Leta Blake's Blog, page 87

Hiding in Plain Sight

 

I’ve been thinking about my prior post regarding being in the closet about my writing. I realized that a lot of my life I’ve played a game of hiding in plain sight.

My father is a very demanding, critical person and most of my childhood I spent basically trying to be out of his line of vision. I had an older brother who was an athlete, so that made my goal of invisibility pretty easy. He got all the attention, all the criticism, and my father’s pretty sexist, so of course his focus was on his boy. It worked out well for me. I got to be a dreamer and avoided the whip (symbolic, not literal).

It worked in school, too. I was pretty enough and charming enough to go right under teachers’ radars. I didn’t shine and I didn’t fail. I perfected being overlooked. Teachers never remembered me from year to year. I got very good at not being memorable.

It worked in my culture. I was versed enough in Bible Belt stuff to know the “right” answers and good enough with words and language to say what someone wanted to hear without telling a lie. Someone would ask where I went to church and I’d say, “I grew up at First Pres downtown.” They assumed I still went there, and I didn’t lie about my church attendance.

I admit, I’m so used to hiding in plain sight that it has only just occurred to me that at times this might be the wrong thing to do. Not just cowardly, but actually wrong.

But I’ll tell you what, it’s damn safe.

It’s kept me safe for a long time.

So, yeah, that’s something to think about. It’s a habit and it’s been very adaptive for me. I wouldn’t be a writer now if I hadn’t been so good at hiding in plain sight. Then again…believing that you’re never going to be accepted for who you really are kind of sucks. Before I die, I’d like to live in the open.

I’m old enough now to give some thought as to how I should go about doing that.

Stalking Universe Thoughts

For the record, before making my decision that I can’t turn my back on 90s Coming of Age Novel again, I did have a read through the first half of the first draft of Stalking Novel the other night. I have to say, I’m relatively pleased. The pacing is off and will need worked out, but I knew that was a problem from the beginning and I’m basically fine with making those changes.

All in all, though, I’m happy. The characters remain likable, in my opinion, if not downright lovable, and that’s half the battle right there. I’m always more comfortable working out plot related issues when the characters really come alive for me and I feel them in my heart. It’s the books where the characters aren’t sparking off the page, where I can’t seem to wrap my heart and head around who they are that really become problematic in the editing, I think.

So, I’m happy with Stalking Novel. I feel like it will still happen this year, I hope, despite putting 90s Coming of Age Novel ahead of it. The characters of Stalking Universe are not at all upset with me for putting them on hold, so that’s another indication that I’m making the right choice.

In other news, I’ve really got to find a better place to work on writing. My set-up right now is sort of untenable and it’s probably not even physically healthy. I’ve got to figure that out sooner rather than later. Also, I need a lock on that damn door.

Am I An Ally If I’m In The Closet About My Writing?

This is something I’ve been giving a lot of thought to lately and I wanted to make a blog post about it. Bear with me, please, as I sort through these thoughts. I am not married to all of these thoughts. I’m putting them out here for discussion and to own my conflict. Your own thoughts would be lovely.

Facts about me:

1) I live in the South. As irritated as I get about stereotypes and prejudices about Southerners, it remains true that I live in the Bible Belt. The assumption that any given person I talk to on any particular day is Baptist and that they hold all of the beliefs of that tribe isn’t a poor assumption to make.

2) I am not a Christian. I grew up a Christian and considered myself one until I was in my late twenties. I have always been a spiritual person and most days I believe in God–kinda. I am versed enough in scripture to be able to have a conversation with a religious person without offending them. I’m also versed enough to debate their positions very easily and handily win (from my point of view, not usually from theirs). At this point in my life, I’m not sure that I believe in God. Some days I do, some days I don’t. Oddly enough, having a child and watching her grow was the thing that led to my biggest crisis in faith. I watched how she made up things to explain her world, and it was like seeing back in time to when humans made up their current belief systems. She, however, feels in touch with a God and spirit and I don’t argue that perspective with her. I very much miss fully believing in a God and look forward to maybe one day believing absolutely in a God again.

