Golden Angel's Blog, page 27

These Are a Few of my Favorite Things

So, when I did my "what do you want me to blog about?" blog entry, someone asked to know about my favorite things so that readers could get to know me better.  In case anyone's wondering, because of the title of this blog, Sound of Music is actually not one of my favorite things.  In fact, I kind of can't stand it, probably because when I was growing up, there were only two VHS' at my grandparents' beach house we would go to every summer, and we weren't allowed to bring more because those were rainy day activities only and only once we got tired of playing board games.  The family didn't support watching TV.  Those two movies were The Sound of Music and The Last Unicorn.  I always chose to watch The Last Unicorn, the rest of my family loved The Sound of Music.  Even though I'm into musical theater, I still can't stand it.  Give me The Last Unicorn any day!
Let's see... other favorite things...
Reading, obviously.  I'm super into sci-fi/fantasy when I'm not reading trashy romances.  My favorite book of all time is The Merro Tree by Kate Waitman.  It's utterly fantastic.  Normally I hate it when books go back and forth between the present and the past, but she does it RIGHT and it's SO good.  Engaging, sexy, entertaining, haunting... it's one of the few books that has a scene that I will cry at EVERY single time.  Not because it's particularly sad, exactly, but it's so tragic that it's beautiful, even though it's actually not tragic at all because it's only a reminder of past tragedies... kind of like crying at a memorial.  If you ever read it, it's when Mikk does the glass dancing.  It makes me ache inside of my chest.  I just love that book.  Everything about it.  My second favorite book of all time is the Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.  What can I say, I have a thing for trees!
I love anything to do with dressing up in costume, especially for pirate stuff!!!  I'm getting really into cosplay lately =)
My favorite movies are Love Actually, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog, the Princess Bride, Sleeping Beauty, Pirates of the Caribbean, Rodger's and Hammerstain's Cinderella (the one with Leslie Ann Warren), Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.  Those are the ones that I can watch over and over and over again.  I'm also a big fan of Boondock Saints, the Court Jester, Condorman, Rustler's Rhapsody and Clue.  I watch all of those at least once a year.  
I don't have a favorite band or song or anything like that.  I'm currently obsessed with Meghan Trainor's "All About That Bass."  But I love pretty much all kinds of music except for hard rap or really heavy metal.  Although, like Angel in Stronghold, when I'm super pissed off I do listen to my O-tep CD, which is normally too screamer for me.  I'm just not a big music person.
Hmmm... obsessions.  Currently Doctor Who and Harry Potter are probably my top two obsessions.  Especially Doctor Who, since I can watch the classic stuff so there's lots more for me to see.  On the other hand, I get super fan-girly about Harry Potter.  Guess who's going to check out the new HP World this year?!!!!! Sooooooooooo excited.  At some point, there's going to be a new character in the Stronghold novels that has a Doctor Who obsession so that she and Angel can get into nerd arguments about which is better, Doctor Who or Harry Potter.  heh heh heh. Honestly, I don't know if I could choose.
So yeah... those are a few of my favorite things.  If there are any that you're like "what the heck is that and why do you like it?" just leave a comment and I will be happy to try and convert you to the dark side. ;) 

Memories & Kisses

So one of my fellow Yellow Silk Dreams authors has released a new book this weekend, if you're looking for something to read.  Muffy Wilson's Memories and Kisses is available for sale in a LOT of places!:

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/author/muffywilson
Ganxy:    https://ganxy.com/i/97419/muffy-wilson/memories-kissesXinXii:    http://www.xinxii.com/en/memories-and-kisses-p-355588.html Kobo:      http://store.kobobooks.com/en-US/ebook/memories-kisses iTunes:    https://itunes.apple.com/au/book/memories-and-kisses/id924012792 Memories & Kisses has three stories of old loves remembered; a grieving woman rescued from the sea, two childhood friends growing old friendship into passionate loving, and two long separated teenagers finding that time has mellowed them both and maturity has brought a passionate intensity they had never imagined. All three stories are of rekindled love that survived decades of longing and is now ready to burst into flame.  I won't lie, I copied that all directly from her blog post about it, which you should check out because she has a lot more information about the book if you want to know more about it before you buy. =)  What's going on with me this weekend?  From Terra Ch. 11 just came out on Literotica!  As I said (because some people have already asked), Lord Plath isn't back yet... but he will be for Chapter 12 =)  And hopefully I'll get The Venus School all prepped for it's re-release so that my next release blog will be about my own book! =D

Re-Vamping Venus

YAY!

