do a brand new character. One that I had never written about before, and one that I had never tried to develop before this last week. This was partially because I had a new story idea and I wanted to work on the main character, but I realized that I should probably start with a brand new character anyway, since this is all about character design and how it can help you develop your characters.

So, what I know about this character so far is this:

Gender: female
Age: Between 15 and 30 years
Place of residence/birth location: Dragon Graveyard
Name: Aeonian

I don't know what she looks like, I haven't nailed down her age, I know nothing about her personality, I don't know if she has a family, or a job. I know more about her culture and the place she lives than I know about her.

Assuming you have roughly the same information let's get started!

The first thing you need to know to start your artwork is their body type. Male, female, thin, fat, somewhere between, tall, short, average. Along with this you'll need to know their sex. Male or female. This will give you the basic info you need to start your line work.

Assuming you don't know much about this character's personality yet, you'll probably want to start with a pretty generic pose.
As you can see, I drew this lineart with as much of the body visible as possible. I did not, for example, allow her feet to go off the bottom edge of the paper. Like in the last example, you want as much space to work with as you can manage. I typically draw very thin characters. If you look at the line art above, you can see that she's still relatively thin, but not to the degree as the example we did last week. I wanted this character to have a much closer to average weight. I knew that, based on environmental factors, she would not be super thin (her people would have had access to good food sources around the time she was growing up) but she would also not be overweight (life, while good, is not easy, and they have a fairly healthy diet).

Once you have your base line art done, the next step is to decide what type of clothing you're going to put them in. If you're writing a period piece, or something based on a time period, you'll want to look at fashion of the time, and also consider how this character is going to be living and what kind of work they're likely to be engaged in.

I decided that since the story I'm planning is going to be similar to both medieval and pioneer/Victorian times, that the women would likely do most of the cooking, and would also probably wear long skirts, and blouses with high collars.
As you can see in this revised line art, she is wearing a tunic-length blouse with long, gathered sleeves and a high neck. She is also wearing a long skirt, medieval-inspired shoes, and a belt. Because she is going to be doing cooking, her sleeves are gathered at the wrists and fastened with buttons. Because her people are currently living in a colder climate, her skirt would be made of heavier cloth, both to help keep her legs warm and to prevent wind gusts from blowing them around too much.
I then started work on her face, hair, and the things that express personality in her appearance. Being an old-fashioned type society, long hair is a typical feature for women, as is pulling it back or up to keep it out of the face while cooking. I had to decide if Aeonian was going to stick with convention here, too, or if she was going to do something different.

For every decision you make about a character's appearance, you need an explanation. Example:

I decided that she would have her hair cut short. And she would have cut it short because she saw no reason to have long hair at all if it was only going to be pulled back to keep it out of her face. This made me decide that she's a highly practical person.

I also decided that it was unlikely she would have someone else cut it for her for several reasons. Firstly, anyone who cut hair would likely be either confused, offended, or even angry that a woman was asking for such a thing, and they might even outright refuse. Since she is practical as well, it seems unlikely to me that she would pay money for something she could easily do herself. So I decided that her hair would be cut roughly and in different lengths.

I also decided that she was unlikely to have a family. If she did, then a mother or father would have tried to talk her out of cutting her hair, and she would not have needed to be as practical. I decided that her practicality was a matter of necessity, having been orphaned as a child.

The more you get into details about their appearance, or, in the following case, their expression, the more you have to put together for their history.
I expected her to be severe, strict, or bitter. But as I drew her face, it didn't come out as a severe or strict woman. To me, her face looks young still, as if she's thinking deeply and hasn't quite given up on dreams yet. So, she's had to work hard and push her dreams away, but she hasn't yet abandoned them. She started out her life as a vibrant child, dreaming, playing, having fun. But as life and adult responsibilities took over, she had to push her childish dreams and wishes further and further back. She still has hope.
As I continued work on the details of her face, I realized she also looks wary, as if suspicious of something. Perhaps she's seen someone she doesn't trust. But who in a community would she not trust, and why?