3) Going to church–any church–makes me believe in God less. So, we don’t go to church. For awhile, I was taking my daughter to an Episcopalian church, and we might do that again, mainly for cultural reasons. I felt that it was important that she have an understanding of the predominant faith of our culture, that it was important that if she ever attended church with a friend that she have some idea of how to behave there and what to expect, and that she be grounded in some of the most important symbolic teachings of our culture. Jonah and the whale, Moses and the Red Sea, Mary Magdalene, Judas and the 30 pieces of silver, etc, etc. But going to Church was making me very angry and making me believe less and less in any kind of God. It wasn’t that they were preaching things that were against my morals. Episcopalians are very open-minded folk for the most part. It was just…the ideas they were presenting about Jesus–this is the blood, this is the body–and the rest of it all seemed so incredibly fairy tale like while I was there that it escalated my crisis of faith. Attending church makes me nearly atheist. So, I quit taking her for now.

4) My husband is not a Christian and never, ever, ever goes to church. Ever. Like ever.

5) The above things make us suspicious to our neighbors and I can already see how it impacts how some of them allow their children to interact with us and my daughter. Down the street we have some very conservative Christian neighbors, the closest ones with children Bird’s age, and they allow Bird to play with their girls at their house only. It has led to some uncomfortable moments with Bird’s feelings being hurt that they won’t allow their girls to play at our house.

Part of me thinks that’s fine and good riddance. Part of me feels like it’s incredibly sad to see my child being shut out of people’s lives just because we aren’t Christian. Part of me feels angry. Part of me doesn’t care. Part of me cares a lot.

6) I write gay romance novels (as well as other things, but that’s what I’ve written the most at this point in my career). The why of that is incredibly long and complicated, so let’s just skip that for now. The end result is that I make a very tiny bit of money from these writings and I am not ashamed of what I write. My title for this post says that I am in the closet about my writing, but that’s not entirely accurate. My husband, my good friends, my parents, my in-laws, and my daughter all know that I write romances and that sometimes the characters are gay.

I am not, however, out of the closet about my books to extended family, most distant friends, or even on Facebook/Twitter/my blog with regards to putting a face with my pseudonym. I’ve posted pictures of my kid and husband and myself from behind or otherwise obscured, but I have not posted pictures of my face. I almost did yesterday. I uploaded one to FB of my new bangs. It was a picture that fully showed my face.

My good friend, Random, clicked like on the picture and I thought, “Okay, now, everyone of her friends, of which I have many in common, will see that this Leta Blake person looks a whole lot like their mutual pal, ME.” And then they’d have a look-see and they’d realize I’d written these books. And they’d see they were gay books. And they’d make assumptions. And they’d tell their friends, and they’d mention to other friends, and word would get around, and the next thing I know my kid’s not being invited to her best friends’ slumber parties because her mother writes gay (dirty gay!) books. So, I deleted it.

Here’s a truth, though: I’ve told enough people that I know the word has gotten around to a degree anyway. I’m not a fool. I know my good friends have told one or two of their good friends who probably mentioned it to a friend of theirs or two, and so far there haven’t been repercussions (much) that I know of.

And I’m glad for that. I don’t want repercussions for me or for Bird or for my husband.

7) READ EVERYTHING IN 6 ABOVE AND MARVEL AT HOW PRIVILEGED THAT ENTIRE THOUGHT PROCESS IS!

Because it is. I’m straight and white and married and living a very vanilla life and I get to “pass” in society as someone “respectable enough”. And not having any consequences (so far) associated with writing things that some aspects of society would consider perverted or wrong is very appealing to me and I don’t want to give that up.

At the same time, I’m making money from writing about gay lives. Granted not much, and granted I’m a decent ally, being vocal about gay rights, and I post publicly and often about that on FB under my real name and my pseudonym. I don’t keep my mouth shut when I see homophobia happening in my life and speak up about it to strangers, friends, and family. I support PFLAG and I donate my time, money, and voice to the cause of equality.

But here I am not being really honest about it, right? Here I am only doing what’s “safe”.