So, I've been getting some help with my earlier books... The Venus Rising Quartet being the major ones at the moment.  A wonderful woman is editing them as I write this, and she's already finished two of them, so I've just gotta go through and make all the changes and get them formatted and then I'm going to slowly start re-releasing them.  I was thinking about trying to do them all at once, but I think it's best if I just get t hem out there as fast as I can.

The other cool thing is that they're going to have new covers!  RaineyCloud9, who has started doing my covers ever since Stronghold, has re-done the Venus covers and they are soooooooo pretty it slays me.  For an example, here's the new cover for The Venus School:

Freaking love it!  So thanks to these two fabulous women, we're going to have some updated / redone Venus Rising Quartet soon.  I'm hoping to get The Venus School uploaded to Amazon by Sunday so that it'll be out as early as Monday.  For those of you who already own it, don't worry, there's no need to repurchase.  I think the new version should be automatically downloaded to your reading device, as long as you have the old version still on there.  If no, then (I know for Amazon) you can delete it from your device, go to the website, go to "Manage Content and Devices," search for The Venus School and re-download it, and that will get you the new version (once it's out).  I'll make an announcement once it's available on all the markets.

I'm also going to be taking this opportunity to get books 3&4 out in paperback =)  Which, again, more formatting.  ACK! lol.  Worth it though.  Once they're all out in paperback, I'll probably hold some kind of contest for getting the autographed set.

Also this weekend, keep an eye out... I submitted Chapter 11 of From Terra last night, so hopefully it'll be out sometime this weekend or early next week =)  No, Lord Plath hasn't returned... yet... but I think the chapter's a lot of fun anyway.  And he'll be back in Ch. 12!

Almost Forgot...

So between being busy and being sick, I almost forgot I have a blog! LOL

Bad Angel.

Plus, I've been taking a bit of a break from doing anything mentally taxing now that Claiming His Wife is out.  Of course I've been doing a little bit of writing, but definitely not at the rate I was doing to get that book out on time.  I needed a bit of a mental break.

I have gotten started on Mastering Lexie though.  I'm almost done with the second chapter and it's already more than 15K words.  Woot!  So that's something.  I always have a bit of a slow ramp up before my writing pace really picks up at the beginning of a book.  I think it's because everything's still kind of percolating in my head and the characters are still developing.   The second half of a book always comes out of me MUCH faster than the first half.

Especially this book, because I'm dealing with a cliche subject (best friend's little sister romance) and I don't want it to be cliche.  Or, at least, not too cliche, although some are hard to avoid.  That's one of my big things though, is I'll read books that deal with these kinds of subjects and I get super annoyed about the cliches that are used.  Like, whenever there's a guy who digs his best friend's little sister, she's always super innocent / naive / likely either a virgin or has never been with a guy that actually managed to make her orgasm, and he's always a super experienced player who is trying to resist temptation because he doesn't actually think he's good enough for her and knows his friend also doesn't think he's good enough for her.

So going into Mastering Lexie, I already know that Lexie is not a virgin.  She's had good sex before. She's definitely not innocent although she might be just a little bit naive.  And while she's inexperienced when it comes to BDSM, she has experimented a bit with her previous boyfriends.  Patrick is definitely not a player.  He doesn't flaunt other women in front of her and hurt her feelings / use women to try and replace her.  He's a good guy and he wants a relationship.  He's just not sure he can have one with her, and it's not because he thinks he's not good enough for her.  Although I won't get into the reasons on here, because I don't want to give away too much of the book =)

But yeah.  One of the things that I love about writing is "fixing" the things about other books that bother me LOL.   I want my characters to be realistic.  Andrew's really the only player character that I have, and that's going to cause some trouble for him eventually.  I'm really not into the whole "players are sexy" and the idea that the right woman will make them change.  It'll be interesting.  Personally, I'm looking forward to seeing him get schooled a bit, although that's not going to happen for a while.  But that's a tease to look forward to!

Anyway.  That's what's going on with me!  Fairly immersed in the Stronghold world right now.  I'm also doing a little bit of work on the Marriage Training book.  I might be changing the name of it just to differentiate it from the Lit story.  We'll see.  And I'm working on getting the Venus Rising Quartet edited so that it can be re-released with new covers (thanks to RaineyCloud9 who has done some gorgeous work on them!).