As an orphan, she likely had to depend on other people when she was young. I decide another family took her in for a time, and she mistrusts them later, because they removed her from their household. Perhaps the children of that family were bullies.

I also realized that she has a pretty face. In the kind of environment that she grew up in, a pretty face would draw a lot of attention, positive (from men) and negative (from other women). Perhaps this was another motive in cutting her hair short. Long hair is often associated with beauty, and after being mistreated by other women or girls, she decided she would rather be without it.

The mistrust or suspicion on her face may also have to do with the behavior of men. I decide that she's been approached by men before, because of her pretty face, but that the subsequent conversations did not impress her, and she may have been harmed by a man in the past. As a result, she tries to blend in - hence her ordinary clothing.

I decide she is also single. Having had bad experiences with men before, she finds it hard to trust them. Though most young women her age have been married and many have children, she has no desire to marry and put her life in the hands of someone she doesn't believe she can trust.
Results
Name: Aeonian
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Occupation: Cook
Family: None
History: Aeonian was born in a village in the Dragon Graveyard. After the death of her parents while she was very young, she was placed temporarily with another family that had two sons. When she grew older, she was mistreated by this family in subtle ways, and eventually removed from their home to live on her own. At the age of six she was expected to do much the same work as a fully grown woman in helping in the fields, preserving food for the winter, and cooking. As a result, her childhood was cut short. By the time she entered her teen years, it became obvious that she was going to be a pretty young woman when she reached adulthood, and she was forced to learn to spurn unwanted advances from men and boys. Due to her negative experiences with the father and sons in her foster family, the attention both frightened and angered her. By the age of fifteen, Aeonian had no female friends, as she refused to socialize, and many were resentful of her beauty, though by that time most of the men had given up on her as a prospect for marriage. She cut off her hair around this time, finding it a nuisance, and knowing it was considered a sign of beauty. She works hard, and in silence, during the hours she is required to do so, and spends her free time in her own tiny apartment, alone.
If you've tried this method, share your results below!

Character Design: Introduction

This week we're starting a series on character design. It's a useful (and fun) way to give you a visual for your characters, and also to help you with aspects of your culture. This can be a good tool for people who are very visual, to help them describe their characters. But before we get started, I have two things you need to remember.

First of all, you don't have to use paper and pencils like I did. You can sculpt, if that's your thing, you can draw digitally, paint, use paper dolls, anything. The point is to get what you see in your head into a physical format.

You know how when you have writer's block they tell you to try and write somewhere different? This is similar. If your characters seem one-dimensional, then try it out. Our sample character below was a place-holder in a story I haven't finished. I knew next to nothing about her, which is why I chose her as our sample. Using this form of character design, I learned about her personality, her likes and dislikes, even whether she was left or right handed. So if you need a little push in the right direction, this might help you out.

Second, and most importantly, you don't have to be a good artist to do this. This is a tool to help you visualize and improve your characters. It's perfectly fine if no one but you ever sees it. It's also perfectly fine if you throw it away when you're done.

Today, I'm just going to be walking you through our sample character to give you a basic idea of how it's done, and why I like this method so much.
What I Used
Sketchpad or paper - check
Pencils - check
Eraser(s) - check
Stuffed animal mascot - check
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Getting started
Our sample character design is for an artist. This character's name is Tsyla. She's a character from a story I've been working on for many years now, but which hasn't been finished yet.
My first step was to choose a pose for her that allows me to see most of her body. As you can see below, I chose a pose that shows the torso, head, arms, hands, one full leg, and most of a second leg. She has one leg raised, as if resting on a box, so details of the feet and/or shoes can be seen:
Since this character is female, I gave her a typical feminine body shape. I did this because I wanted as much detail about her as possible. It's a design, so I needed to know what she was wearing and looked like as much as possible. This meant I couldn't just leave both of her feet off the edge of the paper.
If you look closely, you can see that this particular character is holding a paintbrush. I wanted Tsyla to be interacting with an object, partially because that also shows her character, and partially because I thought the picture would look silly if she didn't have anything in her hand. One of the thigns I knew about Tsyal was that she was an artist. But I hadn't thought about what kind until I went to draw her. By adding a paintbrush to her design, I made her a painter.
Tsyla is holding a paintbrush in her left hand. I didn't know whether she was right or left-handed when I began this drawing, as it wasn't something I had thought about. She is now left-handed. Being good at drawing is NOT a requirement - I covered up Tsyla's second eye with a lock of hair so I wouldn't have to draw it. I usually start my detail-work with the face, head, and hair. As you can see here, Tsyla's hair is cut short. As a painter, I decided she dislikes it when hair gets in her face or in the way of her work.

