Ian McClellan's Blog, page 3
September 30, 2012
Five-star Reviews, Literature, and Zombie Books
A guy at work told me he went on Amazon and purchased my book since it is
now available in paperback. Keep in mind that I’m a local delivery truck driver
and we’re not a bunch of kindle-wielding alpha readers. He kind of threw me
through a loop when he said he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to read it, “since it
had all those great reviews.”
I wish he had taken a picture- I’m sure the look on my face was priceless.
“That doesn’t make sense, buddy. Why wouldn’t you be able to read it?”
“Well, I read a little, but I never could follow, like…” he spent a few
seconds searching for the word, “…literature.”
Another Kodak moment before I burst out laughing. “Good Lord, man. I don’t
write anything that could be described as literature.” It’s not that I can’t,
it’s just that I’m incapable. I assured him that Zombie/Apocalypse 2012: A
Political Horror Story is hardly Hamlet or The Great Gatsby or even The Great
Gatsby…With Zombies (hmmm…note to self- no, that’s just dumb- scratch that) and
tried to explain the way books are reviewed by Amazon readers.
“It’s a lot different than the way a critic would review a novel. It’s more
about the reader’s initial expectations and how much they enjoyed reading
something.” He seemed much more at ease with the task of reading my book after
that explanation.
The conversation got me thinking about how most people see reviews. This
may come as a shock to some folks, but the average person doesn’t tear through a
couple of books a week. Those that do should understand how reviews work. Some
don’t, and I see their asinine reviews from time to time.
“This book was trash, just like every other splatter-punk (or vampire
romance or whatever) book I’ve ever read.” Really, dumbass. This genre is
clearly not for you. Go read something you enjoy instead of picking up a ninth
book that you know you’re going to hate.
Jack-offs like that aside, most of us that read a lot or write
professionally (or semi-professionally) realize that five stars on Amazon
doesn’t necessarily mean a book is The Grapes of Wrath. If you fall into one of
those categories this post isn’t really for your benefit. For the occasional
reader- understand that as the book business has become more of an online
industry, book reviews have evolved into a very different animal than they once
were. Don’t just look at how many stars a book has. Read the reviews- the good
ones and the bad ones- and you’ll get a lot more of a feel for where the
reviewer is coming from and how it may relate to your own likes and dislikes.
There are readers who gave the Twilight books five stars and destroyed Dracula
in their reviews. Does that mean New Moon was a great book and Dracula was
unreadable trash? No. Obviously and emphatically no. It simply means those
particular people enjoyed New Moon and didn’t really dig Bram Stoker’s
classic.
I hope this helps you pick your next book to get lost in. Please do so
sooner than later and try to make it an independent book. In the meantime, I’m
going to go get started on Tom Joad- Werewolf Slayer and will let you all know
when I have a release date.
now available in paperback. Keep in mind that I’m a local delivery truck driver
and we’re not a bunch of kindle-wielding alpha readers. He kind of threw me
through a loop when he said he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to read it, “since it
had all those great reviews.”
I wish he had taken a picture- I’m sure the look on my face was priceless.
“That doesn’t make sense, buddy. Why wouldn’t you be able to read it?”
“Well, I read a little, but I never could follow, like…” he spent a few
seconds searching for the word, “…literature.”
Another Kodak moment before I burst out laughing. “Good Lord, man. I don’t
write anything that could be described as literature.” It’s not that I can’t,
it’s just that I’m incapable. I assured him that Zombie/Apocalypse 2012: A
Political Horror Story is hardly Hamlet or The Great Gatsby or even The Great
Gatsby…With Zombies (hmmm…note to self- no, that’s just dumb- scratch that) and
tried to explain the way books are reviewed by Amazon readers.
“It’s a lot different than the way a critic would review a novel. It’s more
about the reader’s initial expectations and how much they enjoyed reading
something.” He seemed much more at ease with the task of reading my book after
that explanation.
The conversation got me thinking about how most people see reviews. This
may come as a shock to some folks, but the average person doesn’t tear through a
couple of books a week. Those that do should understand how reviews work. Some
don’t, and I see their asinine reviews from time to time.