From Terra Ch. 10

Alrighty!  From Terra Ch. 10 is now out on Literotica =)  I'm having fun getting creative with the alien clients and stuff.  Don't worry, Lord Plath will be back eventually, but in the meantime there's going to be others! 

Thank you soooooooooooo much to everyone who has already left reviews for Claiming His Wife!  It seems like people are enjoying the wrap up which makes me feel good =)  I still kind of can't believe it's over, but it also feels REALLY good to have completed my first quartet that was completely stand alone and had nothing to do with anything on Literotica!  Check out the blog post below if you need a link to it for Amazon, Barnes & Noble or Smashwords. 

Anyway... not much else to talk about at the moment honestly.  I'm feeling utterly exhausted.  I don't know why but I've been having major trouble sleeping lately.  I've been doing a lot of reading, which doesn't help, because I have trouble falling asleep unless I finish the book.  And god forbid that the book be part of a series! LOL.

Gonna be working hard on Mastering Lexie this week, as well as From Terra.

The next projects I have coming up (other than ML) are:

the book version of Marriage Training

releasing edited versions of the Venus Rising Quartet with new covers

a new Dark Angel book - futuristic and fetish-based (human cow fetish)

So that's what's going on with me now that DD is done!!! 

Happy Release Day! - Claiming His Wife

This is the fourth and final book in the Domestic Discipline Quartet.

Alex has made a lot of mistakes, but he is determined to reconcile with his estranged wife, Grace. He's willing to put their past problems where he thinks they belong - in the past - but insults and disrespect will be met with discipline. He's seen the marriages his friends have, and decided to take a page from their books. Unfortunately for him, Grace is not so willing to let go of past hurts, although she has no choice but to go with him when he basically kidnaps her and takes her to Bath. At least her friends are there for moral support, while she does her best to discover exactly why her husband is so intent on reconciliation rather than divorce.

Hugh and Irene are blissfully happy, having declared their love for each other, but they seem to be the only ones. Eleanor is pregnant and worried that her condition will mean the end of overt affection and desire from her husband - especially as he hasn't declared any kind of finer feelings for her. She thinks Edwin doesn't realize she's with child, and worries over how to prod a declaration from him. Meanwhile, everyone is gathered in Bath for Wesley's wedding to the brazen and rebellious Cynthia.

When these four women get together, it's no wonder that both trouble and bright red bottoms loom on the horizon. Each of their husbands is bound and determined to claim and tame his willful wife.

This books contains adult situations, including spankings, whippings, backdoor play, and explicit scenes. Rated sizzling!   We're still waiting for Barnes & Noble, but Claiming His Wife is now available on both Amazon and Smashwords =)  YAY!  I hope you enjoy it!  If you have a minute once you finish reading, reviews are ALWAYS much appreciated!  I read all of them.  And this is my first ever full series that has absolutely no connection to Literotica, so it's kind of special to me =)

From Terra Ch. 9

Now that I'm done with Claiming His Wife (other than editing), I managed to finish the next chapter of From Terra =) It was fun getting back to Chryssa.  Especially because that storyline is a lot more restful on my brain, since it's not very complicated at all! LOL. 

Otherwise... just getting down on the editing so that Claiming His Wife will be out on Friday September 26 =)

Announcements

Claiming His Wife is done and has entered the editing phase.  Thanks to the contest I held last month, I have more feedback from beta readers than ever before, so I think the editing / revising is going to take me a bit longer than usual.  I'm setting September 26, 2014 as the release date.  One of these days, I'm going to figure out how to make books available for pre-order on Amazon.  *sigh*

Another chapter of From Terra has been finished and will be submitted tonight.  I know it's been a while, that's because 99% of my focus has been on Claiming His Wife.

Next up on the docket is Mastering Lexie.  Soooo excited about this one, but also feeling the pressure because I know a lot of people have been anticipating the showdown between Patrick and Lexie and I really want to, at the very least, meet those expectations.  I'm really excited about it.

I've definitively decided on the order for the Stronghold books following Mastering Lexie.