Tsyla's people tend to prefer longer hairstyles, however. And since a longer hairstyle can be pulled back relatively easily, I needed a better reason for the short cut I gave her while I was writing. So I now know that she has a tendency to be late, and a short hairstyle is easier for her to take care of when she's in a rush.
While the blouse and wristbands she's wearing in this image are not unusual for one of her people, the belt style is. Her friends, family, and other members of her nation tend to prefer leather belts that wrap around only once. Tsyla has here used a cord, instead. This tells me that she sticks to popular foundations, but likes to improvise on the details.
I debated for several minutes over what kind of shoes Tsyla would wear, but in the end chose high boots.

One of the few things I knew about Tsyla was that her tribe is a group of talented artisans, living in a large cave-like building together. This meant she would spend much of her time walking through places where there are things like paint, clay, and even glass on the floor. The boots protect her trousers and feet from the more unsavory substances she might come into contact with.


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The image below is Tsyla's final design.

While I was working on the details of her clothing, the things she enjoys and the things she dislikes played a huge part. As an artist living in a community of artists, she would not only have access to many different artistic forms, but would also enjoy expressing herself artistically, and would likely alter her own clothing. So, while the foundation of her outfit is common among her people (see above), the details are not, because those are things she's added herself.

I discovered thatTsyla likes jewelry, but not gems. She prefers metals and chains that are plain. Her right wristband is attached to three metal rings worn on her hand by thin chains. A metal cuff around her left forearm is connected to the wristband on the same arm with another chain. There is a row of sockets, also connected by chains, down the inside of her boots. She has also embroidered a geometric design on the collar of her blouse, and added metal rings and chain loops. A chain with a single tassel hangs from the center metal ring.
The finished image of Tsyla tells me a few things that will make writing about her easier. It's also helped me nail down a few details I hadn't yet thought about.

Firstly, her clothing will likely jingle when she walks, due to her love of fine chains and metals. Two, even though she's a painter, she also likely has an interest in metal-working, due to how much metal has been worked into her clothing. If she hasn't learned how to do it herself, then she either has a close friend that does it for her, or she plans on learning it in the future. Three, she is left-handed. Four, despite her love of things different and her artistic sensibilities, nothing she's wearing makes it overly difficult to paint. This means that her priority is being able to do her job, and is therefore responsible in that sense. She is not wearing anything that would make it difficult to move around, which tells me that she is both impatient with anything that is impractical to the degree it slows her down, and also moves quickly.

My Biggest Accomplishment is a Failed Black Belt Test

I haven't been looking for a martial arts school.

That's embarrassing for me to admit, but it's true. And because of all the help and encouragement various people have offered me through my martial arts journey, I feel the need to explain why. (I could write a list of all the people I want to thank, but it would be too long. Suffice it to say I noticed, I appreciate it, and will forever be thankful.)

It seemed like I had given up on ever getting my fourth degree, I'm sure. I had a chance right before I got married, to test again. But I turned it down. I've had chances while living here to find a school and start training again. But I haven't.

And because of all the support and help that I've been given on the road to that fourth degree, I feel that those of you who offered that help deserve an explanation.

The truth is, I've felt like a failure as a martial artist, and as if I wasn't worthy of training anymore. That may seem strange, but it's true, and I didn't even realize it myself until recently.

In fact, I didn't realize it until I asked myself, in a fit of randomness while I was working out, what my greatest accomplishment was.