“This book was trash, just like every other splatter-punk (or vampire
romance or whatever) book I’ve ever read.” Really, dumbass. This genre is
clearly not for you. Go read something you enjoy instead of picking up a ninth
book that you know you’re going to hate.
Jack-offs like that aside, most of us that read a lot or write
professionally (or semi-professionally) realize that five stars on Amazon
doesn’t necessarily mean a book is The Grapes of Wrath. If you fall into one of
those categories this post isn’t really for your benefit. For the occasional
reader- understand that as the book business has become more of an online
industry, book reviews have evolved into a very different animal than they once
were. Don’t just look at how many stars a book has. Read the reviews- the good
ones and the bad ones- and you’ll get a lot more of a feel for where the
reviewer is coming from and how it may relate to your own likes and dislikes.
There are readers who gave the Twilight books five stars and destroyed Dracula
in their reviews. Does that mean New Moon was a great book and Dracula was
unreadable trash? No. Obviously and emphatically no. It simply means those
particular people enjoyed New Moon and didn’t really dig Bram Stoker’s
classic.
I hope this helps you pick your next book to get lost in. Please do so
sooner than later and try to make it an independent book. In the meantime, I’m
going to go get started on Tom Joad- Werewolf Slayer and will let you all know
when I have a release date.
September 16, 2012
Pill Mills and Legal Steroids
I’m not old. I’m only thirty-five, but some days I feel a little older than others. I recently visited one of Florida’s many “walk-in clinics” to discuss this fact with a medical professional. There are two questions that you may be asking yourself. The first is “Why not go see your regular doctor for that?” There’s a simple answer to that one- I don’t have a regular doctor. I haven’t been to a doctor in about eight years and can’t remember the name of the guy that I saw. The second question would be “Why is the term ‘walk-in clinics’ in quotation marks?” We’ll get to that answer shortly.
Sitting in the waiting room, I was surrounded by the most interesting collection of people that I’ve ever been around. None of them appeared to be sick or injured in any obvious way (to be fair, I suppose I didn’t either) A few of them were swatting at invisible flies or scratching non-existent rashes, and some of them stank of beer and B.O. I tried to ignore them all as best as I could while I skimmed through a very outdated Sports Illustrated with the headline ‘Browns Optimistic about Upcoming Season’. Well, maybe it wasn’t that outdated, but it was pretty old.
After about forty minutes I was called to the back and a nurse took my basics. My weight and blood pressure are up a little. Maybe I should get off the computer and move around every once in a while. I sat, without a magazine this time, for another twenty minutes before I saw the doctor. He walked in and got right down to business, asking me to be a little more specific about what was bothering me.
“I’m feeling kind of run down lately,” I told him. “It’s hard to be specific. I’m just a bit lethargic and sleeping more, but I’m not depressed or anything like that. I was thinking maybe some of those steroids that the insurance company pays for might make me feel a little better.”
The doctor went on to discuss the battery of tests involved before such treatment can begin, and some of the costs, which may or may not be covered by my insurance provider. I was kind of surprised by his answer, given the nature of his business. “You’re serious,” I asked him incredulously. “You wanna talk about doing a bunch of tests on me when you’re clearly running a pill mill. Hell, if I came in here and told you my back hurt, I’d walk out with my pockets stuffed full of OxyContin.”
The genuinely shocked look on his face made me wonder if he may have missed his true calling as an actor. The guy really looked as if I’d just slapped him. He told me he was running a legitimate medical facility and never prescribed anything that wasn’t “necessary and appropriate.”
“Sure buddy,” I told him, “and all those people scratching themselves raw in your waiting room have skin conditions. They’re not here because they’re junkies looking for a fix.” So, I got kicked out of a pill mill and I’m not welcome back. “I’m not a junkie- why would I come back?” I asked out in the waiting room. This got me some dirty looks from a few of the regulars.