There are kids out there with two daddies or two mommies who are, every day, asked to be braver than I’m being daily about my writing. They go to school and they aren’t invited to slumber parties, or kids claim they can’t attend their birthday parties, because they have gay parents. From the outside, I can say, “Screw those families! Who needs that?” But here I sit not being honest about writing books with gay characters? Not being out and proud about that? Wow, hello Miss Privilege! Want a tiara to go with that?

So, I’m conflicted, people. I’ve got a child. She’s seven years old. She’s amazing and often lonely and I hate to see her rejected because people are prejudiced pieces of poo. But at the same time, why do I get to keep her all safe and cozy? Why do I get to take an easier route? Gay people are encouraged to come out every day to promote acceptance in society. I am thinking about what that means.

Those of you who encourage me to keep my mouth zipped, don’t worry. I’m not rushing out to scream in the streets, “I WRITE GAY BOOKS!!!!!” I’m thinking this through, though, and I wanted to acknowledge it. I wanted to open a discussion about it. Because as a mom, I’m conflicted. If it was just me–just me alone–I’d say “Fuck it, fuck them, and here we go. Full open honesty.” But it’s not just me here. My mama bear wants to protect her cub.

Tell me things, folks. Talk to me.

90′s Coming of Age Novel? You’re It, Baby.

So, here’s the thing. I’m not a monogamous writer. I’ve always got between eight and twelve works going at any particular time. Eventually, a time comes when I choose one to focus on and make it happen for real, for better or worse. The others drift along during that time, and I come back to them when I get the current favorite in the can. Sometimes that focus shifts back and forth for awhile, but eventually I do focus on one book until it is finished.

One book has been the book of my heart but also the book “least-likely-to” for quite a long time. Almost ten years in fact. At first, it was because there was simply no place to even begin to imagine submitting it to for publication. It’s a m/m coming of age novel featuring a lot of graphic sex. When I first started writing it, I was told time and again, “This would be a great Young Adult book if you took out most of the sex.” I was told, “This isn’t really publishable because it’s not a typical romance formula and people don’t want that.” I was told, “This is too long, no one wants to read a book this long.” I’ve been told many things over the years about this book by many, many, many people. Some of those people had incredibly helpful comments and the book is so much better for their input. Some other people’s comments mainly just stymied the book’s development because they led me to believe the book would never have a place in the world.

I still sometimes think this book won’t ever have a place in the world.

This brings us to my situation currently. Every year for the last three years I’ve gone to NYC to sit on my friend’s sofa in Brooklyn to work on 90s Coming of Age Novel for a week. Every year for the last three years, I’ve thought, “This is it! The final push! I can do this thing!” And every year the edits needed on the first half of the first draft have been extensive enough to preclude me ever getting to the second half of the first draft. (Yes, I have a completed first draft, but it needs work.) I’m finally incredibly and immensely satisified with the the first half of the book and am ready to focus on the second half.

Cue the Goodreads Love Has No Boundaries Event. I chose a prompt about a young man who has a history of being stalked by a stranger. I’d intended to write a short story for the event, but, holy smokes, it took off like wildfire and before I knew it, I had half a novel written. A novel I knew I’d have no way of finishing before the event deadline. So, I went back and wrote a short story set in the universe of the novel. It doesn’t fit the prompt exactly and that disappointed some people, but I knew I couldn’t get the book done in time. I didn’t want to return the prompt unfulfilled just because I knew there was no way I could get the novel done, so I compromised the best that I could. I’m happy to say that the prompter was satisfied, I believe.

All in all, I was very happy with how that story was received and people expressed a great deal of interest in the novel based on the prompt. That thrills me! The idea that there are a few people out there who are eagerly awaiting River’s full story really gets my heart going and makes me feel a bit verklempt! In the wake of this, I looked at 90s Coming of Age Novel and I said to it, “Baby, maybe you’ve got to wait a little longer. I think I need to write this book instead. It’s got an audience, you see, and we all know that the biggest problem with you is that…you don’t.”

So, I resigned myself to the fact that it still wasn’t 90s Coming of Age Novel’s time. It was apparently Stalker Universe’s time, and I told myself that I was okay with that. It was the smart move. It was the wise choice. It made the most sense. Why keep readers waiting? This was obviously the right decision to make. It still seems like the right decision to make.