My failed black belt tests.

Those are my greatest accomplishments.

Which surprised me, and probably surprises you, too. Especially if you saw what a wreck I was after failing the first time. (And I was a wreck.)

A lot of people didn't understand my story. A lot of people don't know why that test was so important to me, and why that failure hit me so hard.

I had ended my first relationship less than a year before. No big deal, right? People do it all the time. But what most people didn't know was that I was abused in that relationship.

When my first boyfriend showed up at Burke and Betancourt TaeKwonDo, I was mediocre at best. I didn't compete, didn't stand out in either negative or positive ways. I wanted to be really good at it, I wanted to succeed, and be a instructor, be on the demo team. But I'd spent years watching other people get those chances, because I just wasn't objectively good enough. I stopped believing I could do it - that I could ever be more than I already was.

And then he showed up and started pushing me. Perhaps ironically, that was what I needed to be able to believe in myself. To have someone else, from the outside, telling me to get up and go do these things. Not waiting for me to grab attention for something flashy, not letting me sit quietly. He pushed my buttons. And, to me, that said he believed I could do it - and not only that, expected me to be good enough to do it, and to actually get it done.

I started to succeed. I became an instructor, and I loved it. I was able to join the demo team. I started competing, and I took medals home. I had finally managed to do some of the things I had dreamed of for so long.

And then we started dating. I'm not sure when the abuse started. It wasn't physical abuse; he knew better than to lay a hand on me. Maybe it started right at the very beginning, but I don't know. It was subtle, insidious, like a poison you don't realize is there until it's suddenly gone.

He manipulated me. He used my desire to trust him to devious advantage, and used my dislike of confrontation to intimidate me into letting things slide that I should not have. He didn't respect my boundaries, instead pushing them, pushing them, and getting angry when I began to enforce them. I started acting out in classes in ways that ordinarily would have mortified me. Because it was the only place I could strike back, and he couldn't punish me. There were too many witnesses.

I learned the name for it after he was arrested.

Abuse. Emotional blackmail, to be specific.

If I ever questioned him, what he did, where he had been, he would get angry and guilt me into silence, or threaten to kick me out of the school. If I made him angry, he would express that anger by kicking a desk, stabbing a pen through a wall, breaking a stack of boards in one go.

He tried to isolate me from my family. He couldn't get me away from them physically, but he said all my physical problems were their fault. My headaches were caused by them. I was anxious because of them.

When I broke up with him and he was arrested, I had to recover from the idea that I couldn't protect our students from him. It didn't surprise me that he had "cheated" on me. During the relationship, the one thing that was driven home consistently was that I wasn't good enough. I didn't trust him enough, didn't work hard enough, wasn't dressing provocatively enough, didn't spend enough time alone with him. So the idea of him cheating wasn't the part that hurt.

I knew, the instant I heard that he'd been arrested, and for what, that he had done it. I don't want to go into how I knew here, but if you really want to know you can message me.

Anyway, my worth ended up tied to how he treated me, in more ways than one. I thought I was a terrible girlfriend, because of how he had treated me. And I hadn't really thrived as a martial arts student until he came.

What did that mean, now that he was gone? I'd never been a successful martial artist without his presence in my life. In my head, which, admittedly, was really messed up at the time, that meant that my success was because of him, and had nothing to do with me. If it was me the whole time, then why hadn't it happened before he'd shown up?

That first black belt test was a way for me to prove that I could still do it. That I was strong enough, skilled enough, to do it without him. That I didn't need a pedophile or rapist pushing my buttons to do this. That it had been me all along, and his presence was just coincidental.

I needed to prove that to myself. I wanted to, desperately.

But then I failed, and my world kept falling apart.

After that failure, I found out the school was going to close. I felt like that was my fault, too. I couldn't protect the students, I couldn't save the school, I couldn't pass a test. And now, I wouldn't even have a place to train or teach.

But the boards gave me hope.