I went home and made an appointment to see a real doctor. I suppose you have to see a real doctor to get real medical treatment. If you want to get a bunch of pills to snort or shoot or whatever it is that people do with those things go to a “walk-in clinic.” You’ll get plenty. Or you could get in touch with me, they gave me a bunch of OxyContin before they made me leave.
Sitting in the waiting room, I was surrounded by the most interesting collection of people that I’ve ever been around. None of them appeared to be sick or injured in any obvious way (to be fair, I suppose I didn’t either) A few of them were swatting at invisible flies or scratching non-existent rashes, and some of them stank of beer and B.O. I tried to ignore them all as best as I could while I skimmed through a very outdated Sports Illustrated with the headline ‘Browns Optimistic about Upcoming Season’. Well, maybe it wasn’t that outdated, but it was pretty old.
After about forty minutes I was called to the back and a nurse took my basics. My weight and blood pressure are up a little. Maybe I should get off the computer and move around every once in a while. I sat, without a magazine this time, for another twenty minutes before I saw the doctor. He walked in and got right down to business, asking me to be a little more specific about what was bothering me.
“I’m feeling kind of run down lately,” I told him. “It’s hard to be specific. I’m just a bit lethargic and sleeping more, but I’m not depressed or anything like that. I was thinking maybe some of those steroids that the insurance company pays for might make me feel a little better.”
The doctor went on to discuss the battery of tests involved before such treatment can begin, and some of the costs, which may or may not be covered by my insurance provider. I was kind of surprised by his answer, given the nature of his business. “You’re serious,” I asked him incredulously. “You wanna talk about doing a bunch of tests on me when you’re clearly running a pill mill. Hell, if I came in here and told you my back hurt, I’d walk out with my pockets stuffed full of OxyContin.”
The genuinely shocked look on his face made me wonder if he may have missed his true calling as an actor. The guy really looked as if I’d just slapped him. He told me he was running a legitimate medical facility and never prescribed anything that wasn’t “necessary and appropriate.”
“Sure buddy,” I told him, “and all those people scratching themselves raw in your waiting room have skin conditions. They’re not here because they’re junkies looking for a fix.” So, I got kicked out of a pill mill and I’m not welcome back. “I’m not a junkie- why would I come back?” I asked out in the waiting room. This got me some dirty looks from a few of the regulars.
I went home and made an appointment to see a real doctor. I suppose you have to see a real doctor to get real medical treatment. If you want to get a bunch of pills to snort or shoot or whatever it is that people do with those things go to a “walk-in clinic.” You’ll get plenty. Or you could get in touch with me, they gave me a bunch of OxyContin before they made me leave.
June 9, 2012
Working for a living and writing for whatever the opposite of a living is.
So, I published my first novel this week. This may be hard for some people to believe, but I have not yet earned enough money to quit my day job. I started writing the book back in September of 2011 and the process nearly killed me. I drive a truck for a living and I'm not one of those truck drivers who sits behind the wheel all day. My job is very physical and the hours are long. I've spent nearly every available moment in the last nine months or so at my desk. I haven't been to the gym (I look terrible), I haven't played disc-golf (I wasn't going pro anyway), I've smoked way too many cigarettes and drank way too much coffee, and I've turned down many a date with beautiful, wealthy women who wanted to use me as their personal play-thing (sure I have). Of course, once I was done writing and editing, the pride and optimism I was feeling were squashed by the realization that converting Word to HTML was like trying to unpop popcorn. More desk time and more coffee and cigarettes. Anyway, it's done and I am proud of myself for the accomplishment. Throughout the process I have been on many writer's forums and blogs. It seems like I saw advice along the lines of "join a critique group" and "take some college courses" constantly. I'm sure it's great advice, but for a lot of folks it's just not realistic. I don't have time or money to take college courses (my dogs gotta eat). I don't have time to write blogs (another surprise- want to sell books? Write a blog) What I'd like to be doing right now is working on my next book, but I don't think that I can motivate myself to do so under the current circumstances. I'd love some feedback on this. Especially from folks who work a physically demanding job.