But here’s the thing.

I can’t do it. I was driving back to the office after my lunch break and I felt like my heart was going to break. 90s Coming of Age Novel, Peter, Adam, Leslie, Daniel, Minty, Renee, and Barry were all just there looking at me with this betrayal on their face. They’ve been so patient, you see. They’ve let me take a really long time with them. They’ve waited while I had a baby and wrote nothing for three years. They’ve waited while I wrote fanfiction and they’ve waited while I wrote fairy tales and they’ve waited while I wrote half a post-apocalyptic novel, and while I wrote half of six other books, and four short stories, and, damn it, now I wanted them to wait again.

BUT YOU PROMISED!

They sat there in my head staring at me, but you promised, and yeah. I can’t do it to them. I can’t go to NYC and work on Stalking Universe when I’ve asked them to wait so many years. I promised them at the beginning of the year that this was their year. I promised them that 2013 was it and they wouldn’t have to wait anymore. No more being patient. No more waiting for just one more thing to come before them.

So, okay, 90s Coming of Age Novel. Okay, baby, this is it. Next week, it’s me, you, and NYC again. Don’t fail me. I’m counting on you to come through for me. If I’m making this choice, you’ve got to play your part, too.

Let’s do this thing.

The Only Real Advice You Can Give Anyone Is To Keep Writing ~ David Sedaris

Reblogged from Darker Temptations:

1. Keep the drama on the page.

I first heard this writing advice from a woman in a Writing Marathon Group. Essentially, the lesson here is to not let your life get so bogged down in drama that you don't have the emotional room or time to write. Don't lose your days to bullshit concerns like who said what to whom, or get dragged into making poor choices that end up giving you real life consequences that eat into your mind and erode your ability to get words on the page.

Read more… 839 more words

My post today at Darker Temptations with some advice on writing. Writing motivations are, of course, unique to each individual, so take from this bag of advice whatever works for you and discard the rest!

Same Song, Different Versions

The Original

The Killers

My Favorite

Writer Wednesday: Bread, Salt and Wine by Dev Bentham

Today we’re talking with Dev Bentham’s characters in her new book, Bread, Salt and Wine!

What are your names? And tell us a little about yourselves?

I’m George Zajac, L’Ouest’s new catering chef. It’s a second career for me. A few years ago I traded on Wall Street and had an apartment overlooking Central Park. That all went to shit, which is what it is. In Los Angeles no one really knows me and it’s better that way. There is this waiter, Kenny Marks, who… well, I like his company. I’m too messed up to get involved anyone, but I keep thinking maybe he’d go for a friends with benefits kind of thing.

How did you meet? Was it love at first sight?

We work together. And hell no, it wasn’t love at first sight. I don’t do relationships. Can’t. But Kenny’s a great guy. He’s smart and funny, sexy as hell, makes me feel good when I’m around him. But no, it’s not love.

What do you believe is your worst or most frustrating quality? What about his?

Ah shit, do I have to talk about this? Let me just say, I’ve got issues. Sexual issues. Let’s leave it at that. As for Kenny, the thing that frustrates me most about him is that he’s so out there. I mean, you wouldn’t need to spend two second with him to know he’s gay. Which is okay for him, but I don’t want anyone making assumptions about me because they’ve seen me with him. I don’t need to shout out to the whole world that I’m gay, okay? I mean, it’s none of their business, right?

What is your best quality? What about his?

My best quality? I don’t know, I’m good cook I guess.

Kenny, he’s the bravest man I’ve ever met.

If you could have one wish come true, what would it be and why?

That the nightmares would stop and I could be with someone like Kenny without breaking into a sweat or needing him to—that we could just be together like normal people. Like, well, lovers.

BUY BREAD, SALT AND WINE

***

Now, let’s talk to the author!

Dev, what other book/series would you compare your current offering to?

This is the fourth, and last, book in my Tarnished Souls series. Each story in the series highlights a particular Jewish holiday. They are all stand-alone novels, independent in that you can start anywhere in the series but linked by characters who float between books. For example, Kenny showed up as a childhood friend of the main character in Learning from Isaac and George employed the protagonist in Sacred Hearts and yet none of that history is important for understanding Bread, Salt and Wine.