The boards I couldn't break? They gave me hope. I believed that if I had "normal" boards, I could do it the second time. That it was a fluke that I'd failed at first. I'd gotten psyched out because the boards looked thicker, and that threw me off mentally. That's why I hadn't passed.

So I went home - and moved my training sessions to the living room of my parents' house when the school closed. I would get home from work, rearrange the entire room so there was space, and train. By myself. Almost every night.

I arranged to go a week before the next test and train, too. I would be ready. I had realized that it wasn't the boards that had failed me, it was because I wasn't properly prepared. But the hope lingered. Maybe I could pass this time anyway. So I went up and trained with my cousin and our friend a week early. They were so helpful, and so generous. I broke I don't even know how many boards that week in preparation for the testing. They had so much patience with me, and encouraged me every day.

As the testing date approached, I prayed. I prayed to pass, but I also prayed that if God didn't want me to pass, that His will would be done, and that if He didn't want me to pass, that He would help me handle it better than the last time.

It gave me a measure of peace, to know that even if I didn't get what I wanted, I would still have the strength to face it.

I failed.

The final board didn't break. Some people were worried that my hand did. I had hit the wood hard enough to crater the surface with my bones, but not hard enough to break it.

I went home, found another school to train at for a while, and then, not long after, got married and moved out of state.

I didn't completely fall apart that time, but what I did do was perhaps worse.

It's been over a year now, since I moved east, and I still haven't found a school.

What did I do instead of falling apart? Why have I not found a school yet?

I hadn't proved what I set out to prove. I had been as ready as I could have been for that second testing, and I had still failed. I had no right, anymore, to train, even if it made me happy. If I couldn't get that belt, no matter how hard I trained, then I couldn't do it without him. In my mind, his presence was connected to my success. And if I needed the help of a pedophile and a rapist to get that belt, then I didn't want to try anymore. If I needed that kind of help, then I wasn't worthy of it.

So I didn't train. I punished myself for my own shortcomings by not training, not seeking a school, believing that I was a failure and would never accomplish my goals now. I hadn't just failed twice. I was a failure, and I didn't deserve that happiness.

But when I asked myself what my greatest accomplishment was last week, it wasn't earning a belt. It wasn't high scores on my GED. It wasn't even publishing my first book.

It was that second test.

I had been emotionally abused, cheated on, betrayed, by the first man I ever loved. I hadn't even begun to recover from the abuse at that point. The first man I ever dated was in prison for sexually molesting minors - while he was engaged to marry me. I had failed a test for the first time in my life. I had, also for the first time in my life, not been able to break boards when it counted. The school that had been like a second home for me was closing. I blamed myself for the harm that had come to my students, for the school closing, and for my own pain. Everything was going wrong.

But I still went back.

In spite of all of that, all of the terrible pain and obstacles in my path, despite my previous failure, I had gone back and tried again.

And I had done it without him. I had done more on my own, in that brief period of time when I was most vulnerable, than I had ever done with his "help."

It didn't matter that I hadn't gotten the belt, because it was never the belt that proved it. What proved it was that I had taken the hardest knocks of my life, and I still hadn't given up. Even when I thought I was no longer worthy of even trying anymore, I still hadn't been able to set that dream aside. It still hung in the back of my mind, waiting. I still dreamed of it, and wished. I felt like I was in limbo, tormented by the idea of it - unable to pursue it, unable to give it up.

But I did accomplish what I set out to do, even if it took me years to realize it. I proved that I could still do it. And, depending on how you look at it, it took God Himself to stop me. And if He did, then He did it in dramatic fashion - a way that literally put me out of commission for weeks, because nothing less would have stopped me.

For the first time, I can think about my failed testings with pride rather than shame and tears. I shouldn't be ashamed of those failures. I should be able to point to them and say that those were some of my proudest moments. The moments where I was faced with some of the hardest emotional circumstances of my whole life, and refused to give up and go home.

I'm not a failure anymore. I guess I never was.

And that means that belt is mine.

(I'll be looking for a school, by the way. If anyone knows of a good one in the Toledo area and can point me in the right direction, I will love you forever.)