3.5 - Leigh's Novella - Broken
4 - Jared's book - Breaking the Chain
4.5 - Angel & Adam's novella - Surprising the Sub
5 - Andrew's book - Bound to the Past
5.5 - Jessica, Justin & Chris novella - Three Vows
6 - Michael's book
7 - Olivia's book

It's possible Rick & Maria will also get a novella, in between Michael & Olivia, but I haven't decided yet.  I'm not sure what I'd write for them, so that's still up in the air.  However... release dates?  I'm not sure.  I'd like to get out Mastering Lexie a bit before Christmas.  Broken I'm going to be aiming for March.

In between those will be Marriage Training (yay, gonna finish writing the book version!) around Valentine's Day.  If you've read the Literotica version than you know the basic story line, but I'm going to go a bit more in depth with some of the other characters that Vivian interacts with, like the other school girls.  She's got a best friend.  There's also some stuff going on behind the scenes with Honoria and Doctor Banks, which I didn't get into during the Literotica story.  There will also be a lot more of Gabriel's family and seeing him at home while Vivian's in training.  Probably the biggest thing will be the chapters that I'm putting at the end, which will continue the story past their wedding and into their home.  Not too many chapters, but a few =)

I might go straight into the Society of Sin series, which will be set in Gabriel's world, although the stories will revolve around relationships that are already set by the time Marriage Training starts.  That of his step-mother and his sisters.  However, there's also a quartet that I want to write for my Dark Angel penname that I've started to work on a bit and I might take a break from the Victorian era and write those first.  They're going to be fetish books - breast milk, age play, puppy play and pony play.  I've been wanting to do more with Dark Angel and just haven't really had the time.  This quartet will be set in the future, so it might be a nice break from the Victorian age for a bit.

So yeah.  I think that's all the announcements that I have at the moment!  Looking forward to next Friday and finally releasing Claiming His Wife!

Self-Publishing

With me desperately trying to finish the last book of the Domestic Discipline Quartet, Claiming His Wife, this seemed as good a time as any to talk about self-publishing =)

Literotica.com was the first place I started writing, and I learned a lot in the earlier years from the feedback I got on there, as well as comparing myself to other authors on  the site.  Once I got a Kindle, I had even more authors I could compare myself to, judge their writing styles and see what I liked and didn't like about their writing, adapting that mentality to my own stories.

A couple of summers ago, I wrote The Venus School of Sex for Literotica, and I got a HUGE fan reaction.  Not just about whether people wanted Jessica to choose Justin or Chris or both (and I loved the comments about that), but people asking if I published for Kindle and telling me that if I didn't, I should because they would buy it.  I had just recently got a Kindle at the time, and so I could see the appeal.  Having the stories to carry around with you, no need for internet connection, all in one place... so I said okay.  I'll go ahead and try that.

It only took me a little bit of researching using Google and the Amazon site to figure out that it's incredibly easy to publish there.  You have to have an account, and then you go to kdp.amazon.com and it basically gives you step by step directions in there to publish the book.  The hardest part is actually formatting the book, and they have this awesome free e-book called "Building Your Book for Kindle" available.  I read through it, and then the first ten or so times that I published a book, I went step by step through the directions.  Now I've basically got them down and I only need to re-check them once in a while.

I said "the hardest part."  I lied.  That's just the hardest part of making the book available.  The hardest part is getting people to read it.  I've talked to other authors who are self-published and we pretty much all agree - marketing is a bitch.  I'm lucky.  I'm not trying to make this my main source of income and I came with a built-in fan base, thanks to all of you lovely people from Literotica who kept encouraging me to publish.  That meant that people bought my book AND wrote reviews for it from the very beginning.  That's HUGE in the self-publishing world, reviews are incredibly important, even if you're not trying to make this your MAIN source of income.  If you want any modicum of success, you need reviews and you need them to be positive.

When I say I'm lucky, I mean that.  I've had wonderful luck with beta readers who are happy with being rewarded with free copies of the book and who give me fantastic feedback.  I've had several offers for editing that have come and gone, but I seem to have finally picked one up that's around to stay, and so I'm hoping Claiming His Wife is going to be as close to error free as I've ever gotten on a first go-round.  She's also been helping me with editing the Venus Rising Quartet so that I can re-release them, with new covers by RaineyCloud9.  Also super lucky that she found me and wanted to help to covers, because I have NO IDEA how I would have found someone as talented as her if I'd been left to my own devices.  I probably would have continued putting out the same kind of covers I always had.  During this past year, I was also contacted by Yellow Silk Dreams, which is an author-based publishing company, and they've been wonderful about helping me get into new markets, and about doing the print books for me.  As soon as I'm done revising the Venus Rising Quartet and have the new covers and everything, I'm going to release the whole quartet in print.  YAY!