What’s next for you?

What’s immediately next is that I have another story coming out next week from Amber Allure, Painting in the Rain, a novella set on the Oregon Coast. The story I’m working on right now involves a small town veterinarian, a big city artist and a bunch of dogs.

What was the hardest part of writing this book?

George had a terrible childhood. He wonders if perhaps some wounds never heal. And while George is a fictional character, far too many of us are wandering around with our own bleeding hearts. Thinking about that makes me sad.

***

Blurb:

Some wounds never heal. George Zajac grew up in a religious family with a father who beat “the swish” out of him. Now he’s a troubled man. At thirty-eight he moves across the country to start a new life in Los Angeles, working as the catering chef for a prestigious French Restaurant. Kenny Marks, a writer who’s currently waiting tables, is everything George cannot be—flamboyant, proud and sexually confident. Enthralled by Kenny, and against his own better judgment, George agrees to a date. Sparks fly. The sex is better than good. But even after the two get close, George remains crippled by humiliating sexual hang-ups. Still haunted by his childhood, he lingers in the closet and can’t commit to a relationship with Kenny. Love is the great healer, but is it enough? George’s emotional scars could drive Kenny away, and with him, George’s last chance at happiness.

BUY THE BOOK

Loose Id

Amazon

Find Dev on the web at http://www.devbentham.com, email her at devbentham@yahoo.com and follow her on twitter at @DevBentham.

New Cover! Love’s Nest!

Cover by Dar Albert.

I’m happy to present the cover for the upcoming fairy tale in Keira’s and my series! It’s a tale based on The Twelve Dancing Princesses and will clock in at over twice the length of the first two tales in the series. We’re hoping it will be out later this summer. We’re awfully excited and hope you love the cover as much as we do!

Hardbacks & Paperbacks Priced Lower Than EBooks

Wow, so this is new. Recently, I’ve been confronted with the option to pay between $2 and $5 less for actual physical books than their ebook versions. And it’s not just books, either. It’s true of CDs as well. And, wow, I’m surprised at how hard the choice is.

Not for CDs. That’s easy. I get the option of ripping the mp3s and having a hard copy with pretty pictures. I’ll take the CD, thanks.

But the book! Oh, man, I feel like such an anti-hipster asshole saying this. But, here we go. I really love reading on my e-readers at night for one ridiculously lazy reason. I don’t have to get out of bed to turn out the lights. I know right? Yeah. I know.

But it’s true.

Books vs E-Books infographic

 

So, here I am trying to decide–do I buy this lovely hardback book for $5 less than the e-book? Or do I get the e-book because I’m more likely to actually read it due to the fact that I do 99% of my reading in bed before going to sleep and…I don’t have to get out of bed and turn out the light? Or roll over to the other side of the bed, reach really far, and turn off the bedside lamp?

Holy crap! I’m lazy!

So, I guess I’ll get the hardcover. But, wow, I actually had to think about it.

What do you all think is behind this new movement of pricing the physical objects (CDs, books) lower than the e-book? Do you choose the physical or e-book version when presented with this choice?

Stalking Dreams – by Leta Blake, a FREE Love Has No Boundaries Story

Cover by Dar Albert!

I’m excited to announce that my FREE story for the Love Has No Boundaries event is now available! You can read it HERE!

I was so inspired by the prompt at Goodreads for a story about a young man who had dealt with being stalked by a stranger and the resultant issues that might bring up for him that I’ve already written 45k words of a corresponding full length novel and have a plan for a full length sequel, too. I hope to have the first novel done and out by the end of the year, if luck is on my side. And the plan is to have the sequel available in 2014.

I’m very happy with this short story. I feel like it accomplishes a lot and leaves the reader wanting to know more about the situation and these characters. At least, I hope that’s true because see above about the upcoming novels based in this universe!

Thank you to everyone who reads it. I hope you enjoy it! Feel free to spread the word! It will also be available for free download to ereaders very soon and I will post about that when it happens. In the meantime….

STALKING DREAMS BY LETA BLAKE