Review of Hidden Deep, by Amy Patrick

Hidden Deep by Amy Patrick
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

If you like a feel-good type book with few (if any) surprises, then this is a good choice. The same if you don't mind reading common paranormal romance tropes. If, however, you want to be surprised by plot twists and new developments, I would suggest something else.

A girl whose parents are going through a divorce moves in with a family member in a small town. An attractive male with secrets appears out of nowhere, and is described as extremely good-looking with a perfect physique. Neither have ever been in love before, but fall hard and fast for each other, despite knowing next to nothing about one another. Aaaaand...here comes the love triangle and the revelation that the guy is not only an immortal elf, but the *prince* of an underground group of physically perfect people.

And then, naturally, he's dealing with an arranged marriage that has to take place on his eighteenth birthday, which is only a few weeks away, and his father, the king, is very upset that he's been messing around with a human girl. Why? Because he doesn't want his people to be discovered and harmed, and his son is already betrothed. To a girl from an opposing group. And this marriage was intended to facilitate peace between the two.

The main character, when she hears this, and her grandmother (who, incidentally, is an elf herself) makes her understand what love means for the elves, goes out and breaks his heart so he'll marry this other girl and believe she doesn't care about him. Which she did because, after two weeks, she loved him and decided that it was best for him and his people if he married the girl his family picked out. Her plan works, until she manages to send a mental message (which she'd never managed before, by the way) to the king. Who then decides to cancel this important marriage contract, because kings have the luxury of being able to put their own desires above that of their people, and that totally makes a good king. *sarcasm*

There were a few times where the author could have surprised me, but it didn't happen. I would have found it more believable if Lad had been a normal elf and not a prince, for instance, or if Ryann's elf ancestor had been further back in the family tree than her grandmother. I also would have enjoyed this more if Lad hadn't been all emotion all the time, and was actually capable of critical thought. Who knows they're a prince and are betrothed for an important political reason, and then goes out and falls in love with someone else on purpose? Who takes their position completely for granted, and takes gross advantage of it to break the rules? Who would leave their people without a leader in a heartbeat, and deprive them of a marriage contract that could unite them? Someone who cares more for their own fleeting desires than the welfare of their people, that's who. But even with all that, it makes some sort of sense for Lad to be that way, even if I think it's self-centered and he'd make a terrible king, or, for that matter, boyfriend. What doesn't make sense is his father changing his mind and letting Lad do whatever he wants. I think that, if your son falls in love with and is willing to abandon their entire life for, a person they've only known for a few weeks, that a good parent would question very carefully that son's decision-making skills. Especially with how serious love and relationships are for them.

So, basically, Ryann was okay. She had some good moments, I quite liked her. She made some serious mistakes that made me want to shake her, like her manipulation of Lad and Nox in order to get what she wanted, but overall she was okay.

Lad and his father, on the other hand, just didn't make sense, and I came away feeling like they were both self-centered and lacking critical-thinking skills.

(I see some people complaining about the presence of the fan pods and sweet tea, which doesn't make sense to me, actually. The fan pods and Lad's reaction to them were a clue (to me) that the celebrities that had them were elves. It was also obvious to me that they were a set-up for later developments. That's common in the fantasy genre (my favorite) so it wasn't jarring or unusual to me, just evidence of a plot aside from the romance. And the sweet tea was included because it was necessary for part of the plot, as out of place as it may have seemed.)

But even with all that, it was an appealing book in its own way. I read all the way to the end, in spite of the many times I rolled my eyes. It was well-written, for what it was, though I don't think I'd recommend it. I wasn't surprised by anything that I'm guessing I was supposed to be surprised by (Ryann's grandmother, Nox, the pods...) but it was satisfying in a happy ending kind of way. A nice, light read for people who aren't interested in being surprised.

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World Building, Part Twelve: Genealogies

Before I jump into the blog post, I'm just going to drop this right here.
Melisande is the daughter of a duke, and has recently come of age. But when her first suitor arrives, her maid, Laila, does not trust him, and his very presence fills her with animal terror. Does Richard have something to hide? This is our last post on world building! Starting next week, we're going to have a new series to focus on.