But when I started off, I didn't have any of those things (except an awesome beta reader, Queenie, who has been with me from the beginning), so it was really thanks to the supportive fans who wrote the initial reviews that things went well for me.  Now I also publish on Smashwords and for the Nook, both of which require different formats from the Kindle.  It's a bit of a pain in the butt, and neither of those have been as successful as Amazon, but that's okay.  I have had some experience with publishers wanting to publish my stuff, and then getting screwed over in one way or another.  It's made me very cautious.  Yellow Silk Dreams has been great so far, which is awesome, because my first experiences made me pretty sketched out.  There are a LOT of small publishers out there.  I was thinking about submitting some stuff through Blushing Books or Ellora's Cave, but so far I've been happy just doing my own thing, and those initial publishers made me leery enough that I haven't got around to it.  I'm not sure I would do any better going through one of them anyway.

One day, if I could make this my primary source of income, that would be AMAZING.  Until then... it's a lot of fun.  Some months are better than others.  And I love the feedback and attention that the books get.  It's extremely gratifying in a way that I don't get to experience otherwise.  I'm a bit of an attention whore, so this feeds a need for me =P

So yeah.  If you're wondering how the writing's going with Claiming His Wife... I'm almost done with the last chapter and then I just have the epilogue and then a crap-ton of editing.  I'm aiming to have the writing portion done by the end of this week and the editing done by the end of next week... I'll keep you all updated =)

#Why I Stayed

With Ray Rice and his wife in the news, people are paying more attention to domestic abuse than ever before.  I think that's a good thing in a lot of ways, but in others, it's not so good.  People don't have a lot of sympathy for her, because she's sticking by her man, but honestly, unless you've been through something similar, I don't know that anyone could understand.  There seems to be this mistaken impression that abusers are awful from the beginning of the relationship, that there's this clear cut signal of "it's time to get out."

If only life were so easy.  Because there are people out there, men and women, who in a fit of anger, will hit or slap their partner, once, and be horrified by their actions.  They will seek help.  They will realize what they are capable of and they will make a vow never to do it again.  They will keep that vow.  And their apologies and promises sound just like an abuser's.

Also, most relationships don't start out as abusive.  It starts with two people getting to know each other.  The abuser is usually charming.  Suave.  Maybe alpha, but that's hot, right?  They can be incredibly caring.  They listen, they get to know their partner inside and out.  When they get angry, they don't come out swinging the very first time.  They don't necessarily choose the "weak" woman.

I can't tell you how many times I've had an argument turned around on me.  I was mad that he was late, but he was only a little late.  Why can't I be more understanding?  Why am I so inflexible?  I was mad that he was flirting with another woman.  Why did I think he was flirting?  Why am I so untrusting?  Don't I know that he loves me and only me?

He was mad I wanted to go out with my friends.  But not because he's trying to control me, no.  He just wants more time with me.  We don't really get that much quality time, don't I want to spend the night alone with him?  Don't I want a romantic dinner?  So I tell my friends I can't go and he spends the night showering me with attention.  Cooks me dinner.  Does the dishes.  Massages my shoulders, pampers me, cuddles me, makes love to me.

The slide from what's normal in a relationship to what's unhealthy is so slow.  It can take months, even years.  Friends might notice, but by the time they start speaking up, there's an insidious voice inside of your head.  They don't understand.  They don't see how sweet he is when you're alone.  Sure they miss you, but that's part of being in a relationship, right?  You don't have as much time for your friends.  They're just jealous that they're not getting as much of you're time, it's not that he's taking up too much of it.  Because that's stuff that happens in normal life.

And you're a strong woman.  You know you are.  So you push a little bit, to prove to your friends that he's not like that.  You insist he let you go out.  Of course you can, he would never stop you from doing what you want to do.  He just thought you wanted to spend the time with him, the way he wanted to spend the time with you.  He just wants you to be happy, it doesn't matter if he feels neglected, he's a man, he'll get over it.  The words, the hurt look revolve around your brain, the entire time you're out with your friends, making you feel guilty and miserable, making you question how real of friends they can be when they're being so selfish and unsympathetic to the fact that you're in a loving relationship with a man that's crazy about you.  So you go home.  You apologize for neglecting him.

And he's so sweet about it, he's so generous, he's just happy you're home with him, and he cuddles you and tells you how much he missed you.

Sometimes.  Sometimes the homecoming is different.  He's resentful.  Sulking.  You coax him out of his bad mood.  Tell him how much you missed him, how you prefer being at home with him.  Eventually he accepts your apology, he cuddles and loves you possessively, making you feel safe and wanted and like he'll never let you go - and that's the dream, isn't it?

The sulking starts happening more and more often when you don't do what he wants.  It's easier to give in.  After all, you want to spend time with him too.  Everything is so much nicer, so much happier when he gets what he wants, and it's not that different from what you want.  You tell your friends you want to stay home with him.  You get annoyed and angry with the petty jealousy of the ones who don't understand, who say nasty things about the man you love, the man who loves you to distraction.  Some of your friends have been just as charmed by him as you are, but they're starting to get a little worried.  Still, it's your life and they let you do what you want.  Those are the friends you feel most comfortable with now.

You never even realize how easily you've slipped into the pattern of doing what he wants, because it's what you want too.  Problems don't arise until you start trying to change that pattern.  Missing your friends, wanting to go out with them... and suddenly it's a major problem.  You point out how much time you've spent with him, and he takes it as proof that he loves you more than you love him.  Fine, go, get out, if you don't want to spend time with him, he doesn't want to spend time with you.  The arguments rise, get more heated every time.  He vents his frustration, stomping around, screaming in your face.  It frightens you and you cry.

He demands that you stop crying, stop trying to make him feel guilty with your tears.  Is that what you're doing?  You're not that manipulative, are you?  So you choke down the tears and the argument winds down as you apologize for making him feel that way, of course you're not trying to make him feel bad, of course you love him.  Maybe you stay in, maybe you go out, it's unclear who won.  You talk to your best friend about it and she points out that he's the one being manipulative.  Immediately you feel defensive, even as you wonder if she's right.  But you defend him, tell her how he didn't mean it that way, tell her that he's just used to getting his way, and it's your fault because you usually let him have it.  You realize how true that is, how much of his behavior is your doing, because you knew it would upset him when you did it.  You pushed him into the screaming match, into getting in your face.  And then you cried, even though you knew, deep down, that it would probably upset him too.

The next time you fight, you feel the need to cry, and you start to flee, not liking how he's screaming in your face, not wanting to cry again.  He grabs your wrist, won't let you go.  Tells you that you need to finish the argument, that you can't just run out on him, that you need to work things out with him... he can't let you go until you've worked things out.  His grip tightens as you try to pull away and you finally say "You're hurting me!"  Immediately his grip loosens, but he doesn't let go completely.  He wants to work things out with you.  HAS to work things out with you and now he's afraid that you're going to leave him if he lets you go.  It's just like out of those romance novels that you read, the ones with the controlling, alpha males that are so sexy.  Except, somehow, it's not sexy.  It's kind of scary, but you're soothed by his desire to work things out.  It's your fault for trying to run out the door anyway.  You shouldn't have tried to run away.

When you tell your best friend about it, she says something about how he's abusive.  You tell her no, you tell her it was your fault, that you shouldn't have tried to run away.  It's not like he hit you, or even bruised you.  He just held your wrist.  It got a little red.  That's not abuse.  You would never allow yourself to be abused.  You are a strong woman.  If he ever hit you, you would be out of there, no matter how much you love him.

The next time you fight, he stomps, he roars, he throws things.  Not at you, just near you.  You're furious, you yell at him to stop or you're leaving.  The next thing you know, he's beside you, holding your wrist again.  Why would you threaten him like that?  Are you trying to hurt him?  No, you just don't want him to throw things.  Then why are you making him so angry?  Why are you being so selfish?  Dammit, don't cry, he's not falling for that guilt trip, why would you even try to do that?  I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, you shout, I'm just upset!  He holds you.  Apologizes.  Pulls you down on the couch, on his lap, wraps his arms around you and tells you how sorry he is.  How much he loves you.  You couldn't get up if you tried... but why would you want to right now when he's being so sweet?

Not all the arguments are like this, and it's not like you argue all the time, but it does seem like they're getting worse and more frequent.  But the rest of the time he's wonderful.  Giving.  Thoughtful. Sweet.  Charming to your friends, even when they act like suspicious bitches to him.  Screw them anyway, for being so rude.  So petty.