This is a minor thing for most writers, because most writers aren't Tolkien. Genealogies go along with the migration stuff, and things like the passing down of special powers or positions. If, like Tolkien, you have a land with no king, a genealogy could be important in proving a character's claim to that throne. You might have a character with unknown abilities that can be traced back through generations.

Step one: Is this important at all? This might be the most important question of this entire section. Because if genealogies are not important, then you can skip the entire thing. If your characters don't have any important ancestry, then there's no need to write out a big genealogy for them. If you don't have any particular bloodlines that are well known for certain things, or famous clans, then feel free to skip.

Keep in mind, however, that if there are any inherited abilities, land, positions, or physical differences, that you'll probably want at least a sketch of a family tree, and a few names that could be used in it. If you have a few names, you may want a basic idea of what they were known for, or how they distinguished themselves, and roughly how long ago they lived/died.

Step two: Choose your family. Before you start trying to figure out a genealogy, you need to know what family/character you're doing it for. It could be your main character, a king or queen, a supporting character, anyone that's going to have their genealogy be part of the story. If you choose a character that's not as famous or prestigious, you might only want to go back to their grandparents. But if it's a king or queen, you may need to trace back further, possibly to a civil war or the founding of the kingdom. If you have an orphan, where one or both parents are a mystery to them, you, as the author, may still need to know about their parents. Especially if they have some bearing on the plot or they're going to appear later on.

Step three: How detailed are you going to be, and how far back are you going to go? Are you going to chronicle every child, legitimate or not, and their subsequent families? Are you going to write names only of the heirs and their legitimate siblings?

This question will tell you how much work you're going to have. Unless you plan on utilizing distant relatives as a plot device or a way to produce necessary information, I would suggest only involving yourself in the basics. Your character, their link to any famous or powerful ancestors, and their close relations, such as siblings and first cousins.

This is also the time where you can think about starting from the beginning, rather than working backward. You may want to start with, say, the first king of a country, and work down through his/her descendants toward your current character. This may be easier for you, or harder, depending on your needs and the way you work.

Step four: Are there any positives or negatives for your characters in belonging to this genealogy? Do they inherit land, riches, a prominent position? Maybe they have a large family, and are the last on the list for inheritance. Or, maybe this family has been cursed, and that curse is passed on to a certain person with specific characteristics in each generation. Maybe they get a powerful political position, but their family has done a terrible job in the past, and they have to deal with intense scrutiny as they take on their duties. Or it could be the opposite; their family has done such a great job that everyone expects wonderful things. Either way, you'll need to know.

Step five: Are any of your characters going to be related? If they are, then how? They might be first cousins and grown up together, or they might be distant cousins several times removed who had never met until your story. Depending on the relationship, they might be good friends, or they might be rivals. If your character is part of a prominent family and this relative is of the same status, they might be in competition with each other for an inheritance or the favor of an older relative that holds a powerful position.

Step six: Repeat steps 1-5 as often as necessary or desired.

World Building, Part Eleven: History

And we're almost to our last post for world-building. I think we have maybe one more. Now that you have the basics all figured out, for culture, locations, animals, and plants, it's time to look at history. History plays a huge part in the background of a story, as well as the current plot, especially if it's a political story.

Step one: The first question you need to answer before starting on the history for your world is how old is it? You need to know this in order to decide whether to cover great swathes of territory in one go, or go farther into detail on everything that happened. If, for example, you have a world that is millions of years old, you may need to label periods of a hundred thousand years or more with something as simple as "The Silence" or "The Long War." But, if you have a world that's only a few thousand, you might decide on a timeline, covering every major happening from the crowning of a king to a civil war.