The next argument you tell him you need to take a walk.  You're just so tired of arguing, you want to give both of you time to calm down.  He becomes frantic, insisting that you work things out, blocking your way to the door.  It makes you angry and you try to push past him,  He grabs you, holding you, and you scream at him, trying to get away, and he wrestles you down to the floor.  Holds you there, until you promise that you won't try to walk out again, that you'll stay and work things out.  That's all he wants, is to work things out, he doesn't understand why you don't want that too, why you'd try to leave him.  You're slightly bruised, but you know it's your fault.  You shouldn't have tried to leave.  You shouldn't have provoked him like that.  You knew how much it would hurt him.  Besides, if you hadn't tried to fight him, he wouldn't have pushed you to the floor.

You've been telling your best friend less and less about your fights, knowing what her response will be.  Knowing that you'll end up having to defend him, because she just doesn't understand.  She won't be reassuring, she'll just make things in your head worse.  But you're going to show them.  All of them. They think he's a bad guy, but he's not; he loves you.  They'll realize that one day and they'll all realize how wrong they were about him.  He's not abusive.  You would be out the door if he was.

The next time you argue, you want to leave so badly and the anger just builds up inside of you.  Like he can guess what you're thinking, he blocks the route to the door again, and you try to slap him.  Knowing that he'll stop you.  Knowing that he'll catch your arm.  It's not hot like it is in the books though.  He catches your wrist and won't let go, screaming in your face.  You can't blame him.  After all, you did just try to slap him.  You try to get away and he tightens his grip.  It hurts.  This time when you tell him, he doesn't loosen his grip, he just glares at you and reminds you that you just tried to slap him - no he's not letting go.  Definitely your own fault.  Why the hell did you have to do that anyway?  Were you trying to provoke him into hitting you?  Trying to make him so angry that he would lash out violently?  What the hell is wrong with you?

You tell your best friend about that, because you want her to understand that it's not just him that gets so frustrated that he lashes out.  You did it too, even though you knew he would stop you from actually slapping him.  She's more concerned than ever, but accepts your reassurances.  Tells you that you deserve better.  But you want him.  The grass is always greener on the other side, but if you deserve whatever you want, then you should have what you want, and HE is what you want.

More fights.  Both of you hold back physically, but everything else is worse.  The screaming.  The insults.  One day, you get up in his face, and he raises his hand in the air, and you realize that you've done it... you've finally pushed him too far.  You fall to the ground, screaming "Don't hit me."  You're curled in front of him on the ground and all of the sudden he drops down on top of you, his voice nearly as frightened as your own as he says "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again.  He's horrified.  He holds you as you cry.  Tells you it will never happen again, that he never would have done it.  You tell him that if he ever actually hits you, you're gone.

The next day, he tells you he called an abuse hotline, he wanted to talk to someone about what he can do... they recommend anger management classes.  He's told his best friends, who tell you that they have your back, that they would kick his ass if he ever actually hit you.  The fights stop.  But over the next few weeks, you realize that the fights have stopped because you're giving in to everything again.  You bicker with him, he accuses you of picking fights.  That might be true... you might be testing him.  Why are you such an awful person?  Why do you have to test him like that?  Why can't you just believe him?

By the time a few months have passed, you're brutally confused.  You want to trust him.  You believe he loves you.  You still love him.  But you're back to giving him everything he demands, because you're afraid to get into another fight.  No, he didn't hit you, but you're starting to realize the things he did do.  The ways he manipulated you.  That the shoving, the holding you down, the grabbing your wrist... those things were physical.  Those things hurt you. And he did them again and again and again.  You talk about that with him.  He says it will never happen again.  Promises.

You decide you need space.  You give him back his ring.  Tell him you need time and space to think.  He's upset, but he gives it to you.  Calls every day.  Shows how much he cares.  How much he loves you.  You end up getting back together two weeks later.  Things have definitely changed.

Now he doesn't fight with you at all.  It's as if he's gone cold instead of hot, holding everything inside.  He's practically indifferent to you, what you do, where you go, who you're with.  None of that seems to matter to him.  You don't feel loved any more. Not at all. Not even a little.  Not the way you used to.  He proves that to you six months later when he tells you he's not in love with you anymore four days after your six year anniversary.