Step two: Creation stories. This would be the time to consider your world's creation story. If you made a list of religions, you may have several different accounts of how various deities made the world. But this is the time that you write down how your world actually came to pass. If you have any religious themes in your plot, this could be important. As an example of how ancient history was used in a story, you can read the Shadowmarch series by Tad Williams. One of the things I found most interesting was that the creation and battle stories the people knew and loved were inaccurate, because of who had written them. You can use a similar device, making the actual account an important plot point. This type of ancient history rarely has humans as the main player, so if you want to deal primarily with powerful beings and monsters, now would be a great time to do that, and set the stage for later myths.

Step three: Intelligent life. Now that you have the earliest history of your world completed, you need to know how this world went from uninhabited (or inhabited by monsters and powerful otherworldly beings) to being populated by the people you made up in an earlier post. You have the world, now you need to know how the people came to pass.

With this step, you need to consider if different people or forms of intelligent life have different beginnings. You might, for instance, have two deities that work together to create a "model" of the intelligent life they desire, and then they both use that as the basis for different groups. This could result in two groups able to produce offspring together, but with different gods, or different abilities/specialties.

Step four: How did societies develop? Typically in stories, humanity starts off as a small group. If you choose to do that, and your world started out with beasts and dangerous creatures, you'll need to decide how these people survived, and how their societies developed to handle the challenges they face. Even if you start with a large group, it's not likely that they're going to just fall into place immediately as a functional society that can survive adversity of different types. Often, the start of a human population begins with a single family, and the growth of that family eventually turns into a nation.

Step five: How did people travel? People migrate, with weather, with food sources, away from natural disasters and enemies. Where have these people been? Why did they go there? It may be helpful to make copies of your maps and draw migration routes for the different groups of people, along with generalized times for when they were in each place. This will allow you to pinpoint when different clans or families crossed paths, and also give you some info for basic genealogies, since at those kinds of meetings there's usually cases of intermarriage.

Step six: What fighting or wars were there between different groups of people, or among the same group of people? One large nation can split into pieces and go off separate ways, just like two groups of people can fight each other for generations. Groups of people can also join together for safety, or in wars against a common enemy. If this fighting happens in early history, it may be before the different groups were very large, and therefore the consequences might not be as big. Or, conversely, the consequences might be much worse, such as an entire tribe or family group losing their lives. If this fighting happens when there are established large cities or nations, the scale of the conflict is likely going to be much bigger, and possibly longer. Any fighting or conflict might also result in tensions between races or nations for many years, even generations, after the wars are over.

Step seven: What kinds of treaties or alliances have been formed? There may be a longstanding friendship between two nations, where each has pledged to aid the other in times of war or distress. There may be a kind of symbiotic relationship, as well. If, for example, one race of people is physically weak but has skill in magic, they may be bound to a member of a nation that has no magic but is physically powerful. They may then form partnerships that benefit both groups. Nations that have worked together for a long time will likely have had a number of intermarriages, and the rulers of each may, eventually, decide to join the two nations into one through the marriage of royal families.

Step eight: Notable events. Aside from treaties and wars, there may be other notable events, such as the birth of royal triplets, the first woman to ascend a position of power in the military, the death of the longest living ruler, the first magician of a certain race, or the building of a monument. This would be the time you could look at your first maps, with the notable areas, and decide what they are, represent, or memorialize. These notable events or places to memorialize them can be very important to people in different ways. As an example, the first magician to become king might invite the mistrust of his non-magic-using subjects, while giving young children studying magic the belief that they can rise to important positions. The first woman warrior to win a battle might give other young women the hope to someday achieve glory, and would likely "go down in history." The monument to memorialize fallen soldiers might be visited every year by families who lost loved ones to war.

Step nine: Influential people can do a lot of harm or good to a nation. They can find cures for diseases, or start panic over something that isn't true. They can lead a nation to victory or defeat. People who are remembered for acts of valor in war will likely be remembered by those fascinated by or studying the art of war. Men and women known for artistic contributions will probably have their artwork displayed in prominent places, or even collaborate on public buildings. Kings and queens that lead their nations to peace will be remembered for their political abilities and the results of their hard work. Because these names will be common knowledge, and many youngsters may look up to these people as role models, it may be important for you to know who they are and what they're famous for, especially in relation to history.