So that's my story.  He eventually apologized, a few years later, for everything that he put me through.  He's got a new girlfriend that he's been with for years.  As far as I know, he's never come close to physically abusing another woman.  As far as I know, he never subjected them to the mental or verbal abuse that I went through either.  I truly believe he never realized he was abusive, I truly believe he never meant to be.  I still blame myself for letting him "get away" with as many things as he did.  I know a lot of it was my fault, although when I was in the relationship I didn't see any other option... because there wasn't.  But we'd been together for four years before things started to go downhill.

I am 100% aware that if it wasn't for my best friend, I may have ended up with him.  She was my rock.  She never blamed me for staying with him, she always listened without judgment when I needed an ear, and even though she constantly told me that I deserved better, she was always there for me no matter how many times he hurt me.  She encouraged me to stand up to him, to demand better from him, but she never made me feel like less of a person for putting up with what I did.  Other friends distanced themselves, told me that they couldn't stand by and watch what he was doing to me... it was the least helpful thing they could have done.  I was already having enough trouble maintaining connections.  It wasn't tough love to me, even after I realized that it wasn't because they were jealous of my amazing relationship, I saw it as them not caring enough to stick by me.  They were too involved with themselves, they didn't want to deal with my "drama."  I am no longer friends with any of them.  Their ultimatum broke that.

I remember one time, he told me that he didn't like my best friend because he didn't think she was a good influence on me.  I told him too bad.  I clung to her, because she was the only one who was really there for me.  If he'd ever managed to sever our relationship, if she had ever given up on me, I would not be where I am today.

I remember so many things.  Like, how I knew the relationship was downsliding.  I kept telling both myself and my best friend that if he ever hit me, I'd be gone.  I should have realized then that just thinking about that was a bad sign, because I was considering the fact that he could actually do it.  I knew he could.  I knew it was headed that way, even if I didn't admit it to myself at the time.

But I also remember how sweet and thoughtful he could be.  How genuine.  How fun and funny.  He made me laugh when I was sad, held me when my grandmother died, held me again when one of my friends died of stomach cancer, made me a bundle of balloon flowers when he was at work making balloon animals for kids because he couldn't afford to buy my real flowers... If I ever asked for anything, for my birthday or Christmas, I got it.  He knew what my favorite books were, he would buy me new ones for presents.  He gave me the Evenstar from Lord of the Rings for Christmas.  Sent me flowers at school on our anniversary.  Called me every single night before we moved in together and refused to be the first one to hang up the phone because he didn't want to "miss a moment" of me.

Those were the things I remembered, that I couldn't let go of when things started to go downhill.  Because every relationship has good days and bad days.

We are still friendly.  Which I'm sure some of you might judge me for, but we were together for six years.  His best friends are my best friends.  We're in the same wedding party next year, for one of the guys who told him that he would kick his ass if he ever hit me.  My husband is in the wedding party too.  I don't have any romantic feelings for him anymore, thank goodness.  The whole "you never get over your first love" bs?  ha, yeah, def over him.  But I still care about him, still want him to be happy in life, I just never want him to be anything more than a friendly acquaintance with me ever again.  Some people might think I'm stupid for thinking that he's changed.  I know I feel stupid for not getting out sooner.  But it was so hard to give up all the time I'd put into that relationship.  Even harder to admit to my friends that they were right and I was wrong.  Hardest of all, to admit to myself that I'd been emotionally and verbally abused.  Because I didn't want to be that woman.  I didn't want to be weak and stupid.

Now I know that it's not about being weak and stupid.  I know that it's not about being independent.  I know that it's not about whether or not he actually hits you.  Every relationship is different.  No one on the outside of the relationship can really say what it's about, looking.  So that's why I don't judge Ray Rice's wife.  Do I think she should get out?  Absolutely.  But maybe she's one of the lucky ones and that was the one and only time he did it and he really will never do it again.  For her sake, I hope that's true.  I doubt it is, but I hope, for her and her kid's sake.  I worry that it will be even harder for her to get out of the relationship now that she's in the spotlight, I worry about her measure of pride because I know mine took a brutal beating when I finally had to admit what my relationship was and what I had become.

So that is why I stayed.  I wish I could that's why I left too, but honestly, even when he told me he wasn't in love with me and he broke up with me, it took meeting, dating and falling in love with hubby for me to finally let go of my dreams of getting back together with the ex.  I like to think that I would have never allowed him to go down that path again, if we had gotten back together, that I would get out sooner if I saw we were headed back to the darkness, but honestly, I don't know.  Which is kind of scary.